The Voice: Live shows

Hello! I've been a big blog-dry lately but with Big Brother on next week, I thought it was time to get back in the saddle. So these are the live shows? What was the rest of it? I've actually been enjoying The Voice in a very much brain-off sort of a way. The shows are too long, though. And I'd probably enjoy this show more if they hadn't ditched the people I liked pretty much every single round.
Jessie J's bald head suits her, which is surprising as she's got a face like a shovel. Jessie J really reminds me of a dying Jade Goody lately, and the bald head isn't helping. RIP.
Holly's gone for strapless, which is brave. I don't think curvy girls can do strapless, but I'd hate to comment on all the WOMEN'S appearances without slagging off the men. Trouble is, the men are so boring in their appearances that they're barely worth mentioning. What is Reggie doing there again? At least for once it's a man in an utterly pointless supporting role.
I like this Matt guy who looks a bit like will.i.am (no he DOES, I'm not being racist). I like his clothes and he appears to have some real talent. Why are they putting him on first?! Dear Lord, what is this song they've give him? Dreadful. It's like something the Lion King, except not catchy. The song choices have been awful for weeks. They were meant to be able to choose their own songs last week, and the judges just railroaded them into picking the songs they wanted, or just wouldn't put them through to spite them. Tom Jones: 'he kicked it.' Kicked what? The bucket? It was duff, let's just admit it. Jessie J did a boo-boo.
Next up: a Welsh person Tom Jones put through. This is news right up there with Louis Walsh putting an Irish person through. They just ask for the passport and the person doesn't even bother having to sing. Oh, no, sorry, he's Jessie's, my mistake. Can't we have a break from looking at Jessie, please?
This is that fat dude. They've put him in a shirt reminiscent of when Violet Beauregarde blows up in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is anyone going to do a song we've heard of? This is like me being a judge and getting my acts to all do obscure early Conor Oberst tracks. Simon Cowell wouldn't let this shit fly.
I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful and she was really good last week. Jessie has given out another dire song, like a slowed-down disco song, and put her in some disgusting shiny leggings. She's never going to get through with a song choice like that. Cruel.
So Jessie gets to put one of her own acts though? Why? Why can't we choose now? Jessie J telling the audience off for enjoying themselves. Typically, she put through the person I like the least, Ash. If she hates something, I'm guaranteed to love it and vice versa.
Next up is team Tom... and Alys. Remember Leanne Mitchell who won last year? Well she's like her. Yet another song I've never heard of. I haven't known one song yet. I mean, I know doing Mariah Carey's Hero is a bit old hat, but could we have something middle ground? Something from the past 15 years that's popular? Tom Jones said 'if Alys does touch you emotionally you need to get your emotions looked at.' Tell it to your wife, bitch. I so LOVE someone going on incessantly about their kids.
Next up is Joseph. I'm really getting bored now. His voice isn't bad. Is he a superstar? No.
Next is Mike, the guy who looks like a rapper but sings country. Wonderful. We don't have country music here! Not a niche that needs filling. Go away. Tom Jones looks like he's nodding off in the old people's home again. Tom put through country dude. Zzzz.
Next up is Andrea... oh, God. Lovely voice, shame about the personality and the hair. Mind you, she is blind, the hair isn't really her fault. Seriously, who is styling her? She always looks like she's about to go to the wedding of someone she doesn't like. Danny is bopping about as if something amazing is happening. It isn't. She has a nice voice. That's it. There's no X Factor here, I'm afraid. To say otherwise is patronising. Well done, Andrea, you chose a song. And Danny will put you through. Next!
Mitchell 'loves rock music'. Last week he sung Lady Ant-whatherface, the one about being drunk and making a booty call. I thought that song was a joke the first time I heard it. He also murdered something else recently but I can't remember what it was. Ah... he's reimaging 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons. I only like 'It's Time' by them. That song is so good and then all their others are a bit blah. Ooh, they've put wub wubs on it. HE'S GOT RIPPED JEANS ON. He must be rock. CASE CLOSED. His hair is too fine to be rock. Danny's gurning is better best forgotten. Holly had to apologise because Mitchell said 'Jesus Christ.' Are we that sensitive? Dear me. He's not 'a rock star'. He's a pub singer.
I still have no clue why this Karl guy got put straight through last week. He's like a fat Ray Quinn. It's like when Arg gets up to sing in TOWIE and I don't even watch that show. He like a sweatier Tommy Duckworth. I like this song and he's RUINING IT! He's putting zero emotion into it. KEY CHANGE. Oh, he's blaming his earpiece for being out of time.
Danny put Andrea though, as I predicted about ten minutes ago. It can't feel good for her to know he's propping her up, I'd rather the public had a say if I were her.
Will's team has the best people; they're more individual. Will is talking gibberish, have his meds kicked in? Leanne aka Chantelle Houghton is good, I like her. She's quite draggy, but there's just something loveable about her. Her performance is super camp; it reminds me of Rylan, but she can sing, too. I don't like the song but at least it's got a bit of drama to it.
Cleo is doing Imagine. Why? It doesn't suit her and it's an awful song. She oversang it. I like her but that was not the right choice for her.
I like Leah, I think she's cute, she reminds me of Shirley Manson. She looks like she should be in Corrie in the 60s. Oh dear Lord, she's doing a slowed down version of I Will Survive, a song that demands to be sung along to. I was singing along to Cake's version in my car earlier. I like her, but Will's song choices were iffy. I hope she DOES survive.
Will is tweeting the person he's putting through. Cos he's an idiot. Oh it's Leah. Cool. Will hasn't quite got this 'being on TV' thing sorted.
That Tyler guy I didn't like last year is back singing an awful song. He looks stoned. Oh and here's the guy who wears horrible vests. We've had Rylan since you, mate, your services aren't required.
Yay, here's Bo Bruce! A person who actually looks like a popstar. Danny is doing a 'blank-what-is-he-thinking' face and singing the words to her song wrong. I'd like to play poker against this guy. He's almost see-through! I REALLY like Bo's album, I've been listening to it loads. Wow, Leanne looks like she's put on about three stone. My boyfriend said she was fat anyway but I didn't remember her looking like Supernanny. Bo blows her out of the water. Oh God, I can't do the results show as well. I just can't. I'm posting this. I'll tweet a comment on the results AS IF YOU CARE.
Come back Big Brother, quick!

Album: Bo Bruce - Before I Sleep

I’m a bit late, but what’s new? I haven’t reviewed an album for AGES, mainly because I’m an old fuddy duddy who listens to the same old shit all the time.

