Big Brother UK 2017: I'm at the Holiday Inn, meet me outside

Loud motherfuckers unite

I thought I'd do one last blog before the final for those who care (and I know there are two or three of you still out there!)
Can you believe we're here now! I can't believe that there are FOUR people I like in the final week. Chanelle going was a shocker. Ellie going was a joy. So here we are.
I think Raph is getting a bit desperate to win this week, Isabelle is unphased, Kieran and Hannah are ready to leave, Deborah is still having fun and Tom... well, Tom improved in the attic. But that's like saying Tom's spelling has improved since he left school. Not a high bench mark.
Ooh tonight looks like fun! A wedding. And Chanelle! And Sukhvinder. Don't come for me, bitches.
Kieran and Deborah are getting married (for a task). But first they have to go on a first date. They are being waited on my some ginger dude in an ugly suit.
I think Deborah does the Nigerian accent when she gets nervous sometimes!
Hannah: 'Did Kieran bring you strawberries?' to Isabelle. 'No, he gave me an STI.' I'm glad that's been mentioned again!
Deborah has got more charm and personality in her elbows than Kieran could ever dream of. He is so INFERIOR to her. Angry little man. Hitting people with pillows, whining about his mattress, moaning about noise. Grumpy, vain little twat. Not even good looking. STD riddled! And he likes being peed on! Just no.
Hannah doesn't want Deborah to 'marry' Kieran. I don't blame her!
All this airtime for Kieran is making me twitch. I bet it's making Raph twitch too, ha.
Hannah looks very pretty as the bridesmaid. Kieran looks an absolute twat in that hat.
Ooh, Sukhvinder has come in for the wedding. Where's Imran! She looks great, too.
OMG! Calling Kieran a 'backseat finalist' and Tom a letdown as the people's housemate. 'You should have just owned it' to Andrew is correct about taking the cash. He should!
Rebecca calling Kieran 'her winner' then going 'you're losing this. People keep coming up to me because of how disloyal you are.' No, they don't. Unless it's your mum and your other clients/ rent boys.
Rebecca: 'Everyone thinks I'm in love with you.' I wonder why! 'It's so hard watching you.'
Keiran doesn't want to stand up for right and wrong. 'What happens if I'm wrong?' His game in a nutshell. Rebecca saying she banged Kieran two hours before they came in the house. Isabelle's face! I LOVE ISABELLE. But Rebecca's not in love with him, lol.
Rebecca calling Hannah selfish and immature. What a dog! Disgusting. Rebecca has been FUCKING LOTAN. How dare she say the public hates Hannah! Hannah: 'My mum loves me.' Rebecca is a gremlin! Straight up racist! 'You're completely out of the running.' Shut up! Jealous! 32 years old! LOL! Get out!
Kieran: 'You've got to take a bollocking on the chin.' You can if you like. I wouldn't.
Hannah is right, Rebecca does discriminate. 'What kind of stupid human being does she think she is?'
Kieran and Tom shitting their pants on the couch about Rebecca. Kieran thought that was 'tame.' It was not. He should have stuck up for his BB Fam.
Isabelle: 'I've got Rebecca's shoes on.' *hides feet* Remember the way Rebecca used to talk about Isabelle, too? Hannah: 'Look what the cat dragged in' about Rebecca, ha.
I can't believe Kieran has a topknot to the wedding. Eek! Tom's best man's speech was balls.
Chanelle has come in singing Florence and the Machine. Aw. How romantic...? Raph is crying.
I loved Chanelle telling Isabelle not to put herself down. 'Young girl's look up to you. You are a backbone to people in this house.' Aw. Hannah: 'That's how you do it.'
Haaaa Chanelle calling Andrew 'sly and snakey. You look like an oompa lumpa. I don't know what you've come dressed as today.' Lol.
Haha, Kieran and Deborah now have to break up and the others have to pick sides.
Deborah, Hannah, Raph and Andrew have won a party with really bad fucking music.
Ooh, Chanelle has come back in! Ooh, Imran! Sue! Rebecca (ugh). Raph and Imran hugging was the cutest.
Imran: 'The other clique didn't win. They lost their members.' Yes!
Andrew is looking for reassurance from Rebecca and Sue that he's not a snake. Rebecca saying Chanelle has an agenda! I have literally heard it all. Oh Sue, I have not missed you one bit.
Chanelle to Rebecca: 'Don't start with me bitch, biggest slag around!' to Rebecca. 'Fucking whore.' OMG.I actually love unfiltered Chanelle. And the look on Raph's face.
'Love, peace and harmony' kills any argument! Chanelle on Rebecca: 'Just because her ten minutes is nearly up, she's trying to get airtime.'
Rebecca saying about Chanelle having sex on TV. Andrew's 'Guess what, three fucking days, and hell's coming' had me laughing for all the wrong reasons.
Who's being called a hippo now? Ellie's already left! Oh it was 'hypocrites'.
Chanelle calling Rebecca 'fame hungry' and 'we'll talk outside.'
Rebecca: 'You want to call me a whore on camera.' 
Chanelle fronting her out: 'Yes, you are a whore. You shagged Lotan for a magazine interview. You should know better at your age than to act the way you do, baggy fanny, fuck off, mate. You're embarrassing.' How are we spelling embarrassing, Tom?
Chanelle did not FLINCH! Hannah dragging her away, haha.
Rebecca: 'That's the real Chanelle. You're such a fool, Raph.' Leave Raph alone!
Rebecca is a straight up, lairy strumpet.
Chanelle: 'Come to my hotel tonight, bitch, I'm at the Holiday Inn, meet me outside, see if you're gobby then, silly slag. I can't see no hoes with my hate blockers on.' That's sunglasses to you and me. Class and a half. My heart soared, ha. You can threaten people once you've been in the house and been evicted! 'Move you silly cow, your expiry date is GONE!'
I like the fact Rebecca has gone yet Chanelle is still there. Haha, Sukvinder is now starting on Andrew. Isabelle just sits there, ha. How come she does it so much better than Kieran?
Chanelle is right about Andrew not fighting his own battles. Minions! But I don't really see how he's a snake. The snake noise doesn't even come on when he's on screen.
Raph doesn't want to end their time in a negative way.
Andre calling Chanelle a 'loud motherfucker.' Welllllll.
Andrew to Hannah: 'You and Raph can fuck off out my life.' Hannah pretending to cry. LOVE IT!
Andrew: 'Be prepared for fucking vocal truths.' Andrew is making me cry with laughter. What an absolute knob.
Andrew coming for Isabelle now! Saying she wouldn't sit next to him after he was called a snake! Don't come for Isabelle, you little wally.
Kieran: 'Don't be too over dramatic in the last few days' to Andrew. Well there is a happy medium between being Kieran (wallpaper) and being Andrew (town jester).
Andrew stop making things all about you!
God, I loved that episode. But the fact they had to drag in old housemates to liven things up speaks volumes.
I thought there was going to be a double eviction tonight! What happened?
So who to win? I wouldn't mind out or Raph, Hannah, Deborah or Isabelle. I don't think I've EVER had FOUR people I like in the final, which is weird as I hated EVERYONE except Raph and Arthur at first. The sisters didn't kick into gear until all the misogynistic men left. In my heart, I would love to see Isabelle take it. But I would also be so happy for Raph OR Deborah. So you know what this means. Your new winner is... Tom or Kieran. The vote is too split the other way! Argh.
Thank you so much if you've left me a comment on the blog, sorry if I haven't replied, I read
everything, I'm just super busy with work and the podcasts and it's a faff to sign into Blogger and then I forget. But I appreciate you, thank you for reading and sticking by me when I'm so sporadic.
For those not watching the excellent US Big Brother (BB19), I recommend it. Otherwise, I'll be in the CBB streets in a day or three. See you there.

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Thick as fuck and desperate for fame'

