Evening! I'm continuing a seven year tradition of sitting through something I hate just to slag it off - actually, that's my entire social life. James Corden is doing the same thing I see; trouble is, both he and I are running out of jokes for this fucking sorry mess - and at least that fat cunt's getting paid for it. The pressure's on as I read last year's blog today and there were at least four or five funny jokes in it. Shit. Have I lost my touch? Has James? Take my hand. Let's see what's what. Maybe they'll surprise us all and put on a glorious spectacle, a feast for the eyes and ears, a magical evening of wonder? Come on! I know it's gonna happen someday.
OK, back to reality. I have a drink here. I am watching half an hour behind. So I'm starting off in a good mood. Then I see James Corden and wonder, why have they booked him the past three or four years in a row? I have fresh beef with Corden this year, which is actually my own fault, but for some reason I decided to listen to his Desert Island Discs at some point last year - to laugh at his taste in music, I suppose. Imagine my abject horror (and I was trying to go to sleep at the time) when one of the songs he chooses is Bright Eyes! I was wide awake (it's morning) for the next three hours (there was a joke there, but only Bright Eyes fans like me AND JAMES *grits teeth* will get it.) True enough it was First Day of my Life, the dullest Bright Eyes song you could ever choose. Why not a Poetic Retelling of an Unfortunate Seduction, James? Why not that? But still. The thought me and the Michelin man are both chirruping along in our cars to hackneyed lyrics like 'I'd rather be working for a pay check than waiting to win the lottery...' was enough to turn me cold and give me a good bout of insomnia. So yeah, I got beef. I got previous. You could say I brought it on myself. But I didn't KNOW. I thought my tastes were so goddamn counter culture (Placebo and Morrissey are still cool, right?) that James Corden would NOT KNOW. But he did know. And now I am the same as him. We are fans together.
But at least I'm not taking the dirty money of The Brits. How can a publically-declared Bright Eyes fan stand there in front of 1D and Ellie Goulding and pretend to look cheerful? I see you, James! I know your game. I see you. *taps head, Limmy-style*
Anyway. I'm lying because I haven't even seen James Corden yet. I can see dude from Arctic Monkeys though. I know they're meant to be good and everything but I could never get behind them. Too much hype and NME hype at that. I feel like the singer takes himself too seriously, and look at them all in 'uniform'. It's like Coldplay. But let's face it, this tuneless dirge is probably the high point of the night. I thought it was The Killers at first. No such luck.
Oh James Corden is on fire. *insert joke here* Oh he is looking fat again. I thought he'd gone skinnier. He looks like he's got fake tan on. I put my fingers in my ears when he said what was coming up because if I knew, I would smash my TV to pieces with a hammer.
The Brit Awards statue looks like motorised saw. Saws. Fire. We could have a dead James Corden on our hands yet, as long as health and safety procedures have been sloppily applied. Here's hoping.
Can I fast forward yet? No. Wait for the adverts.
Who the fuck are Third Eye Girl? I thought Third Eye Blind were bad enough. Aw, there's little Prince. What's his deal? James Corden is making me cringe, interrupting Prince. Who does he think he is? Hold on, I hate Prince. Ok, the nominees are for British Female Solo Artist. I won't bore you with the nominees but this year instead of Emile Sande we get Laura Mvula. Only one black person at a time, for God's sake. Don't want to scare people. No need to worry, as public schoolgirl Ellie Goulding won. Who votes for this shit? She has got the most enormous face. She should be on the side of Mount Rushmore. I kind of gave up insulting people's looks a bit, as people can't help how they're born and all that, plus I'm getting fatter and older, but for tonight I'll MAKE AN EXCEPTION because I'm having to suffer through this bullshit. Buyer beware!
Fucking hell man, who is writing James's jokes?! 'Going to the toilet in pairs'?! Is that the best he can do? He's worse than last year, I swear.
Hold up, Katy Perry's just turned up, don't tell Andrew Sachs, he'll probably call the Daily Mail complaining about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Oh it's one of her songs with no tune. Oh, wait, there's a dancey bit. Bring out the washing machine. Don't make her hit a high note, though FFS. She's got a pyramid on the stage *cough* Illuminati. I think I'd be 'going to the toilet in pairs' ie. snorting coke with my fingers in my ears (is that physically possible?) whilst this shit is on, too.
I actually feel a bit sorry for Corden at this point. His jokes are so bad they aren't even arousing anger, just pity. I mean this blog is bad, but making jokes about wearing the same outfit as Katy Perry? Oh, Lord.
Kylie and Pharrel have turned up, having a smug off. Best international male artist. Surely Pharrel himself is in the running, genius that he is? I can't spell his name. I'm not looking it up. Fuck him and Daft Punk. Eminem's in the running. I'm guessing he hasn't shown up, so he's not going to win it. Ah, it's Bruno 'I'd catch a grenade for you' Mars. Apparently he likes tweeting about The Jeremy Kyle show. I'm following someone on Twitter called Semtex who also likes tweeting about The Jeremy Kyle show. I'll find one of his tweets for you, as it's more entertaining than listening to this 'speech', ah, here we go: 'Why give this lumpy shitsplat the time of day? Nothing is going to be resolved here.' Kind of how I feel about The Brits.
I'll give that cunt Corden one thing, as least he can pronounce David Bowie right, which is more than my James who lives in this house can do.
Oh, Tinie Tempah and Fearne 'Fame Skillz' Cotton have just turned up. The Daily Mail ran a full page article this week about how Prince William shouldn't have high fived Tinie at some event or other. I'm against high fiving myself, but they seem to think shooting boar is JUST FINE AND DANDY. Just don't make physical contact with the 'rappers'. They're introducing Best British Breakthrough Act. It's Bastille. Congratulations to Dan, Chris, someone and Woody. Yeah, well done you. You're the new Mumford and Sons. Hold on, the lead singer looks like Jack 'Shilpa's a cunt' Tweed. In fact the band seems to consist of Jack Tweed, Roddy Woomble, Nick Grimshaw and the singer from Elbow. Bastille bloke: 'this time last year I don't think anyone thought we would be here.' This time two minutes ago I didn't know who the fuck you were, even though I remember you being on the godforsaken Christmas TOTP, but am not admitting it.
I was just going to go and get another drink, but then I thought, no, I'm not wasting good (well, Glens) vodka on this shit, so I'm drinking a Diet Pepsi instead. How's that for rock n roll?
One Direction seem like they're having a blast. James Corden plugging Nectar points. This gets more anarchic by the minute. Have 1D been paid not to smile? The second ugliest one is wearing a Stone Roses t-shirt. I bet even Ian Brown can sing better than that joker.
James Corden just described Bruno Mars as 'the greatest showman performing anywhere in the world right now.' What about CONOR OBERST, James?!!! He's even looking up from his keyboard nowadays! You TRAITOR. I just fast forwarded through Bruno, so that's one ad break lost. Fuck. I'm gonna catch up, aren't I? This is like some sick race. I feel like Jesse/Aaron Paul (same thing) in Breaking Bad/Need for Speed, clutching my steering wheel and screaming. WHEN WILL IT END!!! Take me back to the meth lab!
I still don't know who Rudimental are, but some people I know went to their gig last week. They look like they're dressed entirely from Shop Jeen, which is no bad thing. I love Shop Jeen. 'If people are going to remember this record in 20 years...' Un-fucking-likely.
Oh god, did James Corden REALLY just make THAT joke (mixing up Lily Allen and her baby)? Even my blog wouldn't stoop so low (not true, I make those sorts of jokes all the time). Lily Allen looks skinny. I hope she hasn't been starving herself on Katie Hopkins account. Best British group. Two of the nominees were Disclosure and Rudimental, neither of which I'd heard of before last week. So Arctic Monkeys have won and are making a joke about One Direction. But are they really so different? It's all just pop pap. Props to the sparing us the 'list of names read out' though. At last, some mercy.
Who's this dude who looks like James Arthur with the dude from Arctic Monkey's quiff? Doesn't he get to make a speech?
I am not even commenting on this 'something for the fans' patronising bullshit because it's just designed to wind me up.
It must be nice to be the 'stunningly beautiful' Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley (except for having to sleep with Jason Statham and all that). Funny how no man gets introduced as the 'super sexy... blah blah' isn't it? Sigh.
One Direction are winning the Global Success award. What's that when it's at home? Harry Styles isn't even bothering to go on stage. 1D are reading out a list of names, against Chief Arctic Monkey's specific instructions. Harry was in the loo. Is he sniffing? One is on crutches.
I think this might be the most boring Brit Awards ever, and I forwarded through Bruno Mars. I'm not even angry. I'm just cowed, like Corden. We're both too old for this game. We're like old war horses that need taking out the back and shooting.
Oh, lock up Tom and Jerry, top ranking lizard 'Mrs Carter' is gracing us with her heavenly presence. No human looks that attractive; she's definitely on the babies blood. She's a good advert for it, too. We are truly blessed to even have her on our TV screens; who could forget her back catalogue of killer lyrics like 'do you pay my automo-bills?' and referring to herself as 'it'. Bow down to Queen Beyonce, who isn't content with an outfit unless she endangers at least 15 species in the process. She probably ordered the killing of that poor fucking giraffe Marius just to make her next pair of baby booties.
To be fair to the horrible, beautiful Cruella De Ville Illuminati princess, this has been the best performance of the night, but then she hasn't exactly had much competition. It was probably in her contract that everyone else had to be crap.
Did they write James's 'Beyonce - shit' line? GENIUS. Oh, James. Come with me, just come this way. I've got something to tell you. Beyonce wants you skinned and made into an ugly rug. Just stand against this wall and close your eyes.
Katy Perry is plugging her tour and giving out an award for best British single. One option is Olly Murs. I'm not even joking. Rudimental have won. I do know this song. I just don't like it. It's not even drum and bass, it's like drum and bass for old people who can't dance that fast. It should have been Olly! At least his heart skip, skip, skip, skips a beat.
Oh, piss off Arctic Monkeys, you've had your five minutes.
Performing together now, are Disclosure and Lorde. I don't know who these people are. Oh, just what we needed, another Florence. Brilliant. Nicola Roberts solo work is preferable to this. Dance music you can't dance to - it's the pits. Oh someone else has just come out who seems a bit more lively. Perhaps this is the Disclosure part. Disclosure makes me think of conspiracy theories. Oh, this is like some sub-rave, electro rubbish. It's better than Lordes, or whatever she's called, but only just. The 'disclosure' is, she's miming.
