Hello! I've been a big blog-dry lately but with Big Brother on next week, I thought it was time to get back in the saddle. So these are the live shows? What was the rest of it? I've actually been enjoying The Voice in a very much brain-off sort of a way. The shows are too long, though. And I'd probably enjoy this show more if they hadn't ditched the people I liked pretty much every single round.
Jessie J's bald head suits her, which is surprising as she's got a face like a shovel. Jessie J really reminds me of a dying Jade Goody lately, and the bald head isn't helping. RIP.
Holly's gone for strapless, which is brave. I don't think curvy girls can do strapless, but I'd hate to comment on all the WOMEN'S appearances without slagging off the men. Trouble is, the men are so boring in their appearances that they're barely worth mentioning. What is Reggie doing there again? At least for once it's a man in an utterly pointless supporting role.
I like this Matt guy who looks a bit like will.i.am (no he DOES, I'm not being racist). I like his clothes and he appears to have some real talent. Why are they putting him on first?! Dear Lord, what is this song they've give him? Dreadful. It's like something the Lion King, except not catchy. The song choices have been awful for weeks. They were meant to be able to choose their own songs last week, and the judges just railroaded them into picking the songs they wanted, or just wouldn't put them through to spite them. Tom Jones: 'he kicked it.' Kicked what? The bucket? It was duff, let's just admit it. Jessie J did a boo-boo.
Next up: a Welsh person Tom Jones put through. This is news right up there with Louis Walsh putting an Irish person through. They just ask for the passport and the person doesn't even bother having to sing. Oh, no, sorry, he's Jessie's, my mistake. Can't we have a break from looking at Jessie, please?
This is that fat dude. They've put him in a shirt reminiscent of when Violet Beauregarde blows up in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is anyone going to do a song we've heard of? This is like me being a judge and getting my acts to all do obscure early Conor Oberst tracks. Simon Cowell wouldn't let this shit fly.
I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful and she was really good last week. Jessie has given out another dire song, like a slowed-down disco song, and put her in some disgusting shiny leggings. She's never going to get through with a song choice like that. Cruel.
So Jessie gets to put one of her own acts though? Why? Why can't we choose now? Jessie J telling the audience off for enjoying themselves. Typically, she put through the person I like the least, Ash. If she hates something, I'm guaranteed to love it and vice versa.
Next up is team Tom... and Alys. Remember Leanne Mitchell who won last year? Well she's like her. Yet another song I've never heard of. I haven't known one song yet. I mean, I know doing Mariah Carey's Hero is a bit old hat, but could we have something middle ground? Something from the past 15 years that's popular? Tom Jones said 'if Alys does touch you emotionally you need to get your emotions looked at.' Tell it to your wife, bitch. I so LOVE someone going on incessantly about their kids.
Next up is Joseph. I'm really getting bored now. His voice isn't bad. Is he a superstar? No.
Next is Mike, the guy who looks like a rapper but sings country. Wonderful. We don't have country music here! Not a niche that needs filling. Go away. Tom Jones looks like he's nodding off in the old people's home again. Tom put through country dude. Zzzz.
Next up is Andrea... oh, God. Lovely voice, shame about the personality and the hair. Mind you, she is blind, the hair isn't really her fault. Seriously, who is styling her? She always looks like she's about to go to the wedding of someone she doesn't like. Danny is bopping about as if something amazing is happening. It isn't. She has a nice voice. That's it. There's no X Factor here, I'm afraid. To say otherwise is patronising. Well done, Andrea, you chose a song. And Danny will put you through. Next!
Mitchell 'loves rock music'. Last week he sung Lady Ant-whatherface, the one about being drunk and making a booty call. I thought that song was a joke the first time I heard it. He also murdered something else recently but I can't remember what it was. Ah... he's reimaging 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons. I only like 'It's Time' by them. That song is so good and then all their others are a bit blah. Ooh, they've put wub wubs on it. HE'S GOT RIPPED JEANS ON. He must be rock. CASE CLOSED. His hair is too fine to be rock. Danny's gurning is better best forgotten. Holly had to apologise because Mitchell said 'Jesus Christ.' Are we that sensitive? Dear me. He's not 'a rock star'. He's a pub singer.
I still have no clue why this Karl guy got put straight through last week. He's like a fat Ray Quinn. It's like when Arg gets up to sing in TOWIE and I don't even watch that show. He like a sweatier Tommy Duckworth. I like this song and he's RUINING IT! He's putting zero emotion into it. KEY CHANGE. Oh, he's blaming his earpiece for being out of time.
Danny put Andrea though, as I predicted about ten minutes ago. It can't feel good for her to know he's propping her up, I'd rather the public had a say if I were her.
Will's team has the best people; they're more individual. Will is talking gibberish, have his meds kicked in? Leanne aka Chantelle Houghton is good, I like her. She's quite draggy, but there's just something loveable about her. Her performance is super camp; it reminds me of Rylan, but she can sing, too. I don't like the song but at least it's got a bit of drama to it.
Cleo is doing Imagine. Why? It doesn't suit her and it's an awful song. She oversang it. I like her but that was not the right choice for her.
I like Leah, I think she's cute, she reminds me of Shirley Manson. She looks like she should be in Corrie in the 60s. Oh dear Lord, she's doing a slowed down version of I Will Survive, a song that demands to be sung along to. I was singing along to Cake's version in my car earlier. I like her, but Will's song choices were iffy. I hope she DOES survive.
Will is tweeting the person he's putting through. Cos he's an idiot. Oh it's Leah. Cool. Will hasn't quite got this 'being on TV' thing sorted.
That Tyler guy I didn't like last year is back singing an awful song. He looks stoned. Oh and here's the guy who wears horrible vests. We've had Rylan since you, mate, your services aren't required.
Yay, here's Bo Bruce! A person who actually looks like a popstar. Danny is doing a 'blank-what-is-he-thinking' face and singing the words to her song wrong. I'd like to play poker against this guy. He's almost see-through! I REALLY like Bo's album, I've been listening to it loads. Wow, Leanne looks like she's put on about three stone. My boyfriend said she was fat anyway but I didn't remember her looking like Supernanny. Bo blows her out of the water. Oh God, I can't do the results show as well. I just can't. I'm posting this. I'll tweet a comment on the results AS IF YOU CARE.
Come back Big Brother, quick!
Showing posts with label jessie j. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jessie j. Show all posts
Friday, 7 June 2013
Saturday, 30 March 2013
The Voice UK: Series 2 (why?)
Roll up roll up for series 2 of The Voice! Remember how last year it created international superstar Leanne Mitchell, who's highly relevant cover of Whitney Houston's Run to You went to number 45? Bit embarrassing, isn't it? I notice how they're trying to smear her name by saying that she didn't want to do publicity. As if. I personally hold Tom Jones personally responsible. He doesn't know his arse from his elbow. The fact they haven't got some new judges in is unforgivable - not one of them has an ounce of charisma or talent between them.
Will.i.am: the world is watching. I doubt it, iPlayer only works in the UK and no one would bother to pirate it. My boyfriend is already ranting after agreeing to watch it.
It's an insult that they are going on about how brilliant the judges are, when the contestants amount to nothing. I don't know how they have the gall.
Reggie: 'the judges have over a hundred years experience to share.' And 90 of those are Tom Jones's.
I had to forwards though the four of them performing because I'm trying to get drunk and don't want to be violently ill.
Where's Jessie J's shaved head? This shit isn't even live. Jessie J has got Grotbags nails. I will admit her shaved head looked pretty good.
This first contestant has even shorter legs than me and he's from the VALLEYS. They should make all the contestants fat and ugly. He's also got a scunt on. My boyfriend just said, 'Rick Waller.'
Why are we getting subtitles? This is hammier than usual. Are their mics broken? I miss Adam Levine on the US version and I never thought I'd say that. I definitely miss Cee Lo and Christina.
Tom and this Ash guy are talking solely about Welsh things. I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned Kelly Jones or Catatonia yet. These judges make insincerity look like an artform.
Did Jessie J just say 'there's a difference between singing and sanging?' Yeah, a tense. She thinks she's Nicole Scherzinger now. Will.i.am has not offered to make this guy a star in Malaysia, Singapore or the Czech Republic.
If you had to spend a day with one of the judges, which one would you pick? I think I'd have to go for Will.i.am but then I'd have to hear about him going on about UFOs. I get enough of that at home.
The second contestant Danny looks like he's dressed out of the lost property box at school. He's got the cold dead eyes of a killer. He's singing the dreariest song I've ever heard.
Will.i.am's not wearing his little Lego costumes tonight. Jessie's got loads of producers phone numbers: shame she didn't pass one to Leanne Mitchell.
Oh there's Reggie. How much does he get paid for doing nothing?
Tom Jones looks a leathery old scrotum. He makes me want to renounce humanity. Is this how they've revamped the show, by cutting in fake arguments and bits of them mucking about?
The next contestant has dip dye hair. Is that still in? I can't talk, just dyed mine pastel pink two years after slagging off the stylist who forced Amelia Lily to do it. She's cute so I'm guessing she can't sing as that seems to be the rule. Oh, she's also orange and looks like she's dressed off the market.
Is there a rule they have to sing the most boring songs humanly possible? It makes you pine for Rylan doing Gangnam Style and facing off with GB.
Jessie J seems to have ants in her pants tonight. She just did a massive sniff so we're assuming she's coked off her head, because she's acting nutso. Jessie J has all the eloquence of Arg of Towie. Danny O' Ditchwater is looking genuinely concerned about her. Jessie, please stop doing that fake America accent. I WISH Dizzie Rascal was a judge on this show, he was really good on Must be the Music. He was 10 times better than all of this lot put together.
This next contestant loves Elton John. My boyfriend is getting really mad. He says the BBC can't do reality show and has denounced Fame Academy. But I loved Fame Academy, and Ainslie and Lemar. This show makes Fame Academy look like Breaking Bad.
The next contestant is blind. She's got the Christopher Maloney shakes. Aw, she didn't know if anyone turned round. Danny told her he did, but not Tom! Pick Danny, Tom doesn't give a shit about his contestants.
God, this show does suck. Even I'm losing steam with it. I've got The Walking Dead and three episodes of Big Brother Canada to watch, heeeeeeey!
Danny: 'there's only one thing that doesn't lie and that's the hairs on my arms.' Is that a chat up line? I'm imagining them whispering to him now: 'what are you wearing?'
Ooh this next one's from Northampton, my home turf. She's got pink hair too, it's obviously a theme. She doesn't sound like she's from Northampton. She can't sing, but she has got boots on. She was off key, I'm afraid. Back to the shoe museum it is.
Jessie stop going on about being a FEMALE, we know you're a FEMALE. I hate advice like 'work on your breathing.' I love it when singers run out of breath or you can hear them catch their breath or they hit a bum note. Imperfection is amazing, if it's real, if you can sing anyway, or if your voice has enough character.
Danny is bragging he's been on Letterman and Ellen. LOL.
These filler bits are awful. Ooh is this next guy a rapper? Sweet! Bad white rappers are brilliant. Oh they don't normally do humiliating ones on this show, do they? Maybe they're making an exception. Do people still shave a bit into their eyebrow like that? I thought (hoped) that died with Vanilla Ice.
Oh what, they set it up for him to rap and he came on and sang some duff country song. SWIZZ!
Danny: 'country singers are very rare.' Have you seen X Factor US or American Idol lately? They're full to the fucking brim with those cunts! We don't need that shit over here, thanks. It's bad enough when Bright Eyes ruins a good song with that sound.
Oh Will.i.am, shut your face. Jessie J: 'the greatest vocal acrobats the world has ever seen'? Well, compared to Fergie, maybe. I personally find her voice like nails down a blackboard, but with with the added 'uh!' thrown in for no reason. There's more padding in this show than in Olly Murs's pants.
The next contestant has the dying nan card in her back pocket. That card has been played tooooooo many times! Nans die, that's the whole point of them. If you die before your nan, something's not right with the world. This girl sings like 'why use one syllable when you can use 25?' She sounds like she's trying to escape being strangled. Cute, though. Danny's eyeing up his next girlfriend. There should be laws against that since Jimmy Savile-gate.
LOL next up is Kavanagh! He shouldn't get a second shot at success. I do remember that song. He's like a singing Sean Maguire. Something looks like it's happened to his face. Why is he doing this song??? It makes me want to shoot myself. His voice sounds reedy. No one turned round because he was crap. Soz. Is someone going to pretend to recognise him? Aw, Danny's been given the job of pretending to remember who he is. Transparent and contrived. Kavanagh, you've had your fifteen minutes. Fuck off.
I'm dreaming this is over. So's Jessie J, waiting for her next fix. This last guy is obviously meant to be the one we've all been waiting for. And it would be, if he's turned up to a Will.i.am lookalike competition. Well, it's a no from me. And it's not like I'm watching Saturday Night Takeaway either. It's all trite rubbish for the masses. Now, I'm going to watch my zombie drama and international Big Brother. Cos I'm highbrow! Happy Easter.
Will.i.am: the world is watching. I doubt it, iPlayer only works in the UK and no one would bother to pirate it. My boyfriend is already ranting after agreeing to watch it.
It's an insult that they are going on about how brilliant the judges are, when the contestants amount to nothing. I don't know how they have the gall.
Reggie: 'the judges have over a hundred years experience to share.' And 90 of those are Tom Jones's.
I had to forwards though the four of them performing because I'm trying to get drunk and don't want to be violently ill.
Where's Jessie J's shaved head? This shit isn't even live. Jessie J has got Grotbags nails. I will admit her shaved head looked pretty good.
This first contestant has even shorter legs than me and he's from the VALLEYS. They should make all the contestants fat and ugly. He's also got a scunt on. My boyfriend just said, 'Rick Waller.'
Why are we getting subtitles? This is hammier than usual. Are their mics broken? I miss Adam Levine on the US version and I never thought I'd say that. I definitely miss Cee Lo and Christina.
Tom and this Ash guy are talking solely about Welsh things. I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned Kelly Jones or Catatonia yet. These judges make insincerity look like an artform.
Did Jessie J just say 'there's a difference between singing and sanging?' Yeah, a tense. She thinks she's Nicole Scherzinger now. Will.i.am has not offered to make this guy a star in Malaysia, Singapore or the Czech Republic.
If you had to spend a day with one of the judges, which one would you pick? I think I'd have to go for Will.i.am but then I'd have to hear about him going on about UFOs. I get enough of that at home.
The second contestant Danny looks like he's dressed out of the lost property box at school. He's got the cold dead eyes of a killer. He's singing the dreariest song I've ever heard.
Will.i.am's not wearing his little Lego costumes tonight. Jessie's got loads of producers phone numbers: shame she didn't pass one to Leanne Mitchell.
Oh there's Reggie. How much does he get paid for doing nothing?
Tom Jones looks a leathery old scrotum. He makes me want to renounce humanity. Is this how they've revamped the show, by cutting in fake arguments and bits of them mucking about?
The next contestant has dip dye hair. Is that still in? I can't talk, just dyed mine pastel pink two years after slagging off the stylist who forced Amelia Lily to do it. She's cute so I'm guessing she can't sing as that seems to be the rule. Oh, she's also orange and looks like she's dressed off the market.
Is there a rule they have to sing the most boring songs humanly possible? It makes you pine for Rylan doing Gangnam Style and facing off with GB.
Jessie J seems to have ants in her pants tonight. She just did a massive sniff so we're assuming she's coked off her head, because she's acting nutso. Jessie J has all the eloquence of Arg of Towie. Danny O' Ditchwater is looking genuinely concerned about her. Jessie, please stop doing that fake America accent. I WISH Dizzie Rascal was a judge on this show, he was really good on Must be the Music. He was 10 times better than all of this lot put together.
This next contestant loves Elton John. My boyfriend is getting really mad. He says the BBC can't do reality show and has denounced Fame Academy. But I loved Fame Academy, and Ainslie and Lemar. This show makes Fame Academy look like Breaking Bad.
The next contestant is blind. She's got the Christopher Maloney shakes. Aw, she didn't know if anyone turned round. Danny told her he did, but not Tom! Pick Danny, Tom doesn't give a shit about his contestants.
God, this show does suck. Even I'm losing steam with it. I've got The Walking Dead and three episodes of Big Brother Canada to watch, heeeeeeey!
Danny: 'there's only one thing that doesn't lie and that's the hairs on my arms.' Is that a chat up line? I'm imagining them whispering to him now: 'what are you wearing?'
Ooh this next one's from Northampton, my home turf. She's got pink hair too, it's obviously a theme. She doesn't sound like she's from Northampton. She can't sing, but she has got boots on. She was off key, I'm afraid. Back to the shoe museum it is.
Jessie stop going on about being a FEMALE, we know you're a FEMALE. I hate advice like 'work on your breathing.' I love it when singers run out of breath or you can hear them catch their breath or they hit a bum note. Imperfection is amazing, if it's real, if you can sing anyway, or if your voice has enough character.
Danny is bragging he's been on Letterman and Ellen. LOL.
These filler bits are awful. Ooh is this next guy a rapper? Sweet! Bad white rappers are brilliant. Oh they don't normally do humiliating ones on this show, do they? Maybe they're making an exception. Do people still shave a bit into their eyebrow like that? I thought (hoped) that died with Vanilla Ice.
Oh what, they set it up for him to rap and he came on and sang some duff country song. SWIZZ!
Danny: 'country singers are very rare.' Have you seen X Factor US or American Idol lately? They're full to the fucking brim with those cunts! We don't need that shit over here, thanks. It's bad enough when Bright Eyes ruins a good song with that sound.
Oh Will.i.am, shut your face. Jessie J: 'the greatest vocal acrobats the world has ever seen'? Well, compared to Fergie, maybe. I personally find her voice like nails down a blackboard, but with with the added 'uh!' thrown in for no reason. There's more padding in this show than in Olly Murs's pants.
The next contestant has the dying nan card in her back pocket. That card has been played tooooooo many times! Nans die, that's the whole point of them. If you die before your nan, something's not right with the world. This girl sings like 'why use one syllable when you can use 25?' She sounds like she's trying to escape being strangled. Cute, though. Danny's eyeing up his next girlfriend. There should be laws against that since Jimmy Savile-gate.
LOL next up is Kavanagh! He shouldn't get a second shot at success. I do remember that song. He's like a singing Sean Maguire. Something looks like it's happened to his face. Why is he doing this song??? It makes me want to shoot myself. His voice sounds reedy. No one turned round because he was crap. Soz. Is someone going to pretend to recognise him? Aw, Danny's been given the job of pretending to remember who he is. Transparent and contrived. Kavanagh, you've had your fifteen minutes. Fuck off.
I'm dreaming this is over. So's Jessie J, waiting for her next fix. This last guy is obviously meant to be the one we've all been waiting for. And it would be, if he's turned up to a Will.i.am lookalike competition. Well, it's a no from me. And it's not like I'm watching Saturday Night Takeaway either. It's all trite rubbish for the masses. Now, I'm going to watch my zombie drama and international Big Brother. Cos I'm highbrow! Happy Easter.
Saturday, 2 June 2012
The Voice: The Final
Well here we are and already I'm hearing the fucking word 'jubilee'. Is there no escape? What has the Voice got to do with the Queen? Cunting bunting! In other news, Holly's come as a dominatrix.
Danny's coming on strong with the sob story already. She doesn't need it. I'm SURE Bo will win it. How could she not?
Uh oh, Bo's on first. Never a good sign as you get forgotten.
Nothing Compares 2 U seems a bit of an obvious choice but I think it was her best performance yet. Her voice sounded the best I'd ever heard it and it make me do a little weep. Even the sight of Danny's ridiculous gurning face couldn't spoil it. Will only had faint praise for her; tactics.
Leanne has a really strong voice but I do think she lacks the personality to be a popstar. There's also a problem with her song choice; ie. her mentor. He just makes her too old fashioned all the time and does the most obvious choices.