Why, hello again! Back so soon? Oh God, it's the aftermath of Chanelle's £400 shag. Chanelle is still missing Raph, and Raph got drunk without her. They're in LOVE! Not like that. But they love each other and it's sweet. Who cares if he's a consultant! 
Jake: 'Your gran's gonna watch this.' Chanelle: 'It's my boyfriend so make it look romantic and cuddly.' It wasn't bad. It was just the moaning I could have lived without.
Jake is saying Charlotte is poisoning Andrew against Chanelle, which is true. Chanelle got the whole night to talk to her boyfriend and Charlotte only got five minutes with her mum, so who wins?!
Hannah on Sam: 'I just feel like he doesn't really stand for much.' I'll say. He stands for jack shit. Hannah: All they want to do is become reality stars.' To be fair, you are on Big Brother. Still, I guess no one watches it these days so you won't become a star.
Finally there's a hairdresser in the house, an increasingly orange Andrew, rather than Helen Wood doing her usual moody undercuts. The haircut he did for Ellie looks OK.
Chanelle has some bed hair going on. 'I feel like a proper dirty stop out.' She did get chicken, and a shag and breakfast in bed. Sounds great. Who could ask for more? A whole night of outside contact, too!
Chanelle prefers Raph to her boyfriend as he doesn't snore but she wants to get her end away at the weekend with Jake. I believe Raph and Chanelle's friendship will endure in the outside world.
Chanelle dishing the dirt to Isabelle and Raph about Charlotte trying to 'attack her character'. 
One of the boys has to agree to have a 'back, sack and crack' done. I already know who has it, as I saw it on BOTS, it's Andrew and it looked fucking HILARIOUS. I once tried to wax my own legs and the only thing I've waxed since are my eyebrows. It was excruciating. I cannot imagine the pain of getting your ARSEHOLE waxed. In fact; I thought that was just a made up thing, to be honest. But now I've seen it with my own eyes. Cannot unsee!
I half wish Tom had pressed the button first. I think I'd want my butt doing before my legs because legs are a large surface area! Men shouldn't have shaved legs. Well, not ones who want to sleep with me anyway (form an orderly queue, hairy guys).
Charlotte 'gets her fanny done every month.' I'm just imagining the grow back time in between now. One word: Nair.
Beautician: 'We'll get you up on all fours to do your bum crack.' The housemates are watching! Raph is actually walking away, haaa. What is his problem! I don't think he's in touch with the grooming side of the gay thing. You must suffer like women do, Raph, haven't you heard?
Tom: 'He looks like a roast chicken going in the oven.' That's the funniest thing he's ever said.
Kieran's face watching it all unfold was amazing, like a me watching childbirth. The noises Andrew was making were sublime. You gotta hand it to him; he went the extra mile there. I can't imagine people doing that in a private room, let alone on TV.
Raph is getting to meet a 'Big Brother legend.' Shame it's Josie. Helen Wood would be better, haha. Second Helen Wood mention of the blog. I'll try and get another one in before the end. 
Raph singing about combine harvesters to Josie, I love it. He's the cutest. He's such a fangirl.
Josie's advice is awful. 'These people aren't your friends.' THEY ARE! And telling him to do pranks. Fucking pranks! Let Raph be Raph, Awful advice. Should have got crab eyes in.
Chanelle saying 'I just went in the room for chicken.' Haha. 
Raph is reporting back what Josie said about Charlotte and Andrew and aligning the outside contact advice with Raph's. Chanelle: 'I don't feel so bad about how red Andrew's balls are now.' Ha.
Chanelle discussing having 'old married couple sex that didn't last long' on TV. Hardly seems worth it.
'Deborah and Kieran are talking about cats.' Finally. That's like when I find a fellow cat lover once I start a new job. That magical moment when you're in the company of people like you. Raph is teasing them about moving in together. I think if they were gonna get it on, they would have done it by now.
Chanelle's vagina is throbbing and she's not had a shower. Sounds like a recipe for thrush to me.
Sam and Ellie have been offered the chance to have sex in the boudoir. Well, it worked out well for Daley and Hazel didn't it. Actually I wouldn't mind seeing Ellie get throttled.
Chanelle: 'Make sure they've changed the sheets.' Ha. Why is BB so obsessed with seeing Sam and Ellie get it on? It's not sexy, it's not interesting, it's disgusting. It's not Love Island. Not one person on my timeline wants to see it and I think I'm pretty much following everyone left watching Big Brother at this point.
The housemates are banishing Raph and Keiran from each team. Not sure what that means. Oh, they can't take part anymore or win any money. I'm worried Charlotte will evict Chanelle as part of this task if she gets the chance. That could really happen! Imagine. Wallpaper evicting the star of the show. And don't get me wrong, Chanelle does get on my nerves at times. But she's genuinely funny and entertaining. Charlotte is neither.
Hannah is doing pranks now. Enough with the pranks, everyone! We're not 12 year old boys at boarding school.
Ellie to Sam: 'You are the six foot three funny guy I've never met before.' Six foot two showmance shit! They are pretending they're having their first date. Bit of a weird first date when you're explaining away your jealously and psychosis.
Ellie looks like she doesn't want to sleep with Sam. Big Brother is basically forcing her to.
Charlotte on Sam: 'When he first came in I thought he was thick as fuck and desperate for fame.' So, what's changed? Charlotte: 'Neither of them are too bright.' Nice thing to say about your BFF in the house! Charlotte: 'This task isn't going to end well.' True.
Sam is having an existential crisis in the boudoir because he likes Ellie. What's the problem?
Ooh they're either not having sex, or they didn't show it. Ellie's nana can come out from behind the sofa now.
PS: Big Brother is 17 today. Happy birthday. I still love you, baby. We don't all age well.
PPS: BBUK podcast and BBUS podcast, if you fancy 'em.

Big Brother UK 2017: Vivid magazine dealing

I have picked up the old blogging boots again! Two weeks to go! It's gone slow/fast, hasn't it. How are they going to get rid of everyone? They always manage it, don't they?
VIVID VOMITING, guys. If that doesn't keep you tuned in, what will? It's normally us viewers vividly vomiting about Ellie and Sam's kissing.
Ooh, they are testing them about the money! This should be interesting. The Steal. Like share or SHAFT.
It's mad that Deborah sleeps with Charlotte in Rose Cottage. Shocks me! What about the Exiles? Still, I guess she does have one eye on the other alliance in there.
God, they love a button pushing task on Big Brothers' worldwide, don't they? Job lot of buzzers every year from China, sorted!
The gold team vs the black team! I can't be bothered to write down who is on which. Do you really care? Me neither. In three days time one team will be able to steal all of the money they accumulate, up to 20K.
I love how humpy they are about having to swap bedrooms (each team has to sleep together). Kieran in particular has shown more of an opinion about bed swapping than anything in the house ever. Even Lotan throwing a drink in a woman's face. He is taking his mattress into Thorn Cottage with him. Keiran would rather leave than sleep on someone else's mattress. Leave, then, and take your STDs and bouffy hair with you.
Raph is like a rat up a drainpipe to get the money. Basically you have to press a button anytime an alarm goes off.
Kieran: 'I give you one guess what's wrong' to Big Brother. Big Brother: 'Big Brother doesn't play guessing games.' No, Kieran, you can't sleep in the garden or the lounge (not sure why, think BB is just grinding his gears now). Kieran is risking money from his team's 'prize pot'. Like a pension pot, but probably worth more. I love the way Big Brother is speaking to him. Kieran scuttles off and does as he's told, ha.
I can't watch this task with them eating manky old eggs and vomiting. NOT TODAY. Not any day. I actually feel sick. It's going on FOREVER.
Tom won. But I saw a glimse of vomit coming out of Hannah's nose, so I think she should have won for that, really. Even the vomit GIFs on Twitter are too much for me.
Tom is on the black team. Tom is comparing himself to David and Goliath. 'Don't underestimate the little one.' He must be small if he's calling himself little. Pocket sized prick.
The teams are on 'buzzer watch'. Why are Thicky and Thicky on the same team? So we can still watch them slobber all over each other?
More button pressing! Raph vs Andrew, who blinks first! Andrew, no doubt. Raph did a Luke S with the button and left it too late, but so did Andrew, cos he's a copycat. Don't be too greedy!Mind you, it worked for Jason Burill. And Derrick Lavasseur.
It's interesting watching the housemates eating while button pushing. We don't get to see them eat that often. I'm surprised they can eat after all that egg vom.
Isabelle has been called to the DR and her sister is on the line. Answer the phone, Isabelle! £150 is nothing.
The phone is bronze. Isabelle is bronze. I love Isabelle's scream on the phone. Paris Hilton follows Isabelle on Twitter. Getting to the real gossip there. Paris Hilton is so irrelevant these days she could virtually be on CBB. If she wasn't so loaded. Aw, Isabelle misses her mum's spaghetti bolognese. Cute.
Hannah is missing her mum. Hope Andrew doesn't catch her crying! He'll be furious. Deborah: 'We've taught the world, love your family over everything.' Um, no you haven't. That's a big ask!
'Big Brother has a surprise for you.' Chanelle: 'What is it, chicken and chips?' £400 to spend the night with her boyfriend! Sounds cheap. Can they have chicken and chips with that? Chanelle: 'Oh my God, I've not shaved!' Ha. Is she planning to fuck him! It's basically a conjugal visit. I like the fact they're all shy with each other. I used to be like that sometimes if I hadn't see someone I liked for a while. Sometimes you need ten minutes to get used to them again.
Charlotte to Chanelle: 'Ride that dick!' She learnt that from Mandy.
Jake (Chanelle's boyfriend) is telling Chanelle he doesn't trust Charlotte or Andrew. Might as well just bring in her phone or the paper. He seems a bit boring for her, but who am I to judge true love when I'm just a mean old cat lady?
Isabelle and Sam are talking about life in the outside world and going out in Manchester. Ellie is listening in. Isabelle: 'It's better to go in pairs.' Haaaa.
Chanelle: 'I wish Raph was here' to her boyfriend. 'Have you followed any girls? Have you been on any nights out?' Him: 'No.' Is he locked up or something?! Is he not allowed out?
Ellie is in the DR moaning. 'Other girls make me feel like shit.' You make my favourite programme dogshit. You're absolutely insane.
Raph chugging wine! Hope he goes mental. Oh, he's missing Chanelle. Aw. She missed him too!
Can't they turn the lights down in Chanelle's love nest? I could not sleep without mood lighting. I could not snog under strip lights.
Lol, Raph is shit faced. Raph, don't drink and diary room. It's worse than drunk texting. Oh, he didn't even make it!
Sam likes Ellie. Ellie doesn't want to like Sam. I don't like either of them. All I see on Twit is people complaining about Ellie and Sam. And still they foist it on us.
Oh they've finally switched the lights off in the love shack. OMG Chanelle moaning and groaning! GRIM! It's not so much Love Island as Love Dregs. Not long now. Watch BB19! Listen to our BB19 pod! Then listen to our BBUK pod! Once you've done all that, Big Brother will be on again. Thanks for reading, you're the best.

