Documentary: 40 year old virgins

Hey you! Join me in taking the mick out of people on Channel 4. This 'documentary' looks a bit duff, I really should have written one about the brilliant, but cruelly named, The Undateables. I should also have written one about the appalling Oscar Pis-whatshisface BBC3 'documentary', mindbogglingly presented by Rick Edwards. But I watched it at four in the morning, drunk, so probably best I didn't. Good reconstructions, but the rest of it was a bag of shit.
So instead, let's take a look at this old crap. Ooh, before I start, a note on the show Gogglebox, which was also on tonight, and who DID cover 'what's that guy from Tool Academy doing there?' If you like TV, you should watch this show. It's obviously a little bit scripted, but it's just people watching TV and commenting on it. The best people are the posh drunks and the black best friends, who last week opined about the horrors of malnutrition which sharing a packet of crisps. I find something very comforting about watching other people watch TV, whether it be Beavis and Butthead, or some Big Brother housemates doing a task. I don't know why, I think it's just the fact that it could go on forever, people watching people watching TV, watching people watching TV, like some mirrored vortex. Like David Icke's worst nightmare (except for when he's on it). Anyway, genuine characters on Gogglebox, the likes of which our Big Brother could do with getting hold of in the summer. But of course, they'll just get some Essex page 3 girl instead. Shame.
Let's meet the virgins. Boyd Hilton (sorry, Clive) is going to 'go on a radical course to teach people how to have sex'. Guess what country that course takes place in? You win. Boyd is 45. He works in IT. He looks normal, if you fancy Boyd Hilton. Someone must. He lived with his mum until he was 29. That doesn't help. He has that Doctor Who K9 thing in his house. Enough said. Ah, he's in the friend zone.
I don't know why these people don't just go online. ANYONE can get laid online, I truly believe that. Going on TV and admitting you're a virgin is probably not going to help your pulling power.
'29-year-old' Rosie looks middle-aged to me. She wants to have children. That's not going to get the men queuing up, a virgin who wants to get knocked up. She says, 'men smell weird to me, like aftershave and ham.' Well, it's better than Lynx and piss, I suppose.
Both of them are going to see 'sex surrogates' (that's prostitutes to you and me) for a 12-week course. Surrogate Cheryl says she's had sex with '850 people, not including my husbands.' She didn't list the number of husbands. Oh, she says she's not a prostitute (she is). She don't look bad for 68, though, Christ, I thought she was mid-fifties. Would you want to fly to America and sleep with a 68-year-old? Boyd Hilton does! That's Morrissey fans for you. (Aw, get well, Morrissey.)
Boyd has also got some religious guilt crap going on so that's not helping.
Rosie was sexually abused when she was younger so her problems seem a lot more understandable. Rosie goes to meet a creepy old man who's going to take her virginity. Er... is there a theme here? But apparently he doesn't smell of ham. Hurrah. Looking at him playing tennis, I thought it would be a bit like having sex with one of Larry David's friends. Not exactly something you fantasise about. LOL, she told him she doesn't fancy him. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Boyd is saying the word 'penis' into a mirror until it loses all meaning. Yeah, this is really going to get him all the 'chicks' when he gets home. I'm kind of expecting him to find 'clitoris' written on the mirror in period blood later. That's more of a hope than a likelihood, though.
Watching Boyd kiss this 68-year-old-not-prostitute made my stomach turn, but luckily he started crying about three seconds in, so I didn't have to suffer too much. I am being a bit mean, and I do feel sorry for him. I just don't think this is the solution. Probably going with a real prostitute NOT on TV would be more beneficial.
Rosie is getting her face stroked by an old man she doesn't fancy. Is this really helping her get over sexual abuse? REALLY?
This programme confirms to me that men will sleep with ANYONE. I wonder how much this 'treatment' costs? I mean, I know C4 are paying for it. But for a layman. And isn't there a risk that Boyd will fall in love with this lady?
Rosie on willies: 'it looks like an uncooked sausage.' She's obsessed with meats! She's been sent to buy a vibrator and 'find out where her vagina is.' Well, I suspect it's between her legs. It must be scary for a virgin to go into a sex shop and see all that stuff. I get scared of that stuff!
Boyd had a flashback of someone pulling his pants down in front of a group of girls and pointing at his penis and laughing. God, is that all it takes to ruin someone's life? Mental, isn't it? It's true though, little things like that can fuck you up forever. One comment can make you anorexic.
It's probably not helping this guy get a hard-on that it's broad daylight and there's a fucking CAMERA in the room! How about some candlelight and the option to hide under the covers?
