The X Factor: I've got the poison (I've got the remedy)

Double elimination! Surely Katie's gotta go tonight.
I think The Wanted need to waltz off. At least they're proving their not miming by being so out of tune. They are like One Direction's grand dads. Is there a good looking one? Negative. One of them looks like the dude out of the Social Network, one looks like David Platt, and one looks like an alcoholic ex-boyfriend I had a few years back. What a treat.
I don't know much about Justin Beiber except he looks like he needs a good slap. At least he's miming. It's like Peter Beale has drunk too much red bull and done a song and dance routine at Christmas. I've heard less vocoder on 'do you belieeeeeeeve in life after love?'
Nicole Sch.... she's got the poison (I've got the remedy). Why has ever single pop song from Bieber to Perry to Rhianna got a cheesy pathetic 90s trance beat on it right now? it's even got the washing machine sound effect on it. It sucks. She looks like a 60-year-old dominatrix in that get up.
When did Louis's hair turn black? He looks like he's been using engine oil for hair gel. Did Dermot just say 'you did three of One Direction?' Nicole talks exactly like Michael Jackson. Weird.
I'm grumpy now cos we're cooking a roast and it's burning. DAMN YOU OVEN. Who will go? I think it will be Katie and Mary. Well, ideally.
Why did Cheryl look shocked Rebecca got through? Matt and his incredibly flat face are through. Cher's getting some booage. Why?
Fuck, Wagner's in the bottom three! Boo.
Katie is a goner. Finally! Aw shame she didn't get to do a final sing off really. Wagner is a GONER. The judges have been gunning for him for weeks.
Wagner; unforgettable. Well, for about a month. He looks like he's enjoying himself, anyway.
Mary's got a boob tattoo! She's come out fighting. This is better than anything she's done for a while.
Wagbo's mum and dad; united in grief. Touching stuff.
Louis could have said his name right as he sent him home, ffs. Shouldn't he have abstained?
Wagner is such a gent! He's a really good sport. Sucks that Chezza is the nail in his coffin.
Well that's it then. Like a bat out of hell, he's gone.

The X Factor: Rock off

Rock night. I hope they are doing heavy metal, rather than indie pop and calling it rock. I don't like Dermot's suit for starters.
Ooh, Wagner's first. They deffo got the knives out. Aw, Wagner is a cat lover. I knew he was a decent bloke.
Wagner's doing Creep. Well, apart from the fact I never want to hear it again, it's the perfect choice. He's actually singing it good, too! This is ace. He almost sang it in time, too. It seemed very short, though! That was Wagner's best song ever.
Dannii is calling Wagner a creep. Cheryl's got Jordan's make up on tonight. Simon, the song is not called 'I'm a creep'. Louis, neither are the words, 'I'm a winner'- it's 'weirdo', love. Little Thom Yorke is amused, I'm sure (if he's watching from his eco-house). Either way, I like Wagner more than Simon, Louis, Cheryl and Dannii combined.
One Direction doing Bryan Adams; ugh. It would have been better to give them something a bit indie, a bit more edgy like The Libertines or something (snort). This is 12 different kinds of shit; their target audience don't know this song.
I don't like the way Mary is singing this song, and I don't mind it normally (even though it's U2).
Not sure what Cher's singing but it sounds like a tape slowly getting chewed up in a car stereo. She looks about 12 with what she's wearing too. The rap was the best bit.
OMH look at her blusher! It's like how a mental person would put makeup on. I like her lipstick, though. Shame she's such an arsehole. Even the way she asked for people to vote for her was shirty. Was that an Avril Lavigne song? Rawk.
Rebecca. U2 AGAIN. Fuck off. she's doing a jazz version. She should try screaming, it might suit her. This is drab.
Matt is falling on his arse again, this week I see. These shouty ones do nothing for him, his voice just gets lost. He really should be doing Coldplay. Or Travis.
LOL Katie's doing Kings of Leon. Behold the fire! WOO! Backing vocals agogo. This is making me pine for Aiden, he would have smashed rock week. Her voice is too reedy for rock, this reminds me of Jamie Afro's faux rock (frock). All the 'wooing' and 'come on's. Not I won't come on.
Oh, Simon, please crawl out of her arse, you're losing any modicum of credibility you ever had. Cheryl: 'you got into character'. Being a rock singer isn't some sort of hat you can pput on. Her hair looks horrible as well, I'm missing the blonde bird's nest.
Oh Jesus Christ, they're all performing again! I'm going to get a drink. My boyfriend is having a nap and just woke up and I told him they're doing another song and he went back to bed.
Wagner won the first round! Which is why they put him at the start, so people could conveniently forget that he was actually alright. Boo!
Wagner does seem to be more in tune this week, even on this second song. Weird. LOL it had a Harry Hill ending.
WTF are One Direction singing?! This isn't rock. This is cock, not rock. I'd love for them to be in the bottom two. DRIPPY.
I hate MARY. I just do. FAST FORWARD.
Rebecca: I hate this song.
Katie: Everybody Hurts. Hmm. I'm losing the will to live. Simon was a bit unfair on her really; she sang it well, it's not her fault she only gets a minute to sing it.
Matt: ugh. Simon: 'genius'. Oh, do shut up.
Cher's been playing dress up again. I hate this song too. In fact; I hate my life.
Oh Cheryl, just get off with Cher already. Zzzz.
Right: I'm waking my boyfriend up. I think he had the right idea.

