Top of the Pops

Welcome to the lowlight of your Christmas, my TOTP blog. And I've got James here with me for once to add his own brand of bile. It's really hard to write a blog on a phone so take heed and pity me, for suffering in more ways than one.
I have never heard this Take That song before, but we both agree the brand is not working as a three. Everyone wants a (Jason) Orange in their stocking. Why not get a new member? James Corden seemed up for it on the Gogglebox repeats - sorry, highlights - last night. James says he feels something about the way Gary sings feels patronising. If you're feeling patronised by Gary Barlow in a Christmas jumper, you're probably not at your mental best.
Who the fuck are Gorgon City? Isn't that a brand of cheese? Oh no, that's gorgonzola and Cathedral City. Is this dubstep? James; 'There's a rent a raver down the front.' James is convinced they film this TOTP in July and then just CGI Ben Haenow in at the end.
James: 'When's Florence on?' I think she's reanimating in her oxygen chamber, I've not seen her for at least a year.
Up next, Schmuck. Spelt Sigma. Isn't that some X Factor reject? Oh it's like drum and bass or something. They've half got the washing machine but not quite. Come back Ed Sheeran, all is forgiven. Not really, fuck off.
I'm not mentioning Fearne and Reggie this year as they're beneath contempt.
Next up is The Vamps, a 'youtube sensation'; like Frankie Grande but less likeable. James says they look like they might be playing in a bar in the background in The Knick. If that's not funny, direct your complaints to him as I don't watch it. Jingle Bells is not a valid Christmas cover version. This is endless. There's only one fucking verse to Jingle Bells, you cunts!
Fearne likes Foo Fighters, or her autocue says she does. Well, someone has to. I have never heard any of these songs that have been out this year, thank fuck. Yet still I want to punch Sam Smith in the chops.
James: 'Fresh from making computers, it's Tom O'Dell.' Who's this miserable sod? Bring back the garage. Bring back Pharrell. James says, 'Bring back Jingle Bells.' This is a song for those who started drinking port too early on Christmas and are crying already.
McBusted. My mum's favourite. I had to buy her their CD for Christmas. I'm not even joking. Do you know how that's going to screw up my recommendations on Amazon? Disgusting. This is anti-awesome. We think might have just heard the lyrics 'More range than Brian May.' Still I suppose it's cheaper to smash up a 'air guitar' than a real one not one of the pricks can play anyway. I hope the missing one with the eyebrows is having a lie in.
Next in the aural torture chamber is Coldplay. Who'd have thought the man who wrote the beautiful The Scientist could follow that with literally hundreds of duff, samey s-hits that make you want to consciously uncouple with your own eardrums. Just stop. Stop it now, just like the sex offenders charity. Also, stop wasting paper. That confetti is murders to clear up.
One thing I will say in Fearne and Reggie's defence, they're not incessantly telling me what's coming up next for once. Probably because everyone's turned off in previous years when they did.
Next up is Rixston. Me and James simultaneously: 'who?' James: 'These people all look privately educated. How do people know the words to this song? They must play it to them in the queue.' The singer looks like Shane Ritchie.
Next up, Jeff Probst from Survivor. Oh no, it's Mr Probz. This is the worst yet. I prefer Mr Oizo.This is a new low, even worse than that twit on the piano.
The next person 'had people literally pouring out of his tent at Glastonbury' - yep, running for the nearest Herbal Highs stand, no doubt. George Ezra? Pigeon toed twat. Knock-kneed gnat. I think he just sang a line about Gordon Brown. James is becoming hysterical, and not in a good way. We're praying to be called for dinner right now.
James says there's a lot of 'sub UB40 stuff out at the moment.' Just stop and consider that sentence. Sub UB40. Fuck.
Next up is Ella Henderson. I've not heard this much but it sounds like it's off an advert. Her mouth gets on my nerves. I know that's not her fault, but there it is. James is nodding his head to this one, it's his second favourite after Take That.
My mum has just come in to express her disgust at at Matt Willis. She said 'He takes over the whole band. Talk about ruining a good group.' Hold on, I just bought you their CD, I say. She goes, 'I like to listen to them but I couldn't watch a DVD with them on now. I don't know how Emma Willis puts up with him.' Fair comment, but he had to put up with her misogyny and bias so it's swings and roundabouts. No point trying to explain that to my mum, though.
'Ed Sheeran, your favourite!' I went to James. My mum failed to detect the sarcasm and said 'I knew gingers would have their day.' Ed Sheeran has not even got a nice voice. It sounds whiny. I didn't look up once when he was on. Offensive to all senses.
Who are Clean Bandit? Sounds like Mr Muscle. My mum is not impressed. But she has got a large glass of Baileys. I've not even had a drink yet. God knows I need one.
My mum is looking at the CD cover for her McBusted CD now. I said, 'Sorry, I should have crossed out Matt Willis's face for you' and she goes, 'Dont worry, I can do that', quick as you like, followed by 'He's gross.'
Haenow now. I've heard from a reliable source that he wasn't even a van driver. Honestly. How will the pop lizards try and pull the wool over our eyes next? Why wasn't he there in the studio? Could they not afford the CGI? Poor sod, he'll never get to be on TOTP now. His career will be over by next Christmas.
I asked my mum to sum up that TOTP in one words. She said, crap. On that note, I wish you a merry Christmas, JLS style. Have a good one.

