Celebrity Big Brother 2012: The final - 'he's not very evolved'

Lol at the crowd going 'whoop whoop': enough said. That was passe back when CD:UK was on.
Six is rather a lot for a final, no? They're going to have to rattle through housemates like Julie rattles through fags. The interviews are going to be about 30 seconds long. Mind you, in Ashley's case that would be a blessing, bruv.
Jasmine! How we've missed your scrawny evilness. I hope Rhian's got a knife in her cleavage. Danica looks good. Julie's smoking a fag, lol. It's like Jasmine all over again, but aged about... er, 10 years.
I hate these final dinners they do, with all the speeches and BS.
How can Martin show he's a 'dad' in the house when his kids aren't in there? Ashley 'will be shocked if he wins'. He and I both.
Do you reckon Harvey actually thinks he can win it? I do. I'd love to see him hoofed out first. Him or his idiot lapdog.
Ashley attempts to read one sentence of a card. Fails. 
Martin is FULLY expecting to win it. FULLY. I want to see his puckered little mouth when Julian wins.
'Power does go to your head and we enjoyed every minute of it.' says Martin about being evil.
I like the fact Julian thinks hanging out with hetrosexual men is weird.
That was actually quite nice what Harvey said about Ashley: 'I fell in love with the kid.' That was the first time warmed to him in about two weeks.
I like seeing The Situation all humble and normal. There's something grounding about it. Didn't Jersey Shore get axed?
Here we go! Yeah, Harvey SO deserves that big cheer. Has his butthole surfing been forgotten so soon?
Harvey out first! So much for the big cheer, then. Crowd 100% wrong as usual. They should have given him 21 seconds to go. I know: I'm hilarious. WTF is this song? Tis a din.
Ok so we're timing the interviews to see if anyone gets particularly jibbed - probably the winner.
Brian Dowling looks like Eaamon Holmes off to a charity gala. Yeah people have seen what you're like, Harvey, a bellend.
Brian: 'you're used to ladies screaming.' Yes, at knifepoint. We did get to see enough of you: including your bum bum.
Harvey: 'Prince is in MY country. Respect my country.' I didn't know Harvey was the fucking Queen, now? Is he working at passport control? Respect Harvey; respect England. Why are they STILL trying to get housemates to slag off Danica even now?
So Brian tried to get Harvey to look at his own morality but Harvey either misunderstood the question or was too stupid to understand. Nicely dodged.
Ashley aint going to win a gold in Rio in 4 years; not if he keeps smoking like that. Harvey made mistakes so we don't have to, like Louise Mensch. Kind of him. He actually came over OK in that interview, but he's really judgmental. I'm over him.
OK, so Harvey got an 8 minute interview. Not bad, really.
Ashley looks like Peter Andre tonight. Except for when he turned into a swimming pool briefly. And then into Coleen. Technical troubles. Ashley out next. Perfect. See, we've never had an opportunity to evict them before; now we have, they're goners. Not much to be proud of, really. He looks a bit gutted. Good. Never mind, he's used to losing.
Let's see Brian call Ashley out on the pathetic and immature way he treated Rhian. Go on, Brian. Don't let us down, now.
Must be nice to be a man and just get love 'from the crowd' no matter how revolting your behaviour.
I think Brian's said 'lovely' about 500 times. He's NOT lovely. He's a sexist little knob. Also, you weren't friends with Sitch since day 1. He was too busy trying to get in Danica's knick-knocks.
Here's EVIDENCE of his bullying and bad behaviour in these clips! 'That stops there'. YOU don't decide that.
I am sighing through this whole bromance thing. At least we get all this tripe out of the way at the beginning. Why don't you snog if you like each other than much, you little muppets.
If that's what Samantha Brick thinks is 'inspirational' it's no wonder she's thinks a husband who looks like something off The Walking Dead.
Ashley got 8 minutes, too. Next!
I think it will be Sitch out next. And he WAS. And he looked shocked. HA. So much for his 4 million Twitter followers. It's not sunny out! Take your glasses off, douchemobile! I think he's smuggling seeds in those cheeks, he looks like a hamster.
Sitch gave his glasses and jacket to the crowd, that's nice. *EBAY*. I like Sitch, though, despite myself. There's just something a bit loveable about him. Another interview all about Danica.
'She was the first one I saw' - nice. He just went proper Jersey then. I've never heard him speak like that in the house. 'Do you think Danica soured your relationship with the Prince?' Do you think Danica is responsible for civil unrest? Do you think Danica was a key player in the London riots? Do you think Danica has lizard blood? Give it a rest!
Can't believe Julie didn't laugh at 'gangsta momma'. They should have all the ex housemates with mics on as they watch the interviews. Sitch on the naughty step: his sole best bit. Occasional table!
Sitch got 8 mins, too. They do give them fair interviews. Who knew? Well that's HAM canned.
Why is Coleen getting booed?! Pathetic. She's got to be out next. OMG it's Martin. LOL. That Loose Woman loyalty is STRONG, man. Can you imagine if they actually put a decent loose woman in there like Carol McGiffin?
Martin - third. Haha. The smug has been smooshed. Fucking hell, they call Danica out for rinsing; they're rinsing us for cash at every fucking turn. Hypocrites.
Martin is looking quite 'gold'. My boyfriend just said 'no escaping gravity' which is quite cruel. I think he looks very good for his age, what is he, 60? NO, just kidding, he looks good.
'Most charming housemate'? There's a fine line line between charming and smarmy.
Did you think you'd make it to the final? 'Not at all!' You liar, you said different two days ago.
Why is Brian not telling him who nominated him, he told other people. He's also letting him off the hook for his soft nominations.
Don't talk 'gameplans' in interviews, Martin, it's not British. I did like his acting of 'Gold' in the task. I think it was the e-cigarette that did for him. He over-egged it.
Martin got 8 mins too! We're debunking ALL the conspiracy theories.
OMG I'll be soooo disappointed if Coleen wins. Surely EVERYONE wants Julian to win. The final two shows how at odds the crowd and the 'demographic' they're aiming for is with the people who actually vote: ie. people my age. Will they ever get it? Ever?
YES! I'm so glad Julian won and Coleen looked genuinely happy for him, and he looked over the moon. He's shaking! I didn't think it would mean so much to him, especially with him being quite glib at the start, but it seems to mean everything to him now. I hope his career gets a boost now.
Coleen looks nice. I think she's scrubbed up lovely. I'm glad she got runner up, as one in the eye to Julie and Martin both. I think it's fair to say she won the war against Julie by a mile. What do you think Shane Richie makes of it all? He's probably put on Madness to celebrate.
I love seeing Julian all wobbly in the background as Coleen is being interviewed.
THIS is the impact of that pie in Julie's face. That wasn't. Coleen was right about Julie from the start so fair play to her, because I was fooled. But Coleen wouldn't have got as far without her row with Julie.
I wish I had such a romantic story of meeting my boyfriend as 'we met in a bar and I thought he was a dick.'
Coleen's interview: 8 minutes. This is no fun, is it? Her best bit was the QVC shopping task with Julian.
Does the celebrity winner get any dosh? My boyfriend thinks they get the 100K! No way.
Aw, Julian looks cute. His make up looks good. A worthy winner!
Those fireworks are crazy! I think they put on extra just because he said he didn't want them. Julian's in shock.
Julian: 'what is my mother going to say?' I think he's forgotten his pre-planned speech.
Sexual innuendo count: only 1!
Julian is so cool. I'd like to be friends with him. That bit with Julie was cute and she looked thrilled. I'm glad he's unapologetic about their friendship.
