The Brits 2014

Evening! I'm continuing a seven year tradition of sitting through something I hate just to slag it off - actually, that's my entire social life. James Corden is doing the same thing I see; trouble is, both he and I are running out of jokes for this fucking sorry mess - and at least that fat cunt's getting paid for it. The pressure's on as I read last year's blog today and there were at least four or five funny jokes in it. Shit. Have I lost my touch? Has James? Take my hand. Let's see what's what. Maybe they'll surprise us all and put on a glorious spectacle, a feast for the eyes and ears, a magical evening of wonder? Come on! I know it's gonna happen someday.
OK, back to reality. I have a drink here. I am watching half an hour behind. So I'm starting off in a good mood. Then I see James Corden and wonder, why have they booked him the past three or four years in a row? I have fresh beef with Corden this year, which is actually my own fault, but for some reason I decided to listen to his Desert Island Discs at some point last year - to laugh at his taste in music, I suppose. Imagine my abject horror (and I was trying to go to sleep at the time) when one of the songs he chooses is Bright Eyes! I was wide awake (it's morning) for the next three hours (there was a joke there, but only Bright Eyes fans like me AND JAMES *grits teeth* will get it.) True enough it was First Day of my Life, the dullest Bright Eyes song you could ever choose. Why not a Poetic Retelling of an Unfortunate Seduction, James? Why not that? But still. The thought me and the Michelin man are both chirruping along in our cars to hackneyed lyrics like 'I'd rather be working for a pay check than waiting to win the lottery...' was enough to turn me cold and give me a good bout of insomnia. So yeah, I got beef. I got previous. You could say I brought it on myself. But I didn't KNOW. I thought my tastes were so goddamn counter culture (Placebo and Morrissey are still cool, right?) that James Corden would NOT KNOW. But he did know. And now I am the same as him. We are fans together.
But at least I'm not taking the dirty money of The Brits. How can a publically-declared Bright Eyes fan stand there in front of 1D and Ellie Goulding and pretend to look cheerful? I see you, James! I know your game. I see you. *taps head, Limmy-style*
Anyway. I'm lying because I haven't even seen James Corden yet. I can see dude from Arctic Monkeys though. I know they're meant to be good and everything but I could never get behind them. Too much hype and NME hype at that. I feel like the singer takes himself too seriously, and look at them all in 'uniform'. It's like Coldplay. But let's face it, this tuneless dirge is probably the high point of the night. I thought it was The Killers at first. No such luck.
Oh James Corden is on fire. *insert joke here* Oh he is looking fat again. I thought he'd gone skinnier. He looks like he's got fake tan on. I put my fingers in my ears when he said what was coming up because if I knew, I would smash my TV to pieces with a hammer.
The Brit Awards statue looks like motorised saw. Saws. Fire. We could have a dead James Corden on our hands yet, as long as health and safety procedures have been sloppily applied. Here's hoping.
Can I fast forward yet? No. Wait for the adverts.
Who the fuck are Third Eye Girl? I thought Third Eye Blind were bad enough. Aw, there's little Prince. What's his deal? James Corden is making me cringe, interrupting Prince. Who does he think he is? Hold on, I hate Prince. Ok, the nominees are for British Female Solo Artist. I won't bore you with the nominees but this year instead of Emile Sande we get Laura Mvula. Only one black person at a time, for God's sake. Don't want to scare people. No need to worry, as public schoolgirl Ellie Goulding won. Who votes for this shit? She has got the most enormous face. She should be on the side of Mount Rushmore. I kind of gave up insulting people's looks a bit, as people can't help how they're born and all that, plus I'm getting fatter and older, but for tonight I'll MAKE AN EXCEPTION because I'm having to suffer through this bullshit. Buyer beware!
Fucking hell man, who is writing James's jokes?! 'Going to the toilet in pairs'?! Is that the best he can do? He's worse than last year, I swear.
Hold up, Katy Perry's just turned up, don't tell Andrew Sachs, he'll probably call the Daily Mail complaining about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Oh it's one of her songs with no tune. Oh, wait, there's a dancey bit. Bring out the washing machine. Don't make her hit a high note, though FFS. She's got a pyramid on the stage *cough* Illuminati. I think I'd be 'going to the toilet in pairs' ie. snorting coke with my fingers in my ears (is that physically possible?) whilst this shit is on, too.
I actually feel a bit sorry for Corden at this point. His jokes are so bad they aren't even arousing anger, just pity. I mean this blog is bad, but making jokes about wearing the same outfit as Katy Perry? Oh, Lord.
Kylie and Pharrel have turned up, having a smug off. Best international male artist. Surely Pharrel himself is in the running, genius that he is? I can't spell his name. I'm not looking it up. Fuck him and Daft Punk. Eminem's in the running. I'm guessing he hasn't shown up, so he's not going to win it. Ah, it's Bruno 'I'd catch a grenade for you' Mars. Apparently he likes tweeting about The Jeremy Kyle show. I'm following someone on Twitter called Semtex who also likes tweeting about The Jeremy Kyle show. I'll find one of his tweets for you, as it's more entertaining than listening to this 'speech', ah, here we go: 'Why give this lumpy shitsplat the time of day? Nothing is going to be resolved here.' Kind of how I feel about The Brits.
I'll give that cunt Corden one thing, as least he can pronounce David Bowie right, which is more than my James who lives in this house can do. 
Oh, Tinie Tempah and Fearne 'Fame Skillz' Cotton have just turned up. The Daily Mail ran a full page article this week about how Prince William shouldn't have high fived Tinie at some event or other. I'm against high fiving myself, but they seem to think shooting boar is JUST FINE AND DANDY. Just don't make physical contact with the 'rappers'. They're introducing Best British Breakthrough Act. It's Bastille. Congratulations to Dan, Chris, someone and Woody. Yeah, well done you. You're the new Mumford and Sons. Hold on, the lead singer looks like Jack 'Shilpa's a cunt' Tweed. In fact the band seems to consist of Jack Tweed, Roddy Woomble, Nick Grimshaw and the singer from Elbow. Bastille bloke: 'this time last year I don't think anyone thought we would be here.' This time two minutes ago I didn't know who the fuck you were, even though I remember you being on the godforsaken Christmas TOTP, but am not admitting it.
I was just going to go and get another drink, but then I thought, no, I'm not wasting good (well, Glens) vodka on this shit, so I'm drinking a Diet Pepsi instead. How's that for rock n roll?
One Direction seem like they're having a blast. James Corden plugging Nectar points. This gets more anarchic by the minute. Have 1D been paid not to smile? The second ugliest one is wearing a Stone Roses t-shirt. I bet even Ian Brown can sing better than that joker.
James Corden just described Bruno Mars as 'the greatest showman performing anywhere in the world right now.' What about CONOR OBERST, James?!!! He's even looking up from his keyboard nowadays! You TRAITOR. I just fast forwarded through Bruno, so that's one ad break lost. Fuck. I'm gonna catch up, aren't I? This is like some sick race. I feel like Jesse/Aaron Paul (same thing) in Breaking Bad/Need for Speed, clutching my steering wheel and screaming. WHEN WILL IT END!!! Take me back to the meth lab!
I still don't know who Rudimental are, but some people I know went to their gig last week. They look like they're dressed entirely from Shop Jeen, which is no bad thing. I love Shop Jeen. 'If people are going to remember this record in 20 years...' Un-fucking-likely.
Oh god, did James Corden REALLY just make THAT joke (mixing up Lily Allen and her baby)? Even my blog wouldn't stoop so low (not true, I make those sorts of jokes all the time). Lily Allen looks skinny. I hope she hasn't been starving herself on Katie Hopkins account. Best British group. Two of the nominees were Disclosure and Rudimental, neither of which I'd heard of before last week. So Arctic Monkeys have won and are making a joke about One Direction. But are they really so different? It's all just pop pap. Props to the sparing us the 'list of names read out' though. At last, some mercy.
Who's this dude who looks like James Arthur with the dude from Arctic Monkey's quiff? Doesn't he get to make a speech?
I am not even commenting on this 'something for the fans' patronising bullshit because it's just designed to wind me up.
It must be nice to be the 'stunningly beautiful' Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley (except for having to sleep with Jason Statham and all that). Funny how no man gets introduced as the 'super sexy... blah blah' isn't it? Sigh.
One Direction are winning the Global Success award. What's that when it's at home? Harry Styles isn't even bothering to go on stage. 1D are reading out a list of names, against Chief Arctic Monkey's specific instructions. Harry was in the loo. Is he sniffing? One is on crutches.
I think this might be the most boring Brit Awards ever, and I forwarded through Bruno Mars. I'm not even angry. I'm just cowed, like Corden. We're both too old for this game. We're like old war horses that need taking out the back and shooting.
Oh, lock up Tom and Jerry, top ranking lizard 'Mrs Carter' is gracing us with her heavenly presence. No human looks that attractive; she's definitely on the babies blood. She's a good advert for it, too. We are truly blessed to even have her on our TV screens; who could forget her back catalogue of killer lyrics like 'do you pay my automo-bills?' and referring to herself as 'it'. Bow down to Queen Beyonce, who isn't content with an outfit unless she endangers at least 15 species in the process. She probably ordered the killing of that poor fucking giraffe Marius just to make her next pair of baby booties.
To be fair to the horrible, beautiful Cruella De Ville Illuminati princess, this has been the best performance of the night, but then she hasn't exactly had much competition. It was probably in her contract that everyone else had to be crap. 
Did they write James's 'Beyonce - shit' line? GENIUS. Oh, James. Come with me, just come this way. I've got something to tell you. Beyonce wants you skinned and made into an ugly rug. Just stand against this wall and close your eyes.
Katy Perry is plugging her tour and giving out an award for best British single. One option is Olly Murs. I'm not even joking. Rudimental have won. I do know this song. I just don't like it. It's not even drum and bass, it's like drum and bass for old people who can't dance that fast. It should have been Olly! At least his heart skip, skip, skip, skips a beat.
Oh, piss off Arctic Monkeys, you've had your five minutes.
Performing together now, are Disclosure and Lorde. I don't know who these people are. Oh, just what we needed, another Florence. Brilliant. Nicola Roberts solo work is preferable to this. Dance music you can't dance to - it's the pits. Oh someone else has just come out who seems a bit more lively. Perhaps this is the Disclosure part. Disclosure makes me think of conspiracy theories. Oh, this is like some sub-rave, electro rubbish. It's better than Lordes, or whatever she's called, but only just. The 'disclosure' is, she's miming.
Bastille are dressed entirely in t-shirts from Topman. Has no one got one with an eagle and the number 69 on it? I'd rather cut my own fingers off than listen to this meaningless shit.
FUCK, James Corden just nicked my Nick Grimshaw joke. GREAT. We really ARE fucked together. I made it like, an hour ago, but no one knows because I'm blogging and not tweeting, like a modern person. The benefit of blogging of course, is I don't have to argue with people about my opinion, I just give it to you, and you can lump it. Everyone's a winner.
Nicole Scherzinger is nominating the best International Group. Finally, James, Bright Eyes are going to get the acknowledgement they deserve. Oh no, it's Daft Punk. I think that new Daft Punk album was possibly one of the worst albums I've ever heard in my life. And I used to have the second Bros album. Actually, that's a good album.
James Corden is mentioning Lassiters to Kylie. I mentioned Lassiters just this week. I think I am turning into James Corden. I'm the new Matt Horne.
Oh fuck, I just caught up. I'm now in 'live play'. I think I did quite well really. Maybe it will let me have a new go on Candy Crush now (I love jumping on a trend just as it dies a death). What sort of sick fuck of a game bans you from playing it for half an hour; and you LET IT? Mental.
This Disclosure prick just said 'everyone on blogs and websites were getting really excited about our album and we were just like, settle.' OK, I'm settled. Your album is horrible and your live set is crap. Is that better? Fuckwit.
Ellie Goulding is singing now. She's in her bra, but she's not sexy in any way, shape or form, even though she's pretty with a good body. I don't know why. She's like a robot. I don't think she has feelings. If she did, she would spare us this.
WTF why has Noel Gallagher just turned up? Are they paying him? He doesn't need the money. At least he had the good grace to call it 'shit'. Kate Moss has turned up to collect an award for David Bowie. JARETH. Don't speak again, Kate. Don't ever speak.
Ugh, the real Nick Grimshaw has just shown up and snogged James Corden. Emetophobics beware.
I've had to turn down the bit where James Corden is talking to Pharrell because it was making me cringe too much, then Keith Lemon popped up, so there's that.
Jimmy Carr just showed up. Another joke about drugs. Zzzzz. Doing drugs is a lot more fun that hearing jokes about them, that's for sure.
Video of the year, as voted by Twitter: One Direction. Great trolling, Twitter. Thumbs up.
I had to turn down that Nick Grimshaw/ Rudimental bit as it was so dreadful. But it did give some time to read through my blog and relive the whole fucking nightmare.
Running out of steam? Me? Never! Ok, album of the year. Emile Sande has shown up (presumably Laura Mvula has left). Arctic Monkeys have won. Maybe now they'll name everyone at their record label. The moment we've all been waiting for. One at the back looks embarrassed. This speech is worse than the record label one, really. Glass ceiling? I don't see too many women rockers onstage. Well, any. Since Courtney. The microphone has been dropped. Super. Is it over now?
I'm turning off this last bit. I've suffered enough. This is like a final punch in the face. Same time next year? See you there, James. It's just you and me, kiddo.