Boyd is being shown through a book of ugly vaginas. I've never felt so straight. Don't get me wrong, penises can be pretty gross too, but vaginas are just frightening. Boyd 'feels queasy.' So do I.
Rosie's has enough of Gary as she doesn't fancy him. Fair enough; who wants to fuck someone they don't fancy?
It's Boyd's last 'session'. Will he 'go all the way'? Eek this woman is giving him a blowjob! Fuck me, they're showing the sex! This is shocking. Channel 4! You monsters.
Aw, I hope Boyd finds a girlfriend back home. Maybe Lucie Cave is interested. Hang on a minute, isn't Boyd Hilton gay?! Oh, Boyd. You've lied to us. Get back to your column about Spooks or some other crap your target audience isn't interested in. Goodnight.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: The final - 'he's not very evolved'

Lol at the crowd going 'whoop whoop': enough said. That was passe back when CD:UK was on.
Six is rather a lot for a final, no? They're going to have to rattle through housemates like Julie rattles through fags. The interviews are going to be about 30 seconds long. Mind you, in Ashley's case that would be a blessing, bruv.
Jasmine! How we've missed your scrawny evilness. I hope Rhian's got a knife in her cleavage. Danica looks good. Julie's smoking a fag, lol. It's like Jasmine all over again, but aged about... er, 10 years.
I hate these final dinners they do, with all the speeches and BS.
How can Martin show he's a 'dad' in the house when his kids aren't in there? Ashley 'will be shocked if he wins'. He and I both.
Do you reckon Harvey actually thinks he can win it? I do. I'd love to see him hoofed out first. Him or his idiot lapdog.
Ashley attempts to read one sentence of a card. Fails. 
Martin is FULLY expecting to win it. FULLY. I want to see his puckered little mouth when Julian wins.
'Power does go to your head and we enjoyed every minute of it.' says Martin about being evil.
I like the fact Julian thinks hanging out with hetrosexual men is weird.
That was actually quite nice what Harvey said about Ashley: 'I fell in love with the kid.' That was the first time warmed to him in about two weeks.
I like seeing The Situation all humble and normal. There's something grounding about it. Didn't Jersey Shore get axed?
Here we go! Yeah, Harvey SO deserves that big cheer. Has his butthole surfing been forgotten so soon?
Harvey out first! So much for the big cheer, then. Crowd 100% wrong as usual. They should have given him 21 seconds to go. I know: I'm hilarious. WTF is this song? Tis a din.
Ok so we're timing the interviews to see if anyone gets particularly jibbed - probably the winner.
Brian Dowling looks like Eaamon Holmes off to a charity gala. Yeah people have seen what you're like, Harvey, a bellend.
Brian: 'you're used to ladies screaming.' Yes, at knifepoint. We did get to see enough of you: including your bum bum.
Harvey: 'Prince is in MY country. Respect my country.' I didn't know Harvey was the fucking Queen, now? Is he working at passport control? Respect Harvey; respect England. Why are they STILL trying to get housemates to slag off Danica even now?
So Brian tried to get Harvey to look at his own morality but Harvey either misunderstood the question or was too stupid to understand. Nicely dodged.
Ashley aint going to win a gold in Rio in 4 years; not if he keeps smoking like that. Harvey made mistakes so we don't have to, like Louise Mensch. Kind of him. He actually came over OK in that interview, but he's really judgmental. I'm over him.
OK, so Harvey got an 8 minute interview. Not bad, really.
Ashley looks like Peter Andre tonight. Except for when he turned into a swimming pool briefly. And then into Coleen. Technical troubles. Ashley out next. Perfect. See, we've never had an opportunity to evict them before; now we have, they're goners. Not much to be proud of, really. He looks a bit gutted. Good. Never mind, he's used to losing.
Let's see Brian call Ashley out on the pathetic and immature way he treated Rhian. Go on, Brian. Don't let us down, now.
Must be nice to be a man and just get love 'from the crowd' no matter how revolting your behaviour.
I think Brian's said 'lovely' about 500 times. He's NOT lovely. He's a sexist little knob. Also, you weren't friends with Sitch since day 1. He was too busy trying to get in Danica's knick-knocks.
Here's EVIDENCE of his bullying and bad behaviour in these clips! 'That stops there'. YOU don't decide that.
I am sighing through this whole bromance thing. At least we get all this tripe out of the way at the beginning. Why don't you snog if you like each other than much, you little muppets.
If that's what Samantha Brick thinks is 'inspirational' it's no wonder she's thinks a husband who looks like something off The Walking Dead.
