The Brit Awards 2012: The cream of the crap

I've blogged the Brit awards a mind-boggling four years in a row. The world is spinning round fast, isn't it? Perhaps I've mellowed and I'll enjoy it this year. What? James Corden is presenting again? Only Keith Lemon (an imaginary but still highly irritating person) is more odious. He's doing the spin-off show? I'll go stick some broken glass up my nose after instead of watching that.
I'm drinking Babycham. I think I might need something stronger. OK, here we go. It's Coldplay! Apparently Courtney Love is friends with Gloopy Paltrow. Can you imagine Courtney hanging out with Chris Martin? Or Beyonce? Scarecrow dreams indeed. Who do you think is the bigger dictator, Chris Martin or Gary Barlow? Only one way to find out, etc.
They should get Russell Brand to present this bag of crap. I'm tired of Adele going I wont do this, I won't do that, I'll never sing again, I'll never write about emotions again, I'll never wear a shapeless black lacy dress again, blah, blah, blah. Go away and never do these things again, then. I keep seeing you everywhere. I did like that pic of her cuddling those Grammys though, it was cute. She should have thrown one at Chris Brown.
Whitney. Is she British now? No? Move along, then.
Florence and the Machine. I never realised the 'machine' was imaginary, I just thought she kept them well hidden, like behind a curtain or something. Can I get away with the dialysis machine joke again? It's not even my joke. Her face looks like it is hanging off, she's got worse jowls than Karl Lagerfield (tm. Alan Carr). Her voice is like a thousand bottles being thrown into a skip and then fed through a mincer. I saw someone accidentally fall into a woodchipping machine on 1000 ways to die, and then spray his workmate with his bloody little human bone chips instead of woodchips. Florence could do the soundtrack to that sort of horror with her eyes closed.
Mentions of Adele so far. 2. Best female solo artist. Kate Bush?! WTF. Anyone but Jessie J. Anyone but Jessie J. Oh, it's Adele. What a surprise. She looks quite lithe. She talks like the proper London girls I know. I like that London accent, it's very genuine.
Talking of lithe, I thought I read James Corden had lost weight? Maybe they just meant that little goblin he used to hang around with.
Good reading off a card, Jack Whitehall. Who the fuck is Aloe Blacc? Sounds like something your mum sends you to buy down Holland and Barrett. Ryan Adams, that's a bit of a curveball. Jessie J just did a 'brrappppp'. You could get chucked out of the Big Brother house for less than that.
I don't get the Bruno Mars thing. He looks like a little dweeb and his music is tragic. He hasn't even got the mooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
That guy walking in front of James Corden provided the biggest laugh of the night so far. Next time, try hiring a comedian.
OLLY MURS. Fucking hell. Forget the crab pinching his feet, that's the sound of a barrel being scraped, reggae-style. When will Olly bring out his range of cooking sauces? More to the point, when will Levi Roots release a single?
I didn't think we were this hard up for talent. Where's Jedward when you need them?
My boyfriend just said 'this is a good song.' about Olly Murs. He's either being deeply ironic or he's gone fucking nuts. My Sky Plus box just skipped-skipped-skipped 2 and a half minutes of that.
Is James Corden still going 'shabba'? I called him out on that dated bollocks last year.
This conversation between Cordy and Jessie J is super-stilted. Seriously, I can't STAND Jessie J. I think that The Voice UK is going to be completely unwatchable, which is a shame as the US version is AMAZING. Tom Jones is even more disgusting than Keith Lemon. Will.i.am (or Mr Adams, as the Daily Mail calls him) is beyond parody. The guy from The Script might be our only hope. At least I don't hate him already.
Now my boyfriend is going 'this is your sort of thing' about some ginger hobbit thing. This is about as far away from 'my sort of thing' as child molesting.
Tinie Tempah (if indeed that's how you spell it). So many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. The end.
What did One Direction just win? Most patronising lyrics? My boyfriend said that song should be renamed 'From Paedos to a Child.' I don't know what he's trying to say. Why are they dressed like snooker players? Looks like Gary Barlow has dressed them.
I'm not even going to comment on Jensen Button. Let's look at these wonderful international female role models. Rhianna. Beyonce. Feist (I know who that is, but 99.8% of that audience don't). Gargoyle.
Is Jessie J sitting with Danny Wallace? Rhianna is thick as pig-shit. I am constantly disappointed by that woman. I've tried so hard to make allowances for her, and not be a victim-blaming dickhead, but there's no getting around it. She's just a dimlo.
My boyfriend just said, 'who is this Ed Sheeran? I don't want his name ever mentioned in this house ever again.' Fair comment.
