Big Brother 2014: (This series was not) Absolutely fantastic

What's the opposite of 'absolutely fantastic'? Big Brother 2014. It was the series that almost killed my blog; and I blame Helen. No, I don't, I blame the production. Never has more of a mess been made of things, and never have viewers been more insulted. And we saw Conor walk out of there with a bag full of swag. And still that wasn't as much of an insult as this sham of a series. Quite something, isn't it?
This will be the last blog I do about Big Brother 2014, but I'll be back yapping for CBB next week and hoping it's more of a Lee Ryan taps-on affair than a Abz swan-apple yawnathon (no offence to Abz or his lovely swan apple).
If you've been listening to our podcast you'll be in the loop with my feelings on the season, but this week in particular it has felt like Big Brother is determined to edit Ashleigh in a bad light and Helen positively. Do they think we can't see through it? Ashleigh isn't MY winner, but she deserves it a damn sight more than raging nutcase alwaysintheright Helen. Helen has nor redeemed herself. You can't be one way for two months then another for ten minutes and fool people. You just can't.
Christopher was my winner for the past two weeks or so for being generally a sweet soul, but the constant interference even destroyed that for me last night, when Chris spinelessly saved pointless Pav over Chris. The fact ANYONE is still eating up that journey bullshit is CRIMINAL. Pav has barely been to the shops and back. Chris has been living in fear of Helen for two plus months, his only salvation in a packet of Golden Virginia. Let's get the 'journeys' into perspective, and then never say the word journey again.
This is a series so horrendously bad that Ash; a man who cheerfully said 'I'd hate to go out with a girl who's a slut', called a woman a 'maggot' to her face and said 'put some of the water back in the pool' (behind her back) when the same woman (Slugsworth, if you must know) was trying to enjoy herself, is now some sort of hero. Like some kind of potential winner, just because he says 'absolutely fantastic' in a funny voice (admittedly, it is genius). Meanwhile, dumbo Winston got Tamara foisted back on him, and Mark and his LIES spectacularly unravelled, leaving him to hang up his eyebrows on the back of the Diary Room door, a bit like Daley had to do last year with Hazel's salmon pink hoodie.
The series is a MESS. The only thing the shit-for-brains producers have stuck to is doggedly refusing to take Helen's pass of her, despite her temper tantrums, cruelness and general bullying (yeah I said it) and undoubtedly, viewers switching off in droves.
Anyway, tonight's show is just Ashleigh getting stitched up, and Chris cringing. Helen can't even explode with Chris there, they are too mismatched a pairing. It's no good having a secret room unless the people collude. It's not exactly Gina and Dexter, is it?
Helen's keeping her enormous gob shut for once - she's no fool, she's got her eyes on the prize (t.m. Pav's mum, but not quite) and she's not going to blow it now. Well, not until she had a can of whisky, anyway.
So now they're doing a task making Ashleigh and Pav insufferable. The old Dustin treatment, hey! They must think we were BORN YESTERDAY. Yet some people are, and will probably fall for it. Sigh.
I kind of feel sorry for Helen having no one to bitch with in that room. She can't call Ashleigh a cunt to Chris, so she just has to simmer to herself. Quite funny when you think about it. The long and short of this is Chris has got live feed, and not one other thing to do in that room, and even HE can't be bothered to watch it. Are Big Brother trying to make a point or what, lol. Don't worry, I won't start going on about outside contact. 
Hmm, this is quite a boring episode, isn't it, I should have done last night. Watching people watching TV, it's like Gogglebox without the laughs, or Beavis and Butthead without the music videos. Last night had two fake evictions, Iris doing the zingbot voice and Ash as a psychologist. And for all the jokes on Twitter about Helen, that picture DID look like a dick that was split in half!
The fake interview section was quite boring, with Pav saying he wants to earn £10K a month and live in a mansion. I think Chris's questions were the problem. Is it a fact the egg came before the chicken? No it is not. He's like the Richard Dawkins of the chicken/egg conundrum. Chris is being a bit of a party pooper tonight.
Why is Helen crying in the Diary Room? Why isn't she going mad over Ashleigh? Why is Chris always trying to cuddle her? Why oh why oh why.
Now, let's see who looks GENUINELY happy when Chris and Helen return! Ash thinks it's fantastic, but not absolutely fantastic, which just isn't good enough. They all actually look quite happy. Chris is REALLY happy to see other people again! Not exactly fight night, is it?
Ash: 'I thought we'd got rid of them!' and 'what's happening, dragon?' to Helen, lol. Ash has become the king of the one liners. Ash is funnier than Chris, for reals. Shame he's a complete knob, also.
Oh, Helen's going down the sympathy route, rather than down 'put 'em on blast' route. She must think we have short memories, and you know what, she's right. Look how quickly that 'creepy Chris' edit took hold.
Is that Pav's actual necklace, or has he just kept his bling on from the task? Either way, weak gameplay.  Never wear the crown, the HOH robe, or any other regalia. Especially no dictator uniforms.
I'm glad Christopher is feeling guilty for evicting Chris, so he should. You lost my vote, Christmas. As it stands now, Chris is my winner, but I don't really mind who wins out of Chris, Ashleigh or Christopher. If Chris wins, it's a victory for the viewers, as he said what we were thinking (yeah behind people's backs, and so would you, probably). If Christopher wins, it would be a slap in the face to Pauline, Toya and Mark, who made him feel small. If Ashleigh wins, it will drive Helen mad. And that's as good a reason as any. If by some weird reason Ash wins, I wouldn't even begrudge him it. I wouldn't even begrudge Helen as she's at least put the spade work in, in her own sick way. Pav though! That journey! No way, mate. Not on my watch.
Helen, no amount of bitterness towards Ashleigh can win it for you now. So just stop it. Someone on Twitter said to me tonight 'how come when Ashleigh bitches it's OK?' and the answer is, because Ashleigh has not terrorised the house for two months plus. If people think they're in any way similar, they're mad. Ashleigh is a normal girl, Helen has a screw loose. I like certain sides to Helen, but she's a loose cannon and needs a good couple of years of therapy. Ashleigh is perfectly sane and has been quite patient, if anything.
Helen is desperately jealous of Ashleigh, and Ashleigh has the effortless respect of the men in the house. Ash is Helen's 'best friend/sidekick' and he takes the mick out of her all the time. Plus his mum will ground him if he tries to hang out with Helen in the outside world.
Ash just did a toast that included not one but TWO (count them) 'fantastics'. Bit of a waste of wine, though.
So that's it from me! I'm off to Sweden for a wedding at 7am on Friday morning so I'll be avoiding spoilers (can't imagine the Big Brother winner is front page news in Sweden) and catching up when I get back on Sunday.
We WILL be doing a wrap up podcast, so do give us a listen if you like that sort of thing. I do it with my boyfriend James and he's funnier than me, which is annoying. And check out Big Brother US if you love Big Brother in general. It's great fun and we podcast that, too.
See you for Celebrity Big Brother on Monday and thanks for reading. I really appreciate the hardcore gang of us left clinging on, and the bitching on Twitter has been very enjoyable, funny and imaginative, unlike this series of Big Brother. You're all absolutely fantastic.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: The Final - He wouldn't say boo to a ghost