Julian on Sitch: 'he's not very evolved'. LOL. Apologising for not being constantly filthy was funny, too. And plugging his tour, too! Nice.
So Julian got 8 mins too. Surely the winner should get longer.
Ha, when he went in and met Sitch and said 'what's your function?' To be an 'occasional table' apparently.
Looks like the 'emotional cold fish' won it, Samantha Brick, you warty old bat.
So justice was finally done, and now I can concentrate on what's important: BBUS. Listen to my podcast which will be up after BOTS (ie. we're doing it instead of BOTS)! I'm pissed, so might say something intelligent.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Harvey needs TP for his bunghole...

... but he'll just use Coleen's bed instead.
So I read that two nights ago Harvey showed Coleen his bunghole (and got a warning for it) and they didn't show it. I really hope they're saving that treasure for tonight, otherwise I really am going to have to doubt the absolute clowns running this show.
Ooh, they ARE showing it! So Harvey's wiping his arse on Coleen? It's like Jay McCray never left. I think we could have done with seeing a few more minutes of that. They must have cut a lot out of that. That's Coleen's third sexual assault in 24 hours.
If Steve Owen has decreed you've crossed the line, you've crossed the fucking line. 'No excuse'. 'Tut tut tut!' Pious, or what? Harvey is literally on the shit list! This is the most interesting thing Harvey's done in the house.
I like the way Sitch and Julian have slowly warmed to each other. I thought Martin was looking a bit haggard yesterday, it's cos he was hanging.
Coleen clearly doesn't want her honour defended. She's not stopped bitching, has she? Minus voting points for her. Harvey isn't seeming very apologetic. He will wipe his bum in your face! And you should count yourself lucky!
Harvey: 'I can handle my drink.' Evidence shows otherwise. Martin: tell-off times! 'There's a line between showing someone your arse and your arsehole.' There's a quote for the beginning of any respectable podcast. If I know how to do it, I'd have it at the start of mine!
Showing someone your arsehole is NOT banter. And it's definitely not mint banter.
Sitch: 'French tomatoes. 75 cents.' He's not quite got it yet, has he?
The 'real' vs 'social smokers' debate. Do you think lung cancer discriminates between the two?
Nicotine fiends. I make that nicofiends. Harvey is wiping a whopping two packets of cigarettes off the shopping list. This isn't 500 bananas. It isn't even Caroline's chocolate order. It IS going to cause World War 3, though, so at least Julie WILL get to see one.
Harvey doing an obnoxious dance in the kitchen. This guy is a first-class knob. He thinks other people kicking off will be good for his game. It won't. It just seals his fate as numero uno dickwad.
Yeah Harvey, you're so 'gangsta' getting your suit dry-cleaned an an apple crumble. West-side!
Sailor task. HMS Nancy boy. Is that sponsored by Brian Molko?
'...will win a haircut by a top celebrity stylist.' But not Lee Stafford. Is that a real lifeguard or a statue?
Top celebrity stylists Thomas and Anita Macmillan. Do they do cancer patients? My boyfriend pays a fiver for his haircut too - in Tooting.
Julian's finally showing his teeth! This is exactly what Harvey wants.
Don't worry, Julie's going tonight, so they'll be awash with fags. £7 for fags. When you put it like that, Harvey's almost making sense. It's just 'banter'! Don't lie though and say it's 'compromise' when it's shitstirring. Harvey should be a stand up comic his banter is so hilarious.
I'm over these evictions already. I already got it. Bye Prince, bye Julie. I bet they're all thrilled to see the back of her. Coleen looked grim-faced.
Oh Coleen, leave it. You won. You know Julian is her best friend, so give it a rest, mmkay?
Big Brother to Martin: 'Did you expect to go?' Took him a full ten seconds to say no. I wonder how much they paid him to go on this show? He must be on his uppers. They must have spent the big bucks on getting The Situation in there.
I really hope Coleen doesn't win this. I really hope it's Julian. I'd like to see Sitch second, then Martin, Coleen, Harvey, then Ashley.
It's weird when they do the season round up when they show's not ended yet. I am emotionless!
Martin's favourite task was spying on other people. It's so unfair that Harvey and Ashley have never been up. I hate to see them lording it in the final.
Don't give Harvey his cliche on top of a cake, please. Sitch being in the finals is a 'dream crumb true'. Martin, spinning for votes right until the end.
I think it's going to be close between him and Julian. Julian FTW! 

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Suit yourselves

I haven't voted tonight, but it seems a certainty that Martin will stay, right? Pedestrian gameplay + a huge fanbase = safe as houses, right?
I'm starting to feel sorry for Julie, but only because Harvey is such a knobend and he's gunning for her so bad. I can't decide who I hate most out of him and Ashley; Ashley's way of talking is so obviously objectionable, but Harvey really is malicious.
Julie is running her passive aggressive shit this morning. Harvey was responding to something you were saying in the gym, Julie. She makes me want to burn my leopard print leggings. At least I don't wear my leopard print leggings with Crocs. That is a no-go zone.
Chicken sandwich gate! Oh Sitch, you're in the shit. Didn't offer Queen Julia a sandwich? You're DONE FOR. Julie is SCARY. 'You always put yourself last.' Imagine if she was your mum. You wouldn't know which way was up.
Ugh I hate this bit where they do their pleas, it's so rubbish. Martin looks like he's been using fake tan shade: radioactive. It's not been that sunny!
Julie: 'I'm a 70 year old disabled pensioner.' You're a dragon. Martin wasted at least three seconds. Prince Lorenzo hasn't got a hope in hell, I think, but I'd like to see him stay.
I like this camp shopping channel task. The chicken fillet bit and the caterpillars was funny, but the edible undies bit took the cake. That was the lols. Julian was virtually sexually assaulting poor Coleen! I would be going mad.
Lorenzo did well at making that order. Good practice for Danica's wishlist when he gets out. My memory is crap, I'd be hopeless.
Brian cocking a snook at the shopping channel; wasn't he on The Mint (ie. Super Casino) for about 5 years?
Julie begging for votes! Subtle.
Julie reminds me so much of Alan Carr when she's dressed up as that newsreader. That's the most sarcastic newsreading ever.
Fucking hell man, nana is the master of mindgamery. That snog she gave Coleen was as good as a headbutt. That's twice Coleen has been assaulted in one day.
Julie had to chain-smoke to 'survive herself'. Ironic. It's like Nadia's year for cigarette wars in that house.
Julie doesn't bear grudges. Harvey doesn't bear grudges. What's that in my back, a knife?!
Shopping budget; they're only in there for 2 more days!
What is that letter with Brian's face on a stamp? Has it got Brian's P45 in it? Oh the rest of the letters from home. My boyfriend HATES the letters from home. Don't get sentimental, it always ends up drivel.
Can Ashley's parents read and write? His nan does his washing for him. There's a surprise. Do you think they'll play Gene's Olympian when he comes out of the house? I suspect not. I saw someone have an epileptic fit in a nightclub once and it was the first time I'd ever heard Olympian playing, and the whole time I was thinking, 'wow, what a cool song.'
'Ashley is snivelling in the toilet.'
Julie's definitely got to be out first. I wanted to put 'Bet Lynched' for my title but my boyfriend said it was hackneyed. Vetoed!
I do feel a bit sorry for her, but not as sorry as she feels for herself. It's just another witch hunt, isn't it? Prince Lorenzo out first! I thought it would be Julie.
Dallas schmallas. I'm gonna watch Beavis and Butthead.
