The Voice: Giving it both battles

Was out last night so missed the battle rounds- catching up on it now though. Ah they've let Holly and Reggie out of the dungeon. That must be nice for them. I don't mind Reggie that much now, I think Fearne Cotton was dragging him down previously. Don't get me wrong, he's still dull as dishwater.
Just when you thought things couldn't get anymore Welsh, Tom Jones has drafted in Cerys Matthews to help him. What's she going to advise, go on a rubbish reality show and get off with a dead-in-the-water soap star? Road raaaaaaaaaaage!
I'm every woman - spare us, Wills. Even Whitney's had enough of this one. I think the black girl is better by an inch but they were both good. Will someone tell Jessie to stop bobbing her head and singing along. It's like when the guitarist sings when he's not supposed to. Cringeworthy. These two second boys sound really similar. I think the one without the hat who looks like dannii minogue's ex has the edge but they're both pretty good. They're putting on a good performance, too. oh they sent my one home. Boo.
I'm finding it hard to judge who's better in this Tom Jones/Elvis shout off because I don't like Tom Jones, Elvis or shouting. Same goes for the next song that the bald girl sang. It just sounds like a fucking racket. Uh oh they've pitched Bo against Morgan Spurlock. She's gotta win!!! He's so overdone. She's beautiful. Do the right thing, Danny. Bo is something special. I'm actually nervous! Yes! He chose Bo. I'm so happy. She has real talent - I just love her.
So we're giving Chris Brown the BBC seal of approval by forcing the acts (against their will) to sing one of his blood-spattered dance numbers. I'm guessing the guy who threw his toys out of the pram will be going home. I see Jessie J is singing along her support of domestic violence. I better not ever see that bitch calling herself a feminist. Fucking thicko.
I though the two who did Rhianna would be better than they were. I think it's a bit style over substance there.
Sorry I got some dinner at that point so lost it a bit but heard 'soul on a pole'. I don't get the fuss about those two but it could be because I cant stand Heard it through the Grapevine. I'd rather listen to the sound of my own throat being cut and listening to the blood dribble out and my last raspy choking breaths.
OK, onto tonight's show. This turgid version of Beat It has got Jessie J's tasteless fingers all over it. Couldn't care less who won that one. This Lady Gaga song is too shrill.
Oh fucking hell, it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. This one with the glasses is singing with a faux American accent. I'm surprised Jessie J isn't the mentor. My boyfriend just walked in and said, 'What's this, a noteless off?' It does sound flat, but I can't work out which one is flat. Oh, the other one has a much nicer voice. She deserved to go through.
This Emmy girl is being a bit cocky... she'll probably go home. Stop intimidating Chris Fountain/Deano from Eastenders. Boyfriend: 'what is this, Cunt Academy?' I think he's been working on that one in the kitchen.
Chris Fountain looks like a rabbit in the headlights. It looks like someone's just dragged him in off the street. He's giving up on notes halfway through, not 'giving each note it's due respect' as some idiot said earlier. Bo Bruce is going to eat everyone in this category alive. That girl pulled a screwface when Jessie J said about the kiss and looked smug when Danny said she was further down the line. She looked proper sour when she got sent home. Serves her right. Having said that I can't believe they did put Alex through, he was fucking useless.
Peewee Herman is now doing 'I want to dance with somebody.' Why? Nobody knows. This is U-Glee. They seemed to only sing for about 10 seconds. Did they have to edit the acts down to make room for all Jessie J's posturing and wiffle-waffle.
My boyfriend just said of the male half of this appalling couple, 'Is that Justin Lee Collins fused with Wagbo?' I think he should write this blog for me. Especially today, as I've spent at least 5% of the day puking my guts up. Wagbo and co plus other old woman was rubbish. Next!
OMG I hate this Kids song soooooo much! It's completely tuneless. Robbie Williams and Kylie combined: smug central. I hope she goes through. It seems like this show has been chopped to bits tonight. They're not editing it very well at all.