Well, here we are. I'm not as excited about this final as the whole world seems to be, as it's boring when you know who's gonna win, especially when it's a ruddy-faced bigot. But imagine if there were a shock? Then we'd be talking. I'm going to vote for Luisa and Dappy, as I don't think there's much point voting for Casey. OMFG I just voted for Jim by accident then I had to vote for Dappy and Luisa twice to cancel it out. Fumble fingers.I probably just sealed Casey's fate.
It's raining. God is displeased with the potential Jim win. Liz got cheers! Put that tongue away, Lee. Finally, our chance to boo him. Where's Evander?
The last supper! Nothing will ever beat 'my England, my kryptonite' with Heidi demanding more wine.
Casey's speech: 'Dappy, you have a lot of goodness in your body.' OK. Sam's speech: white noise.
If Ollie really likes Sam, why doesn't he try and get off with her? It's not that hard to do. Just pucker up!
Dappy's speech was cute. I believe he does love everyone there. That was nice what he said to Jim. 
'Follow this shit' is a good point: they need to cast the next Big Brother wisely and capitalise in this one's success. 
Aw, it was Casey. Interesting outfit she's got on. She looks beautiful. No people getting evicted two by two like last year at least. No Janice and Mario shame! No vote closing before the show even starts, hehe!
LOL to Jasmine's face when Casey was talking! What a sourpuss. The eye is open! No one is booing Casey, but they're booing Lee and Jasmine! Good, glad he's getting his abuse at last.
Casey is being charming and lovely. I'm so glad the crowd are backing her. I was expecting the interview to be shorter, too, so I'm glad she got a reasonably decent amount of time. Bit mean of Emma to say go and see your friends and 'fam-LEE' though.
Why is Luisa getting booed tonight. Sam's cheers are quite lacklustre. YES, Sam is out next. That was the right result. I don't like her dress, she looks like Jackie Collins. This interview is going to be SO BORING.
We're timing Sam's interview. It was five minutes long. How come they never mentioned Sam being ill in the whole time she was in there, apart from the boils? I feel a bit sorry for her, because everyone's been so hard on her and maybe she was really sick? I mean, who is entertaining when they're sick? I'm not.
Mind you, illness is no excuse for that interminable fauxmance. She said she'll go Borough Market, but I don't think she'll be up for the Tate. Are we going to have to sit through these 'highlights' again when Ollie goes? Save us!
Jim said he didn't hold hands but he's holding Dappy's hand now. I knew it would be Luisa next somehow. My boyfriend just said, 'who on earth is voting for Ollie? That's a real worry.'
I like the fact Luisa booed the crowd right back. 'Let's talk about sex.' Pathetic eviction song. Luisa's giving her 'no bullshit' speech. It's like a mantra. She kind of reminds me of Rachel Reilly from BBUS in a way, just no filter, doesn't give a fuck, totally herself, obnoxious, entertaining.
Me and James just cried with laughter at 'wouldn't say boo to a ghost'. Ghosts don't mind if you say boo to them! That's the international language of ghosts. I missed most of her interview because we were crying with laughter at that.
Luisa: 'I love Dappy's dick!' They should have asked her what she thought about Evander Holyfield's homophobia.
Dappy is doing the 'I'm next' talk. Ollie's third! What is Ollie wearing, he looks like he's got his dressing gown on. It's got a bow on the back. Aw, sappy Ollie. How does he cope in the world?
I like the way Jim and Dappy are sitting on the couch cuddling. Who'd have thought those two would be there at the end.
This interview is going to suck. I think the word 'nice' has been said about 50 times. 'It's all about Ollie, baby.' Ollie should go, 'At least I beat you, Luisa.' WOULD Ollie say boo to a ghost? Depends what the cue cards say, I guess. Ollie as downgraded his epic London date to 'dinner'.
That meant so much to Dappy, you know. He was desperate to win. I don't think I've ever seen the final two so close, kissing each other and everything, are they gay or what, ha. 'I told you.' Jim look pissed off when he won. I like Dappy's zebra trousers. LOL Tulisa is there.
My boyfriend just pointed out that Dappy did come a close second after all. Dappy's going on about his mum and his dick again. Jim's gonna check out all Dappy's DVDs and videos when he comes out.
Jim and Dappy's fishing show FTW.
Dappy: 'I'm more of a softie than Lee Ryan.' Dappy's interview was too cute. It actually feels like he did go on 'journey' from dickhead to sexist to softie. He actually is 4 Real, in his own way.
I feel NOTHING seeing Jim in the Big Brother house on his own, but it's the same way I felt when Charlotte won six months ago. Goodbye house, goodbye stairs. Compared to watching Tim win Big Brother Australia a few weeks ago, which was magical and moving, this is empty and embarrassing. This is a country-wide humiliation.
As I typed in my final labels, one that came up was 'jim davidson is a cunt.' I clicked on it, and up came this blog by me: http://lightupvirginmary.blogspot.co.uk/2009/04/archives-of-pain-dark-side-of-fame-with.html
In case you're too scared to click, here's a quote from the man himself, about Brian Dowling, two times Big Brother winner: 'He might be gay, poof, shirtlifter, sausage jockey, whatever, it wasn't the fact he was gay, it was the fact he was an arsehole.' These are words from JIM'S MOUTH, you can look up that Piers Morgan show and watch him say it HIMSELF.
OMG, why didn't I find this sooner?! ARGH! That blog ends with the words: 'Jim Davidson; another thing from the 80s to put in the dustbin.' I guess you can't keep a good man down, right?
I also found this one about Hell's Kitchen: http://lightupvirginmary.blogspot.co.uk/2007/09/hells-kitchen-marco-pierre-white.html which isn't even THAT edition of Hell's Kitchen, but I also tagged Lee Ryan in that post, which is peculiar. Was he in that season? People make you doubt your own mind but if I'm calling Jim a sexist, racist wife-beater in 2007, and it's now 2014, it's not like I fucking DREAMT IT. Stop erasing the past already.
I've heard too many people say that housemates should be judged on their time in the house, and largely I agree, but NOT in this case, and NOT when a comment he made, that had 300 complaints, was about the ultimate Big Brother ALL STAR. Don't pretend you like Big Brother, those who voted for him. You didn't do your research and you made a mistake. And you know what? He will fuck up. He won't keep that act up indefinitely. And then I'll be the one like Dappy saying, 'I told you.' You know I will!
I note Emma did not mention Frank Carson's dressing room and him besmirching the name of a dead man. I notice a lot of things, actually. All of them bad. A sad end to a brilliant series. What you gonna tell your daughter?