Ashley got 8 minutes, too. Next!
I think it will be Sitch out next. And he WAS. And he looked shocked. HA. So much for his 4 million Twitter followers. It's not sunny out! Take your glasses off, douchemobile! I think he's smuggling seeds in those cheeks, he looks like a hamster.
Sitch gave his glasses and jacket to the crowd, that's nice. *EBAY*. I like Sitch, though, despite myself. There's just something a bit loveable about him. Another interview all about Danica.
'She was the first one I saw' - nice. He just went proper Jersey then. I've never heard him speak like that in the house. 'Do you think Danica soured your relationship with the Prince?' Do you think Danica is responsible for civil unrest? Do you think Danica was a key player in the London riots? Do you think Danica has lizard blood? Give it a rest!
Can't believe Julie didn't laugh at 'gangsta momma'. They should have all the ex housemates with mics on as they watch the interviews. Sitch on the naughty step: his sole best bit. Occasional table!
Sitch got 8 mins, too. They do give them fair interviews. Who knew? Well that's HAM canned.
Why is Coleen getting booed?! Pathetic. She's got to be out next. OMG it's Martin. LOL. That Loose Woman loyalty is STRONG, man. Can you imagine if they actually put a decent loose woman in there like Carol McGiffin?
Martin - third. Haha. The smug has been smooshed. Fucking hell, they call Danica out for rinsing; they're rinsing us for cash at every fucking turn. Hypocrites.
Martin is looking quite 'gold'. My boyfriend just said 'no escaping gravity' which is quite cruel. I think he looks very good for his age, what is he, 60? NO, just kidding, he looks good.
'Most charming housemate'? There's a fine line line between charming and smarmy.
Did you think you'd make it to the final? 'Not at all!' You liar, you said different two days ago.
Why is Brian not telling him who nominated him, he told other people. He's also letting him off the hook for his soft nominations.
Don't talk 'gameplans' in interviews, Martin, it's not British. I did like his acting of 'Gold' in the task. I think it was the e-cigarette that did for him. He over-egged it.
Martin got 8 mins too! We're debunking ALL the conspiracy theories.
OMG I'll be soooo disappointed if Coleen wins. Surely EVERYONE wants Julian to win. The final two shows how at odds the crowd and the 'demographic' they're aiming for is with the people who actually vote: ie. people my age. Will they ever get it? Ever?
YES! I'm so glad Julian won and Coleen looked genuinely happy for him, and he looked over the moon. He's shaking! I didn't think it would mean so much to him, especially with him being quite glib at the start, but it seems to mean everything to him now. I hope his career gets a boost now.
Coleen looks nice. I think she's scrubbed up lovely. I'm glad she got runner up, as one in the eye to Julie and Martin both. I think it's fair to say she won the war against Julie by a mile. What do you think Shane Richie makes of it all? He's probably put on Madness to celebrate.
I love seeing Julian all wobbly in the background as Coleen is being interviewed.
THIS is the impact of that pie in Julie's face. That wasn't. Coleen was right about Julie from the start so fair play to her, because I was fooled. But Coleen wouldn't have got as far without her row with Julie.
I wish I had such a romantic story of meeting my boyfriend as 'we met in a bar and I thought he was a dick.'
Coleen's interview: 8 minutes. This is no fun, is it? Her best bit was the QVC shopping task with Julian.
Does the celebrity winner get any dosh? My boyfriend thinks they get the 100K! No way.
Aw, Julian looks cute. His make up looks good. A worthy winner!
Those fireworks are crazy! I think they put on extra just because he said he didn't want them. Julian's in shock.
Julian: 'what is my mother going to say?' I think he's forgotten his pre-planned speech.
Sexual innuendo count: only 1!
Julian is so cool. I'd like to be friends with him. That bit with Julie was cute and she looked thrilled. I'm glad he's unapologetic about their friendship.
Julian on Sitch: 'he's not very evolved'. LOL. Apologising for not being constantly filthy was funny, too. And plugging his tour, too! Nice.
So Julian got 8 mins too. Surely the winner should get longer.
Ha, when he went in and met Sitch and said 'what's your function?' To be an 'occasional table' apparently.
Looks like the 'emotional cold fish' won it, Samantha Brick, you warty old bat.
So justice was finally done, and now I can concentrate on what's important: BBUS. Listen to my podcast which will be up after BOTS (ie. we're doing it instead of BOTS)! I'm pissed, so might say something intelligent.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Harvey needs TP for his bunghole...

... but he'll just use Coleen's bed instead.