Big Brother UK 2017: Save your energy

Early morning dancing montage! How original. I just watched BB19 again so I'm again pissy with BBUK for being so shit in comparison. Losing in front of your home crowd, indeed!
Deborah getting her message from her baby was cute (and the little girl was gorgeous) but I already saw it on BOTS! Can't they show different stuff on BOTS to the main show?
Charlotte boowooing in the DR that she's not going to get a message from home, you came in with your mum, FFS. She thinks the late entries should have sacrificed their temptations. I kind of see her point, but it's a bit late now. They should have used the energy saving lightbulbs, I guess.
Oh God, Ellie's turn for some first class actressing. Big Brother is going to 'shine a light on it'. Is it Lotan? Is that her mum? Please tell your daughter to get a fucking grip. Why are they always proud? What are they so proud of?
Ellie: 'I'm sorry I took you for granted. Did you get train here?' What about the lightbulb! No time for small talk.
'Have you got a tshirt with my name on?' is vainer than 'Are we being funny, mummy?' Get over yourself! If Ellie wins, I'm emigrating. What am I saying, JASON BURILL won last year. Da fuck.
Charlotte and Sue are seething. Ellie 'forgot to ask about her instagram followers.' My heart bleeds.
Kieran's hair, though! Stop that. OMG his mum has come in clutching a picture of a cat. I didn't have Kieran down as a cat lady. If he is, it makes me like him more. Hold on, he wasn't holding the photo when he came in! Is he ashamed of his pussy? Back to hating him again then.
Sue and Simone: 'They're tolerating us.' They're barely doing that.
I was hoping Andrew was going to get reunited with the ferret. No such luck. Drat!
Andrew turned down the letter! Good man. Strong gameplay. Andrew is now making a funny noise. 'Oooooooooh.' Like an old lady with a knee problem. Victim noises!
OMG that's so cruel to do that do a dog! Oh, she took it! Haha. That's not going to go down well. The dog is gorgeous! I'd take the dog over Charlotte's mum. In fact...
Sam: 'How did the dog get here?' Same way you did, but with more elegance and a better vocabulary.
Ellie is not really a pet person, she's just mad for dick. Sorry to slutshame, but who doesn't like animals? Sicko.
Charlotte and Isabelle have to choose between them who can see their temptation. Bit cruel, isn't it?
Charlotte had her mum in there. But Isabelle came in later.
Isabelle is good to let Charlotte do it. She's so strong! Isabelle didn't look when they showed her mum, ha. Oops.
Mandy telling Charlotte not to sit on the fence. Fuck off! Mandy, she needs a cuddle, not a lecture.
I hate Mandy saying what Chanelle said! 'Daddy says, you gave up your job for this. Take them out one by one, start with Chanelle, move onto Sue, then onto Simone.' She shouldn't be allowed to say that! Get out!
Charlotte: 'That was the best fucking five minutes of my life.' Seek help. Has she never had an orgasm or been to an above average pop concert?
Charlotte piping up to Chanelle cos mummy told her to! Pathetic! Ugh! OMG! 'I'm speaking.' Shut the fuck up. Tragic.
Charlotte: 'That's just my face.' About her resting bitch face. Well, that's true.
Charlotte: 'My job is vocal, all I do is argue with people.' Where can I apply for this? I literally just noticed Charlotte's accent for the first time. I've been watching her on TV for weeks!
Kieran and Raph are arguing about a can of spiced rum and cola. Kieran: 'I'm not going getting it, you go get it.' That's the real Kieran. 'Very selective' - just like his personality. 'Goodwill gesture'? Here's a man who's worked in customer service. A goodwill gesture would be fucking off and not looking back, you fake piece of crap. I don't blame Raph for not shaking his hand after the way he spoke.
Simone is admitting about the bottles. Does anyone care about these bottles!? I don't. Oh, Hannah does. Simone: 'I'm not a liar, and I'm not a bad person.' Not so much debatable as untrue.
All the women keen to have balls tonight.
Kieran giving it the old 'fool me once' George Bush fail speech. I was surprised he managed to get it right.
Charlotte crawling to Isabelle. Isabelle: 'I know I'll be out sooner.' Sooner than Charlotte? Actually, on a vote to evict, she will. And that ain't right!
Chanelle and Charlotte are clearing the air. Charlotte doesn't like being referred to as quiet! What the fuck. Try speaking, then. I prefer Charlotte without a personality. What Chanelle said wasn't malicious in the slightest. It was just a sarcastic comment.
You never see the night cameras anymore, do you? Ellie drawing attention to herself and Sam's dick. I hope they have some condoms in there, cos they're not the brightest sparks, are they? The last thing we need is them reproducing.The only temptation for viewers at the moment is the amount of hype about Love Island on the other side. If I didn't despise showmances, I'd be on it like a Sam up a magazine deal.

Big Brother UK 2017: 'You're the best big brother ever'

I just watched Big Brother US and watching BBUK straight after is such a comedown. It feels dirtier than Simone after draining the drink dregs. It's rough as old boots. I'm like Kieran down the clap clinic watching this.
I still find it odd that Sam sleeps in the room with Hannah and the Exiles. He's clearly part of the 'clique'.
Simone is upset she was called 'dangerous', even though she's clearly dangerous as fuck. She will be bundled out like Kim Woodburn within the week, and not just to the David Gest suite. To the bus stop or the court house.
I kind of like Andrew's skinny body, shameful as that is to admit. Shame about his face and voice and personality.
Charlotte sipping that drink and smirking when Andrew mentioned Simone's modelling is your GIF for tonight.
Chanelle and Raph walking off when Simone sat down wasn't cool, even though they're not bitching too badly. They are bitching a little bit.
Oh fuck, I never pay attention to the rules of the shopping task so I've just rewound it. OK, they have to keep the lightbulb lit up but they'll face a range of temptations (sounds familiar). They can also light up a dancefloor. What?! Is this some recycling shit? Some eco-friendly message here, like Ooglies?
Chanelle saw her nana and went 'waaaaa'. Nana: 'You're doing so well.' Chanelle: 'I know.' Ha! I liked Chanelle asking about her rabbits first, then her boyfriend. 'Does he still love me?' I'm glad he does.
Kieran's hair is getting a bit 'Winston' from Steven Goode's year. And that's not a good thing.
Raph's sister is the cutest! Gorgeous. 'You're the best big brother ever.' He might be, but this show isn't. His reaction was cute.
Sue: 'I've had one kick off in the house and you won't see another one.' Okey dokey. Cut to Sue's next kick off in 30 minutes time.
Simone pleased with herself that she can control her anger. Well done, you're a sentient adult (just)!
I keep forgetting Tom is in there now all his lackies have gone. His girlfriend couldn't even be bothered to come in then? No cutch for him! Wales is a bit of a way away, isn't it? 'You need to handle your drink a bit better.' Tell off times! Everyone on Twitter is moaning that Paris was meant to have dumped Tom but then she phoned him. I do not give a fuck about Tom and his lovelife. Zzzzz.
Simone digging Tom out for draining the energy out the lightbulb, ha.
Hannha is seeing her sister Mary. She already has one sister in the house! Greed! Can't Deborah see her as well?
Mary: 'You and Deborah are killing it!' I love Hannah crying. Mary: 'Listen to Deborah!' Mary talks exactly the same! Haha, Mary saying Deborah should get with Kieran. I'm glad Mary said Raph and Chanelle are cool.
I love Hannah telling Deborah her mum is happy with Kieran! Then running to tell Kieran! Then Kieran running after Deborah! Aw! He's not good enough for her, but that was cute. But what about the STDs, bruv? NOT GOOD. Put something on the end of it.
Housemates dancing montage! Standard.
The Exiles and the Clique are united in their hatred for Simone. Sam: 'I've got to get her out, she's doing my head in.' Noms talk! As soon as Simone goes up, she's a goner.
Simone doesn't even get a call, she just gets a letter! 'Dear mam, it was great when you stuck that bread up your arse.' Whatevs, no one cares. Bring back Calum Best's letter from home. Legacy.
Simone's kids are proud of her! Is it because she's not punched anyone in seven days?
Kieran going 'she's still a mother'. So cynical! He doesn't give two fucks about Simone. Andrew saying he's happy Simone got her letter. Lies!
Is Simone reading her apology off a cue card? Andrew is being quite sanctimonious tonight.
Simone admitting to Sue she 'did the bottles'. Sue will rat on her, deffo.
Look at the state of Ellie. Jesus. What is she even crying about? Desperate or what? I thought she'd seen a clip of Sam saying he liked Isabelle but not even. That'll be next. Give your head a wobble! Lay off the Smirnoff Ice. What has Sam even done?
Hannah needs to become a counsellor if she's not already. JOURNEY! Check.
Sue is right that Ellie requires a lot of mollycoddling and it's tiring. Ellie whining that Isabelle is better than her. Yes, she is. Also, put a duvet cover on that bed, you filthy beggars.
Sue criticising Chanelle to Raph. Know your audience! Chanelle has good relationships with the sisters and Isabelle. That would bug the hell out of me if someone said that about me. Most of Chanelle's friends are girls, except Raph.
Hannah having to counsel Chanelle now! Poor Hannah, who counsels her? Chanelle: 'No one sticks up for me.' That is so me, haha. It's horrible when you feel like your friends don't stick up for you.
Isabelle's counselling isn't quite as good as Hannah's. 'Who gives a fuck what a 50 year old woman has to say?' Haha. 'There's a lot of people who look up to you.' Let's not go too far.
Sue comes in the room and Chanelle goes off bawling. Oh, put a sock in it, Sue. I don't really get her strategy, going in there and targeting one of the favourites? Is she trying to topple the favourite to become the favourite? She's trying to take down a dictator but she doesn't have the back up. She doesn't have an army. You can't do it alone, Sue. It doesn't work that way. Not even during hurricane season.