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The Finale

What is this final countdown show? I like them having all the ex housemates there early! This format is weird, though. Why not just do this bit as part of the main show? Well, let's give it a chance.
Woah, see the way Lauren hit the deck there? She's really wobbly! I'm going to give Lauren and Abz one vote to win each, as I don't really mind who wins out of those two.
Dinner speeches! It can never top Spencer Pratt's crying and Heidi demanding wine. I think that was on the live feed too? That was AMAZING. This. is. not.
Ha, they've dug Ron up! LOL to Emma and Sophie sparring with each other. Back when they were 16! What a pair of cunts they must have been when they lived together. Odious pair.
Danielle is just pathetic. Look at those crappy little cubes they're making them sit on. Set budget: zero pence.
Lauren's hair is looking fabulous tonight! Maybe they got makeovers. God, not another dull slideshow. Turgid.
That's a bit sneaky the way the first vote closed before the 'real' show even began. What if you only tuned in at 9? I note the two groups are sitting on different couches. God, Look at Charlotte's eyeshadow. She looks like Joan Collins.
Here's the main live show. Now I've got a confession to make. I'm broke, but going out for my friends birthday tomorrow, so had to conserve my last £30. But I wanted to have a drink whilst I watched this bullshit, so I went out and bought a Iron Bru WKD for a quid from the shop. I'm going to open it now. It's not too bad actually. I'm sure Charlotte would approve.
So I'm guessing it will be Vicky out first? Why are they booing Lauren? She looks cute. Ooh, I hope it's Mario out first. Oh, it is Vicky. OMG are they evicting them two at a time? Fucked up. Mario looked disappointed to be going. Bet he's even more disappointed to be walking out arm in arm with Janice Battersby. It's like getting evicted with your mum. Not sorry in the SLIGHTEST for him! AND it's pissing it down! Haha, the perfect accessories, Janice and a brolly. Sucks to be you, Mario.
Plus, you don't get to hear your own crowd reaction! You're the victim of someone else's boos/ cheers! What a wash out; literally. Make the show longer, or do more mid week evictions, you wallies. This is unacceptable. Have they done this before?
Ha, the tweenies probably didn't get a chance to vote for Mario before the show started. Funnies. Well, I guess it's hard to be popular when you just see women as body parts. I'm glad Courtney got evicted midweek now as she got her own interview!
My boyfriend is really anti umbrellas, so he'd go mad if someone forced him to carry an umbrella just as he got evicted. And to have your picture taken with it! The shame.
Mario: 'There's so much time in there to fink.' That must be hard when you've got no brain.
The crowd are really rowdy tonight! What are they chanting about? They're too distracting.
This joint interview is shit. Everyone deserves their own interview, even people off TOWIE. If BB can't even be bothered to do that, we might as well give up.
Mario doesn't like people speaking behind each other's backs?! Is he being ironic? He's 'not that sort of person'. I don't think Mario knows what sort of person he is. He doesn't KNOW HIMSELF. If only he could read, he could read my blog and find out.
Oh, at least Emma actually called him up on sitting in a gang with Carol, even if she stopped short of saying he was a bitch (which he was). Janice is talking ALL OVER Mario's interview. Ha.
I'm surprised they didn't give them joint best bits. Oh well, Mario, at least you got the wub wubs. That's all you can ask for. That and Wild by Jessie J, if you're Jack and Joe. I don't even think Mario's good looking. He's got a podgy face and a horrible personality. But... at least he's not Kirk Norcross.
Lauren looks SOOOOOO scared. Aw. Those people chanting 'get Lauren out' should be ashamed of herself. She's done nothing bad! She's shaking like a leaf and they're being nasty. I'm gonna ring up for Lauren again. Fuck those cunts. Hold on, it's probably Big Brother staff doing it to make me vote for Lauren.
Ha, Carol is coming out on her own, so gets the full range of booage. She's officially more loathed than Denise Welch and Colleen Nolan. I didn't think that was possible. She looked a bit shocked to go, I thought.
Was there a 'lot of love out there' for Carol? All I heard was boos.
Carol: 'The feeling in the house was that Abz would go before Mario'. The difference is, Abz is a nice person, Carol. She doesn't get it. She'll never get it. She's rotten.
This is bollocks, Carol 'enjoyed herself' I heard Carol moaning she wanted to leave, I'm sure of it! She moaned NON STOP.
As much as I don't like Charlotte, at least the final three people all have good hearts. Charlotte is playing up to her role, but I don't think she'd do you any wrong. All the nasties: Janice, Carol and Mario went out first, and that's a result.
Carol says about herself that she's 'much nicer than she thought she was.' She must have thought she was a total prick.
Ah, what, Carol's getting wub wubs? Boo!
I see Queen Charlotte can't even be bothered to sit with the other two. Oh, no, Lauren third! How could she compete with their fanbases? She couldn't. She looks pissed off. Hope she doesn't fall down the stairs. Oh the umbrella dude is walking her down. Cute. Lauren is doing a 'I'm working it' face. Aw, bless her.
Lauren was classy in her interview. It felt like she meant it when she said she was happy to be third. Lauren hopes Charlotte or Abz wins it. Who else is there?!
The Lauren and Courtney clips were so sweet. I hope they manage to stay friends. I'd love to see Lauren and Doug hanging out.
Lauren: 'Carol looks like my aunt Jennifer who we don't speak to.' Classic.
Aw, what a shame. But us Big Brother fans are used to this sense of disappointment. And now...
Oh, what, I thought we were going to get the whole thing, but they're breaking it up. I was considering blogging this Celebrity Super Spa but I resent them putting it on in the middle of the Big Brother final, so I'm not going to. I watched a bit of it and it was total shit so I watched Miley Cyrus chatting about smoking spliffs on Alan Carr instead. She seemed much more charming than when she was being 'wholesome'.
I also want to say something about Abz and people comparing him to Sam. Let's clear this up. Sam did nothing except be sexist, tell a couple of childishly amusing jokes and call Dexter a bellend. That was IT, in three months. Abz is quiet, but even in his moments of solitude, he has been consistently entertaining. He's intriguing. He's an enigma. Sam wasn't an enigma. He was ignominious.
And we're back. It's so obvious she's going to win it, because got a zillion Twitter followers. It's not fair, because that shouldn't be why someone wins. What has she done in the house? Pissed herself, flashed her boobs and told someone to suck off a pig. Jade Goody is looking like Princess Di right now.
And we're back. Emma seems incapable of saying the word 'sixth'.
Here we go. At least they're holding hands. Fuck, she won it. Abz is our Dexter. Charlotte is doing a 'Natalie Cassidy giving birth' face. Abz is so magnanimous in defeat. What a trouper.
Abz don't want that brolly. He's in Five! Should have pissed the bed, Abz. You missed a trick there.
Aw, 'my little heart can't take it.' So sweet.
I'm glad Abz said that Lauren should have won it. Charlotte doesn't deserve it. Charlotte deserves shooting.
Abz: 'I've done nothing for the last ten years.' Ha. No. You made a swan apple. His girlfriend is beautiful! He's too cute. He misses his pooches. Abz: 'This chair is incredible.'
Louie shaking under an umbrella looking murderous, and then sticks out his tongue when he sees a camera. Says it all. Ahhhh, Abz is sort of getting wub wubs. Abz deserves wall to wall wub wubs. There's not a person on the planet who could dislike Abz. Even though he talks like THAT.
So. This result makes me want to put a fist through a cake. But if you were in line with popular opinion, wouldn't you hate yourself? Those with taste are doomed to always support the runner up. Otherwise you'd be a One Direction fan.
OMG! What's with the dry ice? Or is something on fire?! LOL. I hope it's Carol McGiffin. Emma couldn't even see Charlotte! Hilarious. Maybe someone let off a grenade. I'm loving seeing all the losers standing in the rain (the celebs, not the crowd).
Charlotte seems to be having a breakdown. The public haven't 'warmed to her', just her idiot fans are in such high numbers she was guaranteed to win it before she even walked in the door.
At least she admits she's not 'ladylike' (the term 'ladylike' is sexist) but I feel like that's part of the act, too. Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet little dimwit, like someone you went to primary school with who hadn't learnt to control their bladder yet, who you were embarrassed of. But that's not something that makes a winner. That's someone to pity.
So, quite a fitting end to the worst series of Celebrity Big Brother ever. A dreadful winner for a dreadful series. Truly diabolical.
Did Emma just say into the camera: 'Thanks for coming out tonight in this awful weather.' No worries, you fucking idiot.
Thanks for bearing with the show, and bearing with me. We might do a wrap up podcast? I'll have to see what mood my boyfriend is in when he sees the result! My guess: displeased.
Thanks for reading. I guess the summer ends here. I need to find something else to blog, probably X Factor live shows. But it's soulless compared to BB! Night night, swan apples.