Christmas Top of the Pops 2010

I did this last year, so that makes this a tradition now, right? And I'm not blogging the Christmas soaps. Hopefully I'll be too drunk to. What does Reggie Yates do the rest of the year, I wonder? Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstal's let himself go, too.
Cee Lo Green. Who's he? Isn't he that Gnarls Barkley guy? I've never heard this song before in my life, and there's nothing funny to say about it. Hold on, he just said 'Xbox or Atari'. I got an XBox for Christmas. Woo.
I don't know who Ellie Goulding is. But I know she does an Elton John song. She's gurning a bit. She looks a bit blokey, like she should be in an unfunny BBC sitcom or something. I think I prefer Diane Vickers, and I can't stand Diane Vickers. My mum's verdict: 'she's average looking, an average singer, yet she's doing brilliant. I don't get it.'
Jason Derulo. Who's that? Oh my God, I don't know any of these people. I am out of touch. Thank fuck. It's like (Fl)Usher. Mum's comment: 'he's trying to fill Michael Jackson's gap.' Oo-er. These lasers make me think something good should be happening. But it isn't.
Katy Perry can't sing Firework, which is unfortunate. Half the song is too low, half is too high. The result is a struggle. Plus this song sucks shit. She's doing that thing where you give the mic to the crowd because you can't sing a note. Courtney did that a lot when I saw her this year (but Courtney's allowed).
Olly Murs. Do we really need a new UB40? Who decided on this cod-reggae direction for him? It's not even the one about the crab. Do-be-do-be-do-bop. Fuck off.
STOP TELLING ME WHAT'S COMING UP, IT MAKES ME WANT TO TURN OFF. Who is Eliza Dolittle? Is it Martine Mcutcheon? OMFG this song is so annoying. Double Bass on stage equals The Loop equals time to go to the bar. Every sane Morrissey fan knows that. I don't think a bikini is suitable attire for Christmas day. Eliza looks like Lady Sov. Tweet tweet tweet- buzz off.
Scouting for Girls. Best remembered for being on a documentary moaning about illegal downloading of their turgid music. I think the aviator jacket is out of fashion already. If it wasn't, it is now. This is the worst thing that's been on so far, and it's had some stiff competition.
Oh god, not this fucking Flood song again. Take That. They've been everywhere this year; the country's been riddled with their floodfloodfloodfloodfloodflood. My mum just came and made a sarcastic comment about Robbie Williams because she knows how much I want to stove his face in with an iron. I wish there had been 'more of them than us' and they'd got a proper beating that put them in traction for a few months.
Tinie Tempah. He's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. He's just got this one song, innit. Should have kept Matt Cardle's trousers at his aunt's house, too. Not just as good as Dizzie Rascal. Is that Johnny Marr on the guitar? I wouldn't put anything past that old cunt. We like the cup of tea drum skin, that's about it.
JLS. Don't like them since that one dumped her out of The Saturdays. She was The One! how can we trust another word out of their lying little mouths? This song is dreary, too. No, this song is insipid. It's a shame my mum's buggered off as I'm sure she'd have a few words to say about it.
Plan B. Have you ever seen him in the same room as Graham from Corrie? Have you? Have you? He has a lady's voice. This is the best song so far, and I don't actually like it. Where is the rock and indie this Christmas? Graham does scrub up nice, though. Perhaps he's due in court.
Coldplay. I don't mind this song but I prefer the Killers Christmas song, which in turn is not as good as 'A Great Big Sled'. He's still waiting for the snow to fall. Are him and Gwinnie in the Caribbean, we're awash with the fucking stuff. I watched Sliding Doors the other night, was quite good, except John Hannah has a face like a chewed lightbulb. Still, Chris Martin isn't much better. Should have stuck with Brad.
Chris Martin is looking a bit like Frankie Boyle today. Hope he does a racist joke at the end of this song. Just for the look on Apple's face. Kevin Webster is in the audience and seems to be enjoying himself- well, he's had a tough year.
And to top it all off, Matt Cardie hasn't even bothered to show up. Probably because he hadn't won when they filmed it. By next year, he'll be but a memory.
I hope my dinner is ready now, because I'm due a drink. Have a good one... now turn over quick, The Queen's on.