Noel Gallagher. I'm only interested if he's doing a bolshy interview. Otherwise, he can get off the stage. Oh God, Chris Martin is tinkling the ivories. I need Apple's baby headphones like at that rubbish Live Aid to block out the din (dins).
James Corden: 'tonight is the night that celebrates the best of the musical talent.' But sadly they couldn't make it.
Winehouse tribute. Well, at least she's British. And she's got that London girl accent. I'm surprised Mitch didn't come on and cover one of her tunes 'out of respect'.
Oh, there's Graham from Coronation Street. Also dressed by Gary Barlow. Liked his joke about putting on weight. It's not like Tina has upgraded by going for Tommy Duckworth.
What's Ed Sheeran winning? Worst haircut? Didn't lose his virginity until he was famous award? Most likely to be found in the shade on holiday?
Best British Group. Huey from Fun Loving Criminals is presenting this award. They've got all the top stars, haven't they? Wasn't he on 'It's me or the dog' a couple of years back? It was something like that. I saw Martin Rossiter on a home improvement show once, too. I'm hoping to see Brian Molko on the celebrity version of Pointless soon.
Elbow, lol. I liked it when Jason Grimshaw was singing Elbow songs in Corrie the other day. Jason Grimshaw would never like Elbow. He'd like David Guetta or something. Just to clarify, I hate Elbow. Just to clarify, I hate everything.
One of Coldplay is chewing gum. I hope his mum is watching the TV and poking herself in the eye with a knitting needle.
I actually laughed at Cordy's PJ Harvey and Duncan joke. The shame.
Does Adele just have that one dress? She's like Bart Simpson. I like Adele's personality and her attitude. I just don't like her music. I think she's cute, though. Her voice sounds a bit off today.
LOL Brian May. He's everywhere these days. His hair looks like a tired cobweb. Are Jay Z and Kanye West 'an international group'? How about The Killers? Foo Fighters. Fuck off. Dave Grohl can't even be arsed to do the thank you video. Courtney was right about him.
If you like this Bruno Mars dude, go get your hearing and your eyesight checked out, and then come back and apologise to all of us one by one.
There's not even been a medley tonight. Not even a fucking medley. Cunts!
Lana Del Rey is the first thing I've liked. And I only like two of hers. I think her voice is good, but over a whole album it was a bit annoying. I hope she sings, though. I like the one that goes 'I'm scared you won't be waiting on the other side', it's quite nice.
I hope that disgusting thug isn't there with Rhianna. I heard we didn't let him in the country last time, but I'm sure we'll forgive him and give him an ickle cuddle sooner or later. As if we don't have enough scumbags of our own we could deport. I think Rhianna is so off her head, she doesn't know what day of the week it is. Either that or she's just immature. But I hope she doesn't look back one day and realise that she had the platform of a lifetime and she used it to boast about smoking spliffs and not to save young girl's lives. That's quite a regret and not one I'd like to face in the mirror one day.
Ray Winstone. Not as good as Danny Dyer. But then, what is? Why isn't Phil Daniels presenting this award? Is it cos he died in that cut-and-shut on Eastenders?
So Blur are winning Lifetime Achievement Award. I got the Pointless answer for Blur Top 40 singles on Pointless the other day, Out of Time. I really like Out of Time. I also like The Universal. And Girls and Boys. And To The End. I think that's about it. I saw Superhands in a film the other night (Malice in Wonderland starring Danny Dyer, better than it sounds) and now Damon reminds me of Superhands. I hate Damon Albarn, obviously. Tender is the worst. Stop pacing around. Let Alex James thank cheese, FFS. Without cheese he's NOTHING. NOTHING!
Wrap it up, Damon, FFS. WTF he didn't even let Alex speak. What about the milk cartons? What about Graham Coxon? What about that ginger one? I bet they'll do a medley. Don't let us down, boys/ middle-aged men.
LOL George Michael just showed up, after we misquoted him earlier. Insert Snappy Snaps-outside toilet-smoking spliff joke here. I like George Michael. Not his music, obviously, but I like his devil-may-care attitude. He doesn't seem to give a shit. And I like Freedom by Wham. And Last Christmas, obv.
He's drunk! Is Adele sitting with Ricky Butcher? Well, why not? I could see Adele in Eastenders, giving Bianca a slap. If I still watched it, that is. James Corden just cut Adele's speech short because we've got to hear Girls and Boys. Girls and Boys takes me slap-bang back to the indie disco and being 14 again. I was a teenager for the best era of music ever - grunge (Hole, Smashing Pumpkins) and Britpop (Pulp, Gene etc). To follow that by falling in love with Morrissey and Bright Eyes just seems greedy. No wonder children today have no soul, look what we're feeding them. What do you fucking expect? I'd rather smash a window and nick an iPad than listen to fucking Olly Murs as well.