Amy Winehouse's corpse is being wheeled out again; honestly this Tyler dude is getting more mileage out of that tragedy than Mitch, and that's saying something..
What is this awful song Tyler Dur-done is singing? I think he's overdoing the falsetto. Nothing about him appeals to me on any level.
Why are the judges all standing up? It's making me feel nervous like they're getting ready to leave.
Vince: 'in the line up of contestants I felt like a little zoo animal.' You look like a contrived little twonk. Oh, he's come out wearing Rita Sullivan's jacket. And PVC leggings. Then Jessie J says he styles himself like a proud mother. He looks like he hasn't got dressed out of a 10p box at a jumble sale and he's off to a go to a gay disco. Man chooses horrible clothes. Give him a lollipop.
Jessie J's 'we saved the best for last.' How can you lie like that? That song barely even had a tune. And he was going 'huh!' in it. I'd never heard it in my life but it sounded like something out of the fucking Lion King. I think it's kamikaze-like to sing a song no one's heard in the final. Oh well, I think Bo is going to get about 50% of the votes by the looks of things.
Duets time should be amusing. Not sure about this Professor Green song! OMG Danny rapping just made me piss myself with laughter. Was that like a dream he had that he thought was a good idea? There are very few white men that can rap. And then there's Danny. I'm not sure if that will help or hinder Bo because I could barely hear her over the sound of my own cackling.
Tom Jones is a bit vain doing his own song; mind you, he's probably too old to learn the lyrics to new things now. I fucking despise all of his music without exception. It's times like this I want to fast forward through time. A completely irrelevant performance; just like Tom himself.
It will be interested to see Will sing as he admitted that he can't. He is doing some flying, though, just as good. So far he's sung 'oh oh oh oh'. This song is fucking horrible. It's making me want to puke, and he sounds out of tune. Will's final 'contribution' to that was going 'brap, brap, brap.' This is a serious car crash. That is the exact song they've got playing in hell.
My boyfriend just described Vince and Jessie J as Pat Butcher and Kat Slater. Danny was a lot more shrewd than Jessie taking Bo busking, rather than her just showing off about playing Wembley.
I think Jessie J has some sort of tourettes when she sings. Huh! Karma! Fuck off. Is this one of her rubbish songs? I hate the way she sings SO MUCH. I just despise everything about her, she's just 100% fake. She's got no heart or soul, she's just a stage school android, a walking cliché. Pinky swear. Nononononononononononono: again, hilarity times.
This Ed Sheeran song is like the musical version of that final tablet they give you in Dignitas just before you do a death rattle. Indie by numbers sung by a schoolboy. 'I can wrap my finger round your thumb?' I'd rather wrap them around your neck, you po-faced little cunt.
RECAP RECAP RECAP!
I'm quite shocked that Vince went out first. I thought he'd be one of the favourites. Still, at least it's one in the eye for Jessie. That's where singing a song no one knows gets you.
Couldn't they have done a new song at the end? Come on FFS, is this an entertainment show or what? Also I thought Coldplay was Bo's worst week. Lazy work by the producers, there. They should of got her to sing her own song Raising Arizona to prove she's not just a karaoke puppet like these others.
DO NOT let Leanne win. She's got a good voice but they've pigeon-holed her into a corner.
Ah, our last chance to look into Tyler's cold, dead eyes. Another horrid song from him.
William stop standing on his chair like an insolent toddler. Someone should press the revolving button and give him a shock. Now go sit on the naughty step until you've learnt how to behave like a big boy. Did Tyler really sing a Chris Brown song? Fucking disgusting. And on the BBC, too. I'm going to write to Jeremy Vine.
Ah, Adam Levine. I've not had a chance to laugh at him for a good fortnight. I do have a bit of a soft spot for him now, because he's such an unbridled douchebag you can't help admire him for it. Adam's gonna have beef with William for slagging off the winner of The Voice from last year. That was Adam's fucking act! Lols. Moves Like Jagger is always good for a laugh.
Look at that giant fucking Union Jack! Morrissey virtually got exiled for picking one up off a floor.
I'm trying to think of two people I'd rather see less on stage than Jessie J and Tom Jones. I can only think of Robbie Williams and Chris Brown.
This judges medley is bare jokes. William's trying to sing again, bless. P-p-p-p-p-p-price tag! This has literally been like a comedy tonight.
And the result is...
Leanne won! Are you fucking KIDDING me? WTF. That was the worst person possible; what's she going to release, a cover of Unchained Melody? Well at least it means Bo can do her own music with her own label. Danny should sort it out for her. This also means that TOM JONES won. Hang your heads in fucking shame, Britain.
Why, why, why, why, why? Could it have been because she went first? Or do I just live in a country full of deaf mainstream sheeple? I'm sure the lizards are involved, either way. Fuck this country and the Queen, and the Olympics too. Illuminati, the lot of them. Enjoy your jubilee and your flotilla and your cucumber sandwiches, you sods. THE END!
Danny's coming on strong with the sob story already. She doesn't need it. I'm SURE Bo will win it. How could she not?
Uh oh, Bo's on first. Never a good sign as you get forgotten.
Nothing Compares 2 U seems a bit of an obvious choice but I think it was her best performance yet. Her voice sounded the best I'd ever heard it and it make me do a little weep. Even the sight of Danny's ridiculous gurning face couldn't spoil it. Will only had faint praise for her; tactics.
Leanne has a really strong voice but I do think she lacks the personality to be a popstar. There's also a problem with her song choice; ie. her mentor. He just makes her too old fashioned all the time and does the most obvious choices.
Amy Winehouse's corpse is being wheeled out again; honestly this Tyler dude is getting more mileage out of that tragedy than Mitch, and that's saying something..
What is this awful song Tyler Dur-done is singing? I think he's overdoing the falsetto. Nothing about him appeals to me on any level.
Why are the judges all standing up? It's making me feel nervous like they're getting ready to leave.
Vince: 'in the line up of contestants I felt like a little zoo animal.' You look like a contrived little twonk. Oh, he's come out wearing Rita Sullivan's jacket. And PVC leggings. Then Jessie J says he styles himself like a proud mother. He looks like he hasn't got dressed out of a 10p box at a jumble sale and he's off to a go to a gay disco. Man chooses horrible clothes. Give him a lollipop.
Jessie J's 'we saved the best for last.' How can you lie like that? That song barely even had a tune. And he was going 'huh!' in it. I'd never heard it in my life but it sounded like something out of the fucking Lion King. I think it's kamikaze-like to sing a song no one's heard in the final. Oh well, I think Bo is going to get about 50% of the votes by the looks of things.
Duets time should be amusing. Not sure about this Professor Green song! OMG Danny rapping just made me piss myself with laughter. Was that like a dream he had that he thought was a good idea? There are very few white men that can rap. And then there's Danny. I'm not sure if that will help or hinder Bo because I could barely hear her over the sound of my own cackling.
Tom Jones is a bit vain doing his own song; mind you, he's probably too old to learn the lyrics to new things now. I fucking despise all of his music without exception. It's times like this I want to fast forward through time. A completely irrelevant performance; just like Tom himself.
It will be interested to see Will sing as he admitted that he can't. He is doing some flying, though, just as good. So far he's sung 'oh oh oh oh'. This song is fucking horrible. It's making me want to puke, and he sounds out of tune. Will's final 'contribution' to that was going 'brap, brap, brap.' This is a serious car crash. That is the exact song they've got playing in hell.
My boyfriend just described Vince and Jessie J as Pat Butcher and Kat Slater. Danny was a lot more shrewd than Jessie taking Bo busking, rather than her just showing off about playing Wembley.
I think Jessie J has some sort of tourettes when she sings. Huh! Karma! Fuck off. Is this one of her rubbish songs? I hate the way she sings SO MUCH. I just despise everything about her, she's just 100% fake. She's got no heart or soul, she's just a stage school android, a walking cliché. Pinky swear. Nononononononononononono: again, hilarity times.
This Ed Sheeran song is like the musical version of that final tablet they give you in Dignitas just before you do a death rattle. Indie by numbers sung by a schoolboy. 'I can wrap my finger round your thumb?' I'd rather wrap them around your neck, you po-faced little cunt.
RECAP RECAP RECAP!
I'm quite shocked that Vince went out first. I thought he'd be one of the favourites. Still, at least it's one in the eye for Jessie. That's where singing a song no one knows gets you.
Couldn't they have done a new song at the end? Come on FFS, is this an entertainment show or what? Also I thought Coldplay was Bo's worst week. Lazy work by the producers, there. They should of got her to sing her own song Raising Arizona to prove she's not just a karaoke puppet like these others.
DO NOT let Leanne win. She's got a good voice but they've pigeon-holed her into a corner.
Ah, our last chance to look into Tyler's cold, dead eyes. Another horrid song from him.
William stop standing on his chair like an insolent toddler. Someone should press the revolving button and give him a shock. Now go sit on the naughty step until you've learnt how to behave like a big boy. Did Tyler really sing a Chris Brown song? Fucking disgusting. And on the BBC, too. I'm going to write to Jeremy Vine.
Ah, Adam Levine. I've not had a chance to laugh at him for a good fortnight. I do have a bit of a soft spot for him now, because he's such an unbridled douchebag you can't help admire him for it. Adam's gonna have beef with William for slagging off the winner of The Voice from last year. That was Adam's fucking act! Lols. Moves Like Jagger is always good for a laugh.
Look at that giant fucking Union Jack! Morrissey virtually got exiled for picking one up off a floor.
I'm trying to think of two people I'd rather see less on stage than Jessie J and Tom Jones. I can only think of Robbie Williams and Chris Brown.
This judges medley is bare jokes. William's trying to sing again, bless. P-p-p-p-p-p-price tag! This has literally been like a comedy tonight.
And the result is...
Leanne won! Are you fucking KIDDING me? WTF. That was the worst person possible; what's she going to release, a cover of Unchained Melody? Well at least it means Bo can do her own music with her own label. Danny should sort it out for her. This also means that TOM JONES won. Hang your heads in fucking shame, Britain.
Why, why, why, why, why? Could it have been because she went first? Or do I just live in a country full of deaf mainstream sheeple? I'm sure the lizards are involved, either way. Fuck this country and the Queen, and the Olympics too. Illuminati, the lot of them. Enjoy your jubilee and your flotilla and your cucumber sandwiches, you sods. THE END!
Saturday, 26 May 2012
The Voice: Dope on a rope
Evening all! I'm a bit under the cosh tonight as I'm writing this blog and then dashing off to a Eurovision party, which I'll be blogging as ever. Because what you want after three hours of Eurovision is to relive it all, right?
But anyway, on with The Voice. So tonight we decide who to evict (sorry, save). Holly's new catchphrase is clearly 'it's not easy'. Well, it can't be, having Cheryl coming up - singing live.
Ruth! I so don't care. Does anyone? I think we might find out tonight that they don't, despite all the praise heaped on her. Stop blowing smoke up her arse, Danny. Dead dad. Sob story vote! Boo. Underhand tactics.
LOL to Will.i.am having his Olympic torch with him. I bet Jessie J is seething, he's not even from the UK and he was asked. Why, I have no idea. But he was asked and she wasn't, that's the point. Actually, I saw Wills on Alan Carr last night and he was quite good. I am warming to old Will, yes I am.
Jessie saying Vince was cheesy last week. Funny, she didn't mention it in her comments after he sang. I wonder why? Oh and now she's lost her voice. What a SHAME. How will we cope without her words of wisdom?
Ooh, Vince is whipping it right from under Tyler's nose by singing Back to Black. This is the only Amy Winehouse song I like - but it's a bloody good one. That video is ace. He's not singing it very well, though.
Song choice is very important! Tell that to Gary 'it's not a song choosing competition' Barlow on ITV. The comments are so useless and unhelpful they might as well not bother. Not EVERYONE can make it to the final.
Will: dope. Check. Twitter. Check.
Jessie: 'I'm always honest.' No. Also, stop going on about 'artists', it makes me cringe. You have to prove yourself to be an artist; talent show contestants are not artists; well, except Bo Bruce *biased!*
Max is doing a mournful version of Every Breath You Take. Bye, Max. Max is so bland even his mother sometimes forgets what he looks like.
Will: 'I don't want to say anything that influences anything'. I think you're in the wrong job on here, then. At least he's saying something vaguely critical. LOL, you were flat. Bad luck, Max. That was un-dope. I just noticed Max's beard. Dear Lord.
Jessie J: 'Artists, artists, artists.' Fuck off.
Peter Andre (sorry, Danny) thought it was brill. I wonder if that's cos Max is his act? 'You're like a young Sting.' Gordon, then.
Jaz is doing Let it Be. I can play that on the keyboard. That and Oh When the Saints. That's the full extent of my repertoire. I think Jessie J is becoming more monotone than Jordan. She's so repetitive, too. 'Riffs and trills?' Oh, please stick it. Jaz bores be stiff. He should be on American Idol, doing songs from 40 years ago.
Will just said 'you can't climax at a climax' and no one even laughed.
Leanne is lovely, but like Jaz, she's on the wrong show. It's just too old fashioned for my taste. Her voice is good, though.
Becky is good, I hope she doesn't have a meltdown tonight. I don't like this song she's singing much, it's quite dreary and she sounds a bit off. Jessie J looked shocked when he said he didn't know the song; I don't either, plus it was shit.
Haha, I was going to write Jessie J just made it through a comment without using the word 'artist' but then she said it. She's more predictable than Louis Walsh, and that's saying something.
Danny: 'every time Bo opens her mouth angels fly out.' That must be quite inconvenient when you're trying to order a McDonalds.
Oh don't do a sob story for Bo, she doesn't need it. She doesn't need to beg for 'acceptance' from the masses. She's doing Charlie Brown by Coldplay. What the hell is that? She should have done The Hardest Part, that's the best Coldplay song ever. Did she miss her intro? Maybe she should have done a better known Coldplay song. She seems a bit lacklustre this week. Oh, no, I really don't want her to go. If she does, I'm resting the blame solely on Chris Martin. That song wasn't quite right for her voice. Eek.
Jessie doesn't want to heap too much praise on Bo, in case her obvious favourite Vince goes out. Danny is right: Bo is the most individual ARTIST in the show. I hope what Will says comes true and she does make it. She deserves to.
Tyler's doing Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, he's not dredging up poor Amy again is he? As if she doesn't have enough to deal with in that grave with Mitch constantly stoking at the soil.
Nice suit! Looks like the one Alan Carr was wearing last night. Oh God, this is going to be really bad. I hope he does the really fast bit. At least its BoRap in 30 seconds. The worst is when someone picks this shit on karaoke. Ha, he is doing this bit. This is camper than anything we'll see on Eurovision tonight. Never has 'spare me from this monstrosity' seemed more apt.
Oh, that's it. Just Cheryl to go.But I can't comment as I'm running out the door! I'll comment at the start of Eurovision. What a cliffhanger.
Please save Bo...
OK I haven't got time to read this through cos my cab is here, so if there are typos, please forgive me. I know not what I done. See you in a few hours after Eurovision. God knows what state I'll be in by then.
But anyway, on with The Voice. So tonight we decide who to evict (sorry, save). Holly's new catchphrase is clearly 'it's not easy'. Well, it can't be, having Cheryl coming up - singing live.
Ruth! I so don't care. Does anyone? I think we might find out tonight that they don't, despite all the praise heaped on her. Stop blowing smoke up her arse, Danny. Dead dad. Sob story vote! Boo. Underhand tactics.
LOL to Will.i.am having his Olympic torch with him. I bet Jessie J is seething, he's not even from the UK and he was asked. Why, I have no idea. But he was asked and she wasn't, that's the point. Actually, I saw Wills on Alan Carr last night and he was quite good. I am warming to old Will, yes I am.
Jessie saying Vince was cheesy last week. Funny, she didn't mention it in her comments after he sang. I wonder why? Oh and now she's lost her voice. What a SHAME. How will we cope without her words of wisdom?
Ooh, Vince is whipping it right from under Tyler's nose by singing Back to Black. This is the only Amy Winehouse song I like - but it's a bloody good one. That video is ace. He's not singing it very well, though.
Song choice is very important! Tell that to Gary 'it's not a song choosing competition' Barlow on ITV. The comments are so useless and unhelpful they might as well not bother. Not EVERYONE can make it to the final.
Will: dope. Check. Twitter. Check.
Jessie: 'I'm always honest.' No. Also, stop going on about 'artists', it makes me cringe. You have to prove yourself to be an artist; talent show contestants are not artists; well, except Bo Bruce *biased!*
Max is doing a mournful version of Every Breath You Take. Bye, Max. Max is so bland even his mother sometimes forgets what he looks like.
Will: 'I don't want to say anything that influences anything'. I think you're in the wrong job on here, then. At least he's saying something vaguely critical. LOL, you were flat. Bad luck, Max. That was un-dope. I just noticed Max's beard. Dear Lord.
Jessie J: 'Artists, artists, artists.' Fuck off.
Peter Andre (sorry, Danny) thought it was brill. I wonder if that's cos Max is his act? 'You're like a young Sting.' Gordon, then.
Jaz is doing Let it Be. I can play that on the keyboard. That and Oh When the Saints. That's the full extent of my repertoire. I think Jessie J is becoming more monotone than Jordan. She's so repetitive, too. 'Riffs and trills?' Oh, please stick it. Jaz bores be stiff. He should be on American Idol, doing songs from 40 years ago.
Will just said 'you can't climax at a climax' and no one even laughed.
Leanne is lovely, but like Jaz, she's on the wrong show. It's just too old fashioned for my taste. Her voice is good, though.
Becky is good, I hope she doesn't have a meltdown tonight. I don't like this song she's singing much, it's quite dreary and she sounds a bit off. Jessie J looked shocked when he said he didn't know the song; I don't either, plus it was shit.
Haha, I was going to write Jessie J just made it through a comment without using the word 'artist' but then she said it. She's more predictable than Louis Walsh, and that's saying something.
Danny: 'every time Bo opens her mouth angels fly out.' That must be quite inconvenient when you're trying to order a McDonalds.
Oh don't do a sob story for Bo, she doesn't need it. She doesn't need to beg for 'acceptance' from the masses. She's doing Charlie Brown by Coldplay. What the hell is that? She should have done The Hardest Part, that's the best Coldplay song ever. Did she miss her intro? Maybe she should have done a better known Coldplay song. She seems a bit lacklustre this week. Oh, no, I really don't want her to go. If she does, I'm resting the blame solely on Chris Martin. That song wasn't quite right for her voice. Eek.
Jessie doesn't want to heap too much praise on Bo, in case her obvious favourite Vince goes out. Danny is right: Bo is the most individual ARTIST in the show. I hope what Will says comes true and she does make it. She deserves to.
Tyler's doing Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, he's not dredging up poor Amy again is he? As if she doesn't have enough to deal with in that grave with Mitch constantly stoking at the soil.
Nice suit! Looks like the one Alan Carr was wearing last night. Oh God, this is going to be really bad. I hope he does the really fast bit. At least its BoRap in 30 seconds. The worst is when someone picks this shit on karaoke. Ha, he is doing this bit. This is camper than anything we'll see on Eurovision tonight. Never has 'spare me from this monstrosity' seemed more apt.
Oh, that's it. Just Cheryl to go.But I can't comment as I'm running out the door! I'll comment at the start of Eurovision. What a cliffhanger.
Please save Bo...
OK I haven't got time to read this through cos my cab is here, so if there are typos, please forgive me. I know not what I done. See you in a few hours after Eurovision. God knows what state I'll be in by then.
Sunday, 20 May 2012
The Voice: the sore loser edition
Oh so they've changed their clothes to give the illusion that it's a different night. That's nice of them to bother. Well, Holly's got half changed at least. Oh they're letting Reggie out of the backroom again. Apparently in an interview when he was trying to be a rapper he dismissed tv talents shows as a load of old horseshit. It's hard to pay those bills on the mean streets, though, isn't it? Dope!