Big Brother UK 2017: Checking the cheese

Sorry no blogs for a bit, it's been a busy old week. Behind on life in general.
I don't like this cunty side of Chanelle. I agree Simone is a mess, but Chanelle should rise above it, not lie down with the dogs.
I actually agree with Charlotte that if you're a nice person, you don't have to tell everyone, but the fact Charlotte mentions 'grabbing her popcorn' says it all. She's merely a spectator in the house. No wonder Simone forgets her name.
Sue and Simone are both total drama queens. The amount of airtime they're getting is annoying.
Stop saying 'don't come for me', Chanelle. You're not Sukhvinder.
Queen task. The public chose Chanelle, Ellie and Deborah to take part in a pageant. Hannah didn't look too happy. Aw, I feel sorry for Hannah! Why would people choose Ellie!? Argh. People don't really like Ellie... do they?
Chanelle saves her farts up and does one a day so the toxins don't go up into the 'oxone layer.' Considerate. Sam is always trying to annoy her!
Chanelle's Manchester song was quite good, wasn't it?! Sort of. God, this episode is hard to blog. This task is boring.
I like how bitter Chanelle is about the whole thing and Ellie getting a higher score than her.
Simone stacked it.
I'm glad Deborah was crowned queen. Chanelle stealing the crown was funny, though. Who coughed 'airtime'? Haha.
Chanelle is being such a diva today. Sue gave the word 'confident' four vowels. I'm sooooo tired of Sue.
Aw I love the facy that Deborah is getting loads of confidence this week. It's nice to see her with a twinkle in her eye.
Ooh, Simone can hear Chanelle slating her through the wall. Simone's garden is worth more than 15 grand. What's in it? Gold gnomes? A magic money tree?
Chanelle looks like she's had extra botox in the house. These days, I wouldn't be surprised if she actually had. I do agree that Simone is playing the victim, but Chanelle is kind of feeding into it. Simone is filth and is trying to get Chanelle to punch her. Even Sue could see it. Chanelle needs to be smart especially as she's on her 'final warning'.
Hannah is comforting Simone for 'ending up in prison.' Didn't they used to not be allowed in with criminal records? Hannah is being good with her. Simone is simply storylining as far as I'm concerned. I have no sympathy for her whatsoever, even though I did feel a little bit sorry for her last night when Isabelle and Chanelle went past her snickering.
Simone is sticking a slice of bread up her bum. Not sure why. 'I didn't ask for the bread with Nutella on it.' Ick.
Raph would not date anyone in the house... aw. Poor loopy Andrew is denied again. He'll still be begging him for hugs later, no doubt.
Sam and Kieran kissing is the least sexy thing on the planet. It's induced lesbianism in me. Sam considers that 'pulling' Kieran. Mind the STDs.
Why is Chanelle so mad about Sue, admittedly talking shit, to Simone? It's got nothing to do with her!
Simone is still saying she didn't hide the bottles. Who gives a fuck about the bottles. I'm just waiting for Big Brother to show it on the screen.
Simone is attention seeking in the hot tub. Ellie is 'checking the cheese' in the store room, ie. snogging jug-eared ignoramus Sam. I love the fact Hannah comes in and checks the tumble dryer, she doesn't just leave them alone! 
Simone is a disgrace and a drunk mess. Someone needs to keep an eye on her. I don't trust the producers to do it.
Andrew: 'It must be hard being so drunk.' Simone walks straight into it. I'm amazed she hasn't been thrown out yet.
I love Hannah trying to save the situation. Simone: 'You're looking at me like I'm a fucking dog' to Andrew. Weeeeeeellll. What is Simone eating? Pineapple.
Simone is always making shit up people say and denying what she has said herself.
Andrew is having a hissy fit. 'She's a dirty person, nah nah nah, she is dangerous, she's fucking vile, I don't like it.' Andrew is mental! He started that, Simone was walking away!
Simone: 'He tried to take the piss out of me because I'm drunk, it's his own fault.' She's kind of right. But also... she is a worry. She is an accident waiting to happen, and Big Brother knows it, and is exploiting her. I don't think I like it either.
Ooh, we did a podcast today! Hopefully a BB19 one coming soon!

The X Factor: In this Matt-rix

What is the X Factor without Cher? Bland.
I like the way the contestants are posing like they're a character to pick in a beat-em-up computer game.
Why is Robbie Williams on my screen two nights in a row? Unacceptable. I didn't know they ever gave lisping Howard Donald a line in Take That songs. Jason Orange always looks the coolest one. Mark Owen can fuck off, the little rat. I don't care if he did win Celeb Big Brother.
Matt: 'do you ever feel like a plastic bag?' WTF. What the hell are these fucking songs? Oh it's Firework! LOL. He's singing it better than Katy Perry did. Shame he looks like half a banana. This song strikes me as quite hard to sing. Why do they give Matt totally unsuitable songs like this to sing? Why don't they give him The Killers or something.
Louis to Matt: 'you've been paying your dues for 17 years.' What, since he was 10? Matt was on first I notice, maybe Simon is really keen for One Direction to get it.
Where are the Christmas songs? Where are the winner's singles? Something doesn't feel right this week. Also, all the songs are by people who've been on the show, or judged on the show. Boo.
Why has Tina from Corrie got so much make-up on? She looks radioactive.
Rebecca's doing the Eurythmics. Great. So current. Rebecca looks like an elegant statue. I would love for her to beat Matt. I don't think it's gonna happen, though.
This bit where they get the auditionees to sing is dire. It;s also a bit unsettling to see that young prostitute in her pants as part of family entertainment.
Shiiiiiit they are dragging this out. LOL One Direction are out! That'll stop that screaming. Rebecca FTW.
Rebecca got through even with the Christina kiss of death. Nice one.
One Direction look like sad puppies being led off to slaughter. I think they talked them up too much. I want to see the room of One Direction fans all looking despondent.
Matt's winner's song: 'a broken fairytale'- yeah, for One Direction. This song is fucking awful. Rebecca could win it if she has a better song. Oh just fuck off Matt, you sweaty old creep. OMG that song blows so bad. What were they thinking? I had learnt all the words by the third chorus, though.
Rebecca's song is better than Matt's but it's still pretty dreary. Oh God, I so hope she gets it.
My boyfriend just saw Christina Aguilera for the first time and went 'Fuck, what happened?'
Take That: haven't we already heard this dirge before?
Ugh, Matt won it. I give it six months before he's slagging off Simon Cowell and going back to his band.
I'm glad Dannii's happy, I like Dannii. But that's about it. I feel empty. EMPTY.

The X Factor: Tonight's going to be a good night (dependant on the ITV player)