Holly Willoughby and Louis Spence's dancing was rather amazing. Do you think Graham Coxon is ashamed? Do you think Alex James is plotting his next country fete? Do you think Damon Albarn would rather be collaborating with some African steel band group or an irritating hologram?
Dave Rowntree looks like middle-age has caught up with him faster than the others. If I never hear Song 2 or Beetlebum again it will be too soon. But not as soon as if I ever hear Stuck in the Middle with You again. And yes, I do know that wasn't them.
Parklife just turned up. I wonder how much he gets every time they unearth him to shout over this song. I hope Denise Fox isn't watching telly right now, she'll get a shock. Keep it quiet from Phil Mitchell, too. And Ben.
Graham Coxon looks like he's been taking fashion tips from Jarvis Cocker and the dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards boutique.
I haven't even got a pithy final line. So I'll leave you with this. At least the appalling Jessie J didn't win anything. Maybe by this time next year she'll be a dim and distant memory. We can only hope. Break a leg.

The Brit Awards: Live Bile (sorry, blog)

I've reviewed this two years in a row apparently! I have no memory whatsoever of the other two, such was it's amazing impact. Oh well, third time lucky.
I see they've drafted in James Corden to host. Yeah because he's really popular, isn't he? Such a likeable, handsome, popular man. Now where's that little gargoyle he knocks about with? He's obviously dumped him. Shame, they were such a LOVELY couple, I particularly liked their sexist film and homophobic comedy series.
Take That opening the show. Mark can't sing. Why is he doing a David Bowie voice? His hair looks nice though. Still, he's a ratty rat rat. Never forget! Wow, this song is an enormous din. It's almost making me pine for flood flood flood flood flood flood flood. Sample lyric: 'Out on the streets tonight, they're making peas tonight.' This is so rubbish. Hold on, Mark Owen is waving a Union Jack around! I hope the NME are going to call him a racist for the next ten billion years like they did Morrissey.
Ugh, here's our first glance at Corden-blergh (that was almost like a joke Morrissey himself would make it was so bad).
Look at the Brit award. It looks like a dildo. Sorry Vivienne Westwood.
Best British Male. My pick would be Patrick Wolf. D'ya think he's gonna win it? Do you? Do you? Ah, Dizzie presenting. I love Dizzie. 'Oliday! Graham from Corrie won- his 'rap name' is based on the American morning after pill. He's been writing some great songs since the butchers collapsed. He's speaking like a chav, too. Graham is thanking his publishing company. Heartfelt.
Shit, I'm watching this half an hour behind and I've almost caught up with the adverts already. Sucky. Don't make me watch Eastenders- I don't care about Heather's money problems. I'm just concerned her coat is clashing with her t-shirt.
Adele next. I saw her on Graham Norton recently and she seemed like a bit of a laugh. I don't like her music, but I think she's good, it's just not for me. I think she has a strong voice, but it's just packaged a bit too blandly for my tastes.
The atmosphere looks horrible there, is it at the O2? It's just loads of pricks sitting round tables. The O2 has all the atmosphere of an aircraft hangar, and believe me, I know- I saw Coldplay there.
Fucking hell, Mumford and Sons! I know nothing about them except their hideous name, and my friend is always taking the piss out of them. Ah, now I know the lead singer is fat, too.
Look at all that booze on the table in front of Justin Beiber! I've never been anywhere where there was a giant bucket of booze on the table like that. It looks great. I hope they got him some apple sours, if not, my friend JOTV might still have half a bottle (sorry John) ;)
Is Fearne preggers? She doesn't look her usual twiggy self. British Breakthrough: I don't know much about Tinie Tempah but except he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. Oh and he's religious. I felt like I was at an American awards show for a minute there when God was thanked for his contribution. What did God contribute, anyway? A heavenly thumbs up? Divine inspiration?
Best International album. Well it's obviously The People's Key but it only came out Monday. Recovery by Eminem is an OK album, but I've barely listened to it since I got it, tbh. The highlight was really the horror corridor, and that's about it. Arcade Fire won. I haven't heard that album. I like Power Out and No Cars Go and Rebellion and that's about it. I liked their geeky speech. They're like a cult, I could see them going a bit David Koresh.
UGH to James Corden's SEXIST introduction to Rhianna, where he invited men to jack off to her. Fucking knobhead. Believe it or not she's a sentient human being and a massive popstar, not just a fucking thing for you to wank to, you prick. This song she's singing reminds me of BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK because it's just unbearably shrill. MEDLEY. Ah, is this the bondage one now? 'Sex in the air, I love the smell of it'? Delightful. Her S&M dancemove looked a bit tragic, bless her. Where's all the pastel coloured bondage gear? Oh, she's getting sued, isn't she? She doesn't look very sexy in that grannyish body suit. Cancel the masturbation! I like this third song in her medley best, it's catchier.