I only just got round to listening to the whole of Bo Bruce’s album and I really enjoyed it. I have been following her since I went along and saw her on ‘X Factor-style show for indie kids’ Orange Unsigned Act– you can read this as ‘I liked her before you did’. She came second to the excellent Tommy Reilly (where’s he now, bless him?) Then of course, I was rooting for her to win The Voice as well. As it turns out, it’s probably a good thing she didn’t. No, definitely a good thing, although it seemed like a real injustice at the time.

The album is probably poppier than I expected, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Bo’s voice is the number one thing you’re listening to, and the songs are really catchy. Wouldn’t it be nice to see this doing well in the charts instead of the usual crap?

I really like opening song Landslide, it could have easily been the first single, too. I like ‘there’s blood on me/ there’s blood on you’ as a lyric. I can well imagine warbling along to this in my car, and having a ‘wooooo’ in your song is never a bad thing. The second song is the single, Save Me. Again, it’s great. I’m glad she’s not come out and done something radically different from her usual style. I suppose it’s not exactly a feminist anthem with the lyrics ‘why would you wake me, when you’re not going to save me?’ but it’s a pop song, so I should stop being such a snob. I like the drum machine kind of sound, the production kind of reminds me of You are the Quarry, and that magical moment when we thought Morrissey was going to be popular again.

The next song Alive continues in a similar vein, this could easily be a single too, it’s all soaring and anthemic. Speed the Fire is really lovely, it’s got xylophones which always makes me think of Bloc Party, and it’s a bit more moody. There’s a man doing back up vocals, I’m just going to look up who it is. I can’t seem to find it, but anyway, he adds a nice tone. This song is the biggest departure from the rest of the album so far.

After a super strong start, the album goes off the boil for three tracks in the middle (a bit like during a Morrissey gig, but make that six tracks). Telescope didn’t do it for me, then Ghost Town definitely felt like an album track, a bit dirgy.  I definitely prefer the poppier songs. I’m also not a great fan of On the Wire. I wish these three tracks had been interlaced with some of the others, especially as the first four songs were so strong. These three just didn’t have a strong enough hook for me.

Luckily, Holding the Light gets the album back on track. It’s quite stripped down, and her voice sounds lush on it. It’s just a lovely ballad, really. Lightkeeper is also good; heavy on the drum machine. ‘Miracles and chemicals’ as a lyric sounds almost Suede-esque. This song kind of reminds me of something off The Killers new album. Bo can easily hold her own amongst the indie boys; and being radio friendly is no bad thing.

The Fall is a bit filler-y again, but is followed by The Hands I Hold, which could easily be another single. Echoes kind of sits in the middle for me, but Golden is a bit more pacey. There are more lyrics about flames – has Bo been in a house fire recently?

How we’re made is really sad, it nearly got me blubbing, but I am a notorious soft touch. It’s just moving and pretty and the way she sings, ‘I just miss you’ is heartbreaking. This is the end of the main album and it’s a strong bow out.

There are three bonus tracks, which is quite generous on top of 14 songs on an album; I appreciate that because I hate it when I get an album and it’s got 10 songs on it, I just think it’s tight.

Bonus track Search the Night continues the sombre tone and the guy is back doing backing vocals. I like hearing a guy doing backing vocals for a woman as it kind of inverts the norm.

I like Another Life and there’s another song called Another Life by a band called NO that I also like. You should check that out. Over & Over (Run with the Horses) is good because one, it’s always good to have brackets in a song title, and two, it sounds a bit housey. Probably the only thing that could have made it better was adding a big of 'clip-clop, banging two horseshoes together' sound effects. 

On the whole, I think this is a great album, and exactly what I would expect from Bo. I liked 14 out of 17 tracks (including the bonus ones on the Deluxe version) which is really good for me. I’m sure I’ll be hammering these in my car alongside all my usual favourites.

I really hope people buy this album, and I hope Bo has a long and successful career. She deserves it.