It's cruel to keep the Prince in there for half an hour. You'd just want to go, wouldn't you? All people carping about having 'snouts'. Do they ALL smoke in there?
I don't think this interview is going to be very interesting, do you? He's come out looking beleaguered. I think he wants to go home and eat some of mummy and daddy's lobster.
See that Esso advert? I heard that 'blood is thicker than water but oil's thicker than both of them' line. Illuminati agenda!
Did he even get a cheer? I didn't hear it. Human calculator. He should have calculated those votes better.
Prince is right; Harvey should say the same thing about Mike! He should have got a round of applause then. Brian, organise your interview effectively.
Interesting what he said about Julian not opening up. It kind of sucks going on BB and not opening up, though.
I don't remember Harvey calling Lorenzo 'thick as shit'. I swear we've never seen that clip before. That clip was really mean with loads of people calling him a 'pussy' and stuff.
Prince: 'I don't care, I had fun flirting with her, and I don't feel like there was anything wrong with it.' Thank God. Why aren't more people clapping this? He's not thick as shit. He's a nice guy. Harvey is so horrid. But Harvey still won't get booed and it makes me sick.
Lorenzo is the second person who said they wanted Ashley to win. WHY? What are they seeing that we aren't?
Julie's chewing again! It's Eastenders vs Corrie. Eastenders triumphs. 'Love you'. Yeah, your love is worth less than nothing.
Shit, so she went through the DR (because of her medical condition, old age, I presume) but we should of at least seen her come out of the bottom door. So the crowd don't even get to see her boo her? That's a bit unfair. What about the people who did all the careful colouring in on those signs *Jamie East*?
Oh hold on, she is coming out of a trap door like the witch she is. Why isn't she getting booed? What a fucking fix.
Ew, Julie is chewing gum in her eviction interview. She's trying to control that interview - acting again. Shouldn't be too difficult with Captain Sexist in charge.
I like the way she dealt with that crowd: 'suit yourselves.' The crowd shouting 'who are you?' Who are you? A bunch of ugly fucking chavs, that what. And I don't use the word 'chav' anymore, but it's entirely appropriate here when dealing with that pond life. 
She's keeping her act up well in the interview. How long did she keep it up in the house? About 3 days.
I do like her pink leggings. I think she looks alright.
Julie: 'what you see is what you get.' Well, depending which day it is. She's running rings round him, isn't she?
I loved Julian looking after her, he's so sweet.
Why do they keep showing that moon-faced crowd? So Julie basically liked people running round after her. Is she on the sick?
And that concludes the matter. Get it? Got it... oh, you get the idea.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Don't worry - just don't sleep

Time for Cbeebies!
Julie: 'I just wanted to make it to the final.' You shouldn't have been a bit less duplicitous then.
'Because of a medical condition, Julie has her hair washed by an outside person.' WTF! What medical condition is that?! Divaitis? Again, the only reason they're telling us this is because Harvey is earwigging on Julie talking to her 'outside person' ie. mole.
Harvey can hear 'bare talking'. How can you be 'unprofessional' in the house? There's no professionalism required; you let it all hang out! You come as you are. What does he want her to do, start pulling pints? Saying someone is 'unprofessional' in the BB house is even more stupid than saying someone is 'inappropriate.' There's no such thing (well, except you know, threatening to rape someone, but apparently that's all hunky dory, too).
'Blatant.' Why does Harvey talk like a fucking 12 year old? Grow the fuck up. What did Julie say exactly? All you ever get is hearsay! Ashley: 'Someone should just tell her.' How about you, bruv?
Vote to save Julie just for one in the eye for this mutant Harvey.
Julie's hair looks nice now it's been done by a doctor. Did someone train for seven years to operate those GHDs? What medical condition is it? Alopecia? Dandruff?
Aw, to Julian sticking up for Julie, he's such a sweetpea. He knows exactly what she's like; he's just not bothered by it.
The living room they've set up looks like my living room; specifically the ornaments. I think we used to have that couch, too, back in the 80s. Ooh, this looks like a MASSIVE shit-stir task. Get your wooden spoon out.
Harvey aint got no social game! Is this first task like Pointless? Where's Richard when you need him?
Do you think they really asked 100 Big Brother fans? I don't there's 100 left.
I like Prince Lorenzo's eyebrows when he pops up in the corner. The Situation is just giving himself for every answer. Can't believe they didn't choose Julian for funniest housemate, Harvey actually chose Ashley over Julian; what a drongo.
Martin is going to look even smugger at being named most attractive. Sitch: 'He got me by a couple of percent' - lol.
Julie's gum chewing went into overdrive when she was named most manipulative. She's fucking scary, man. I would sleep with one eye open around her. Haha, she said even her husband does!
Martin: 'It's so wicked, this programme,' he says, smiling broadly. He's loving it.
The Situation: 'the bond we had was very thick.' Julie: 'no, you are very thick.' Julie, 80% of the public agreed! Julie has got some passive aggressive shit going on there.
Harvey is in the garden working on the sequel to 'Insania.' Martin is squeezing out a few 'dead parent' tears for the sympathy vote. He always was good in Eastenders, wasn't he? They're probably still alive (sorry).
I like the old people's home chic. I wish the BB house was really decorated like that.
This kid's TV show is rude; itchy growler?! Isn't that another name for a fanny? Puerile!
Julie can 'feel' the funny atmosphere. Because she's creating it! It's like Jasmine all over again.
This task is quite good today. At least it's kind of original.
LOL to 'throw me under the bus' being misquoted. Julie read that news out brilliantly considering she must be fuming. 'Lived through the world wars'! LOLOLOLOLOLOL. She did an Alan Carr smile then; brilliant.
Harvey's tut-tut-tut-twitching! Julie's going to throw him under the bus, and it won't be a metaphorical one, it'll be the number 29.
I feel sorry for Julian stuck between Julie and Coleen's bitching. I do feel he's holding back though; and he said as much when he said 'I don't want to make the news.'
Having to watch people searching under cushions for lighters on the TV is like looking at a mirror inside a mirror inside a mirror. It's a labyrinthine vortex. If I want to look at people searching for cigarette lighters, I'll merely turn to my left.
Can't they light the fags off the oven? Or if that's a health and safety issue, light a bit of paper and take that outside? Where there's a will there's a way.
Julie is being petty now. Julian is being so cool about things; not being drawn into the slagging session whatsoever. You can tell he thinks Harvey is pathetic. I feel a bit sorry for Prince. He seems a bit isolated, bless him.
Julie got her letter from home. 'Dear Julie, I can sleep with both eyes open tonight. Luv, Jeremy Kyle guest.'
It's annoying watching Harvey and Ashley floating their way to the end. I don't mind Sitch, but fuck those two.
Julie: 'I think Martin should stay.' Sure you do. Julian: 'Well, you are a disgrace.' Julie: 'yes, but that's not the point.' Aw. He has covered for her so well. I know part of it is gameplay; but I do believe 80% of it is that he's got a good heart. Julian FTW. I'd like to see Martin out tomorrow! Make it happen.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: It would give hope to pensioners

The Situation likes nominating but can't. Tell us who you would have nominated, then. At least it would be entertaining. Is he telling himself he doesn't like dairy? Not even Dairy Milk? Come on, now. Your country bought us that Hersheys crap that tastes like vomit.
Coleen and Julie's conversation translated: 'I hate you.' I hate you, too.'
Do gold records actually play? I doubt it. #popstarproblems (Note to self, don't do hash tags in own blog.) Extra note to self: don't say 'note to self' in blog.