Just a FYI Jessie: zig zag partings are not back in fashion. And never will be. What next, bringing back the bindi? Gwen Stefani has a lot to answer for.
Vince/ Brian Harvey is first through. God knows how, he's so unlikeable it feels like he should be hanging round with Peaches Geldof.
Why does Jessie always talk as if she's delivering some terminal cancer results? She's got that Cheryl Cole way of speaking, as if she's announcing the arrival of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
I barely know who Paloma Faith is, and only from the pages in Heat where they slag off what you're wearing. She's in it most weeks.This show has been all filler and no killer so far.
BO is through! Well, obviously. She has more star quality in her eyelashes than the entire judges' panel, let alone the contestants. She has a presence on the screen that none of the others have. If she doesn't win it, I'd be very, very surprised.
Deano/ Chris Fountain/ Moon brother isn't handling himself very well in the green room. Looks like he's about to do a little lip wobble if his doesn't get his own way. Should have had something more useful in those pockets; like some charisma.
I hope Becky gets through out of Jessie's team as she's the most interesting. Cassius: dull. Toni: not a chance. Yep, Jessie did the right thing, there.
A jazzy version of Roxanne: that's just the ticket. Fast forward. Both these two can fuck right off in my opinion. Overrated bullshit and over-indulgent twaddle.
Deano is doing some proper sad facing. I don't think it's going to get him through, though. Because he's not much cop. Acting like a spoilt brat on TV is never a good idea. Just ask Nikki Grahame. Is he going to start crying? It's quite unprofessional. Take it like a man, kiddywinks. This is hilarious. I wouldn't want to be the one offering emotional first aid to him tonight. Looks like he might go put his fist through a window. Or maybe chuck one of his teddybears on the floor and stamp on it. He's only 17! He's acting like he's fucking seven. Mind you, it's probably past his bedtime. Night!
Just a FYI Jessie: zig zag partings are not back in fashion. And never will be. What next, bringing back the bindi? Gwen Stefani has a lot to answer for.
Vince/ Brian Harvey is first through. God knows how, he's so unlikeable it feels like he should be hanging round with Peaches Geldof.
Why does Jessie always talk as if she's delivering some terminal cancer results? She's got that Cheryl Cole way of speaking, as if she's announcing the arrival of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
I barely know who Paloma Faith is, and only from the pages in Heat where they slag off what you're wearing. She's in it most weeks.This show has been all filler and no killer so far.
BO is through! Well, obviously. She has more star quality in her eyelashes than the entire judges' panel, let alone the contestants. She has a presence on the screen that none of the others have. If she doesn't win it, I'd be very, very surprised.
Deano/ Chris Fountain/ Moon brother isn't handling himself very well in the green room. Looks like he's about to do a little lip wobble if his doesn't get his own way. Should have had something more useful in those pockets; like some charisma.
I hope Becky gets through out of Jessie's team as she's the most interesting. Cassius: dull. Toni: not a chance. Yep, Jessie did the right thing, there.
A jazzy version of Roxanne: that's just the ticket. Fast forward. Both these two can fuck right off in my opinion. Overrated bullshit and over-indulgent twaddle.
Deano is doing some proper sad facing. I don't think it's going to get him through, though. Because he's not much cop. Acting like a spoilt brat on TV is never a good idea. Just ask Nikki Grahame. Is he going to start crying? It's quite unprofessional. Take it like a man, kiddywinks. This is hilarious. I wouldn't want to be the one offering emotional first aid to him tonight. Looks like he might go put his fist through a window. Or maybe chuck one of his teddybears on the floor and stamp on it. He's only 17! He's acting like he's fucking seven. Mind you, it's probably past his bedtime. Night!
Saturday, 19 May 2012
The Voice: Tonight every think counts
Bo Bruce tonight, thank God. I do think The Voice is getting a hard time in the press. It's good fun! Mind you, I loved Fame Academy. Who can forget the lovely Lemar and Ainslie? They were lush. Besides, Britain's Got Talent is TIRED. I pity anyone watching that old horseshit. Damn that dancing dog! Damn him to hell.
Let's get the outfits out of the way: Holly rocking a lovely curtain (bet that's not from Very). Jessie's come as a hateful Minnie Mouse. William's come as one of those square office toys with all the pins in that you used to put your palm into in the 80s.
Bowling is the Jessie J's 'secret little thing to do'. That and lesbianism. I notice they're in some private alley: why don't they go to the Trocadero like everyone else? UV times!
Jessie J knows nothing of professionalism. If your mic isn't working, just carry on singing like you normally do. God, she's so arrogant and annoying. I'm glad they've got the sound working now. Sounds much better. *panface*
It's a live show! Live show! Live show. Yeah, well done for not miming, give yourself a Werthers Original.
Max is up first. I don't remember him so that doesn't bode well. At least we don't have to look at Tyler's serial killer face this week. They're setting this Max up as the new Olly Murs, aren't they? Lol, he's doing doing a little rap and he seemed a bit out of breath. It was only about two sentences. I can rap the whole first verse of Without Me by Eminem without skipping a beat. I think his voice is OK but I don't like the direction they're pushing him in. I don't even know what this song is. He's a cute little thing but he's just boring.
I'm surprised Jessie J isn't saying 'on NATIONAL television'. She sounds like a Jeremy Kyle guest. I've seen less severe Croydon facelifts on that show. And more eloquent guests.
William: 'blinds or no blinds?' Is that a new TV programme? He talks complete hogwash, but at least it's fun. What is Tom Jones bringing to the party except endless anecdotes about dead people?
Cassius, it's over. Or is it? Who knows. Who's that on the piano? Is it Louis Theroux? Turning tables sounds like my friends' proposed invention of floating cocaine tables (not one I've seen in Dragon's Den, but maybe one day). This song should be called Turgid Turkeys instead. Make it stop. The best bit was when he went went 'woo' at the end, and that was only because it was stupid. Is Cassius a midget? Holly looks like Amazonian next to him. It looks like she's about to start breastfeeding him.
Tom Jones is being so insightful tonight. How much are they paying him for this blarney? Did Danny just ask Cassius if he was 'diddy'? I think that's apparent. Even Willy can't think of anything clever to say.
Bo! Select her. How can you sing 'Love the way you lie?' It's all a rap! I tried doing that on karaoke recently and it was hard, I was out of breath. I hope she's going to do the line about 'watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane'. That's the best line ever. What's this other bit she's doing? It's rather nice. But where's the volcano meeting the tornado, hey? Where's the Nintendo game line? She looks cool. Must be nice to be described as 'marketable'. Oh, and she's got a bad back, too. Has he been rubbing in some Deep Heat for her? Even she looked embarrassed. She doesn't need the bad back vote, Danny, she's better than that.
'A whole bunch of times more better than Rhianna' say Will. That's almost English. 'Bo, woah'. Oh no, now Jessie has nicked my Bo selecta joke. Motherfuck. Come on Bo, do those Princess Diana eyes to camera. You gotta win this. You've got proper talent compared to the others. There's no Tommy Reilly here now. And definitely no... whoever the other ones were.
I want to like this Vince guy. But he bugs me a little. Maybe it's the make up. Maybe it's the fact he looks a bit like Brian Harvey. And my friend Phoxx. Oh God, he's doing Olly Murs lite, too. WE'VE ALREADY GOT OLLY MURS. That's one Olly Murs too many already. Got it?
LOL, he just did a Jessie J style 'huh!' He's learning from the best. Look at his vest. He looks a prat. Jessie: 'Vince has worked so hard on his look.' Really? Looks like he had about 2.50 in his pocket and just spent 30 seconds browsing H&M's sale rail.
OH MY GOD DID DANNY JUST SAY 'YOU COULD SING THE PHONE BOOK AND BE AMAZING'? I thought I'd left this bullshit behind with Simon Cowell. This is unacceptable. I wonder what would happen if you sung the phone book? You'd have to start with AAAAAardvark taxis, wouldn't you? Someone should try this on YouTube.
Alex: the lost Moon brother. One extra Chris Fountain. We must stop him now. He's talking about his 'target audience'. What a tosser. He sounds like an Apprentice contestant.
If only we could bottle Danny's enthusiasm. Then we could all enjoy this rubbish, plodding non-starter of a song. The braces. The hands in the pockets. The star presence. Even I could sing this load of shit. Take his 'target audience' into a field and shoot them, starting with the youngest.
Danny 'he's only 17 years old.' Is this excuses week? Has he stubbed his toe and all? Jessie is right: it was safe. And not in a good Jason Statham way, with a gun. But then would a big band version of Jet been better? Would it? He's only 17. Isn't Justin Beiber 17? And just look at his amazing tal- oh.
Alex wanted to 'give us a break from strong powerful singers'. If I want a break I'll go watch ITV.
Danny O Sing the Phonebook does remind me of Peter Andre in that his positivity is so transparently fake. You know he's going to go home and cry into his cornflakes.
Oh God, Becky's doing Seven Nation Army. White Stripes or Marcus Collins? Crimped hair! How very 1996. I've got a photo of me with crimped hair and blue eye shadow wearing a nightie. I considered that suitable attire for nightclubbing at 16. I think she's got a decent voice she just needs some better direction. She did a bit of a Harry Hill style ending there. Oh, I miss you, Harry.
What rude thing did Becky say in the heat of the moment? I didn't hear it. Jessie J is issuing cockney counselling. Is Tom's hearing aid working? Oh dear, it's all going to pot, isn't it? Get Reggie out from the back to sort it out, Rastamouse must have a bifta on the go to short shit out. Becky's having a crack up. I blame Holly for giving her a tell off.
David's got a sob story instead of an ailment. He's my second favourite after Bo Bruce so I hope he doesn't fuck it up this week. Is he stalking someone via TV? That's a bit creepy. Fucking hell, it's another dreary song. He does have a good voice, though. She WILL be loved, whether she likes it or not. *Restraining order* He can't hit that 'will' note, and they've got backing vocals to cover it. That Temper Trap song was way better. Will is right to criticise that song choice.
Jessie J is giving it 'nononononononononono'. Are they having an artificial fight? I think Will won that round by just singing Vanilla Ice as a response to Danny's stream of BS. I think I actually LIKE Will.i.am now. Why is this happening?!!
Fuck off baldy and fuck off Elton John. Song choice! Holly calling her beautiful is patronising. It's not like she'd swap.
The lost moon brother is getting dug out by Rastamouse for having his hands in his pockets. He's got one hand in his pocket, and the other one is flicking the bomb vest switch ala Sgt. Brody in Homeland. He did a proper screwface after that.
Cant Bo Bruce do the go karting cos of her bad back? Try saying 'Bo Bruce bad back' when you've had a drink, it aint easy, kiddo. I just tried it and failed spectacularly.
Moon brother looks like he's come out in his pyjamas. Hold on, what's this sunflower bullshit? Van Gogh didn't sanction this. I'm laughing my arse off, is this the intention? I guessed Bo was going to be Mona Lisa. What is this fucking song? It's fucking rubbish. Bo is outsinging the lot of 'em. My boyfriend just said 'I can't hear a guitar so why can I see one?' Why indeed. Someone should have been drowned in formaldehyde during that.
Is that it? It didn't drag at all tonight, so I must have enjoyed it, despite my carping. Bo FTW! Come on, only you can ensure she gets enough Radian B to keep her upright into next week. I would vote but I watched it an hour late and I'm posting this late so this is all futile. FUTILE!
Let's get the outfits out of the way: Holly rocking a lovely curtain (bet that's not from Very). Jessie's come as a hateful Minnie Mouse. William's come as one of those square office toys with all the pins in that you used to put your palm into in the 80s.
Bowling is the Jessie J's 'secret little thing to do'. That and lesbianism. I notice they're in some private alley: why don't they go to the Trocadero like everyone else? UV times!
Jessie J knows nothing of professionalism. If your mic isn't working, just carry on singing like you normally do. God, she's so arrogant and annoying. I'm glad they've got the sound working now. Sounds much better. *panface*
It's a live show! Live show! Live show. Yeah, well done for not miming, give yourself a Werthers Original.
Max is up first. I don't remember him so that doesn't bode well. At least we don't have to look at Tyler's serial killer face this week. They're setting this Max up as the new Olly Murs, aren't they? Lol, he's doing doing a little rap and he seemed a bit out of breath. It was only about two sentences. I can rap the whole first verse of Without Me by Eminem without skipping a beat. I think his voice is OK but I don't like the direction they're pushing him in. I don't even know what this song is. He's a cute little thing but he's just boring.
I'm surprised Jessie J isn't saying 'on NATIONAL television'. She sounds like a Jeremy Kyle guest. I've seen less severe Croydon facelifts on that show. And more eloquent guests.
William: 'blinds or no blinds?' Is that a new TV programme? He talks complete hogwash, but at least it's fun. What is Tom Jones bringing to the party except endless anecdotes about dead people?
Cassius, it's over. Or is it? Who knows. Who's that on the piano? Is it Louis Theroux? Turning tables sounds like my friends' proposed invention of floating cocaine tables (not one I've seen in Dragon's Den, but maybe one day). This song should be called Turgid Turkeys instead. Make it stop. The best bit was when he went went 'woo' at the end, and that was only because it was stupid. Is Cassius a midget? Holly looks like Amazonian next to him. It looks like she's about to start breastfeeding him.
Tom Jones is being so insightful tonight. How much are they paying him for this blarney? Did Danny just ask Cassius if he was 'diddy'? I think that's apparent. Even Willy can't think of anything clever to say.
Bo! Select her. How can you sing 'Love the way you lie?' It's all a rap! I tried doing that on karaoke recently and it was hard, I was out of breath. I hope she's going to do the line about 'watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane'. That's the best line ever. What's this other bit she's doing? It's rather nice. But where's the volcano meeting the tornado, hey? Where's the Nintendo game line? She looks cool. Must be nice to be described as 'marketable'. Oh, and she's got a bad back, too. Has he been rubbing in some Deep Heat for her? Even she looked embarrassed. She doesn't need the bad back vote, Danny, she's better than that.
'A whole bunch of times more better than Rhianna' say Will. That's almost English. 'Bo, woah'. Oh no, now Jessie has nicked my Bo selecta joke. Motherfuck. Come on Bo, do those Princess Diana eyes to camera. You gotta win this. You've got proper talent compared to the others. There's no Tommy Reilly here now. And definitely no... whoever the other ones were.
I want to like this Vince guy. But he bugs me a little. Maybe it's the make up. Maybe it's the fact he looks a bit like Brian Harvey. And my friend Phoxx. Oh God, he's doing Olly Murs lite, too. WE'VE ALREADY GOT OLLY MURS. That's one Olly Murs too many already. Got it?
LOL, he just did a Jessie J style 'huh!' He's learning from the best. Look at his vest. He looks a prat. Jessie: 'Vince has worked so hard on his look.' Really? Looks like he had about 2.50 in his pocket and just spent 30 seconds browsing H&M's sale rail.
OH MY GOD DID DANNY JUST SAY 'YOU COULD SING THE PHONE BOOK AND BE AMAZING'? I thought I'd left this bullshit behind with Simon Cowell. This is unacceptable. I wonder what would happen if you sung the phone book? You'd have to start with AAAAAardvark taxis, wouldn't you? Someone should try this on YouTube.
Alex: the lost Moon brother. One extra Chris Fountain. We must stop him now. He's talking about his 'target audience'. What a tosser. He sounds like an Apprentice contestant.
If only we could bottle Danny's enthusiasm. Then we could all enjoy this rubbish, plodding non-starter of a song. The braces. The hands in the pockets. The star presence. Even I could sing this load of shit. Take his 'target audience' into a field and shoot them, starting with the youngest.
Danny 'he's only 17 years old.' Is this excuses week? Has he stubbed his toe and all? Jessie is right: it was safe. And not in a good Jason Statham way, with a gun. But then would a big band version of Jet been better? Would it? He's only 17. Isn't Justin Beiber 17? And just look at his amazing tal- oh.
Alex wanted to 'give us a break from strong powerful singers'. If I want a break I'll go watch ITV.
Danny O Sing the Phonebook does remind me of Peter Andre in that his positivity is so transparently fake. You know he's going to go home and cry into his cornflakes.
Oh God, Becky's doing Seven Nation Army. White Stripes or Marcus Collins? Crimped hair! How very 1996. I've got a photo of me with crimped hair and blue eye shadow wearing a nightie. I considered that suitable attire for nightclubbing at 16. I think she's got a decent voice she just needs some better direction. She did a bit of a Harry Hill style ending there. Oh, I miss you, Harry.
What rude thing did Becky say in the heat of the moment? I didn't hear it. Jessie J is issuing cockney counselling. Is Tom's hearing aid working? Oh dear, it's all going to pot, isn't it? Get Reggie out from the back to sort it out, Rastamouse must have a bifta on the go to short shit out. Becky's having a crack up. I blame Holly for giving her a tell off.
David's got a sob story instead of an ailment. He's my second favourite after Bo Bruce so I hope he doesn't fuck it up this week. Is he stalking someone via TV? That's a bit creepy. Fucking hell, it's another dreary song. He does have a good voice, though. She WILL be loved, whether she likes it or not. *Restraining order* He can't hit that 'will' note, and they've got backing vocals to cover it. That Temper Trap song was way better. Will is right to criticise that song choice.
Jessie J is giving it 'nononononononononono'. Are they having an artificial fight? I think Will won that round by just singing Vanilla Ice as a response to Danny's stream of BS. I think I actually LIKE Will.i.am now. Why is this happening?!!
Fuck off baldy and fuck off Elton John. Song choice! Holly calling her beautiful is patronising. It's not like she'd swap.
The lost moon brother is getting dug out by Rastamouse for having his hands in his pockets. He's got one hand in his pocket, and the other one is flicking the bomb vest switch ala Sgt. Brody in Homeland. He did a proper screwface after that.
Cant Bo Bruce do the go karting cos of her bad back? Try saying 'Bo Bruce bad back' when you've had a drink, it aint easy, kiddo. I just tried it and failed spectacularly.
Moon brother looks like he's come out in his pyjamas. Hold on, what's this sunflower bullshit? Van Gogh didn't sanction this. I'm laughing my arse off, is this the intention? I guessed Bo was going to be Mona Lisa. What is this fucking song? It's fucking rubbish. Bo is outsinging the lot of 'em. My boyfriend just said 'I can't hear a guitar so why can I see one?' Why indeed. Someone should have been drowned in formaldehyde during that.
Is that it? It didn't drag at all tonight, so I must have enjoyed it, despite my carping. Bo FTW! Come on, only you can ensure she gets enough Radian B to keep her upright into next week. I would vote but I watched it an hour late and I'm posting this late so this is all futile. FUTILE!
Sunday, 13 May 2012
The Voice: the Olympics of singing
Greetings boyos! Yes, The Voice is like the Olympics of singing, in that it comes into your life, shrieking about how wonderful it is, and leaves you feeling empty. I exaggerate. The Olympics is much shitter. And much harder to avoid.
Why does Tom Jones look so sallow? He looks like he's just been for a course of chemo.
William seems to be in fancy dress tonight. It looks like he just discovered Cyberdog for the first time and did a Jedward-style trolley dash. I do like his glasses though. It pisses me off when they cut to William and Tom Jones texting/Twittering. I presume Tom Jones has one of those big button phones for old people out of the Innovations catalogue. I heard he picked up a lovely plastic owl for his garden too, it glows and everything.
I put a spell on you. Really? That saxophone can fuck off, too.
I can't take this girl doing 'show me love' seriously. She looks like a little girl playing dress up. I thought she was a bit flat in parts, too.
Jessie J! Where's your fringe? I can't cope with the change! You're so wacky. What will she think of next? Leaving the country, I hope.
I suspect all the acts are going to be duff tonight. Which is good as Bo Bruce needs to win this motherfucker.