Well I've missed the first half an hour of X Factor because my BT vision box just didn't bother to tape it. Thanks! So glad I've wasted weeks on this show only for that to happen.
I've got it working again just in time for One Direction. Lucky, lucky me. They are doing Elton John. Flat. Get the message. Elton doesn't like you.
Fuck this, I'm going to watch the whole thing later; I'm not feeling it halfway through. *time passes* OK, it's just come on ITV player at 10pm. THANKS. I only have to do 30 mins on interwebs, the rest I've got recorded.
WTF the ITV player is starting at the exact point my BT vision box started recording! Did the first part of X Factor disappear into the ether? This is really getting on my fucking nerves. Incidentally, the ITV player is the least intuitive website on the WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET. I think it's got mental problems.
Fuck it then, let's just go with what I've got.
WTF is going on with Cheryl's hair?! She looks like she's just got out the bath. Oh, now it's snowing. Lovely.
Here's how the odds should be: Cher FTW, Rebecca, One Direction, Matt. Here's how the odds are: Matt, One Direction, Rebecca, Cher. See the discrepancy? Boo.
One Direction's mum looks about 20. I don't tend to gaze adoringly into my mother's eyes and say I love you, but maybe I'm just uptight.
The other boys One Direction went to school with must be livid. I bet they were a right bunch of ninnies, especially that blonde one.
Oh I've only missed Matt and Rebecca. I thought I might have missed Cher.
What is Tina from Corrie doing? She looks like she's fallen face-first into the MAC counter.
Oh god, I think I've got the first bit going again now. Are you enjoying this blog? I'm certainly enjoying writing it. *pours another drink* Come on, stay a while, suffer with me.
Matt and Rebecca better be on fucking high wires at this rate.
OK, I'm there, back at the beginning. Everything is right with the world. Voiceover man comforts me. That and the Cava.
Ah... Diva Fever. Memories.
By the way, I know who the duets are, despite trying to avoid it. Was Will.i.am going to duet with Mary if she went through instead? #itsnotafix (ooh, crossover joke)
I feel a bit hungry now, I've waited for so long. I need some hard drugs. Also, the picture quality on this ITV player blows.
Group song. AIDEN! Ahh... his quiff is getting Jedward-esque. Wagner, get us some dope will ya? I don't even smoke it, but I'd do some crack with Phil Mitchell right now if it got me through the next 90 minutes.
Cher is doing a rap about musical chairs. GANGSTA. Matt's out of tune. Uh, this song is reminding me of that Black Eyed Peas atrocity last week. #itshouldneverhavehappened (sorry, I'll stop doing that now)
God, did I really wait three hours for this fucking racket? I think I'll go back to watching people biting their toenails on BBC3. Is it really up to us this week, Dermot? Is it?
I think the fact that Matt Cardle's hat is so popular speaks volumes about the extent of his charisma. Oh, and the fact he's doing Dido.
I can't even fast forward this shit. The imaginatively-named ITV player is 'buffering' a few times already. It's like it's the early 90s all over again.
Judges: Oh Matt, you're so amazing, you're wonderful, the sun shines out of your behind. NO you're a fucking dullard. Go away.
I can hear Stacey Solomon but I can't see her. Nevermind.
Ah, look at Princess Cheryl having a cup of tea in Rebecca's council house. I hope they put down the appropriately-coloured carpet.
Rebecca is being spun round on a giant black cake. Why? Ask Brian Friedman. I don't know what this song is. I like Rebecca, but the style of music just sends me to sleep.
OMG Louis and Cheryl say the same fucking thing every week. 'Likeability factor... you deserve to be there...' Just stick a robot there to say this shit. It'd be more human.
Rebecca's best friend looks just like her! Spooky. I respect that in a friend. All friends should dress the same, it's your little gang.
Ahhh back to my TV and the fast forward button now. Thank fuck. It's not fair, I wouldn't be this drunk if it was 7.30 right now.
Cher. I bet Cheryl was pissed off having to go to two council estates. Aw, bless Cher's brother.
Cher's got her pyjamas on. So have I. WTF is this song? It appears to be about a rubber dolly. Is that a euphemism? Get your freak ON! She should have done that one about doing E, I used to like that one.
This is all over the place and it's still seven billion times more interesting than Matt and Rebecca combined. She feels real. Which is why she won't win.
My computer is mad with me cos I won't plug the battery in. I won't plug that battery in until the bitter end, so nag all you want!
Duets! Matt Cardle and Rhianna! Yeah they seem like they'd go well together... right? Hopefully he's going to do the Eminem rap Cher did last week. Matt's got Dermot's suit on. He looks like he's just shuffled by from parents' evening. Ugh, what is this song? It's like someone's getting murdered.
Rhianna needs to sort that barnet out. Incidentally, I saw an interview with Rhianna recently, and she really was as thick as pigshit. Does she require flames wherever she goes? Matt looks completely out of his depth. Hope he catches fire. Why is he in that fucking suit? It looks highly flammable! Should have gone for the vest again, that was just weird. Matt should have duetted with someone indie. They are making him into something he's not. Perhaps that cunt from the Kooks might have been available.
Rebecca and Xtina also don't go together in the slightest. It's like they're willing her to lose. Rebecca has too much hair tonight. I like her little cape, though.
Christina is looking... busty! I'm sure people will be slagging her off for not looking anorexic as all female popstars should, but she looks good. Her hair's gone haywire. She is just singing AT Rebecca. Rebecca looks like she wants to curtsey.
UGH One Direction are performing with Robbie Williams. Haven't I suffered enough tonight. Their little coloured suits looks silly.
I hate this fucking song, too. Didididididididi is basically how it goes. Robbie looks like he could be their grandfather. Aw bless, they were completely out of tune then. Oh what an 'honour' it is to sing with Robbie. I wish Robbie would DROP FUCKING DEAD.
Oh lawks, what song are Cher and Will gonna murder? I hope it's My Humps. Cher rapping to this Black Eyed Peas song reminds me of when I do Eminem on the karaoke, but I only know the first verse of any given song.
Eh heh! Tonight's gonna be a good night! Tonight's gonna be a good, good night! This song makes me laugh. This is the perkiest I've felt all night. His necklace is rather smashing, too. He must be hot in that coat.
Fuck me, is Rhianna hawking more of her wares on this show? Wow, look at those earrings. They're cool. I'm a fan of ginormous earrings. Is she gonna whip her dressing gown off? OMG she's just got her undies on. Is that appropriate for a family show? What would Widdecombe say?
I like her body (Rhianna's, not Widdecombe). This song is poo poo, though. This dance she's doing is borderline obscene.
Ooh, Xtina's back too. Let's hope she's got some clothes on. Oh. This dance is reminding me of Courtney after a few whiskies. They should rename the show the 'objectification factor'. This song is awful. I like her chewy-looking hair though, actually.
I like it when popstars go a bit fat, too. I think it shows their humanity.
I'm getting so fucking bored with this show now. I think this performance is 0.2% less sexy than Matt Cardle in that vest.
Talking of X Factor, I saw Alexandra Burke being interviewed on TV this week. She is one boring bastard. How the fuck did she win it?
Results! They're kicking one out. Hope it's not Cher. *sadface*
Ick, Matt's still got that suit on. Dermot: 'good luck to everyone.' Might as well say 'good luck nobody.'
Hmm, I wonder who will go through between Matt the plank, and Cher?
Planks rule! Well done, viewers. Pass the razorblades.
Simon: 'there's going to be a shock tonight.' Nice try. See you tomorrow for the bore-off. Night.

The X Factor: Will.you.fuck.off

Four glorious warriors, according to Dermot. I make it nine mediocre singers.
Alexandra Burke is one lucky SOB because she would never have won it this year. I think she needs to reinvestigate getting a fringe, as she's looking a bit Ant McPartlin.
She's flying! Who does she think she is, Jesus Christ? We need Jarvis Cocker to sort this uppity bitch out. Rubbish song, too.
Where's the medley by the contestants? I don't get this Glee thing. It feels like their mics broke for about 30 seconds in the middle of that song. It seemed like no one was singing for a very long time. I don't know anything about Glee except that one in the wheelchair is not really in a wheelchair, and they should have given that job to an actor in a wheelchair. They all look fucking punchable. Lord, what a racket.
Louis and Dannii sneaking back from a cheeky... what?! They don't smoke.
I think the Black Eyes Peas might be one of my most hated bands of all time. Every single song they have sets my teeth on edge.
OMG- is this actually happening? I actually lost the power of speech for a minute there. This sample does not go with this other song. The whole thing is so utterly tuneless, it's melting my brain. I feel like I just took some really bad drugs; like hammers and spanners bad.
Anyway, enough of that self-indulgent old clap trap. On with the results (!)
LOL to Simon's face when One Direction went through.
Boo, wish it was Cher who was safe. Cher should do 'I am what I am'. Or 'I am whatever you say I am'. One or the other.
Mary's got to go. I think she's ready to roll. She seemed confident. I think she's done her best, but no megastar want to team up with her next week. Who would they get, Michael Buble?
Why is Cher doing Britney? That's not very gangsta. She looks like she's blubbing. This sounds like a ballad to me- she poo-pooed ballads yesterday. This song blows. bless her, though, she's like a little sparrow.
Louis, who is the act you're SENDING THROUGH TO THE FINAL, FFS. Don't you understand English? Mind you, why change the rules at this stage. It makes no sense.
Simon will save Cher, I'm sure. And so it was.
I'm sure there's not normally four in the final. Cher FTW.

The X Factor: Club (foot) classics

The night starts here, the night starts here, forget your name, forget your fear. Why, hello, there.
Club classics theme. WTF does that mean? Zombie Nation and Darude?
I am watching half an hour behind to fast forwards the ads as usual. I win!
Dannii looks pretty tonight. Hope Mary goes tonight! I'd like Cher to win now, but I think it's unlikely.
Aw to Rebecca and Boris Becker spending his credit on her. Show Me Love! She's doing a dance tune but not dancing. Dance! She looks great, though. That was quite groovy.
Louis isn't using the oil-slick hair gel this week.
Not sure Cheryl is pulling off that red lippy, and I should know. Ah, it's because of the horrid bronzer. You should always go pale with red lips. Every grunge girl knows that. She looks like a demented air-hostess.
I wish Wagner was still in, he could have done Ebeneezer Goode. LOVELY.
Mary sounds completely out of time! And off. Oh dear. Why are none of the judges commenting on it? I think Louis is on crack: Simon wasn't negative in the slightest.
Aw, Matt's ill. Good, hope he goes this week. You got the love! With a guitar. Don't invoke the memory of Florence and the (Dialysis) Machine (that's my boyfriend's joke, but it's a good 'un). This is actually OK. I think I prefer him raspy. He's got the confetti. It's like he's won Deal or No Deal.
I wanna draw my eyebrows on like Cher! What's this song? She sounds like she's doing Coldplay. She's like a little penguin doing Coldplay. And that's a lot more interesting than Mary. Her lyrics just mentioned the Nintendo 64. Ah... Mario Kart. This song's alright.
I don't like the way Cher has to apologise for her bad attitude. Attitude is a vital component of being a singer. Who is she meant to be deferring to?
One Direction. Zain is fit. The dancey bit over the chorus means they can basically be out of tune, because it's so loud. They should have done Firework by Katy Perry. This is a din.
Second songs. WTF is Matt singing? In which club was this a classic? The failed suicide club? I had to fast forward that it was so horrendous. Matt looks sweaty.
Fuck me, the way Louis talks about Mary is like she's a dog waiting to be put down, not his star turn. Have faith, Louis!
Eek Mary's crumbled. She did a croak! That's known in the business as doing a Waissel. I think Simon just said 'you know' 50 times in one sentence. Dermot: Mary, don't get sad about your dead mother! You're being a downer!
Cher's doing Eminem medley- LOL! 'When a tornado meets a volcano'- this is a bit much, really. But I kind of like it. Her voice sounded good at the end.
Cher shall not change for love nor money! FU Dannii.
Rebecca. Since when was Amazing Grace a club classic? Where's the washing machine/ food blender? Louis, where is your rule book when we need it?
One Direction are doing Snow Patrol. They are singing it better than Gary Lightbody does; mind you, that's not difficult. I think my second favourite One Direction is the little brown-haired one with a bowl cut.
Judges to everyone: 'you really deserve your place in the final'. Well, they can't all get there. So get off the fence why don't yer?
Want your vote to make a difference? Vote Cher. Mary; please come to customer services.