People are trying to 'sweep Harvey up.' Try harder, please. Marcus: 'The Situation is rinsing out his hair dye.' Funnies. I liked Sitch's reaction to having to sit on the naughty step, it was funnier somehow because he was in the shower and you could just hear him and not see him.
He looks well mardy on the naughty step! Tee hee. I kind of like The Situation sometimes. He's unintentionally funny.
Julian's bringing politics into the nomination room. Ooh, he didn't nominate Sitch! See; Sitch was wise to take his previous nomination so well. I think Julian's warming to the Occasional Table. I wonder if he's going to get an upgrade on his moniker? A nest of tables? A sideboard?
Wow, Coleen and Julian BOTH nominated Martin! Cool.
You're not halfway out the door, Sitch, you're sitting on a fucking step, mate, get a grip. I think people aren't nominating him because they feel sorry for him. I'd like to see him win it in a weird way, some alternate universe.
Ooh just as I said that Julie nominated him. Wow, she didn't nominate Coleen! A bit late now to undig that hole, Bet. What's done cannot be undone. See her come and kiss Sitch full on the lips! How come people aren't calling her a hussy, hmm?
Sitch better hope 'but WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?' woman isn't in the Diary Room today, or he's sitting on that step all day long. I love him sulking, it's heartwarming.
Prince's nominations were spot on. 'Harvey treats women like property' - hallelujah.
Martin nominated Julie for 'dragging people into toilets', lol. So he nominated Julian for lighting up an electronic cigarette as it made the room too hot?! WTF. They should hand that shit out to the homeless and eskimos. 
Martin is really getting on my wick now. SMUG! He KNOWS Julian is a shoo-in to win, and he'll stop at nothing to make sure that doesn't happen. He nominated two power-players. He knows what he's doing.
Why does no one ever nominate this little Ashley prick? He's the worst thing on the planet. He's worse than scurvy. He's worse than the plague.
Even Ashley nominated Martin. Another one with his eye on the prize.
So if Harvey is nominating Lorenzo for flirting with Danica, I presume his next nomination will be for The Situation, right? Oh, no, that didn't happen. Well, knock me down with a feather. If he's so concerned about Danica's boyfriend, then surely he'd be looking out for Danica's boyfriend at home both ways. No. Just in the way that suits him. Hypocritical fuck-knuckle.
Harvey has 'morals'? Could have fooled me. He's a spoilt, sexist little cunt. Fuck you, Harvey. Fuck you sideways.
A super lol for Julie's 'it would give hope to pensioners' if I make it to the final speech. That's the most hilarious thing I've ever heard. She really is clutching at any straw going. She's clutching so many straws she could get a job at McDonalds filling up the dispensers.
Coleen and Prince are right about 'HAM' and their mentality. Teehee, Prince Lorenzo said 'throw me under the bus'. American reality TV cliches RULE.
WTF is this task? Did Mario and Luigi take a wrong turning? Plungers galore!
Martin's 'I didn't get a takeaway' face was fab. Cat's bum lips!
The Situation 'cooked for like two hours, yo.' Who's he, Jesse Pinkman? Aw, Sitch is browbeaten. I feel sorry for him.
Gruel. Is that the English version of slop? Julie's not enjoying it much. Must we watch her retching? Christ.
Sitch on what was said in the DR: 'join your fellow losers and eat your fucking gruel.; That's my sort of paraphrasing. 
My boyfriend is CONVINCED Martin is going to go home this week. He hasn't got a clue. Martin has got a HUGE fan base.
Julian calling Sitch out for attention-seeking and then going 'I don't mean you, people like you.' There's been loads of funny lines tonight. 
Martin's ruffled to be on the block, I can tell by his 'ape' body language.
Did Julie say 'I got ganged up on'? That's funny. She's been stirring that pot for two weeks now. Come on Julie, do it for the pensioners.
Ashley: 'it would be nice for one of us to win.' That aint going to happen, kid. Nice dream, though.
Julie: 'is that what you'd do to your nana?' I would cos my 'nana' was a sour old bitch, just like you. 'It shouldn't be allowed... that's bullying.' Oh, PLEASE. Please! Please! The nana card; I've heard it all now. Is this a newly discriminated against group? Bullying?!
Why is Julie chewing in the DR again? Stop fucking chewing, it's gross! Can you think of any reason they may have nominated you? 'No.' No? Not one reason?! If I was in that house I could think of about 25 billion reasons people would nominate me. What a bighead. 'God forgive them.' Oh, STFU, granny gristle. Get to stepping.
Martin's under the cosh because he's up. Is it a double eviction? It's got to be Julie and Lorenzo to go. I wouldn't be surprised if Lorenzo went before her.
Martin: 'people have seen the dark side of Julie.' Yes, and you helped them see it!
Julie calling Coleen a 'fat arse'. Nice. She's no Jasmine herself, is she?
Fucking hell, man, anyone would think Julie was the first person on the planet to ever be nominated. You can tell Julian wants her out now. Placating her is a full time job.
You gotta hand it to Coleen; she had Julie's card marked from day one. I didn't believe her. But she was right.
I hate the way Julie talks, repeating herself and just going on and on about me, me, me. She doesn't care about pensioners. She's no one's grandma. She's just a bitter, selfish old cow. And still I feel a little bit sorry for her. But not much.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Aceeeeeeeeeeeeed

I don't know about you but I'd rather watch Danica's 'flirtmance' than Julie vs Coleen. I'm not normally a fan of 'showmances' but at least hers was audacious and fun to watch. Now we've got to watch two old biddies moaning about who's top dog.
Coleen is giving short shrift to Julie's 'we need to get the fellas out' chat.
Look at Ashley snitching on Julie to Prince Lorenzo! Fucking grass. I wouldn't want to be in an alliance with that little shit; more SPAM than HAM, that one.
Martin loves the Prince being so ruffled. 'You can guess who I'm going after' - dur, that's nomination talk. Martin is such a smarmbox. I'm so onto him.
It's kind of sad to see Julie so isolated in a way. Everything that comes out of her mouth is just so transparent now. How the mighty have fallen.
It's kind of sad to see only two women left, too. Martin knows the rulebook and runs the kitchen *Vinnie Jones*.
Julie's plotting a very devious game... she needs to be outed like Nasty Nick. I like it when Big Brother calls them out and gives them a tell off. Leopard print taken away is one thing, but they didn't ban them from nominating, do they?
Sitch and Prince seem to be getting on very well now their Princess has gone. I guess they're both foreigners in a weird environment. Danica's foot-soldiers.
Prince shouldn't have to apologise to Julie! She was 'in shock, she doesn't remember saying it'. It's not the best excuse in the world, is it?' I was 'in shock, I don't remember punching you in the face, sorry'.
Ashley is so thick I think he should be accompanied by an adult at all times, especially when crossing roads. The only thing I've understood him saying all series is 'yeah'. This letter task is quite good, you get to keep one letter from home and put another one in a vat of 'acid' - ie. green slime.
LOL Julie's letter got the Jesse and Walt treatment. What do you get when you mix Big Brother with Breaking Bad? Top quality entertainment.
I'm glad Ashley didn't get his letter, he can't read anyway, the little twonk. I want to hear him read out someone else's, it will be like when Beavis and Butthead try and read the paper together.
Who's The Situation gonna get his letter from, Snooki?
Oh well, done, Ashley, what a bloody hero. Boo woo.
Julie doesn't bear a grudge. Hmm.
Martin knows how this show works back to front. He's a proper superfan.