The Brits 2013: James Corden-blergh

Well, this is going well before it's even begun. One: I've got laryngitis so can't speak. Not being able to speak is rubbish. It makes me realise just how much crap I talk and how much I like giving my opinion on EVERYTHING. So I have a feeling that might make me channel all my anger through my fingertips into a giant splurge. I'm also coughing up bits of the back of my throat and look like something off the Walking Dead. I didn't even blog the Speidi doc (sob). Two: my boyfriend has stomped off into the bedroom declaring 'I won't have it on in the house.' Make that the same room. So now I've got feeling like crap, plus feeling guilty on my hands. Three: it's the Brits. It's my tradition to write a bilious blog about it, and I'll be damned if I let a horrible illness stop me. I'm already suffering, so what's a little extra?
So I heard James Corden might be ill, too, and that Chris Evans might be hosting. At least Chris Evans was relevant once, right? Even if he does write that really smug column about going to country pubs and playing golf now.
So opening the show in usual understated style is Muse. Remember Plug In Baby? That was a good song. Not sure how many light years ago that was now. I used to have a poster out of Just 17 on my wall of the guy from Muse, and he looked attractive. I'm serious!
Ugh, Corden is there. Isn't Russell Brand in the country? Shall I just say ALL THE SAME THINGS I say EVERY YEAR? Well if they will wheel out this far prick every year, what do you expect? Oh my God. Mumford and Sons. I'm strongly considering joining the resistance in the bedroom.
Mumford #1 says he 'enjoys doubling the size of the window people get to look in.' That will come in handy in your next job. I always say it, but I honestly thought they were a joke band at first, and they've done nothing to change my opinion. Plus James Corden says he loves them. Enough said. I thought he'd lost weight? Also, why have they redesigned the Brit Award as Cath Kidston's vibrator this year?
Taylor Swift. Where's Kanye on the only occasion you'd EVER need him? Cut to 1D's Harry Styles. Taylor looks like Bug Bunny. She's introducing Best British Female Solo Artist. Has anyone ever heard a Paloma Faith song? Me neither. She's just famous for wearing bits of old carpet. Amy Winehouse? Pretty sure she died over a year ago, are we that hard up? Mitch Winehouse is more relevant. Oh my god, Emile Sande. That is the worst type of music on the planet. I'd rather be forced to watch that programme about a chicken shop on a loop for 24 hours than listen to one of her pathetic, middle-of-the-road dirges. Can't WAIT for her acceptance speech! She makes Corrine Bailey Rae look like Pussy Riot. James Corden attempts to talk to those little slags out of One Direction. They are REALLY EXCITED about the tour starting. Yeah, really excited about all the pussy, to quote that little runt Styles. That's twice I've used the word 'pussy' in one paragraph now (three times, now, actually).
OMG Robbie Williams. This is too much. Someone up there is trying to finish me off. I hope he falls off that step and knocks his front teeth out. I actually mean 'breaks his neck' but I'm trying to build up to that level of vitriol, and he's stealing my thunder. Is this the 'Ring of roses' one? FFS. Shoot me now. Just take me out with the horsemeat burgers and donkey lasagnes and dump me in a fucking ditch. I should DEFINITELY have started watching this half an hour early. I've really fucked myself. There are people playing tubas onstage and Robbie Williams is still the most odious thing in sight. Revolting. Someone drop the bomb, quick, you get him and James Corden for the price of one.
What the hell has happened to Simon Pegg? He looks like a little rat. I used to like him. Back around the time I used to like Muse. And what's he doing with Liz Hurley? Best British Group. Is it someone I hate? Who the hell are Alt-J? The XX, that's a bit last year, isn't it? I'm vaguely up on new music thanks to Song Pop, now, ha. And One Direction and Mumford and Sons doesn't really cover it. Mumford and Sons sounds like a business Alex Polizzi goes to sort out on The Fixer. Like a failing furniture shop.
Nick Grimshaw: are they actively trying to put people on the stage who are more odious than James C? They still failed but only just. Best British Breakthrough. Why are there only four nominations in every category? Rita Ora's been out for ages. Seriously, is this the best they can do? Someone who looks like they're trying to cover up their bald patch with an elaborate comb-over won it.
Oh dear, I've got a bad feeling I'm not going to have a good word to say about this whole night.
Christ, Dave Grohl's just turned up plugging something or other. Kurt Cobain's 46th birthday perhaps? Cue Courtney: 'when the drummer tries to sing!!!!' LOL. It's lucky my boyfriend has left the room. He really wouldn't tolerate this. He was upset enough when Dave Grohl didn't get a slap off that deer in that 15-year-old QOTSA video. Fucking hell, is Dave Grohl sitting with Simon Cowell?
Plan B, don't give up the day job! No seriously, I sat through a bit of that Sweeney, and I've sat through several Danny Dyer films, and you can't even compare. To Danny Dyer. Or Jason Statham, even.
LOL to the person behind James C looking at his watch as he introduced old spud-face himself, Justin Timberlake. Seriously, I thought this guy's wheeze would be up years ago; he makes Spencer Pratt look attractive, and the high point of his career was splitting up with Britney before the umbrella period.  All of his songs sound exactly the same. Lord knows what's going on with his hair right now. I'm guessing he's had it relaxed because we all remember the NSYNC-advert-for-Frizz-Ease stage. This twat has also got a tuba. 'So smooth'? He never used to be. You can't airbrush a hairdo like that out of history, Trousersnake.
The way Paloma Faith talks gets right on my wick, and I bet I'm not the only one. The human condition; oh go fuck yourself. She's like a human condition: dandruff. What sort of music is that anyway? The sort no one likes.
Oh dear, Ed Sheeran, ginger and that shiny suit really do not go well together. Best British Male - Ben someone. Who is this mumbler? Yeah Emeli, please do have some time off, I'm sick of the sight of you. Oh dear, my boyfriend just came in as Ed Sheeran was on TV, the one person he specifically said he would not tolerate. This Brits is actually more trouble than it's worth, it's like being caught watching some race hate or something.
Dermot and Sharon Osborne are the first two people who've turned up on that stage that I haven't felt searing hatred for. Sharon is sniffing like she's just been backstage with Conor Oberst. International Solo Artist. Anyone but Alicia Keys? I'm glad Lana Del Rey won it out of that lot. Although I'd say her bubble burst last year.
I always disliked One Direction, obviously, but at least I used to fancy Zayn. I can't even fancy him anymore since he's been revealed as a love rat. Are they murdering Blondie? Oh well, rather her than something I hold dear. They're struggling with the low notes somewhat. Oh it's a medley. Teenage Kicks as well? I'm sure Twitter is up in arms. I'm not bothered. Teenage Kicks gets on my nerves. Teenage pricks.
Sorry, I just paused to try and think of something positive to say. But I can barely breathe through my nose or mouth. Positive thoughts is just pushing it. Oh God, aren't we done with Emili Sande already? *cries*
I am ambivalent towards Jack Whitehall just because he wants everyone to hate him. Best British Live Act. Is it Muse? It normally is. Oh no, it's Coldplay. Has Chris Martin not even bothered to show up? Too busy covered in poster paint, no doubt.
OK I'm really losing the will to live now, I'm not sure I'm going to make to the end of this. Best British Single. Is it Stooshe? Isn't that the one about loving someone who beats you up? That's a good metaphor for this stupid programme. Except without the love. I've never even heard that Adele Skyfall song. She couldn't even be bothered to show up. I don't blame her. Oh how we laugh at the 'controversy' of last year. Zzzzzz.
Taylor Swift looks like she's just risen from the crypt. Oh, is that the idea? I'm seven minutes behind now and it's hard to know whether to fast forward this or the adverts. Oh, she went all Ann Summers at the end. Original! Madonna just called, she wants her panties back.
My boyfriend has just joined us with the remark: 'only a licensed cunt would watch this.' Then Robbie Williams came back on.
James Corden on Dave Grohl: 'men want to be him, women want to be with him.' I think you'll find 99 out of 100 women would rather be with Kurt Cobain's 46-year-old corpse. 
I made a sandwich during James Corden's cringeworthy 'conversation' with Alt J, but they were characters weren't they? Like Union J without the looks, or a LCD Soundsystem police line-up. It was even funnier when they started talking.
Seriously, who got James Corden back after last year? He's useless. He's never made me laugh once. Ever. He makes Sam Fox look competent and Mick Fleetwood look like he can read.
My boyfriend is now declaring he is a 'war child' and watching this is worst than anything those kids went through. Ha, is that Damon Albarn. Alex James is looking rough, LOL. I'm surprised they've got Albarn back after last year. My boyfriend is now chanting 'Parklife' and going 'James Corden could do with a bit of famine.' I think it might have been easier when he was in the other room.
I just told him my Mumford and Sons joke from earlier and he went, 'Even Alex Polizzi would draw the line at this.' Have they got a ukelele? I used to think they were American, then it seemed like the fashion was slightly more forgivable. The lead singer looks like an alcoholic Tony Hadley.
'Pay some respects to Brian Ferry!' cried James Corden, to which my boyfriend replied, 'shall we start with the stag shooting, or the fact he's married to his son's girlfriend?' See, this is why I needed him here for the whole of this blog - so he could write my jokes for me.
1D win the 'Global Success' award; or as it used to be called when Russell Brand won it, 'Shagger of the Year.'
There's only one positive thing I can say about this whole affair and that was that I didn't have to look at Florence or her Machine this year. That's it.
Can you imagine how sadistic you'd have to be to watch the ITV2 show? Almost as sick as if you just ploughed through this blog, you loony. Thank you!