Big Brother 2013 final: The journey ends here

Just rang up for Dexter three times from my mobile and three times from my burger phone. My boyfriend bet on Dexter at 25/1 when he was drunk (my boyfriend) and his name was dirt (Dexter). He gets £500 if Dexter wins! That's not why I want Dexter to win, btw. But it's an added reason! Because it will keep me in finery! 

Where's Sallie! Probably in the tattoo removal parlour. You think Michael would have shown his moley face. I hate his attitude towards the show, and yes, I know he's an ACTOR. I just think he's a DICK, too. Or perhaps he was just playing a dick? No, he was a dick. It would have been cute for him to show up and they could have slipped him a few quid. He just thinks he's above it all. Well guess what, Michael. The crew still saw you on the toilet. Eat that. No, don't eat it. 

Oh, Charlie, stop trying to fuck with Dexter's head on his LAST DAY. 

Ha, they are showing this bit where Sam kind of confessed he loved Gina. It was VERY interesting on the live feed last night. They've not mentioned it, but he was off his face. Loving Gina without her hair extensions! She looks cute. Why is Gina saying 'we might not see each other again' after tomorrow? Because her boyfriend won't let her? She actually dealt with him quite nicely on the live feed. To be fair, he was so sick, he was throwing up. I think he was trying to pay her a compliment. It just went a bit wrong. People going 'he's a game player' because of that are out of their minds. It was probably his most honest and interesting moment.

Slide show! They've really pushed the boat out. Can't they show them some clips instead? UGH, there's moley Michael. 

Oh God, they're kicking someone out already. Please let it be Charlie or Sam (or the twins, to be honest). Gina's roots look a bit orange. If I went to the hairdresser and came out with roots like that I would be BATHING in purple toner. Who did their hair? Is Lee Stafford to blame? Surely not. He has a good range of products for blondes (sponsor my podcast if you like, Lee).Couldn't someone have sorted Charlie's two tone disaster out? It's begging to be one colour! 

Ha, were they chanting 'get Charlie out'! In the final! Cruel. And she's out. Oh I think she HAS had her hair done. But it looks the same?!

Charlie, it was NOT a love triangle. I hate the fact she's slating Dexter at the last minute. Maybe she is right about Dexter, though. I mean, artificial insemination? Maybe he IS gay. Who cares, though! Dexter is entertainmentz. Dexter is Exitainmentz! 

Get off the stage, Charlie. You're boring. Charlie wants to see Sam win. Zzzz. How can she say that when she's spent every second with Dexter lately?! Did Dexter say Charlie was 'stylish' in that clip? That's the funniest thing I've heard all night.

Gina and the twins wedged on that little sofa. LOL.

Oh God, next one out! Jack and Joe! Yes! They didn't look shocked. That cunt crowd shouting 'Get Dexter out.' Boooooo! 

Gina looks like she's pissed herself. She's got a massive stain up the back of her dress. Jack and Joe's pointing pose was the lols. 'You raise me up'? I thought they asked for Jessie J's 'Wild'! (However that goes). Sack someone!  

I just accidentally voted for Dexter another three times. I want him to win it so much! He's clicking his pen, bless him. Hold on, why has Dexter got a pen in there? You're not allowed pens in Big Brother! Gameplanner, etc. Oh, someone said it's a keyring. 

I am sooooooo peed off they're putting on this dome jizz in the middle of BB, even if it does have Hank in it. I do want to watch that show but NOT tonight. I want to watch the BB final and not go to bed at 1am! 

I have warmed to the twins... oh, until they started slagging off Dexter. They've gone all sassy! Boo. I was right about them all along. Not liking 'deep conversations' is PATHETIC. Charlie's conversations are not deep, though. They're just drivel. 

The twins slag off Dexter AGAIN! They are so bugging! Lower your tone and strengthen your comedy routine. It needs a LOT of work. At least they didn't mention food in their interview, or did they? 

HA, Emma saying 'they are really nice boys.' Put a sock in it, Emma. 

None of the three finalists sitting together! Shocking. Can't believe the negative chants for Dexter. Arseholes.

OM-Gina! Gina is third! Gina didn't look shocked to leave, either. It was Hazel that did for her and it serves her right. Calling Hazel a 'whore' was the last straw. She was swanning round like she owns the place. Gina is getting boos, too. 

Gina was so lucky to survive that first week. Ha, Emma mentioned her washing up a cup. I'm glad Gina didn't win. But I wish she'd come second. She deserves it over Sam and then some. Still slating Hazel! Tragic. I hope Hazel gives her a slap at the after party. You could have been one of the best winners, ever, Gina.  

I can't see Dexter and Sam holding hands in the final minutes, can you? 

Ha, Gina 'everyone knew' about Sam saying he had a crush on her. I thought she was quite dismissive of him.

I think it's so cruel to make Sam and Dexter sit there waiting for an hour whilst they show some Stephen King drama. It's like putting on the Langoliers in the middle of a football match. I mean, I will watch the show, but I'm not going to be forced to watch it now. Motherfuckers. 

God, we really need this £500, you know, we're brass. (Notice I've claimed half already) If Sam wins, I'm probably going to cry.

Honestly, it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE trying to avoid spoilers! So many people are going to have this ruined for them. I think it's especially ironic after a couple of years ago they dumped the live feed and said people preferred to get updates via social media. Well if people prefer to get updates via social media tonight then the show is going to be ruined for them. It shows a complete lack of respect for the fans and for the show. I find it offensive. Also, by the time they get on BOTS they'll have been chilling for half an hour. I prefer my housemates like rabbits in the headlights, don't know about you.