The Voice: The Final

Well here we are and already I'm hearing the fucking word 'jubilee'. Is there no escape? What has the Voice got to do with the Queen? Cunting bunting! In other news, Holly's come as a dominatrix.
Danny's coming on strong with the sob story already. She doesn't need it. I'm SURE Bo will win it. How could she not?
Uh oh, Bo's on first. Never a good sign as you get forgotten.
Nothing Compares 2 U seems a bit of an obvious choice but I think it was her best performance yet. Her voice sounded the best I'd ever heard it and it make me do a little weep. Even the sight of Danny's ridiculous gurning face couldn't spoil it. Will only had faint praise for her; tactics.
Leanne has a really strong voice but I do think she lacks the personality to be a popstar. There's also a problem with her song choice; ie. her mentor. He just makes her too old fashioned all the time and does the most obvious choices.
Amy Winehouse's corpse is being wheeled out again; honestly this Tyler dude is getting more mileage out of that tragedy than Mitch, and that's saying something..
What is this awful song Tyler Dur-done is singing? I think he's overdoing the falsetto. Nothing about him appeals to me on any level.
Why are the judges all standing up? It's making me feel nervous like they're getting ready to leave.
Vince: 'in the line up of contestants I felt like a little zoo animal.' You look like a contrived little twonk. Oh, he's come out wearing Rita Sullivan's jacket. And PVC leggings. Then Jessie J says he styles himself like a proud mother. He looks like he hasn't got dressed out of a 10p box at a jumble sale and he's off to a go to a gay disco. Man chooses horrible clothes. Give him a lollipop.
Jessie J's 'we saved the best for last.' How can you lie like that? That song barely even had a tune. And he was going 'huh!' in it. I'd never heard it in my life but it sounded like something out of the fucking Lion King. I think it's kamikaze-like to sing a song no one's heard in the final. Oh well, I think Bo is going to get about 50% of the votes by the looks of things.
Duets time should be amusing. Not sure about this Professor Green song! OMG Danny rapping just made me piss myself with laughter. Was that like a dream he had that he thought was a good idea? There are very few white men that can rap. And then there's Danny. I'm not sure if that will help or hinder Bo because I could barely hear her over the sound of my own cackling.
Tom Jones is a bit vain doing his own song; mind you, he's probably too old to learn the lyrics to new things now. I fucking despise all of his music without exception. It's times like this I want to fast forward through time. A completely irrelevant performance; just like Tom himself.
It will be interested to see Will sing as he admitted that he can't. He is doing some flying, though, just as good. So far he's sung 'oh oh oh oh'. This song is fucking horrible. It's making me want to puke, and he sounds out of tune. Will's final 'contribution' to that was going 'brap, brap, brap.' This is a serious car crash. That is the exact song they've got playing in hell.
My boyfriend just described Vince and Jessie J as Pat Butcher and Kat Slater. Danny was a lot more shrewd than Jessie taking Bo busking, rather than her just showing off about playing Wembley.
I think Jessie J has some sort of tourettes when she sings. Huh! Karma! Fuck off. Is this one of her rubbish songs? I hate the way she sings SO MUCH. I just despise everything about her, she's just 100% fake. She's got no heart or soul, she's just a stage school android, a walking cliché. Pinky swear. Nononononononononononono: again, hilarity times.
This Ed Sheeran song is like the musical version of that final tablet they give you in Dignitas just before you do a death rattle. Indie by numbers sung by a schoolboy. 'I can wrap my finger round your thumb?' I'd rather wrap them around your neck, you po-faced little cunt.
RECAP RECAP RECAP!
I'm quite shocked that Vince went out first. I thought he'd be one of the favourites. Still, at least it's one in the eye for Jessie. That's where singing a song no one knows gets you.
Couldn't they have done a new song at the end? Come on FFS, is this an entertainment show or what? Also I thought Coldplay was Bo's worst week. Lazy work by the producers, there. They should of got her to sing her own song Raising Arizona to prove she's not just a karaoke puppet like these others. 
DO NOT let Leanne win. She's got a good voice but they've pigeon-holed her into a corner.
Ah, our last chance to look into Tyler's cold, dead eyes. Another horrid song from him.
William stop standing on his chair like an insolent toddler. Someone should press the revolving button and give him a shock. Now go sit on the naughty step until you've learnt how to behave like a big boy. Did Tyler really sing a Chris Brown song? Fucking disgusting. And on the BBC, too. I'm going to write to Jeremy Vine.
Ah, Adam Levine. I've not had a chance to laugh at him for a good fortnight. I do have a bit of a soft spot for him now, because he's such an unbridled douchebag you can't help admire him for it. Adam's gonna have beef with William for slagging off the winner of The Voice from last year. That was Adam's fucking act! Lols. Moves Like Jagger is always good for a laugh.
Look at that giant fucking Union Jack! Morrissey virtually got exiled for picking one up off a floor.
I'm trying to think of two people I'd rather see less on stage than Jessie J and Tom Jones. I can only think of Robbie Williams and Chris Brown.
This judges medley is bare jokes. William's trying to sing again, bless. P-p-p-p-p-p-price tag! This has literally been like a comedy tonight.
And the result is...
Leanne won! Are you fucking KIDDING me? WTF. That was the worst person possible; what's she going to release, a cover of Unchained Melody? Well at least it means Bo can do her own music with her own label. Danny should sort it out for her. This also means that TOM JONES won. Hang your heads in fucking shame, Britain. 
Why, why, why, why, why? Could it have been because she went first? Or do I just live in a country full of deaf mainstream sheeple? I'm sure the lizards are involved, either way. Fuck this country and the Queen, and the Olympics too. Illuminati, the lot of them. Enjoy your jubilee and your flotilla and your cucumber sandwiches, you sods. THE END!

The Voice: Dope on a rope

Evening all! I'm a bit under the cosh tonight as I'm writing this blog and then dashing off to a Eurovision party, which I'll be blogging as ever. Because what you want after three hours of Eurovision is to relive it all, right?
But anyway, on with The Voice. So tonight we decide who to evict (sorry, save). Holly's new catchphrase is clearly 'it's not easy'. Well, it can't be, having Cheryl coming up - singing live.
Ruth! I so don't care. Does anyone? I think we might find out tonight that they don't, despite all the praise heaped on her. Stop blowing smoke up her arse, Danny. Dead dad. Sob story vote! Boo. Underhand tactics.
LOL to Will.i.am having his Olympic torch with him. I bet Jessie J is seething, he's not even from the UK and he was asked. Why, I have no idea. But he was asked and she wasn't, that's the point. Actually, I saw Wills on Alan Carr last night and he was quite good. I am warming to old Will, yes I am.
Jessie saying Vince was cheesy last week. Funny, she didn't mention it in her comments after he sang. I wonder why? Oh and now she's lost her voice. What a SHAME. How will we cope without her words of wisdom?
Ooh, Vince is whipping it right from under Tyler's nose by singing Back to Black. This is the only Amy Winehouse song I like - but it's a bloody good one. That video is ace. He's not singing it very well, though.
Song choice is very important! Tell that to Gary 'it's not a song choosing competition' Barlow on ITV. The comments are so useless and unhelpful they might as well not bother. Not EVERYONE can make it to the final.
Will: dope. Check. Twitter. Check.
Jessie: 'I'm always honest.' No. Also, stop going on about 'artists', it makes me cringe. You have to prove yourself to be an artist; talent show contestants are not artists; well, except Bo Bruce *biased!*
Max is doing a mournful version of Every Breath You Take. Bye, Max. Max is so bland even his mother sometimes forgets what he looks like.
Will: 'I don't want to say anything that influences anything'. I think you're in the wrong job on here, then. At least he's saying something vaguely critical. LOL, you were flat. Bad luck, Max. That was un-dope. I just noticed Max's beard. Dear Lord.
Jessie J: 'Artists, artists, artists.' Fuck off.
Peter Andre (sorry, Danny) thought it was brill. I wonder if that's cos Max is his act? 'You're like a young Sting.' Gordon, then.
Jaz is doing Let it Be. I can play that on the keyboard. That and Oh When the Saints. That's the full extent of my repertoire. I think Jessie J is becoming more monotone than Jordan. She's so repetitive, too. 'Riffs and trills?' Oh, please stick it. Jaz bores be stiff. He should be on American Idol, doing songs from 40 years ago.
Will just said 'you can't climax at a climax' and no one even laughed.
Leanne is lovely, but like Jaz, she's on the wrong show. It's just too old fashioned for my taste. Her voice is good, though.