The X Factor: In this Matt-rix

What is the X Factor without Cher? Bland.
I like the way the contestants are posing like they're a character to pick in a beat-em-up computer game.
Why is Robbie Williams on my screen two nights in a row? Unacceptable. I didn't know they ever gave lisping Howard Donald a line in Take That songs. Jason Orange always looks the coolest one. Mark Owen can fuck off, the little rat. I don't care if he did win Celeb Big Brother.
Matt: 'do you ever feel like a plastic bag?' WTF. What the hell are these fucking songs? Oh it's Firework! LOL. He's singing it better than Katy Perry did. Shame he looks like half a banana. This song strikes me as quite hard to sing. Why do they give Matt totally unsuitable songs like this to sing? Why don't they give him The Killers or something.
Louis to Matt: 'you've been paying your dues for 17 years.' What, since he was 10? Matt was on first I notice, maybe Simon is really keen for One Direction to get it.
Where are the Christmas songs? Where are the winner's singles? Something doesn't feel right this week. Also, all the songs are by people who've been on the show, or judged on the show. Boo.
Why has Tina from Corrie got so much make-up on? She looks radioactive.
Rebecca's doing the Eurythmics. Great. So current. Rebecca looks like an elegant statue. I would love for her to beat Matt. I don't think it's gonna happen, though.
This bit where they get the auditionees to sing is dire. It;s also a bit unsettling to see that young prostitute in her pants as part of family entertainment.
Shiiiiiit they are dragging this out. LOL One Direction are out! That'll stop that screaming. Rebecca FTW.
Rebecca got through even with the Christina kiss of death. Nice one.
One Direction look like sad puppies being led off to slaughter. I think they talked them up too much. I want to see the room of One Direction fans all looking despondent.
Matt's winner's song: 'a broken fairytale'- yeah, for One Direction. This song is fucking awful. Rebecca could win it if she has a better song. Oh just fuck off Matt, you sweaty old creep. OMG that song blows so bad. What were they thinking? I had learnt all the words by the third chorus, though.
Rebecca's song is better than Matt's but it's still pretty dreary. Oh God, I so hope she gets it.
My boyfriend just saw Christina Aguilera for the first time and went 'Fuck, what happened?'
Take That: haven't we already heard this dirge before?
Ugh, Matt won it. I give it six months before he's slagging off Simon Cowell and going back to his band.
I'm glad Dannii's happy, I like Dannii. But that's about it. I feel empty. EMPTY.

The X Factor: Tonight's going to be a good night (dependant on the ITV player)

Well I've missed the first half an hour of X Factor because my BT vision box just didn't bother to tape it. Thanks! So glad I've wasted weeks on this show only for that to happen.
I've got it working again just in time for One Direction. Lucky, lucky me. They are doing Elton John. Flat. Get the message. Elton doesn't like you.
Fuck this, I'm going to watch the whole thing later; I'm not feeling it halfway through. *time passes* OK, it's just come on ITV player at 10pm. THANKS. I only have to do 30 mins on interwebs, the rest I've got recorded.
WTF the ITV player is starting at the exact point my BT vision box started recording! Did the first part of X Factor disappear into the ether? This is really getting on my fucking nerves. Incidentally, the ITV player is the least intuitive website on the WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET. I think it's got mental problems.
Fuck it then, let's just go with what I've got.
WTF is going on with Cheryl's hair?! She looks like she's just got out the bath. Oh, now it's snowing. Lovely.
Here's how the odds should be: Cher FTW, Rebecca, One Direction, Matt. Here's how the odds are: Matt, One Direction, Rebecca, Cher. See the discrepancy? Boo.
One Direction's mum looks about 20. I don't tend to gaze adoringly into my mother's eyes and say I love you, but maybe I'm just uptight.
The other boys One Direction went to school with must be livid. I bet they were a right bunch of ninnies, especially that blonde one.
Oh I've only missed Matt and Rebecca. I thought I might have missed Cher.
What is Tina from Corrie doing? She looks like she's fallen face-first into the MAC counter.
Oh god, I think I've got the first bit going again now. Are you enjoying this blog? I'm certainly enjoying writing it. *pours another drink* Come on, stay a while, suffer with me.
Matt and Rebecca better be on fucking high wires at this rate.
OK, I'm there, back at the beginning. Everything is right with the world. Voiceover man comforts me. That and the Cava.
Ah... Diva Fever. Memories.
By the way, I know who the duets are, despite trying to avoid it. Was Will.i.am going to duet with Mary if she went through instead? #itsnotafix (ooh, crossover joke)
I feel a bit hungry now, I've waited for so long. I need some hard drugs. Also, the picture quality on this ITV player blows.
Group song. AIDEN! Ahh... his quiff is getting Jedward-esque. Wagner, get us some dope will ya? I don't even smoke it, but I'd do some crack with Phil Mitchell right now if it got me through the next 90 minutes.
Cher is doing a rap about musical chairs. GANGSTA. Matt's out of tune. Uh, this song is reminding me of that Black Eyed Peas atrocity last week. #itshouldneverhavehappened (sorry, I'll stop doing that now)
God, did I really wait three hours for this fucking racket? I think I'll go back to watching people biting their toenails on BBC3. Is it really up to us this week, Dermot? Is it?
I think the fact that Matt Cardle's hat is so popular speaks volumes about the extent of his charisma. Oh, and the fact he's doing Dido.
I can't even fast forward this shit. The imaginatively-named ITV player is 'buffering' a few times already. It's like it's the early 90s all over again.
Judges: Oh Matt, you're so amazing, you're wonderful, the sun shines out of your behind. NO you're a fucking dullard. Go away.
I can hear Stacey Solomon but I can't see her. Nevermind.
Ah, look at Princess Cheryl having a cup of tea in Rebecca's council house. I hope they put down the appropriately-coloured carpet.
Rebecca is being spun round on a giant black cake. Why? Ask Brian Friedman. I don't know what this song is. I like Rebecca, but the style of music just sends me to sleep.
OMG Louis and Cheryl say the same fucking thing every week. 'Likeability factor... you deserve to be there...' Just stick a robot there to say this shit. It'd be more human.
Rebecca's best friend looks just like her! Spooky. I respect that in a friend. All friends should dress the same, it's your little gang.
Ahhh back to my TV and the fast forward button now. Thank fuck. It's not fair, I wouldn't be this drunk if it was 7.30 right now.
Cher. I bet Cheryl was pissed off having to go to two council estates. Aw, bless Cher's brother.
Cher's got her pyjamas on. So have I. WTF is this song? It appears to be about a rubber dolly. Is that a euphemism? Get your freak ON! She should have done that one about doing E, I used to like that one.
This is all over the place and it's still seven billion times more interesting than Matt and Rebecca combined. She feels real. Which is why she won't win.
My computer is mad with me cos I won't plug the battery in. I won't plug that battery in until the bitter end, so nag all you want!
Duets! Matt Cardle and Rhianna! Yeah they seem like they'd go well together... right? Hopefully he's going to do the Eminem rap Cher did last week. Matt's got Dermot's suit on. He looks like he's just shuffled by from parents' evening. Ugh, what is this song? It's like someone's getting murdered.
Rhianna needs to sort that barnet out. Incidentally, I saw an interview with Rhianna recently, and she really was as thick as pigshit. Does she require flames wherever she goes? Matt looks completely out of his depth. Hope he catches fire. Why is he in that fucking suit? It looks highly flammable! Should have gone for the vest again, that was just weird. Matt should have duetted with someone indie. They are making him into something he's not. Perhaps that cunt from the Kooks might have been available.
Rebecca and Xtina also don't go together in the slightest. It's like they're willing her to lose. Rebecca has too much hair tonight. I like her little cape, though.
Christina is looking... busty! I'm sure people will be slagging her off for not looking anorexic as all female popstars should, but she looks good. Her hair's gone haywire. She is just singing AT Rebecca. Rebecca looks like she wants to curtsey.
UGH One Direction are performing with Robbie Williams. Haven't I suffered enough tonight. Their little coloured suits looks silly.
I hate this fucking song, too. Didididididididi is basically how it goes. Robbie looks like he could be their grandfather. Aw bless, they were completely out of tune then. Oh what an 'honour' it is to sing with Robbie. I wish Robbie would DROP FUCKING DEAD.
Oh lawks, what song are Cher and Will gonna murder? I hope it's My Humps. Cher rapping to this Black Eyed Peas song reminds me of when I do Eminem on the karaoke, but I only know the first verse of any given song.
Eh heh! Tonight's gonna be a good night! Tonight's gonna be a good, good night! This song makes me laugh. This is the perkiest I've felt all night. His necklace is rather smashing, too. He must be hot in that coat.
Fuck me, is Rhianna hawking more of her wares on this show? Wow, look at those earrings. They're cool. I'm a fan of ginormous earrings. Is she gonna whip her dressing gown off? OMG she's just got her undies on. Is that appropriate for a family show? What would Widdecombe say?
I like her body (Rhianna's, not Widdecombe). This song is poo poo, though. This dance she's doing is borderline obscene.
Ooh, Xtina's back too. Let's hope she's got some clothes on. Oh. This dance is reminding me of Courtney after a few whiskies. They should rename the show the 'objectification factor'. This song is awful. I like her chewy-looking hair though, actually.
I like it when popstars go a bit fat, too. I think it shows their humanity.
I'm getting so fucking bored with this show now. I think this performance is 0.2% less sexy than Matt Cardle in that vest.
Talking of X Factor, I saw Alexandra Burke being interviewed on TV this week. She is one boring bastard. How the fuck did she win it?
Results! They're kicking one out. Hope it's not Cher. *sadface*
Ick, Matt's still got that suit on. Dermot: 'good luck to everyone.' Might as well say 'good luck nobody.'
Hmm, I wonder who will go through between Matt the plank, and Cher?
Planks rule! Well done, viewers. Pass the razorblades.
Simon: 'there's going to be a shock tonight.' Nice try. See you tomorrow for the bore-off. Night.