The X Factor: In this Matt-rix

What is the X Factor without Cher? Bland.
I like the way the contestants are posing like they're a character to pick in a beat-em-up computer game.
Why is Robbie Williams on my screen two nights in a row? Unacceptable. I didn't know they ever gave lisping Howard Donald a line in Take That songs. Jason Orange always looks the coolest one. Mark Owen can fuck off, the little rat. I don't care if he did win Celeb Big Brother.
Matt: 'do you ever feel like a plastic bag?' WTF. What the hell are these fucking songs? Oh it's Firework! LOL. He's singing it better than Katy Perry did. Shame he looks like half a banana. This song strikes me as quite hard to sing. Why do they give Matt totally unsuitable songs like this to sing? Why don't they give him The Killers or something.
Louis to Matt: 'you've been paying your dues for 17 years.' What, since he was 10? Matt was on first I notice, maybe Simon is really keen for One Direction to get it.
Where are the Christmas songs? Where are the winner's singles? Something doesn't feel right this week. Also, all the songs are by people who've been on the show, or judged on the show. Boo.
Why has Tina from Corrie got so much make-up on? She looks radioactive.
Rebecca's doing the Eurythmics. Great. So current. Rebecca looks like an elegant statue. I would love for her to beat Matt. I don't think it's gonna happen, though.
This bit where they get the auditionees to sing is dire. It;s also a bit unsettling to see that young prostitute in her pants as part of family entertainment.
Shiiiiiit they are dragging this out. LOL One Direction are out! That'll stop that screaming. Rebecca FTW.
Rebecca got through even with the Christina kiss of death. Nice one.
One Direction look like sad puppies being led off to slaughter. I think they talked them up too much. I want to see the room of One Direction fans all looking despondent.
Matt's winner's song: 'a broken fairytale'- yeah, for One Direction. This song is fucking awful. Rebecca could win it if she has a better song. Oh just fuck off Matt, you sweaty old creep. OMG that song blows so bad. What were they thinking? I had learnt all the words by the third chorus, though.
Rebecca's song is better than Matt's but it's still pretty dreary. Oh God, I so hope she gets it.
My boyfriend just saw Christina Aguilera for the first time and went 'Fuck, what happened?'
Take That: haven't we already heard this dirge before?
Ugh, Matt won it. I give it six months before he's slagging off Simon Cowell and going back to his band.
I'm glad Dannii's happy, I like Dannii. But that's about it. I feel empty. EMPTY.