My boyfriend on Jessie J: 'The only have one woman on the panel so why did they pick the most uninteresting one on the planet? Stop wiggling your shoulders and fuck off and die.' She seems to rub him up the wrong way, a little. I can't imagine why.
Indie and Pixie were giving the other girl the stink-eye when she was singing really well. I thought they were a bit off last time so they'd better be careful. Becky is much, much better than them. I like her voice. The others are off and they look cross. I liked Becky's screwed up face when Jessie was making her decision.
Yay, so glad she won over the Heathers.
The guy is better than the girl singing this Kings of Leon song. He's got a funny neck, though.
Oh, lawks this next two are going to do Firework. Even Katy Perry can't sing this fucker. They both sound off. This song is really hard to sing. I tried it on karaoke. Has anyone on earth ever sang this song on key? It's like aural torture. I bet Russell Brand is glad he doesn't have to pretend to like it anymore.
I don't think anyone should take on Kelly Jones's raspy old voice. It's the only thing the little Welsh prick has got going for him. I'm all Voiced out now. I watched two episodes of The Voice US today, too. Christina and her acrylic hair and the lovely Cee Lo makes me pine for better judges. Even the buffoonery of Adam Levine is more fun than William's nonsense speak.
Battle, battle, battle! Bo Bruce FTW. You know it makes sense.

The Voice UK: Push the button. Don't push the button.

The amazing Bo Bruce is going to be on The Voice tonight so I'm very excited. I have followed her since she was on Orange Unsigned (and would have won had it not been for Tommy, who was also excellent). I even interviewed some of the acts on it for my blogs, but my interview technique was terrible and I don't think she got back to me, but she bigs up my blog and chats to me on Twitter once in blue moon. I never knew she was a Lady until I saw it in the Mail today. Well fuck your inverse snobbery. She's fucking ace. If she doesn't win it I'd be amazed.
First girl on was good. I think I might be starting to fancy The Script a bit. Wasn't Willy wearing that jacket last week? Maybe he's still got it on loan from the fancy dress shop.
I'm at my mums and they just told me they got their dog drunk on whiskey the other week and are now giving the other dog some of my cava out of an ashtray. Is this a matter for the RSPCA? More shockingly my mum and her boyfriend told me they LIKE Will*I*am. What is there to like? Is it his sparkling personality, his pointless boasting, or his overuse of full stops?
I don't think that second guy was much good. They let better people than that go last week. This third girl wasn't much good either. Has someone just died? They all look like they're grieving.
This next girl looks like Chantelle Houghton after a couple too many biccies (ie. a normal sized person). She's got the best voice so far and she's cute.
Tom Jones: 'I'm a married man' - that doesn't normally stop you, you randy old pervert.
'No sob stories in The Voice' said Jessie J. Maybe a dead brother doesn't count? I like the name Cassius but it might just be because of that song.
My mum said The Script is like an 'ugly looking version of Peter Andre.' That's quite insulting. You can see where I get it from.
The bickering between the judges is not as good as it is on the American version. I miss Adam Levine's begging, Christina's cleavage and Cee lo stroking his cat. I forget what the other one does except shamelessly plug his wife every week.
Now I can't stop thinking about Peter Andre. Scrap that thing I said about fancying Danny.
This girl from Wales is cute and she had a really good voice. She reminds me off one I like off America's Next Top Model. No one likes this little fat bloke and they can't even see him. Jessie J's twaddle of the week: 'your lips aren't hugely clean.' You talk fucking bullshit.
They are obviously leaving Bo until last as she's the best (I am biased). I wonder who'll she'll pick?
The guy who did Plan B was good.
I liked the girl who said her mum thought she was overweight, it was quite cute. Willy is playing the mum card. And it worked. Sly old dog. I wonder how old William is, he seems kind of ageless and alien like he could be 30 or 1000.
Random mum comment: 'I don't like dresses at all. I think they're horrible things. I've never worn a dress.' I'm sitting here wearing a dress. And I've seen her in a wedding dress, at the very least.