Becky is good, I hope she doesn't have a meltdown tonight. I don't like this song she's singing much, it's quite dreary and she sounds a bit off. Jessie J looked shocked when he said he didn't know the song; I don't either, plus it was shit.
Haha, I was going to write Jessie J just made it through a comment without using the word 'artist' but then she said it. She's more predictable than Louis Walsh, and that's saying something.
Danny: 'every time Bo opens her mouth angels fly out.' That must be quite inconvenient when you're trying to order a McDonalds.
Oh don't do a sob story for Bo, she doesn't need it. She doesn't need to beg for 'acceptance' from the masses. She's doing Charlie Brown by Coldplay. What the hell is that? She should have done The Hardest Part, that's the best Coldplay song ever. Did she miss her intro? Maybe she should have done a better known Coldplay song. She seems a bit lacklustre this week. Oh, no, I really don't want her to go. If she does, I'm resting the blame solely on Chris Martin. That song wasn't quite right for her voice. Eek.
Jessie doesn't want to heap too much praise on Bo, in case her obvious favourite Vince goes out. Danny is right: Bo is the most individual ARTIST in the show. I hope what Will says comes true and she does make it. She deserves to.
Tyler's doing Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, he's not dredging up poor Amy again is he? As if she doesn't have enough to deal with in that grave with Mitch constantly stoking at the soil.
Nice suit! Looks like the one Alan Carr was wearing last night. Oh God, this is going to be really bad. I hope he does the really fast bit. At least its BoRap in 30 seconds. The worst is when someone picks this shit on karaoke. Ha, he is doing this bit. This is camper than anything we'll see on Eurovision tonight. Never has 'spare me from this monstrosity' seemed more apt.
Oh, that's it. Just Cheryl to go.But I can't comment as I'm running out the door! I'll comment at the start of Eurovision. What a cliffhanger.
Please save Bo...
OK I haven't got time to read this through cos my cab is here, so if there are typos, please forgive me. I know not what I done. See you in a few hours after Eurovision. God knows what state I'll be in by then.

The Voice: the sore loser edition

Oh so they've changed their clothes to give the illusion that it's a different night. That's nice of them to bother. Well, Holly's got half changed at least. Oh they're letting Reggie out of the backroom again. Apparently in an interview when he was trying to be a rapper he dismissed tv talents shows as a load of old horseshit. It's hard to pay those bills on the mean streets, though, isn't it? Dope!
Just a FYI Jessie: zig zag partings are not back in fashion. And never will be. What next, bringing back the bindi? Gwen Stefani has a lot to answer for.
Vince/ Brian Harvey is first through. God knows how, he's so unlikeable it feels like he should be hanging round with Peaches Geldof.
Why does Jessie always talk as if she's delivering some terminal cancer results? She's got that Cheryl Cole way of speaking, as if she's announcing the arrival of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
I barely know who Paloma Faith is, and only from the pages in Heat where they slag off what you're wearing. She's in it most weeks.This show has been all filler and no killer so far.
BO is through! Well, obviously. She has more star quality in her eyelashes than the entire judges' panel, let alone the contestants. She has a presence on the screen that none of the others have. If she doesn't win it, I'd be very, very surprised.
Deano/ Chris Fountain/ Moon brother isn't handling himself very well in the green room. Looks like he's about to do a little lip wobble if his doesn't get his own way. Should have had something more useful in those pockets; like some charisma.
I hope Becky gets through out of Jessie's team as she's the most interesting. Cassius: dull. Toni: not a chance. Yep, Jessie did the right thing, there.
A jazzy version of Roxanne: that's just the ticket. Fast forward. Both these two can fuck right off in my opinion. Overrated bullshit and over-indulgent twaddle.
Deano is doing some proper sad facing. I don't think it's going to get him through, though. Because he's not much cop. Acting like a spoilt brat on TV is never a good idea. Just ask Nikki Grahame. Is he going to start crying? It's quite unprofessional. Take it like a man, kiddywinks. This is hilarious. I wouldn't want to be the one offering emotional first aid to him tonight. Looks like he might go put his fist through a window. Or maybe chuck one of his teddybears on the floor and stamp on it. He's only 17! He's acting like he's fucking seven. Mind you, it's probably past his bedtime. Night!