The X Factor: Will.you.fuck.off

Four glorious warriors, according to Dermot. I make it nine mediocre singers.
Alexandra Burke is one lucky SOB because she would never have won it this year. I think she needs to reinvestigate getting a fringe, as she's looking a bit Ant McPartlin.
She's flying! Who does she think she is, Jesus Christ? We need Jarvis Cocker to sort this uppity bitch out. Rubbish song, too.
Where's the medley by the contestants? I don't get this Glee thing. It feels like their mics broke for about 30 seconds in the middle of that song. It seemed like no one was singing for a very long time. I don't know anything about Glee except that one in the wheelchair is not really in a wheelchair, and they should have given that job to an actor in a wheelchair. They all look fucking punchable. Lord, what a racket.
Louis and Dannii sneaking back from a cheeky... what?! They don't smoke.
I think the Black Eyes Peas might be one of my most hated bands of all time. Every single song they have sets my teeth on edge.
OMG- is this actually happening? I actually lost the power of speech for a minute there. This sample does not go with this other song. The whole thing is so utterly tuneless, it's melting my brain. I feel like I just took some really bad drugs; like hammers and spanners bad.
Anyway, enough of that self-indulgent old clap trap. On with the results (!)
LOL to Simon's face when One Direction went through.
Boo, wish it was Cher who was safe. Cher should do 'I am what I am'. Or 'I am whatever you say I am'. One or the other.
Mary's got to go. I think she's ready to roll. She seemed confident. I think she's done her best, but no megastar want to team up with her next week. Who would they get, Michael Buble?
Why is Cher doing Britney? That's not very gangsta. She looks like she's blubbing. This sounds like a ballad to me- she poo-pooed ballads yesterday. This song blows. bless her, though, she's like a little sparrow.
Louis, who is the act you're SENDING THROUGH TO THE FINAL, FFS. Don't you understand English? Mind you, why change the rules at this stage. It makes no sense.
Simon will save Cher, I'm sure. And so it was.
I'm sure there's not normally four in the final. Cher FTW.

The X Factor: Club (foot) classics

The night starts here, the night starts here, forget your name, forget your fear. Why, hello, there.
Club classics theme. WTF does that mean? Zombie Nation and Darude?
I am watching half an hour behind to fast forwards the ads as usual. I win!
Dannii looks pretty tonight. Hope Mary goes tonight! I'd like Cher to win now, but I think it's unlikely.
Aw to Rebecca and Boris Becker spending his credit on her. Show Me Love! She's doing a dance tune but not dancing. Dance! She looks great, though. That was quite groovy.
Louis isn't using the oil-slick hair gel this week.
Not sure Cheryl is pulling off that red lippy, and I should know. Ah, it's because of the horrid bronzer. You should always go pale with red lips. Every grunge girl knows that. She looks like a demented air-hostess.
I wish Wagner was still in, he could have done Ebeneezer Goode. LOVELY.
Mary sounds completely out of time! And off. Oh dear. Why are none of the judges commenting on it? I think Louis is on crack: Simon wasn't negative in the slightest.
Aw, Matt's ill. Good, hope he goes this week. You got the love! With a guitar. Don't invoke the memory of Florence and the (Dialysis) Machine (that's my boyfriend's joke, but it's a good 'un). This is actually OK. I think I prefer him raspy. He's got the confetti. It's like he's won Deal or No Deal.
I wanna draw my eyebrows on like Cher! What's this song? She sounds like she's doing Coldplay. She's like a little penguin doing Coldplay. And that's a lot more interesting than Mary. Her lyrics just mentioned the Nintendo 64. Ah... Mario Kart. This song's alright.
I don't like the way Cher has to apologise for her bad attitude. Attitude is a vital component of being a singer. Who is she meant to be deferring to?
One Direction. Zain is fit. The dancey bit over the chorus means they can basically be out of tune, because it's so loud. They should have done Firework by Katy Perry. This is a din.
Second songs. WTF is Matt singing? In which club was this a classic? The failed suicide club? I had to fast forward that it was so horrendous. Matt looks sweaty.
Fuck me, the way Louis talks about Mary is like she's a dog waiting to be put down, not his star turn. Have faith, Louis!
Eek Mary's crumbled. She did a croak! That's known in the business as doing a Waissel. I think Simon just said 'you know' 50 times in one sentence. Dermot: Mary, don't get sad about your dead mother! You're being a downer!
Cher's doing Eminem medley- LOL! 'When a tornado meets a volcano'- this is a bit much, really. But I kind of like it. Her voice sounded good at the end.
Cher shall not change for love nor money! FU Dannii.
Rebecca. Since when was Amazing Grace a club classic? Where's the washing machine/ food blender? Louis, where is your rule book when we need it?
One Direction are doing Snow Patrol. They are singing it better than Gary Lightbody does; mind you, that's not difficult. I think my second favourite One Direction is the little brown-haired one with a bowl cut.
Judges to everyone: 'you really deserve your place in the final'. Well, they can't all get there. So get off the fence why don't yer?
Want your vote to make a difference? Vote Cher. Mary; please come to customer services.

The X Factor: I've got the poison (I've got the remedy)

Double elimination! Surely Katie's gotta go tonight.
I think The Wanted need to waltz off. At least they're proving their not miming by being so out of tune. They are like One Direction's grand dads. Is there a good looking one? Negative. One of them looks like the dude out of the Social Network, one looks like David Platt, and one looks like an alcoholic ex-boyfriend I had a few years back. What a treat.
I don't know much about Justin Beiber except he looks like he needs a good slap. At least he's miming. It's like Peter Beale has drunk too much red bull and done a song and dance routine at Christmas. I've heard less vocoder on 'do you belieeeeeeeve in life after love?'
Nicole Sch.... she's got the poison (I've got the remedy). Why has ever single pop song from Bieber to Perry to Rhianna got a cheesy pathetic 90s trance beat on it right now? it's even got the washing machine sound effect on it. It sucks. She looks like a 60-year-old dominatrix in that get up.
When did Louis's hair turn black? He looks like he's been using engine oil for hair gel. Did Dermot just say 'you did three of One Direction?' Nicole talks exactly like Michael Jackson. Weird.
I'm grumpy now cos we're cooking a roast and it's burning. DAMN YOU OVEN. Who will go? I think it will be Katie and Mary. Well, ideally.
Why did Cheryl look shocked Rebecca got through? Matt and his incredibly flat face are through. Cher's getting some booage. Why?
Fuck, Wagner's in the bottom three! Boo.
Katie is a goner. Finally! Aw shame she didn't get to do a final sing off really. Wagner is a GONER. The judges have been gunning for him for weeks.
Wagner; unforgettable. Well, for about a month. He looks like he's enjoying himself, anyway.
Mary's got a boob tattoo! She's come out fighting. This is better than anything she's done for a while.
Wagbo's mum and dad; united in grief. Touching stuff.
Louis could have said his name right as he sent him home, ffs. Shouldn't he have abstained?
Wagner is such a gent! He's a really good sport. Sucks that Chezza is the nail in his coffin.
Well that's it then. Like a bat out of hell, he's gone.

