I should be at the pictures right now celebrating my boyfriends birthday but instead I'm coughing up phlegm. Yum! That's pretty shit but then further torture beckons in the form of the Brit awards. Oh Jarvis, how we miss you.
Yegads! Mika kicked of the show with a MEDLEY and the skinniest legs ever. I'm entirely unconvinced by his act. He doesn't look like he enjoys his own music (and why would he?). Bizarrely he was joined by a very pink Beth Ditto and they then sang Standing in The Way Of Control. God I love a medley. But only when it's someone good. Oh no, good people don't do medleys. Scrap that.
They obviously decided Ozzy wasn't fit to present so they roped Jack and Kelly in to help Sharon. Sharon was ridiculously over enthusiastic throughout.
Best Live Act... Take That apparently better than Muse. OK.
Rhianna and the Klaxons! Woo! How ironic! What a mash up of cultures. I'd love to tell you what it was like but I decided to listen to a bit of I Was a Cub Scout instead. I love his lazy way of singing. Oh fucking hell, it's Umbrella again. Get a new trick, pony. She looks ten foot tall. Is she on stilts? Is she shagging Josh Hartnett? Lucky BITCH! Nice lasers though. I miss lasers. Those were the days.
Fearne Cotton- fuck off! We got rid of Cat 'stroke victim' Deeley- you're next! It annoyed me when she called Beth Ditto 'gorgeous' too. Like she'd swap.
Product placement: an advert for Kylie's perfume. Subtle.
Will 'chinny' Young presented an award to Adele (yeah, another one of those dull singer songwriter bints). He was struggling to read off his card. Adele said in a magazine that she was the same dress size as me. If that's true, I need my fucking jaw wired RIGHT NOW. (sorry, that's very anti-women of me- but I've been driven to it by this inanity!) Jonathan Rhys Myers was presented an award with a proper gurn on. To Mika. Next we had a performance by Kylie 'botox' Minogue. Someone should really tell her that someone stapled her eyebrow on too high. She appeared to be dancing with some Asda-brand Daft Punk. Except Daft Punk wouldn't touch her with a bargepole. Oh and miming. Shitly. She's looking almost as past it as Madonna.
Zzzzzz. Sorry fell asleep there for a minute. Mark Ronson won best british male solo artist. Is he even british? I thought he was an American brand of tosser. He came on with a prepared speech! Drop dead you Morrissey-murdering prick. No, really. Urgh, I hate trumpets! Fuck off. Mute! Later he did an awful MEDLEY with all those awful young people you're meant to like but just want to chuck in a pit like they were pigs with foot and mouth. Oh Marky Mark, you're not fit to wipe Morrissey's arse. You look like a dick with that guitar with two fret boards! Do you have three arms? Knob-end!
Kaiser Chiefs! Bet they do a medley. I can't bear to listen though. Leona Lewis- fabulous dress, beautiful, great voice, shame about the personality.
'The Drummer' won best international group (and best album). I love it when Courtney calls him that.
Kate Nash jointly won best stilted singing voice/ Lily Allen bandwagon hopper. And best female. It should've been Emmy The Great! Arctic Monkeys= cocky little shits. Oh and high as kites.
Winehouse does not interest me in any way shape or form. I don't like fake American accent singing voices. I don't like crackheads. She looked less spangled than normal but I wouldn't say entirely sober.
I don't think Sharon quite 'got' Vic Reeves trying to be funny. But then he wasn't that funny. I blame the wife! she sucked the life out of him. There's no going back, he's a husk.
And after not one good act all night, insult gets piled on top of injury, as Paul 'two thumbs up' Mcartney wins the award for Thickest Most Miserable Old Man. That 'Dance The Night Away' song: absolute genius. What a legend. What a hero. What a cunt.