Bastille are dressed entirely in t-shirts from Topman. Has no one got one with an eagle and the number 69 on it? I'd rather cut my own fingers off than listen to this meaningless shit.
FUCK, James Corden just nicked my Nick Grimshaw joke. GREAT. We really ARE fucked together. I made it like, an hour ago, but no one knows because I'm blogging and not tweeting, like a modern person. The benefit of blogging of course, is I don't have to argue with people about my opinion, I just give it to you, and you can lump it. Everyone's a winner.
Nicole Scherzinger is nominating the best International Group. Finally, James, Bright Eyes are going to get the acknowledgement they deserve. Oh no, it's Daft Punk. I think that new Daft Punk album was possibly one of the worst albums I've ever heard in my life. And I used to have the second Bros album. Actually, that's a good album.
James Corden is mentioning Lassiters to Kylie. I mentioned Lassiters just this week. I think I am turning into James Corden. I'm the new Matt Horne.
Oh fuck, I just caught up. I'm now in 'live play'. I think I did quite well really. Maybe it will let me have a new go on Candy Crush now (I love jumping on a trend just as it dies a death). What sort of sick fuck of a game bans you from playing it for half an hour; and you LET IT? Mental.
This Disclosure prick just said 'everyone on blogs and websites were getting really excited about our album and we were just like, settle.' OK, I'm settled. Your album is horrible and your live set is crap. Is that better? Fuckwit.
Ellie Goulding is singing now. She's in her bra, but she's not sexy in any way, shape or form, even though she's pretty with a good body. I don't know why. She's like a robot. I don't think she has feelings. If she did, she would spare us this.
WTF why has Noel Gallagher just turned up? Are they paying him? He doesn't need the money. At least he had the good grace to call it 'shit'. Kate Moss has turned up to collect an award for David Bowie. JARETH. Don't speak again, Kate. Don't ever speak.
Ugh, the real Nick Grimshaw has just shown up and snogged James Corden. Emetophobics beware.
I've had to turn down the bit where James Corden is talking to Pharrell because it was making me cringe too much, then Keith Lemon popped up, so there's that.
Jimmy Carr just showed up. Another joke about drugs. Zzzzz. Doing drugs is a lot more fun that hearing jokes about them, that's for sure.
Video of the year, as voted by Twitter: One Direction. Great trolling, Twitter. Thumbs up.
I had to turn down that Nick Grimshaw/ Rudimental bit as it was so dreadful. But it did give some time to read through my blog and relive the whole fucking nightmare.
Running out of steam? Me? Never! Ok, album of the year. Emile Sande has shown up (presumably Laura Mvula has left). Arctic Monkeys have won. Maybe now they'll name everyone at their record label. The moment we've all been waiting for. One at the back looks embarrassed. This speech is worse than the record label one, really. Glass ceiling? I don't see too many women rockers onstage. Well, any. Since Courtney. The microphone has been dropped. Super. Is it over now?
I'm turning off this last bit. I've suffered enough. This is like a final punch in the face. Same time next year? See you there, James. It's just you and me, kiddo.
Showing posts with label The Brit Awards. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Brit Awards. Show all posts
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
The Brit Awards 2012: The cream of the crap
I've blogged the Brit awards a mind-boggling four years in a row. The world is spinning round fast, isn't it? Perhaps I've mellowed and I'll enjoy it this year. What? James Corden is presenting again? Only Keith Lemon (an imaginary but still highly irritating person) is more odious. He's doing the spin-off show? I'll go stick some broken glass up my nose after instead of watching that.
I'm drinking Babycham. I think I might need something stronger. OK, here we go. It's Coldplay! Apparently Courtney Love is friends with Gloopy Paltrow. Can you imagine Courtney hanging out with Chris Martin? Or Beyonce? Scarecrow dreams indeed. Who do you think is the bigger dictator, Chris Martin or Gary Barlow? Only one way to find out, etc.
They should get Russell Brand to present this bag of crap. I'm tired of Adele going I wont do this, I won't do that, I'll never sing again, I'll never write about emotions again, I'll never wear a shapeless black lacy dress again, blah, blah, blah. Go away and never do these things again, then. I keep seeing you everywhere. I did like that pic of her cuddling those Grammys though, it was cute. She should have thrown one at Chris Brown.
Whitney. Is she British now? No? Move along, then.
Florence and the Machine. I never realised the 'machine' was imaginary, I just thought she kept them well hidden, like behind a curtain or something. Can I get away with the dialysis machine joke again? It's not even my joke. Her face looks like it is hanging off, she's got worse jowls than Karl Lagerfield (tm. Alan Carr). Her voice is like a thousand bottles being thrown into a skip and then fed through a mincer. I saw someone accidentally fall into a woodchipping machine on 1000 ways to die, and then spray his workmate with his bloody little human bone chips instead of woodchips. Florence could do the soundtrack to that sort of horror with her eyes closed.
Mentions of Adele so far. 2. Best female solo artist. Kate Bush?! WTF. Anyone but Jessie J. Anyone but Jessie J. Oh, it's Adele. What a surprise. She looks quite lithe. She talks like the proper London girls I know. I like that London accent, it's very genuine.
Talking of lithe, I thought I read James Corden had lost weight? Maybe they just meant that little goblin he used to hang around with.
Good reading off a card, Jack Whitehall. Who the fuck is Aloe Blacc? Sounds like something your mum sends you to buy down Holland and Barrett. Ryan Adams, that's a bit of a curveball. Jessie J just did a 'brrappppp'. You could get chucked out of the Big Brother house for less than that.
I don't get the Bruno Mars thing. He looks like a little dweeb and his music is tragic. He hasn't even got the mooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
That guy walking in front of James Corden provided the biggest laugh of the night so far. Next time, try hiring a comedian.
OLLY MURS. Fucking hell. Forget the crab pinching his feet, that's the sound of a barrel being scraped, reggae-style. When will Olly bring out his range of cooking sauces? More to the point, when will Levi Roots release a single?
I didn't think we were this hard up for talent. Where's Jedward when you need them?
My boyfriend just said 'this is a good song.' about Olly Murs. He's either being deeply ironic or he's gone fucking nuts. My Sky Plus box just skipped-skipped-skipped 2 and a half minutes of that.
Is James Corden still going 'shabba'? I called him out on that dated bollocks last year.
This conversation between Cordy and Jessie J is super-stilted. Seriously, I can't STAND Jessie J. I think that The Voice UK is going to be completely unwatchable, which is a shame as the US version is AMAZING. Tom Jones is even more disgusting than Keith Lemon. Will.i.am (or Mr Adams, as the Daily Mail calls him) is beyond parody. The guy from The Script might be our only hope. At least I don't hate him already.
Now my boyfriend is going 'this is your sort of thing' about some ginger hobbit thing. This is about as far away from 'my sort of thing' as child molesting.
Tinie Tempah (if indeed that's how you spell it). So many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. The end.
What did One Direction just win? Most patronising lyrics? My boyfriend said that song should be renamed 'From Paedos to a Child.' I don't know what he's trying to say. Why are they dressed like snooker players? Looks like Gary Barlow has dressed them.
I'm not even going to comment on Jensen Button. Let's look at these wonderful international female role models. Rhianna. Beyonce. Feist (I know who that is, but 99.8% of that audience don't). Gargoyle.
Is Jessie J sitting with Danny Wallace? Rhianna is thick as pig-shit. I am constantly disappointed by that woman. I've tried so hard to make allowances for her, and not be a victim-blaming dickhead, but there's no getting around it. She's just a dimlo.
My boyfriend just said, 'who is this Ed Sheeran? I don't want his name ever mentioned in this house ever again.' Fair comment.
Noel Gallagher. I'm only interested if he's doing a bolshy interview. Otherwise, he can get off the stage. Oh God, Chris Martin is tinkling the ivories. I need Apple's baby headphones like at that rubbish Live Aid to block out the din (dins).
James Corden: 'tonight is the night that celebrates the best of the musical talent.' But sadly they couldn't make it.
Winehouse tribute. Well, at least she's British. And she's got that London girl accent. I'm surprised Mitch didn't come on and cover one of her tunes 'out of respect'.
Oh, there's Graham from Coronation Street. Also dressed by Gary Barlow. Liked his joke about putting on weight. It's not like Tina has upgraded by going for Tommy Duckworth.
What's Ed Sheeran winning? Worst haircut? Didn't lose his virginity until he was famous award? Most likely to be found in the shade on holiday?
Best British Group. Huey from Fun Loving Criminals is presenting this award. They've got all the top stars, haven't they? Wasn't he on 'It's me or the dog' a couple of years back? It was something like that. I saw Martin Rossiter on a home improvement show once, too. I'm hoping to see Brian Molko on the celebrity version of Pointless soon.
Elbow, lol. I liked it when Jason Grimshaw was singing Elbow songs in Corrie the other day. Jason Grimshaw would never like Elbow. He'd like David Guetta or something. Just to clarify, I hate Elbow. Just to clarify, I hate everything.
One of Coldplay is chewing gum. I hope his mum is watching the TV and poking herself in the eye with a knitting needle.
I actually laughed at Cordy's PJ Harvey and Duncan joke. The shame.
Does Adele just have that one dress? She's like Bart Simpson. I like Adele's personality and her attitude. I just don't like her music. I think she's cute, though. Her voice sounds a bit off today.
LOL Brian May. He's everywhere these days. His hair looks like a tired cobweb. Are Jay Z and Kanye West 'an international group'? How about The Killers? Foo Fighters. Fuck off. Dave Grohl can't even be arsed to do the thank you video. Courtney was right about him.
If you like this Bruno Mars dude, go get your hearing and your eyesight checked out, and then come back and apologise to all of us one by one.
There's not even been a medley tonight. Not even a fucking medley. Cunts!
Lana Del Rey is the first thing I've liked. And I only like two of hers. I think her voice is good, but over a whole album it was a bit annoying. I hope she sings, though. I like the one that goes 'I'm scared you won't be waiting on the other side', it's quite nice.