So I read that two nights ago Harvey showed Coleen his bunghole (and got a warning for it) and they didn't show it. I really hope they're saving that treasure for tonight, otherwise I really am going to have to doubt the absolute clowns running this show.
Ooh, they ARE showing it! So Harvey's wiping his arse on Coleen? It's like Jay McCray never left. I think we could have done with seeing a few more minutes of that. They must have cut a lot out of that. That's Coleen's third sexual assault in 24 hours.
If Steve Owen has decreed you've crossed the line, you've crossed the fucking line. 'No excuse'. 'Tut tut tut!' Pious, or what? Harvey is literally on the shit list! This is the most interesting thing Harvey's done in the house.
I like the way Sitch and Julian have slowly warmed to each other. I thought Martin was looking a bit haggard yesterday, it's cos he was hanging.
Coleen clearly doesn't want her honour defended. She's not stopped bitching, has she? Minus voting points for her. Harvey isn't seeming very apologetic. He will wipe his bum in your face! And you should count yourself lucky!
Harvey: 'I can handle my drink.' Evidence shows otherwise. Martin: tell-off times! 'There's a line between showing someone your arse and your arsehole.' There's a quote for the beginning of any respectable podcast. If I know how to do it, I'd have it at the start of mine!
Showing someone your arsehole is NOT banter. And it's definitely not mint banter.
Sitch: 'French tomatoes. 75 cents.' He's not quite got it yet, has he?
The 'real' vs 'social smokers' debate. Do you think lung cancer discriminates between the two?
Nicotine fiends. I make that nicofiends. Harvey is wiping a whopping two packets of cigarettes off the shopping list. This isn't 500 bananas. It isn't even Caroline's chocolate order. It IS going to cause World War 3, though, so at least Julie WILL get to see one.
Harvey doing an obnoxious dance in the kitchen. This guy is a first-class knob. He thinks other people kicking off will be good for his game. It won't. It just seals his fate as numero uno dickwad.
Yeah Harvey, you're so 'gangsta' getting your suit dry-cleaned an an apple crumble. West-side!
Sailor task. HMS Nancy boy. Is that sponsored by Brian Molko?
'...will win a haircut by a top celebrity stylist.' But not Lee Stafford. Is that a real lifeguard or a statue?
Top celebrity stylists Thomas and Anita Macmillan. Do they do cancer patients? My boyfriend pays a fiver for his haircut too - in Tooting.
Julian's finally showing his teeth! This is exactly what Harvey wants.
Don't worry, Julie's going tonight, so they'll be awash with fags. £7 for fags. When you put it like that, Harvey's almost making sense. It's just 'banter'! Don't lie though and say it's 'compromise' when it's shitstirring. Harvey should be a stand up comic his banter is so hilarious.
I'm over these evictions already. I already got it. Bye Prince, bye Julie. I bet they're all thrilled to see the back of her. Coleen looked grim-faced.
Oh Coleen, leave it. You won. You know Julian is her best friend, so give it a rest, mmkay?
Big Brother to Martin: 'Did you expect to go?' Took him a full ten seconds to say no. I wonder how much they paid him to go on this show? He must be on his uppers. They must have spent the big bucks on getting The Situation in there.
I really hope Coleen doesn't win this. I really hope it's Julian. I'd like to see Sitch second, then Martin, Coleen, Harvey, then Ashley.
It's weird when they do the season round up when they show's not ended yet. I am emotionless!
Martin's favourite task was spying on other people. It's so unfair that Harvey and Ashley have never been up. I hate to see them lording it in the final.
Don't give Harvey his cliche on top of a cake, please. Sitch being in the finals is a 'dream crumb true'. Martin, spinning for votes right until the end.
I think it's going to be close between him and Julian. Julian FTW! 

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Suit yourselves

I haven't voted tonight, but it seems a certainty that Martin will stay, right? Pedestrian gameplay + a huge fanbase = safe as houses, right?
I'm starting to feel sorry for Julie, but only because Harvey is such a knobend and he's gunning for her so bad. I can't decide who I hate most out of him and Ashley; Ashley's way of talking is so obviously objectionable, but Harvey really is malicious.
Julie is running her passive aggressive shit this morning. Harvey was responding to something you were saying in the gym, Julie. She makes me want to burn my leopard print leggings. At least I don't wear my leopard print leggings with Crocs. That is a no-go zone.
Chicken sandwich gate! Oh Sitch, you're in the shit. Didn't offer Queen Julia a sandwich? You're DONE FOR. Julie is SCARY. 'You always put yourself last.' Imagine if she was your mum. You wouldn't know which way was up.