The X Factor: Take That and Tsunami

Why does it look like they're miming on the group song?! What IS this song?
I like Jack the Lad Swing in the most part, they're fairly harmless (except that 'sound of music song'). Hope Marvin from JLS is OK after breaking up with 'the one' who he went out with for a whole seven months. I find if someone is 'the one' it's worth hanging onto them.
What's with the earplugs? This song blows. It's both schmaltzy and rubbish.
Talking of which, here's Westlife. The gay one looks fat. The main one is trying to hide his Steve McDonald receeding hairline with a mohawk. Where's Brian McFadden? Oh. What are they wearing, they've all got flasher macs on.
What's Louis's drinking that's got line floating in it?! That's not going to quench your thirst, Dermot.
Take That. All I can ever think of is that documentary they did and the four of them were waiting in a room for that cunt to turn up and he never did. How he's got the gall to come crawling back after all the things he's said about them baffles me. He doesn't need them. They don't need him. The whole thing is mystifying.
BODIES IN THE BODHI TREE. God, I'd like to punch that arsehole. Every movement he makes infuriates me. I can't explain how angry he makes me! I HATE HIM. If I could wipe him off the planet with a single thought, I would. I'd obliterate that cocky, nasty, egotistical, ugly, revolting, money-grabbing, talentless, rudebox-singing WANKER off the planet. I hope Noel Gallagher is watching in disgust.
This song blows as well. Westlife's song was the best!
I can't even look Mark Owen in the eye these days. When did Howard Donald become the dishiest? Gary looks fat and old.
OMG I think this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen on TV. I've never seen anything so earnestly bad in all my life. They're all kind of shouting it into each other's faces. Did we really wait 15 years for this?
WAGNER'S through! Lols. I thought he had a better week this week!
FUCK. Why is Aiden in the bottom two? Katie: your time is up, love.
Don't dream it's over! if Katie stays over Aiden, there really will be a lynching about to happen. He looks like he's got his dad's trousers on. I like the end, it was good. He's all awkward and wonderful.
I don't mind this song Katie's singing. She always does a better second song. But enough is enough. Minnie Mouse, send Katie home, ffs.
Simon is dragging this out too much, it's cruel. WTF. Aiden better not go.
Deadlock. Surely Aiden can't be less popular than Katie!
OMFG please tell me that didn't just happen. Is this a bad dream? He has got ACTUAL TALENT! This is fucking bullshit. Fucking PAIJE IS STILL THERE, FFS.
'What's next for you?' A beer.
Katie needs to hire a bodyguard. I blame Simon Cowell. I hope he's enjoying the drama. I AM FUMING! This is a travesty. First Adam Lambert, then Ben from Big Brother, now this!