The Voice: Tonight every think counts

Bo Bruce tonight, thank God. I do think The Voice is getting a hard time in the press. It's good fun! Mind you, I loved Fame Academy. Who can forget the lovely Lemar and Ainslie? They were lush. Besides, Britain's Got Talent is TIRED. I pity anyone watching that old horseshit. Damn that dancing dog! Damn him to hell.
Let's get the outfits out of the way: Holly rocking a lovely curtain (bet that's not from Very). Jessie's come as a hateful Minnie Mouse. William's come as one of those square office toys with all the pins in that you used to put your palm into in the 80s.
Bowling is the Jessie J's 'secret little thing to do'. That and lesbianism. I notice they're in some private alley: why don't they go to the Trocadero like everyone else? UV times!
Jessie J knows nothing of professionalism. If your mic isn't working, just carry on singing like you normally do. God, she's so arrogant and annoying. I'm glad they've got the sound working now. Sounds much better. *panface*
It's a live show! Live show! Live show. Yeah, well done for not miming, give yourself a Werthers Original.
Max is up first. I don't remember him so that doesn't bode well. At least we don't have to look at Tyler's serial killer face this week. They're setting this Max up as the new Olly Murs, aren't they? Lol, he's doing doing a little rap and he seemed a bit out of breath. It was only about two sentences. I can rap the whole first verse of Without Me by Eminem without skipping a beat. I think his voice is OK but I don't like the direction they're pushing him in. I don't even know what this song is. He's a cute little thing but he's just boring.
I'm surprised Jessie J isn't saying 'on NATIONAL television'. She sounds like a Jeremy Kyle guest. I've seen less severe Croydon facelifts on that show. And more eloquent guests.
William: 'blinds or no blinds?' Is that a new TV programme? He talks complete hogwash, but at least it's fun. What is Tom Jones bringing to the party except endless anecdotes about dead people?
Cassius, it's over. Or is it? Who knows. Who's that on the piano? Is it Louis Theroux? Turning tables sounds like my friends' proposed invention of floating cocaine tables (not one I've seen in Dragon's Den, but maybe one day). This song should be called Turgid Turkeys instead. Make it stop. The best bit was when he went went 'woo' at the end, and that was only because it was stupid. Is Cassius a midget? Holly looks like Amazonian next to him. It looks like she's about to start breastfeeding him.
Tom Jones is being so insightful tonight. How much are they paying him for this blarney? Did Danny just ask Cassius if he was 'diddy'? I think that's apparent. Even Willy can't think of anything clever to say.
Bo! Select her. How can you sing 'Love the way you lie?' It's all a rap! I tried doing that on karaoke recently and it was hard, I was out of breath. I hope she's going to do the line about 'watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane'. That's the best line ever. What's this other bit she's doing? It's rather nice. But where's the volcano meeting the tornado, hey? Where's the Nintendo game line? She looks cool. Must be nice to be described as 'marketable'. Oh, and she's got a bad back, too. Has he been rubbing in some Deep Heat for her? Even she looked embarrassed. She doesn't need the bad back vote, Danny, she's better than that.
'A whole bunch of times more better than Rhianna' say Will. That's almost English. 'Bo, woah'. Oh no, now Jessie has nicked my Bo selecta joke. Motherfuck. Come on Bo, do those Princess Diana eyes to camera. You gotta win this. You've got proper talent compared to the others. There's no Tommy Reilly here now. And definitely no... whoever the other ones were.
I want to like this Vince guy. But he bugs me a little. Maybe it's the make up. Maybe it's the fact he looks a bit like Brian Harvey. And my friend Phoxx. Oh God, he's doing Olly Murs lite, too. WE'VE ALREADY GOT OLLY MURS. That's one Olly Murs too many already. Got it?
LOL, he just did a Jessie J style 'huh!' He's learning from the best. Look at his vest. He looks a prat. Jessie: 'Vince has worked so hard on his look.' Really? Looks like he had about 2.50 in his pocket and just spent 30 seconds browsing H&M's sale rail.
OH MY GOD DID DANNY JUST SAY 'YOU COULD SING THE PHONE BOOK AND BE AMAZING'? I thought I'd left this bullshit behind with Simon Cowell. This is unacceptable. I wonder what would happen if you sung the phone book? You'd have to start with AAAAAardvark taxis, wouldn't you? Someone should try this on YouTube.
Alex: the lost Moon brother. One extra Chris Fountain. We must stop him now. He's talking about his 'target audience'. What a tosser. He sounds like an Apprentice contestant.
If only we could bottle Danny's enthusiasm. Then we could all enjoy this rubbish, plodding non-starter of a song. The braces. The hands in the pockets. The star presence. Even I could sing this load of shit. Take his 'target audience' into a field and shoot them, starting with the youngest.
Danny 'he's only 17 years old.' Is this excuses week?  Has he stubbed his toe and all? Jessie is right: it was safe. And not in a good Jason Statham way, with a gun. But then would a big band version of Jet been better? Would it? He's only 17. Isn't Justin Beiber 17? And just look at his amazing tal- oh.
Alex wanted to 'give us a break from strong powerful singers'. If I want a break I'll go watch ITV. 
Danny O Sing the Phonebook does remind me of Peter Andre in that his positivity is so transparently fake. You know he's going to go home and cry into his cornflakes.
Oh God, Becky's doing Seven Nation Army. White Stripes or Marcus Collins? Crimped hair! How very 1996. I've got a photo of me with crimped hair and blue eye shadow wearing a nightie. I considered that suitable attire for nightclubbing at 16. I think she's got a decent voice she just needs some better direction. She did a bit of a Harry Hill style ending there. Oh, I miss you, Harry.
What rude thing did Becky say in the heat of the moment? I didn't hear it. Jessie J is issuing cockney counselling. Is Tom's hearing aid working? Oh dear, it's all going to pot, isn't it? Get Reggie out from the back to sort it out, Rastamouse must have a bifta on the go to short shit out. Becky's having a crack up. I blame Holly for giving her a tell off.
David's got a sob story instead of an ailment. He's my second favourite after Bo Bruce so I hope he doesn't fuck it up this week. Is he stalking someone via TV? That's a bit creepy. Fucking hell, it's another dreary song. He does have a good voice, though. She WILL be loved, whether she likes it or not. *Restraining order* He can't hit that 'will' note, and they've got backing vocals to cover it. That Temper Trap song was way better. Will is right to criticise that song choice.
Jessie J is giving it 'nononononononononono'. Are they having an artificial fight? I think Will won that round by just singing Vanilla Ice as a response to Danny's stream of BS. I think I actually LIKE Will.i.am now. Why is this happening?!!
Fuck off baldy and fuck off Elton John. Song choice! Holly calling her beautiful is patronising. It's not like she'd swap. 
The lost moon brother is getting dug out by Rastamouse for having his hands in his pockets. He's got one hand in his pocket, and the other one is flicking the bomb vest switch ala Sgt. Brody in Homeland. He did a proper screwface after that.
Cant Bo Bruce do the go karting cos of her bad back? Try saying 'Bo Bruce bad back' when you've had a drink, it aint easy, kiddo. I just tried it and failed spectacularly.
Moon brother looks like he's come out in his pyjamas. Hold on, what's this sunflower bullshit? Van Gogh didn't sanction this. I'm laughing my arse off, is this the intention? I guessed Bo was going to be Mona Lisa. What is this fucking song? It's fucking rubbish. Bo is outsinging the lot of 'em. My boyfriend just said 'I can't hear a guitar so why can I see one?' Why indeed. Someone should have been drowned in formaldehyde during that.
Is that it? It didn't drag at all tonight, so I must have enjoyed it, despite my carping. Bo FTW! Come on, only you can ensure she gets enough Radian B to keep her upright into next week. I would vote but I watched it an hour late and I'm posting this late so this is all futile. FUTILE! 