My boyfriend hates it when they get the letters from home, he's such a grinch. I'll blub, bet you. I'm such a wuss.
Julie can't even stop chewing gum to read Julian's bloody letter. Julian was annoyed she didn't mention the cat. She did mention the bowls club, though. Coleen's letter was nice, funny and lighthearted. 
This acid house party looks alright. Where's the E?
I think The Situation and Harvey's potential TV show is going to go the same way as Coolio and Terry Christian's cookery show and Stephen Baldwin's plans to make Alex Reid the next James Bond. None of them made it past Barbell media.
Martin Kemp is dressed like a geography teacher tonight.
When I am king, anyone who says 'it is what it is' will be shot in the face without prior warning. In fact, consider this the prior warning. Goodnight!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Justin Beiber must be furious

Hmm, four girls out first; more evidence of the woman-hating United Kingdom in action.Emma's interview with Danica was a fucking joke; unless I missed the memo and flirting is a criminal offence now? The moral high-ground is slightly lost when you work for Channel 5, which owns the Daily Star, FFS.
Julie: looks like you picked the wrong alliance with the DMJ Samantha Brick.
The Situation: more Googled than Justin Beiber and Jesus Christ. Well, they're all arguably secret homosexuals.
Has Coleen not figured out The Situation isn't interested in her yet?
Julie saying 'I don't do like flattery' is a bit like when Dot Cotton says, 'I'm not one to gossip...'
Julie: 'when he comes out of the closet' comment about Lorenzo. Niiiiiiiiiiice (even though I just said the same thing two minutes ago, but I was joking). Oh Julie, leave it with the 'get it, got it, gone' thing! Just STFU and stop digging your own grave.
Even Harvey '21 braincells to rub together' is onto Julie now. That game is officially UP! Harvey doesn't care about bitching anymore because he's got out the two women who wouldn't sleep with him. Job done. Now he can start pretending he's a stand-up dude again. Well too late, motherfucker, we got your card marked, kiddo. We know all about your attitude towards women, as if we didn't know already.
Enjoy those talks about the glory days, Julie, because they're over now. Everyone is onto you.
Martin has been sowing the seeds for Julie's demise for time. If Julie said something so offensive, I certainly hoped you picked her up on it, especially if she said something 'as rough as you'd hear in a North London pub.' I mean, how unladylike!
This HAM (Horseshit and misogyny) alliance is a new thing. Apparently Sitch's fans support Ashley and Harvey, too. Thanks for telling us. The same morals? Yeah, the 'treat women like dirt' school of morality. One for all, and all for one, homies. I watched that Ashley on the live feed last night and I literally could not understand one word that was coming out of his mouth except 'bruv'. Isn't he from London? Shouldn't I be able to understand him? I think it's just thicko speak, isn't it? 
That 'get Julie out' was soooo loud, and she's not even up, LOL.
Julie baffled at the chants. Is she really trying to pretend they were saying 'get Julian out'? That's a low blow. Julian knows it wasn't his name. It's one syllable shorter. It says a lot about her than she tried to put it on him, and more about him that he tried to protect her. Julian: 'it's just some silly girls chanting.' Exactly. Julie: can give it out but cannot take it.
I could tell Sitch was gutted Danica was gone on the live feeds. He looked more upset than Prince did.
Danica is like Teflon; she can take a few boos.
Is Julie dragging people into corners 'mixing'. Discussing nominations in the loo! Her mind on that already. Just says it all, really, doesn't it?
I like seeing Julie under the cosh. I think she's so used to people kissing her arse. Should have kept that act up a bit longer, Bet. Not impressed with Martin and Harvey throwing her under the bus. Those two were just as malicious and unpleasant in that God's task - possibly more so. It does not reflect well on her.
Why is this 'health lottery' BS in the middle of Big Brother? I'm fed up of having that bunghole Natalie Cassidy shoved down my throat. Get off my screen: FOREVER!
I love Julian complaining about it being too blokey and 'talking about sport'. He said 'sport' like it was 'child-molesting.' Julian begrudging saying he'd miss the DMJ, lol.
Harvey dropping Julie in it about the noms. Nice. Did that person who I can't understand what he's saying say 'tomorrow she's getting it, isn't she?'
The fact is; Harvey and Ashley were Julie's little sheep, just following blindly. Now they're two puppy dogs lost. But I never forget a sheep. And then turning on her is not helping their game; it's too late.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Samantha, you swore you never turned that trick before

Oh my God! I'm drunk. I just watched the most exciting veto episode of BBUS yet. Absolutely FUCKING AMAZING. The drama! I know it's fake, but it's just so, so good. I implore you to start watching it if you're not. Watch the whole lot, every series, from series 2. It's better than Breaking Bad. I'm not joking.
Anyway, here we are. I just need to come back down to earth. So you couldn't do as I suggested and save Danica and Coleen, as it's a double eviction. My boyfriend thinks it's unfair to have a double eviction when there's three up. I suppose, but what are they going to do, there's a lot still to get out.
The Situation's punishment of not being able to nominate for the rest of the series isn't that serious if you think that there's probably only two rounds of nominations left. I don't think his nominations are that vital anyway; he's quite floaty.
The Sitch: 'I don't like being punished.' I think he means, 'Sorry I cheated.' Sitch; you've let a lot of people down, Grandma J-woww, Snooki, and that other one. He doesn't even know Snooki's named her baby Lorenzo, yet. Awkward. All I know about Jersey Shore, I've learnt from Beavis and Buthhead.
Julian bonding with Lorenzo; I don't think it's hurting his game to tell his story of coming out. And I'm sure he knows that.
I feel a bit sorry for Coleen, especially as it's likely she'll leave tonight before Julie.
Is Danica bending over in the Diary Room with a bow tie on? LOL.
Samantha; yeah, you are the underdog. You haven't been 'playing' anyone, because no one is the slightest bit interested in you.
My boyfriend voted too late because we started watching it 20 minutes late! He's one of those people Brian has to patronise about the plus 1, lol.
Who said 'fucking twat' after that leopard print conversation? OMG it was Julie. What a cunt! Coleen will get a lot of sympathy votes for that, and rightly so.
Ballet task. The quotes are absolutely inspired.
Who does Samantha Brick thinks she is, Dannii Minogue, swapping seats to sit next to Simon Cowell?
Where's the titties in this ballet? If the quote mentions titties, you should at least mime 'titties' in the dance.
'He's totally lost his balls.' Sitch knows how to do a good handstand. They all seem strangely athletic. Is ballet this easy? I liked the eating of the balls at the end - hilarious.
This task is quite surreal. What do they win? Nobody ever knows. Are Julian and Martin doing devil horns for Julie? Where was the pie?! That ballet task was a vote rig if every I've seen it.
'Get the bitch out - Danica.' That's a nice sign. Should those people be allowed crayons? I reckon those signs are handed out as the crowd come in, don't you? Jamie East probably colours them in. The crowd are chanting 'get Julie out' lol. Makes a change for the crowd to be on target. I wonder if Julie heard it?
They should play 'Brick Shithouse' by Placebo when Samantha comes out. 'Don't you wish you never met her?' Or 'Journalists who lie' although it's got no tune, so that might not work.
I like Samantha's dress. She's not getting that badly booed. I think indifference is worse, really, isn't it? You can see with people like her and Rhian why they're not celebrities, because they don't have much presence.
My boyfriend is timing Sam's interview as he doesn't think she's going to get more than four minutes. He's just offered me a title of 'Sam-blander.'