Ugh I hate this bit where they do their pleas, it's so rubbish. Martin looks like he's been using fake tan shade: radioactive. It's not been that sunny!
Julie: 'I'm a 70 year old disabled pensioner.' You're a dragon. Martin wasted at least three seconds. Prince Lorenzo hasn't got a hope in hell, I think, but I'd like to see him stay.
I like this camp shopping channel task. The chicken fillet bit and the caterpillars was funny, but the edible undies bit took the cake. That was the lols. Julian was virtually sexually assaulting poor Coleen! I would be going mad.
Lorenzo did well at making that order. Good practice for Danica's wishlist when he gets out. My memory is crap, I'd be hopeless.
Brian cocking a snook at the shopping channel; wasn't he on The Mint (ie. Super Casino) for about 5 years?
Julie begging for votes! Subtle.
Julie reminds me so much of Alan Carr when she's dressed up as that newsreader. That's the most sarcastic newsreading ever.
Fucking hell man, nana is the master of mindgamery. That snog she gave Coleen was as good as a headbutt. That's twice Coleen has been assaulted in one day.
Julie had to chain-smoke to 'survive herself'. Ironic. It's like Nadia's year for cigarette wars in that house.
Julie doesn't bear grudges. Harvey doesn't bear grudges. What's that in my back, a knife?!
Shopping budget; they're only in there for 2 more days!
What is that letter with Brian's face on a stamp? Has it got Brian's P45 in it? Oh the rest of the letters from home. My boyfriend HATES the letters from home. Don't get sentimental, it always ends up drivel.
Can Ashley's parents read and write? His nan does his washing for him. There's a surprise. Do you think they'll play Gene's Olympian when he comes out of the house? I suspect not. I saw someone have an epileptic fit in a nightclub once and it was the first time I'd ever heard Olympian playing, and the whole time I was thinking, 'wow, what a cool song.'
'Ashley is snivelling in the toilet.'
Julie's definitely got to be out first. I wanted to put 'Bet Lynched' for my title but my boyfriend said it was hackneyed. Vetoed!
I do feel a bit sorry for her, but not as sorry as she feels for herself. It's just another witch hunt, isn't it? Prince Lorenzo out first! I thought it would be Julie.
Dallas schmallas. I'm gonna watch Beavis and Butthead.
It's cruel to keep the Prince in there for half an hour. You'd just want to go, wouldn't you? All people carping about having 'snouts'. Do they ALL smoke in there?
I don't think this interview is going to be very interesting, do you? He's come out looking beleaguered. I think he wants to go home and eat some of mummy and daddy's lobster.
See that Esso advert? I heard that 'blood is thicker than water but oil's thicker than both of them' line. Illuminati agenda!
Did he even get a cheer? I didn't hear it. Human calculator. He should have calculated those votes better.
Prince is right; Harvey should say the same thing about Mike! He should have got a round of applause then. Brian, organise your interview effectively.
Interesting what he said about Julian not opening up. It kind of sucks going on BB and not opening up, though.
I don't remember Harvey calling Lorenzo 'thick as shit'. I swear we've never seen that clip before. That clip was really mean with loads of people calling him a 'pussy' and stuff.
Prince: 'I don't care, I had fun flirting with her, and I don't feel like there was anything wrong with it.' Thank God. Why aren't more people clapping this? He's not thick as shit. He's a nice guy. Harvey is so horrid. But Harvey still won't get booed and it makes me sick.
Lorenzo is the second person who said they wanted Ashley to win. WHY? What are they seeing that we aren't?
Julie's chewing again! It's Eastenders vs Corrie. Eastenders triumphs. 'Love you'. Yeah, your love is worth less than nothing.
Shit, so she went through the DR (because of her medical condition, old age, I presume) but we should of at least seen her come out of the bottom door. So the crowd don't even get to see her boo her? That's a bit unfair. What about the people who did all the careful colouring in on those signs *Jamie East*?
Oh hold on, she is coming out of a trap door like the witch she is. Why isn't she getting booed? What a fucking fix.
Ew, Julie is chewing gum in her eviction interview. She's trying to control that interview - acting again. Shouldn't be too difficult with Captain Sexist in charge.
I like the way she dealt with that crowd: 'suit yourselves.' The crowd shouting 'who are you?' Who are you? A bunch of ugly fucking chavs, that what. And I don't use the word 'chav' anymore, but it's entirely appropriate here when dealing with that pond life. 
She's keeping her act up well in the interview. How long did she keep it up in the house? About 3 days.
I do like her pink leggings. I think she looks alright.
