The X Factor: Take That and Tsunami

Why does it look like they're miming on the group song?! What IS this song?
I like Jack the Lad Swing in the most part, they're fairly harmless (except that 'sound of music song'). Hope Marvin from JLS is OK after breaking up with 'the one' who he went out with for a whole seven months. I find if someone is 'the one' it's worth hanging onto them.
What's with the earplugs? This song blows. It's both schmaltzy and rubbish.
Talking of which, here's Westlife. The gay one looks fat. The main one is trying to hide his Steve McDonald receeding hairline with a mohawk. Where's Brian McFadden? Oh. What are they wearing, they've all got flasher macs on.
What's Louis's drinking that's got line floating in it?! That's not going to quench your thirst, Dermot.
Take That. All I can ever think of is that documentary they did and the four of them were waiting in a room for that cunt to turn up and he never did. How he's got the gall to come crawling back after all the things he's said about them baffles me. He doesn't need them. They don't need him. The whole thing is mystifying.
BODIES IN THE BODHI TREE. God, I'd like to punch that arsehole. Every movement he makes infuriates me. I can't explain how angry he makes me! I HATE HIM. If I could wipe him off the planet with a single thought, I would. I'd obliterate that cocky, nasty, egotistical, ugly, revolting, money-grabbing, talentless, rudebox-singing WANKER off the planet. I hope Noel Gallagher is watching in disgust.
This song blows as well. Westlife's song was the best!
I can't even look Mark Owen in the eye these days. When did Howard Donald become the dishiest? Gary looks fat and old.
OMG I think this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen on TV. I've never seen anything so earnestly bad in all my life. They're all kind of shouting it into each other's faces. Did we really wait 15 years for this?
WAGNER'S through! Lols. I thought he had a better week this week!
FUCK. Why is Aiden in the bottom two? Katie: your time is up, love.
Don't dream it's over! if Katie stays over Aiden, there really will be a lynching about to happen. He looks like he's got his dad's trousers on. I like the end, it was good. He's all awkward and wonderful.
I don't mind this song Katie's singing. She always does a better second song. But enough is enough. Minnie Mouse, send Katie home, ffs.
Simon is dragging this out too much, it's cruel. WTF. Aiden better not go.
Deadlock. Surely Aiden can't be less popular than Katie!
OMFG please tell me that didn't just happen. Is this a bad dream? He has got ACTUAL TALENT! This is fucking bullshit. Fucking PAIJE IS STILL THERE, FFS.
'What's next for you?' A beer.
Katie needs to hire a bodyguard. I blame Simon Cowell. I hope he's enjoying the drama. I AM FUMING! This is a travesty. First Adam Lambert, then Ben from Big Brother, now this!