The X Factor: I've got the poison (I've got the remedy)

Double elimination! Surely Katie's gotta go tonight.
I think The Wanted need to waltz off. At least they're proving their not miming by being so out of tune. They are like One Direction's grand dads. Is there a good looking one? Negative. One of them looks like the dude out of the Social Network, one looks like David Platt, and one looks like an alcoholic ex-boyfriend I had a few years back. What a treat.
I don't know much about Justin Beiber except he looks like he needs a good slap. At least he's miming. It's like Peter Beale has drunk too much red bull and done a song and dance routine at Christmas. I've heard less vocoder on 'do you belieeeeeeeve in life after love?'
Nicole Sch.... she's got the poison (I've got the remedy). Why has ever single pop song from Bieber to Perry to Rhianna got a cheesy pathetic 90s trance beat on it right now? it's even got the washing machine sound effect on it. It sucks. She looks like a 60-year-old dominatrix in that get up.
When did Louis's hair turn black? He looks like he's been using engine oil for hair gel. Did Dermot just say 'you did three of One Direction?' Nicole talks exactly like Michael Jackson. Weird.
I'm grumpy now cos we're cooking a roast and it's burning. DAMN YOU OVEN. Who will go? I think it will be Katie and Mary. Well, ideally.
Why did Cheryl look shocked Rebecca got through? Matt and his incredibly flat face are through. Cher's getting some booage. Why?
Fuck, Wagner's in the bottom three! Boo.
Katie is a goner. Finally! Aw shame she didn't get to do a final sing off really. Wagner is a GONER. The judges have been gunning for him for weeks.
Wagner; unforgettable. Well, for about a month. He looks like he's enjoying himself, anyway.
Mary's got a boob tattoo! She's come out fighting. This is better than anything she's done for a while.
Wagbo's mum and dad; united in grief. Touching stuff.
Louis could have said his name right as he sent him home, ffs. Shouldn't he have abstained?
Wagner is such a gent! He's a really good sport. Sucks that Chezza is the nail in his coffin.
Well that's it then. Like a bat out of hell, he's gone.

The X Factor: Rock off

Rock night. I hope they are doing heavy metal, rather than indie pop and calling it rock. I don't like Dermot's suit for starters.
Ooh, Wagner's first. They deffo got the knives out. Aw, Wagner is a cat lover. I knew he was a decent bloke.
Wagner's doing Creep. Well, apart from the fact I never want to hear it again, it's the perfect choice. He's actually singing it good, too! This is ace. He almost sang it in time, too. It seemed very short, though! That was Wagner's best song ever.
Dannii is calling Wagner a creep. Cheryl's got Jordan's make up on tonight. Simon, the song is not called 'I'm a creep'. Louis, neither are the words, 'I'm a winner'- it's 'weirdo', love. Little Thom Yorke is amused, I'm sure (if he's watching from his eco-house). Either way, I like Wagner more than Simon, Louis, Cheryl and Dannii combined.
One Direction doing Bryan Adams; ugh. It would have been better to give them something a bit indie, a bit more edgy like The Libertines or something (snort). This is 12 different kinds of shit; their target audience don't know this song.
I don't like the way Mary is singing this song, and I don't mind it normally (even though it's U2).
Not sure what Cher's singing but it sounds like a tape slowly getting chewed up in a car stereo. She looks about 12 with what she's wearing too. The rap was the best bit.
OMH look at her blusher! It's like how a mental person would put makeup on. I like her lipstick, though. Shame she's such an arsehole. Even the way she asked for people to vote for her was shirty. Was that an Avril Lavigne song? Rawk.
Rebecca. U2 AGAIN. Fuck off. she's doing a jazz version. She should try screaming, it might suit her. This is drab.
Matt is falling on his arse again, this week I see. These shouty ones do nothing for him, his voice just gets lost. He really should be doing Coldplay. Or Travis.
LOL Katie's doing Kings of Leon. Behold the fire! WOO! Backing vocals agogo. This is making me pine for Aiden, he would have smashed rock week. Her voice is too reedy for rock, this reminds me of Jamie Afro's faux rock (frock). All the 'wooing' and 'come on's. Not I won't come on.
Oh, Simon, please crawl out of her arse, you're losing any modicum of credibility you ever had. Cheryl: 'you got into character'. Being a rock singer isn't some sort of hat you can pput on. Her hair looks horrible as well, I'm missing the blonde bird's nest.
Oh Jesus Christ, they're all performing again! I'm going to get a drink. My boyfriend is having a nap and just woke up and I told him they're doing another song and he went back to bed.
Wagner won the first round! Which is why they put him at the start, so people could conveniently forget that he was actually alright. Boo!
Wagner does seem to be more in tune this week, even on this second song. Weird. LOL it had a Harry Hill ending.
WTF are One Direction singing?! This isn't rock. This is cock, not rock. I'd love for them to be in the bottom two. DRIPPY.
I hate MARY. I just do. FAST FORWARD.
Rebecca: I hate this song.
Katie: Everybody Hurts. Hmm. I'm losing the will to live. Simon was a bit unfair on her really; she sang it well, it's not her fault she only gets a minute to sing it.
Matt: ugh. Simon: 'genius'. Oh, do shut up.
Cher's been playing dress up again. I hate this song too. In fact; I hate my life.
Oh Cheryl, just get off with Cher already. Zzzz.
Right: I'm waking my boyfriend up. I think he had the right idea.

The X Factor: A crab came up and pinched your feet

So after Take That, JLS and Westlife last week (all shit, but all quite famous) this week we get Olly Murs. What's with this rubbish ska direction he's gone in? 'A crab came up and pinched your feet!' WTF.
He looks and sounds like Will Young, but with less hair. I find adding height to your hair when you're balding doesn't help. The clothes are dreadful. WHO IS BUYING THIS? It is dire! It is beyond dire. I think this might be the worst song I've ever heard.
I don't like all these 'Idol gives back' rip off things. It's just a dumb entertainment show, let's not pretend otherwise.
They are miming this song. Miming it! Why?! OMG Aiden. Oh, Aiden. Where's Wagner? It's the perfect time to give him a line to sing; when everyone's miming.
Katie's through! Was it the hair that did it? She didn't get booed either.
LOL Cher in the bottom two over Wagner! CHERYL'S FACE! Priceless. Priceless! I love it, because it reminds the judges we are in control, not them. I think Cher's good but she's too cocky. Dannii's face and Louis's face was good too. Shocker!
BYE PAIJE.
Cher sang the most 'loved song of all time' and was still in the bottom.
I like this song Paije is doing. Is Cher seriously going to do the song she did a couple of weeks ago? That shouldn't be allowed. Paije is actually singing this really well! Wow, he's really going for it! Didn't know he had it in him.
I'd like Cher to go in a way just to take Cheryl down a peg or two; she's been unbearable this week. Rise up Wagner fans!
I can't believe she's singing this again! She didn't even have to learn another song. Rubbish.
Cher looks like a snivelling little child. I wouldn't be surprised if Louis saves Paije and takes it to deadlock. He's a cheeky one! He likes the drama.
Ah, well he did the right thing. Cher is much more watchable than Paije, despite everything.
Katie and Wagner WILL NOT DIE. Could Wagner make the final? We decide, not the judges. Don't forget it!

The X Factor: When I dream, I dream of your vest

After the utter irrelevance of Elton John week, comes the tawdry cash-in of Beatles week. I can't stand the Beatles, or anyone who likes them. Do you know how many times I've had someone say to me 'You don't like the Beatles?!' like I've just said I like sucking off dogs. No I don't like the Beatles, they have no relevance to my life whatsoever. I'm sure to their generation they were great; fine, keep it to your generation and don't expect me to bow and scrape at the altar of Fab Macca, because I won't. It says nothing to be about my life. There's a lot of variety, and I'm sure the songs are well-written, but there's no heart to it as far as I'm concerned.
UGH Macca. Toady old twonk. I prefer Heather. Thumb aloft; now fuck off.
Matt. Zzz. Every act I'm just gonna think 'where's Aiden?'
OMG what is Matt doing? He's wearing a vest- not sure he's got the body for it. Sounds like he's got a frog in his throat. I hate this song. I hate ALL BEATLES songs. At least he's doing something different, I guess. His gigantic face just gets on my nerves, though.
Ooh, Louis doesn't like it. Louis has spoken! And Louis is a fan of a man in a vest, I'm guessing.
God I wish they'd take the audience out and shoot them one by one, tbh. Dannii: 'that performance was dripping.' Quite.
Cher is a ruthless little thing. I don't think she'll win it, actually. IMAGINE. Even I know that's not The Beatles. I fucking hate Imagine, too. Is she gonna do a rap in it? They should bring Yoko on to do a rap.
Why is she sitting on the spiral staircase from Carla's flat in Corrie? Is she gonna fly like Prince? Look at her little legs. Simon looks bored to fuck. Louis is gunning for Cher right now. Cher looks like she's going to nut him.
I like the little dark one in One Direction. He's got lovely long eyelashes. I thought their performance was quite good actually. For a manufactured band, they work well together. Dannii is slagging off the one I like! STFU. The crowd situation is fucking dumb; the acts can't even hear what the judges are saying.
Rebecca. Stunning. Lovely. good voice. Turgid song. Louis's right; she is classy. What's up Dannii's (collapsed) nose this week?
My boyfriend just said 'I wonder what Aiden would have done this week?' SOB. My friend emailed last to say 'deleted X Factor out the planner the second Aiden went'. I admire her stance.
OMG are people still saying 'there's something about Mary?' Pass the gun, dear. I confess, I fast forwarded Mary. Look how happy Louis looks when Simon pays him a compliment!
Looking at Paije there when Aiden isn't probably hurts the most. UNDESERVED. Let it be! I can play this on a keyboard. That and 'oh when the saints'. And 'you fill up my senses.' That's my full repertoire, though.
Wow, Paige has got fireworks, a choir, all he needs now is THE X FACTOR.
LOL to Louis. 'Lenny Henry... Martin Luther... Marvin Gaye.' Next week Paige will be 50 Cent!
Wagbo! Ah, a medley. Of course. Seriously, I'm better on karaoke than this dude, and I'm completely flat. Hey Jude is about the only tolerable Beatles song; well, no more. That Ju-ju-judy bit was good though!
WTF is Dannii on about? WOW did you see that look Cheryl gave Wagner?! She's one ruthless BITCH. That will keep him in for another week, guaranteed. Nasty. Wagner's come back to Cheryl was PERFECT. Saying she had 'the manners of a princess' after she just spoke to him like that - lush.
Katie, you're getting your 'stick' and your 'schtick' mixed up. You'll confuse my friend Adam- we spent a whole evening explaining that to him once.
Help! Katie looks like a little monkey with that wig on. It is a wig... right? I like her dress and falsh eyelashes. It's a bit of a dreary version of this song.
VOTE AIDEN! Oh.