I thought the girl who did Adele was good enough to go through. She just shouldn't have sung that Adele song as it just draws comparisons. Aw, she was sweet.
Justin Lee Collins (psoriasis™) appears to be auditioning next. Ooh he's doing Bon Jovi. Very current. My mum fancies him. His voice was good. No one turned. Rock off.
Amy Winehouse's friend looks like he's been modelling his hair on hers. Sitting on the dock of the bay is like a Olly Murs crab-pinched-my-feet type song. I wish no one had picked him. My mum is particularly unhappy about all the brown trousers people are wearing. She's quite the fashion critic tonight.
Tom Jones, I think you've dropped something. Oh yeah, there it is, another name of some dead or irrelevant person.
Bo was really good. I love listening to her voice so much. Jessie J has got a cheek saying anything about Bo's vocal power, whose voice is about 10 million times better than hers. She's got more passion in her little finger than that stage-school brat. It just proves how thick JJ is by not turning round. I want Bo to win because I really want to buy her album! Plus she might let me write her autobiography, you never know. Bo, give me a call, you've got a phone, don't you? ;)

The Voice UK: I'm going to make you sang

Why the fuck am I bothering to watch this again? And more pertinently, why am I blogging it at 2am? The first contestant was quite good, he sung a proper chirpy little song, but I didn't think his voice was that good.
The way Wills sits there in that throne he reminds me of one of those boring ones in Star Wars that sit round talking about what biscuits they need on the Death Star to appease the Emporor.
My TV is strobing like an epileptic lava lamp. Perhaps I should by one that isn't circa 1987.
Tom Jones sleazily picked Barbara Streisand. It's like the judges are having an odium-off tonight. I literally don't know which one to despise first.
Some joker came on and was forced to do a Script song so at least I've actually heard one now. And I actually know it! Still it's no Sex Bomb, is it. My boyfriend told me the Eurythmics have a song called Sex Crime (which I didn't believe) and ever since we've been singing 'sex crime, sex crime, you're my sex crime.' I need to check out those lyrics, I bet they're amazing.
Wee Willy Winkie is like a little owl peeking out of a nook and/ or cranny, peering over his zany spectacles and promising that by this time next year he'll have your face painted on the side of moon and gigs lined up for you from everywhere to the Central African Republic to Kazikstan and the Grenadines.
It's soooooo cringy when the judges sing along. I feel embarrassed for Jessie J, she acts like she's about 14 and she's just drunk her first bottle of Hooch. She's one of those people who if you were friends with her you'd never go round her house because it would be full of toadying twats in pork pie hats and girls talking about organic muesli and pilaties whilst mainlining cocaine and talking drivel.
Son of a Preacher man girl can fuck off, too. She was quite ungracious in defeat, too. Yeah, get back on that horse and trot along.
The next contestant is passing himself off as 'crazy' because he's dressed like a teen Billy Idol. I didnt even know it was Like a Virgin he was singing. He gave it the full Darius treatment. I think this dipshit is going to go with Willy because they're both accountant types who've decided that wearing jewellery that comes out of those 20p egg machines is 'so hot right now'.
Mr Adams looked like he's just found out he's not got a cut of Fergie's Avon perfume deal when he didn't choose the cheeky opera girl. I love the fact she found out she could sing like that by taking the piss, that's kind of cool.
I wonder what chief Pea chats about with Cheryl Cole when they meet up for a knob-twiddling session? I bet they blow so much smoke up each other's arses about what unique and talented artists' they are, little knowing that aged over 40 you should probably shelve the neon baseball jackets, and that only doing tweets to make nasty little digs at people makes you look like the hateful cow you really are.
They should use that 'sex on fire' song on a cystitis advert. That guy's voice was quite good though. And playing barefoot, too? It's simply GROUNDBREAKING! Whatever next?
Oh God, does the world need another Olly Murs? We've already fucked him off to America, although what the fuck they'd want with him one can only imagine. They obviously haven't heard the one about the crab pinching his feet.
I think Holly Willoughby has been in this show for about 4 seconds so far.