And we're back. I've got a really bad feeling about this. Really bad. As they say in the Big Brother house, I'm not gonna lie. I'm shitting myself. The public have made the wrong decision so many times. Denise. Ulrika. Paddy. And that's just the celeb series. 

I can't believe they're plugging their hashtag. Arseholes! Do not type that hashtag into Twitter. I bet literally thousands of people were spoilerised tonight. Thanks C5. It's a shame as it's been a great series, and it's a cheap and tacky way to end it.

Dexter vs Sam. Damn. Why do I feel like I'm going to be saying that in a minute?

I feel sick. Dexter's not got his Tuco shoes on. Boo! They both look like they're gonna crap themselves. 

Oh no. Oh no, Sam did it. FUCK! I'm so sad. I am seriously so sad. And not just about the money. It's just an injustice. 

Aw, Dexter was too cute going 'thank you so much.' The twins sour faces! Fuck them. I wonder how close it was. Ha to people going ssssssss at Dexter.

Look at the way he's sitting in that chair. Such a badass. This is SUCH a disappointment. Probably the most disappointing winner ever. 

We missed out on Dexter's face. I missed out on champagne. This is just the worst. My boyfriend is going to kick something! So much for the journey! Dexter missed his stop. 

I feel like I'm going to puke. I honestly don't want to watch this. Sucks soooooo bad. I don't know how Emma can maintain the rictus grin. 

I can't even understand what he's fucking SAYING! Did Sam's rubbish jokes win it for him? Or was it his casual sexism? They didn't mention Jemima in his interview, I notice. 

I just broke the news to my boyfriend over the phone that he lost his bet. His response? 'We'll have to go and do some crime instead.' I actually cried as I was telling him. So close. Sooooo close. That was like telling him someone had died. Someone we weren't that close to, but even so. 

I'm going to think of Sam when on my days off this week and I'm drinking own brand redbull and Glenn's vodka instead of CHAMPAGNE. You BASTARD! 

PS: No podcast tonight as he's working, but we'll do a sad little wrap up along with the CBB launch show. See you then! It's been emotional. 

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: The final - 'he's not very evolved'

Lol at the crowd going 'whoop whoop': enough said. That was passe back when CD:UK was on.
Six is rather a lot for a final, no? They're going to have to rattle through housemates like Julie rattles through fags. The interviews are going to be about 30 seconds long. Mind you, in Ashley's case that would be a blessing, bruv.
Jasmine! How we've missed your scrawny evilness. I hope Rhian's got a knife in her cleavage. Danica looks good. Julie's smoking a fag, lol. It's like Jasmine all over again, but aged about... er, 10 years.
I hate these final dinners they do, with all the speeches and BS.
How can Martin show he's a 'dad' in the house when his kids aren't in there? Ashley 'will be shocked if he wins'. He and I both.
Do you reckon Harvey actually thinks he can win it? I do. I'd love to see him hoofed out first. Him or his idiot lapdog.
Ashley attempts to read one sentence of a card. Fails. 
Martin is FULLY expecting to win it. FULLY. I want to see his puckered little mouth when Julian wins.
'Power does go to your head and we enjoyed every minute of it.' says Martin about being evil.
I like the fact Julian thinks hanging out with hetrosexual men is weird.
That was actually quite nice what Harvey said about Ashley: 'I fell in love with the kid.' That was the first time warmed to him in about two weeks.
I like seeing The Situation all humble and normal. There's something grounding about it. Didn't Jersey Shore get axed?
Here we go! Yeah, Harvey SO deserves that big cheer. Has his butthole surfing been forgotten so soon?
Harvey out first! So much for the big cheer, then. Crowd 100% wrong as usual. They should have given him 21 seconds to go. I know: I'm hilarious. WTF is this song? Tis a din.
Ok so we're timing the interviews to see if anyone gets particularly jibbed - probably the winner.
Brian Dowling looks like Eaamon Holmes off to a charity gala. Yeah people have seen what you're like, Harvey, a bellend.
Brian: 'you're used to ladies screaming.' Yes, at knifepoint. We did get to see enough of you: including your bum bum.
Harvey: 'Prince is in MY country. Respect my country.' I didn't know Harvey was the fucking Queen, now? Is he working at passport control? Respect Harvey; respect England. Why are they STILL trying to get housemates to slag off Danica even now?
So Brian tried to get Harvey to look at his own morality but Harvey either misunderstood the question or was too stupid to understand. Nicely dodged.
Ashley aint going to win a gold in Rio in 4 years; not if he keeps smoking like that. Harvey made mistakes so we don't have to, like Louise Mensch. Kind of him. He actually came over OK in that interview, but he's really judgmental. I'm over him.
OK, so Harvey got an 8 minute interview. Not bad, really.
Ashley looks like Peter Andre tonight. Except for when he turned into a swimming pool briefly. And then into Coleen. Technical troubles. Ashley out next. Perfect. See, we've never had an opportunity to evict them before; now we have, they're goners. Not much to be proud of, really. He looks a bit gutted. Good. Never mind, he's used to losing.
Let's see Brian call Ashley out on the pathetic and immature way he treated Rhian. Go on, Brian. Don't let us down, now.
Must be nice to be a man and just get love 'from the crowd' no matter how revolting your behaviour.
I think Brian's said 'lovely' about 500 times. He's NOT lovely. He's a sexist little knob. Also, you weren't friends with Sitch since day 1. He was too busy trying to get in Danica's knick-knocks.
Here's EVIDENCE of his bullying and bad behaviour in these clips! 'That stops there'. YOU don't decide that.
I am sighing through this whole bromance thing. At least we get all this tripe out of the way at the beginning. Why don't you snog if you like each other than much, you little muppets.
If that's what Samantha Brick thinks is 'inspirational' it's no wonder she's thinks a husband who looks like something off The Walking Dead.
Ashley got 8 minutes, too. Next!
I think it will be Sitch out next. And he WAS. And he looked shocked. HA. So much for his 4 million Twitter followers. It's not sunny out! Take your glasses off, douchemobile! I think he's smuggling seeds in those cheeks, he looks like a hamster.
Sitch gave his glasses and jacket to the crowd, that's nice. *EBAY*. I like Sitch, though, despite myself. There's just something a bit loveable about him. Another interview all about Danica.
'She was the first one I saw' - nice. He just went proper Jersey then. I've never heard him speak like that in the house. 'Do you think Danica soured your relationship with the Prince?' Do you think Danica is responsible for civil unrest? Do you think Danica was a key player in the London riots? Do you think Danica has lizard blood? Give it a rest!
Can't believe Julie didn't laugh at 'gangsta momma'. They should have all the ex housemates with mics on as they watch the interviews. Sitch on the naughty step: his sole best bit. Occasional table!
Sitch got 8 mins, too. They do give them fair interviews. Who knew? Well that's HAM canned.
Why is Coleen getting booed?! Pathetic. She's got to be out next. OMG it's Martin. LOL. That Loose Woman loyalty is STRONG, man. Can you imagine if they actually put a decent loose woman in there like Carol McGiffin?
Martin - third. Haha. The smug has been smooshed. Fucking hell, they call Danica out for rinsing; they're rinsing us for cash at every fucking turn. Hypocrites.
Martin is looking quite 'gold'. My boyfriend just said 'no escaping gravity' which is quite cruel. I think he looks very good for his age, what is he, 60? NO, just kidding, he looks good.
'Most charming housemate'? There's a fine line line between charming and smarmy.
Did you think you'd make it to the final? 'Not at all!' You liar, you said different two days ago.
Why is Brian not telling him who nominated him, he told other people. He's also letting him off the hook for his soft nominations.
Don't talk 'gameplans' in interviews, Martin, it's not British. I did like his acting of 'Gold' in the task. I think it was the e-cigarette that did for him. He over-egged it.
Martin got 8 mins too! We're debunking ALL the conspiracy theories.
OMG I'll be soooo disappointed if Coleen wins. Surely EVERYONE wants Julian to win. The final two shows how at odds the crowd and the 'demographic' they're aiming for is with the people who actually vote: ie. people my age. Will they ever get it? Ever?
YES! I'm so glad Julian won and Coleen looked genuinely happy for him, and he looked over the moon. He's shaking! I didn't think it would mean so much to him, especially with him being quite glib at the start, but it seems to mean everything to him now. I hope his career gets a boost now.
Coleen looks nice. I think she's scrubbed up lovely. I'm glad she got runner up, as one in the eye to Julie and Martin both. I think it's fair to say she won the war against Julie by a mile. What do you think Shane Richie makes of it all? He's probably put on Madness to celebrate.
I love seeing Julian all wobbly in the background as Coleen is being interviewed.
THIS is the impact of that pie in Julie's face. That wasn't. Coleen was right about Julie from the start so fair play to her, because I was fooled. But Coleen wouldn't have got as far without her row with Julie.
I wish I had such a romantic story of meeting my boyfriend as 'we met in a bar and I thought he was a dick.'
Coleen's interview: 8 minutes. This is no fun, is it? Her best bit was the QVC shopping task with Julian.
Does the celebrity winner get any dosh? My boyfriend thinks they get the 100K! No way.
Aw, Julian looks cute. His make up looks good. A worthy winner!
Those fireworks are crazy! I think they put on extra just because he said he didn't want them. Julian's in shock.
Julian: 'what is my mother going to say?' I think he's forgotten his pre-planned speech.
Sexual innuendo count: only 1!
Julian is so cool. I'd like to be friends with him. That bit with Julie was cute and she looked thrilled. I'm glad he's unapologetic about their friendship.
Julian on Sitch: 'he's not very evolved'. LOL. Apologising for not being constantly filthy was funny, too. And plugging his tour, too! Nice.
So Julian got 8 mins too. Surely the winner should get longer.
Ha, when he went in and met Sitch and said 'what's your function?' To be an 'occasional table' apparently.
Looks like the 'emotional cold fish' won it, Samantha Brick, you warty old bat.
So justice was finally done, and now I can concentrate on what's important: BBUS. Listen to my podcast which will be up after BOTS (ie. we're doing it instead of BOTS)! I'm pissed, so might say something intelligent.

