I've reviewed this two years in a row apparently! I have no memory whatsoever of the other two, such was it's amazing impact. Oh well, third time lucky.
I see they've drafted in James Corden to host. Yeah because he's really popular, isn't he? Such a likeable, handsome, popular man. Now where's that little gargoyle he knocks about with? He's obviously dumped him. Shame, they were such a LOVELY couple, I particularly liked their sexist film and homophobic comedy series.
Take That opening the show. Mark can't sing. Why is he doing a David Bowie voice? His hair looks nice though. Still, he's a ratty rat rat. Never forget! Wow, this song is an enormous din. It's almost making me pine for flood flood flood flood flood flood flood. Sample lyric: 'Out on the streets tonight, they're making peas tonight.' This is so rubbish. Hold on, Mark Owen is waving a Union Jack around! I hope the NME are going to call him a racist for the next ten billion years like they did Morrissey.
Ugh, here's our first glance at Corden-blergh (that was almost like a joke Morrissey himself would make it was so bad).
Look at the Brit award. It looks like a dildo. Sorry Vivienne Westwood.
Best British Male. My pick would be Patrick Wolf. D'ya think he's gonna win it? Do you? Do you? Ah, Dizzie presenting. I love Dizzie. 'Oliday! Graham from Corrie won- his 'rap name' is based on the American morning after pill. He's been writing some great songs since the butchers collapsed. He's speaking like a chav, too. Graham is thanking his publishing company. Heartfelt.
Shit, I'm watching this half an hour behind and I've almost caught up with the adverts already. Sucky. Don't make me watch Eastenders- I don't care about Heather's money problems. I'm just concerned her coat is clashing with her t-shirt.
Adele next. I saw her on Graham Norton recently and she seemed like a bit of a laugh. I don't like her music, but I think she's good, it's just not for me. I think she has a strong voice, but it's just packaged a bit too blandly for my tastes.
The atmosphere looks horrible there, is it at the O2? It's just loads of pricks sitting round tables. The O2 has all the atmosphere of an aircraft hangar, and believe me, I know- I saw Coldplay there.
Fucking hell, Mumford and Sons! I know nothing about them except their hideous name, and my friend is always taking the piss out of them. Ah, now I know the lead singer is fat, too.
Look at all that booze on the table in front of Justin Beiber! I've never been anywhere where there was a giant bucket of booze on the table like that. It looks great. I hope they got him some apple sours, if not, my friend JOTV might still have half a bottle (sorry John) ;)
Is Fearne preggers? She doesn't look her usual twiggy self. British Breakthrough: I don't know much about Tinie Tempah but except he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. Oh and he's religious. I felt like I was at an American awards show for a minute there when God was thanked for his contribution. What did God contribute, anyway? A heavenly thumbs up? Divine inspiration?
Best International album. Well it's obviously The People's Key but it only came out Monday. Recovery by Eminem is an OK album, but I've barely listened to it since I got it, tbh. The highlight was really the horror corridor, and that's about it. Arcade Fire won. I haven't heard that album. I like Power Out and No Cars Go and Rebellion and that's about it. I liked their geeky speech. They're like a cult, I could see them going a bit David Koresh.
UGH to James Corden's SEXIST introduction to Rhianna, where he invited men to jack off to her. Fucking knobhead. Believe it or not she's a sentient human being and a massive popstar, not just a fucking thing for you to wank to, you prick. This song she's singing reminds me of BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK because it's just unbearably shrill. MEDLEY. Ah, is this the bondage one now? 'Sex in the air, I love the smell of it'? Delightful. Her S&M dancemove looked a bit tragic, bless her. Where's all the pastel coloured bondage gear? Oh, she's getting sued, isn't she? She doesn't look very sexy in that grannyish body suit. Cancel the masturbation! I like this third song in her medley best, it's catchier.
Adverts for Justin Beiber and Rhianna! What a coincidence.
And the Exitainment awards for best hair go to: I quite like Ellie Goulding's pink rinse. Critic's choice: Jessie J. I dont know who that is, but she has lovely shiny black hair. It's gleaming!