The X Factor: Take That and Tsunami

Why does it look like they're miming on the group song?! What IS this song?
I like Jack the Lad Swing in the most part, they're fairly harmless (except that 'sound of music song'). Hope Marvin from JLS is OK after breaking up with 'the one' who he went out with for a whole seven months. I find if someone is 'the one' it's worth hanging onto them.
What's with the earplugs? This song blows. It's both schmaltzy and rubbish.
Talking of which, here's Westlife. The gay one looks fat. The main one is trying to hide his Steve McDonald receeding hairline with a mohawk. Where's Brian McFadden? Oh. What are they wearing, they've all got flasher macs on.
What's Louis's drinking that's got line floating in it?! That's not going to quench your thirst, Dermot.
Take That. All I can ever think of is that documentary they did and the four of them were waiting in a room for that cunt to turn up and he never did. How he's got the gall to come crawling back after all the things he's said about them baffles me. He doesn't need them. They don't need him. The whole thing is mystifying.
BODIES IN THE BODHI TREE. God, I'd like to punch that arsehole. Every movement he makes infuriates me. I can't explain how angry he makes me! I HATE HIM. If I could wipe him off the planet with a single thought, I would. I'd obliterate that cocky, nasty, egotistical, ugly, revolting, money-grabbing, talentless, rudebox-singing WANKER off the planet. I hope Noel Gallagher is watching in disgust.
This song blows as well. Westlife's song was the best!
I can't even look Mark Owen in the eye these days. When did Howard Donald become the dishiest? Gary looks fat and old.
OMG I think this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen on TV. I've never seen anything so earnestly bad in all my life. They're all kind of shouting it into each other's faces. Did we really wait 15 years for this?
WAGNER'S through! Lols. I thought he had a better week this week!
FUCK. Why is Aiden in the bottom two? Katie: your time is up, love.
Don't dream it's over! if Katie stays over Aiden, there really will be a lynching about to happen. He looks like he's got his dad's trousers on. I like the end, it was good. He's all awkward and wonderful.
I don't mind this song Katie's singing. She always does a better second song. But enough is enough. Minnie Mouse, send Katie home, ffs.
Simon is dragging this out too much, it's cruel. WTF. Aiden better not go.
Deadlock. Surely Aiden can't be less popular than Katie!
OMFG please tell me that didn't just happen. Is this a bad dream? He has got ACTUAL TALENT! This is fucking bullshit. Fucking PAIJE IS STILL THERE, FFS.
'What's next for you?' A beer.
Katie needs to hire a bodyguard. I blame Simon Cowell. I hope he's enjoying the drama. I AM FUMING! This is a travesty. First Adam Lambert, then Ben from Big Brother, now this!

The X Factor: Ban Elton

Why the FUCK are they doing Elton John week? Elton can't stand them! I can only think of three songs of his, and one is Circle of Life. It's meant to be a modern show, ffs. Fuck Elton John. Don't pander to that old buzzard. Even Elton admitted he can't compete in the charts anymore. So why are we bothering?
Bet Matt does Your Song!
Paige has got the death box. Ooh, his part in Harry Potter was good. That's enough fame for one man alone. I think Paije's voice is better than usual this week, and he looks qood in his pink jacket, but I just can't be bothered with him.
It's not Paije's fault he wasn't born when that song was out! No one was (except Louis).
I think Dannii's been on the booze before the show, she's a bit lively tonight. Who wouldn't want to put their hand over Louis's mouth?
Why is Aiden on second? I get him. Well, I'd like to. I think he's got Paije's jacket on by mistake. I like it when he sings flat and out the corner of his mouth. I like all of it, really. He makes me dribble. Why isn't Dannii on her feet? She was for Paije. I like it when Aiden pulls that embarrassed 'vote for me' face.
I'm trying to work out if Simon saying 'it's Louis wrong time of the month' is sexist.
Mary shouldn't be doing Circle of Life, she should be doing something from the Little Mermaid because she looks like the baddie in it. I think she's totally lost it, TBH. I never liked her anyway. I like the star in her hair, though.
They are so blatantly doing this Elton John week just to kiss up to him, it makes me sick. I wish they would get with it and have 90s week (that's how current I am).
OMG Katie's had her roots done; well, if that IS her real hair.
Oh no, it's not cos the roots are back. What is the deal with her barnet? She should come out with it all sleek one day. I think she looks good today. I can't bear these songs though. The dance routines make me fucking cringe, too. Brian Friedman needs putting somewhere out the way.
Liked Simon almost saying 'you're not principled' instead of 'you're not predictable' to Katie.
Everything Katie says makes me feel embarrassed for her. But it's not her fault, it's just how she is, invoking the Pride of Britain, and talking about being true to herself.
Matt's going to give it 110%. is the 10% his hat? Hmm, he's not doing Your Song. Must be Wagner then. NOT REALLY. Cher, obv.
Matt looks like Derren Brown with a cold this week. His face just gets on my nerves. WTF is this song? Fuck you, Elton, you have ruined this show. And you're not even having to sit through it. 44 albums?! That's not quality control.
My boyfriend just said Matt sang that well. Ugh. Don't want to hear it! He leaves me cold (Matt- not my boyfriend).
Cher bear! She looks more like Cheryl than ever this week with the neutral make-up; I prefer her in a neon lipstick. I actually like her voice and I like her rapping. She's different! She's obviously a little madam, but so what? She's a zillion times more interesting than Joe Mcelderry or Alexandra Burke.
Why are they filling before Wagner! Louis's hoping for 'brilliant singing'. LOL! I hope Elton John turns on his TV RIGHT NOW whilst Wagner's on. Well, you know, get David Furnish to do it for him.
Wagner is the lion king! Didn't Mary just do Circle of Life?! Oh, no, same thing though. Don't want to think about Lion King- made me sad when Moustafa died (sorry if you've never seen it).
Dannii is saying 'more talking that singing' but it worked for Jarvis Cocker all these years. PS: can someone buy me Pulp tickets, please?
It's VAGNER, Louis. I love it when he says that. Honestly, no other country in the world would let Louis be on TV, let alone speak.
Why are one Direction standing on top of 'The Cube' (ie. the rectangular cuboid?) Loving the moody shots of them in the background, very subtle.
I can't hear a word any of the judges are saying. NO ONE HAS DONE YOUR SONG YET.
I like Rebecca, I like her voice, and she's stunning, but is it really going to be Rebecca and Matt in the final? I'd much prefer Cher and Aiden.
I like Rebecca's lacy gloves. I might start wearing little lacy gloves around the house. No one has done Your Song! WTF. That is literally his ONLY DECENT SONG. They're doing Sandals in the Bin instead! Even Diana is turning in her grave.
I like Rebecca's chandelier earrings too. She is lovely, and it's been nice watching her blossom. She's just... (whisper it) a bit boring.
I hope you don't mind... well I do mind! Why did no one do Your Song? FAIL.