I hope that disgusting thug isn't there with Rhianna. I heard we didn't let him in the country last time, but I'm sure we'll forgive him and give him an ickle cuddle sooner or later. As if we don't have enough scumbags of our own we could deport. I think Rhianna is so off her head, she doesn't know what day of the week it is. Either that or she's just immature. But I hope she doesn't look back one day and realise that she had the platform of a lifetime and she used it to boast about smoking spliffs and not to save young girl's lives. That's quite a regret and not one I'd like to face in the mirror one day.
Ray Winstone. Not as good as Danny Dyer. But then, what is? Why isn't Phil Daniels presenting this award? Is it cos he died in that cut-and-shut on Eastenders?
So Blur are winning Lifetime Achievement Award. I got the Pointless answer for Blur Top 40 singles on Pointless the other day, Out of Time. I really like Out of Time. I also like The Universal. And Girls and Boys. And To The End. I think that's about it. I saw Superhands in a film the other night (Malice in Wonderland starring Danny Dyer, better than it sounds) and now Damon reminds me of Superhands. I hate Damon Albarn, obviously. Tender is the worst. Stop pacing around. Let Alex James thank cheese, FFS. Without cheese he's NOTHING. NOTHING!
Wrap it up, Damon, FFS. WTF he didn't even let Alex speak. What about the milk cartons? What about Graham Coxon? What about that ginger one? I bet they'll do a medley. Don't let us down, boys/ middle-aged men.
LOL George Michael just showed up, after we misquoted him earlier. Insert Snappy Snaps-outside toilet-smoking spliff joke here. I like George Michael. Not his music, obviously, but I like his devil-may-care attitude. He doesn't seem to give a shit. And I like Freedom by Wham. And Last Christmas, obv.
He's drunk! Is Adele sitting with Ricky Butcher? Well, why not? I could see Adele in Eastenders, giving Bianca a slap. If I still watched it, that is. James Corden just cut Adele's speech short because we've got to hear Girls and Boys. Girls and Boys takes me slap-bang back to the indie disco and being 14 again. I was a teenager for the best era of music ever - grunge (Hole, Smashing Pumpkins) and Britpop (Pulp, Gene etc). To follow that by falling in love with Morrissey and Bright Eyes just seems greedy. No wonder children today have no soul, look what we're feeding them. What do you fucking expect? I'd rather smash a window and nick an iPad than listen to fucking Olly Murs as well.
Holly Willoughby and Louis Spence's dancing was rather amazing. Do you think Graham Coxon is ashamed? Do you think Alex James is plotting his next country fete? Do you think Damon Albarn would rather be collaborating with some African steel band group or an irritating hologram?
Dave Rowntree looks like middle-age has caught up with him faster than the others. If I never hear Song 2 or Beetlebum again it will be too soon. But not as soon as if I ever hear Stuck in the Middle with You again. And yes, I do know that wasn't them.
Parklife just turned up. I wonder how much he gets every time they unearth him to shout over this song. I hope Denise Fox isn't watching telly right now, she'll get a shock. Keep it quiet from Phil Mitchell, too. And Ben.
Graham Coxon looks like he's been taking fashion tips from Jarvis Cocker and the dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards boutique.
I haven't even got a pithy final line. So I'll leave you with this. At least the appalling Jessie J didn't win anything. Maybe by this time next year she'll be a dim and distant memory. We can only hope. Break a leg.
I'm drinking Babycham. I think I might need something stronger. OK, here we go. It's Coldplay! Apparently Courtney Love is friends with Gloopy Paltrow. Can you imagine Courtney hanging out with Chris Martin? Or Beyonce? Scarecrow dreams indeed. Who do you think is the bigger dictator, Chris Martin or Gary Barlow? Only one way to find out, etc.
They should get Russell Brand to present this bag of crap. I'm tired of Adele going I wont do this, I won't do that, I'll never sing again, I'll never write about emotions again, I'll never wear a shapeless black lacy dress again, blah, blah, blah. Go away and never do these things again, then. I keep seeing you everywhere. I did like that pic of her cuddling those Grammys though, it was cute. She should have thrown one at Chris Brown.
Whitney. Is she British now? No? Move along, then.
Florence and the Machine. I never realised the 'machine' was imaginary, I just thought she kept them well hidden, like behind a curtain or something. Can I get away with the dialysis machine joke again? It's not even my joke. Her face looks like it is hanging off, she's got worse jowls than Karl Lagerfield (tm. Alan Carr). Her voice is like a thousand bottles being thrown into a skip and then fed through a mincer. I saw someone accidentally fall into a woodchipping machine on 1000 ways to die, and then spray his workmate with his bloody little human bone chips instead of woodchips. Florence could do the soundtrack to that sort of horror with her eyes closed.
Mentions of Adele so far. 2. Best female solo artist. Kate Bush?! WTF. Anyone but Jessie J. Anyone but Jessie J. Oh, it's Adele. What a surprise. She looks quite lithe. She talks like the proper London girls I know. I like that London accent, it's very genuine.
Talking of lithe, I thought I read James Corden had lost weight? Maybe they just meant that little goblin he used to hang around with.
Good reading off a card, Jack Whitehall. Who the fuck is Aloe Blacc? Sounds like something your mum sends you to buy down Holland and Barrett. Ryan Adams, that's a bit of a curveball. Jessie J just did a 'brrappppp'. You could get chucked out of the Big Brother house for less than that.
I don't get the Bruno Mars thing. He looks like a little dweeb and his music is tragic. He hasn't even got the mooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
That guy walking in front of James Corden provided the biggest laugh of the night so far. Next time, try hiring a comedian.
OLLY MURS. Fucking hell. Forget the crab pinching his feet, that's the sound of a barrel being scraped, reggae-style. When will Olly bring out his range of cooking sauces? More to the point, when will Levi Roots release a single?
I didn't think we were this hard up for talent. Where's Jedward when you need them?
My boyfriend just said 'this is a good song.' about Olly Murs. He's either being deeply ironic or he's gone fucking nuts. My Sky Plus box just skipped-skipped-skipped 2 and a half minutes of that.
Is James Corden still going 'shabba'? I called him out on that dated bollocks last year.
This conversation between Cordy and Jessie J is super-stilted. Seriously, I can't STAND Jessie J. I think that The Voice UK is going to be completely unwatchable, which is a shame as the US version is AMAZING. Tom Jones is even more disgusting than Keith Lemon. Will.i.am (or Mr Adams, as the Daily Mail calls him) is beyond parody. The guy from The Script might be our only hope. At least I don't hate him already.
Now my boyfriend is going 'this is your sort of thing' about some ginger hobbit thing. This is about as far away from 'my sort of thing' as child molesting.
Tinie Tempah (if indeed that's how you spell it). So many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. The end.
What did One Direction just win? Most patronising lyrics? My boyfriend said that song should be renamed 'From Paedos to a Child.' I don't know what he's trying to say. Why are they dressed like snooker players? Looks like Gary Barlow has dressed them.
I'm not even going to comment on Jensen Button. Let's look at these wonderful international female role models. Rhianna. Beyonce. Feist (I know who that is, but 99.8% of that audience don't). Gargoyle.
Is Jessie J sitting with Danny Wallace? Rhianna is thick as pig-shit. I am constantly disappointed by that woman. I've tried so hard to make allowances for her, and not be a victim-blaming dickhead, but there's no getting around it. She's just a dimlo.
My boyfriend just said, 'who is this Ed Sheeran? I don't want his name ever mentioned in this house ever again.' Fair comment.
Noel Gallagher. I'm only interested if he's doing a bolshy interview. Otherwise, he can get off the stage. Oh God, Chris Martin is tinkling the ivories. I need Apple's baby headphones like at that rubbish Live Aid to block out the din (dins).
James Corden: 'tonight is the night that celebrates the best of the musical talent.' But sadly they couldn't make it.
Winehouse tribute. Well, at least she's British. And she's got that London girl accent. I'm surprised Mitch didn't come on and cover one of her tunes 'out of respect'.
Oh, there's Graham from Coronation Street. Also dressed by Gary Barlow. Liked his joke about putting on weight. It's not like Tina has upgraded by going for Tommy Duckworth.
What's Ed Sheeran winning? Worst haircut? Didn't lose his virginity until he was famous award? Most likely to be found in the shade on holiday?
Best British Group. Huey from Fun Loving Criminals is presenting this award. They've got all the top stars, haven't they? Wasn't he on 'It's me or the dog' a couple of years back? It was something like that. I saw Martin Rossiter on a home improvement show once, too. I'm hoping to see Brian Molko on the celebrity version of Pointless soon.
Elbow, lol. I liked it when Jason Grimshaw was singing Elbow songs in Corrie the other day. Jason Grimshaw would never like Elbow. He'd like David Guetta or something. Just to clarify, I hate Elbow. Just to clarify, I hate everything.
One of Coldplay is chewing gum. I hope his mum is watching the TV and poking herself in the eye with a knitting needle.
I actually laughed at Cordy's PJ Harvey and Duncan joke. The shame.
Does Adele just have that one dress? She's like Bart Simpson. I like Adele's personality and her attitude. I just don't like her music. I think she's cute, though. Her voice sounds a bit off today.
LOL Brian May. He's everywhere these days. His hair looks like a tired cobweb. Are Jay Z and Kanye West 'an international group'? How about The Killers? Foo Fighters. Fuck off. Dave Grohl can't even be arsed to do the thank you video. Courtney was right about him.
If you like this Bruno Mars dude, go get your hearing and your eyesight checked out, and then come back and apologise to all of us one by one.
There's not even been a medley tonight. Not even a fucking medley. Cunts!
Lana Del Rey is the first thing I've liked. And I only like two of hers. I think her voice is good, but over a whole album it was a bit annoying. I hope she sings, though. I like the one that goes 'I'm scared you won't be waiting on the other side', it's quite nice.
I hope that disgusting thug isn't there with Rhianna. I heard we didn't let him in the country last time, but I'm sure we'll forgive him and give him an ickle cuddle sooner or later. As if we don't have enough scumbags of our own we could deport. I think Rhianna is so off her head, she doesn't know what day of the week it is. Either that or she's just immature. But I hope she doesn't look back one day and realise that she had the platform of a lifetime and she used it to boast about smoking spliffs and not to save young girl's lives. That's quite a regret and not one I'd like to face in the mirror one day.
Ray Winstone. Not as good as Danny Dyer. But then, what is? Why isn't Phil Daniels presenting this award? Is it cos he died in that cut-and-shut on Eastenders?