Julie: 'what you see is what you get.' Well, depending which day it is. She's running rings round him, isn't she?
I loved Julian looking after her, he's so sweet.
Why do they keep showing that moon-faced crowd? So Julie basically liked people running round after her. Is she on the sick?
And that concludes the matter. Get it? Got it... oh, you get the idea.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Don't worry - just don't sleep

Time for Cbeebies!
Julie: 'I just wanted to make it to the final.' You shouldn't have been a bit less duplicitous then.
'Because of a medical condition, Julie has her hair washed by an outside person.' WTF! What medical condition is that?! Divaitis? Again, the only reason they're telling us this is because Harvey is earwigging on Julie talking to her 'outside person' ie. mole.
Harvey can hear 'bare talking'. How can you be 'unprofessional' in the house? There's no professionalism required; you let it all hang out! You come as you are. What does he want her to do, start pulling pints? Saying someone is 'unprofessional' in the BB house is even more stupid than saying someone is 'inappropriate.' There's no such thing (well, except you know, threatening to rape someone, but apparently that's all hunky dory, too).
'Blatant.' Why does Harvey talk like a fucking 12 year old? Grow the fuck up. What did Julie say exactly? All you ever get is hearsay! Ashley: 'Someone should just tell her.' How about you, bruv?
Vote to save Julie just for one in the eye for this mutant Harvey.
Julie's hair looks nice now it's been done by a doctor. Did someone train for seven years to operate those GHDs? What medical condition is it? Alopecia? Dandruff?
Aw, to Julian sticking up for Julie, he's such a sweetpea. He knows exactly what she's like; he's just not bothered by it.
The living room they've set up looks like my living room; specifically the ornaments. I think we used to have that couch, too, back in the 80s. Ooh, this looks like a MASSIVE shit-stir task. Get your wooden spoon out.
Harvey aint got no social game! Is this first task like Pointless? Where's Richard when you need him?
Do you think they really asked 100 Big Brother fans? I don't there's 100 left.
I like Prince Lorenzo's eyebrows when he pops up in the corner. The Situation is just giving himself for every answer. Can't believe they didn't choose Julian for funniest housemate, Harvey actually chose Ashley over Julian; what a drongo.
Martin is going to look even smugger at being named most attractive. Sitch: 'He got me by a couple of percent' - lol.
Julie's gum chewing went into overdrive when she was named most manipulative. She's fucking scary, man. I would sleep with one eye open around her. Haha, she said even her husband does!
Martin: 'It's so wicked, this programme,' he says, smiling broadly. He's loving it.
The Situation: 'the bond we had was very thick.' Julie: 'no, you are very thick.' Julie, 80% of the public agreed! Julie has got some passive aggressive shit going on there.
Harvey is in the garden working on the sequel to 'Insania.' Martin is squeezing out a few 'dead parent' tears for the sympathy vote. He always was good in Eastenders, wasn't he? They're probably still alive (sorry).
I like the old people's home chic. I wish the BB house was really decorated like that.
This kid's TV show is rude; itchy growler?! Isn't that another name for a fanny? Puerile!
Julie can 'feel' the funny atmosphere. Because she's creating it! It's like Jasmine all over again.
This task is quite good today. At least it's kind of original.
LOL to 'throw me under the bus' being misquoted. Julie read that news out brilliantly considering she must be fuming. 'Lived through the world wars'! LOLOLOLOLOLOL. She did an Alan Carr smile then; brilliant.
Harvey's tut-tut-tut-twitching! Julie's going to throw him under the bus, and it won't be a metaphorical one, it'll be the number 29.
I feel sorry for Julian stuck between Julie and Coleen's bitching. I do feel he's holding back though; and he said as much when he said 'I don't want to make the news.'
Having to watch people searching under cushions for lighters on the TV is like looking at a mirror inside a mirror inside a mirror. It's a labyrinthine vortex. If I want to look at people searching for cigarette lighters, I'll merely turn to my left.
Can't they light the fags off the oven? Or if that's a health and safety issue, light a bit of paper and take that outside? Where there's a will there's a way.
Julie is being petty now. Julian is being so cool about things; not being drawn into the slagging session whatsoever. You can tell he thinks Harvey is pathetic. I feel a bit sorry for Prince. He seems a bit isolated, bless him.
Julie got her letter from home. 'Dear Julie, I can sleep with both eyes open tonight. Luv, Jeremy Kyle guest.'
It's annoying watching Harvey and Ashley floating their way to the end. I don't mind Sitch, but fuck those two.