The Apprentice: The Final

Two blogs in a row! I should be getting paid for this shit.
Look at Helen's limp hair. No wonder she always has it in a bun. Jim's crab eyes are on overdrive. Alan won't choose him, Alan doesn't like him. He could go wild and choose Susan, I suppose, but I suspect it's going to be between Helen and Tom.
I hate the interview parts! I'm glad they've shaken up the format though, it needed it. This first interviewer is the biggest cock. As if someone writes things in their CV to suggest they're floundering.
Cliches, buzz words and blarney! Jim looks like he wasn't to punch that dude in the face but had to swallow it. He'll probably go and punch a mirror later.
Even thought Susan is rubbish I can't help liking her a bit.
Jim's pony analogies were quite funny. It's that sort of shit that got him on the show, though. I don't think Jim knows what a cliche is. That's just his vernacular.
Tom's business plan sounds rubbish. Chairs are boring. Still, Tom to win!
Helen could look better as well as be more likeable if she only loosened up a bit. I think she feels to 'be successful in business' you have to be this sewn up, straight serious thing. You can be in business and still be pretty, relaxed and fun (or quirky, like Tom). Her business plan is being destroyed as well. She doesn't need the contacts, though, but Alan would have them if she went into partnership with him.
LOL to Susan admitting she paid her staff in cash and avoided the taxman. Whoops. She's probably going to get arrested on the way out.
If it was an arse-kissing competition, Jim could walk away with the sash right now.
Helen it is super creepy to say that work is more important that your social and personal life. YOU ARE A ROBOT. That joke thing was bad.
That Mark dude being sexist about his wife! Arsehole. No wonder he can smell bullshit, he's probably bathing in it. I think Susan is doing well up against him.
That guy is mean making fun of Jim's salary.
I like Margaret's jazzy boardroom jacket. Karren must be under pressure with her staring her out.
Bit rich of them to moan at Jim for cliches and then that Mark dude goes 'it's like trying to nail custard to the ceiling'.
I think he's going to pick Tom. it's not his fault he didn't mention chairs, he's dyslexic. Please pick Tom!
Doesn't seem like Alan likes any of these business plans! Who's he going to let hitch their apple wagon to his star? I liked it when Jim accidentally called him Sugar. Sugar tits!
Bye Jim. That writing was on that wall long ago. Susan understands that she didn't understand. Bless her. Alan wanted to get into the cosmetic industry? Who knew? Which part?!
Why are they filming up Helen's nose like that? I hope if she loses she pulls that bun off and does an evil cackle. Stick your second business plan, Helen. You had your chance.
Yay, Tom spoke up. Tom's hand wrapped parcel: match point.
Tom wonned it! I couldn't be happier. Helen had nothing left at the end. Right, can I go get on with my life now?

The Apprentice: When I hit the bottle

I couldn't be less interested in a final that contains Stella and Chris, but obviously Stella to win, because Chris is a snotty-nosed little prick. Still, Lord Sugar has thrown us some curveballs this season, so anything could happen. Except something interesting.
Why do they do that thing where they pick the team like at school! Cruel. I was always second-last to be picked (luckily there was a fat girl with a limp who suffered the final indignity).
Alcohol task! My boyfriend just suggested 'red bull, vodka and tequila and stick in in a great big can'.
Blue bourbon. Blue is gay? No, pink is gay. 'I don't like carrying around drinks that are brightly coloured.' Oh, how macho of you.
Honey and spice drink should be called 'Buzzing'. WHERE IS BAGGSY? Can't believe he's not on it. ANGRY.
Urban bourbon. Apparently a 'genius' suggestion. My friend has suggested 'turban bourbon' instead. Not sure why. We think the bottle should be in the shape of a shopping trolley, a gun or a skyscraper.
I didn't know blokes were so touchy about the colour of the drink they drink. Drinkist! Is Liz sabotaging Chris? Good! URBON!
Immoderate drinking! What's that, getting sloshed? Buzzkill.
Why are they always trying to make their adverts like soft porn? No sex! No smoking! Man, why are they trying to fence him in like that? Wankers. Just let Chris make that advert a big drug orgy.
LOL to the Prism bottle! It looks like deodorant. Should have thought inside that box instead. It looks like robot deodorant from 80s sci-fi film.
They didn't even seem to taste either of them- is it all about how it looks? Oh no, that guy just tasted it and didn't look too impressed.
I think they should rename Prism 'Jizzum'. That advert for Urbon was the lolz.
Stella's voice is like nails down a blackboard. She's still got more charm than Chris could ever dream of. And she's got none.
The new Apprentice's job will be to invent something to taste over the phone. It'd save pizza delivery drivers going out in the snow, anyway.
Here's how the new apprentice should be decided. Stella and Chris should go outside, down their own bottles, and see who's the last one standing. I think that would be a fair fight.
Chris always sounds like he's about to go 'it's not fair!' Stell, you're hired. Chris: 'It's not fair!' Go tidy your room, Chris.
I'm not watching that bit after presented by sub-Adrian Chiles. You can't make me! Goodbye.