The X Factor: A crab came up and pinched your feet

So after Take That, JLS and Westlife last week (all shit, but all quite famous) this week we get Olly Murs. What's with this rubbish ska direction he's gone in? 'A crab came up and pinched your feet!' WTF.
He looks and sounds like Will Young, but with less hair. I find adding height to your hair when you're balding doesn't help. The clothes are dreadful. WHO IS BUYING THIS? It is dire! It is beyond dire. I think this might be the worst song I've ever heard.
I don't like all these 'Idol gives back' rip off things. It's just a dumb entertainment show, let's not pretend otherwise.
They are miming this song. Miming it! Why?! OMG Aiden. Oh, Aiden. Where's Wagner? It's the perfect time to give him a line to sing; when everyone's miming.
Katie's through! Was it the hair that did it? She didn't get booed either.
LOL Cher in the bottom two over Wagner! CHERYL'S FACE! Priceless. Priceless! I love it, because it reminds the judges we are in control, not them. I think Cher's good but she's too cocky. Dannii's face and Louis's face was good too. Shocker!
BYE PAIJE.
Cher sang the most 'loved song of all time' and was still in the bottom.
I like this song Paije is doing. Is Cher seriously going to do the song she did a couple of weeks ago? That shouldn't be allowed. Paije is actually singing this really well! Wow, he's really going for it! Didn't know he had it in him.
I'd like Cher to go in a way just to take Cheryl down a peg or two; she's been unbearable this week. Rise up Wagner fans!
I can't believe she's singing this again! She didn't even have to learn another song. Rubbish.
Cher looks like a snivelling little child. I wouldn't be surprised if Louis saves Paije and takes it to deadlock. He's a cheeky one! He likes the drama.
Ah, well he did the right thing. Cher is much more watchable than Paije, despite everything.
Katie and Wagner WILL NOT DIE. Could Wagner make the final? We decide, not the judges. Don't forget it!

The X Factor: When I dream, I dream of your vest

After the utter irrelevance of Elton John week, comes the tawdry cash-in of Beatles week. I can't stand the Beatles, or anyone who likes them. Do you know how many times I've had someone say to me 'You don't like the Beatles?!' like I've just said I like sucking off dogs. No I don't like the Beatles, they have no relevance to my life whatsoever. I'm sure to their generation they were great; fine, keep it to your generation and don't expect me to bow and scrape at the altar of Fab Macca, because I won't. It says nothing to be about my life. There's a lot of variety, and I'm sure the songs are well-written, but there's no heart to it as far as I'm concerned.
UGH Macca. Toady old twonk. I prefer Heather. Thumb aloft; now fuck off.
Matt. Zzz. Every act I'm just gonna think 'where's Aiden?'
OMG what is Matt doing? He's wearing a vest- not sure he's got the body for it. Sounds like he's got a frog in his throat. I hate this song. I hate ALL BEATLES songs. At least he's doing something different, I guess. His gigantic face just gets on my nerves, though.
Ooh, Louis doesn't like it. Louis has spoken! And Louis is a fan of a man in a vest, I'm guessing.
God I wish they'd take the audience out and shoot them one by one, tbh. Dannii: 'that performance was dripping.' Quite.
Cher is a ruthless little thing. I don't think she'll win it, actually. IMAGINE. Even I know that's not The Beatles. I fucking hate Imagine, too. Is she gonna do a rap in it? They should bring Yoko on to do a rap.
Why is she sitting on the spiral staircase from Carla's flat in Corrie? Is she gonna fly like Prince? Look at her little legs. Simon looks bored to fuck. Louis is gunning for Cher right now. Cher looks like she's going to nut him.
I like the little dark one in One Direction. He's got lovely long eyelashes. I thought their performance was quite good actually. For a manufactured band, they work well together. Dannii is slagging off the one I like! STFU. The crowd situation is fucking dumb; the acts can't even hear what the judges are saying.
Rebecca. Stunning. Lovely. good voice. Turgid song. Louis's right; she is classy. What's up Dannii's (collapsed) nose this week?
My boyfriend just said 'I wonder what Aiden would have done this week?' SOB. My friend emailed last to say 'deleted X Factor out the planner the second Aiden went'. I admire her stance.
OMG are people still saying 'there's something about Mary?' Pass the gun, dear. I confess, I fast forwarded Mary. Look how happy Louis looks when Simon pays him a compliment!
Looking at Paije there when Aiden isn't probably hurts the most. UNDESERVED. Let it be! I can play this on a keyboard. That and 'oh when the saints'. And 'you fill up my senses.' That's my full repertoire, though.
Wow, Paige has got fireworks, a choir, all he needs now is THE X FACTOR.
LOL to Louis. 'Lenny Henry... Martin Luther... Marvin Gaye.' Next week Paige will be 50 Cent!
Wagbo! Ah, a medley. Of course. Seriously, I'm better on karaoke than this dude, and I'm completely flat. Hey Jude is about the only tolerable Beatles song; well, no more. That Ju-ju-judy bit was good though!
WTF is Dannii on about? WOW did you see that look Cheryl gave Wagner?! She's one ruthless BITCH. That will keep him in for another week, guaranteed. Nasty. Wagner's come back to Cheryl was PERFECT. Saying she had 'the manners of a princess' after she just spoke to him like that - lush.
Katie, you're getting your 'stick' and your 'schtick' mixed up. You'll confuse my friend Adam- we spent a whole evening explaining that to him once.
Help! Katie looks like a little monkey with that wig on. It is a wig... right? I like her dress and falsh eyelashes. It's a bit of a dreary version of this song.
VOTE AIDEN! Oh.