Adverts for Justin Beiber and Rhianna! What a coincidence.
And the Exitainment awards for best hair go to: I quite like Ellie Goulding's pink rinse. Critic's choice: Jessie J. I dont know who that is, but she has lovely shiny black hair. It's gleaming!
Oh god, they're trying to push this Mumford and Sons shit on us again. They can't be English, look at them. Oh, christ, it's another cult band. No, you can't have sex with the children! NEXT!
Did someone forget to write any jokes for Corden? Russell Brand must be spinning in his marital bed. He knows how to present an awards show (sort of).
Best International Male. Ceelo Green? Who the fuck is that? I'm out of touch.
Stop telling me to buy stuff off Itunes, Corden. Ahh, Alan Carr. A real star. Why didn't they get him to present instead, he made me laugh in his first sentence. Fuck me, Olly Murs just got nominated for something. They are really raising that bar high.
Time lapse: Some of the people above I wasn't interested in just won other awards.
Ah, Graham from Corrie is doing a turn now. There's not much variety on this show, is there? We already got Eminem, do we need an Eminem who sings like a laydee? This thing with him singing like he's in court is fucking pathetic. Did you run over David Platt again, Graham? Ah, maybe Tina can bake you a cake with a file in it. Why doesn't Corden make a derogatory joke about this shambles? We know why, though, don't we, folks? Ah, Graham's got his Misfits jumpsuit on now. And Take That's riot police! Were they on a buy-one-get-one-free from the fancy dress shop?
Eek, there's a little rat running round on stage. Oh, sorry, it's Avril Lavigne, everyone's least favourite child-divorcee. Will Young- you still around? We got Olly Murs, we don't need you now. And we don't need him either. Time to go to the great Syco popstar crusher in the sky. Hurry along, now.
I cant actually look at Justin Beiber.
Ah, Boy George. You could have been a great Celeb BB contestant.
Laura Marling is alright but a bit boring. I like my singer/songwriters to have a bit more growl. She looked at the wrong camera when she gave her speech.
Oh God, not more Arcade Fire, fuck me. Are they gonna do a medley? They should. 'I woke up with the power out... hiding from your brothers, underneath the covers.' The end.
Mark Ronson: you fucking tosser.
Ah, I wondered when Princess Cheryl would make an appearance. Haven't we shipped her off to the USA yet? Looking at what they've done to Russell Brand she's going to come back talking like Dame Judy Dench. Here's an idea; just stay there instead.
I like Rhianna's dress with the roses. It does look like she's getting married, though. I could get married in that dress. Rhianna, tell James Corden to go stick it up his arse. Now he's dissing the dress. I like that dress!
Oh God, we gotta watch T. Tempah perform now too? I won't! I won't do it! I'll take Heather instead, I'll take Ronnie, I'll even take Auntie Kim. Fuck it!
Best British Group. Do you still care? I choose Placebo. They're British aren't they! *snort*
Ah, apparently Take That are better. I liked Robbie's wife screaming with excitement and Robbie not bothering to hug her. What a cunt that man is. I won't rest until I see his head on a spike.
Robbie seems to think going 'Shabba!' is funny. My friend Dominic used to think that was funny when we worked at Pathmeads Housing Association ten years ago. It wasn't.
THEY JUST KEEP MENTIONING THE SAME FUCKING ACTS. BORING.
Graham from Corrie is trying to justify being a sellout. Just be a glorious sellout like Dizzie Rascal, FFS. He's loving it! You're not going to change any minds by acting like a churlish schoolboy. You're a sellout- get over it and enjoy the lovely cash mountain.
Last award of the night: album of the year. Who's won it? Some cunt we've already seen up there 10 times already, I bet you.
OMG Mumford and Sons are British! Why are they all dressed like Mormons?! They look like they're in fancy dress. Ha, they had to get told off by James Corden for meandering around so much and taking too long. Quick, get the costumes back before the fancy dress shops shut. Run along now.
And the show ended with Ceelo Green, which I'm not even sure I'm spelling right. But I know one thing. It's shit.
LOL I just searched for my last two Brit Awards blogs (here and here if you're really insane) and not only were they better, I made at least three of the same jokes/observations I made here in them. And one of them was from 2008, I must have actually gone out in 2009.
The result of this research? Maybe MY time is up too? Oh, tastemakers, give me another chance. I'll do better next time, mummy.