Hate Blog: The Brits Awards 2009

I'm going to do a live blog of this, anything to keep me from proper writing. See how far I get before I start tying my shoelaces to the curtain rail.
Oh my God. I just remembered those homophobic CUNTS are presenting it. *turns over*
No, no, no. I've got to give it 15 minutes at least.
Fuck me, is that Bono? Is he parading in front of the Union Jack? When Morrissey did that he was banished from Britain for years on end. Oh and there's the lyrics. I'd sing along if it wasn't such SHIT. Fuck off Bonio, we've got Chris Martin now, we don't need you anymore. God is he STILL persevering with that whole coloured glasses schtick? I will only be satisfied with this performance if it's a medley that finishes with 'Lemon!' Haha, medleys. Good old medleys. JUST FUCK OFF BONO!
Oh, there's Kylie. I preferred her when he eyebrows weren't stapled to her scalp. She looks like she's had a stroke, or stood too close to the fire. Oh and there's those homophobic, unfunny cunts doing something unfunny. Urgh. They have less chemistry with Kylie than current-day Jason 'dreamboats and petticoats' Donovan.
Oh God, Simon Pegg presenting Best British Female. I hate Simon Pegg. He used to be good, but I think he ate too many smug pills in LA. Gross. I haven't even heard of some of these nominations. Mine would be Emmy the Great. She's delightful. Oh, Duffy won. Duffy reminds me of some stuffed toy, or puppet, she's naturally pretty, but she's dead behind the eyes. She's an impassionate robot even when she sings. That song bores me rigid too.
International female artist. Mine's Courtney Love, and I suspect she won't be up there. Oh fuck, please don't let it be Katie Perry. Please don't let it be Katie Perry. Please don't let it be Katie Perry. OH. She makes Avril Lavigne look alternative. She makes Fall Out Boy look like Bright Eyes.
Now I'm relieved to see Girls Aloud. Something aint right when you write that sentence. Why is that song so fucking catchy??? Argh! I like Kimberley if you're interested. Are they naked? No. And if they were, you still wouldn't get to see it. Ooh, they look nice in those leotards. At least they are real, not like all that Estelle rubbish. God, Sarah Harding's voice sounds horrible. But Nicola can sing. And as long as the Irish one doesn't speak, I'm happy.
Alex James! Cheese! It's not funny when they do it. Grrr! Saying 'without further ado' IS further ado, Alex James. He was introducing Best British Breakthrough Act. That's a tongue twister. Who won? Don't pretend you care. It was Duffy. She's writes her own joke with that name.
Thin homophobic cunt now has a quiff. Fat homophobic cunt says 'scream until your nipples bleed.' Eh? Why isn't Russell doing this gig? Why are they just perving over Kylie? These two are interminable. They make Michael Mackintyre look funny (and yes I did have to look up his name, he's just known as 'oh that unfunny twat's on TV again' round these parts.
Coldplay. Aww, the butterflies. Still, I feel strangely unmoved.
Natalie Imbruglia has wisely gone brunette again. She's giving out the award for best international group. THE KILLERS, surely? Oh those beardy blokes got it instead and thanked GOD. How inappropriate! This is an athiest kingdom! It shoulda been Brandon! He OWNS this year.
Oh my God, Jamie Cullum & Jamie Oliver! If you HAD to sleep with one??? ARGHHHHHHHH! Forget I said that. Best British Male Solo artist. MORRISSEY! Hmm, maybe not, hey. Maybe next year. Oh. I couldn't see him accepting the award from the chick-gasser anyhow. Paul Weller won. Unfortunately the award wasn't 'most ridiculous fringe.' or it would have been spot on.
Homophobic cunt one: 'Here is a performance so exciting, it will make you want to put your fist in your mum's mouth.' Is this a joke? Is this meant to be funny? I mean it was followed by Duffy, but still, give us a fucking leg up, you useless wanker.
Have I mentioned I hate Fearne Cotton? When I watch telly at my mums she's always like 'you hate everyone' so for the sake of parity, I like Holly Willoughby. Ta.
Homophobic fat cunt makes joke about being fat. Someone I don't know introduces Best Album. Why are AC-DC up for so much stuff? Did I miss something? THE KILLERS, THE KILLERS, THE KILLERS! My global position systems are vocally addressed! Oh fucking hell, it's the Kings of Leon again. Who they gonna thank now, the baby Jesus? They might as well thank the fucking tooth fairy, the beardy freaks.
Take That are in a spaceship. Is Robbie Williams going to show up? Are they taking the piss out of Robbie? I hope so! I wish BRANDON FLOWERS would turn up in his little outfit doing his robot dance. Now THAT would be good. Can you imagine BEING an ADULT Take That fan? You might as well just book yourself in for the lobotomy now. They all have glasses on. Brainy! Gary Barlow was my fave, in the bleach/bondage/ jelly era. Don't tell anyone.
Nick Frost looks rough. And he never exactly looked handsome. Non-funny joke, but that appears to be compulsory. Best Live Act. Moz, of course. Oh, it's... Iron Maiden. Yes, I did just say that. Bruce Dickinson talks like an accountant.
The Hoff. Best British Group. Elbow. Elbow! Better than Coldplay or Girls Aloud? Ich don't think so. Chris Martin looked sick! I liked it when they asked a recovering alcoholic to come for a drink, though.
Kings of Leon play live. I don't mind this one. Who doesn't? It's nice enough. It has that Coldplay-esque backing vocal. It's the acceptable face of rock for chavs. But it just don't turn me on, baby.
Making jokes about Craig David. That was funny about five years ago. Florence (and the machine) has lovely hair. Best international male. Neil Diamond is a nominee. (Can you tell I've got the shoelaces out? Just tying them...) Kanye West won. Nice veneers. Subtle.
Oh and a glorious duet from the Ting Tings and Estelle. Their songs mesh together as happily as Rhianna and Chris Brown en route to the Grammys. MEDLEY!
Cunt 1 described Alan Carr as 'slightly camp'. Why didn't they get Alan to present this show? Alan rocks! Best British single. How quaint. Girls Aloud! Glad they won something. At least they're likeable. Sarah Harding: 'it's about time!' It's not like you wrote it, is it, love?
Tom Jones (sadly not my friend called Tom Jones, who is much more palatable) presenting Album of the Year with his new Mr Whippy hair. Time to go less orange, TJ. Duffy won it. There was a tear in her android eye. It was probably just a leaky battery.
OMG BRANDON!!! I wasn't expecting that. Are they singing? *squeal* Why are his ears sticking out? Wow he mentioned Louder than Bombs! That was a boring speech though. Oh my God, he chose Pet Shop Boys over The Smiths! Bet he wouldn't tell Mozzy that, if indeed it's true. He looked a bit boss eyed, was he plastered? Put your little spacesuit on, Brandon! I love you! I'll give you some bang for your buck. (Apologies, I'm getting hysterical)
Seriously, who really gives two shits about the Pet Shop Boys? Can you name one person who likes them? Erasure are better. MEDLEY. Why is Brandon THERE yet not playing? This is criminal!
Oh fuck me, Lady Gaga just rolled up. Seriously; if she's 22, I'm 12. Thank god she fucked off before Brandon came on stage. He wasn't on for long enough though. What a waste. It's like having Morrissey there and getting him to do a little dance behind Jay Z or something.
Oh my God, then Brandon did sing with Lady Gaga for a second! URGH! I'm fucking furious now! I sit through that fucking shit-fest and then that happens!
CUNTS!