This couple are an interesting mixture. I think they're a bit folky. They're trying to do the Darius treatment on the Beautiful South. I think Jessie J was pleased when she lost the coin toss because she was narked they weren't fussed which one they had.
Oh god, a precoscious 16-year-old goth cheeky girl. Stand out from the crowd? She's obviously never been to Northampton. There's about 10 of her on every corner. I thought she was quite good, though, shame they didn't pick her.
Jessie J can stick her stage-school diction comments up her arse. Diction is not what I want from a song. I want pain, truth and bits I can tunelessly bellow along to, not vocal acrobatics and someone going 'huh'! Tom jones has been doing that 'huh!' bullshit since before the dinosaurs got nuked.
I thought the last two were rubbish. But I do like Scripty dude a bit more now. He seems like you could take him home to your mum. Not sure that's what I want from a popstar, though.
Right, I've done my bit. Off to beddybyes. x

The Voice UK: Your lips are mad clean

'It doesn't matter what you look like or what you wear'. That's lucky with these jokers on the panel. The Voice USA is a triumph. I have a feeling this is going to be an embarrassment. The BBC don't do this type of show well. Although I liked Fame Academy. Specifically Ainslie.
Four of the biggest names in music? I don't even know what one of these people is called. 'Danny O Donna-who?' said my boyfriend. I predict that joke will have been done approximately 4843874387387282137 times on Twitter by the time I post this blog. I don't look at Twitter whilst I do my blogs, btw, mainly because I don't watch shows live. But also because I can think of my own bad jokes. Well, either me or the boyfriend can.
I am really appalled by choice of judges for this show. Three men and only one woman: well, goes without saying. Hateful sexist scumbag Tom Jones - who sleeps with women other than his wife and just expects her to put up with it - is so out of touch that I doubt if he could tell Rhianna from a wrist watch. Jessie J is so insincere she makes Fearne Cotton look friendly, and her music is pure piffle. I'd like to comment on DOD from the Script but I know nothing about him. I can only assume they got him cheap as fuck.
Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb. If he's a sex bomb, I'm painting myself with Kevlar and hiding in Obama's suitcase. And even then, I'm scared. Can you imagine him waving it at you, all orange with those grey pubes. Sorry, I just vomited in my lap.
I've got a feeling! That tonight's gonna be a good night. When will they learn with this fucking song? Frankie Cocozza should have put that fucker to bed long ago. Why aren't they singing one of The Script's ditties? OMG this is proper embarassing. I reckon Will Young refused to sing this song and was thrown from the panel straight onto the Question Time set.
Every time Jessie J speaks my boyfriend goes 'huh!' because she always does it in her turgid songs. Huh!
Don't know why Reggie Yates is on this show. Holly could do it easily on her own. Oh God, it's like when Pointless first started and they had to explain the rules 10 billion times over. It's not that difficult. They've got their backs to the acts. They press the button if they like the Voice. End of, as Saskia from Big Brother would have said. God, my references are more out of date than Tom Jones's.
Imagine being patronised by Jessie J. On TV. They should put up Samaritans number at the end, the humiliation is so great. I'd rather be spat on by Cher Lloyd or hit on by Kirk Norcross.
I always imagine an American person watching the UK versions of their shows and crying with laughter. London Ink, for example. Honestly, we haven't got a clue. Endemol shows should be all about sex and drama and twists and fakery. This is just a bunch of old farts sitting in chairs. I can see that in my own living room, even when the TV's broken.
The best bit about the US version is all the judges gurning at each other. They have quite good chemistry, too. Christina is a drunken mess and charming, Cee Lo is a big cuddly bear, and even that twat from Maroon 5 is entertaining because he's such a doofus. The country one isn't worth mentioning as you haven't heard of him and I suspect he can't remember his own name.
The first contender is doing a Jessie J song. She's not going 'huh!' though. Huh fail.