Fucking hell, have the Glastonbury world stage couple not been evicted yet? They're doing Everything but The Girl. I watched a good clip yesterday of Morrissey and George Michael revewing an Everything but the Girl album with Tony Blackburn. Now that was entertaining. This; not so much.
I think Joelle is alright. She looks like she's enjoying herself. I think she might be a bit off key but that's alright. She seems nice.
I think Will might have had a few too many Red Bulls before the show, either that or too many Smarties, he's getting a little over-excited. I can imagine he was quite badly bullied at school, bless him.
William to Danny: 'he's on crack.' If he is, we know where he got it from: Fergie.
Why have they done Ruth up so she looks about 40? She looks like she's wearing a floral tracksuit. You can always tell when it's a Tom Jones contestant because the songs are so fucking turgid. Fuck me, did she just get possessed halfway through? She's useless.
I enjoyed that bit where Jessie J threw a strop because Will is funnier and more entertaining than her. She seems in a right mood tonight. I think she's missing her fringe. Get someone to clip it back on, quick. Or just sack her, one or the other. Those chairs should double up as ejector seats.
Tyler just said that 'Sign your name across my heart' by Terence Trent D'arby was 'one of his favourite songs ever.' Idiot.
He's got a real thousand yard stare. He looks like a cross between Derren Brown and Christopher Walken. I can't see the appeal in him at all.
Foo Fighters cunt! Remember that 'controversial' song he did last week by fluky multi-millionaire Dave Grohl? That was real punk rock, right there on the BBC, on a talent show. Tonight he's going to be taking on more cutting edge material by middle-class multi-millionaires Radiohead. Should have done Paranoid Android or Fitter Happier. William could do the fitter happier bit in the background on a vocoder. I'd name an even more unsuitable Radiohead song than that but I stopped listening after they disappeared up their own arses.
He's not singing it high enough, ironically. Adam: 'Last week's song was 'so weird''. Yeah, who are these crazy Foo Fighters kids? They're fucking NUTS, man. What a prick.
Danny is being quite honest tonight. Which is good.
This Jaz guy bores the hell out of me. He must be sweating his nuts off in that coat.
I just skip past the parts where the personality-void Reggie Yates chats to idiots backstage.
Dinosaur mini golf. Fucking spare me. Hit the road Jack! Who is letting him get away with this bullshit?
I guess Will taking them to his studio makes more sense than Dinosaur Golf. Mind you, they had to suffer Jamie Oliver bringing the food. Got any turkey twizzlers? Pukka.
WTF was that song William's team was singing? Will can't sing a fucking note. It really is the Emperor's New Clothes (from Cyberdog).
I hope Jessie J can be a bit more professional tomorrow. Take a leaf out of Will's book. He knows gravitas when he sees it. DOPE!
Why does Tom Jones look so sallow? He looks like he's just been for a course of chemo.
William seems to be in fancy dress tonight. It looks like he just discovered Cyberdog for the first time and did a Jedward-style trolley dash. I do like his glasses though. It pisses me off when they cut to William and Tom Jones texting/Twittering. I presume Tom Jones has one of those big button phones for old people out of the Innovations catalogue. I heard he picked up a lovely plastic owl for his garden too, it glows and everything.
I put a spell on you. Really? That saxophone can fuck off, too.
I can't take this girl doing 'show me love' seriously. She looks like a little girl playing dress up. I thought she was a bit flat in parts, too.
Jessie J! Where's your fringe? I can't cope with the change! You're so wacky. What will she think of next? Leaving the country, I hope.
I suspect all the acts are going to be duff tonight. Which is good as Bo Bruce needs to win this motherfucker.
Fucking hell, have the Glastonbury world stage couple not been evicted yet? They're doing Everything but The Girl. I watched a good clip yesterday of Morrissey and George Michael revewing an Everything but the Girl album with Tony Blackburn. Now that was entertaining. This; not so much.
I think Joelle is alright. She looks like she's enjoying herself. I think she might be a bit off key but that's alright. She seems nice.
I think Will might have had a few too many Red Bulls before the show, either that or too many Smarties, he's getting a little over-excited. I can imagine he was quite badly bullied at school, bless him.
William to Danny: 'he's on crack.' If he is, we know where he got it from: Fergie.
Why have they done Ruth up so she looks about 40? She looks like she's wearing a floral tracksuit. You can always tell when it's a Tom Jones contestant because the songs are so fucking turgid. Fuck me, did she just get possessed halfway through? She's useless.
I enjoyed that bit where Jessie J threw a strop because Will is funnier and more entertaining than her. She seems in a right mood tonight. I think she's missing her fringe. Get someone to clip it back on, quick. Or just sack her, one or the other. Those chairs should double up as ejector seats.
Tyler just said that 'Sign your name across my heart' by Terence Trent D'arby was 'one of his favourite songs ever.' Idiot.
He's got a real thousand yard stare. He looks like a cross between Derren Brown and Christopher Walken. I can't see the appeal in him at all.
Foo Fighters cunt! Remember that 'controversial' song he did last week by fluky multi-millionaire Dave Grohl? That was real punk rock, right there on the BBC, on a talent show. Tonight he's going to be taking on more cutting edge material by middle-class multi-millionaires Radiohead. Should have done Paranoid Android or Fitter Happier. William could do the fitter happier bit in the background on a vocoder. I'd name an even more unsuitable Radiohead song than that but I stopped listening after they disappeared up their own arses.
He's not singing it high enough, ironically. Adam: 'Last week's song was 'so weird''. Yeah, who are these crazy Foo Fighters kids? They're fucking NUTS, man. What a prick.
Danny is being quite honest tonight. Which is good.
This Jaz guy bores the hell out of me. He must be sweating his nuts off in that coat.
I just skip past the parts where the personality-void Reggie Yates chats to idiots backstage.
Dinosaur mini golf. Fucking spare me. Hit the road Jack! Who is letting him get away with this bullshit?
I guess Will taking them to his studio makes more sense than Dinosaur Golf. Mind you, they had to suffer Jamie Oliver bringing the food. Got any turkey twizzlers? Pukka.
WTF was that song William's team was singing? Will can't sing a fucking note. It really is the Emperor's New Clothes (from Cyberdog).
I hope Jessie J can be a bit more professional tomorrow. Take a leaf out of Will's book. He knows gravitas when he sees it. DOPE!
Sunday, 6 May 2012
The Voice: Sonic thumbprint
On the US voice, all the women get kicked out every week, so I hope that's not going to be the same tonight.
Not sure about Jessi (huh) J's geisha look/ Croydon facelift. Oh her fringe, will she, won't she? The nation is on tenterhooks every week. The 'integrity' of Tom Jones? Think someone's got their scripts mixed up. Perhaps they meant 'interminableness'
Toni, the baldy, is up first. She's doing Tina Turner. Brilliant. Very modern. God, this is horrific. Her voice is horrible. It sounds like a chipmunk's been caught in the spin cycle.
I'm not interested in Max. He's one of those with a hat instead of a personality. Fuck this Freefalling song, too. That was deathly dull.
Jessie J is being particularly pathetic tonight. How is all this rubbish English pop music getting big in America? Must be illuminati-related. Why else would a nation embrace Olly Murs and his cod reggae? Something's afoot.
Ruth-Ann, congratulations, it's hard to make a Cheryl Cole song sound even worse but you managed it. Drab, drab, drab. Should have done Parachutes. I've got high hopes for Bo Bruce tonight.
None of these others are striking me as real stars tonight. Cry me a river?
Vince seems to be doing a reggae version of You were always on my mind. Uh huh.Yeah. You can tell he's been to Jessie J's masterclass of dragging every note out to be about 50 syllables. I just find it irritating and showoffy. I do like him, though.
Tom Jones wittering on about Elvis. Check.
Oh fucking hell, the next one up, Alex is doing 'dream a little dream'. What is this? Did I just hear the word 'swing'? Fuck dat. I had to fast forward before I smashed up the TV like Eileen's boyfriend's wife with dementia in Corrie. The good thing is, this dude is on Bo's team so hopefully he'll be leaving before her.
Danny just said the word 'cool' in the same sentence as Jamie Cullum. I think he said cool, maybe he said cunt.
Will.i.am's Michael Buble joke went down a treat, didn't it? It's the way you tell 'em. I think you should leave the humour to... er... oh, there's no one funny on this show. Holly? Don't diss Michael Buble. I like Michael Buble, not his music, obviously, but his cheeky little face.
Cassius. I think he's probably the best yet but that's not saying much. Song choices have been quite duff tonight. It feels like all the songs have been a bit plodding. I wonder what Bo will sing?
All this 'artist' bullshit pisses me off, too. They're not 'artists' - they're contestants on a talent show. I would dispute that Jessie J is even an 'artist'; she's just a manufactured android, just cheeky enough to be considered 'controversial' (although still hiding in that closet, hey?) and just thick enough that you can be guarantee that everything that comes out of her mouth is tripe.
Temper Trap? Beats Tina fucking Turner. Ooh, its raining on him. I think he's quite good and I like this song but something about him reminds me of Matt Cardle. I do like his voice, though. He was the best so far.
William is being a bit weird tonight. He's definitely on something but whether it's space dust or his own ego, who knows? He talks utter shit, but at least he's entertaining with it.
Ha, someone's doing Good luck by Bassment Jaxx. I used to love that song. Ah, memories. This could be good. I quite like her but this song sounds really dated now! LOL that means I'm going out of date. Plus they're doing a slightly jazzy version of it. I thought she was going to get tangled in in that mic wire. Something about her felt like she was play-acting. Tom Jones told her she was like a modern Janis Joplin. Blank look.
Ooh, Bo's on last. That's good. She's doing Running up that Hill by Placebo (oh, I mean Kate Bush). But Kate bush doesn't say 'If I only could make a deal with GAWD' in the great way Brian does in that song. Therefore, he wins.
Bo and Danny are shedding a few years. That's always good for a vote or two.
I find her quite mesmerising to watch. She looks like a little elf in the woods. I like her outfit, too, she looks really cool. I just like everything about her, even the way she always looks awkward with the other contestants backstage. She just looks like a star already, she doesn't have to try. She was better than anyone else on that stage. And that's why they put her on last.
Not sure about Jessi (huh) J's geisha look/ Croydon facelift. Oh her fringe, will she, won't she? The nation is on tenterhooks every week. The 'integrity' of Tom Jones? Think someone's got their scripts mixed up. Perhaps they meant 'interminableness'
Toni, the baldy, is up first. She's doing Tina Turner. Brilliant. Very modern. God, this is horrific. Her voice is horrible. It sounds like a chipmunk's been caught in the spin cycle.
I'm not interested in Max. He's one of those with a hat instead of a personality. Fuck this Freefalling song, too. That was deathly dull.
Jessie J is being particularly pathetic tonight. How is all this rubbish English pop music getting big in America? Must be illuminati-related. Why else would a nation embrace Olly Murs and his cod reggae? Something's afoot.
Ruth-Ann, congratulations, it's hard to make a Cheryl Cole song sound even worse but you managed it. Drab, drab, drab. Should have done Parachutes. I've got high hopes for Bo Bruce tonight.
None of these others are striking me as real stars tonight. Cry me a river?
Vince seems to be doing a reggae version of You were always on my mind. Uh huh.Yeah. You can tell he's been to Jessie J's masterclass of dragging every note out to be about 50 syllables. I just find it irritating and showoffy. I do like him, though.
Tom Jones wittering on about Elvis. Check.
Oh fucking hell, the next one up, Alex is doing 'dream a little dream'. What is this? Did I just hear the word 'swing'? Fuck dat. I had to fast forward before I smashed up the TV like Eileen's boyfriend's wife with dementia in Corrie. The good thing is, this dude is on Bo's team so hopefully he'll be leaving before her.
Danny just said the word 'cool' in the same sentence as Jamie Cullum. I think he said cool, maybe he said cunt.
Will.i.am's Michael Buble joke went down a treat, didn't it? It's the way you tell 'em. I think you should leave the humour to... er... oh, there's no one funny on this show. Holly? Don't diss Michael Buble. I like Michael Buble, not his music, obviously, but his cheeky little face.
Cassius. I think he's probably the best yet but that's not saying much. Song choices have been quite duff tonight. It feels like all the songs have been a bit plodding. I wonder what Bo will sing?
All this 'artist' bullshit pisses me off, too. They're not 'artists' - they're contestants on a talent show. I would dispute that Jessie J is even an 'artist'; she's just a manufactured android, just cheeky enough to be considered 'controversial' (although still hiding in that closet, hey?) and just thick enough that you can be guarantee that everything that comes out of her mouth is tripe.
Temper Trap? Beats Tina fucking Turner. Ooh, its raining on him. I think he's quite good and I like this song but something about him reminds me of Matt Cardle. I do like his voice, though. He was the best so far.
William is being a bit weird tonight. He's definitely on something but whether it's space dust or his own ego, who knows? He talks utter shit, but at least he's entertaining with it.
Ha, someone's doing Good luck by Bassment Jaxx. I used to love that song. Ah, memories. This could be good. I quite like her but this song sounds really dated now! LOL that means I'm going out of date. Plus they're doing a slightly jazzy version of it. I thought she was going to get tangled in in that mic wire. Something about her felt like she was play-acting. Tom Jones told her she was like a modern Janis Joplin. Blank look.
Ooh, Bo's on last. That's good. She's doing Running up that Hill by Placebo (oh, I mean Kate Bush). But Kate bush doesn't say 'If I only could make a deal with GAWD' in the great way Brian does in that song. Therefore, he wins.
Bo and Danny are shedding a few years. That's always good for a vote or two.
I find her quite mesmerising to watch. She looks like a little elf in the woods. I like her outfit, too, she looks really cool. I just like everything about her, even the way she always looks awkward with the other contestants backstage. She just looks like a star already, she doesn't have to try. She was better than anyone else on that stage. And that's why they put her on last.
Sunday, 29 April 2012
The Voice: results: Every night, we smash a Mercedes Benz
LOL to making them sing 'You've got the music in you' at the start. Are they advertising a car like on American Idol? Bo looked befuddled, I can only presume she was appalled at being made to sing the most embarrassing song of all time. Sadly they never got to the 'Courtney Love and Marylin Manson, they're all fakes run to your mansions' line. Bet the guy who sung that doesn't have a mansion right now. He's probably sleeping on a friend's sofa whilst Courtney takes a bath in liquid gold. Ooh, medley. Music! Please do stop this music. It's an earsore.
Tom Jones saying 'stepped up to the plate' is all kinds of wrong. Who decided he'd be a good judge for this show? Really? Even Louis Walsh is preferable.
Why are Holly and Reggie wearing the same clothes as they did last night? Did they film this last night? Wouldn't that dress be a bit stinky by now? Holly doesn't really look her usual beautiful self today. I'm not liking that pink dress too much and her hair doesn't look nice either. She looked hot on the front of Cosmo recently (which I only bought cos it had a free Soap and Glory mazzy).
Why did people start clapping before Holly said 'Ruth Brown'? Is she reading it off an autocue?
OMG are you serious they put that Foo Fighter's dude through? Dave Grohl must be turning in his grave.
There's not one cool person on this panel. It's like the bullied kids at school who are trying so hard to please with their zany haircuts and head bobbing. The coolest person on that panel probably IS Tom Jones. Oh my God.
The wait is over. Not such a good line, is it? I guess Big Brother stole all the good ones. I'm surprised Frances got through. She was a bit rub.
Will is doing a p-p-p-p-p-poker face. Either that or his Imodium just kicked in. He's looked a bit crab eyed™.
Reggie Yates, do you know my name, oh don't say you don't, please say you do, woah, woah. Isn't Reggie the voice of Rastamouse? He gets all the good gigs, doesn't he? He should dress as Rastamouse backstage. It would give him a sense of gravitas.
My boyfriend just said 'Fana Del Ray' when Lana Del Ray can on cos he thought it was just a lookalike. I think she's just died her hair. I do like three songs off her album and she's cute. Not this one, though.
All the contestants are wearing the same clothes as yesterday, too. This is a swizz. What's going on? I'm not surprised Sam went, he was pretty rubbish. 'I feel like my heart's been ripped out' - that's a bit too much honesty for BBC1 on a Sunday night. Gutterly butterly.
The ghost of Tom Jones looks beleaguered at Sam home. I don't think he's as sad as Sam, though. He has got all those rubbish hits and the knickers and the gold discs and the duet with with Cerys and his own 'Booby' at home. What's Sam got? A rubbish shirt?
I'm not surprised Will sent whatsherface home. She had zip-all star quality. Holly: 'Will needs a hug.' No, Will needs to start dressing his age, whatever that might be. Answers on a postcard.
By the way, Chronicle was fuckin' ace! Recommend!
Tom Jones saying 'stepped up to the plate' is all kinds of wrong. Who decided he'd be a good judge for this show? Really? Even Louis Walsh is preferable.
Why are Holly and Reggie wearing the same clothes as they did last night? Did they film this last night? Wouldn't that dress be a bit stinky by now? Holly doesn't really look her usual beautiful self today. I'm not liking that pink dress too much and her hair doesn't look nice either. She looked hot on the front of Cosmo recently (which I only bought cos it had a free Soap and Glory mazzy).
Why did people start clapping before Holly said 'Ruth Brown'? Is she reading it off an autocue?
OMG are you serious they put that Foo Fighter's dude through? Dave Grohl must be turning in his grave.
There's not one cool person on this panel. It's like the bullied kids at school who are trying so hard to please with their zany haircuts and head bobbing. The coolest person on that panel probably IS Tom Jones. Oh my God.
The wait is over. Not such a good line, is it? I guess Big Brother stole all the good ones. I'm surprised Frances got through. She was a bit rub.
Will is doing a p-p-p-p-p-poker face. Either that or his Imodium just kicked in. He's looked a bit crab eyed™.
Reggie Yates, do you know my name, oh don't say you don't, please say you do, woah, woah. Isn't Reggie the voice of Rastamouse? He gets all the good gigs, doesn't he? He should dress as Rastamouse backstage. It would give him a sense of gravitas.
My boyfriend just said 'Fana Del Ray' when Lana Del Ray can on cos he thought it was just a lookalike. I think she's just died her hair. I do like three songs off her album and she's cute. Not this one, though.
All the contestants are wearing the same clothes as yesterday, too. This is a swizz. What's going on? I'm not surprised Sam went, he was pretty rubbish. 'I feel like my heart's been ripped out' - that's a bit too much honesty for BBC1 on a Sunday night. Gutterly butterly.
The ghost of Tom Jones looks beleaguered at Sam home. I don't think he's as sad as Sam, though. He has got all those rubbish hits and the knickers and the gold discs and the duet with with Cerys and his own 'Booby' at home. What's Sam got? A rubbish shirt?
I'm not surprised Will sent whatsherface home. She had zip-all star quality. Holly: 'Will needs a hug.' No, Will needs to start dressing his age, whatever that might be. Answers on a postcard.
By the way, Chronicle was fuckin' ace! Recommend!
Saturday, 28 April 2012
The Voice UK (huh!) - Live shows
I've been enjoying The Voice US so much that I just don't think our version can live up to it now. I've seen singers with a million times more talent than that Scotty McCreepy, who won last year's dead duck American Idol, sent home with a flea in their ear. The standard of talent and the song choices have been great, so I really hope our series takes a lead from that. Added love was provided last week in the extra form of of a radioactive Christina Aguilera giving Justin Bieber a screwface. Although they did chuck out all of my favourite people last week, but that's to be expected. And Jessie J appeared going 'huh'! Do we really have to inflict her on the US? I say only if they get to keep her.
Oh OK, it's live shows now. I'm trying to think of something more horrible that the judges tunelessly belting out 'It's a Beautiful Day' by U2. Shoulda done 'Lemon'. Does Willy even sing? I just thought he wore neon and jumped about spouting nonsense. Like me at a rave, in my younger days.
