I am watching this PURELY to complain about it. It can't be as bad as the Soap Awards; can it?
Lily Allen- her singing voice doesn't go up or down, it's just one level. Bleeped out swearing. She looks nervous and you can hear her gasping for air between lines, but I quite like that. She's come dressed like Linda Lusardi.
Peter Kay is hosting! He's so hot right now. It IS 2003, right? Doesn't look like he's been taking the Jimmy Carr approach to fitness. His jokes are clunking and his microphone is cutting out. Great start.
Sam Fox- wow, they've got all the big names. This is going really smoothly. The Spice girls! Well, Mel B and Geri. I thought it was Baby. Woah, look at Mel B's undercut! That's edgy for someone in her mid-forties.
British Male Solo Artist introduced by someone I don't know. Dizzie Rascal was the best of those options, which is saying something indeed. 'OLIYDAY! Dizzie is wearing the same suit as Peter Kay. Recognise!
JLS (Jack the Lad Swing, for those who don't know) descend from heaven on strings. I like this song, it's dead catchy! I'm serious!
Urgh- Fearne is 'reporting' from back stage! Stand up and be patronised.
Here's Mel B... again. Undercut! I used to have an undercut, it was obligatory growing up in Northampton. You got it at the same time as you got issued your Doc Martins and German army shirt.
Best International Male Artist. Should be Eminem! Will be Jay-Z. Yes, it's Jay-Z, an extraordinarily ugly man. He's got 99 problems, but good looks aint one of them, you sexist arsehole. Go put a ring on it, dumbass. They're a match made in misogyny heaven, him and Bouncy.
Next up, Noddy Holder. God, is that the sound of a barrel being scraped? For fuck's sake, the Yanks get Russell Brand presenting their awards shows, and in Europe at least Placebo show up. What do we get? Alexandra Burke? This is bullshit.
Liam Gallagher won something and they bleeped out his speech. Just brilliant. Even the ageing pastiche of rock and roll has been rubbed out. Then Kay called Liam a knobhead! At least Liam Gallagher is fun to laugh at.
Oh God, Kasabian. Fetch me a drink. *mutes TV*
And here's Geri Halliwell AGAIN. Dear oh dear, this is dire. Breakthrough artist. JLS. Good. At least it's not Florence or La Roux, the po-faced old bints.
OMG Courtney just showed up. She looks rather sheep-like with that straggly hair. I'm seeing her tomorrow! Glad she's standing. Don't get too smashed tonight, Ms. Love! She gave the award to someone boring who talked for too long.
Lady Gaga! Not as gaga as Courtney no matter how many stupid things you wear. This is interminable. Stop trying to be Elton John and go do something 'outrageous'. Is she doing Vogue? No love for P-p-p-poker face? Oh just fuck off.
OMG don't make Courtney stand next to Geri Halliwell. Not good.
Ooh sorry I fell asleep. Best British Band! Kasabian! Wooo! They are fucking dreadful. Well done people. Their speech was pretty much bleeped out. Doubt if we missed much.
Peter Kay appears to hate music. Mind you, he is at The Brits. I can't get anything funny out of this show! The Soap Awards WAS better!
Gaga just won something. Highest hair? I think she's blubbing. Someone else thanked 'Ferdy' earlier. Much love to Amira's dad!
Oh fuck me, it's a duet with Dizzie and Florence and the Machine! It's like Christmas Day TOTP all over again. What do the boys in the hood think about this? Very little I'd imagine. Get back in your coffin, Florence. You're not ripe yet!
OMG. What is Jonathan Ross doing? Someone have a word. International Female Solo Arist. Lady Gargoyle. Didn't she just win it? Thanks to Ferdy again, many thanks Ferdy. Thanks for the dowry.
Oh fucking hell, they've just dug up Shirley Bassey. This is the longest 2 hours of my life and there's still 45 mins to go.
Oh Lily Allen's got an orange wig on. ZANY! Mind you, she really deserves it, whatever it is (hopefully a good kicking).
OMG ALICIA KEYS. WITH JAY Z. Hand me the gun. Mute x ten billion, but you can't mute her smug little face (you can, it's called the off button).
GAGAGAGAGAGAGA. She just LOVES her fans.
Geordie hate! Not allowed to do an Ashley Cole joke, Peter? I reckon Russell Brand would have still gone for it. It goes without saying, but Tweedy should dump idiot box. And if she doesn't, she's a fucking twat. Once is a mistake. Twice and he's taking the mickey out of you, Chez. I saw a comment about that this week that said 'you don't have to fight for real love, Cheryl' and aint that the truth.
WOW she's miming REALLY badly! It's like watching a dodgy DVD that's slightly behind. She looks deranged and very toothy. Lily Allen didn't mime!
Aw, there's Alan Carr! Why didn't he present the whole thing? Peter Kay is USELESS.
JLS won again. They look like they're dressed for meeting their bank manger.
What IS that song that goes 'these girls fall like dominoes'?! It sounds OFFENSIVE!
Florence won best album. Great if you like whale music sung by middle-aged goths. If you do like whale music sung by middle-aged goths, I can also recommend Enya.
And here's some words to put fear into your heart: 'Robbie Williams doing a lovely medley after the break.' Bodies in the bodhi tree! Bodies of my family! GENIUS. Robbie looks blitzed. He's gurning. From drugs, not adrenaline. He literally sang EVERY song he's ever released. No wonder he's high! This section has lasted about 45 years, you'd need to be on speed to stay up for it.
OK that's enough. Not one good song. Just 5 seconds of Courtney Love was not enough to put up with that shitstorm of wankery.
Controversial? I've seen more controversial episodes of Live at Studio Five. And Peter Kay, your time is up. Get your coat and fuck right off.