Julie: 'I think Martin should stay.' Sure you do. Julian: 'Well, you are a disgrace.' Julie: 'yes, but that's not the point.' Aw. He has covered for her so well. I know part of it is gameplay; but I do believe 80% of it is that he's got a good heart. Julian FTW. I'd like to see Martin out tomorrow! Make it happen.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: It would give hope to pensioners

The Situation likes nominating but can't. Tell us who you would have nominated, then. At least it would be entertaining. Is he telling himself he doesn't like dairy? Not even Dairy Milk? Come on, now. Your country bought us that Hersheys crap that tastes like vomit.
Coleen and Julie's conversation translated: 'I hate you.' I hate you, too.'
Do gold records actually play? I doubt it. #popstarproblems (Note to self, don't do hash tags in own blog.) Extra note to self: don't say 'note to self' in blog.
People are trying to 'sweep Harvey up.' Try harder, please. Marcus: 'The Situation is rinsing out his hair dye.' Funnies. I liked Sitch's reaction to having to sit on the naughty step, it was funnier somehow because he was in the shower and you could just hear him and not see him.
He looks well mardy on the naughty step! Tee hee. I kind of like The Situation sometimes. He's unintentionally funny.
Julian's bringing politics into the nomination room. Ooh, he didn't nominate Sitch! See; Sitch was wise to take his previous nomination so well. I think Julian's warming to the Occasional Table. I wonder if he's going to get an upgrade on his moniker? A nest of tables? A sideboard?
Wow, Coleen and Julian BOTH nominated Martin! Cool.
You're not halfway out the door, Sitch, you're sitting on a fucking step, mate, get a grip. I think people aren't nominating him because they feel sorry for him. I'd like to see him win it in a weird way, some alternate universe.
Ooh just as I said that Julie nominated him. Wow, she didn't nominate Coleen! A bit late now to undig that hole, Bet. What's done cannot be undone. See her come and kiss Sitch full on the lips! How come people aren't calling her a hussy, hmm?
Sitch better hope 'but WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?' woman isn't in the Diary Room today, or he's sitting on that step all day long. I love him sulking, it's heartwarming.
Prince's nominations were spot on. 'Harvey treats women like property' - hallelujah.
Martin nominated Julie for 'dragging people into toilets', lol. So he nominated Julian for lighting up an electronic cigarette as it made the room too hot?! WTF. They should hand that shit out to the homeless and eskimos. 
Martin is really getting on my wick now. SMUG! He KNOWS Julian is a shoo-in to win, and he'll stop at nothing to make sure that doesn't happen. He nominated two power-players. He knows what he's doing.
Why does no one ever nominate this little Ashley prick? He's the worst thing on the planet. He's worse than scurvy. He's worse than the plague.
Even Ashley nominated Martin. Another one with his eye on the prize.
So if Harvey is nominating Lorenzo for flirting with Danica, I presume his next nomination will be for The Situation, right? Oh, no, that didn't happen. Well, knock me down with a feather. If he's so concerned about Danica's boyfriend, then surely he'd be looking out for Danica's boyfriend at home both ways. No. Just in the way that suits him. Hypocritical fuck-knuckle.
Harvey has 'morals'? Could have fooled me. He's a spoilt, sexist little cunt. Fuck you, Harvey. Fuck you sideways.
A super lol for Julie's 'it would give hope to pensioners' if I make it to the final speech. That's the most hilarious thing I've ever heard. She really is clutching at any straw going. She's clutching so many straws she could get a job at McDonalds filling up the dispensers.
Coleen and Prince are right about 'HAM' and their mentality. Teehee, Prince Lorenzo said 'throw me under the bus'. American reality TV cliches RULE.
WTF is this task? Did Mario and Luigi take a wrong turning? Plungers galore!
Martin's 'I didn't get a takeaway' face was fab. Cat's bum lips!
The Situation 'cooked for like two hours, yo.' Who's he, Jesse Pinkman? Aw, Sitch is browbeaten. I feel sorry for him.
Gruel. Is that the English version of slop? Julie's not enjoying it much. Must we watch her retching? Christ.
Sitch on what was said in the DR: 'join your fellow losers and eat your fucking gruel.; That's my sort of paraphrasing. 
My boyfriend is CONVINCED Martin is going to go home this week. He hasn't got a clue. Martin has got a HUGE fan base.
Julian calling Sitch out for attention-seeking and then going 'I don't mean you, people like you.' There's been loads of funny lines tonight. 
Martin's ruffled to be on the block, I can tell by his 'ape' body language.