Wot, no Bo Bruce this week. Booo. Oh God, they've got this annoying bit backstage where they try and force you to tweet. I wondered what Reggie Yates was for. Window dressing, apparently. Back room boy.
Looks like they get more song choice than they do on X Factor, or that's what they're trying to convince us. I take that back - this first choice is pure American Idol. ZZZZ. Not interested in Joelle, I'm afraid. Too dated. The fact Jessie J looked so elated when Joelle did that stupid high bit at the end says it all. She really does have a bucket of bullshit instead of a brain.
OOh, someone's doing Erasure. Love this song. Not sure if he's got the hang of the low OR high notes. He sounds out of breath, bless him. Even insincerity android Jessie J looks grim-faced. Sam Buttery coming to a pier near you in 2013.
William has got his next stooge singing 'aint nobody'. What decade was that released in? Are we really that hard up for tunes? All this posturing with the male dancers is stupid and looks completely dated. I don't even think her voice sounds good any more. She's got no chance. LOL to Frances going 'Will.i.am can even sing' as if that's about the 46734 thing on words to describe 'things Will does', probably just below 'Fergie'.
Uh oh, Foo Fighters karaoke coming up. Doesn't really require much singing. Mark Owen pretending to be Dave Grohl. This is a new low. Is he playing that guitar or is it just a massive necklace? That was truly head-in-hands horrendous. Then he goes 'it's great to come on Saturday night TV and play a rock song' like he's just discovered America. It's the fucking Foo Fighters, dickhead, not Anal Cunt.
Looked like Will.I.am was texting on his phone there when Holly cut to him.
Jaz Ellington is on the wrong show. He should be on American Idol, where they'll approximately catch up with the UK music scene in about 20 years time.
Leanne has got a really strong voice, but Pink didn't suit her, I'm afraid. Song choice fail.
This plain girl singing a song I don't know about metal sounds a bit shaky. She doesn't sound gutsy enough, it's like she's just come in from school and is dancing round her living room.
Jessie J: 'range, technicality, falsetto'. You boring fucking stage school brat. Do you know about music that comes out and grabs you from the guts? Do you know anything?
The girl out of this couple has been given rather a severe fringe. I like a severe fringe. My fringe has lost it's way at the moment and is waiting to regenerate. This band is gash. They would be irrelevant even on the hippy-dippy-dipshit stage at Glastonbury.
Did Tyler mention he was Amy Winehouse's best friend? Did he? I thought I might have heard him mention it once or twice. I don't like his voice, or his face, or anything about him. I'd rather have a go on Blake.
Is Tom Jones choosing all these duff 80s songs? Seriously, the US Voice had me genuinely excited last week. This is turdid. And she's flat. God, I was really flagging towards the end of that, apologies.
Ooh, they let Reggie out of the dungeon for 3 seconds. I couldn't give a fig who goes home out of that lot. But hopefully next week will be better. Huh! Now I'm gonna watch Pointless Celebrities and Chronicle. Then I'm gonna pass out.
Oh OK, it's live shows now. I'm trying to think of something more horrible that the judges tunelessly belting out 'It's a Beautiful Day' by U2. Shoulda done 'Lemon'. Does Willy even sing? I just thought he wore neon and jumped about spouting nonsense. Like me at a rave, in my younger days.
Wot, no Bo Bruce this week. Booo. Oh God, they've got this annoying bit backstage where they try and force you to tweet. I wondered what Reggie Yates was for. Window dressing, apparently. Back room boy.
Looks like they get more song choice than they do on X Factor, or that's what they're trying to convince us. I take that back - this first choice is pure American Idol. ZZZZ. Not interested in Joelle, I'm afraid. Too dated. The fact Jessie J looked so elated when Joelle did that stupid high bit at the end says it all. She really does have a bucket of bullshit instead of a brain.
OOh, someone's doing Erasure. Love this song. Not sure if he's got the hang of the low OR high notes. He sounds out of breath, bless him. Even insincerity android Jessie J looks grim-faced. Sam Buttery coming to a pier near you in 2013.
William has got his next stooge singing 'aint nobody'. What decade was that released in? Are we really that hard up for tunes? All this posturing with the male dancers is stupid and looks completely dated. I don't even think her voice sounds good any more. She's got no chance. LOL to Frances going 'Will.i.am can even sing' as if that's about the 46734 thing on words to describe 'things Will does', probably just below 'Fergie'.
Uh oh, Foo Fighters karaoke coming up. Doesn't really require much singing. Mark Owen pretending to be Dave Grohl. This is a new low. Is he playing that guitar or is it just a massive necklace? That was truly head-in-hands horrendous. Then he goes 'it's great to come on Saturday night TV and play a rock song' like he's just discovered America. It's the fucking Foo Fighters, dickhead, not Anal Cunt.
Looked like Will.I.am was texting on his phone there when Holly cut to him.
Jaz Ellington is on the wrong show. He should be on American Idol, where they'll approximately catch up with the UK music scene in about 20 years time.
Leanne has got a really strong voice, but Pink didn't suit her, I'm afraid. Song choice fail.
This plain girl singing a song I don't know about metal sounds a bit shaky. She doesn't sound gutsy enough, it's like she's just come in from school and is dancing round her living room.
Jessie J: 'range, technicality, falsetto'. You boring fucking stage school brat. Do you know about music that comes out and grabs you from the guts? Do you know anything?
The girl out of this couple has been given rather a severe fringe. I like a severe fringe. My fringe has lost it's way at the moment and is waiting to regenerate. This band is gash. They would be irrelevant even on the hippy-dippy-dipshit stage at Glastonbury.
Did Tyler mention he was Amy Winehouse's best friend? Did he? I thought I might have heard him mention it once or twice. I don't like his voice, or his face, or anything about him. I'd rather have a go on Blake.
Is Tom Jones choosing all these duff 80s songs? Seriously, the US Voice had me genuinely excited last week. This is turdid. And she's flat. God, I was really flagging towards the end of that, apologies.
Ooh, they let Reggie out of the dungeon for 3 seconds. I couldn't give a fig who goes home out of that lot. But hopefully next week will be better. Huh! Now I'm gonna watch Pointless Celebrities and Chronicle. Then I'm gonna pass out.
Sunday, 22 April 2012
The Voice: Giving it both battles
Was out last night so missed the battle rounds- catching up on it now though. Ah they've let Holly and Reggie out of the dungeon. That must be nice for them. I don't mind Reggie that much now, I think Fearne Cotton was dragging him down previously.
Don't get me wrong, he's still dull as dishwater.
Just when you thought things couldn't get anymore Welsh, Tom Jones has drafted in Cerys Matthews to help him. What's she going to advise, go on a rubbish reality show and get off with a dead-in-the-water soap star? Road raaaaaaaaaaage!
I'm every woman - spare us, Wills. Even Whitney's had enough of this one. I think the black girl is better by an inch but they were both good. Will someone tell Jessie to stop bobbing her head and singing along. It's like when the guitarist sings when he's not supposed to. Cringeworthy. These two second boys sound really similar. I think the one without the hat who looks like dannii minogue's ex has the edge but they're both pretty good. They're putting on a good performance, too. oh they sent my one home. Boo.
I'm finding it hard to judge who's better in this Tom Jones/Elvis shout off because I don't like Tom Jones, Elvis or shouting. Same goes for the next song that the bald girl sang. It just sounds like a fucking racket. Uh oh they've pitched Bo against Morgan Spurlock. She's gotta win!!! He's so overdone. She's beautiful. Do the right thing, Danny. Bo is something special. I'm actually nervous! Yes! He chose Bo. I'm so happy. She has real talent - I just love her.
So we're giving Chris Brown the BBC seal of approval by forcing the acts (against their will) to sing one of his blood-spattered dance numbers. I'm guessing the guy who threw his toys out of the pram will be going home. I see Jessie J is singing along her support of domestic violence. I better not ever see that bitch calling herself a feminist. Fucking thicko.
I though the two who did Rhianna would be better than they were. I think it's a bit style over substance there.
Sorry I got some dinner at that point so lost it a bit but heard 'soul on a pole'. I don't get the fuss about those two but it could be because I cant stand Heard it through the Grapevine. I'd rather listen to the sound of my own throat being cut and listening to the blood dribble out and my last raspy choking breaths.
OK, onto tonight's show. This turgid version of Beat It has got Jessie J's tasteless fingers all over it. Couldn't care less who won that one. This Lady Gaga song is too shrill.
Oh fucking hell, it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. This one with the glasses is singing with a faux American accent. I'm surprised Jessie J isn't the mentor. My boyfriend just walked in and said, 'What's this, a noteless off?' It does sound flat, but I can't work out which one is flat. Oh, the other one has a much nicer voice. She deserved to go through.
This Emmy girl is being a bit cocky... she'll probably go home. Stop intimidating Chris Fountain/Deano from Eastenders. Boyfriend: 'what is this, Cunt Academy?' I think he's been working on that one in the kitchen.
Chris Fountain looks like a rabbit in the headlights. It looks like someone's just dragged him in off the street. He's giving up on notes halfway through, not 'giving each note it's due respect' as some idiot said earlier. Bo Bruce is going to eat everyone in this category alive. That girl pulled a screwface when Jessie J said about the kiss and looked smug when Danny said she was further down the line. She looked proper sour when she got sent home. Serves her right. Having said that I can't believe they did put Alex through, he was fucking useless.
Peewee Herman is now doing 'I want to dance with somebody.' Why? Nobody knows. This is U-Glee. They seemed to only sing for about 10 seconds. Did they have to edit the acts down to make room for all Jessie J's posturing and wiffle-waffle.
My boyfriend just said of the male half of this appalling couple, 'Is that Justin Lee Collins fused with Wagbo?' I think he should write this blog for me. Especially today, as I've spent at least 5% of the day puking my guts up. Wagbo and co plus other old woman was rubbish. Next!
OMG I hate this Kids song soooooo much! It's completely tuneless. Robbie Williams and Kylie combined: smug central. I hope she goes through. It seems like this show has been chopped to bits tonight. They're not editing it very well at all.
My boyfriend on Jessie J: 'The only have one woman on the panel so why did they pick the most uninteresting one on the planet? Stop wiggling your shoulders and fuck off and die.' She seems to rub him up the wrong way, a little. I can't imagine why.
Indie and Pixie were giving the other girl the stink-eye when she was singing really well. I thought they were a bit off last time so they'd better be careful. Becky is much, much better than them. I like her voice. The others are off and they look cross. I liked Becky's screwed up face when Jessie was making her decision.
Yay, so glad she won over the Heathers.
The guy is better than the girl singing this Kings of Leon song. He's got a funny neck, though.
Oh, lawks this next two are going to do Firework. Even Katy Perry can't sing this fucker. They both sound off. This song is really hard to sing. I tried it on karaoke. Has anyone on earth ever sang this song on key? It's like aural torture. I bet Russell Brand is glad he doesn't have to pretend to like it anymore.
I don't think anyone should take on Kelly Jones's raspy old voice. It's the only thing the little Welsh prick has got going for him. I'm all Voiced out now. I watched two episodes of The Voice US today, too. Christina and her acrylic hair and the lovely Cee Lo makes me pine for better judges. Even the buffoonery of Adam Levine is more fun than William's nonsense speak.
Battle, battle, battle! Bo Bruce FTW. You know it makes sense.
Just when you thought things couldn't get anymore Welsh, Tom Jones has drafted in Cerys Matthews to help him. What's she going to advise, go on a rubbish reality show and get off with a dead-in-the-water soap star? Road raaaaaaaaaaage!
I'm every woman - spare us, Wills. Even Whitney's had enough of this one. I think the black girl is better by an inch but they were both good. Will someone tell Jessie to stop bobbing her head and singing along. It's like when the guitarist sings when he's not supposed to. Cringeworthy. These two second boys sound really similar. I think the one without the hat who looks like dannii minogue's ex has the edge but they're both pretty good. They're putting on a good performance, too. oh they sent my one home. Boo.
I'm finding it hard to judge who's better in this Tom Jones/Elvis shout off because I don't like Tom Jones, Elvis or shouting. Same goes for the next song that the bald girl sang. It just sounds like a fucking racket. Uh oh they've pitched Bo against Morgan Spurlock. She's gotta win!!! He's so overdone. She's beautiful. Do the right thing, Danny. Bo is something special. I'm actually nervous! Yes! He chose Bo. I'm so happy. She has real talent - I just love her.
So we're giving Chris Brown the BBC seal of approval by forcing the acts (against their will) to sing one of his blood-spattered dance numbers. I'm guessing the guy who threw his toys out of the pram will be going home. I see Jessie J is singing along her support of domestic violence. I better not ever see that bitch calling herself a feminist. Fucking thicko.
I though the two who did Rhianna would be better than they were. I think it's a bit style over substance there.
Sorry I got some dinner at that point so lost it a bit but heard 'soul on a pole'. I don't get the fuss about those two but it could be because I cant stand Heard it through the Grapevine. I'd rather listen to the sound of my own throat being cut and listening to the blood dribble out and my last raspy choking breaths.
OK, onto tonight's show. This turgid version of Beat It has got Jessie J's tasteless fingers all over it. Couldn't care less who won that one. This Lady Gaga song is too shrill.
Oh fucking hell, it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. This one with the glasses is singing with a faux American accent. I'm surprised Jessie J isn't the mentor. My boyfriend just walked in and said, 'What's this, a noteless off?' It does sound flat, but I can't work out which one is flat. Oh, the other one has a much nicer voice. She deserved to go through.
This Emmy girl is being a bit cocky... she'll probably go home. Stop intimidating Chris Fountain/Deano from Eastenders. Boyfriend: 'what is this, Cunt Academy?' I think he's been working on that one in the kitchen.
Chris Fountain looks like a rabbit in the headlights. It looks like someone's just dragged him in off the street. He's giving up on notes halfway through, not 'giving each note it's due respect' as some idiot said earlier. Bo Bruce is going to eat everyone in this category alive. That girl pulled a screwface when Jessie J said about the kiss and looked smug when Danny said she was further down the line. She looked proper sour when she got sent home. Serves her right. Having said that I can't believe they did put Alex through, he was fucking useless.
Peewee Herman is now doing 'I want to dance with somebody.' Why? Nobody knows. This is U-Glee. They seemed to only sing for about 10 seconds. Did they have to edit the acts down to make room for all Jessie J's posturing and wiffle-waffle.
My boyfriend just said of the male half of this appalling couple, 'Is that Justin Lee Collins fused with Wagbo?' I think he should write this blog for me. Especially today, as I've spent at least 5% of the day puking my guts up. Wagbo and co plus other old woman was rubbish. Next!
OMG I hate this Kids song soooooo much! It's completely tuneless. Robbie Williams and Kylie combined: smug central. I hope she goes through. It seems like this show has been chopped to bits tonight. They're not editing it very well at all.
My boyfriend on Jessie J: 'The only have one woman on the panel so why did they pick the most uninteresting one on the planet? Stop wiggling your shoulders and fuck off and die.' She seems to rub him up the wrong way, a little. I can't imagine why.
Indie and Pixie were giving the other girl the stink-eye when she was singing really well. I thought they were a bit off last time so they'd better be careful. Becky is much, much better than them. I like her voice. The others are off and they look cross. I liked Becky's screwed up face when Jessie was making her decision.
Yay, so glad she won over the Heathers.
The guy is better than the girl singing this Kings of Leon song. He's got a funny neck, though.
Oh, lawks this next two are going to do Firework. Even Katy Perry can't sing this fucker. They both sound off. This song is really hard to sing. I tried it on karaoke. Has anyone on earth ever sang this song on key? It's like aural torture. I bet Russell Brand is glad he doesn't have to pretend to like it anymore.
I don't think anyone should take on Kelly Jones's raspy old voice. It's the only thing the little Welsh prick has got going for him. I'm all Voiced out now. I watched two episodes of The Voice US today, too. Christina and her acrylic hair and the lovely Cee Lo makes me pine for better judges. Even the buffoonery of Adam Levine is more fun than William's nonsense speak.
Battle, battle, battle! Bo Bruce FTW. You know it makes sense.
Saturday, 7 April 2012
The Voice UK: Push the button. Don't push the button.
The amazing Bo Bruce is going to be on The Voice tonight so I'm very excited. I have followed her since she was on Orange Unsigned (and would have won had it not been for Tommy, who was also excellent). I even interviewed some of the acts on it for my blogs, but my interview technique was terrible and I don't think she got back to me, but she bigs up my blog and chats to me on Twitter once in blue moon. I never knew she was a Lady until I saw it in the Mail today. Well fuck your inverse snobbery. She's fucking ace. If she doesn't win it I'd be amazed.
First girl on was good. I think I might be starting to fancy The Script a bit. Wasn't Willy wearing that jacket last week? Maybe he's still got it on loan from the fancy dress shop.
I'm at my mums and they just told me they got their dog drunk on whiskey the other week and are now giving the other dog some of my cava out of an ashtray. Is this a matter for the RSPCA? More shockingly my mum and her boyfriend told me they LIKE Will*I*am. What is there to like? Is it his sparkling personality, his pointless boasting, or his overuse of full stops?
I don't think that second guy was much good. They let better people than that go last week. This third girl wasn't much good either. Has someone just died? They all look like they're grieving.
This next girl looks like Chantelle Houghton after a couple too many biccies (ie. a normal sized person). She's got the best voice so far and she's cute.
Tom Jones: 'I'm a married man' - that doesn't normally stop you, you randy old pervert.
'No sob stories in The Voice' said Jessie J. Maybe a dead brother doesn't count? I like the name Cassius but it might just be because of that song.
My mum said The Script is like an 'ugly looking version of Peter Andre.' That's quite insulting. You can see where I get it from.
The bickering between the judges is not as good as it is on the American version. I miss Adam Levine's begging, Christina's cleavage and Cee lo stroking his cat. I forget what the other one does except shamelessly plug his wife every week.
Now I can't stop thinking about Peter Andre. Scrap that thing I said about fancying Danny.
This girl from Wales is cute and she had a really good voice. She reminds me off one I like off America's Next Top Model. No one likes this little fat bloke and they can't even see him. Jessie J's twaddle of the week: 'your lips aren't hugely clean.' You talk fucking bullshit.
They are obviously leaving Bo until last as she's the best (I am biased). I wonder who'll she'll pick?
The guy who did Plan B was good.
I liked the girl who said her mum thought she was overweight, it was quite cute. Willy is playing the mum card. And it worked. Sly old dog. I wonder how old William is, he seems kind of ageless and alien like he could be 30 or 1000.
Random mum comment: 'I don't like dresses at all. I think they're horrible things. I've never worn a dress.' I'm sitting here wearing a dress. And I've seen her in a wedding dress, at the very least.
I thought the girl who did Adele was good enough to go through. She just shouldn't have sung that Adele song as it just draws comparisons. Aw, she was sweet.
Justin Lee Collins (psoriasis™) appears to be auditioning next. Ooh he's doing Bon Jovi. Very current. My mum fancies him. His voice was good. No one turned. Rock off.
Amy Winehouse's friend looks like he's been modelling his hair on hers. Sitting on the dock of the bay is like a Olly Murs crab-pinched-my-feet type song. I wish no one had picked him. My mum is particularly unhappy about all the brown trousers people are wearing. She's quite the fashion critic tonight.
Tom Jones, I think you've dropped something. Oh yeah, there it is, another name of some dead or irrelevant person.
Bo was really good. I love listening to her voice so much. Jessie J has got a cheek saying anything about Bo's vocal power, whose voice is about 10 million times better than hers. She's got more passion in her little finger than that stage-school brat. It just proves how thick JJ is by not turning round. I want Bo to win because I really want to buy her album! Plus she might let me write her autobiography, you never know. Bo, give me a call, you've got a phone, don't you? ;)
First girl on was good. I think I might be starting to fancy The Script a bit. Wasn't Willy wearing that jacket last week? Maybe he's still got it on loan from the fancy dress shop.