Oh god, they're trying to push this Mumford and Sons shit on us again. They can't be English, look at them. Oh, christ, it's another cult band. No, you can't have sex with the children! NEXT!
Did someone forget to write any jokes for Corden? Russell Brand must be spinning in his marital bed. He knows how to present an awards show (sort of).
Best International Male. Ceelo Green? Who the fuck is that? I'm out of touch.
Stop telling me to buy stuff off Itunes, Corden. Ahh, Alan Carr. A real star. Why didn't they get him to present instead, he made me laugh in his first sentence. Fuck me, Olly Murs just got nominated for something. They are really raising that bar high.
Time lapse: Some of the people above I wasn't interested in just won other awards.
Ah, Graham from Corrie is doing a turn now. There's not much variety on this show, is there? We already got Eminem, do we need an Eminem who sings like a laydee? This thing with him singing like he's in court is fucking pathetic. Did you run over David Platt again, Graham? Ah, maybe Tina can bake you a cake with a file in it. Why doesn't Corden make a derogatory joke about this shambles? We know why, though, don't we, folks? Ah, Graham's got his Misfits jumpsuit on now. And Take That's riot police! Were they on a buy-one-get-one-free from the fancy dress shop?
Eek, there's a little rat running round on stage. Oh, sorry, it's Avril Lavigne, everyone's least favourite child-divorcee. Will Young- you still around? We got Olly Murs, we don't need you now. And we don't need him either. Time to go to the great Syco popstar crusher in the sky. Hurry along, now.
I cant actually look at Justin Beiber.
Ah, Boy George. You could have been a great Celeb BB contestant.
Laura Marling is alright but a bit boring. I like my singer/songwriters to have a bit more growl. She looked at the wrong camera when she gave her speech.
Oh God, not more Arcade Fire, fuck me. Are they gonna do a medley? They should. 'I woke up with the power out... hiding from your brothers, underneath the covers.' The end.
Mark Ronson: you fucking tosser.
Ah, I wondered when Princess Cheryl would make an appearance. Haven't we shipped her off to the USA yet? Looking at what they've done to Russell Brand she's going to come back talking like Dame Judy Dench. Here's an idea; just stay there instead.
I like Rhianna's dress with the roses. It does look like she's getting married, though. I could get married in that dress. Rhianna, tell James Corden to go stick it up his arse. Now he's dissing the dress. I like that dress!
Oh God, we gotta watch T. Tempah perform now too? I won't! I won't do it! I'll take Heather instead, I'll take Ronnie, I'll even take Auntie Kim. Fuck it!
Best British Group. Do you still care? I choose Placebo. They're British aren't they! *snort*
Ah, apparently Take That are better. I liked Robbie's wife screaming with excitement and Robbie not bothering to hug her. What a cunt that man is. I won't rest until I see his head on a spike.
Robbie seems to think going 'Shabba!' is funny. My friend Dominic used to think that was funny when we worked at Pathmeads Housing Association ten years ago. It wasn't.
THEY JUST KEEP MENTIONING THE SAME FUCKING ACTS. BORING.
Graham from Corrie is trying to justify being a sellout. Just be a glorious sellout like Dizzie Rascal, FFS. He's loving it! You're not going to change any minds by acting like a churlish schoolboy. You're a sellout- get over it and enjoy the lovely cash mountain.
Last award of the night: album of the year. Who's won it? Some cunt we've already seen up there 10 times already, I bet you.
OMG Mumford and Sons are British! Why are they all dressed like Mormons?! They look like they're in fancy dress. Ha, they had to get told off by James Corden for meandering around so much and taking too long. Quick, get the costumes back before the fancy dress shops shut. Run along now.
And the show ended with Ceelo Green, which I'm not even sure I'm spelling right. But I know one thing. It's shit.
LOL I just searched for my last two Brit Awards blogs (here and here if you're really insane) and not only were they better, I made at least three of the same jokes/observations I made here in them. And one of them was from 2008, I must have actually gone out in 2009.
The result of this research? Maybe MY time is up too? Oh, tastemakers, give me another chance. I'll do better next time, mummy.