The Voice: the Olympics of singing

Greetings boyos! Yes, The Voice is like the Olympics of singing, in that it comes into your life, shrieking about how wonderful it is, and leaves you feeling empty. I exaggerate. The Olympics is much shitter. And much harder to avoid.
Why does Tom Jones look so sallow? He looks like he's just been for a course of chemo.
William seems to be in fancy dress tonight. It looks like he just discovered Cyberdog for the first time and did a Jedward-style trolley dash. I do like his glasses though. It pisses me off when they cut to William and Tom Jones texting/Twittering. I presume Tom Jones has one of those big button phones for old people out of the Innovations catalogue.  I heard he picked up a lovely plastic owl for his garden too, it glows and everything.
I put a spell on you. Really? That saxophone can fuck off, too.
I can't take this girl doing 'show me love' seriously. She looks like a little girl playing dress up. I thought she was a bit flat in parts, too.
Jessie J! Where's your fringe? I can't cope with the change! You're so wacky. What will she think of next? Leaving the country, I hope.
I suspect all the acts are going to be duff tonight. Which is good as Bo Bruce needs to win this motherfucker.
Fucking hell, have the Glastonbury world stage couple not been evicted yet? They're doing Everything but The Girl. I watched a good clip yesterday of Morrissey and George Michael revewing an Everything but the Girl album with Tony Blackburn. Now that was entertaining. This; not so much.
I think Joelle is alright. She looks like she's enjoying herself. I think she might be a bit off key but that's alright. She seems nice.
I think Will might have had a few too many Red Bulls before the show, either that or too many Smarties, he's getting a little over-excited. I can imagine he was quite badly bullied at school, bless him.
William to Danny: 'he's on crack.' If he is, we know where he got it from: Fergie.
Why have they done Ruth up so she looks about 40? She looks like she's wearing a floral tracksuit. You can always tell when it's a Tom Jones contestant because the songs are so fucking turgid. Fuck me, did she just get possessed halfway through? She's useless.
I enjoyed that bit where Jessie J threw a strop because Will is funnier and more entertaining than her. She seems in a right mood tonight. I think she's missing her fringe. Get someone to clip it back on, quick. Or just sack her, one or the other. Those chairs should double up as ejector seats.
Tyler just said that 'Sign your name across my heart' by Terence Trent D'arby was 'one of his favourite songs ever.' Idiot.
He's got a real thousand yard stare. He looks like a cross between Derren Brown and Christopher Walken. I can't see the appeal in him at all.
Foo Fighters cunt! Remember that 'controversial' song he did last week by fluky multi-millionaire Dave Grohl? That was real punk rock, right there on the BBC, on a talent show. Tonight he's going to be taking on more cutting edge material by middle-class multi-millionaires Radiohead. Should have done Paranoid Android or Fitter Happier. William could do the fitter happier bit in the background on a vocoder. I'd name an even more unsuitable Radiohead song than that but I stopped listening after they disappeared up their own arses.
He's not singing it high enough, ironically. Adam: 'Last week's song was 'so weird''. Yeah, who are these crazy Foo Fighters kids? They're fucking NUTS, man. What a prick.
Danny is being quite honest tonight. Which is good.
This Jaz guy bores the hell out of me. He must be sweating his nuts off in that coat.
I just skip past the parts where the personality-void Reggie Yates chats to idiots backstage.
Dinosaur mini golf. Fucking spare me. Hit the road Jack! Who is letting him get away with this bullshit?
I guess Will taking them to his studio makes more sense than Dinosaur Golf. Mind you, they had to suffer Jamie Oliver bringing the food. Got any turkey twizzlers? Pukka.
WTF was that song William's team was singing? Will can't sing a fucking note. It really is the Emperor's New Clothes (from Cyberdog).
I hope Jessie J can be a bit more professional tomorrow. Take a leaf out of Will's book. He knows gravitas when he sees it. DOPE!

The Voice: Sonic thumbprint

On the US voice, all the women get kicked out every week, so I hope that's not going to be the same tonight.
Not sure about Jessi (huh) J's geisha look/ Croydon facelift. Oh her fringe, will she, won't she? The nation is on tenterhooks every week. The 'integrity' of Tom Jones? Think someone's got their scripts mixed up. Perhaps they meant 'interminableness'
Toni, the baldy, is up first. She's doing Tina Turner. Brilliant. Very modern. God, this is horrific. Her voice is horrible. It sounds like a chipmunk's been caught in the spin cycle.
I'm not interested in Max. He's one of those with a hat instead of a personality. Fuck this Freefalling song, too. That was deathly dull.
Jessie J is being particularly pathetic tonight. How is all this rubbish English pop music getting big in America? Must be illuminati-related. Why else would a nation embrace Olly Murs and his cod reggae? Something's afoot.
Ruth-Ann, congratulations, it's hard to make a Cheryl Cole song sound even worse but you managed it. Drab, drab, drab. Should have done Parachutes. I've got high hopes for Bo Bruce tonight.
None of these others are striking me as real stars tonight. Cry me a river?
Vince seems to be doing a reggae version of You were always on my mind. Uh huh.Yeah. You can tell he's been to Jessie J's masterclass of dragging every note out to be about 50 syllables. I just find it irritating and showoffy. I do like him, though.
Tom Jones wittering on about Elvis. Check.
Oh fucking hell, the next one up, Alex is doing 'dream a little dream'. What is this? Did I just hear the word 'swing'? Fuck dat. I had to fast forward before I smashed up the TV like Eileen's boyfriend's wife with dementia in Corrie. The good thing is, this dude is on Bo's team so hopefully he'll be leaving before her.
Danny just said the word 'cool' in the same sentence as Jamie Cullum. I think he said cool, maybe he said cunt.
Will.i.am's Michael Buble joke went down a treat, didn't it? It's the way you tell 'em. I think you should leave the humour to... er... oh, there's no one funny on this show. Holly? Don't diss Michael Buble. I like Michael Buble, not his music, obviously, but his cheeky little face.
Cassius. I think he's probably the best yet but that's not saying much. Song choices have been quite duff tonight. It feels like all the songs have been a bit plodding. I wonder what Bo will sing?
All this 'artist' bullshit pisses me off, too. They're not 'artists' - they're contestants on a talent show. I would dispute that Jessie J is even an 'artist'; she's just a manufactured android, just cheeky enough to be considered 'controversial' (although still hiding in that closet, hey?) and just thick enough that you can be guarantee that everything that comes out of her mouth is tripe.
Temper Trap? Beats Tina fucking Turner. Ooh, its raining on him. I think he's quite good and I like this song but something about him reminds me of Matt Cardle. I do like his voice, though. He was the best so far.
William is being a bit weird tonight. He's definitely on something but whether it's space dust or his own ego, who knows? He talks utter shit, but at least he's entertaining with it.    
Ha, someone's doing Good luck by Bassment Jaxx. I used to love that song. Ah, memories. This could be good. I quite like her but this song sounds really dated now! LOL that means I'm going out of date. Plus they're doing a slightly jazzy version of it. I thought she was going to get tangled in in that mic wire. Something about her felt like she was play-acting. Tom Jones told her she was like a modern Janis Joplin. Blank look.
Ooh, Bo's on last. That's good. She's doing Running up that Hill by Placebo (oh, I mean Kate Bush). But Kate bush doesn't say 'If I only could make a deal with GAWD' in the great way Brian does in that song. Therefore, he wins.
Bo and Danny are shedding a few years. That's always good for a vote or two.
I find her quite mesmerising to watch. She looks like a little elf in the woods. I like her outfit, too, she looks really cool. I just like everything about her, even the way she always looks awkward with the other contestants backstage. She just looks like a star already, she doesn't have to try. She was better than anyone else on that stage. And that's why they put her on last.