The Brit Awards 2010: Worse than you could have imagined

I am watching this PURELY to complain about it. It can't be as bad as the Soap Awards; can it?
Lily Allen- her singing voice doesn't go up or down, it's just one level. Bleeped out swearing. She looks nervous and you can hear her gasping for air between lines, but I quite like that. She's come dressed like Linda Lusardi.
Peter Kay is hosting! He's so hot right now. It IS 2003, right? Doesn't look like he's been taking the Jimmy Carr approach to fitness. His jokes are clunking and his microphone is cutting out. Great start.
Sam Fox- wow, they've got all the big names. This is going really smoothly. The Spice girls! Well, Mel B and Geri. I thought it was Baby. Woah, look at Mel B's undercut! That's edgy for someone in her mid-forties.
British Male Solo Artist introduced by someone I don't know. Dizzie Rascal was the best of those options, which is saying something indeed. 'OLIYDAY! Dizzie is wearing the same suit as Peter Kay. Recognise!
JLS (Jack the Lad Swing, for those who don't know) descend from heaven on strings. I like this song, it's dead catchy! I'm serious!
Urgh- Fearne is 'reporting' from back stage! Stand up and be patronised.
Here's Mel B... again. Undercut! I used to have an undercut, it was obligatory growing up in Northampton. You got it at the same time as you got issued your Doc Martins and German army shirt.
Best International Male Artist. Should be Eminem! Will be Jay-Z. Yes, it's Jay-Z, an extraordinarily ugly man. He's got 99 problems, but good looks aint one of them, you sexist arsehole. Go put a ring on it, dumbass. They're a match made in misogyny heaven, him and Bouncy.
Next up, Noddy Holder. God, is that the sound of a barrel being scraped? For fuck's sake, the Yanks get Russell Brand presenting their awards shows, and in Europe at least Placebo show up. What do we get? Alexandra Burke? This is bullshit.
Liam Gallagher won something and they bleeped out his speech. Just brilliant. Even the ageing pastiche of rock and roll has been rubbed out. Then Kay called Liam a knobhead! At least Liam Gallagher is fun to laugh at.
Oh God, Kasabian. Fetch me a drink. *mutes TV*
And here's Geri Halliwell AGAIN. Dear oh dear, this is dire. Breakthrough artist. JLS. Good. At least it's not Florence or La Roux, the po-faced old bints.
OMG Courtney just showed up. She looks rather sheep-like with that straggly hair. I'm seeing her tomorrow! Glad she's standing. Don't get too smashed tonight, Ms. Love! She gave the award to someone boring who talked for too long.
Lady Gaga! Not as gaga as Courtney no matter how many stupid things you wear. This is interminable. Stop trying to be Elton John and go do something 'outrageous'. Is she doing Vogue? No love for P-p-p-poker face? Oh just fuck off.
OMG don't make Courtney stand next to Geri Halliwell. Not good.
Ooh sorry I fell asleep. Best British Band! Kasabian! Wooo! They are fucking dreadful. Well done people. Their speech was pretty much bleeped out. Doubt if we missed much.
Peter Kay appears to hate music. Mind you, he is at The Brits. I can't get anything funny out of this show! The Soap Awards WAS better!
Gaga just won something. Highest hair? I think she's blubbing. Someone else thanked 'Ferdy' earlier. Much love to Amira's dad!
Oh fuck me, it's a duet with Dizzie and Florence and the Machine! It's like Christmas Day TOTP all over again. What do the boys in the hood think about this? Very little I'd imagine. Get back in your coffin, Florence. You're not ripe yet!
OMG. What is Jonathan Ross doing? Someone have a word. International Female Solo Arist. Lady Gargoyle. Didn't she just win it? Thanks to Ferdy again, many thanks Ferdy. Thanks for the dowry.
Oh fucking hell, they've just dug up Shirley Bassey. This is the longest 2 hours of my life and there's still 45 mins to go.
Oh Lily Allen's got an orange wig on. ZANY! Mind you, she really deserves it, whatever it is (hopefully a good kicking).
OMG ALICIA KEYS. WITH JAY Z. Hand me the gun. Mute x ten billion, but you can't mute her smug little face (you can, it's called the off button).
GAGAGAGAGAGAGA. She just LOVES her fans.
Geordie hate! Not allowed to do an Ashley Cole joke, Peter? I reckon Russell Brand would have still gone for it. It goes without saying, but Tweedy should dump idiot box. And if she doesn't, she's a fucking twat. Once is a mistake. Twice and he's taking the mickey out of you, Chez. I saw a comment about that this week that said 'you don't have to fight for real love, Cheryl' and aint that the truth.
WOW she's miming REALLY badly! It's like watching a dodgy DVD that's slightly behind. She looks deranged and very toothy. Lily Allen didn't mime!
Aw, there's Alan Carr! Why didn't he present the whole thing? Peter Kay is USELESS.
JLS won again. They look like they're dressed for meeting their bank manger.
What IS that song that goes 'these girls fall like dominoes'?! It sounds OFFENSIVE!
Florence won best album. Great if you like whale music sung by middle-aged goths. If you do like whale music sung by middle-aged goths, I can also recommend Enya.
And here's some words to put fear into your heart: 'Robbie Williams doing a lovely medley after the break.' Bodies in the bodhi tree! Bodies of my family! GENIUS. Robbie looks blitzed. He's gurning. From drugs, not adrenaline. He literally sang EVERY song he's ever released. No wonder he's high! This section has lasted about 45 years, you'd need to be on speed to stay up for it.
OK that's enough. Not one good song. Just 5 seconds of Courtney Love was not enough to put up with that shitstorm of wankery.
Controversial? I've seen more controversial episodes of Live at Studio Five. And Peter Kay, your time is up. Get your coat and fuck right off.