X Factor: Car Crash special!

Here's a live blog, live from lightupvirginmary's living room (and bedroom too, I only have the one room!). It's Take That week, and I am watching something peculiar, some mass hallucination, some live trickery that even Dermot can't smooth over. Rachel comes out and sings flat EVERY WEEK. She sung so badly tonight I had to turn the telly down. Yet every week, they tell her she's amazing. Why? Why are they protecting her?
Meanwhile, Dannii is having a meltdown; crying on live TV. So the rumours are true, she is under serious pressure; no one seems to like her, Cheryl, Simon or Louis. I don't like her either, but fuck me, stop torturing her. Louis in particular is a poisonous little cunt. Imagine how pushed into a corner you must be to crack live on telly. Cheryl could have given her a cuddle or something. Dermot just pretended it wasn't happening, like every man in the face of an emotional female outburst. BOO! It would have been braver and nicer to have acknowledged it.
Almost EVERYONE was out of tune tonight. Diana was AWFUL and she's my favourite. She was like a drunk, witchy Kate Bush caught in a mangle. Yet the judges let that slide too. Do they have earplugs in? JLS. Out of tune. Ruth; shit.
My favourite at the mo is Eeyore Quigg, even though Charlie Brooker said he had a face like foetus. Even so, that children's choir/ pyrotechnics combo was beyond the pale. Total vomfest.
So on X Factor they forced Louis to say sorry to Dannii, haha. He did it in typically insincere style; prick.
Same Difference were miming!!! Wtf?! Did they forget how to sing in a year? Oh...
And Rhydian. Still fighting the ginger and any hint of charisma. (Soz, Mr B, but even you must be over it by now).
Rachel RIGHTLY went and didn't even put up a fight. I think it was pretty apparent the public didn't have blocked up ears. However, she actually did well in the sing off! But ultimately she was just too hit and miss.
The X Factor was just a big, fat mess tonight. Live TV. Pretty funny. Pretty awful.