So Blur are winning Lifetime Achievement Award. I got the Pointless answer for Blur Top 40 singles on Pointless the other day, Out of Time. I really like Out of Time. I also like The Universal. And Girls and Boys. And To The End. I think that's about it. I saw Superhands in a film the other night (Malice in Wonderland starring Danny Dyer, better than it sounds) and now Damon reminds me of Superhands. I hate Damon Albarn, obviously. Tender is the worst. Stop pacing around. Let Alex James thank cheese, FFS. Without cheese he's NOTHING. NOTHING!
Wrap it up, Damon, FFS. WTF he didn't even let Alex speak. What about the milk cartons? What about Graham Coxon? What about that ginger one? I bet they'll do a medley. Don't let us down, boys/ middle-aged men.
LOL George Michael just showed up, after we misquoted him earlier. Insert Snappy Snaps-outside toilet-smoking spliff joke here. I like George Michael. Not his music, obviously, but I like his devil-may-care attitude. He doesn't seem to give a shit. And I like Freedom by Wham. And Last Christmas, obv.
He's drunk! Is Adele sitting with Ricky Butcher? Well, why not? I could see Adele in Eastenders, giving Bianca a slap. If I still watched it, that is. James Corden just cut Adele's speech short because we've got to hear Girls and Boys. Girls and Boys takes me slap-bang back to the indie disco and being 14 again. I was a teenager for the best era of music ever - grunge (Hole, Smashing Pumpkins) and Britpop (Pulp, Gene etc). To follow that by falling in love with Morrissey and Bright Eyes just seems greedy. No wonder children today have no soul, look what we're feeding them. What do you fucking expect? I'd rather smash a window and nick an iPad than listen to fucking Olly Murs as well.
Holly Willoughby and Louis Spence's dancing was rather amazing. Do you think Graham Coxon is ashamed? Do you think Alex James is plotting his next country fete? Do you think Damon Albarn would rather be collaborating with some African steel band group or an irritating hologram?
Dave Rowntree looks like middle-age has caught up with him faster than the others. If I never hear Song 2 or Beetlebum again it will be too soon. But not as soon as if I ever hear Stuck in the Middle with You again. And yes, I do know that wasn't them.
Parklife just turned up. I wonder how much he gets every time they unearth him to shout over this song. I hope Denise Fox isn't watching telly right now, she'll get a shock. Keep it quiet from Phil Mitchell, too. And Ben.
Graham Coxon looks like he's been taking fashion tips from Jarvis Cocker and the dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards boutique.
I haven't even got a pithy final line. So I'll leave you with this. At least the appalling Jessie J didn't win anything. Maybe by this time next year she'll be a dim and distant memory. We can only hope. Break a leg.
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
The Brit Awards: Live Bile (sorry, blog)
I've reviewed this two years in a row apparently! I have no memory whatsoever of the other two, such was it's amazing impact. Oh well, third time lucky.
I see they've drafted in James Corden to host. Yeah because he's really popular, isn't he? Such a likeable, handsome, popular man. Now where's that little gargoyle he knocks about with? He's obviously dumped him. Shame, they were such a LOVELY couple, I particularly liked their sexist film and homophobic comedy series.
Take That opening the show. Mark can't sing. Why is he doing a David Bowie voice? His hair looks nice though. Still, he's a ratty rat rat. Never forget! Wow, this song is an enormous din. It's almost making me pine for flood flood flood flood flood flood flood. Sample lyric: 'Out on the streets tonight, they're making peas tonight.' This is so rubbish. Hold on, Mark Owen is waving a Union Jack around! I hope the NME are going to call him a racist for the next ten billion years like they did Morrissey.
Ugh, here's our first glance at Corden-blergh (that was almost like a joke Morrissey himself would make it was so bad).
Look at the Brit award. It looks like a dildo. Sorry Vivienne Westwood.
Best British Male. My pick would be Patrick Wolf. D'ya think he's gonna win it? Do you? Do you? Ah, Dizzie presenting. I love Dizzie. 'Oliday! Graham from Corrie won- his 'rap name' is based on the American morning after pill. He's been writing some great songs since the butchers collapsed. He's speaking like a chav, too. Graham is thanking his publishing company. Heartfelt.
Shit, I'm watching this half an hour behind and I've almost caught up with the adverts already. Sucky. Don't make me watch Eastenders- I don't care about Heather's money problems. I'm just concerned her coat is clashing with her t-shirt.
Adele next. I saw her on Graham Norton recently and she seemed like a bit of a laugh. I don't like her music, but I think she's good, it's just not for me. I think she has a strong voice, but it's just packaged a bit too blandly for my tastes.
The atmosphere looks horrible there, is it at the O2? It's just loads of pricks sitting round tables. The O2 has all the atmosphere of an aircraft hangar, and believe me, I know- I saw Coldplay there.
Fucking hell, Mumford and Sons! I know nothing about them except their hideous name, and my friend is always taking the piss out of them. Ah, now I know the lead singer is fat, too.
Look at all that booze on the table in front of Justin Beiber! I've never been anywhere where there was a giant bucket of booze on the table like that. It looks great. I hope they got him some apple sours, if not, my friend JOTV might still have half a bottle (sorry John) ;)
Is Fearne preggers? She doesn't look her usual twiggy self. British Breakthrough: I don't know much about Tinie Tempah but except he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. Oh and he's religious. I felt like I was at an American awards show for a minute there when God was thanked for his contribution. What did God contribute, anyway? A heavenly thumbs up? Divine inspiration?
Best International album. Well it's obviously The People's Key but it only came out Monday. Recovery by Eminem is an OK album, but I've barely listened to it since I got it, tbh. The highlight was really the horror corridor, and that's about it. Arcade Fire won. I haven't heard that album. I like Power Out and No Cars Go and Rebellion and that's about it. I liked their geeky speech. They're like a cult, I could see them going a bit David Koresh.
UGH to James Corden's SEXIST introduction to Rhianna, where he invited men to jack off to her. Fucking knobhead. Believe it or not she's a sentient human being and a massive popstar, not just a fucking thing for you to wank to, you prick. This song she's singing reminds me of BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK because it's just unbearably shrill. MEDLEY. Ah, is this the bondage one now? 'Sex in the air, I love the smell of it'? Delightful. Her S&M dancemove looked a bit tragic, bless her. Where's all the pastel coloured bondage gear? Oh, she's getting sued, isn't she? She doesn't look very sexy in that grannyish body suit. Cancel the masturbation! I like this third song in her medley best, it's catchier.
Adverts for Justin Beiber and Rhianna! What a coincidence.
And the Exitainment awards for best hair go to: I quite like Ellie Goulding's pink rinse. Critic's choice: Jessie J. I dont know who that is, but she has lovely shiny black hair. It's gleaming!
Oh god, they're trying to push this Mumford and Sons shit on us again. They can't be English, look at them. Oh, christ, it's another cult band. No, you can't have sex with the children! NEXT!
Did someone forget to write any jokes for Corden? Russell Brand must be spinning in his marital bed. He knows how to present an awards show (sort of).
Best International Male. Ceelo Green? Who the fuck is that? I'm out of touch.
Stop telling me to buy stuff off Itunes, Corden. Ahh, Alan Carr. A real star. Why didn't they get him to present instead, he made me laugh in his first sentence. Fuck me, Olly Murs just got nominated for something. They are really raising that bar high.
Time lapse: Some of the people above I wasn't interested in just won other awards.
Ah, Graham from Corrie is doing a turn now. There's not much variety on this show, is there? We already got Eminem, do we need an Eminem who sings like a laydee? This thing with him singing like he's in court is fucking pathetic. Did you run over David Platt again, Graham? Ah, maybe Tina can bake you a cake with a file in it. Why doesn't Corden make a derogatory joke about this shambles? We know why, though, don't we, folks? Ah, Graham's got his Misfits jumpsuit on now. And Take That's riot police! Were they on a buy-one-get-one-free from the fancy dress shop?
Eek, there's a little rat running round on stage. Oh, sorry, it's Avril Lavigne, everyone's least favourite child-divorcee. Will Young- you still around? We got Olly Murs, we don't need you now. And we don't need him either. Time to go to the great Syco popstar crusher in the sky. Hurry along, now.
I cant actually look at Justin Beiber.
Ah, Boy George. You could have been a great Celeb BB contestant.
Laura Marling is alright but a bit boring. I like my singer/songwriters to have a bit more growl. She looked at the wrong camera when she gave her speech.
Oh God, not more Arcade Fire, fuck me. Are they gonna do a medley? They should. 'I woke up with the power out... hiding from your brothers, underneath the covers.' The end.
Mark Ronson: you fucking tosser.
Ah, I wondered when Princess Cheryl would make an appearance. Haven't we shipped her off to the USA yet? Looking at what they've done to Russell Brand she's going to come back talking like Dame Judy Dench. Here's an idea; just stay there instead.
I like Rhianna's dress with the roses. It does look like she's getting married, though. I could get married in that dress. Rhianna, tell James Corden to go stick it up his arse. Now he's dissing the dress. I like that dress!
Oh God, we gotta watch T. Tempah perform now too? I won't! I won't do it! I'll take Heather instead, I'll take Ronnie, I'll even take Auntie Kim. Fuck it!
Best British Group. Do you still care? I choose Placebo. They're British aren't they! *snort*
Ah, apparently Take That are better. I liked Robbie's wife screaming with excitement and Robbie not bothering to hug her. What a cunt that man is. I won't rest until I see his head on a spike.
Robbie seems to think going 'Shabba!' is funny. My friend Dominic used to think that was funny when we worked at Pathmeads Housing Association ten years ago. It wasn't.
THEY JUST KEEP MENTIONING THE SAME FUCKING ACTS. BORING.
Graham from Corrie is trying to justify being a sellout. Just be a glorious sellout like Dizzie Rascal, FFS. He's loving it! You're not going to change any minds by acting like a churlish schoolboy. You're a sellout- get over it and enjoy the lovely cash mountain.
Last award of the night: album of the year. Who's won it? Some cunt we've already seen up there 10 times already, I bet you.
OMG Mumford and Sons are British! Why are they all dressed like Mormons?! They look like they're in fancy dress. Ha, they had to get told off by James Corden for meandering around so much and taking too long. Quick, get the costumes back before the fancy dress shops shut. Run along now.
And the show ended with Ceelo Green, which I'm not even sure I'm spelling right. But I know one thing. It's shit.