Top of the Pops Christmas special: There's a she-wolf in the closet

A Christmas special before I get drunk! My gift to you, mainly because nobody loves me and I'm spending Christmas alone in a bedsit (with the man I love!) Warning: I may break the profanity barrier with this one.
Stop telling me what's coming up! This is where Andi Peti went wrong with this show, no one in their right mind wants to know what's coming up, as they wouldn't watch another minute. Leave it mysterious!!!
I have never heard 95% of these songs. It's fun being out of touch with pop music! This has got a good beat (if only).
Alexandra Burke has nice hair.
Why is the bloke from One True Voice singing with Dizzeeeeeee Rascal? Is he keeping it real? Dizzee is a fucking sell out. This is truly music for munts.
The Saturdays. Well, by Friday life has killed me.
Muse have come dressed in the comedy style, something they've also been applying to their albums for a few years now. Plug in Baby, I miss you.
La Roux just have this one song, right? Her voice is so shrill! Weeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeee. Shut up.
Sugababes. I've got diabetes.
JLS. I like JLS, they seem like well-brought up young men and their dancing is amusing. Aston Merrygold has a very festive name. This is one the mums can enjoy.
Florence and the (rage against the) Machine. She looks like she smells of lavender. Is she trying to out-shrill La Roux? Her lyrics make Dizzee Rascal look poetic. She looks like an old goth who's just crawled out of a coffin. Go crawl back in. (I do like one of hers, but it aint this one).
Diversity aint a pop group! This is diluting the brand. I do fancy that one though. No not THAT one, you sick fucker.
Have Kasabian got Johnny Marr on guitar? I wouldn't put it past the old tart. This is abominable. Nice comedy wigs though. Just putting 'fire' in the title doesn't make you Kings of Leon you know, and even they can take their beards and fuck off. Fearne, I need your music recommendations like I need to be locked in a room with Peaches Geldof giving me her home-spun philosophy on Pink Floyd and crop circles.
Seems like going 'ooooh' is pretty much order of the day. Apart from Shakira who went Aaowoooo! And mentioned lycanthropy and coffee machines. Her lyrics are truly a joy. When she's the best thing on a show about music, be afraid.
Robbie Williams was reading his 'lyrics' off an autocue. Wow, this song is really bad, I didn't realise he'd got this bad. 'Hysterical, historical...' fuck off. You look like a haggard fucking old lizardy talentless cunt. Die.
And for your Christmas number one, I bring you a song that was an embarrassment to all involved when I was 13 years old and is now an internet embarrassment sixteen years later. Is there a radio edit? Oh they cut off the end. Fearne sounded bitter about it! LOL. Mysteriously we couldn't 'sing along' to most of it as we had been allowed for the rest of the show. Motherfuckers.
No little Joe Mceldry? You have denied the grans that with their Christmas lunch? You heartless bastards. Now go get drunk whilst I have a little cry.