The X Factor: Bring back Leon Jackson

Ooh loving Dannii's lips. Cheryl is dressed like something out of Dynasty. Maybe the divorce settlement just came through.
Group song! Hope they've turned Wagner's mic down. Paije is pulling some funny faces. Cher looks good.
I'm surprised they've got Shayne Ward on, I thought they'd sold him down the river long ago. I always liked Shayne, he was just a genuinely decent guy who just seemed very well mannered even though he came from a dodgy background. But it does make me pine for Leon Jackson, who I also loved, and who they DID sell down the river. The mini Josh Hartnett must be fuming. They SHOULD support their winners; if they don't, who the fuck will? Leon is worth 450 Joe McEdlerry's.
Careful up there, Shayne. It looks precarious. This song is fucking duff. Did it take three years to write? He's still handsome but I prefer him without the beard.
'It's not about where I've been'- I'm sure that's because he's been sitting in his pants watching Jeremy Kyle.
So let's see how Kylie's incredible floating eyebrow is doing. The woman is 42! That makes me feel ancient. She just looks like a waxy child. I wish she'd just be a teensy bit more natural.
My boyfriend said this song sounds like a Scissor Sisters b-side. I think it sounds like something off her disappointing 2nd album. Let's face it, her high points were Confide in Me and Where the Wild Roses Grow. This song's even worse than Shayne Ward's.
I hope they send that miserable old bint Mary home. There's a lot of neon lipstick on the go tonight. I approve.
Ooh Cheryl seething at Wagner going through! That's the public she's sneering at, basically.
Katie and Treyc in the bottom two. Katie looks like a tattered old fairy out of the christmas decorations box in the attic.
Ooh Katie's fluffed it! LOL to her dramatics. She goes 'sod it' and then sits down in the middle of her song. I think she's funny. I also fear it's over for her.
UNBREAK MY HEART. Put Katie through. Treyc- go back to the call centre. You might have X Factor there, but not in my living room. She sounds off. Fabulous lips, though.
Bit cruel making Cheryl vote second. Bit stupid, too. It's just flim-flam. Dermot 'that's part of your job description.' Jobsworth. He's worse than Louis.
Dannii 'you're both off to the top ten.' Bullshit.
Wow, Treyc went. LOL. Katie FTW!

The X Factor: Divs in America

My TV is taping things 15 minutes late and screwed me out of 15 mins of TV Burp! Mean.
Why does Dermot wear that same gross suit every week? And why is Louis wearing the same outfit?
Cher's on first! Death box. I think her eyebrows are getting a bit out of hand. She needs to modify her stencil. OMG I hate this fucking song so much. Fuck Alicia Keys to hell. There's some cunt on a rickshaw. Why? Who is she being cuddled by? I think Brian Friedman needs to get off the crack. Cher looks pretty; she was a bit off but she's alright.
Dannii looks like she's come out wearing a blankee. We have a shiny blankee like that. When I wrap myself up in it, I feel like a Quality Street.
Cher- don't agree with Simon's criticism, especially in that slot, love.
Dermot has now pointed out he's wearing the same thing as Louis, thereby making my observation null and void.
Mary is off as well, she seems nervous. She's out of time and out of tune. I hope the judges don't soft-soap her. But they will. I can picture Mary running a wing in Holloway. Looks like she wants to go home to me. Ooh, Dannii's hair looks better tonight. Mind you,it couldn't have looked worse.
I see Simon hasn't got his sparkly poppy on tonight, but the common-or-garden paper poppy.
My Bt Vision box just screwed up. Better not have lost me Aiden!
Katie's still not done her roots. Even I'm getting mine done this week. This performance is too copycat in my opinion. It's like Stars in Your Eyes. They should bring back Stars in Your Eyes. Harry Hill could present it.
I like Katie crying on the bed in the background, very moving. Her outfit looks awful! Her hair looks gross. I don't think leather trousers look good on anyone. And waistcoats are rank.
Wow, we just saw the Alexandra Palace fireworks from our window! It was loads more entertaining than the X Factor.
AIDEN. Swoon. I don't think he's ever looked better. Don't set him on fire. He is literally smouldering. He is smiling, but it's scary smiling. He missed all the best lines out of that song. Sinead O Connor isn't a yank. My boyf says it Prince. I don't remember him ever singing it.
Paige: some of this got cut off by my BT Vision box but I liked the Outcast bit and I hate that song.
What is Rebecca singing? It sounds boring as fuck. Her eyebrows look ginormous too. She looks good though, and I know she's a good singer, I just find her a bit boring now. I'm not sure she's going to go as far as the judges think. I'm not sure 'eulogies' from the judges should be so praised either!
Wagner seems to be singing better this week than normal, to be honest. My mum will be going mad because she loves Elvis but I'm not bothered. Wagner: 'If sometimes I sing out of tune or out of time, I'm only human.' if only the other contestants could be so honest.
Matt. OMG I hate this song, it makes me want to retch. and it's grammatically incorrect. Does Matt look a bit like Derren Brown? Everyone's crying. Stop snivelling, Matt! Louis stop pointing that biro at everyone. I also don't think Matt will go as far as the judges say.
This song Treyc is singing reminds me of Jade Goody dying. Her and Tweed danced to it at their wedding and I watched the whole harrowing thing and nearly ended up in hospital that day so it's got bad memories.
One Direction. It's all a bit Glee for my liking. Have they hit puberty yet?
That's all folks. See you for Shayne Ward tomorrow. And that bit of Harry Hill I missed.

The X Factor: RIP Bellamy

Bon Jovi! Bad medicine is what I need. My mum will be enjoying this. Let's take bets on if John's hair is real or not. I think it's about as real as Brian Molko's. In fact their band logo looks a bit like the Placebo wings.
I'm trying to think of something more embarrassing that this but can't.
Richie Sambora/ Johnny Marr- I can't tell them apart.
Has Richie Sambora got a Halloween mask on? WTF has he pumped into his face! JBJ still looks good for his age, though. I used to LURVE him when I was 11.
Ugh, the return of the space cowboy. Just what nobody wanted. My favourite all time Jamiroqui moment was when he got headbutted by that photographer. Happy days. He's like the bastard son of Aphex Twin and the Cat in the Hat. Just fuck off. I mean, who likes this kind of music? If you find a fan of his do them a favour and break their neck gently in their sleep.
'I've had reservations about coming on the show'- what a cocky arsehole. It's not like you have any credibility to lose. He's not fit to do backing dancing for Cheryl Cole.
Rihanna. Couldn't be arsed to go to her 'best friend's' wedding, but time to mime on the X Factor. I hope I can one day have a friendship that strong.
Rihanna's got all shit dancey beats all over her songs like Katy Perry now. Actually she's not miming. I can't tell you how I noticed that.
She does look good though. I like her look generally, she's all mismatched. I'm not even gonna comment on that 'food fight'.
Boo- don't want Katie in the bottom two- want it to be Treyc! What is Katie wearing? Will she ever sort her hair out? You decide.
Belle Amie should go on the basis of how they sung last night, they were DIRE.
Oh an advert for a Bon Jovi gig. What a coincidence!
That blonde one in Belle Amie looks like their mum. I like the red haired one. This chorus is screechy. Can we get rid of them now?
Katie's singing was ten billion times better than Belle Amie's. End of story.
Deadlock! Let's see if Belle Amie are less popular than Katie. YES! LOL. Katie was better!
DEADLOCK FTW.

The Axe Factor - Haunted by you

I'm meant to be at a Halloween party dressed as half of Jedward tonight but I'm still not fully well. So someone else is being John. Or Edward. I'm as interchangeable as they are. Mind you, at the same party last year I drank two bottles of cheap champagne and hurled in the bath, so maybe it's for the best.
I can't really be arsed with Halloween. What's the point? You don't get presents or a day off. I like my holidays self-indulgent.
Liking Simon's fangs! Sexy times. Why aren't Cheryl and Dannii done up goth-style?
Mary has borrowed Alfie's moon for the night. Could it be magic? No.
Aiden 2nd! What is there to look forward to after that? Ooh the guyliner. The clock going backwards. He's not looking up today. I think he's compelling every time he's on that stage. Kept expecting the dancers to move though!
Now Aiden knows how it feels when MEN go 'smile love!' patronisingly to women on the street. Sucks, doesn't it.
Belle Amie sound badly out of tune tonight. Woo! This song isn't spooky. WTF is Simon on?! They were completely out of tune.
Rebecca is doing Chris Isaacs. How is this scary? Is it cos it has the word 'wicked' in it? Should have done Jungle is Massive instead. I like her lipstick. Oh the old 'world class' comment.
Treyc. Take That again- so I guess she can't blame the song if she goes out. I'm not sure if I hate could it be magic more than relight my fire. Don't talk back to Dannii, minion.
Matt is doing Bleeding Love. I've got an indie cover of it, I can't remember who it's by, though. He sounds like he's spluttering all over that mic. Perhaps he's adding in a bit of beatbox. Dannii is being quite fiesty tonight.
Louis still can't get Wagner's name right. This is the song the judges come onto at the start! What's it going to turn into? Bat out of hell! Lawks. Don't save us from those flames.
Paige! I just don't like his voice. I actually like Back to Black but he didn't do it justice whatsoever. I see Dannii is modelling herself on Dr Foster from Lie to Me in the VT clips this week. Well done if you got this reference at home (as Richard would say on Pointless).
The Daily Mail interviewed Katie's mum this week and titled the article something like 'Why does everyone hate Katie Weasel?' NICE! Honestly, as if going through Cherie Blair's bins wasn't enough.
Well Katie looks good but I have no idea what this song is. Woo! Her beehive has got it's own co-ordinates this week. I like her make-up, it's cool. I've always liked her. Being obnoxious and different isn't a bad thing.
Being One Direction is. TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES. Wow, this song is a tune. Their make up is a bit duff but I fancy some red mascara. Liking the drum machine. This is actually ace. That shouldn't have worked... but it did. The dark-haired one is a fittie.
OMFG I am psychic! I guessed Cher was going to do this song! I used to have this on tape. How did I guess that?! It must have been the moon in the video. My boyfriend is totally unimpressed I just guessed this out of about a trillion songs.
She sounds a little shaky but not too bad. I think she's proved her mettle. Cher's gone Kate Bush. I like her eyeshadow and her goth nightie, it's cute. She's gone for the full Tim Burton this week. Used to love this song so much. The rest of the album was duff, though.
Simon, it's not a 'season', it's a 'series', dear. That was NOT better than Aiden. Sowwee.
Belle Amie or Wagner to go tomorrow. Right; I'm off on my broomstick.