LOL I just searched for my last two Brit Awards blogs (here and here if you're really insane) and not only were they better, I made at least three of the same jokes/observations I made here in them. And one of them was from 2008, I must have actually gone out in 2009.
The result of this research? Maybe MY time is up too? Oh, tastemakers, give me another chance. I'll do better next time, mummy.
I see they've drafted in James Corden to host. Yeah because he's really popular, isn't he? Such a likeable, handsome, popular man. Now where's that little gargoyle he knocks about with? He's obviously dumped him. Shame, they were such a LOVELY couple, I particularly liked their sexist film and homophobic comedy series.
Take That opening the show. Mark can't sing. Why is he doing a David Bowie voice? His hair looks nice though. Still, he's a ratty rat rat. Never forget! Wow, this song is an enormous din. It's almost making me pine for flood flood flood flood flood flood flood. Sample lyric: 'Out on the streets tonight, they're making peas tonight.' This is so rubbish. Hold on, Mark Owen is waving a Union Jack around! I hope the NME are going to call him a racist for the next ten billion years like they did Morrissey.
Ugh, here's our first glance at Corden-blergh (that was almost like a joke Morrissey himself would make it was so bad).
Look at the Brit award. It looks like a dildo. Sorry Vivienne Westwood.
Best British Male. My pick would be Patrick Wolf. D'ya think he's gonna win it? Do you? Do you? Ah, Dizzie presenting. I love Dizzie. 'Oliday! Graham from Corrie won- his 'rap name' is based on the American morning after pill. He's been writing some great songs since the butchers collapsed. He's speaking like a chav, too. Graham is thanking his publishing company. Heartfelt.
Shit, I'm watching this half an hour behind and I've almost caught up with the adverts already. Sucky. Don't make me watch Eastenders- I don't care about Heather's money problems. I'm just concerned her coat is clashing with her t-shirt.
Adele next. I saw her on Graham Norton recently and she seemed like a bit of a laugh. I don't like her music, but I think she's good, it's just not for me. I think she has a strong voice, but it's just packaged a bit too blandly for my tastes.
The atmosphere looks horrible there, is it at the O2? It's just loads of pricks sitting round tables. The O2 has all the atmosphere of an aircraft hangar, and believe me, I know- I saw Coldplay there.
Fucking hell, Mumford and Sons! I know nothing about them except their hideous name, and my friend is always taking the piss out of them. Ah, now I know the lead singer is fat, too.
Look at all that booze on the table in front of Justin Beiber! I've never been anywhere where there was a giant bucket of booze on the table like that. It looks great. I hope they got him some apple sours, if not, my friend JOTV might still have half a bottle (sorry John) ;)
Is Fearne preggers? She doesn't look her usual twiggy self. British Breakthrough: I don't know much about Tinie Tempah but except he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. Oh and he's religious. I felt like I was at an American awards show for a minute there when God was thanked for his contribution. What did God contribute, anyway? A heavenly thumbs up? Divine inspiration?
Best International album. Well it's obviously The People's Key but it only came out Monday. Recovery by Eminem is an OK album, but I've barely listened to it since I got it, tbh. The highlight was really the horror corridor, and that's about it. Arcade Fire won. I haven't heard that album. I like Power Out and No Cars Go and Rebellion and that's about it. I liked their geeky speech. They're like a cult, I could see them going a bit David Koresh.
UGH to James Corden's SEXIST introduction to Rhianna, where he invited men to jack off to her. Fucking knobhead. Believe it or not she's a sentient human being and a massive popstar, not just a fucking thing for you to wank to, you prick. This song she's singing reminds me of BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK because it's just unbearably shrill. MEDLEY. Ah, is this the bondage one now? 'Sex in the air, I love the smell of it'? Delightful. Her S&M dancemove looked a bit tragic, bless her. Where's all the pastel coloured bondage gear? Oh, she's getting sued, isn't she? She doesn't look very sexy in that grannyish body suit. Cancel the masturbation! I like this third song in her medley best, it's catchier.
Adverts for Justin Beiber and Rhianna! What a coincidence.
And the Exitainment awards for best hair go to: I quite like Ellie Goulding's pink rinse. Critic's choice: Jessie J. I dont know who that is, but she has lovely shiny black hair. It's gleaming!
Oh god, they're trying to push this Mumford and Sons shit on us again. They can't be English, look at them. Oh, christ, it's another cult band. No, you can't have sex with the children! NEXT!
Did someone forget to write any jokes for Corden? Russell Brand must be spinning in his marital bed. He knows how to present an awards show (sort of).
Best International Male. Ceelo Green? Who the fuck is that? I'm out of touch.
Stop telling me to buy stuff off Itunes, Corden. Ahh, Alan Carr. A real star. Why didn't they get him to present instead, he made me laugh in his first sentence. Fuck me, Olly Murs just got nominated for something. They are really raising that bar high.
Time lapse: Some of the people above I wasn't interested in just won other awards.
Ah, Graham from Corrie is doing a turn now. There's not much variety on this show, is there? We already got Eminem, do we need an Eminem who sings like a laydee? This thing with him singing like he's in court is fucking pathetic. Did you run over David Platt again, Graham? Ah, maybe Tina can bake you a cake with a file in it. Why doesn't Corden make a derogatory joke about this shambles? We know why, though, don't we, folks? Ah, Graham's got his Misfits jumpsuit on now. And Take That's riot police! Were they on a buy-one-get-one-free from the fancy dress shop?
Eek, there's a little rat running round on stage. Oh, sorry, it's Avril Lavigne, everyone's least favourite child-divorcee. Will Young- you still around? We got Olly Murs, we don't need you now. And we don't need him either. Time to go to the great Syco popstar crusher in the sky. Hurry along, now.
I cant actually look at Justin Beiber.
Ah, Boy George. You could have been a great Celeb BB contestant.
Laura Marling is alright but a bit boring. I like my singer/songwriters to have a bit more growl. She looked at the wrong camera when she gave her speech.
Oh God, not more Arcade Fire, fuck me. Are they gonna do a medley? They should. 'I woke up with the power out... hiding from your brothers, underneath the covers.' The end.
Mark Ronson: you fucking tosser.
Ah, I wondered when Princess Cheryl would make an appearance. Haven't we shipped her off to the USA yet? Looking at what they've done to Russell Brand she's going to come back talking like Dame Judy Dench. Here's an idea; just stay there instead.
I like Rhianna's dress with the roses. It does look like she's getting married, though. I could get married in that dress. Rhianna, tell James Corden to go stick it up his arse. Now he's dissing the dress. I like that dress!
Oh God, we gotta watch T. Tempah perform now too? I won't! I won't do it! I'll take Heather instead, I'll take Ronnie, I'll even take Auntie Kim. Fuck it!
Best British Group. Do you still care? I choose Placebo. They're British aren't they! *snort*
Ah, apparently Take That are better. I liked Robbie's wife screaming with excitement and Robbie not bothering to hug her. What a cunt that man is. I won't rest until I see his head on a spike.
Robbie seems to think going 'Shabba!' is funny. My friend Dominic used to think that was funny when we worked at Pathmeads Housing Association ten years ago. It wasn't.
THEY JUST KEEP MENTIONING THE SAME FUCKING ACTS. BORING.
Graham from Corrie is trying to justify being a sellout. Just be a glorious sellout like Dizzie Rascal, FFS. He's loving it! You're not going to change any minds by acting like a churlish schoolboy. You're a sellout- get over it and enjoy the lovely cash mountain.
Last award of the night: album of the year. Who's won it? Some cunt we've already seen up there 10 times already, I bet you.
OMG Mumford and Sons are British! Why are they all dressed like Mormons?! They look like they're in fancy dress. Ha, they had to get told off by James Corden for meandering around so much and taking too long. Quick, get the costumes back before the fancy dress shops shut. Run along now.
And the show ended with Ceelo Green, which I'm not even sure I'm spelling right. But I know one thing. It's shit.
LOL I just searched for my last two Brit Awards blogs (here and here if you're really insane) and not only were they better, I made at least three of the same jokes/observations I made here in them. And one of them was from 2008, I must have actually gone out in 2009.
The result of this research? Maybe MY time is up too? Oh, tastemakers, give me another chance. I'll do better next time, mummy.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
The Brit Awards 2010: Worse than you could have imagined
I am watching this PURELY to complain about it. It can't be as bad as the Soap Awards; can it?
Lily Allen- her singing voice doesn't go up or down, it's just one level. Bleeped out swearing. She looks nervous and you can hear her gasping for air between lines, but I quite like that. She's come dressed like Linda Lusardi.
Peter Kay is hosting! He's so hot right now. It IS 2003, right? Doesn't look like he's been taking the Jimmy Carr approach to fitness. His jokes are clunking and his microphone is cutting out. Great start.
Sam Fox- wow, they've got all the big names. This is going really smoothly. The Spice girls! Well, Mel B and Geri. I thought it was Baby. Woah, look at Mel B's undercut! That's edgy for someone in her mid-forties.
British Male Solo Artist introduced by someone I don't know. Dizzie Rascal was the best of those options, which is saying something indeed. 'OLIYDAY! Dizzie is wearing the same suit as Peter Kay. Recognise!
JLS (Jack the Lad Swing, for those who don't know) descend from heaven on strings. I like this song, it's dead catchy! I'm serious!
Urgh- Fearne is 'reporting' from back stage! Stand up and be patronised.
Here's Mel B... again. Undercut! I used to have an undercut, it was obligatory growing up in Northampton. You got it at the same time as you got issued your Doc Martins and German army shirt.
Best International Male Artist. Should be Eminem! Will be Jay-Z. Yes, it's Jay-Z, an extraordinarily ugly man. He's got 99 problems, but good looks aint one of them, you sexist arsehole. Go put a ring on it, dumbass. They're a match made in misogyny heaven, him and Bouncy.
Next up, Noddy Holder. God, is that the sound of a barrel being scraped? For fuck's sake, the Yanks get Russell Brand presenting their awards shows, and in Europe at least Placebo show up. What do we get? Alexandra Burke? This is bullshit.
Liam Gallagher won something and they bleeped out his speech. Just brilliant. Even the ageing pastiche of rock and roll has been rubbed out. Then Kay called Liam a knobhead! At least Liam Gallagher is fun to laugh at.