The X Factor: In this Matt-rix

What is the X Factor without Cher? Bland.
I like the way the contestants are posing like they're a character to pick in a beat-em-up computer game.
Why is Robbie Williams on my screen two nights in a row? Unacceptable. I didn't know they ever gave lisping Howard Donald a line in Take That songs. Jason Orange always looks the coolest one. Mark Owen can fuck off, the little rat. I don't care if he did win Celeb Big Brother.
Matt: 'do you ever feel like a plastic bag?' WTF. What the hell are these fucking songs? Oh it's Firework! LOL. He's singing it better than Katy Perry did. Shame he looks like half a banana. This song strikes me as quite hard to sing. Why do they give Matt totally unsuitable songs like this to sing? Why don't they give him The Killers or something.
Louis to Matt: 'you've been paying your dues for 17 years.' What, since he was 10? Matt was on first I notice, maybe Simon is really keen for One Direction to get it.
Where are the Christmas songs? Where are the winner's singles? Something doesn't feel right this week. Also, all the songs are by people who've been on the show, or judged on the show. Boo.
Why has Tina from Corrie got so much make-up on? She looks radioactive.
Rebecca's doing the Eurythmics. Great. So current. Rebecca looks like an elegant statue. I would love for her to beat Matt. I don't think it's gonna happen, though.
This bit where they get the auditionees to sing is dire. It;s also a bit unsettling to see that young prostitute in her pants as part of family entertainment.
Shiiiiiit they are dragging this out. LOL One Direction are out! That'll stop that screaming. Rebecca FTW.
Rebecca got through even with the Christina kiss of death. Nice one.
One Direction look like sad puppies being led off to slaughter. I think they talked them up too much. I want to see the room of One Direction fans all looking despondent.
Matt's winner's song: 'a broken fairytale'- yeah, for One Direction. This song is fucking awful. Rebecca could win it if she has a better song. Oh just fuck off Matt, you sweaty old creep. OMG that song blows so bad. What were they thinking? I had learnt all the words by the third chorus, though.
Rebecca's song is better than Matt's but it's still pretty dreary. Oh God, I so hope she gets it.
My boyfriend just saw Christina Aguilera for the first time and went 'Fuck, what happened?'
Take That: haven't we already heard this dirge before?
Ugh, Matt won it. I give it six months before he's slagging off Simon Cowell and going back to his band.
I'm glad Dannii's happy, I like Dannii. But that's about it. I feel empty. EMPTY.

American Idol: The Final

Well, what do you know? The right two went through to the final and pretty-boy Barbie Casey James was sent on his way, probably off to advertise T-shirts or something. So we can't see an injustice like last year, when slack-jawed monkey-face inexplicably beat the dazzling Adam Lambert. I genuinely like both Lee and Crystal. I suppose Crystal deserves to win, for her raw talent. But Lee has a really good voice. I like it when he goes a bit flat and gets away with it. Oh Christ, are they singing songs they've sung before? That's such a cop out. There's enough songs in the world that they could learn a new one.
Ooh second round Lee is doing Everybody Hurts. It sounds a bit... grating. And there was a Stars in Your Eyes ending (just repeat title very fast). Is Crystal going to walk this? I think Lee IS nervous. And who wouldn't be up against Crystal? But does any of it really matter anyway? Even the runners up make buckets out of the show over there. If Chico had been on Idol he'd be on his fourth album by now.
Not sure who put Crystal in that dress for Black Velvet, but they must REALLY like Lee DeWyze. She is a little frumpy, but who gives a fuck? She's walking this thing, and rightly so.
And it's Simon's last Idol. What does this mean for the show? Surely it's all over. I can't see how it could survive without him, and with the competition of the X Factor USA. Ryan must be quaking in his loafers. No wonder he's been such a tool all series.
So what song will they give them as the single? This is always the test of who they want to actually win. It's mildly offensive to make them sing a cover when they are obviously both decent songwriters themselves.
Urgh Lee sounds flat on this U2 song too (and not in the good way). This is probably only U2 song I can halfway bear. Aw he looks like he's going to cry. I'm not surprised. He's getting trounced. But this is Idol. The voters could vote the wrong way. I wouldn't put it past them.
I don't know what this song is that Crystal is singing. I feel sad for Randy. I don't want him to be cast asunder on the wasteland of Idol.
I liked Crystal humbly wishing Simon luck on his future endeavours. I liked her bad jokes that no one was laughing at. She just seems like a decent person. And it didn't even seem close tonight.
OK, 2nd show. How can they string this out for two hours? I admire their gall. Why have they dressed them up like schoolkids? Creepy!
OMG Alice Cooper. OMG monkey-face. Come back and finish the job, Adam Lambert.
Medley mania. Fast forward.
Ricky Gervais has gone the same way in my mind as Russell Brand; sold to an audience that doesn't understand him, losing all credibility. I'm sure they're both gutted they've lost my respect.
Oh Christ, Alanis Morrisette singing 'You Oughta Know' with Crystal! It's like karaoke night. Please, let me never hear this song again. Ever.
Wow, that Ford advert was really moving. Brought a tear to my eye.
I hope Simon gives Paula a job on X Factor. I didn't miss her until she'd gone.
All this Simon eulogising is a bit much. I feel like the Queen's died.
Wow, Kelly Clarkson looks 40! Will we ever find out this blasted result?
Here's the official envelope! Bring it. OH MY GOD. AGAIN! AGAIN AMERICA YOU DISAPPOINT ME. PATHETIC.
If you're a white, straight man, it doesn't matter. It's in the bag. Crystal, go and release your own music. Simon doesn't deserve your proceeds.
Lee, you should be singing Lemon by U2. Crystal woz robbed.