Samantha's hair looks worse than mine when I go to work in the morning. Does she not have a straightening iron? A hairdryer? Yeah the troll Samantha just sits behind a keyboard. She has no game. 'I put on my work hat'. That's one of my most hated expressions ever; I've got this 'hat' on. No you haven't. Fuck off.
A Daily Mail journalist talking about a 'moral compass'. Funnies. Like when Peter Hitchens tried to take down Russell Brand and failed.
Samantha is a 'kindred spirit' with the Sitch? Rilly? GET JULIE OUT. GET JULIE OUT.
Why isn't Samantha getting more shit from the crowd? Fuck her. 'Coleen is a manipulator' - no, she was genuinely upset. Brian is telling us what the crowd is thinking again.
She's had like a ten minute interview! I don't care what she has to say. Fuck off back to France. I don't care about your cooking. LOL to Julian calling her 'common' in her best bits. Sweet.
Samantha wants Ashley to win. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Ha, her husband is there. Has he got his shotgun with him?
Are they booing Brian's 'if you're watching on +1 speech'?
Sitch's pec dancing was quite funny. His body is not nice, in my opinion. Nor is his face.
Lorenzo smokes, too. They're all chuffing like chimneys in there.
I hate people who judge other people for their dietary issues. What's it got to do with you what Coleen eats? All the more for you, isn't it? Leave her be.
Oh no, Danica's out. That sucks. I thought Coleen would get a big sympathy vote tonight. Coleen is not that interesting, though.
So how rude is Brian going to be to Danica? My boyfriend guessed they'd play 'Maneater.' one second before they played it. I thought it was going to be 'Gold digger.'
Danica is cool, calm and collected. I don't think she's going to let Brian make her shit-eat. It's not her fault if two people fancy her. Yeah, she did encourage it, but so fucking what? SO WHAT.
Danica's 'beautiful boyfriend' didn't look too happy. He also had an enormous nose.
Brian: 'do you ever think you crossed the line?' STFU. That's up to her boyfriend, not you.
Don't apologise, Danica, don't let them slut-shame you! OMG you're giving them everything they want.
I just like her spirit. Don't let them break your spirit. Interesting that Danica wants Coleen to win.
OMG, Brian digging her out about her wishlist! LOL someone bought her the 'multi-gym'. Jasmine was carping about that multi-gym. Her boyfriend looks livid!
Yay, get Julie out! And Julie heard it. I'm absolutely thrilled. I'll be sad not to see Danica in the house anymore, though. She didn't force those people to spend 6K whilst she was in the house. They just did. So there.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Too much food, not enough cigarettes

Fucking hell, just watched yesterday's BOTS and they might as well have renamed it the 'Danica is a whore' show. Well known morality oracle and uber-doofus, Paul Ross was calling her a bad person as if it's some scientifically verified fact. I would have thought he'd support talentless people riding on coattails; after all, he's made a career out of it. Emma Willis was also sticking the knife into Danica all night long. Tragic. I honestly think they do it to make us vote more.
Julie and Samantha bitching! Bitch bitch bitch, it's just like Ashleigh slagging off Lauren all over again, when she did nothing to warrant it.  'Isn't it horrible?' Yes, isn't it! Two haggard old witches, stirring the pot.
Julie, you haven't been yourself, because you had me fooled you were a nice person for about three days. Now your real self has emerged. And it's ugly.
What is this 'emergency dental appointment' for Julian?! That shouldn't be allowed. He doesn't look in pain.
Martin's polishing his halo in the Diary Room, whilst being just as much of a backstabber as Julie.
This God's task has really messed up all those who were Gods' though, because they think they know EVERYTHING and they've become too smug.
Samantha's fringe is really upsetting me. When your fringe goes on the wonk, you go for the side fringe. Simple.
Shopping list times! £50 on fags. I wouldn't allow that! Julian: 'too much food, not enough cigarettes.' Rhian just wants a pack of cigarettes and some face wipes. Is that part of a balanced diet? Most of the celebrities smoke, don't they? Smoking is cool, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh. RIP.
OMG Julie is so FAKE. 'I can't imagine it without you, I love you so much.' Give that old bitch an Oscar, because she really deserves one. At least Big Brother edited that fairly, showing the contrast. Coleen had her sussed since Day 1. Danica has not lied to someone's face like Julie has. Julie should be ashamed of herself. Imagine how Danica will feel when she comes out and sees that?
Julie would seem like the perfect housemate if you were in there, because she literally just agrees with everything the person she's speaking to is saying. Her word means less than nothing. Trouble is, you can't fool the public playing that sort of game.
How did Julian's trip to the dentist go? I hope he was escorted better than on Rhian and Jasmine's trip to the supermarket.
Why does everyone hate Coleen so much? I mean, I find her boring and mumsy, but I'm on her side just because I don't get the vendetta against her. Face to face nominations ruin Julie's gameplan, don't they? It's unfair because 'the Gods' will nominate for things they saw on the TV.
My boyfriend just said exactly what I was thinking; the only reason they mentioned Julian went to the dentist was because he mentioned it then right before the 'live' nominations and they couldn't bleep it out. So Lord knows what other appointments they're going to during the day; chiropractor, masseur, brothel, betting shop.
Nominations: Harvey might as well have just said 'bro's before ho's' for his nomination.
Julian nominated the DMJ and The Occasional Table as usual.
Coleen nominated Samantha and her rat-teeth, and Sitch. Why no nomination for Julie? Oh, cos it's F2F. Coward!
Prince Lorenzo nommed Julian and Julie. Brave. He'll pay for that.
Ashley: *Unintelligible mumbling* They shouldn't be allowed to nominate because of things they saw on the screen, I don't agree with it whatsoever.
Julie: Danica looked shocked at Julie's nomination. Coleen did not. I still don't get the 'moving from group to group' thing.
Interesting that Martin nominated Sam 'because she wants to go home' and Julian because he had a tooth removed. Cop out noms! Those aren't the real reasons. Where's the 'BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?' woman when you need her. You're worried Julian is going to beat you at the end, more like.
The Situation: Julie's obviously been in his ear about Coleen. Ooh, and he nominated Danica to her face. Ouchy.
Sam: Nommed Coleen and Danica. 'We don't respect men the same way'? You have no respect for women.
Danica: Nominated Sam and Ashley. At last a nomination for Ashley. Called Harvey, Ashley and Sitch out for being bullies. LOL. The 'b' word. Gotta love it.
Stop bullying Danica! It's hardly Conor and Deana again, is it? She's just upset she's up.
Martin: 'The whole 'bed club thing'. The first rule of bed club is you stick to the one bed. Martin's.
I think Danica is right to be upset with Sitch, and I believe she would never have nominated him. He's just cockblocked and on the attack. Gold glittery eyeshadow tears. Careful, you'll get a shard in your eye. Don't waste any (joke!)
Hold up, The Sitch isn't allowed to switch nominations halfway through! That's cheating, isn't it?
I actually feel sorry for Coleen. She got stitched up with that task. The others had an unfair advantage watching her conversations; what about that conversation Julie had with Samantha at the start of the show?
Coleen is RIGHT: Julie IS 'so fucking two-faced.' Spot on, she does not love those people. I felt genuinely upset for Coleen then.
Aw, that conversation was cute between Sitch and Julian. Sitch was very cool about that nomination; gracious.
Ashley and Harvey aren't bullies but they sure are pricks. Actually, Ashley did try and bully Rhian into having sex with him. Forgot about that.
Harvey: your earring makes you look like a tool. 'How she's acting is wrong.' Is he a fucking vicar or something now? Two-time love cheat wifebeater Harvey? How can him and Jasmine judge others with a straight face, seriously?! You are ARSEHOLES.