The Voice: results: Every night, we smash a Mercedes Benz

LOL to making them sing 'You've got the music in you' at the start. Are they advertising a car like on American Idol? Bo looked befuddled, I can only presume she was appalled at being made to sing the most embarrassing song of all time. Sadly they never got to the 'Courtney Love and Marylin Manson, they're all fakes run to your mansions' line. Bet the guy who sung that doesn't have a mansion right now. He's probably sleeping on a friend's sofa whilst Courtney takes a bath in liquid gold. Ooh, medley. Music! Please do stop this music. It's an earsore.
Tom Jones saying 'stepped up to the plate' is all kinds of wrong. Who decided he'd be a good judge for this show? Really? Even Louis Walsh is preferable.
Why are Holly and Reggie wearing the same clothes as they did last night? Did they film this last night? Wouldn't that dress be a bit stinky by now? Holly doesn't really look her usual beautiful self today. I'm not liking that pink dress too much and her hair doesn't look nice either. She looked hot on the front of Cosmo recently (which I only bought cos it had a free Soap and Glory mazzy).
Why did people start clapping before Holly said 'Ruth Brown'? Is she reading it off an autocue?
OMG are you serious they put that Foo Fighter's dude through? Dave Grohl must be turning in his grave.
There's not one cool person on this panel. It's like the bullied kids at school who are trying so hard to please with their zany haircuts and head bobbing. The coolest person on that panel probably IS Tom Jones. Oh my God.
The wait is over. Not such a good line, is it? I guess Big Brother stole all the good ones. I'm surprised Frances got through. She was a bit rub.
Will is doing a p-p-p-p-p-poker face. Either that or his Imodium just kicked in. He's looked a bit crab eyed™.
Reggie Yates, do you know my name, oh don't say you don't, please say you do, woah, woah. Isn't Reggie the voice of Rastamouse? He gets all the good gigs, doesn't he? He should dress as Rastamouse backstage. It would give him a sense of gravitas.
My boyfriend just said 'Fana Del Ray' when Lana Del Ray can on cos he thought it was just a lookalike. I think she's just died her hair. I do like three songs off her album and she's cute. Not this one, though.
All the contestants are wearing the same clothes as yesterday, too. This is a swizz. What's going on? I'm not surprised Sam went, he was pretty rubbish. 'I feel like my heart's been ripped out' - that's a bit too much honesty for BBC1 on a Sunday night. Gutterly butterly.
The ghost of Tom Jones looks beleaguered at Sam home. I don't think he's as sad as Sam, though. He has got all those rubbish hits and the knickers and the gold discs and the duet with with Cerys and his own 'Booby' at home. What's Sam got? A rubbish shirt?
I'm not surprised Will sent whatsherface home. She had zip-all star quality. Holly: 'Will needs a hug.' No, Will needs to start dressing his age, whatever that might be. Answers on a postcard.
By the way, Chronicle was fuckin' ace! Recommend!

The Voice UK (huh!) - Live shows

I've been enjoying The Voice US so much that I just don't think our version can live up to it now. I've seen singers with a million times more talent than that Scotty McCreepy, who won last year's dead duck American Idol, sent home with a flea in their ear. The standard of talent and the song choices have been great, so I really hope our series takes a lead from that. Added love was provided last week in the extra form of of a radioactive Christina Aguilera giving Justin Bieber a screwface. Although they did chuck out all of my favourite people last week, but that's to be expected. And Jessie J appeared going 'huh'! Do we really have to inflict her on the US? I say only if they get to keep her.
Oh OK, it's live shows now. I'm trying to think of something more horrible that the judges tunelessly belting out 'It's a Beautiful Day' by U2. Shoulda done 'Lemon'. Does Willy even sing? I just thought he wore neon and jumped about spouting nonsense. Like me at a rave, in my younger days.
Wot, no Bo Bruce this week. Booo. Oh God, they've got this annoying bit backstage where they try and force you to tweet. I wondered what Reggie Yates was for. Window dressing, apparently. Back room boy.
Looks like they get more song choice than they do on X Factor, or that's what they're trying to convince us. I take that back - this first choice is pure American Idol. ZZZZ. Not interested in Joelle, I'm afraid. Too dated. The fact Jessie J looked so elated when Joelle did that stupid high bit at the end says it all. She really does have a bucket of bullshit instead of a brain.
OOh, someone's doing Erasure. Love this song. Not sure if he's got the hang of the low OR high notes. He sounds out of breath, bless him. Even insincerity android Jessie J looks grim-faced. Sam Buttery coming to a pier near you in 2013.
William has got his next stooge singing 'aint nobody'. What decade was that released in? Are we really that hard up for tunes? All this posturing with the male dancers is stupid and looks completely dated. I don't even think her voice sounds good any more. She's got no chance. LOL to Frances going 'Will.i.am can even sing' as if that's about the 46734 thing on words to describe 'things Will does', probably just below 'Fergie'. 
Uh oh, Foo Fighters karaoke coming up. Doesn't really require much singing. Mark Owen pretending to be Dave Grohl. This is a new low. Is he playing that guitar or is it just a massive necklace? That was truly head-in-hands horrendous. Then he goes 'it's great to come on Saturday night TV and play a rock song' like he's just discovered America. It's the fucking Foo Fighters, dickhead, not Anal Cunt.
Looked like Will.I.am was texting on his phone there when Holly cut to him.
Jaz Ellington is on the wrong show. He should be on American Idol, where they'll approximately catch up with the UK music scene in about 20 years time.
Leanne has got a really strong voice, but Pink didn't suit her, I'm afraid. Song choice fail.
This plain girl singing a song I don't know about metal sounds a bit shaky. She doesn't sound gutsy enough, it's like she's just come in from school and is dancing round her living room.
Jessie J: 'range, technicality, falsetto'. You boring fucking stage school brat. Do you know about music that comes out and grabs you from the guts? Do you know anything?
The girl out of this couple has been given rather a severe fringe. I like a severe fringe. My fringe has lost it's way at the moment and is waiting to regenerate. This band is gash. They would be irrelevant even on the hippy-dippy-dipshit stage at Glastonbury.
Did Tyler mention he was Amy Winehouse's best friend? Did he? I thought I might have heard him mention it once or twice. I don't like his voice, or his face, or anything about him. I'd rather have a go on Blake.
Is Tom Jones choosing all these duff 80s songs? Seriously, the US Voice had me genuinely excited last week. This is turdid. And she's flat. God, I was really flagging towards the end of that, apologies.
Ooh, they let Reggie out of the dungeon for 3 seconds. I couldn't give a fig who goes home out of that lot. But hopefully next week will be better. Huh! Now I'm gonna watch Pointless Celebrities and Chronicle. Then I'm gonna pass out.