Oh God, Kasabian. Fetch me a drink. *mutes TV*
And here's Geri Halliwell AGAIN. Dear oh dear, this is dire. Breakthrough artist. JLS. Good. At least it's not Florence or La Roux, the po-faced old bints.
OMG Courtney just showed up. She looks rather sheep-like with that straggly hair. I'm seeing her tomorrow! Glad she's standing. Don't get too smashed tonight, Ms. Love! She gave the award to someone boring who talked for too long.
Lady Gaga! Not as gaga as Courtney no matter how many stupid things you wear. This is interminable. Stop trying to be Elton John and go do something 'outrageous'. Is she doing Vogue? No love for P-p-p-poker face? Oh just fuck off.
OMG don't make Courtney stand next to Geri Halliwell. Not good.
Ooh sorry I fell asleep. Best British Band! Kasabian! Wooo! They are fucking dreadful. Well done people. Their speech was pretty much bleeped out. Doubt if we missed much.
Peter Kay appears to hate music. Mind you, he is at The Brits. I can't get anything funny out of this show! The Soap Awards WAS better!
Gaga just won something. Highest hair? I think she's blubbing. Someone else thanked 'Ferdy' earlier. Much love to Amira's dad!
Oh fuck me, it's a duet with Dizzie and Florence and the Machine! It's like Christmas Day TOTP all over again. What do the boys in the hood think about this? Very little I'd imagine. Get back in your coffin, Florence. You're not ripe yet!
OMG. What is Jonathan Ross doing? Someone have a word. International Female Solo Arist. Lady Gargoyle. Didn't she just win it? Thanks to Ferdy again, many thanks Ferdy. Thanks for the dowry.
Oh fucking hell, they've just dug up Shirley Bassey. This is the longest 2 hours of my life and there's still 45 mins to go.
Oh Lily Allen's got an orange wig on. ZANY! Mind you, she really deserves it, whatever it is (hopefully a good kicking).
OMG ALICIA KEYS. WITH JAY Z. Hand me the gun. Mute x ten billion, but you can't mute her smug little face (you can, it's called the off button).
GAGAGAGAGAGAGA. She just LOVES her fans.
Geordie hate! Not allowed to do an Ashley Cole joke, Peter? I reckon Russell Brand would have still gone for it. It goes without saying, but Tweedy should dump idiot box. And if she doesn't, she's a fucking twat. Once is a mistake. Twice and he's taking the mickey out of you, Chez. I saw a comment about that this week that said 'you don't have to fight for real love, Cheryl' and aint that the truth.
WOW she's miming REALLY badly! It's like watching a dodgy DVD that's slightly behind. She looks deranged and very toothy. Lily Allen didn't mime!
Aw, there's Alan Carr! Why didn't he present the whole thing? Peter Kay is USELESS.
JLS won again. They look like they're dressed for meeting their bank manger.
What IS that song that goes 'these girls fall like dominoes'?! It sounds OFFENSIVE!
Florence won best album. Great if you like whale music sung by middle-aged goths. If you do like whale music sung by middle-aged goths, I can also recommend Enya.
And here's some words to put fear into your heart: 'Robbie Williams doing a lovely medley after the break.' Bodies in the bodhi tree! Bodies of my family! GENIUS. Robbie looks blitzed. He's gurning. From drugs, not adrenaline. He literally sang EVERY song he's ever released. No wonder he's high! This section has lasted about 45 years, you'd need to be on speed to stay up for it.
OK that's enough. Not one good song. Just 5 seconds of Courtney Love was not enough to put up with that shitstorm of wankery.
Controversial? I've seen more controversial episodes of Live at Studio Five. And Peter Kay, your time is up. Get your coat and fuck right off.
Lily Allen- her singing voice doesn't go up or down, it's just one level. Bleeped out swearing. She looks nervous and you can hear her gasping for air between lines, but I quite like that. She's come dressed like Linda Lusardi.
Peter Kay is hosting! He's so hot right now. It IS 2003, right? Doesn't look like he's been taking the Jimmy Carr approach to fitness. His jokes are clunking and his microphone is cutting out. Great start.
Sam Fox- wow, they've got all the big names. This is going really smoothly. The Spice girls! Well, Mel B and Geri. I thought it was Baby. Woah, look at Mel B's undercut! That's edgy for someone in her mid-forties.
British Male Solo Artist introduced by someone I don't know. Dizzie Rascal was the best of those options, which is saying something indeed. 'OLIYDAY! Dizzie is wearing the same suit as Peter Kay. Recognise!
JLS (Jack the Lad Swing, for those who don't know) descend from heaven on strings. I like this song, it's dead catchy! I'm serious!
Urgh- Fearne is 'reporting' from back stage! Stand up and be patronised.
Here's Mel B... again. Undercut! I used to have an undercut, it was obligatory growing up in Northampton. You got it at the same time as you got issued your Doc Martins and German army shirt.
Best International Male Artist. Should be Eminem! Will be Jay-Z. Yes, it's Jay-Z, an extraordinarily ugly man. He's got 99 problems, but good looks aint one of them, you sexist arsehole. Go put a ring on it, dumbass. They're a match made in misogyny heaven, him and Bouncy.
Next up, Noddy Holder. God, is that the sound of a barrel being scraped? For fuck's sake, the Yanks get Russell Brand presenting their awards shows, and in Europe at least Placebo show up. What do we get? Alexandra Burke? This is bullshit.
Liam Gallagher won something and they bleeped out his speech. Just brilliant. Even the ageing pastiche of rock and roll has been rubbed out. Then Kay called Liam a knobhead! At least Liam Gallagher is fun to laugh at.
Oh God, Kasabian. Fetch me a drink. *mutes TV*
And here's Geri Halliwell AGAIN. Dear oh dear, this is dire. Breakthrough artist. JLS. Good. At least it's not Florence or La Roux, the po-faced old bints.
OMG Courtney just showed up. She looks rather sheep-like with that straggly hair. I'm seeing her tomorrow! Glad she's standing. Don't get too smashed tonight, Ms. Love! She gave the award to someone boring who talked for too long.
Lady Gaga! Not as gaga as Courtney no matter how many stupid things you wear. This is interminable. Stop trying to be Elton John and go do something 'outrageous'. Is she doing Vogue? No love for P-p-p-poker face? Oh just fuck off.
OMG don't make Courtney stand next to Geri Halliwell. Not good.
Ooh sorry I fell asleep. Best British Band! Kasabian! Wooo! They are fucking dreadful. Well done people. Their speech was pretty much bleeped out. Doubt if we missed much.
Peter Kay appears to hate music. Mind you, he is at The Brits. I can't get anything funny out of this show! The Soap Awards WAS better!
Gaga just won something. Highest hair? I think she's blubbing. Someone else thanked 'Ferdy' earlier. Much love to Amira's dad!
Oh fuck me, it's a duet with Dizzie and Florence and the Machine! It's like Christmas Day TOTP all over again. What do the boys in the hood think about this? Very little I'd imagine. Get back in your coffin, Florence. You're not ripe yet!
OMG. What is Jonathan Ross doing? Someone have a word. International Female Solo Arist. Lady Gargoyle. Didn't she just win it? Thanks to Ferdy again, many thanks Ferdy. Thanks for the dowry.
Oh fucking hell, they've just dug up Shirley Bassey. This is the longest 2 hours of my life and there's still 45 mins to go.
Oh Lily Allen's got an orange wig on. ZANY! Mind you, she really deserves it, whatever it is (hopefully a good kicking).
OMG ALICIA KEYS. WITH JAY Z. Hand me the gun. Mute x ten billion, but you can't mute her smug little face (you can, it's called the off button).
GAGAGAGAGAGAGA. She just LOVES her fans.
Geordie hate! Not allowed to do an Ashley Cole joke, Peter? I reckon Russell Brand would have still gone for it. It goes without saying, but Tweedy should dump idiot box. And if she doesn't, she's a fucking twat. Once is a mistake. Twice and he's taking the mickey out of you, Chez. I saw a comment about that this week that said 'you don't have to fight for real love, Cheryl' and aint that the truth.
WOW she's miming REALLY badly! It's like watching a dodgy DVD that's slightly behind. She looks deranged and very toothy. Lily Allen didn't mime!
Aw, there's Alan Carr! Why didn't he present the whole thing? Peter Kay is USELESS.
JLS won again. They look like they're dressed for meeting their bank manger.
What IS that song that goes 'these girls fall like dominoes'?! It sounds OFFENSIVE!
Florence won best album. Great if you like whale music sung by middle-aged goths. If you do like whale music sung by middle-aged goths, I can also recommend Enya.
And here's some words to put fear into your heart: 'Robbie Williams doing a lovely medley after the break.' Bodies in the bodhi tree! Bodies of my family! GENIUS. Robbie looks blitzed. He's gurning. From drugs, not adrenaline. He literally sang EVERY song he's ever released. No wonder he's high! This section has lasted about 45 years, you'd need to be on speed to stay up for it.
OK that's enough. Not one good song. Just 5 seconds of Courtney Love was not enough to put up with that shitstorm of wankery.
Controversial? I've seen more controversial episodes of Live at Studio Five. And Peter Kay, your time is up. Get your coat and fuck right off.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Hate Blog: The Brits Awards 2009
I'm going to do a live blog of this, anything to keep me from proper writing. See how far I get before I start tying my shoelaces to the curtain rail.
Oh my God. I just remembered those homophobic CUNTS are presenting it. *turns over*
No, no, no. I've got to give it 15 minutes at least.
Fuck me, is that Bono? Is he parading in front of the Union Jack? When Morrissey did that he was banished from Britain for years on end. Oh and there's the lyrics. I'd sing along if it wasn't such SHIT. Fuck off Bonio, we've got Chris Martin now, we don't need you anymore. God is he STILL persevering with that whole coloured glasses schtick? I will only be satisfied with this performance if it's a medley that finishes with 'Lemon!' Haha, medleys. Good old medleys. JUST FUCK OFF BONO!
Oh, there's Kylie. I preferred her when he eyebrows weren't stapled to her scalp. She looks like she's had a stroke, or stood too close to the fire. Oh and there's those homophobic, unfunny cunts doing something unfunny. Urgh. They have less chemistry with Kylie than current-day Jason 'dreamboats and petticoats' Donovan.