The X Factor: Rock off

Rock night. I hope they are doing heavy metal, rather than indie pop and calling it rock. I don't like Dermot's suit for starters.
Ooh, Wagner's first. They deffo got the knives out. Aw, Wagner is a cat lover. I knew he was a decent bloke.
Wagner's doing Creep. Well, apart from the fact I never want to hear it again, it's the perfect choice. He's actually singing it good, too! This is ace. He almost sang it in time, too. It seemed very short, though! That was Wagner's best song ever.
Dannii is calling Wagner a creep. Cheryl's got Jordan's make up on tonight. Simon, the song is not called 'I'm a creep'. Louis, neither are the words, 'I'm a winner'- it's 'weirdo', love. Little Thom Yorke is amused, I'm sure (if he's watching from his eco-house). Either way, I like Wagner more than Simon, Louis, Cheryl and Dannii combined.
One Direction doing Bryan Adams; ugh. It would have been better to give them something a bit indie, a bit more edgy like The Libertines or something (snort). This is 12 different kinds of shit; their target audience don't know this song.
I don't like the way Mary is singing this song, and I don't mind it normally (even though it's U2).
Not sure what Cher's singing but it sounds like a tape slowly getting chewed up in a car stereo. She looks about 12 with what she's wearing too. The rap was the best bit.
OMH look at her blusher! It's like how a mental person would put makeup on. I like her lipstick, though. Shame she's such an arsehole. Even the way she asked for people to vote for her was shirty. Was that an Avril Lavigne song? Rawk.
Rebecca. U2 AGAIN. Fuck off. she's doing a jazz version. She should try screaming, it might suit her. This is drab.
Matt is falling on his arse again, this week I see. These shouty ones do nothing for him, his voice just gets lost. He really should be doing Coldplay. Or Travis.
LOL Katie's doing Kings of Leon. Behold the fire! WOO! Backing vocals agogo. This is making me pine for Aiden, he would have smashed rock week. Her voice is too reedy for rock, this reminds me of Jamie Afro's faux rock (frock). All the 'wooing' and 'come on's. Not I won't come on.
Oh, Simon, please crawl out of her arse, you're losing any modicum of credibility you ever had. Cheryl: 'you got into character'. Being a rock singer isn't some sort of hat you can pput on. Her hair looks horrible as well, I'm missing the blonde bird's nest.
Oh Jesus Christ, they're all performing again! I'm going to get a drink. My boyfriend is having a nap and just woke up and I told him they're doing another song and he went back to bed.
Wagner won the first round! Which is why they put him at the start, so people could conveniently forget that he was actually alright. Boo!
Wagner does seem to be more in tune this week, even on this second song. Weird. LOL it had a Harry Hill ending.
WTF are One Direction singing?! This isn't rock. This is cock, not rock. I'd love for them to be in the bottom two. DRIPPY.
I hate MARY. I just do. FAST FORWARD.
Rebecca: I hate this song.
Katie: Everybody Hurts. Hmm. I'm losing the will to live. Simon was a bit unfair on her really; she sang it well, it's not her fault she only gets a minute to sing it.
Matt: ugh. Simon: 'genius'. Oh, do shut up.
Cher's been playing dress up again. I hate this song too. In fact; I hate my life.
Oh Cheryl, just get off with Cher already. Zzzz.
Right: I'm waking my boyfriend up. I think he had the right idea.

The X Factor: A crab came up and pinched your feet

So after Take That, JLS and Westlife last week (all shit, but all quite famous) this week we get Olly Murs. What's with this rubbish ska direction he's gone in? 'A crab came up and pinched your feet!' WTF.
He looks and sounds like Will Young, but with less hair. I find adding height to your hair when you're balding doesn't help. The clothes are dreadful. WHO IS BUYING THIS? It is dire! It is beyond dire. I think this might be the worst song I've ever heard.
I don't like all these 'Idol gives back' rip off things. It's just a dumb entertainment show, let's not pretend otherwise.
They are miming this song. Miming it! Why?! OMG Aiden. Oh, Aiden. Where's Wagner? It's the perfect time to give him a line to sing; when everyone's miming.
Katie's through! Was it the hair that did it? She didn't get booed either.
LOL Cher in the bottom two over Wagner! CHERYL'S FACE! Priceless. Priceless! I love it, because it reminds the judges we are in control, not them. I think Cher's good but she's too cocky. Dannii's face and Louis's face was good too. Shocker!
BYE PAIJE.
Cher sang the most 'loved song of all time' and was still in the bottom.
I like this song Paije is doing. Is Cher seriously going to do the song she did a couple of weeks ago? That shouldn't be allowed. Paije is actually singing this really well! Wow, he's really going for it! Didn't know he had it in him.
I'd like Cher to go in a way just to take Cheryl down a peg or two; she's been unbearable this week. Rise up Wagner fans!
I can't believe she's singing this again! She didn't even have to learn another song. Rubbish.
Cher looks like a snivelling little child. I wouldn't be surprised if Louis saves Paije and takes it to deadlock. He's a cheeky one! He likes the drama.
Ah, well he did the right thing. Cher is much more watchable than Paije, despite everything.
Katie and Wagner WILL NOT DIE. Could Wagner make the final? We decide, not the judges. Don't forget it!

The X Factor: When I dream, I dream of your vest

After the utter irrelevance of Elton John week, comes the tawdry cash-in of Beatles week. I can't stand the Beatles, or anyone who likes them. Do you know how many times I've had someone say to me 'You don't like the Beatles?!' like I've just said I like sucking off dogs. No I don't like the Beatles, they have no relevance to my life whatsoever. I'm sure to their generation they were great; fine, keep it to your generation and don't expect me to bow and scrape at the altar of Fab Macca, because I won't. It says nothing to be about my life. There's a lot of variety, and I'm sure the songs are well-written, but there's no heart to it as far as I'm concerned.
UGH Macca. Toady old twonk. I prefer Heather. Thumb aloft; now fuck off.
Matt. Zzz. Every act I'm just gonna think 'where's Aiden?'
OMG what is Matt doing? He's wearing a vest- not sure he's got the body for it. Sounds like he's got a frog in his throat. I hate this song. I hate ALL BEATLES songs. At least he's doing something different, I guess. His gigantic face just gets on my nerves, though.
Ooh, Louis doesn't like it. Louis has spoken! And Louis is a fan of a man in a vest, I'm guessing.
God I wish they'd take the audience out and shoot them one by one, tbh. Dannii: 'that performance was dripping.' Quite.
Cher is a ruthless little thing. I don't think she'll win it, actually. IMAGINE. Even I know that's not The Beatles. I fucking hate Imagine, too. Is she gonna do a rap in it? They should bring Yoko on to do a rap.
Why is she sitting on the spiral staircase from Carla's flat in Corrie? Is she gonna fly like Prince? Look at her little legs. Simon looks bored to fuck. Louis is gunning for Cher right now. Cher looks like she's going to nut him.
I like the little dark one in One Direction. He's got lovely long eyelashes. I thought their performance was quite good actually. For a manufactured band, they work well together. Dannii is slagging off the one I like! STFU. The crowd situation is fucking dumb; the acts can't even hear what the judges are saying.
Rebecca. Stunning. Lovely. good voice. Turgid song. Louis's right; she is classy. What's up Dannii's (collapsed) nose this week?
My boyfriend just said 'I wonder what Aiden would have done this week?' SOB. My friend emailed last to say 'deleted X Factor out the planner the second Aiden went'. I admire her stance.
OMG are people still saying 'there's something about Mary?' Pass the gun, dear. I confess, I fast forwarded Mary. Look how happy Louis looks when Simon pays him a compliment!
Looking at Paije there when Aiden isn't probably hurts the most. UNDESERVED. Let it be! I can play this on a keyboard. That and 'oh when the saints'. And 'you fill up my senses.' That's my full repertoire, though.
Wow, Paige has got fireworks, a choir, all he needs now is THE X FACTOR.
LOL to Louis. 'Lenny Henry... Martin Luther... Marvin Gaye.' Next week Paige will be 50 Cent!
Wagbo! Ah, a medley. Of course. Seriously, I'm better on karaoke than this dude, and I'm completely flat. Hey Jude is about the only tolerable Beatles song; well, no more. That Ju-ju-judy bit was good though!
WTF is Dannii on about? WOW did you see that look Cheryl gave Wagner?! She's one ruthless BITCH. That will keep him in for another week, guaranteed. Nasty. Wagner's come back to Cheryl was PERFECT. Saying she had 'the manners of a princess' after she just spoke to him like that - lush.
Katie, you're getting your 'stick' and your 'schtick' mixed up. You'll confuse my friend Adam- we spent a whole evening explaining that to him once.
Help! Katie looks like a little monkey with that wig on. It is a wig... right? I like her dress and falsh eyelashes. It's a bit of a dreary version of this song.
VOTE AIDEN! Oh.