Big Brother 10: The Final: You Fat Whinging Cunt

I'm drinking for a first time in a month! Here's a toast to the tonsils; evicted from my throat.
Couldn't blog last night as my computer died; thank god it wasn't tonight, I'd have cried! Yes Siavash did lay it on a bit thick but I'm still backing him or Roddy for the win. Fuck you Sophie, you don't deserve it, a vote for you is a vote for Kris! (actually I like Sophie, but come on, she aint our winner).
Siavash is doing his Jesus act again. BB has got strict! I've never known anyone threaten to leave on the penultimate night!
Will Charlie's speech mention his mam? See the way he whipped her out yesterday whilst declaring himself most deserving to win? What a tool.
Sophie's hair has grown back! Magic. Mmm, Rodrigo looks hot in purple. And sexy crying!
I voted for Siavash and Roddy. My boyfriend recommends a nuclear vote that costs a fiver and takes ten votes off Charlie. Score!
WTF is Angel wearing?! That girl is batshit crazy. Yay, Sree! Go fuck yourself, Kris.
Noirin is single! LOL. FRIENDS!
In another world Marcus and Lisa would be lovers! Big up Digital Spy!
OMG Rodrigo out 5th! That's not right. I'm shocked! Fucked off Charlie beat him. Look at his outfit! Aw. Love Rodrigo. He should have been top two!
Yay, no psychologists or guests. Pure BB style. Oh dear. She's turned up via proxy.
CHARLIE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEATEN RODDY. BOO.
God, DAVID beat Rodrigo. WTF! He was sweet in his interview, pretending he doesn't love Charlie. That video from his family was ace. SOB!
CHARLIE'S OUT! YES! Beaten by David! Eat it, eat it! SO glad Siavash beat him. So un-glad HE beat Rodrigo.
Despite his 'yes/ yes/ yes' there was definitely a bit of gutted behind the eyes then.
Charlie- one dimensional nice guy! I.e. cunt. Siavash cheated on his girlfriend and beat you, LOL. Me mam, me mam. Blah. Big Brother saved his mum's life.
Charlie's interview was loads shorter than Roddy's. GOOD! You are the weakest link; goodbye.
David in third! HOW?! How did he get more votes than Roddy and Charlie?!
What is Judy James wearing? Even Siavash would balk at it.
I hate the speculation about Sophie's weight, but GOD she looked skinny at the beginning. I like her better plump and drunk, though. I liked the way she let herself go, it felt real.
I like the fact Siavash and Sophie are left; they've always been loyal to each other. Liked Siavash giving David a big smack on the choppers too, I like how comfortable he is with his sexuality, it's really, really refreshing.
There goes David and his seatbelts, shouting and sweaty! David is YOUNGER THAN ME! How!?!?!!
David went in there with an open book; he's worst than Honey off of Eastenders (Perry Fenwick- LOL!)
He DID do well to come third; but I think it was more accident than design.
David about Robbie Williams; 'has he come out?' Hahaha.
'Fat whinging cunt' in the highlights!!! LOLLLLLLLS! Marcus to win! Oh...!
OMG Sophie won. She looked shocked. I do believe Siavash was happy for her though. I wonder what the percentage was?
Sophie owes him ten grand for wearing that shit out of the house.
Aw Noirin shame. HOODIE!!! Pine. Pine. Pine. Friends. Friends. Friends. Have fun.
Convenient that Siavash has lost his voice! See Noirin laughing!
Look at all the power Siavash had when he first went in! That house ground him down. Siavash looked good as the rabbit.
FUCK Sophie got 74.4% of the vote! Gosh. I can't resent her as a winner. She's better than Rachel.
I liked the sketch with Rodrigo and Sophie; they are so cute together. I don't understand how Roddy came 5th and she came 1st. He was a lot more multi-faceted than her.
Well done, Dogface. It's good girls voted for you, I guess.
I kinda like that song off that advert. I did cry a tiny bit.
Liked it when they panned past Marcus and he said 'Get fucked'.
Sophie what you gonna spend your cash on? New boobs and new hair. And crack for chihuahuas.
Shall I say a word or two about Big Mouth? Why not. My blog has been a bit shit despite my drinking. Davina looks like crap.
It's weird they are doing their own catchphrases already (Shut up/ absolutely brilliant). David chose Lisa over Vivienne.
I love Grace Dent! Roddy should have won. I still can't work out how he came 5th.
Why is Bob calling Siavash Sheavash?! Siavash is getting roasted on BBLB. He came SECOND, you spazzes.
Basshunter! Has a vocoder installed in his throat. And Brian Belo nuzzled Sophie's boobies! Outrageous.
So that's all folks. Hopefully there'll be some good shit on this autumn about brain tumours, eating disorders and sex changes.
And I'll review a couple of gigs and albums. Stay with me. It's still better than going out.

American Idol: Feet Don't Fail Me Now

*Spoiler! Do not read this if you do not want to know the result!!!*
I spent the entire DAY avoiding Facebook, Twitter and Google in case I saw the result. Although I haven't blogged it much due to me generally being late watching it, I have absolutely LOVED this series of American Idol, mainly due to Adam Lambert (aka Feet Wentz). I didn't like the cut of his jib at first, but he has an extraordinarily good voice, and you don't hear me say that about reality show contestants very often. Obviously if he releases an album it will be shit, but I'd rather he had the cash than dull monkey-boy Kris Allen. What is he even doing in the final? It should be Katona-lite. Sexism!
Randy was looking quite natty tonight in his tweed. Paula looked like she'd had an accident at the Orangina bottling plant. Simon forgot to do his shirt up.
Why do they sing the same songs again? It's a swizz! I don't think Adam did Mad World that well the first time, he shoulda done Ring of Fire again. He looked cute in his flasher mac. And lovely teeth n all.
I think Aint No Sunshine is a good song for Kris Allen. But he's still sub-standard. Simon is teasing us! He can't really think Kris is better.
Didn't like Adam's suit or second song much. I like that guy who plays electric guitar though, he's cool. Ooh the judges seemed to like it, though. Why??? Simon Fuller's song choices blow!
The winner's single always reveals who they REALLY want to win. Adam sounded like a woman! Which is good, obviously. The song was shitty though, but it will still sell by the skip-full. Randy: Adam is not pitchy!
Fuck, I thought Kris sounded better on the single! Boo. I can't bear to look at his chimp-face no more, mountains or otherwise. That chin is getting out of hand.
It took me several hours to download but I just watched the result; I hope you've got a lot of patience because they sure do like dragging that shit out. They dug up Fergie, Cindi Lauper, Rod Stewart, Brian May... it was an aural tyranny!
Weren't Adam's wings nice? It was very Brandon Flowers/ Patrick Wolf-esque. And the platforms too. Did you notice he busted out the glitter eyeliner once all the votes were in! I never knew he was gay before (ahem).
And then; and then. I just can't believe the result. I was honestly stunned. I did not think Kris could win it for a second. The only good thing I can say about it is that Adam doesn't have to release that turgid single and he can go get a band together or something. He is so phenomenally good compared to Kris Allen it is actually pitiful how stupid and backwards the result is. 100 million votes? These people aren't fit to be left in charge of a phone! Perhaps it was that dog who accidentally rang 999 taking over the entire United States switchboard, that's the only explanation I can think of.
I still enjoyed the show untold amounts. But honestly. Adam was just brilliant. Justice has not been done. I demand to know figures, see vote counts, and if necessary, have Kris Allen killed.
Now I really need to go to bed.