The Brit Awards 2008- Medleyfest!

I should be at the pictures right now celebrating my boyfriends birthday but instead I'm coughing up phlegm. Yum! That's pretty shit but then further torture beckons in the form of the Brit awards. Oh Jarvis, how we miss you.
Yegads! Mika kicked of the show with a MEDLEY and the skinniest legs ever. I'm entirely unconvinced by his act. He doesn't look like he enjoys his own music (and why would he?). Bizarrely he was joined by a very pink Beth Ditto and they then sang Standing in The Way Of Control. God I love a medley. But only when it's someone good. Oh no, good people don't do medleys. Scrap that.
They obviously decided Ozzy wasn't fit to present so they roped Jack and Kelly in to help Sharon. Sharon was ridiculously over enthusiastic throughout.
Best Live Act... Take That apparently better than Muse. OK.
Rhianna and the Klaxons! Woo! How ironic! What a mash up of cultures. I'd love to tell you what it was like but I decided to listen to a bit of I Was a Cub Scout instead. I love his lazy way of singing. Oh fucking hell, it's Umbrella again. Get a new trick, pony. She looks ten foot tall. Is she on stilts? Is she shagging Josh Hartnett? Lucky BITCH! Nice lasers though. I miss lasers. Those were the days.
Fearne Cotton- fuck off! We got rid of Cat 'stroke victim' Deeley- you're next! It annoyed me when she called Beth Ditto 'gorgeous' too. Like she'd swap.
Product placement: an advert for Kylie's perfume. Subtle.
Will 'chinny' Young presented an award to Adele (yeah, another one of those dull singer songwriter bints). He was struggling to read off his card. Adele said in a magazine that she was the same dress size as me. If that's true, I need my fucking jaw wired RIGHT NOW. (sorry, that's very anti-women of me- but I've been driven to it by this inanity!) Jonathan Rhys Myers was presented an award with a proper gurn on. To Mika. Next we had a performance by Kylie 'botox' Minogue. Someone should really tell her that someone stapled her eyebrow on too high. She appeared to be dancing with some Asda-brand Daft Punk. Except Daft Punk wouldn't touch her with a bargepole. Oh and miming. Shitly. She's looking almost as past it as Madonna.
Zzzzzz. Sorry fell asleep there for a minute. Mark Ronson won best british male solo artist. Is he even british? I thought he was an American brand of tosser. He came on with a prepared speech! Drop dead you Morrissey-murdering prick. No, really. Urgh, I hate trumpets! Fuck off. Mute! Later he did an awful MEDLEY with all those awful young people you're meant to like but just want to chuck in a pit like they were pigs with foot and mouth. Oh Marky Mark, you're not fit to wipe Morrissey's arse. You look like a dick with that guitar with two fret boards! Do you have three arms? Knob-end!
Kaiser Chiefs! Bet they do a medley. I can't bear to listen though. Leona Lewis- fabulous dress, beautiful, great voice, shame about the personality.
'The Drummer' won best international group (and best album). I love it when Courtney calls him that.
Kate Nash jointly won best stilted singing voice/ Lily Allen bandwagon hopper. And best female. It should've been Emmy The Great! Arctic Monkeys= cocky little shits. Oh and high as kites.
Winehouse does not interest me in any way shape or form. I don't like fake American accent singing voices. I don't like crackheads. She looked less spangled than normal but I wouldn't say entirely sober.
I don't think Sharon quite 'got' Vic Reeves trying to be funny. But then he wasn't that funny. I blame the wife! she sucked the life out of him. There's no going back, he's a husk.
And after not one good act all night, insult gets piled on top of injury, as Paul 'two thumbs up' Mcartney wins the award for Thickest Most Miserable Old Man. That 'Dance The Night Away' song: absolute genius. What a legend. What a hero. What a cunt.