I'm at my mums and they just told me they got their dog drunk on whiskey the other week and are now giving the other dog some of my cava out of an ashtray. Is this a matter for the RSPCA? More shockingly my mum and her boyfriend told me they LIKE Will*I*am. What is there to like? Is it his sparkling personality, his pointless boasting, or his overuse of full stops?
I don't think that second guy was much good. They let better people than that go last week. This third girl wasn't much good either. Has someone just died? They all look like they're grieving.
This next girl looks like Chantelle Houghton after a couple too many biccies (ie. a normal sized person). She's got the best voice so far and she's cute.
Tom Jones: 'I'm a married man' - that doesn't normally stop you, you randy old pervert.
'No sob stories in The Voice' said Jessie J. Maybe a dead brother doesn't count? I like the name Cassius but it might just be because of that song.
My mum said The Script is like an 'ugly looking version of Peter Andre.' That's quite insulting. You can see where I get it from.
The bickering between the judges is not as good as it is on the American version. I miss Adam Levine's begging, Christina's cleavage and Cee lo stroking his cat. I forget what the other one does except shamelessly plug his wife every week.
Now I can't stop thinking about Peter Andre. Scrap that thing I said about fancying Danny.
This girl from Wales is cute and she had a really good voice. She reminds me off one I like off America's Next Top Model. No one likes this little fat bloke and they can't even see him. Jessie J's twaddle of the week: 'your lips aren't hugely clean.' You talk fucking bullshit.
They are obviously leaving Bo until last as she's the best (I am biased). I wonder who'll she'll pick?
The guy who did Plan B was good.
I liked the girl who said her mum thought she was overweight, it was quite cute. Willy is playing the mum card. And it worked. Sly old dog. I wonder how old William is, he seems kind of ageless and alien like he could be 30 or 1000.
Random mum comment: 'I don't like dresses at all. I think they're horrible things. I've never worn a dress.' I'm sitting here wearing a dress. And I've seen her in a wedding dress, at the very least.
I thought the girl who did Adele was good enough to go through. She just shouldn't have sung that Adele song as it just draws comparisons. Aw, she was sweet.
Justin Lee Collins (psoriasis™) appears to be auditioning next. Ooh he's doing Bon Jovi. Very current. My mum fancies him. His voice was good. No one turned. Rock off.
Amy Winehouse's friend looks like he's been modelling his hair on hers. Sitting on the dock of the bay is like a Olly Murs crab-pinched-my-feet type song. I wish no one had picked him. My mum is particularly unhappy about all the brown trousers people are wearing. She's quite the fashion critic tonight.
Tom Jones, I think you've dropped something. Oh yeah, there it is, another name of some dead or irrelevant person.
Bo was really good. I love listening to her voice so much. Jessie J has got a cheek saying anything about Bo's vocal power, whose voice is about 10 million times better than hers. She's got more passion in her little finger than that stage-school brat. It just proves how thick JJ is by not turning round. I want Bo to win because I really want to buy her album! Plus she might let me write her autobiography, you never know. Bo, give me a call, you've got a phone, don't you? ;)
Sunday, 1 April 2012
The Voice UK: I'm going to make you sang
Why the fuck am I bothering to watch this again? And more pertinently, why am I blogging it at 2am? The first contestant was quite good, he sung a proper chirpy little song, but I didn't think his voice was that good.
The way Wills sits there in that throne he reminds me of one of those boring ones in Star Wars that sit round talking about what biscuits they need on the Death Star to appease the Emporor.
My TV is strobing like an epileptic lava lamp. Perhaps I should by one that isn't circa 1987.
Tom Jones sleazily picked Barbara Streisand. It's like the judges are having an odium-off tonight. I literally don't know which one to despise first.
Some joker came on and was forced to do a Script song so at least I've actually heard one now. And I actually know it! Still it's no Sex Bomb, is it. My boyfriend told me the Eurythmics have a song called Sex Crime (which I didn't believe) and ever since we've been singing 'sex crime, sex crime, you're my sex crime.' I need to check out those lyrics, I bet they're amazing.
Wee Willy Winkie is like a little owl peeking out of a nook and/ or cranny, peering over his zany spectacles and promising that by this time next year he'll have your face painted on the side of moon and gigs lined up for you from everywhere to the Central African Republic to Kazikstan and the Grenadines.
It's soooooo cringy when the judges sing along. I feel embarrassed for Jessie J, she acts like she's about 14 and she's just drunk her first bottle of Hooch. She's one of those people who if you were friends with her you'd never go round her house because it would be full of toadying twats in pork pie hats and girls talking about organic muesli and pilaties whilst mainlining cocaine and talking drivel.
Son of a Preacher man girl can fuck off, too. She was quite ungracious in defeat, too. Yeah, get back on that horse and trot along.
The next contestant is passing himself off as 'crazy' because he's dressed like a teen Billy Idol. I didnt even know it was Like a Virgin he was singing. He gave it the full Darius treatment. I think this dipshit is going to go with Willy because they're both accountant types who've decided that wearing jewellery that comes out of those 20p egg machines is 'so hot right now'.
Mr Adams looked like he's just found out he's not got a cut of Fergie's Avon perfume deal when he didn't choose the cheeky opera girl. I love the fact she found out she could sing like that by taking the piss, that's kind of cool.
I wonder what chief Pea chats about with Cheryl Cole when they meet up for a knob-twiddling session? I bet they blow so much smoke up each other's arses about what unique and talented artists' they are, little knowing that aged over 40 you should probably shelve the neon baseball jackets, and that only doing tweets to make nasty little digs at people makes you look like the hateful cow you really are.
They should use that 'sex on fire' song on a cystitis advert. That guy's voice was quite good though. And playing barefoot, too? It's simply GROUNDBREAKING! Whatever next?
Oh God, does the world need another Olly Murs? We've already fucked him off to America, although what the fuck they'd want with him one can only imagine. They obviously haven't heard the one about the crab pinching his feet.
I think Holly Willoughby has been in this show for about 4 seconds so far.
This couple are an interesting mixture. I think they're a bit folky. They're trying to do the Darius treatment on the Beautiful South. I think Jessie J was pleased when she lost the coin toss because she was narked they weren't fussed which one they had.
Oh god, a precoscious 16-year-old goth cheeky girl. Stand out from the crowd? She's obviously never been to Northampton. There's about 10 of her on every corner. I thought she was quite good, though, shame they didn't pick her.
Jessie J can stick her stage-school diction comments up her arse. Diction is not what I want from a song. I want pain, truth and bits I can tunelessly bellow along to, not vocal acrobatics and someone going 'huh'! Tom jones has been doing that 'huh!' bullshit since before the dinosaurs got nuked.
I thought the last two were rubbish. But I do like Scripty dude a bit more now. He seems like you could take him home to your mum. Not sure that's what I want from a popstar, though.
Right, I've done my bit. Off to beddybyes. x
The way Wills sits there in that throne he reminds me of one of those boring ones in Star Wars that sit round talking about what biscuits they need on the Death Star to appease the Emporor.
My TV is strobing like an epileptic lava lamp. Perhaps I should by one that isn't circa 1987.
Tom Jones sleazily picked Barbara Streisand. It's like the judges are having an odium-off tonight. I literally don't know which one to despise first.
Some joker came on and was forced to do a Script song so at least I've actually heard one now. And I actually know it! Still it's no Sex Bomb, is it. My boyfriend told me the Eurythmics have a song called Sex Crime (which I didn't believe) and ever since we've been singing 'sex crime, sex crime, you're my sex crime.' I need to check out those lyrics, I bet they're amazing.
Wee Willy Winkie is like a little owl peeking out of a nook and/ or cranny, peering over his zany spectacles and promising that by this time next year he'll have your face painted on the side of moon and gigs lined up for you from everywhere to the Central African Republic to Kazikstan and the Grenadines.
It's soooooo cringy when the judges sing along. I feel embarrassed for Jessie J, she acts like she's about 14 and she's just drunk her first bottle of Hooch. She's one of those people who if you were friends with her you'd never go round her house because it would be full of toadying twats in pork pie hats and girls talking about organic muesli and pilaties whilst mainlining cocaine and talking drivel.
Son of a Preacher man girl can fuck off, too. She was quite ungracious in defeat, too. Yeah, get back on that horse and trot along.
The next contestant is passing himself off as 'crazy' because he's dressed like a teen Billy Idol. I didnt even know it was Like a Virgin he was singing. He gave it the full Darius treatment. I think this dipshit is going to go with Willy because they're both accountant types who've decided that wearing jewellery that comes out of those 20p egg machines is 'so hot right now'.
Mr Adams looked like he's just found out he's not got a cut of Fergie's Avon perfume deal when he didn't choose the cheeky opera girl. I love the fact she found out she could sing like that by taking the piss, that's kind of cool.
I wonder what chief Pea chats about with Cheryl Cole when they meet up for a knob-twiddling session? I bet they blow so much smoke up each other's arses about what unique and talented artists' they are, little knowing that aged over 40 you should probably shelve the neon baseball jackets, and that only doing tweets to make nasty little digs at people makes you look like the hateful cow you really are.
They should use that 'sex on fire' song on a cystitis advert. That guy's voice was quite good though. And playing barefoot, too? It's simply GROUNDBREAKING! Whatever next?
Oh God, does the world need another Olly Murs? We've already fucked him off to America, although what the fuck they'd want with him one can only imagine. They obviously haven't heard the one about the crab pinching his feet.
I think Holly Willoughby has been in this show for about 4 seconds so far.
This couple are an interesting mixture. I think they're a bit folky. They're trying to do the Darius treatment on the Beautiful South. I think Jessie J was pleased when she lost the coin toss because she was narked they weren't fussed which one they had.
Oh god, a precoscious 16-year-old goth cheeky girl. Stand out from the crowd? She's obviously never been to Northampton. There's about 10 of her on every corner. I thought she was quite good, though, shame they didn't pick her.
Jessie J can stick her stage-school diction comments up her arse. Diction is not what I want from a song. I want pain, truth and bits I can tunelessly bellow along to, not vocal acrobatics and someone going 'huh'! Tom jones has been doing that 'huh!' bullshit since before the dinosaurs got nuked.
I thought the last two were rubbish. But I do like Scripty dude a bit more now. He seems like you could take him home to your mum. Not sure that's what I want from a popstar, though.
Right, I've done my bit. Off to beddybyes. x
Saturday, 24 March 2012
The Voice UK: Your lips are mad clean
'It doesn't matter what you look like or what you wear'. That's lucky with these jokers on the panel. The Voice USA is a triumph. I have a feeling this is going to be an embarrassment. The BBC don't do this type of show well. Although I liked Fame Academy. Specifically Ainslie.
Four of the biggest names in music? I don't even know what one of these people is called. 'Danny O Donna-who?' said my boyfriend. I predict that joke will have been done approximately 4843874387387282137 times on Twitter by the time I post this blog. I don't look at Twitter whilst I do my blogs, btw, mainly because I don't watch shows live. But also because I can think of my own bad jokes. Well, either me or the boyfriend can.
I am really appalled by choice of judges for this show. Three men and only one woman: well, goes without saying. Hateful sexist scumbag Tom Jones - who sleeps with women other than his wife and just expects her to put up with it - is so out of touch that I doubt if he could tell Rhianna from a wrist watch. Jessie J is so insincere she makes Fearne Cotton look friendly, and her music is pure piffle. I'd like to comment on DOD from the Script but I know nothing about him. I can only assume they got him cheap as fuck.
Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb. If he's a sex bomb, I'm painting myself with Kevlar and hiding in Obama's suitcase. And even then, I'm scared. Can you imagine him waving it at you, all orange with those grey pubes. Sorry, I just vomited in my lap.
I've got a feeling! That tonight's gonna be a good night. When will they learn with this fucking song? Frankie Cocozza should have put that fucker to bed long ago. Why aren't they singing one of The Script's ditties? OMG this is proper embarassing. I reckon Will Young refused to sing this song and was thrown from the panel straight onto the Question Time set.
Every time Jessie J speaks my boyfriend goes 'huh!' because she always does it in her turgid songs. Huh!
Don't know why Reggie Yates is on this show. Holly could do it easily on her own. Oh God, it's like when Pointless first started and they had to explain the rules 10 billion times over. It's not that difficult. They've got their backs to the acts. They press the button if they like the Voice. End of, as Saskia from Big Brother would have said. God, my references are more out of date than Tom Jones's.
Imagine being patronised by Jessie J. On TV. They should put up Samaritans number at the end, the humiliation is so great. I'd rather be spat on by Cher Lloyd or hit on by Kirk Norcross.
I always imagine an American person watching the UK versions of their shows and crying with laughter. London Ink, for example. Honestly, we haven't got a clue. Endemol shows should be all about sex and drama and twists and fakery. This is just a bunch of old farts sitting in chairs. I can see that in my own living room, even when the TV's broken.
The best bit about the US version is all the judges gurning at each other. They have quite good chemistry, too. Christina is a drunken mess and charming, Cee Lo is a big cuddly bear, and even that twat from Maroon 5 is entertaining because he's such a doofus. The country one isn't worth mentioning as you haven't heard of him and I suspect he can't remember his own name.
The first contender is doing a Jessie J song. She's not going 'huh!' though. Huh fail.
Will.i.am is annoying because you have to write those dots in his name. Every journalist on the planet must despise him for that. I shall just go the Daily Mail route and call him Mr. Adams instead. That's not the ONLY reason Mr Adams is annoying, though. He's got an annoying face. His eyes are a bit far apart. He wears annoyingly bright clothes. He's mates with the hateful Cheryl Cole. He helped make Fergie and her appalling 'humps' famous.
What songs is Tom Jones gonna give people to sing? Some Catatonia bullshit? Who on earth is going to pick this Script dude? What contacts does he have? He doesn't even have enough nous to make HIMSELF famous! Scrapt!
Bloke from Five: still shit.
I like the contestant named 'Samuel Buttery'. What a fantastic name. Do you think his mum's called 'Utterly'? He's got the best voice so far. I wonder why no one else turned around except for that disgusting toad-faced Welsh sex-creep? I'd hate having to cow-tow to that disgusting leery old pig.
My TV is strobing and it's doing my fucking head in. I'm going to put my foot through it in a second. As if this isn't torture enough? My TV strobes during Pointless, too, all the license paying channels. Thank fuck I gave up watching Eastenders. Don't come round mine if you're an epileptic.
Alopecia times! I thought Jessie J said it wasn't all about the sob stories. Mind you, she said it wasn't about the money, money, money, either. That contestant looks better with her scarf off. Some people suit a bald head. Surely Jessie J is wearing a wig, anyway? What... that's her real hair? Mentalz.
Push the button... don't push the button. I love all the gimmicks. I like the thrones. Where the fuck is Holly Willoughby?
That guy who did Oasis was dull as fuck. Mr. Adams has 'cats he hangs out with at home that live and eat music.' Mine live and eat Hi-Life tuna and salmon.
Tom Jones, stop name-dropping, you're worse than Courtney Love and Michael Masden combined. I don't think Master Adams can really use Michael Jackson as a successful case-study of his career highlights.
Jessie J mouthing the words to 'Come Together'. Fab Macca must be proud. This contestant isn't bad looking. Insert 'come together' joke here. He's got an amp, a guitar. Must be a real musician, then.
Has anyone picked DOD from the Script yet? Ooh, this guy just did. Sucker. DOD can't even name drop Louis Walsh, and he's Irish.
I like Mr Adam's comfy place in hell analogy 'next to a hot rock'. Is these the pearls of wisdom he's guiding Tweedy's career with? Just as good as being on X Factor USA with Simon Cowell, right?
This guy doing Elton John has a good voice. He's super camp. Did Jessie J just say, 'Your lips are mad clean'? What the fuck does THAT mean? She's making me pine for Tulisa's banal commentary. FYI I prefer the blonde, fun blow-jobby Tulisa to the stick-up-her-arse dressed-20-years-too-old-for-her-age Tulisa on X Factor. God, I hope Jessie J doesn't have a sex tape. HUH! Can you imagine a Tom Jones sex tape. Huh... huh... huh.... bluh!
This person called Twinilee is pretty. She looks like a model. Shit, I thought she was good. I'm surprised no one turned for her. That guy who did Train was quite good, too. Ones I like never go through.
Judges really need to work on their gurning. I also don't like the stupid subtitles when they do their chatter and fake button pushing.
I like this last girl's t-shirt. She's doing Jessie J; note the 'huh's! What a horrible song. She has got a good voice, though. Good legs, too. I think she's going to pick Monsieur Adamz. Jessie J's got screw-face. Mind you, it's quite hard to tell the difference from usual. She's got a face like a paving slab.
To be fair: this show wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be a car crash, but it was reasonably slick. The hosts seemed like they were hidden in a cupboard and even the disgusting Jones didn't make my skin crawl as much as expected. I'll give it another coupla weeks.
I'm going to try watching BGT but I can't face blogging it. Walliams is a good choice for a judge but it makes me angry that Simon will preside over that old crap but won't drag his man-tits over here for the UK X Factor. He's a lot better at picking singers than grannies with dancing dogs. He's wasted on this show. Come home, Simon. I miss your grinchly ways.
Right, I think that's my word count for the night sorted. Have a good one.
Four of the biggest names in music? I don't even know what one of these people is called. 'Danny O Donna-who?' said my boyfriend. I predict that joke will have been done approximately 4843874387387282137 times on Twitter by the time I post this blog. I don't look at Twitter whilst I do my blogs, btw, mainly because I don't watch shows live. But also because I can think of my own bad jokes. Well, either me or the boyfriend can.
I am really appalled by choice of judges for this show. Three men and only one woman: well, goes without saying. Hateful sexist scumbag Tom Jones - who sleeps with women other than his wife and just expects her to put up with it - is so out of touch that I doubt if he could tell Rhianna from a wrist watch. Jessie J is so insincere she makes Fearne Cotton look friendly, and her music is pure piffle. I'd like to comment on DOD from the Script but I know nothing about him. I can only assume they got him cheap as fuck.
Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb. If he's a sex bomb, I'm painting myself with Kevlar and hiding in Obama's suitcase. And even then, I'm scared. Can you imagine him waving it at you, all orange with those grey pubes. Sorry, I just vomited in my lap.
I've got a feeling! That tonight's gonna be a good night. When will they learn with this fucking song? Frankie Cocozza should have put that fucker to bed long ago. Why aren't they singing one of The Script's ditties? OMG this is proper embarassing. I reckon Will Young refused to sing this song and was thrown from the panel straight onto the Question Time set.
Every time Jessie J speaks my boyfriend goes 'huh!' because she always does it in her turgid songs. Huh!
Don't know why Reggie Yates is on this show. Holly could do it easily on her own. Oh God, it's like when Pointless first started and they had to explain the rules 10 billion times over. It's not that difficult. They've got their backs to the acts. They press the button if they like the Voice. End of, as Saskia from Big Brother would have said. God, my references are more out of date than Tom Jones's.
Imagine being patronised by Jessie J. On TV. They should put up Samaritans number at the end, the humiliation is so great. I'd rather be spat on by Cher Lloyd or hit on by Kirk Norcross.
I always imagine an American person watching the UK versions of their shows and crying with laughter. London Ink, for example. Honestly, we haven't got a clue. Endemol shows should be all about sex and drama and twists and fakery. This is just a bunch of old farts sitting in chairs. I can see that in my own living room, even when the TV's broken.
The best bit about the US version is all the judges gurning at each other. They have quite good chemistry, too. Christina is a drunken mess and charming, Cee Lo is a big cuddly bear, and even that twat from Maroon 5 is entertaining because he's such a doofus. The country one isn't worth mentioning as you haven't heard of him and I suspect he can't remember his own name.
The first contender is doing a Jessie J song. She's not going 'huh!' though. Huh fail.