The X Factor: Take That and Tsunami

Why does it look like they're miming on the group song?! What IS this song?
I like Jack the Lad Swing in the most part, they're fairly harmless (except that 'sound of music song'). Hope Marvin from JLS is OK after breaking up with 'the one' who he went out with for a whole seven months. I find if someone is 'the one' it's worth hanging onto them.
What's with the earplugs? This song blows. It's both schmaltzy and rubbish.
Talking of which, here's Westlife. The gay one looks fat. The main one is trying to hide his Steve McDonald receeding hairline with a mohawk. Where's Brian McFadden? Oh. What are they wearing, they've all got flasher macs on.
What's Louis's drinking that's got line floating in it?! That's not going to quench your thirst, Dermot.
Take That. All I can ever think of is that documentary they did and the four of them were waiting in a room for that cunt to turn up and he never did. How he's got the gall to come crawling back after all the things he's said about them baffles me. He doesn't need them. They don't need him. The whole thing is mystifying.
BODIES IN THE BODHI TREE. God, I'd like to punch that arsehole. Every movement he makes infuriates me. I can't explain how angry he makes me! I HATE HIM. If I could wipe him off the planet with a single thought, I would. I'd obliterate that cocky, nasty, egotistical, ugly, revolting, money-grabbing, talentless, rudebox-singing WANKER off the planet. I hope Noel Gallagher is watching in disgust.
This song blows as well. Westlife's song was the best!
I can't even look Mark Owen in the eye these days. When did Howard Donald become the dishiest? Gary looks fat and old.
OMG I think this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen on TV. I've never seen anything so earnestly bad in all my life. They're all kind of shouting it into each other's faces. Did we really wait 15 years for this?
WAGNER'S through! Lols. I thought he had a better week this week!
FUCK. Why is Aiden in the bottom two? Katie: your time is up, love.
Don't dream it's over! if Katie stays over Aiden, there really will be a lynching about to happen. He looks like he's got his dad's trousers on. I like the end, it was good. He's all awkward and wonderful.
I don't mind this song Katie's singing. She always does a better second song. But enough is enough. Minnie Mouse, send Katie home, ffs.
Simon is dragging this out too much, it's cruel. WTF. Aiden better not go.
Deadlock. Surely Aiden can't be less popular than Katie!
OMFG please tell me that didn't just happen. Is this a bad dream? He has got ACTUAL TALENT! This is fucking bullshit. Fucking PAIJE IS STILL THERE, FFS.
'What's next for you?' A beer.
Katie needs to hire a bodyguard. I blame Simon Cowell. I hope he's enjoying the drama. I AM FUMING! This is a travesty. First Adam Lambert, then Ben from Big Brother, now this!

The X Factor: Ban Elton

Why the FUCK are they doing Elton John week? Elton can't stand them! I can only think of three songs of his, and one is Circle of Life. It's meant to be a modern show, ffs. Fuck Elton John. Don't pander to that old buzzard. Even Elton admitted he can't compete in the charts anymore. So why are we bothering?
Bet Matt does Your Song!
Paige has got the death box. Ooh, his part in Harry Potter was good. That's enough fame for one man alone. I think Paije's voice is better than usual this week, and he looks qood in his pink jacket, but I just can't be bothered with him.
It's not Paije's fault he wasn't born when that song was out! No one was (except Louis).
I think Dannii's been on the booze before the show, she's a bit lively tonight. Who wouldn't want to put their hand over Louis's mouth?
Why is Aiden on second? I get him. Well, I'd like to. I think he's got Paije's jacket on by mistake. I like it when he sings flat and out the corner of his mouth. I like all of it, really. He makes me dribble. Why isn't Dannii on her feet? She was for Paije. I like it when Aiden pulls that embarrassed 'vote for me' face.
I'm trying to work out if Simon saying 'it's Louis wrong time of the month' is sexist.
Mary shouldn't be doing Circle of Life, she should be doing something from the Little Mermaid because she looks like the baddie in it. I think she's totally lost it, TBH. I never liked her anyway. I like the star in her hair, though.
They are so blatantly doing this Elton John week just to kiss up to him, it makes me sick. I wish they would get with it and have 90s week (that's how current I am).
OMG Katie's had her roots done; well, if that IS her real hair.
Oh no, it's not cos the roots are back. What is the deal with her barnet? She should come out with it all sleek one day. I think she looks good today. I can't bear these songs though. The dance routines make me fucking cringe, too. Brian Friedman needs putting somewhere out the way.
Liked Simon almost saying 'you're not principled' instead of 'you're not predictable' to Katie.
Everything Katie says makes me feel embarrassed for her. But it's not her fault, it's just how she is, invoking the Pride of Britain, and talking about being true to herself.
Matt's going to give it 110%. is the 10% his hat? Hmm, he's not doing Your Song. Must be Wagner then. NOT REALLY. Cher, obv.
Matt looks like Derren Brown with a cold this week. His face just gets on my nerves. WTF is this song? Fuck you, Elton, you have ruined this show. And you're not even having to sit through it. 44 albums?! That's not quality control.
My boyfriend just said Matt sang that well. Ugh. Don't want to hear it! He leaves me cold (Matt- not my boyfriend).
Cher bear! She looks more like Cheryl than ever this week with the neutral make-up; I prefer her in a neon lipstick. I actually like her voice and I like her rapping. She's different! She's obviously a little madam, but so what? She's a zillion times more interesting than Joe Mcelderry or Alexandra Burke.
Why are they filling before Wagner! Louis's hoping for 'brilliant singing'. LOL! I hope Elton John turns on his TV RIGHT NOW whilst Wagner's on. Well, you know, get David Furnish to do it for him.
Wagner is the lion king! Didn't Mary just do Circle of Life?! Oh, no, same thing though. Don't want to think about Lion King- made me sad when Moustafa died (sorry if you've never seen it).
Dannii is saying 'more talking that singing' but it worked for Jarvis Cocker all these years. PS: can someone buy me Pulp tickets, please?
It's VAGNER, Louis. I love it when he says that. Honestly, no other country in the world would let Louis be on TV, let alone speak.
Why are one Direction standing on top of 'The Cube' (ie. the rectangular cuboid?) Loving the moody shots of them in the background, very subtle.
I can't hear a word any of the judges are saying. NO ONE HAS DONE YOUR SONG YET.
I like Rebecca, I like her voice, and she's stunning, but is it really going to be Rebecca and Matt in the final? I'd much prefer Cher and Aiden.
I like Rebecca's lacy gloves. I might start wearing little lacy gloves around the house. No one has done Your Song! WTF. That is literally his ONLY DECENT SONG. They're doing Sandals in the Bin instead! Even Diana is turning in her grave.
I like Rebecca's chandelier earrings too. She is lovely, and it's been nice watching her blossom. She's just... (whisper it) a bit boring.
I hope you don't mind... well I do mind! Why did no one do Your Song? FAIL.

The X Factor: Bring back Leon Jackson

Ooh loving Dannii's lips. Cheryl is dressed like something out of Dynasty. Maybe the divorce settlement just came through.
Group song! Hope they've turned Wagner's mic down. Paije is pulling some funny faces. Cher looks good.
I'm surprised they've got Shayne Ward on, I thought they'd sold him down the river long ago. I always liked Shayne, he was just a genuinely decent guy who just seemed very well mannered even though he came from a dodgy background. But it does make me pine for Leon Jackson, who I also loved, and who they DID sell down the river. The mini Josh Hartnett must be fuming. They SHOULD support their winners; if they don't, who the fuck will? Leon is worth 450 Joe McEdlerry's.
Careful up there, Shayne. It looks precarious. This song is fucking duff. Did it take three years to write? He's still handsome but I prefer him without the beard.
'It's not about where I've been'- I'm sure that's because he's been sitting in his pants watching Jeremy Kyle.
So let's see how Kylie's incredible floating eyebrow is doing. The woman is 42! That makes me feel ancient. She just looks like a waxy child. I wish she'd just be a teensy bit more natural.
My boyfriend said this song sounds like a Scissor Sisters b-side. I think it sounds like something off her disappointing 2nd album. Let's face it, her high points were Confide in Me and Where the Wild Roses Grow. This song's even worse than Shayne Ward's.
I hope they send that miserable old bint Mary home. There's a lot of neon lipstick on the go tonight. I approve.
Ooh Cheryl seething at Wagner going through! That's the public she's sneering at, basically.
Katie and Treyc in the bottom two. Katie looks like a tattered old fairy out of the christmas decorations box in the attic.
Ooh Katie's fluffed it! LOL to her dramatics. She goes 'sod it' and then sits down in the middle of her song. I think she's funny. I also fear it's over for her.
UNBREAK MY HEART. Put Katie through. Treyc- go back to the call centre. You might have X Factor there, but not in my living room. She sounds off. Fabulous lips, though.
Bit cruel making Cheryl vote second. Bit stupid, too. It's just flim-flam. Dermot 'that's part of your job description.' Jobsworth. He's worse than Louis.
Dannii 'you're both off to the top ten.' Bullshit.
Wow, Treyc went. LOL. Katie FTW!

The X Factor: Divs in America

My TV is taping things 15 minutes late and screwed me out of 15 mins of TV Burp! Mean.
Why does Dermot wear that same gross suit every week? And why is Louis wearing the same outfit?
Cher's on first! Death box. I think her eyebrows are getting a bit out of hand. She needs to modify her stencil. OMG I hate this fucking song so much. Fuck Alicia Keys to hell. There's some cunt on a rickshaw. Why? Who is she being cuddled by? I think Brian Friedman needs to get off the crack. Cher looks pretty; she was a bit off but she's alright.
Dannii looks like she's come out wearing a blankee. We have a shiny blankee like that. When I wrap myself up in it, I feel like a Quality Street.
Cher- don't agree with Simon's criticism, especially in that slot, love.
Dermot has now pointed out he's wearing the same thing as Louis, thereby making my observation null and void.
Mary is off as well, she seems nervous. She's out of time and out of tune. I hope the judges don't soft-soap her. But they will. I can picture Mary running a wing in Holloway. Looks like she wants to go home to me. Ooh, Dannii's hair looks better tonight. Mind you,it couldn't have looked worse.
I see Simon hasn't got his sparkly poppy on tonight, but the common-or-garden paper poppy.
My Bt Vision box just screwed up. Better not have lost me Aiden!
Katie's still not done her roots. Even I'm getting mine done this week. This performance is too copycat in my opinion. It's like Stars in Your Eyes. They should bring back Stars in Your Eyes. Harry Hill could present it.
I like Katie crying on the bed in the background, very moving. Her outfit looks awful! Her hair looks gross. I don't think leather trousers look good on anyone. And waistcoats are rank.
Wow, we just saw the Alexandra Palace fireworks from our window! It was loads more entertaining than the X Factor.
AIDEN. Swoon. I don't think he's ever looked better. Don't set him on fire. He is literally smouldering. He is smiling, but it's scary smiling. He missed all the best lines out of that song. Sinead O Connor isn't a yank. My boyf says it Prince. I don't remember him ever singing it.
Paige: some of this got cut off by my BT Vision box but I liked the Outcast bit and I hate that song.
What is Rebecca singing? It sounds boring as fuck. Her eyebrows look ginormous too. She looks good though, and I know she's a good singer, I just find her a bit boring now. I'm not sure she's going to go as far as the judges think. I'm not sure 'eulogies' from the judges should be so praised either!
Wagner seems to be singing better this week than normal, to be honest. My mum will be going mad because she loves Elvis but I'm not bothered. Wagner: 'If sometimes I sing out of tune or out of time, I'm only human.' if only the other contestants could be so honest.
Matt. OMG I hate this song, it makes me want to retch. and it's grammatically incorrect. Does Matt look a bit like Derren Brown? Everyone's crying. Stop snivelling, Matt! Louis stop pointing that biro at everyone. I also don't think Matt will go as far as the judges say.
This song Treyc is singing reminds me of Jade Goody dying. Her and Tweed danced to it at their wedding and I watched the whole harrowing thing and nearly ended up in hospital that day so it's got bad memories.
One Direction. It's all a bit Glee for my liking. Have they hit puberty yet?
That's all folks. See you for Shayne Ward tomorrow. And that bit of Harry Hill I missed.