Harvey on Danica's flirting: 'It's not fine.' IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! You're not her boyfriend, what's it got to do with you? SHUT THE FUCK UP! Argh, just shouted at the screen. Not good. Scares the cat. It's up to DANICA'S BOYFRIEND what he puts up with, not HARVEY, not the British public, and not anyone else. Drop dead, Harvey, you hypocritical little fucknut. You sexist little weasel.
Brick has to go. The power has to go back to Danica and Coleen's side, or Julie and her ASBO alliance are going to win this fucker. Do the right thing. Save Danica AND Coleen.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Happily ever after

Ooh I just can't resist! Because I know I'll have something to say and I can't go on Twitter because it's midnight and I'll spoilerise myself. Patrick Wolf was... interesting. The people behind us were complaining loudly, so I told them to 'fucking go home if they weren't enjoying it' and they did. Win! It was kind of a win for them too, as the rest of the show was a bloody shambles. We had a good giggle, though. Anyway, on with the show, as the man himself says.
Note Martin Kemp stepping in to tell Ashley and Harvey (King Tut-tut-tut) to watch their shit-stirring. He's stirred up that hornet's nest and now he's backing away slowly. I remember him doing all the 'hook/line/sinker' mimes, he was stoking that fire along with everything else. This task has run its course. Sup up and fuck off.
Are you telling me the housemates can't tell that it's the others doing the BB voiceovers? They're not idiots!
Harvey and Ashley are really shooting themselves in the foot here. 'Your boyfriend allows you to hug other men!' I hugged 'another man' twice tonight. Fair enough, he was gay, but so was everyone at the Patrick Wolf gig.
I don't really like this new bit where they do a plea to stay in the BB house. It kind of gets on my nerves. I don't like it BBUS and I don't like it here. 
The Situation's speech was more like it. None of them can do 20 seconds. Another Big Brother fail.
'Danica is foraging in the bedroom'. With her arse out. I hate them all watching and passing judgement more than I hate Danica stealing their sweeties. So there.
Samantha Brick: 'that woman is poison.' Well, you are, too, and at least Danica's got a nice arse. I like Danica's hair colour, too, I wonder if it's real.
I haven't seen much of Julian Clary tonight. Why is Martin telling them he saw everything? He's game-playing. They could have kept that up their sleeve. Is he trying to look like the 'good guy' doing that? I can't work him out.
Why is Rhian selling Danica down the river because Ashley is saying he's 'seen stuff'. I've seen, I've seen, I've seen stranger things, man. Pathetic.
I HATE Julie now. Her mask has COMPLETELY slipped. Coleen is worried that she's said something, obviously. This is really unfair, actually, and making me feel sorry for Coleen.
Julian has galvanized the new 'outsiders': him, Danica, Prince, Coleen. But the interesting part is Julie is on the opposing side.
What is this 'mixing' Julie speaks of? Can we have an example? What does it mean, mixing, going from group to group? Where is the accusation exactly? I'm not sure Julian is buying it.
I think Coleen has been wearing that dress for two days now.
Sitch is twitching. He's apologising to Danica. Aw, she apologised back. Right after the voting closed.
FUCK OFF, Julie! It's YOU mixing, not anyone else. Put the wooden spoon away.
The Situation to Danica: 'we really had something in this house'. He's living in fantasy land. Still, bless him. 'Can we have a hug?' Only if you pay for it.
Samantha: don't tar all young women with the same imaginary slut brush you've pulled out of your arse. Stick your article.
Danica wants to go for a meal with Prince Lorenzo. 'The steam coming off the tub... that moon.' Do people always talk in these fairytale riddles to her? No wonder she's so cynical! I'd find it hard to stop myself rolling my eyes. This music they're playing is like something out of Twin Peaks.
Is that Samatha's best hairdo for the night?  I like Danica's gold glittery eyeshadow.
YES! Danica is safe. I knew the horrendous edit they've been giving her would save her. And I voted for her today. Take that, sexism. I knew it would be her and Sitch safe.
I do feel a bit sorry for Rhian. She's been treated like crap in that house and overlooked in favour of Danica, because Danica has had stronger 'storylines'.
Danica can't 'physically believe we've saved her.' I bet Julie can't believe it either, lol. Hope Brick goes so it's one in the eye for that side of the house.
So more people voted to save Samantha Brick than Rhian? Er... why? You think just totty-wise she'd have been thrown a few votes. My boyfriend is agog.
Rhian looks good, I like her Barbie-doll dress. She must be gutted to be gone before the DMJ (Daily Mail Journalist). At least Martin Kemp, chief shit-stirrer, will be happy.
Rhian should have stuck up for herself over the Ashley situation, but this clip says more about him than it does about her.
Brian, stop slut-shaming, you fucking prick. Feely touchy! She has a boyfriend! Boundaries, shmounderies, no means no. Get it, got it, good.
WTF: 'your boyfriend has declined to come here tonight, how does that make you feel, [you slut]?' (Brian's thoughts in brackets). How judgemental is that?!
Brian has treated Rhian about 50 times worse than he treated Conor when he was interviewed for this show. I'm utterly disgusted. He basically told her she was dumped and then 'interviewed' her for another ten minutes i.e. dug her out for being a slag.
I'm getting sick of this show and it's hatred for women. It's really making me angry. Another fail for Big Brother. Let's keep voting Danica to win as one in the eye for them. I'd like to see Brian have to be nice to her, and I'd like to see Julie's and The Situation's face.  
Over and out.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Sackcloth and clashes

I'm getting sick of this vendetta against Danica now. A women who makes money out of her sexuality must be crushed. Must be booed. Must have her spirit crushed. Must have her hymen stitched up again and the sheet waved out on the street once her Prince comes. Fucking SPARE ME! It's making me SICK. *spits feathers*
This task is annoying. Are they giving Julie enough rope to hang herself? Imagine if Danica was lying there being fed by the 'cherubs'. Whore/slut/ bitch, etc. Sigh. Love that camera angle where it looked like Julie was giving that guy a blowjob.
I wouldn't eat that manky old bruised banana from Morrisons. This is making me literally want to upchuck. Wow, it didn't underline upchuck. That is an actual word.
Martin is really getting on my nerves tonight. He's become something worse than boring; unlikeable.
Oh so they can watch what the housemates are doing? Why are we only being told about this now, or did I get dirt in my eye in the last part?
Uh oh, Harvey is hearing them slagging him off. It's quite mild though, it's just them telling the truth really. That pie in the face wasn't THAT bad. Gone off Julie. Gone off a lot of these people, actually.
If I had to hang out with any of these housemates, it would be Julian, Rhian, Danica and Prince Lorenzo.
Harvey: 'she'll start her trickery again.' What is she, a fucking sourceress?
At least they didn't show Rhian's nominations, but that's still cruel doing that to her. The Situation doesn't know what a skivvy is. Ashley you sacrificed your dignity long ago, sunshine.
The Gods are just going to pick whoever they like the most. Why do they love Ashley so much? Are they seeing something I'm not? My boyfriend reckons it's because he's weak and easily led.
The Situation is having a little hissy fit. He looks like an angry Fred Flinstone. Wiiiiiiiiiiiilma!
Harvey and Ashley in there is like Jay and Anton in the crypt; NOT TV Gold. TV shite. Who do they think they are? They aren't so much douchebags, as douche change purses.
I can't believe people actually still call him 'The Situation' in conversation. It's mental.