The X Factor: First Live Show

Hands up who's sick of that Little Britain voiceover guy? He's on the adverts, he's on the quiz shows, he's probably even the fucking banker on Deal. Well, I'm sick of his schtick. He's more omnipotent than talk about the credit crunch. He's about as cutting edge as a night out with Duffy. So, perfect for the X Factor really.
So, let's get it out of the way early; I miss Sharon. I miss the unpredictability that she might punch someone. Cheryl and Dannii aren't going to punch each other, much as the producers would have us believe they want to. Cheryl is alright, don't get me wrong, but with her monotone accent and Dannii Minogue's mooing, it's like they are having a competition to see who sounds most like a geezer-bird. (I apologise for the use of the word bird, but it fitted with geezer nicely)
Dermot declared it 'a great honour' to go first; actually, it's normally first on, first out, so not so great. Here goes something:
GIRL BAND: Louis nodded furiously. They sounded flat and their dancing was stiff. The song had no high notes or low notes, lucky for them. They are quite ordinary, and the Quality-Street dresses were duff too. Why were the judges so kind?
AUSTIN (Allegro): Androgyny! I'm a boy and he's a girl and all that. Might look good in a dress? Did Sting which was unpleasant. Sang it OK but nothing to get excited about, despite his leather trousers. I kind of fancy him, and am kind of repulsed by him, so it's a weird mixture.
DANIEL: This years sob story (tm). He seems lovely but X factor? Non! Not with a name as catchy as Daniel Evans. Oh God, flat as the battery on my laptop (still dead!) Awful song. Styling. Dated. Dreadful. Haha Louis compared him to Ricky Gervais taking the piss! Meow! It's not 'sob story' Idol, Dannii. Next!
ALEXANDRA: Last week I wanted the little blonde Samanda lookalike in instead of Alexandra, but I have to say, she does have a good voice, the best so far, certainly. Sparkly! Diva! Pretty! But still a bit boring.
JLS: What does JLS stand for? I demand to know! Oh, they said. Jack the lad swing??? What the fuck? Are they dyslexic? I thought their voices sounded quite reedy tonight, but I thought they were alright in the auditions. Is it me, or do they all look quite... petite?
SCOTT: Just what the world needs, another Shane Ritchie! SWING! I can just about deal with schwing! when it was Leon Jackson dishing it out like a cut-price but still fuckable Josh Harnett. Shane Richie's love-child and I have to draw the line. SHIT! '110%'!!! Check! 110% was not enough in this case, peculiarly.
RACHEL: Oh dear. I know she's a cunt but even she didn't deserve being made into a cut-price Gabrielle. Her hair was nice before! Frowny, shrieky, shit outfit, dreadful dancing. Simon looked like I felt. Shame, as she has a fantastic voice, even if she looks like she will nut you if you look at her the wrong way. I wasn't buying her 'thank you, that's been taken on board' replies to the comments. It was like a robot giving you a kiss. Dannii fucked this one good and proper.
DIANA: My favourite by a country mile. There is actually something unusual about her; i.e. she does appear to have some star quality, or this mythical X Factor. Thank god she's ditched that frosty pink lipstick. Fuck, they gave her U2! And still she did it. She's great, fuck you Dannii saying she overdid the quirky. She IS quirky, i.e. not bland like you.
BAD LASHES: I think Bat for Lashes may have something to say about this band name, but I don't think she needs to worry quite yet. What are bad lashes anyway? Naughty lashes! Behave! Ooh Roxette! Power ballad city. They seem more sexy than Girl Band, a bit more rough around the edges, which I like. Cheryl called them 'spunky'. Simon rolled out the 'eating water' description again. He's used that one before, as Bad Lashes rightly (and impressively) pointed out just as I was writing it. Can we pull his string for a new metaphor?
EOGHAN: Try texting that in! Oh fucking hell, fucking IMAGINE! FUCK OFF IMAGINE! If I NEVER hear Imagine EVER AGAIN I will still wish John Lennon has been shot ten years before he wrote the fucking thing. I'd rather listen to the Frog Chorus. And yes, I have said that before. I've got Simon Cowell disease. I actually like Eoghan (or OWEN, if you're confused and reading this) though. He's good. Danni cracking onto him! Trying to steal Mrs. O's crown. Naughty!
RUTH: I just cannot, cannot, cannot bring myself to care. Ooh, Spanish. So what? AVERAGE! Ooh, Stars in Your Eyes ending, they havent had one of those for a while. PS. Ruth doesn't sound like a very Spanish name to me.
LAURA: Oh God, Alicia Keys. I want to punch Alicia Keys in the face. Her and Jack White could happily be sent to the fucking moon and left there if I had my way, the pair of vain, boring bastards. But anyway, this is about Laura. Despite Alicia, she has one of the best voices in the competition. Only Diana to beat for her.
Urgh, Dermot said 'cracking'! This is my number one pet hate of the moment.
Results show... mm, Leon flashback. He's the fittest midget ever! Drool! Mr Blister, who are you backing this year? There's no real Rhydian campness, is there?
I liked the fact they made the bottom two sing different songs as it's such a fast-forward fest when they sing the same song again. Ooh, deadlock. 'Citing.
Bad Lashes shouldn't have gone!!! I liked them. I liked the one with the big face, and I liked the one who had hair a bit like me. And I even liked their mild murdering of Wonderwall!
Well, it's certainly not like the British public to make the wrong choice is it? Much! Booo.