Did Julie say 'I got ganged up on'? That's funny. She's been stirring that pot for two weeks now. Come on Julie, do it for the pensioners.
Ashley: 'it would be nice for one of us to win.' That aint going to happen, kid. Nice dream, though.
Julie: 'is that what you'd do to your nana?' I would cos my 'nana' was a sour old bitch, just like you. 'It shouldn't be allowed... that's bullying.' Oh, PLEASE. Please! Please! The nana card; I've heard it all now. Is this a newly discriminated against group? Bullying?!
Why is Julie chewing in the DR again? Stop fucking chewing, it's gross! Can you think of any reason they may have nominated you? 'No.' No? Not one reason?! If I was in that house I could think of about 25 billion reasons people would nominate me. What a bighead. 'God forgive them.' Oh, STFU, granny gristle. Get to stepping.
Martin's under the cosh because he's up. Is it a double eviction? It's got to be Julie and Lorenzo to go. I wouldn't be surprised if Lorenzo went before her.
Martin: 'people have seen the dark side of Julie.' Yes, and you helped them see it!
Julie calling Coleen a 'fat arse'. Nice. She's no Jasmine herself, is she?
Fucking hell, man, anyone would think Julie was the first person on the planet to ever be nominated. You can tell Julian wants her out now. Placating her is a full time job.
You gotta hand it to Coleen; she had Julie's card marked from day one. I didn't believe her. But she was right.
I hate the way Julie talks, repeating herself and just going on and on about me, me, me. She doesn't care about pensioners. She's no one's grandma. She's just a bitter, selfish old cow. And still I feel a little bit sorry for her. But not much.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Aceeeeeeeeeeeeed

I don't know about you but I'd rather watch Danica's 'flirtmance' than Julie vs Coleen. I'm not normally a fan of 'showmances' but at least hers was audacious and fun to watch. Now we've got to watch two old biddies moaning about who's top dog.
Coleen is giving short shrift to Julie's 'we need to get the fellas out' chat.
Look at Ashley snitching on Julie to Prince Lorenzo! Fucking grass. I wouldn't want to be in an alliance with that little shit; more SPAM than HAM, that one.
Martin loves the Prince being so ruffled. 'You can guess who I'm going after' - dur, that's nomination talk. Martin is such a smarmbox. I'm so onto him.
It's kind of sad to see Julie so isolated in a way. Everything that comes out of her mouth is just so transparent now. How the mighty have fallen.
It's kind of sad to see only two women left, too. Martin knows the rulebook and runs the kitchen *Vinnie Jones*.
Julie's plotting a very devious game... she needs to be outed like Nasty Nick. I like it when Big Brother calls them out and gives them a tell off. Leopard print taken away is one thing, but they didn't ban them from nominating, do they?
Sitch and Prince seem to be getting on very well now their Princess has gone. I guess they're both foreigners in a weird environment. Danica's foot-soldiers.
Prince shouldn't have to apologise to Julie! She was 'in shock, she doesn't remember saying it'. It's not the best excuse in the world, is it?' I was 'in shock, I don't remember punching you in the face, sorry'.
Ashley is so thick I think he should be accompanied by an adult at all times, especially when crossing roads. The only thing I've understood him saying all series is 'yeah'. This letter task is quite good, you get to keep one letter from home and put another one in a vat of 'acid' - ie. green slime.
LOL Julie's letter got the Jesse and Walt treatment. What do you get when you mix Big Brother with Breaking Bad? Top quality entertainment.
I'm glad Ashley didn't get his letter, he can't read anyway, the little twonk. I want to hear him read out someone else's, it will be like when Beavis and Butthead try and read the paper together.
Who's The Situation gonna get his letter from, Snooki?
Oh well, done, Ashley, what a bloody hero. Boo woo.
Julie doesn't bear a grudge. Hmm.
Martin knows how this show works back to front. He's a proper superfan.
My boyfriend hates it when they get the letters from home, he's such a grinch. I'll blub, bet you. I'm such a wuss.
Julie can't even stop chewing gum to read Julian's bloody letter. Julian was annoyed she didn't mention the cat. She did mention the bowls club, though. Coleen's letter was nice, funny and lighthearted. 
This acid house party looks alright. Where's the E?
I think The Situation and Harvey's potential TV show is going to go the same way as Coolio and Terry Christian's cookery show and Stephen Baldwin's plans to make Alex Reid the next James Bond. None of them made it past Barbell media.
Martin Kemp is dressed like a geography teacher tonight.
When I am king, anyone who says 'it is what it is' will be shot in the face without prior warning. In fact, consider this the prior warning. Goodnight!