Are we seeing Situation's sensitive side in the DR? Does he really care about Ashley that much? NO. He's miffy-ied about getting cockblocked and that's it. Get it, got it, good.
How has Sitch seen the websites he's on? He hasn't! He's just been caught out as the feeble, boring man he is. The Sitch has been potato-sacked. Took one for the team, uhuhuhuhuhuh.
Good on Danica telling Sitch what's what. 'It's not my problem that you fancy me and I don't fancy you back.' Exactly.
HOW IS SHE FAKE TELLING HIM WHAT'S WHAT? How is that fake? That's as real as it gets. FUCK YOU, HARVEY! ARGHHHHHH NNNNNGGGGGGGGG.
Look at Julie stuffing her face. Ugh!
LOL at Prince Lorenzo not able to escape 'The Situation.'. She's right, Sitch is petty. I'd love to read Lorenzo's mind right now. Yeah, shut up about your Lamborghini, Sitch. And your abs.  
Wow, Coleen and Julian are actually backing her up. Thank God. Some sense! Someone speaks sense. They didn't back her up at the time, did they? But even so, it's something.
Danica would prefer a bottle of perfume from Rhian than a Lamborghini from Sitch. Er... will socks, do?
Fuck off, Brick, you old hag. I can't wait to see you get the boot.
Sitch is stomping round like a little kid who hasn't got his own way.
I hate this wishy washy alliance of Martin, Julie, Ashley and Harvey. The moral majority! Fucking spare me. A wifebeater, a murderer (well, Steve Owen, anyway), Bet Lynch, a known cow, and Ashley, a little turd.
I can't wait to read Samantha's hit-piece on Danica when she gets out. Does this idiot know what The Situation does for a living? He does THE SAME DAMN THING. Except he fucks girls on TV. HYPOCRITES!
LOL to Danica hiding under Prince Lorenzo's sack. I've noticed her hide under a lot of things, blankets, jackets. Oh STFU Martin, just because she never went for you. Cos you're TOO OLD.
Imagine Ashley saying 'bless his cotton socks' about you. Ouch. This is cruel letting them watch this conversation, it's nasty. I feel sorry for Prince. He's a bit vulnerable! But let's not forget: he's a grown man. He can look after himself. He doesn't need protecting.
So I think I'm going out tomorrow night (to see Patrick Wolf at the Old Vic, see it's not all trash culture with me) so I don't think I'll get time to do a blog, but if I've got the spirit we'll do a podcast when I get back but that won't be until after midnight. And if my spirit is broken, I might not not even make it! But I'll do my very best.
If Danica goes, I'm going to be fucking livid. Save Danica; evict Brick!  

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Le Situationé

Sorry I'm late, I was watching BBUS and Breaking Bad, both of which were heart-racing rollercoasters of emotion, literally the two best shows on TV bar none. If you're not watching them, you're nuts.
I'm hoping for the same from BBUK. Instead I think I'm going to get a big fat dose of misogyny and the wrong people up for nomination.
If I was Danica I'd be so sick of these men all trying to take a chunk of her. She doesn't OWE THEM anything.
Julian, someone asking you if you're alright is not that awful, even if they are a 'Daily Mail journalist', which she isn't, she just wrote a hit piece or two. £2 a word? That IS nice work if you can get it. Imagine if I got £2 a word for this bullshit. I'd be a millionaire.
Who died and made Julie Queen of the house? The Situation has such a spud-face. What a lucky bastard to be in the position he's in. Julie is DISCUSSING NOMINATIONS as well. 'You're my boy, I've got your back etc'. Come on, we all know what this means.
Don't worry about your continuity on BB, Martin. You're consistently dullsville. Martin IS a bit of a let down, isn't he? He is playing a game, but it's more like bingo than Big Brother.
So let me get this right, it's OK for The Situation to bring back 30 females to a hotel room for sex in fact 'it's really funny', says Daily Mail journalist Samantha Brick. Can't they see what's right in front of their face? Can you imagine if Danica said she had 30 guys in a hotel room? Come on. Imagine it. Imagine how different that conversation would be. Danica says that. Would Samantha find it funny? Don't you feel sick to your stomach at the double standard? In any situation where you're about to call a woman a 'slag' imagine a it's man you're thinking about, and suddenly it's a different story, isn't it? It's so unfair. It's 2012, for fuck's sake, are we still this backward? NEITHER is wrong, incidentally. Webcam bullshit, soft porn, groupies, whatever floats your boat, knock yourself out. Just the double standard is wrong.
Harvey, what a shock nominating Danica. Not your kind of woman? No, you prefer ones you can push around a little more easily, don't you?
Was expecting Coleen to go after both the girls, but she didn't. Nominated Brick for being a Stepford wife. I say if someone wants to be a Stepford wife, let them get on with it. I don't give a fuck. Let's stop judging other women's lifestyle choices, hey, how about that?
Julie and Julian continue to make a great double act, but I'm not buying her for a minute anymore. She's about 20 times faker than Danica.
Harvey's poisoned hug with Coleen, lol.
Rhian, stop nominating Martin, no one is is going to put him up! Ha, she nominated The Sitch for the couch story. Sofa, so good! I couldn't personally give a shit if Sitch burnt down a sofa. He's got 4mil, it's peanuts to him. I couldn't give a shit about that. If he wants to set fire to his money, go for it.
Judo-twonk nominated exactly who you'd expect him to nominate; the girls who won't sleep with him. 'I'd love for her to stay' - nominate someone else, then, prick. I have no time for that little dickhead whatsoever.
Martin didn't nominate Rhian for once. He's peed off with Danica, though. Probably because she's not flirting with him.
Julie is not only telling Sitch who to vote for, she's using the sexist terminology: 'man up'. Is she not going to get called up for this? Blatant nomination talk yesterday and today, and nothing done about it (yet).
Julie: keep your fucking beak out of other people's business! Why do people defend Ashley or even like him, he comes across like a little thug. As for her defending Sitch, why doesn't she go home, stick the Jersey Shore box set, and then go say sorry to Danica. OK, bye.
Oh boo woo, Sitch, Danica doesn't fancy you, tough shit. 'Love of your life' - what's he talking about? I think he's got his Big Brother brain on, as the Irrepressible Dark Horse used to say. 
LOL to Martin and Lorenzo moaning about having to mix with 'club class' (ie. the hoi polloi) on their jets. Way to pick up votes from the high class BB voters (ie. me).
Samantha used to have a Mercedes for her dogs. Is this the 'I've got more money than you' episode? I like Julian's cardigan and nominating Lorenzo for going on about his Harley Davidson.
WTF has it got to do with you what Danica does, Samantha? Mind your own bloody business.
Prince: 'throw me under the bus' - BBUS fighting talk.
So who's up? Danica, Samantha, The Situation and Rhian. I hope Samantha goes, and besides, who would vote to save her? I'm going to vote to save Danica.
Julian is not happy with The Sitch's bragging about getting in fights.Sitch's pretend shocked face about Danica. You nominated 'the love of your life.' No one is comforting him again. I think he's struggling not having people falling at his feet. It's a good life lesson for him that he doesn't have global currency.
Fuck off, Julie, you don't decide who goes home, we do. No one's going to vote to save Samantha except her crazy husband, and isn't he in France?
Julian's bedtime story was the lols. No one could have done that better than him. Aw, I love his doggies. Even Prince looked teary.
We don't care if Samantha has been cooking you meals, that doesn't entertain us. It's of no interest to viewers whatsoever. Remember she said that she wouldn't write about people in the house. Remember it! And then read it in about a week's time. Saturday, is we're lucky.