The X Factor: RIP Bellamy

Bon Jovi! Bad medicine is what I need. My mum will be enjoying this. Let's take bets on if John's hair is real or not. I think it's about as real as Brian Molko's. In fact their band logo looks a bit like the Placebo wings.
I'm trying to think of something more embarrassing that this but can't.
Richie Sambora/ Johnny Marr- I can't tell them apart.
Has Richie Sambora got a Halloween mask on? WTF has he pumped into his face! JBJ still looks good for his age, though. I used to LURVE him when I was 11.
Ugh, the return of the space cowboy. Just what nobody wanted. My favourite all time Jamiroqui moment was when he got headbutted by that photographer. Happy days. He's like the bastard son of Aphex Twin and the Cat in the Hat. Just fuck off. I mean, who likes this kind of music? If you find a fan of his do them a favour and break their neck gently in their sleep.
'I've had reservations about coming on the show'- what a cocky arsehole. It's not like you have any credibility to lose. He's not fit to do backing dancing for Cheryl Cole.
Rihanna. Couldn't be arsed to go to her 'best friend's' wedding, but time to mime on the X Factor. I hope I can one day have a friendship that strong.
Rihanna's got all shit dancey beats all over her songs like Katy Perry now. Actually she's not miming. I can't tell you how I noticed that.
She does look good though. I like her look generally, she's all mismatched. I'm not even gonna comment on that 'food fight'.
Boo- don't want Katie in the bottom two- want it to be Treyc! What is Katie wearing? Will she ever sort her hair out? You decide.
Belle Amie should go on the basis of how they sung last night, they were DIRE.
Oh an advert for a Bon Jovi gig. What a coincidence!
That blonde one in Belle Amie looks like their mum. I like the red haired one. This chorus is screechy. Can we get rid of them now?
Katie's singing was ten billion times better than Belle Amie's. End of story.
Deadlock! Let's see if Belle Amie are less popular than Katie. YES! LOL. Katie was better!
DEADLOCK FTW.

The Axe Factor - Haunted by you

I'm meant to be at a Halloween party dressed as half of Jedward tonight but I'm still not fully well. So someone else is being John. Or Edward. I'm as interchangeable as they are. Mind you, at the same party last year I drank two bottles of cheap champagne and hurled in the bath, so maybe it's for the best.
I can't really be arsed with Halloween. What's the point? You don't get presents or a day off. I like my holidays self-indulgent.
Liking Simon's fangs! Sexy times. Why aren't Cheryl and Dannii done up goth-style?
Mary has borrowed Alfie's moon for the night. Could it be magic? No.
Aiden 2nd! What is there to look forward to after that? Ooh the guyliner. The clock going backwards. He's not looking up today. I think he's compelling every time he's on that stage. Kept expecting the dancers to move though!
Now Aiden knows how it feels when MEN go 'smile love!' patronisingly to women on the street. Sucks, doesn't it.
Belle Amie sound badly out of tune tonight. Woo! This song isn't spooky. WTF is Simon on?! They were completely out of tune.
Rebecca is doing Chris Isaacs. How is this scary? Is it cos it has the word 'wicked' in it? Should have done Jungle is Massive instead. I like her lipstick. Oh the old 'world class' comment.
Treyc. Take That again- so I guess she can't blame the song if she goes out. I'm not sure if I hate could it be magic more than relight my fire. Don't talk back to Dannii, minion.
Matt is doing Bleeding Love. I've got an indie cover of it, I can't remember who it's by, though. He sounds like he's spluttering all over that mic. Perhaps he's adding in a bit of beatbox. Dannii is being quite fiesty tonight.
Louis still can't get Wagner's name right. This is the song the judges come onto at the start! What's it going to turn into? Bat out of hell! Lawks. Don't save us from those flames.
Paige! I just don't like his voice. I actually like Back to Black but he didn't do it justice whatsoever. I see Dannii is modelling herself on Dr Foster from Lie to Me in the VT clips this week. Well done if you got this reference at home (as Richard would say on Pointless).
The Daily Mail interviewed Katie's mum this week and titled the article something like 'Why does everyone hate Katie Weasel?' NICE! Honestly, as if going through Cherie Blair's bins wasn't enough.
Well Katie looks good but I have no idea what this song is. Woo! Her beehive has got it's own co-ordinates this week. I like her make-up, it's cool. I've always liked her. Being obnoxious and different isn't a bad thing.
Being One Direction is. TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES. Wow, this song is a tune. Their make up is a bit duff but I fancy some red mascara. Liking the drum machine. This is actually ace. That shouldn't have worked... but it did. The dark-haired one is a fittie.
OMFG I am psychic! I guessed Cher was going to do this song! I used to have this on tape. How did I guess that?! It must have been the moon in the video. My boyfriend is totally unimpressed I just guessed this out of about a trillion songs.
She sounds a little shaky but not too bad. I think she's proved her mettle. Cher's gone Kate Bush. I like her eyeshadow and her goth nightie, it's cute. She's gone for the full Tim Burton this week. Used to love this song so much. The rest of the album was duff, though.
Simon, it's not a 'season', it's a 'series', dear. That was NOT better than Aiden. Sowwee.
Belle Amie or Wagner to go tomorrow. Right; I'm off on my broomstick.

The X Factor: aint no black in the union jack

Hi how are you? I'm still ill and miserable. And I don't think this is going to help.
Group song! 'He's an Xbox and I'm more Atari?' WTF is this song. I'm so out of touch. Yet I'm so glad to be out of touch.
Buble! Morrissey's not a fan. I'm not a fan of the music, but he comes across well in interviews. I don't think he takes it very seriously. I'm still fast forwarding this section.
I watched the Piers and Cheryl interview today. She seemed miserable as sin, but I guess she's had a bad year. Still, there's just something very sour about her generally. I did feel a bit sorry for her though, which I guess was the required emotional reaction.
So is she miming? Unless she's been gargling anti-freeze I'd say so. That robot voice don't come natural. Looks like she forgot to put her trousers on. She should have forgotten the jacket too, it's gross. This song doesn't have a tune. Her legs look cute, though.
Dermot: 'even Louis was having a little look'. What CAN he mean?
Now for the results. Aiden and Wagner through; cool. And Katie! Interesting. Glad Belle Amie weren't in the bottom as well.
An all-black bottom three! Well, what do you know. I wasn't expecting that result.
It's time for John to go. He doesn't interest me and Treyc is clearly the better singer. Still, he seems like a nice guy. But who wants a nice guy in the competition? I want trembling, theatrics, bad rapping. Plus he's got another bad suit on.
He sounds off singing this Kelly Clarkson song. It's like he's drunk at the karaoke.
It's clear no matter how well Treyc sings, people just can't warm to her. So I'd rethink the 'rock chick' thing, Cheryl.
OMG what the hell is this Treyc is singing? Awful. She should stay in, but only just.
Bye John. He took it well. Enjoy watching Wagner pant his way through more silly songs. I know I will.
Note to Dannii: I'm giving you one more week to sort out your dishwater hair or the baby gets it.