Will.i.am is annoying because you have to write those dots in his name. Every journalist on the planet must despise him for that. I shall just go the Daily Mail route and call him Mr. Adams instead. That's not the ONLY reason Mr Adams is annoying, though. He's got an annoying face. His eyes are a bit far apart. He wears annoyingly bright clothes. He's mates with the hateful Cheryl Cole. He helped make Fergie and her appalling 'humps' famous.
What songs is Tom Jones gonna give people to sing? Some Catatonia bullshit? Who on earth is going to pick this Script dude? What contacts does he have? He doesn't even have enough nous to make HIMSELF famous! Scrapt!
Bloke from Five: still shit.
I like the contestant named 'Samuel Buttery'. What a fantastic name. Do you think his mum's called 'Utterly'? He's got the best voice so far. I wonder why no one else turned around except for that disgusting toad-faced Welsh sex-creep? I'd hate having to cow-tow to that disgusting leery old pig.
My TV is strobing and it's doing my fucking head in. I'm going to put my foot through it in a second. As if this isn't torture enough? My TV strobes during Pointless, too, all the license paying channels. Thank fuck I gave up watching Eastenders. Don't come round mine if you're an epileptic.
Alopecia times! I thought Jessie J said it wasn't all about the sob stories. Mind you, she said it wasn't about the money, money, money, either. That contestant looks better with her scarf off. Some people suit a bald head. Surely Jessie J is wearing a wig, anyway? What... that's her real hair? Mentalz.
Push the button... don't push the button. I love all the gimmicks. I like the thrones. Where the fuck is Holly Willoughby?
That guy who did Oasis was dull as fuck. Mr. Adams has 'cats he hangs out with at home that live and eat music.' Mine live and eat Hi-Life tuna and salmon.
Tom Jones, stop name-dropping, you're worse than Courtney Love and Michael Masden combined. I don't think Master Adams can really use Michael Jackson as a successful case-study of his career highlights.
Jessie J mouthing the words to 'Come Together'. Fab Macca must be proud. This contestant isn't bad looking. Insert 'come together' joke here. He's got an amp, a guitar. Must be a real musician, then.
Has anyone picked DOD from the Script yet? Ooh, this guy just did. Sucker. DOD can't even name drop Louis Walsh, and he's Irish.
I like Mr Adam's comfy place in hell analogy 'next to a hot rock'. Is these the pearls of wisdom he's guiding Tweedy's career with? Just as good as being on X Factor USA with Simon Cowell, right?
This guy doing Elton John has a good voice. He's super camp. Did Jessie J just say, 'Your lips are mad clean'? What the fuck does THAT mean? She's making me pine for Tulisa's banal commentary. FYI I prefer the blonde, fun blow-jobby Tulisa to the stick-up-her-arse dressed-20-years-too-old-for-her-age Tulisa on X Factor. God, I hope Jessie J doesn't have a sex tape. HUH! Can you imagine a Tom Jones sex tape. Huh... huh... huh.... bluh!
This person called Twinilee is pretty. She looks like a model. Shit, I thought she was good. I'm surprised no one turned for her. That guy who did Train was quite good, too. Ones I like never go through.
Judges really need to work on their gurning. I also don't like the stupid subtitles when they do their chatter and fake button pushing.
I like this last girl's t-shirt. She's doing Jessie J; note the 'huh's! What a horrible song. She has got a good voice, though. Good legs, too. I think she's going to pick Monsieur Adamz. Jessie J's got screw-face. Mind you, it's quite hard to tell the difference from usual. She's got a face like a paving slab.
To be fair: this show wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be a car crash, but it was reasonably slick. The hosts seemed like they were hidden in a cupboard and even the disgusting Jones didn't make my skin crawl as much as expected. I'll give it another coupla weeks.
I'm going to try watching BGT but I can't face blogging it. Walliams is a good choice for a judge but it makes me angry that Simon will preside over that old crap but won't drag his man-tits over here for the UK X Factor. He's a lot better at picking singers than grannies with dancing dogs. He's wasted on this show. Come home, Simon. I miss your grinchly ways.
Right, I think that's my word count for the night sorted. Have a good one.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
The Brit Awards 2012: The cream of the crap
I've blogged the Brit awards a mind-boggling four years in a row. The world is spinning round fast, isn't it? Perhaps I've mellowed and I'll enjoy it this year. What? James Corden is presenting again? Only Keith Lemon (an imaginary but still highly irritating person) is more odious. He's doing the spin-off show? I'll go stick some broken glass up my nose after instead of watching that.
I'm drinking Babycham. I think I might need something stronger. OK, here we go. It's Coldplay! Apparently Courtney Love is friends with Gloopy Paltrow. Can you imagine Courtney hanging out with Chris Martin? Or Beyonce? Scarecrow dreams indeed. Who do you think is the bigger dictator, Chris Martin or Gary Barlow? Only one way to find out, etc.
They should get Russell Brand to present this bag of crap. I'm tired of Adele going I wont do this, I won't do that, I'll never sing again, I'll never write about emotions again, I'll never wear a shapeless black lacy dress again, blah, blah, blah. Go away and never do these things again, then. I keep seeing you everywhere. I did like that pic of her cuddling those Grammys though, it was cute. She should have thrown one at Chris Brown.
Whitney. Is she British now? No? Move along, then.
Florence and the Machine. I never realised the 'machine' was imaginary, I just thought she kept them well hidden, like behind a curtain or something. Can I get away with the dialysis machine joke again? It's not even my joke. Her face looks like it is hanging off, she's got worse jowls than Karl Lagerfield (tm. Alan Carr). Her voice is like a thousand bottles being thrown into a skip and then fed through a mincer. I saw someone accidentally fall into a woodchipping machine on 1000 ways to die, and then spray his workmate with his bloody little human bone chips instead of woodchips. Florence could do the soundtrack to that sort of horror with her eyes closed.
Mentions of Adele so far. 2. Best female solo artist. Kate Bush?! WTF. Anyone but Jessie J. Anyone but Jessie J. Oh, it's Adele. What a surprise. She looks quite lithe. She talks like the proper London girls I know. I like that London accent, it's very genuine.
Talking of lithe, I thought I read James Corden had lost weight? Maybe they just meant that little goblin he used to hang around with.
Good reading off a card, Jack Whitehall. Who the fuck is Aloe Blacc? Sounds like something your mum sends you to buy down Holland and Barrett. Ryan Adams, that's a bit of a curveball. Jessie J just did a 'brrappppp'. You could get chucked out of the Big Brother house for less than that.
I don't get the Bruno Mars thing. He looks like a little dweeb and his music is tragic. He hasn't even got the mooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
That guy walking in front of James Corden provided the biggest laugh of the night so far. Next time, try hiring a comedian.
OLLY MURS. Fucking hell. Forget the crab pinching his feet, that's the sound of a barrel being scraped, reggae-style. When will Olly bring out his range of cooking sauces? More to the point, when will Levi Roots release a single?
I didn't think we were this hard up for talent. Where's Jedward when you need them?
My boyfriend just said 'this is a good song.' about Olly Murs. He's either being deeply ironic or he's gone fucking nuts. My Sky Plus box just skipped-skipped-skipped 2 and a half minutes of that.
Is James Corden still going 'shabba'? I called him out on that dated bollocks last year.
This conversation between Cordy and Jessie J is super-stilted. Seriously, I can't STAND Jessie J. I think that The Voice UK is going to be completely unwatchable, which is a shame as the US version is AMAZING. Tom Jones is even more disgusting than Keith Lemon. Will.i.am (or Mr Adams, as the Daily Mail calls him) is beyond parody. The guy from The Script might be our only hope. At least I don't hate him already.
Now my boyfriend is going 'this is your sort of thing' about some ginger hobbit thing. This is about as far away from 'my sort of thing' as child molesting.
Tinie Tempah (if indeed that's how you spell it). So many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. The end.
What did One Direction just win? Most patronising lyrics? My boyfriend said that song should be renamed 'From Paedos to a Child.' I don't know what he's trying to say. Why are they dressed like snooker players? Looks like Gary Barlow has dressed them.
I'm not even going to comment on Jensen Button. Let's look at these wonderful international female role models. Rhianna. Beyonce. Feist (I know who that is, but 99.8% of that audience don't). Gargoyle.
Is Jessie J sitting with Danny Wallace? Rhianna is thick as pig-shit. I am constantly disappointed by that woman. I've tried so hard to make allowances for her, and not be a victim-blaming dickhead, but there's no getting around it. She's just a dimlo.
My boyfriend just said, 'who is this Ed Sheeran? I don't want his name ever mentioned in this house ever again.' Fair comment.
Noel Gallagher. I'm only interested if he's doing a bolshy interview. Otherwise, he can get off the stage. Oh God, Chris Martin is tinkling the ivories. I need Apple's baby headphones like at that rubbish Live Aid to block out the din (dins).
James Corden: 'tonight is the night that celebrates the best of the musical talent.' But sadly they couldn't make it.
Winehouse tribute. Well, at least she's British. And she's got that London girl accent. I'm surprised Mitch didn't come on and cover one of her tunes 'out of respect'.
Oh, there's Graham from Coronation Street. Also dressed by Gary Barlow. Liked his joke about putting on weight. It's not like Tina has upgraded by going for Tommy Duckworth.
What's Ed Sheeran winning? Worst haircut? Didn't lose his virginity until he was famous award? Most likely to be found in the shade on holiday?
Best British Group. Huey from Fun Loving Criminals is presenting this award. They've got all the top stars, haven't they? Wasn't he on 'It's me or the dog' a couple of years back? It was something like that. I saw Martin Rossiter on a home improvement show once, too. I'm hoping to see Brian Molko on the celebrity version of Pointless soon.
Elbow, lol. I liked it when Jason Grimshaw was singing Elbow songs in Corrie the other day. Jason Grimshaw would never like Elbow. He'd like David Guetta or something. Just to clarify, I hate Elbow. Just to clarify, I hate everything.
One of Coldplay is chewing gum. I hope his mum is watching the TV and poking herself in the eye with a knitting needle.
I actually laughed at Cordy's PJ Harvey and Duncan joke. The shame.
Does Adele just have that one dress? She's like Bart Simpson. I like Adele's personality and her attitude. I just don't like her music. I think she's cute, though. Her voice sounds a bit off today.
LOL Brian May. He's everywhere these days. His hair looks like a tired cobweb. Are Jay Z and Kanye West 'an international group'? How about The Killers? Foo Fighters. Fuck off. Dave Grohl can't even be arsed to do the thank you video. Courtney was right about him.
If you like this Bruno Mars dude, go get your hearing and your eyesight checked out, and then come back and apologise to all of us one by one.
There's not even been a medley tonight. Not even a fucking medley. Cunts!
Lana Del Rey is the first thing I've liked. And I only like two of hers. I think her voice is good, but over a whole album it was a bit annoying. I hope she sings, though. I like the one that goes 'I'm scared you won't be waiting on the other side', it's quite nice.
I hope that disgusting thug isn't there with Rhianna. I heard we didn't let him in the country last time, but I'm sure we'll forgive him and give him an ickle cuddle sooner or later. As if we don't have enough scumbags of our own we could deport. I think Rhianna is so off her head, she doesn't know what day of the week it is. Either that or she's just immature. But I hope she doesn't look back one day and realise that she had the platform of a lifetime and she used it to boast about smoking spliffs and not to save young girl's lives. That's quite a regret and not one I'd like to face in the mirror one day.
Ray Winstone. Not as good as Danny Dyer. But then, what is? Why isn't Phil Daniels presenting this award? Is it cos he died in that cut-and-shut on Eastenders?
So Blur are winning Lifetime Achievement Award. I got the Pointless answer for Blur Top 40 singles on Pointless the other day, Out of Time. I really like Out of Time. I also like The Universal. And Girls and Boys. And To The End. I think that's about it. I saw Superhands in a film the other night (Malice in Wonderland starring Danny Dyer, better than it sounds) and now Damon reminds me of Superhands. I hate Damon Albarn, obviously. Tender is the worst. Stop pacing around. Let Alex James thank cheese, FFS. Without cheese he's NOTHING. NOTHING!
Wrap it up, Damon, FFS. WTF he didn't even let Alex speak. What about the milk cartons? What about Graham Coxon? What about that ginger one? I bet they'll do a medley. Don't let us down, boys/ middle-aged men.
LOL George Michael just showed up, after we misquoted him earlier. Insert Snappy Snaps-outside toilet-smoking spliff joke here. I like George Michael. Not his music, obviously, but I like his devil-may-care attitude. He doesn't seem to give a shit. And I like Freedom by Wham. And Last Christmas, obv.
He's drunk! Is Adele sitting with Ricky Butcher? Well, why not? I could see Adele in Eastenders, giving Bianca a slap. If I still watched it, that is. James Corden just cut Adele's speech short because we've got to hear Girls and Boys. Girls and Boys takes me slap-bang back to the indie disco and being 14 again. I was a teenager for the best era of music ever - grunge (Hole, Smashing Pumpkins) and Britpop (Pulp, Gene etc). To follow that by falling in love with Morrissey and Bright Eyes just seems greedy. No wonder children today have no soul, look what we're feeding them. What do you fucking expect? I'd rather smash a window and nick an iPad than listen to fucking Olly Murs as well.
Holly Willoughby and Louis Spence's dancing was rather amazing. Do you think Graham Coxon is ashamed? Do you think Alex James is plotting his next country fete? Do you think Damon Albarn would rather be collaborating with some African steel band group or an irritating hologram?
Dave Rowntree looks like middle-age has caught up with him faster than the others. If I never hear Song 2 or Beetlebum again it will be too soon. But not as soon as if I ever hear Stuck in the Middle with You again. And yes, I do know that wasn't them.
Parklife just turned up. I wonder how much he gets every time they unearth him to shout over this song. I hope Denise Fox isn't watching telly right now, she'll get a shock. Keep it quiet from Phil Mitchell, too. And Ben.
Graham Coxon looks like he's been taking fashion tips from Jarvis Cocker and the dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards boutique.
I haven't even got a pithy final line. So I'll leave you with this. At least the appalling Jessie J didn't win anything. Maybe by this time next year she'll be a dim and distant memory. We can only hope. Break a leg.
I'm drinking Babycham. I think I might need something stronger. OK, here we go. It's Coldplay! Apparently Courtney Love is friends with Gloopy Paltrow. Can you imagine Courtney hanging out with Chris Martin? Or Beyonce? Scarecrow dreams indeed. Who do you think is the bigger dictator, Chris Martin or Gary Barlow? Only one way to find out, etc.
They should get Russell Brand to present this bag of crap. I'm tired of Adele going I wont do this, I won't do that, I'll never sing again, I'll never write about emotions again, I'll never wear a shapeless black lacy dress again, blah, blah, blah. Go away and never do these things again, then. I keep seeing you everywhere. I did like that pic of her cuddling those Grammys though, it was cute. She should have thrown one at Chris Brown.
Whitney. Is she British now? No? Move along, then.
Florence and the Machine. I never realised the 'machine' was imaginary, I just thought she kept them well hidden, like behind a curtain or something. Can I get away with the dialysis machine joke again? It's not even my joke. Her face looks like it is hanging off, she's got worse jowls than Karl Lagerfield (tm. Alan Carr). Her voice is like a thousand bottles being thrown into a skip and then fed through a mincer. I saw someone accidentally fall into a woodchipping machine on 1000 ways to die, and then spray his workmate with his bloody little human bone chips instead of woodchips. Florence could do the soundtrack to that sort of horror with her eyes closed.
Mentions of Adele so far. 2. Best female solo artist. Kate Bush?! WTF. Anyone but Jessie J. Anyone but Jessie J. Oh, it's Adele. What a surprise. She looks quite lithe. She talks like the proper London girls I know. I like that London accent, it's very genuine.
Talking of lithe, I thought I read James Corden had lost weight? Maybe they just meant that little goblin he used to hang around with.
Good reading off a card, Jack Whitehall. Who the fuck is Aloe Blacc? Sounds like something your mum sends you to buy down Holland and Barrett. Ryan Adams, that's a bit of a curveball. Jessie J just did a 'brrappppp'. You could get chucked out of the Big Brother house for less than that.
I don't get the Bruno Mars thing. He looks like a little dweeb and his music is tragic. He hasn't even got the mooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
That guy walking in front of James Corden provided the biggest laugh of the night so far. Next time, try hiring a comedian.
OLLY MURS. Fucking hell. Forget the crab pinching his feet, that's the sound of a barrel being scraped, reggae-style. When will Olly bring out his range of cooking sauces? More to the point, when will Levi Roots release a single?
I didn't think we were this hard up for talent. Where's Jedward when you need them?
My boyfriend just said 'this is a good song.' about Olly Murs. He's either being deeply ironic or he's gone fucking nuts. My Sky Plus box just skipped-skipped-skipped 2 and a half minutes of that.
Is James Corden still going 'shabba'? I called him out on that dated bollocks last year.
This conversation between Cordy and Jessie J is super-stilted. Seriously, I can't STAND Jessie J. I think that The Voice UK is going to be completely unwatchable, which is a shame as the US version is AMAZING. Tom Jones is even more disgusting than Keith Lemon. Will.i.am (or Mr Adams, as the Daily Mail calls him) is beyond parody. The guy from The Script might be our only hope. At least I don't hate him already.
Now my boyfriend is going 'this is your sort of thing' about some ginger hobbit thing. This is about as far away from 'my sort of thing' as child molesting.
Tinie Tempah (if indeed that's how you spell it). So many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. The end.
What did One Direction just win? Most patronising lyrics? My boyfriend said that song should be renamed 'From Paedos to a Child.' I don't know what he's trying to say. Why are they dressed like snooker players? Looks like Gary Barlow has dressed them.
I'm not even going to comment on Jensen Button. Let's look at these wonderful international female role models. Rhianna. Beyonce. Feist (I know who that is, but 99.8% of that audience don't). Gargoyle.
Is Jessie J sitting with Danny Wallace? Rhianna is thick as pig-shit. I am constantly disappointed by that woman. I've tried so hard to make allowances for her, and not be a victim-blaming dickhead, but there's no getting around it. She's just a dimlo.
My boyfriend just said, 'who is this Ed Sheeran? I don't want his name ever mentioned in this house ever again.' Fair comment.
Noel Gallagher. I'm only interested if he's doing a bolshy interview. Otherwise, he can get off the stage. Oh God, Chris Martin is tinkling the ivories. I need Apple's baby headphones like at that rubbish Live Aid to block out the din (dins).
James Corden: 'tonight is the night that celebrates the best of the musical talent.' But sadly they couldn't make it.
Winehouse tribute. Well, at least she's British. And she's got that London girl accent. I'm surprised Mitch didn't come on and cover one of her tunes 'out of respect'.
Oh, there's Graham from Coronation Street. Also dressed by Gary Barlow. Liked his joke about putting on weight. It's not like Tina has upgraded by going for Tommy Duckworth.
What's Ed Sheeran winning? Worst haircut? Didn't lose his virginity until he was famous award? Most likely to be found in the shade on holiday?
Best British Group. Huey from Fun Loving Criminals is presenting this award. They've got all the top stars, haven't they? Wasn't he on 'It's me or the dog' a couple of years back? It was something like that. I saw Martin Rossiter on a home improvement show once, too. I'm hoping to see Brian Molko on the celebrity version of Pointless soon.
Elbow, lol. I liked it when Jason Grimshaw was singing Elbow songs in Corrie the other day. Jason Grimshaw would never like Elbow. He'd like David Guetta or something. Just to clarify, I hate Elbow. Just to clarify, I hate everything.
One of Coldplay is chewing gum. I hope his mum is watching the TV and poking herself in the eye with a knitting needle.
I actually laughed at Cordy's PJ Harvey and Duncan joke. The shame.