Oh God, Simon Pegg presenting Best British Female. I hate Simon Pegg. He used to be good, but I think he ate too many smug pills in LA. Gross. I haven't even heard of some of these nominations. Mine would be Emmy the Great. She's delightful. Oh, Duffy won. Duffy reminds me of some stuffed toy, or puppet, she's naturally pretty, but she's dead behind the eyes. She's an impassionate robot even when she sings. That song bores me rigid too.
International female artist. Mine's Courtney Love, and I suspect she won't be up there. Oh fuck, please don't let it be Katie Perry. Please don't let it be Katie Perry. Please don't let it be Katie Perry. OH. She makes Avril Lavigne look alternative. She makes Fall Out Boy look like Bright Eyes.
Now I'm relieved to see Girls Aloud. Something aint right when you write that sentence. Why is that song so fucking catchy??? Argh! I like Kimberley if you're interested. Are they naked? No. And if they were, you still wouldn't get to see it. Ooh, they look nice in those leotards. At least they are real, not like all that Estelle rubbish. God, Sarah Harding's voice sounds horrible. But Nicola can sing. And as long as the Irish one doesn't speak, I'm happy.
Alex James! Cheese! It's not funny when they do it. Grrr! Saying 'without further ado' IS further ado, Alex James. He was introducing Best British Breakthrough Act. That's a tongue twister. Who won? Don't pretend you care. It was Duffy. She's writes her own joke with that name.
Thin homophobic cunt now has a quiff. Fat homophobic cunt says 'scream until your nipples bleed.' Eh? Why isn't Russell doing this gig? Why are they just perving over Kylie? These two are interminable. They make Michael Mackintyre look funny (and yes I did have to look up his name, he's just known as 'oh that unfunny twat's on TV again' round these parts.
Coldplay. Aww, the butterflies. Still, I feel strangely unmoved.
Natalie Imbruglia has wisely gone brunette again. She's giving out the award for best international group. THE KILLERS, surely? Oh those beardy blokes got it instead and thanked GOD. How inappropriate! This is an athiest kingdom! It shoulda been Brandon! He OWNS this year.
Oh my God, Jamie Cullum & Jamie Oliver! If you HAD to sleep with one??? ARGHHHHHHHH! Forget I said that. Best British Male Solo artist. MORRISSEY! Hmm, maybe not, hey. Maybe next year. Oh. I couldn't see him accepting the award from the chick-gasser anyhow. Paul Weller won. Unfortunately the award wasn't 'most ridiculous fringe.' or it would have been spot on.
Homophobic cunt one: 'Here is a performance so exciting, it will make you want to put your fist in your mum's mouth.' Is this a joke? Is this meant to be funny? I mean it was followed by Duffy, but still, give us a fucking leg up, you useless wanker.
Have I mentioned I hate Fearne Cotton? When I watch telly at my mums she's always like 'you hate everyone' so for the sake of parity, I like Holly Willoughby. Ta.
Homophobic fat cunt makes joke about being fat. Someone I don't know introduces Best Album. Why are AC-DC up for so much stuff? Did I miss something? THE KILLERS, THE KILLERS, THE KILLERS! My global position systems are vocally addressed! Oh fucking hell, it's the Kings of Leon again. Who they gonna thank now, the baby Jesus? They might as well thank the fucking tooth fairy, the beardy freaks.
Take That are in a spaceship. Is Robbie Williams going to show up? Are they taking the piss out of Robbie? I hope so! I wish BRANDON FLOWERS would turn up in his little outfit doing his robot dance. Now THAT would be good. Can you imagine BEING an ADULT Take That fan? You might as well just book yourself in for the lobotomy now. They all have glasses on. Brainy! Gary Barlow was my fave, in the bleach/bondage/ jelly era. Don't tell anyone.
Nick Frost looks rough. And he never exactly looked handsome. Non-funny joke, but that appears to be compulsory. Best Live Act. Moz, of course. Oh, it's... Iron Maiden. Yes, I did just say that. Bruce Dickinson talks like an accountant.
The Hoff. Best British Group. Elbow. Elbow! Better than Coldplay or Girls Aloud? Ich don't think so. Chris Martin looked sick! I liked it when they asked a recovering alcoholic to come for a drink, though.
Kings of Leon play live. I don't mind this one. Who doesn't? It's nice enough. It has that Coldplay-esque backing vocal. It's the acceptable face of rock for chavs. But it just don't turn me on, baby.
Making jokes about Craig David. That was funny about five years ago. Florence (and the machine) has lovely hair. Best international male. Neil Diamond is a nominee. (Can you tell I've got the shoelaces out? Just tying them...) Kanye West won. Nice veneers. Subtle.
Oh and a glorious duet from the Ting Tings and Estelle. Their songs mesh together as happily as Rhianna and Chris Brown en route to the Grammys. MEDLEY!
Cunt 1 described Alan Carr as 'slightly camp'. Why didn't they get Alan to present this show? Alan rocks! Best British single. How quaint. Girls Aloud! Glad they won something. At least they're likeable. Sarah Harding: 'it's about time!' It's not like you wrote it, is it, love?
Tom Jones (sadly not my friend called Tom Jones, who is much more palatable) presenting Album of the Year with his new Mr Whippy hair. Time to go less orange, TJ. Duffy won it. There was a tear in her android eye. It was probably just a leaky battery.
OMG BRANDON!!! I wasn't expecting that. Are they singing? *squeal* Why are his ears sticking out? Wow he mentioned Louder than Bombs! That was a boring speech though. Oh my God, he chose Pet Shop Boys over The Smiths! Bet he wouldn't tell Mozzy that, if indeed it's true. He looked a bit boss eyed, was he plastered? Put your little spacesuit on, Brandon! I love you! I'll give you some bang for your buck. (Apologies, I'm getting hysterical)
Seriously, who really gives two shits about the Pet Shop Boys? Can you name one person who likes them? Erasure are better. MEDLEY. Why is Brandon THERE yet not playing? This is criminal!
Oh fuck me, Lady Gaga just rolled up. Seriously; if she's 22, I'm 12. Thank god she fucked off before Brandon came on stage. He wasn't on for long enough though. What a waste. It's like having Morrissey there and getting him to do a little dance behind Jay Z or something.
Oh my God, then Brandon did sing with Lady Gaga for a second! URGH! I'm fucking furious now! I sit through that fucking shit-fest and then that happens!
CUNTS!
Oh my God. I just remembered those homophobic CUNTS are presenting it. *turns over*
No, no, no. I've got to give it 15 minutes at least.
Fuck me, is that Bono? Is he parading in front of the Union Jack? When Morrissey did that he was banished from Britain for years on end. Oh and there's the lyrics. I'd sing along if it wasn't such SHIT. Fuck off Bonio, we've got Chris Martin now, we don't need you anymore. God is he STILL persevering with that whole coloured glasses schtick? I will only be satisfied with this performance if it's a medley that finishes with 'Lemon!' Haha, medleys. Good old medleys. JUST FUCK OFF BONO!
Oh, there's Kylie. I preferred her when he eyebrows weren't stapled to her scalp. She looks like she's had a stroke, or stood too close to the fire. Oh and there's those homophobic, unfunny cunts doing something unfunny. Urgh. They have less chemistry with Kylie than current-day Jason 'dreamboats and petticoats' Donovan.
Oh God, Simon Pegg presenting Best British Female. I hate Simon Pegg. He used to be good, but I think he ate too many smug pills in LA. Gross. I haven't even heard of some of these nominations. Mine would be Emmy the Great. She's delightful. Oh, Duffy won. Duffy reminds me of some stuffed toy, or puppet, she's naturally pretty, but she's dead behind the eyes. She's an impassionate robot even when she sings. That song bores me rigid too.
International female artist. Mine's Courtney Love, and I suspect she won't be up there. Oh fuck, please don't let it be Katie Perry. Please don't let it be Katie Perry. Please don't let it be Katie Perry. OH. She makes Avril Lavigne look alternative. She makes Fall Out Boy look like Bright Eyes.
Now I'm relieved to see Girls Aloud. Something aint right when you write that sentence. Why is that song so fucking catchy??? Argh! I like Kimberley if you're interested. Are they naked? No. And if they were, you still wouldn't get to see it. Ooh, they look nice in those leotards. At least they are real, not like all that Estelle rubbish. God, Sarah Harding's voice sounds horrible. But Nicola can sing. And as long as the Irish one doesn't speak, I'm happy.
Alex James! Cheese! It's not funny when they do it. Grrr! Saying 'without further ado' IS further ado, Alex James. He was introducing Best British Breakthrough Act. That's a tongue twister. Who won? Don't pretend you care. It was Duffy. She's writes her own joke with that name.
Thin homophobic cunt now has a quiff. Fat homophobic cunt says 'scream until your nipples bleed.' Eh? Why isn't Russell doing this gig? Why are they just perving over Kylie? These two are interminable. They make Michael Mackintyre look funny (and yes I did have to look up his name, he's just known as 'oh that unfunny twat's on TV again' round these parts.
Coldplay. Aww, the butterflies. Still, I feel strangely unmoved.
Natalie Imbruglia has wisely gone brunette again. She's giving out the award for best international group. THE KILLERS, surely? Oh those beardy blokes got it instead and thanked GOD. How inappropriate! This is an athiest kingdom! It shoulda been Brandon! He OWNS this year.
Oh my God, Jamie Cullum & Jamie Oliver! If you HAD to sleep with one??? ARGHHHHHHHH! Forget I said that. Best British Male Solo artist. MORRISSEY! Hmm, maybe not, hey. Maybe next year. Oh. I couldn't see him accepting the award from the chick-gasser anyhow. Paul Weller won. Unfortunately the award wasn't 'most ridiculous fringe.' or it would have been spot on.
Homophobic cunt one: 'Here is a performance so exciting, it will make you want to put your fist in your mum's mouth.' Is this a joke? Is this meant to be funny? I mean it was followed by Duffy, but still, give us a fucking leg up, you useless wanker.
Have I mentioned I hate Fearne Cotton? When I watch telly at my mums she's always like 'you hate everyone' so for the sake of parity, I like Holly Willoughby. Ta.
Homophobic fat cunt makes joke about being fat. Someone I don't know introduces Best Album. Why are AC-DC up for so much stuff? Did I miss something? THE KILLERS, THE KILLERS, THE KILLERS! My global position systems are vocally addressed! Oh fucking hell, it's the Kings of Leon again. Who they gonna thank now, the baby Jesus? They might as well thank the fucking tooth fairy, the beardy freaks.