The X Factor: These are the things I could do without

Soz I didn't blog The Apprentice this week, I was a bit ill. Thought it was a bit duff anyway- the tasks are less imaginative than Big Brother.
Hopefully this blog won't disappear into cyberspace like X Factor blogs past.
My boyfriend has skulked off to bed because he doesn't want to watch it. I predict he'll be back within 20 mins. Time starts now.
I declare all songs tonight should have a Harry Hill style ending. Coffee and TV!
Paije on first. Oh Paige. Why are you still there when Diva Fever and Nicolo aren't? Damn that wild card. Having said that, this is the best song Paije has done. Having said THAT, that's not saying much. He looks like he picked up his outfit at the local jumble sale. He's spent two quid, but it was 50p to get in.
Oh yeah, his nan died, didn't she? Can I get a sympathy vote?
Oh, now John. Great they're getting all the exciting acts out the way first. His hair looks cool, but lawks, the dry ice? That jacket is rough, too. This song blows.
Ey up, what are those dancers doing? Oh my boyfriend just emerged. He's not happy! Clearly not a John fan. I don't think he's missed enough to truly enjoy the rest.
Louis is such a hateful little cunt, isn't he? Horrible little man. Mind you, Cheryl and Dannii are both cold, too. It's just an all-round arsefest. At least Cheryl looks good. I like the sugar pink.
Is Rebecca wearing a Cheryl wig? That dress is peculiar, like she's got a ledge in it. Red hair, red lips, pink dress, it's all a bit much. I'd lose the lipstick at least. What is this song? I wish people would do some songs I know.
Boyfriend is sulking. He just said, 'is it drudgery week?'
Ooh, Simon taking a pop at Elton John. Put your handbags down, ladies.
My boyfriend's verdict on Cher: 'she looks like a cunt.' I think she looks like Tina from Corrie, but with massive eyes. Like a bug version.
Danni's looks like she's come as Dr. Foster from Lie to Me tonight. I'm rather obsessed with Lie to Me right now. It's the new Medium.
I wish Cher was doing Then Jerico instead of Tears for Fears. Is it another mash up? Is she in fancy dress? I think the make-up artist has got a bit excited tonight, like they've been given access to some colours they've never seen before. As usual Cher's a din, but it's a lot more interesting than Paije or John.
Matt. The man. The hat. The legend. Card-ell, Dermot? Card-AL. It's like Paul Burrell all over again. Britney! Don't do a Darius, dude. Oh no, Darius actually made this fun and exciting. This is just 98% dirge. Ah, Darius. Darius Danesh. Darius Campbell. Either way, he's a dreamboat. Matt is not. I think Simon's idea of 'incredible' and 'genius' are different to mine; ie. mental.
OMG Dermot just dissed Darius. FU Dermot.
Boyfriend thinks this band is called 'One true direction'. Nearly. He's cheered up a bit now. I think he's looking forward to Wagner, and he's trying to guess what Aiden might sing. This means he's into it.
One Direction are like the Slick man, they always deliver. What song is this?! I do fancy one of them, the one with the long eyelashes and the black hair. Don't tell anyone. Urgh that foetus one just winked.
Louis: 'it's like five Justin Beiber's'. Don't have nightmares!
They've mentioned Topshop about 12 million times tonight. TOPSHOP. Send me a cardie.
Treyc. I don't think anyone was screaming for her at Topshop. Well, unless she left a tag on something.
Why have they done her up like Brandon Flowers? This song is awful. She's murdering it. Do you think that guitar's plugged in?
I wish they'd STFU about Elton. He's NOT WATCHING. He's ordering David Furnish around his gigantic mansion.
You can't just 'become' a rock chick, Cheryl. It's not like Courtney Love was a choir girl and then stuck on some red lipstick and started growling.
Mary's out of ideas already. Zzzz. She should do Common People. 'I took her to the supermarket..' I'd like to see her in the bottom three tomorrow, give her a jolt.
Aiden. Oh, Aiden. Is he doing Diamonds are Forever? I only know that because I've got the Arctic Monkeys doing it at Glastonbury on my Itunes.
I like it when he goes all trembly and cross-eyed. His hair looks fucking cool. Move over R-Pattz, there's a new kid in town.
Louis likes Shirley Bassey. In other news, Simon's hair is flat.
You could tell Aiden didn't agree with what Cheryl said. Don't invoke the name of Kanye, Chezza. He's no role model.
Ooh, Dannii did nick the idea from the Arctic Monkeys. At least she admitted it.
I like this song than Belle Amie are doing. I thought their voices sounded quite good, actually. I like their blue mascara, too. Dannii is slagging their styling, but she's wearing the same thing.
Dermot clearly hates Louis! I love it.
Oh my fucking GOD LOUIS HIS NAME IS PRONOUNCED VAGNER, NOT WAGNER. And he says Simon doesn't care about his acts. If I was Wagner, I'd just call Louis Lewis from now on until he gets it.
I was singing Spice Up Your Life in the bath the other day. It is in the top five Spice Girl songs, I'd say. He's completely out of time as usual. Medley! He's shaking! Living la vida loca is obviously a tune as well. it wasn't exactly seamlessly blended in.
Wagner looks under pressure. I think I could sing better than this. Wagner hates the Spice Girls! He is Louis's puppet.
It said in Heat that Katie had her own American reality series! Sweet. I hate the Jungle Book. My boyfriend just said: 'I feel isolated from society at times like this.' Oh, I thought we'd progressed!
Do you think it would be humanly possible to get a comb through Katie's hair? I say no. I don't get the 50s jungle book thing. Her and Wagner in the bottom two, I reckon. Wow, I can't believe she's getting such good comments. The only way that would have worked is to have gone all drum n bass in the middle.
It's OVER. Now what? I'm not allowed to watch Xtra Factor. Gonna get locked back in my cupboard without any dins. If I'm not out by tomorrow, send food parcels.

The X Factor: The Death of Diva Fever

So again last night I spent two hours of my life (as I was getting ready to go out, no less) writing a few hundred words (of complete shit, admittedly) and BLOGGER went 'oops, we can't process that request'. WTF? Is it just X Factor blogs? Is it my netbook? Am I cursed? Are my blogs getting so bad they need to be vetoed before they even hit the page? Either way, Blogger, you're a cunt.
So, this is Sunday's blog, not Saturdays as advertised.
So, brief thoughts from last night: Cheryl looked great. Storm was on first (death box) and sang flat but thanks to the judges being deaf from all the crowd noise they failed to notice. Treyc has got a good voice, yet she gets on my nerves. She's got this Myleene Klass smug thing about her where you just want to slap her, but can't put your finger on the reason why. Yet when I hear her accent I like her a bit more. Dermot night: 'that was amazing.' Treyc: 'I know.' Enough said.
The others in brief: Cher: puppety. There in something inherently hateful about her, but I still kind of like her. Katie: mouse ears. Wagner: very classy the way he replied to that question about Mary. Rebecca: much better, looked stunning and I liked her song. One Direction! Let's hope it's home. Mary: good song, and good singer, but she's not for me. John: who? Diva Fever did a song with virtually no lyrics, which is a good move. They should have done Wham! Matt: gives me the creeps and looks like he's shitting himself when he sings.
I didn't like them being nasty to Aiden! Admittedly he was singing a song 'everybody knows' that we'd never heard of, but I like his spazz attacks and flat bits. That's what makes a real singer, not a fucking Joe Mcelderry.
I think Simon Cowell was on the over-excitable pills last night as he called Rebecca 'genius' and One Direction the best band in Britain right now. What, better than the Kaiser Chiefs?
Also what was with the 'heroes' theme?! I had never heard of half those songs, or people.
RESULTS show! Ironically, my hair looks exactly like Katie's today. But with zero effort!
Medley! I thought that Lady Gaga song was quite good actually, they did quite a good job! Shit I've never thought that about one of those bits- ever!
I have never heard a Diane Vickers song. I don't think I live on the same universe as everyone else. Ugh this song sounds horrible! It doesn't have a tune. It just sounds like someone's got Karen O stuck under the lawnmower. It felt like watching a kid play at being a popstar. And I hate to say it, because she's beautiful, but she was pushing it having that much of those legs out.
OMG Katie Perry is off! Maybe some starts should mime after all. Why do all her songs have this really dreadful 90s trace sound behind them? She is almost proudly rubbish. The thought of Morrissey having to pander to this dullard makes me want to punch Russell Brand in the face, and I love Russell Brand.
'Boom boom boom even brighter than the moon...' just get me the fucking gun, now.
Glad to see Katie straight through. How are all Louis's act surviving?!
Diva Fever, Storm and Belle Amie in the bottom three. Storm looks livid! Put that old dog down. Storm; face it, NO ONE LIKES YOU. What a 'trier' essentially means, 'what a failure'.
Wow Diva Fever went down fighting! That was the most gloriously gay thing I've ever seen! I love I Will Survive! Wow, that was amazing.
Belle Amie look like they're being dragged out to face the firing squad. Put on a brave face; the show must go on.
Aw can't believe Diva Fever went out in a clean SWEEP! Cruel! Just as I realised I think I fancied one of them. Odd, I know.
Yet still we have to suffer through John, One Direction... funny old world.

The X Factor: Just Dance (off)

Not sure I'm going to get much blog mileage out of this results show but I'll give it a bash. I predict the show will be 10% content, 90% padding. My blog will mirror this exactly.
Hope Nicolo survives this week anyway. I think he got a bit shafted.
Oh god, I hate the bits where they all sing, it's so cheesy. It works on American Idol but not here.
Isn't it past One Direction's bedtime? There's too many contestants, I can't work out who's who. We need to do some serious culling. Oh god, they're even flogging the group song, how tragic.
I don't like Dannii's dishwater hair colour. She looks rubbish. UGH Usher. The only good thing he's ever done is The Faculty. I genuinely couldn't name a song of his. I can't even slag off his performance because for health and safety reasons I was forced to fast-forward through it. I mean, do we really need a black Justin Timberlake? The white one is odious enough. Eww, look at Usher's facial fuzz.
God, I've heard people say 'there's something about Mary' about FIFTEEN BILLION TIMES already. STOP IT.
Wow, Joe McElderry! Has he got his teeth fixed yet? Even gay he manages to be utterly bland. I don't believe he's ever had a cock in his mouth. Mind you, I suppose there is a vacant slot for a new Stephen Gately (RIP).
Is he MIMING?! Fack me. God it's like Ray Quinn resurrected. This song is kinda catchy though, LOL!
Aww cute when Dermot picked him up. LIVING THE DREAM. Yes. My boyfriend had a dream last night he shoved his long-deceased cat into a thermos flask because it was talking to him, so living that dream isn't always so desirable. THINK ON MCELDERRY.
RESULTS! Already? That actually felt like a manageable amount of flim flam.
NOOOOO I don't want Katie or Nicolo to go! Sad face.
As I predicted. Nicolo got shafted. He looks handsome tonight. He looks shocked. I think he's got a good voice, people just don't like him. I guess he doesn't help himself with that attitude.
OMG FYD are shit! Please send them home, not Katie. She can really sing. They look like they've got their school uniform on. Go home, Penfold. Wow they are spectacularly ugly for a boyband.
Katie's nails look nice. Don't let her down... please don't stop the music... what can they be trying to say!?
Dermot looks like he really cares, doesn't he? He does a good job.
Yay, so glad Katie survived. She's more interesting than FYD and their scarves. Oh yeah, they opened the show yesterday! Well, they clearly weren't valued then. They got the death box!
Now let's just sit for a minute and contemplate that Wagner got more votes than Katie and Nicolo. Bon(go)kers!