Does Adele just have that one dress? She's like Bart Simpson. I like Adele's personality and her attitude. I just don't like her music. I think she's cute, though. Her voice sounds a bit off today.
LOL Brian May. He's everywhere these days. His hair looks like a tired cobweb. Are Jay Z and Kanye West 'an international group'? How about The Killers? Foo Fighters. Fuck off. Dave Grohl can't even be arsed to do the thank you video. Courtney was right about him.
If you like this Bruno Mars dude, go get your hearing and your eyesight checked out, and then come back and apologise to all of us one by one.
There's not even been a medley tonight. Not even a fucking medley. Cunts!
Lana Del Rey is the first thing I've liked. And I only like two of hers. I think her voice is good, but over a whole album it was a bit annoying. I hope she sings, though. I like the one that goes 'I'm scared you won't be waiting on the other side', it's quite nice.
I hope that disgusting thug isn't there with Rhianna. I heard we didn't let him in the country last time, but I'm sure we'll forgive him and give him an ickle cuddle sooner or later. As if we don't have enough scumbags of our own we could deport. I think Rhianna is so off her head, she doesn't know what day of the week it is. Either that or she's just immature. But I hope she doesn't look back one day and realise that she had the platform of a lifetime and she used it to boast about smoking spliffs and not to save young girl's lives. That's quite a regret and not one I'd like to face in the mirror one day.
Ray Winstone. Not as good as Danny Dyer. But then, what is? Why isn't Phil Daniels presenting this award? Is it cos he died in that cut-and-shut on Eastenders?
So Blur are winning Lifetime Achievement Award. I got the Pointless answer for Blur Top 40 singles on Pointless the other day, Out of Time. I really like Out of Time. I also like The Universal. And Girls and Boys. And To The End. I think that's about it. I saw Superhands in a film the other night (Malice in Wonderland starring Danny Dyer, better than it sounds) and now Damon reminds me of Superhands. I hate Damon Albarn, obviously. Tender is the worst. Stop pacing around. Let Alex James thank cheese, FFS. Without cheese he's NOTHING. NOTHING!
Wrap it up, Damon, FFS. WTF he didn't even let Alex speak. What about the milk cartons? What about Graham Coxon? What about that ginger one? I bet they'll do a medley. Don't let us down, boys/ middle-aged men.
LOL George Michael just showed up, after we misquoted him earlier. Insert Snappy Snaps-outside toilet-smoking spliff joke here. I like George Michael. Not his music, obviously, but I like his devil-may-care attitude. He doesn't seem to give a shit. And I like Freedom by Wham. And Last Christmas, obv.
He's drunk! Is Adele sitting with Ricky Butcher? Well, why not? I could see Adele in Eastenders, giving Bianca a slap. If I still watched it, that is. James Corden just cut Adele's speech short because we've got to hear Girls and Boys. Girls and Boys takes me slap-bang back to the indie disco and being 14 again. I was a teenager for the best era of music ever - grunge (Hole, Smashing Pumpkins) and Britpop (Pulp, Gene etc). To follow that by falling in love with Morrissey and Bright Eyes just seems greedy. No wonder children today have no soul, look what we're feeding them. What do you fucking expect? I'd rather smash a window and nick an iPad than listen to fucking Olly Murs as well.
Holly Willoughby and Louis Spence's dancing was rather amazing. Do you think Graham Coxon is ashamed? Do you think Alex James is plotting his next country fete? Do you think Damon Albarn would rather be collaborating with some African steel band group or an irritating hologram?
Dave Rowntree looks like middle-age has caught up with him faster than the others. If I never hear Song 2 or Beetlebum again it will be too soon. But not as soon as if I ever hear Stuck in the Middle with You again. And yes, I do know that wasn't them.
Parklife just turned up. I wonder how much he gets every time they unearth him to shout over this song. I hope Denise Fox isn't watching telly right now, she'll get a shock. Keep it quiet from Phil Mitchell, too. And Ben.
Graham Coxon looks like he's been taking fashion tips from Jarvis Cocker and the dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards boutique.
I haven't even got a pithy final line. So I'll leave you with this. At least the appalling Jessie J didn't win anything. Maybe by this time next year she'll be a dim and distant memory. We can only hope. Break a leg.
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
The Brit Awards: Live Bile (sorry, blog)
I've reviewed this two years in a row apparently! I have no memory whatsoever of the other two, such was it's amazing impact. Oh well, third time lucky.
I see they've drafted in James Corden to host. Yeah because he's really popular, isn't he? Such a likeable, handsome, popular man. Now where's that little gargoyle he knocks about with? He's obviously dumped him. Shame, they were such a LOVELY couple, I particularly liked their sexist film and homophobic comedy series.
Take That opening the show. Mark can't sing. Why is he doing a David Bowie voice? His hair looks nice though. Still, he's a ratty rat rat. Never forget! Wow, this song is an enormous din. It's almost making me pine for flood flood flood flood flood flood flood. Sample lyric: 'Out on the streets tonight, they're making peas tonight.' This is so rubbish. Hold on, Mark Owen is waving a Union Jack around! I hope the NME are going to call him a racist for the next ten billion years like they did Morrissey.
Ugh, here's our first glance at Corden-blergh (that was almost like a joke Morrissey himself would make it was so bad).
Look at the Brit award. It looks like a dildo. Sorry Vivienne Westwood.
Best British Male. My pick would be Patrick Wolf. D'ya think he's gonna win it? Do you? Do you? Ah, Dizzie presenting. I love Dizzie. 'Oliday! Graham from Corrie won- his 'rap name' is based on the American morning after pill. He's been writing some great songs since the butchers collapsed. He's speaking like a chav, too. Graham is thanking his publishing company. Heartfelt.
Shit, I'm watching this half an hour behind and I've almost caught up with the adverts already. Sucky. Don't make me watch Eastenders- I don't care about Heather's money problems. I'm just concerned her coat is clashing with her t-shirt.
Adele next. I saw her on Graham Norton recently and she seemed like a bit of a laugh. I don't like her music, but I think she's good, it's just not for me. I think she has a strong voice, but it's just packaged a bit too blandly for my tastes.
The atmosphere looks horrible there, is it at the O2? It's just loads of pricks sitting round tables. The O2 has all the atmosphere of an aircraft hangar, and believe me, I know- I saw Coldplay there.
Fucking hell, Mumford and Sons! I know nothing about them except their hideous name, and my friend is always taking the piss out of them. Ah, now I know the lead singer is fat, too.
Look at all that booze on the table in front of Justin Beiber! I've never been anywhere where there was a giant bucket of booze on the table like that. It looks great. I hope they got him some apple sours, if not, my friend JOTV might still have half a bottle (sorry John) ;)
Is Fearne preggers? She doesn't look her usual twiggy self. British Breakthrough: I don't know much about Tinie Tempah but except he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. Oh and he's religious. I felt like I was at an American awards show for a minute there when God was thanked for his contribution. What did God contribute, anyway? A heavenly thumbs up? Divine inspiration?
Best International album. Well it's obviously The People's Key but it only came out Monday. Recovery by Eminem is an OK album, but I've barely listened to it since I got it, tbh. The highlight was really the horror corridor, and that's about it. Arcade Fire won. I haven't heard that album. I like Power Out and No Cars Go and Rebellion and that's about it. I liked their geeky speech. They're like a cult, I could see them going a bit David Koresh.
UGH to James Corden's SEXIST introduction to Rhianna, where he invited men to jack off to her. Fucking knobhead. Believe it or not she's a sentient human being and a massive popstar, not just a fucking thing for you to wank to, you prick. This song she's singing reminds me of BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK because it's just unbearably shrill. MEDLEY. Ah, is this the bondage one now? 'Sex in the air, I love the smell of it'? Delightful. Her S&M dancemove looked a bit tragic, bless her. Where's all the pastel coloured bondage gear? Oh, she's getting sued, isn't she? She doesn't look very sexy in that grannyish body suit. Cancel the masturbation! I like this third song in her medley best, it's catchier.
Adverts for Justin Beiber and Rhianna! What a coincidence.
And the Exitainment awards for best hair go to: I quite like Ellie Goulding's pink rinse. Critic's choice: Jessie J. I dont know who that is, but she has lovely shiny black hair. It's gleaming!
Oh god, they're trying to push this Mumford and Sons shit on us again. They can't be English, look at them. Oh, christ, it's another cult band. No, you can't have sex with the children! NEXT!
Did someone forget to write any jokes for Corden? Russell Brand must be spinning in his marital bed. He knows how to present an awards show (sort of).
Best International Male. Ceelo Green? Who the fuck is that? I'm out of touch.
Stop telling me to buy stuff off Itunes, Corden. Ahh, Alan Carr. A real star. Why didn't they get him to present instead, he made me laugh in his first sentence. Fuck me, Olly Murs just got nominated for something. They are really raising that bar high.
Time lapse: Some of the people above I wasn't interested in just won other awards.
Ah, Graham from Corrie is doing a turn now. There's not much variety on this show, is there? We already got Eminem, do we need an Eminem who sings like a laydee? This thing with him singing like he's in court is fucking pathetic. Did you run over David Platt again, Graham? Ah, maybe Tina can bake you a cake with a file in it. Why doesn't Corden make a derogatory joke about this shambles? We know why, though, don't we, folks? Ah, Graham's got his Misfits jumpsuit on now. And Take That's riot police! Were they on a buy-one-get-one-free from the fancy dress shop?
Eek, there's a little rat running round on stage. Oh, sorry, it's Avril Lavigne, everyone's least favourite child-divorcee. Will Young- you still around? We got Olly Murs, we don't need you now. And we don't need him either. Time to go to the great Syco popstar crusher in the sky. Hurry along, now.
I cant actually look at Justin Beiber.
Ah, Boy George. You could have been a great Celeb BB contestant.
Laura Marling is alright but a bit boring. I like my singer/songwriters to have a bit more growl. She looked at the wrong camera when she gave her speech.
Oh God, not more Arcade Fire, fuck me. Are they gonna do a medley? They should. 'I woke up with the power out... hiding from your brothers, underneath the covers.' The end.
Mark Ronson: you fucking tosser.
Ah, I wondered when Princess Cheryl would make an appearance. Haven't we shipped her off to the USA yet? Looking at what they've done to Russell Brand she's going to come back talking like Dame Judy Dench. Here's an idea; just stay there instead.
I like Rhianna's dress with the roses. It does look like she's getting married, though. I could get married in that dress. Rhianna, tell James Corden to go stick it up his arse. Now he's dissing the dress. I like that dress!
Oh God, we gotta watch T. Tempah perform now too? I won't! I won't do it! I'll take Heather instead, I'll take Ronnie, I'll even take Auntie Kim. Fuck it!
Best British Group. Do you still care? I choose Placebo. They're British aren't they! *snort*
Ah, apparently Take That are better. I liked Robbie's wife screaming with excitement and Robbie not bothering to hug her. What a cunt that man is. I won't rest until I see his head on a spike.
Robbie seems to think going 'Shabba!' is funny. My friend Dominic used to think that was funny when we worked at Pathmeads Housing Association ten years ago. It wasn't.
THEY JUST KEEP MENTIONING THE SAME FUCKING ACTS. BORING.
Graham from Corrie is trying to justify being a sellout. Just be a glorious sellout like Dizzie Rascal, FFS. He's loving it! You're not going to change any minds by acting like a churlish schoolboy. You're a sellout- get over it and enjoy the lovely cash mountain.
Last award of the night: album of the year. Who's won it? Some cunt we've already seen up there 10 times already, I bet you.
OMG Mumford and Sons are British! Why are they all dressed like Mormons?! They look like they're in fancy dress. Ha, they had to get told off by James Corden for meandering around so much and taking too long. Quick, get the costumes back before the fancy dress shops shut. Run along now.
And the show ended with Ceelo Green, which I'm not even sure I'm spelling right. But I know one thing. It's shit.
LOL I just searched for my last two Brit Awards blogs (here and here if you're really insane) and not only were they better, I made at least three of the same jokes/observations I made here in them. And one of them was from 2008, I must have actually gone out in 2009.
The result of this research? Maybe MY time is up too? Oh, tastemakers, give me another chance. I'll do better next time, mummy.
I see they've drafted in James Corden to host. Yeah because he's really popular, isn't he? Such a likeable, handsome, popular man. Now where's that little gargoyle he knocks about with? He's obviously dumped him. Shame, they were such a LOVELY couple, I particularly liked their sexist film and homophobic comedy series.
Take That opening the show. Mark can't sing. Why is he doing a David Bowie voice? His hair looks nice though. Still, he's a ratty rat rat. Never forget! Wow, this song is an enormous din. It's almost making me pine for flood flood flood flood flood flood flood. Sample lyric: 'Out on the streets tonight, they're making peas tonight.' This is so rubbish. Hold on, Mark Owen is waving a Union Jack around! I hope the NME are going to call him a racist for the next ten billion years like they did Morrissey.
Ugh, here's our first glance at Corden-blergh (that was almost like a joke Morrissey himself would make it was so bad).
Look at the Brit award. It looks like a dildo. Sorry Vivienne Westwood.
Best British Male. My pick would be Patrick Wolf. D'ya think he's gonna win it? Do you? Do you? Ah, Dizzie presenting. I love Dizzie. 'Oliday! Graham from Corrie won- his 'rap name' is based on the American morning after pill. He's been writing some great songs since the butchers collapsed. He's speaking like a chav, too. Graham is thanking his publishing company. Heartfelt.
Shit, I'm watching this half an hour behind and I've almost caught up with the adverts already. Sucky. Don't make me watch Eastenders- I don't care about Heather's money problems. I'm just concerned her coat is clashing with her t-shirt.
Adele next. I saw her on Graham Norton recently and she seemed like a bit of a laugh. I don't like her music, but I think she's good, it's just not for me. I think she has a strong voice, but it's just packaged a bit too blandly for my tastes.
The atmosphere looks horrible there, is it at the O2? It's just loads of pricks sitting round tables. The O2 has all the atmosphere of an aircraft hangar, and believe me, I know- I saw Coldplay there.
Fucking hell, Mumford and Sons! I know nothing about them except their hideous name, and my friend is always taking the piss out of them. Ah, now I know the lead singer is fat, too.
Look at all that booze on the table in front of Justin Beiber! I've never been anywhere where there was a giant bucket of booze on the table like that. It looks great. I hope they got him some apple sours, if not, my friend JOTV might still have half a bottle (sorry John) ;)
Is Fearne preggers? She doesn't look her usual twiggy self. British Breakthrough: I don't know much about Tinie Tempah but except he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. Oh and he's religious. I felt like I was at an American awards show for a minute there when God was thanked for his contribution. What did God contribute, anyway? A heavenly thumbs up? Divine inspiration?
Best International album. Well it's obviously The People's Key but it only came out Monday. Recovery by Eminem is an OK album, but I've barely listened to it since I got it, tbh. The highlight was really the horror corridor, and that's about it. Arcade Fire won. I haven't heard that album. I like Power Out and No Cars Go and Rebellion and that's about it. I liked their geeky speech. They're like a cult, I could see them going a bit David Koresh.
UGH to James Corden's SEXIST introduction to Rhianna, where he invited men to jack off to her. Fucking knobhead. Believe it or not she's a sentient human being and a massive popstar, not just a fucking thing for you to wank to, you prick. This song she's singing reminds me of BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK because it's just unbearably shrill. MEDLEY. Ah, is this the bondage one now? 'Sex in the air, I love the smell of it'? Delightful. Her S&M dancemove looked a bit tragic, bless her. Where's all the pastel coloured bondage gear? Oh, she's getting sued, isn't she? She doesn't look very sexy in that grannyish body suit. Cancel the masturbation! I like this third song in her medley best, it's catchier.
Adverts for Justin Beiber and Rhianna! What a coincidence.
And the Exitainment awards for best hair go to: I quite like Ellie Goulding's pink rinse. Critic's choice: Jessie J. I dont know who that is, but she has lovely shiny black hair. It's gleaming!
Oh god, they're trying to push this Mumford and Sons shit on us again. They can't be English, look at them. Oh, christ, it's another cult band. No, you can't have sex with the children! NEXT!
Did someone forget to write any jokes for Corden? Russell Brand must be spinning in his marital bed. He knows how to present an awards show (sort of).
Best International Male. Ceelo Green? Who the fuck is that? I'm out of touch.
Stop telling me to buy stuff off Itunes, Corden. Ahh, Alan Carr. A real star. Why didn't they get him to present instead, he made me laugh in his first sentence. Fuck me, Olly Murs just got nominated for something. They are really raising that bar high.
Time lapse: Some of the people above I wasn't interested in just won other awards.
Ah, Graham from Corrie is doing a turn now. There's not much variety on this show, is there? We already got Eminem, do we need an Eminem who sings like a laydee? This thing with him singing like he's in court is fucking pathetic. Did you run over David Platt again, Graham? Ah, maybe Tina can bake you a cake with a file in it. Why doesn't Corden make a derogatory joke about this shambles? We know why, though, don't we, folks? Ah, Graham's got his Misfits jumpsuit on now. And Take That's riot police! Were they on a buy-one-get-one-free from the fancy dress shop?
Eek, there's a little rat running round on stage. Oh, sorry, it's Avril Lavigne, everyone's least favourite child-divorcee. Will Young- you still around? We got Olly Murs, we don't need you now. And we don't need him either. Time to go to the great Syco popstar crusher in the sky. Hurry along, now.
I cant actually look at Justin Beiber.
Ah, Boy George. You could have been a great Celeb BB contestant.
Laura Marling is alright but a bit boring. I like my singer/songwriters to have a bit more growl. She looked at the wrong camera when she gave her speech.
Oh God, not more Arcade Fire, fuck me. Are they gonna do a medley? They should. 'I woke up with the power out... hiding from your brothers, underneath the covers.' The end.
Mark Ronson: you fucking tosser.
Ah, I wondered when Princess Cheryl would make an appearance. Haven't we shipped her off to the USA yet? Looking at what they've done to Russell Brand she's going to come back talking like Dame Judy Dench. Here's an idea; just stay there instead.
I like Rhianna's dress with the roses. It does look like she's getting married, though. I could get married in that dress. Rhianna, tell James Corden to go stick it up his arse. Now he's dissing the dress. I like that dress!
Oh God, we gotta watch T. Tempah perform now too? I won't! I won't do it! I'll take Heather instead, I'll take Ronnie, I'll even take Auntie Kim. Fuck it!
Best British Group. Do you still care? I choose Placebo. They're British aren't they! *snort*
Ah, apparently Take That are better. I liked Robbie's wife screaming with excitement and Robbie not bothering to hug her. What a cunt that man is. I won't rest until I see his head on a spike.
Robbie seems to think going 'Shabba!' is funny. My friend Dominic used to think that was funny when we worked at Pathmeads Housing Association ten years ago. It wasn't.
THEY JUST KEEP MENTIONING THE SAME FUCKING ACTS. BORING.
Graham from Corrie is trying to justify being a sellout. Just be a glorious sellout like Dizzie Rascal, FFS. He's loving it! You're not going to change any minds by acting like a churlish schoolboy. You're a sellout- get over it and enjoy the lovely cash mountain.
Last award of the night: album of the year. Who's won it? Some cunt we've already seen up there 10 times already, I bet you.
OMG Mumford and Sons are British! Why are they all dressed like Mormons?! They look like they're in fancy dress. Ha, they had to get told off by James Corden for meandering around so much and taking too long. Quick, get the costumes back before the fancy dress shops shut. Run along now.
And the show ended with Ceelo Green, which I'm not even sure I'm spelling right. But I know one thing. It's shit.
LOL I just searched for my last two Brit Awards blogs (here and here if you're really insane) and not only were they better, I made at least three of the same jokes/observations I made here in them. And one of them was from 2008, I must have actually gone out in 2009.
The result of this research? Maybe MY time is up too? Oh, tastemakers, give me another chance. I'll do better next time, mummy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)