Take That are in a spaceship. Is Robbie Williams going to show up? Are they taking the piss out of Robbie? I hope so! I wish BRANDON FLOWERS would turn up in his little outfit doing his robot dance. Now THAT would be good. Can you imagine BEING an ADULT Take That fan? You might as well just book yourself in for the lobotomy now. They all have glasses on. Brainy! Gary Barlow was my fave, in the bleach/bondage/ jelly era. Don't tell anyone.
Nick Frost looks rough. And he never exactly looked handsome. Non-funny joke, but that appears to be compulsory. Best Live Act. Moz, of course. Oh, it's... Iron Maiden. Yes, I did just say that. Bruce Dickinson talks like an accountant.
The Hoff. Best British Group. Elbow. Elbow! Better than Coldplay or Girls Aloud? Ich don't think so. Chris Martin looked sick! I liked it when they asked a recovering alcoholic to come for a drink, though.
Kings of Leon play live. I don't mind this one. Who doesn't? It's nice enough. It has that Coldplay-esque backing vocal. It's the acceptable face of rock for chavs. But it just don't turn me on, baby.
Making jokes about Craig David. That was funny about five years ago. Florence (and the machine) has lovely hair. Best international male. Neil Diamond is a nominee. (Can you tell I've got the shoelaces out? Just tying them...) Kanye West won. Nice veneers. Subtle.
Oh and a glorious duet from the Ting Tings and Estelle. Their songs mesh together as happily as Rhianna and Chris Brown en route to the Grammys. MEDLEY!
Cunt 1 described Alan Carr as 'slightly camp'. Why didn't they get Alan to present this show? Alan rocks! Best British single. How quaint. Girls Aloud! Glad they won something. At least they're likeable. Sarah Harding: 'it's about time!' It's not like you wrote it, is it, love?
Tom Jones (sadly not my friend called Tom Jones, who is much more palatable) presenting Album of the Year with his new Mr Whippy hair. Time to go less orange, TJ. Duffy won it. There was a tear in her android eye. It was probably just a leaky battery.
OMG BRANDON!!! I wasn't expecting that. Are they singing? *squeal* Why are his ears sticking out? Wow he mentioned Louder than Bombs! That was a boring speech though. Oh my God, he chose Pet Shop Boys over The Smiths! Bet he wouldn't tell Mozzy that, if indeed it's true. He looked a bit boss eyed, was he plastered? Put your little spacesuit on, Brandon! I love you! I'll give you some bang for your buck. (Apologies, I'm getting hysterical)
Seriously, who really gives two shits about the Pet Shop Boys? Can you name one person who likes them? Erasure are better. MEDLEY. Why is Brandon THERE yet not playing? This is criminal!
Oh fuck me, Lady Gaga just rolled up. Seriously; if she's 22, I'm 12. Thank god she fucked off before Brandon came on stage. He wasn't on for long enough though. What a waste. It's like having Morrissey there and getting him to do a little dance behind Jay Z or something.
Oh my God, then Brandon did sing with Lady Gaga for a second! URGH! I'm fucking furious now! I sit through that fucking shit-fest and then that happens!
CUNTS!
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
The Brit Awards 2008- Medleyfest!
I should be at the pictures right now celebrating my boyfriends birthday but instead I'm coughing up phlegm. Yum! That's pretty shit but then further torture beckons in the form of the Brit awards. Oh Jarvis, how we miss you.
Yegads! Mika kicked of the show with a MEDLEY and the skinniest legs ever. I'm entirely unconvinced by his act. He doesn't look like he enjoys his own music (and why would he?). Bizarrely he was joined by a very pink Beth Ditto and they then sang Standing in The Way Of Control. God I love a medley. But only when it's someone good. Oh no, good people don't do medleys. Scrap that.
They obviously decided Ozzy wasn't fit to present so they roped Jack and Kelly in to help Sharon. Sharon was ridiculously over enthusiastic throughout.
Best Live Act... Take That apparently better than Muse. OK.
Rhianna and the Klaxons! Woo! How ironic! What a mash up of cultures. I'd love to tell you what it was like but I decided to listen to a bit of I Was a Cub Scout instead. I love his lazy way of singing. Oh fucking hell, it's Umbrella again. Get a new trick, pony. She looks ten foot tall. Is she on stilts? Is she shagging Josh Hartnett? Lucky BITCH! Nice lasers though. I miss lasers. Those were the days.
Fearne Cotton- fuck off! We got rid of Cat 'stroke victim' Deeley- you're next! It annoyed me when she called Beth Ditto 'gorgeous' too. Like she'd swap.
Product placement: an advert for Kylie's perfume. Subtle.
Will 'chinny' Young presented an award to Adele (yeah, another one of those dull singer songwriter bints). He was struggling to read off his card. Adele said in a magazine that she was the same dress size as me. If that's true, I need my fucking jaw wired RIGHT NOW. (sorry, that's very anti-women of me- but I've been driven to it by this inanity!) Jonathan Rhys Myers was presented an award with a proper gurn on. To Mika. Next we had a performance by Kylie 'botox' Minogue. Someone should really tell her that someone stapled her eyebrow on too high. She appeared to be dancing with some Asda-brand Daft Punk. Except Daft Punk wouldn't touch her with a bargepole. Oh and miming. Shitly. She's looking almost as past it as Madonna.
Zzzzzz. Sorry fell asleep there for a minute. Mark Ronson won best british male solo artist. Is he even british? I thought he was an American brand of tosser. He came on with a prepared speech! Drop dead you Morrissey-murdering prick. No, really. Urgh, I hate trumpets! Fuck off. Mute! Later he did an awful MEDLEY with all those awful young people you're meant to like but just want to chuck in a pit like they were pigs with foot and mouth. Oh Marky Mark, you're not fit to wipe Morrissey's arse. You look like a dick with that guitar with two fret boards! Do you have three arms? Knob-end!
Kaiser Chiefs! Bet they do a medley. I can't bear to listen though. Leona Lewis- fabulous dress, beautiful, great voice, shame about the personality.
'The Drummer' won best international group (and best album). I love it when Courtney calls him that.
Kate Nash jointly won best stilted singing voice/ Lily Allen bandwagon hopper. And best female. It should've been Emmy The Great! Arctic Monkeys= cocky little shits. Oh and high as kites.
Winehouse does not interest me in any way shape or form. I don't like fake American accent singing voices. I don't like crackheads. She looked less spangled than normal but I wouldn't say entirely sober.
I don't think Sharon quite 'got' Vic Reeves trying to be funny. But then he wasn't that funny. I blame the wife! she sucked the life out of him. There's no going back, he's a husk.
And after not one good act all night, insult gets piled on top of injury, as Paul 'two thumbs up' Mcartney wins the award for Thickest Most Miserable Old Man. That 'Dance The Night Away' song: absolute genius. What a legend. What a hero. What a cunt.
Yegads! Mika kicked of the show with a MEDLEY and the skinniest legs ever. I'm entirely unconvinced by his act. He doesn't look like he enjoys his own music (and why would he?). Bizarrely he was joined by a very pink Beth Ditto and they then sang Standing in The Way Of Control. God I love a medley. But only when it's someone good. Oh no, good people don't do medleys. Scrap that.
They obviously decided Ozzy wasn't fit to present so they roped Jack and Kelly in to help Sharon. Sharon was ridiculously over enthusiastic throughout.
Best Live Act... Take That apparently better than Muse. OK.
Rhianna and the Klaxons! Woo! How ironic! What a mash up of cultures. I'd love to tell you what it was like but I decided to listen to a bit of I Was a Cub Scout instead. I love his lazy way of singing. Oh fucking hell, it's Umbrella again. Get a new trick, pony. She looks ten foot tall. Is she on stilts? Is she shagging Josh Hartnett? Lucky BITCH! Nice lasers though. I miss lasers. Those were the days.
Fearne Cotton- fuck off! We got rid of Cat 'stroke victim' Deeley- you're next! It annoyed me when she called Beth Ditto 'gorgeous' too. Like she'd swap.
Product placement: an advert for Kylie's perfume. Subtle.
Will 'chinny' Young presented an award to Adele (yeah, another one of those dull singer songwriter bints). He was struggling to read off his card. Adele said in a magazine that she was the same dress size as me. If that's true, I need my fucking jaw wired RIGHT NOW. (sorry, that's very anti-women of me- but I've been driven to it by this inanity!) Jonathan Rhys Myers was presented an award with a proper gurn on. To Mika. Next we had a performance by Kylie 'botox' Minogue. Someone should really tell her that someone stapled her eyebrow on too high. She appeared to be dancing with some Asda-brand Daft Punk. Except Daft Punk wouldn't touch her with a bargepole. Oh and miming. Shitly. She's looking almost as past it as Madonna.
Zzzzzz. Sorry fell asleep there for a minute. Mark Ronson won best british male solo artist. Is he even british? I thought he was an American brand of tosser. He came on with a prepared speech! Drop dead you Morrissey-murdering prick. No, really. Urgh, I hate trumpets! Fuck off. Mute! Later he did an awful MEDLEY with all those awful young people you're meant to like but just want to chuck in a pit like they were pigs with foot and mouth. Oh Marky Mark, you're not fit to wipe Morrissey's arse. You look like a dick with that guitar with two fret boards! Do you have three arms? Knob-end!
Kaiser Chiefs! Bet they do a medley. I can't bear to listen though. Leona Lewis- fabulous dress, beautiful, great voice, shame about the personality.
'The Drummer' won best international group (and best album). I love it when Courtney calls him that.
Kate Nash jointly won best stilted singing voice/ Lily Allen bandwagon hopper. And best female. It should've been Emmy The Great! Arctic Monkeys= cocky little shits. Oh and high as kites.
Winehouse does not interest me in any way shape or form. I don't like fake American accent singing voices. I don't like crackheads. She looked less spangled than normal but I wouldn't say entirely sober.
I don't think Sharon quite 'got' Vic Reeves trying to be funny. But then he wasn't that funny. I blame the wife! she sucked the life out of him. There's no going back, he's a husk.
And after not one good act all night, insult gets piled on top of injury, as Paul 'two thumbs up' Mcartney wins the award for Thickest Most Miserable Old Man. That 'Dance The Night Away' song: absolute genius. What a legend. What a hero. What a cunt.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)