Will.i.am is annoying because you have to write those dots in his name. Every journalist on the planet must despise him for that. I shall just go the Daily Mail route and call him Mr. Adams instead. That's not the ONLY reason Mr Adams is annoying, though. He's got an annoying face. His eyes are a bit far apart. He wears annoyingly bright clothes. He's mates with the hateful Cheryl Cole. He helped make Fergie and her appalling 'humps' famous.
What songs is Tom Jones gonna give people to sing? Some Catatonia bullshit? Who on earth is going to pick this Script dude? What contacts does he have? He doesn't even have enough nous to make HIMSELF famous! Scrapt!
Bloke from Five: still shit.
I like the contestant named 'Samuel Buttery'. What a fantastic name. Do you think his mum's called 'Utterly'? He's got the best voice so far. I wonder why no one else turned around except for that disgusting toad-faced Welsh sex-creep? I'd hate having to cow-tow to that disgusting leery old pig.
My TV is strobing and it's doing my fucking head in. I'm going to put my foot through it in a second. As if this isn't torture enough? My TV strobes during Pointless, too, all the license paying channels. Thank fuck I gave up watching Eastenders. Don't come round mine if you're an epileptic.
Alopecia times! I thought Jessie J said it wasn't all about the sob stories. Mind you, she said it wasn't about the money, money, money, either. That contestant looks better with her scarf off. Some people suit a bald head. Surely Jessie J is wearing a wig, anyway? What... that's her real hair? Mentalz.
Push the button... don't push the button. I love all the gimmicks. I like the thrones. Where the fuck is Holly Willoughby?
That guy who did Oasis was dull as fuck. Mr. Adams has 'cats he hangs out with at home that live and eat music.' Mine live and eat Hi-Life tuna and salmon.
Tom Jones, stop name-dropping, you're worse than Courtney Love and Michael Masden combined. I don't think Master Adams can really use Michael Jackson as a successful case-study of his career highlights.
Jessie J mouthing the words to 'Come Together'. Fab Macca must be proud. This contestant isn't bad looking. Insert 'come together' joke here. He's got an amp, a guitar. Must be a real musician, then.
Has anyone picked DOD from the Script yet? Ooh, this guy just did. Sucker. DOD can't even name drop Louis Walsh, and he's Irish.
I like Mr Adam's comfy place in hell analogy 'next to a hot rock'. Is these the pearls of wisdom he's guiding Tweedy's career with? Just as good as being on X Factor USA with Simon Cowell, right?
This guy doing Elton John has a good voice. He's super camp. Did Jessie J just say, 'Your lips are mad clean'? What the fuck does THAT mean? She's making me pine for Tulisa's banal commentary. FYI I prefer the blonde, fun blow-jobby Tulisa to the stick-up-her-arse dressed-20-years-too-old-for-her-age Tulisa on X Factor. God, I hope Jessie J doesn't have a sex tape. HUH! Can you imagine a Tom Jones sex tape. Huh... huh... huh.... bluh!
This person called Twinilee is pretty. She looks like a model. Shit, I thought she was good. I'm surprised no one turned for her. That guy who did Train was quite good, too. Ones I like never go through.
Judges really need to work on their gurning. I also don't like the stupid subtitles when they do their chatter and fake button pushing.
I like this last girl's t-shirt. She's doing Jessie J; note the 'huh's! What a horrible song. She has got a good voice, though. Good legs, too. I think she's going to pick Monsieur Adamz. Jessie J's got screw-face. Mind you, it's quite hard to tell the difference from usual. She's got a face like a paving slab.
To be fair: this show wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be a car crash, but it was reasonably slick. The hosts seemed like they were hidden in a cupboard and even the disgusting Jones didn't make my skin crawl as much as expected. I'll give it another coupla weeks.
I'm going to try watching BGT but I can't face blogging it. Walliams is a good choice for a judge but it makes me angry that Simon will preside over that old crap but won't drag his man-tits over here for the UK X Factor. He's a lot better at picking singers than grannies with dancing dogs. He's wasted on this show. Come home, Simon. I miss your grinchly ways.
Right, I think that's my word count for the night sorted. Have a good one.