The Voice: Giving it both battles

Was out last night so missed the battle rounds- catching up on it now though. Ah they've let Holly and Reggie out of the dungeon. That must be nice for them. I don't mind Reggie that much now, I think Fearne Cotton was dragging him down previously. Don't get me wrong, he's still dull as dishwater.
Just when you thought things couldn't get anymore Welsh, Tom Jones has drafted in Cerys Matthews to help him. What's she going to advise, go on a rubbish reality show and get off with a dead-in-the-water soap star? Road raaaaaaaaaaage!
I'm every woman - spare us, Wills. Even Whitney's had enough of this one. I think the black girl is better by an inch but they were both good. Will someone tell Jessie to stop bobbing her head and singing along. It's like when the guitarist sings when he's not supposed to. Cringeworthy. These two second boys sound really similar. I think the one without the hat who looks like dannii minogue's ex has the edge but they're both pretty good. They're putting on a good performance, too. oh they sent my one home. Boo.
I'm finding it hard to judge who's better in this Tom Jones/Elvis shout off because I don't like Tom Jones, Elvis or shouting. Same goes for the next song that the bald girl sang. It just sounds like a fucking racket. Uh oh they've pitched Bo against Morgan Spurlock. She's gotta win!!! He's so overdone. She's beautiful. Do the right thing, Danny. Bo is something special. I'm actually nervous! Yes! He chose Bo. I'm so happy. She has real talent - I just love her.
So we're giving Chris Brown the BBC seal of approval by forcing the acts (against their will) to sing one of his blood-spattered dance numbers. I'm guessing the guy who threw his toys out of the pram will be going home. I see Jessie J is singing along her support of domestic violence. I better not ever see that bitch calling herself a feminist. Fucking thicko.
I though the two who did Rhianna would be better than they were. I think it's a bit style over substance there.
Sorry I got some dinner at that point so lost it a bit but heard 'soul on a pole'. I don't get the fuss about those two but it could be because I cant stand Heard it through the Grapevine. I'd rather listen to the sound of my own throat being cut and listening to the blood dribble out and my last raspy choking breaths.
OK, onto tonight's show. This turgid version of Beat It has got Jessie J's tasteless fingers all over it. Couldn't care less who won that one. This Lady Gaga song is too shrill.
Oh fucking hell, it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. This one with the glasses is singing with a faux American accent. I'm surprised Jessie J isn't the mentor. My boyfriend just walked in and said, 'What's this, a noteless off?' It does sound flat, but I can't work out which one is flat. Oh, the other one has a much nicer voice. She deserved to go through.
This Emmy girl is being a bit cocky... she'll probably go home. Stop intimidating Chris Fountain/Deano from Eastenders. Boyfriend: 'what is this, Cunt Academy?' I think he's been working on that one in the kitchen.
Chris Fountain looks like a rabbit in the headlights. It looks like someone's just dragged him in off the street. He's giving up on notes halfway through, not 'giving each note it's due respect' as some idiot said earlier. Bo Bruce is going to eat everyone in this category alive. That girl pulled a screwface when Jessie J said about the kiss and looked smug when Danny said she was further down the line. She looked proper sour when she got sent home. Serves her right. Having said that I can't believe they did put Alex through, he was fucking useless.
Peewee Herman is now doing 'I want to dance with somebody.' Why? Nobody knows. This is U-Glee. They seemed to only sing for about 10 seconds. Did they have to edit the acts down to make room for all Jessie J's posturing and wiffle-waffle.
My boyfriend just said of the male half of this appalling couple, 'Is that Justin Lee Collins fused with Wagbo?' I think he should write this blog for me. Especially today, as I've spent at least 5% of the day puking my guts up. Wagbo and co plus other old woman was rubbish. Next!
OMG I hate this Kids song soooooo much! It's completely tuneless. Robbie Williams and Kylie combined: smug central. I hope she goes through. It seems like this show has been chopped to bits tonight. They're not editing it very well at all.
My boyfriend on Jessie J: 'The only have one woman on the panel so why did they pick the most uninteresting one on the planet? Stop wiggling your shoulders and fuck off and die.' She seems to rub him up the wrong way, a little. I can't imagine why.
Indie and Pixie were giving the other girl the stink-eye when she was singing really well. I thought they were a bit off last time so they'd better be careful. Becky is much, much better than them. I like her voice. The others are off and they look cross. I liked Becky's screwed up face when Jessie was making her decision.
Yay, so glad she won over the Heathers.
The guy is better than the girl singing this Kings of Leon song. He's got a funny neck, though.
Oh, lawks this next two are going to do Firework. Even Katy Perry can't sing this fucker. They both sound off. This song is really hard to sing. I tried it on karaoke. Has anyone on earth ever sang this song on key? It's like aural torture. I bet Russell Brand is glad he doesn't have to pretend to like it anymore.
I don't think anyone should take on Kelly Jones's raspy old voice. It's the only thing the little Welsh prick has got going for him. I'm all Voiced out now. I watched two episodes of The Voice US today, too. Christina and her acrylic hair and the lovely Cee Lo makes me pine for better judges. Even the buffoonery of Adam Levine is more fun than William's nonsense speak.
Battle, battle, battle! Bo Bruce FTW. You know it makes sense.

The Voice UK: Push the button. Don't push the button.

The amazing Bo Bruce is going to be on The Voice tonight so I'm very excited. I have followed her since she was on Orange Unsigned (and would have won had it not been for Tommy, who was also excellent). I even interviewed some of the acts on it for my blogs, but my interview technique was terrible and I don't think she got back to me, but she bigs up my blog and chats to me on Twitter once in blue moon. I never knew she was a Lady until I saw it in the Mail today. Well fuck your inverse snobbery. She's fucking ace. If she doesn't win it I'd be amazed.
First girl on was good. I think I might be starting to fancy The Script a bit. Wasn't Willy wearing that jacket last week? Maybe he's still got it on loan from the fancy dress shop.
I'm at my mums and they just told me they got their dog drunk on whiskey the other week and are now giving the other dog some of my cava out of an ashtray. Is this a matter for the RSPCA? More shockingly my mum and her boyfriend told me they LIKE Will*I*am. What is there to like? Is it his sparkling personality, his pointless boasting, or his overuse of full stops?
I don't think that second guy was much good. They let better people than that go last week. This third girl wasn't much good either. Has someone just died? They all look like they're grieving.
This next girl looks like Chantelle Houghton after a couple too many biccies (ie. a normal sized person). She's got the best voice so far and she's cute.
Tom Jones: 'I'm a married man' - that doesn't normally stop you, you randy old pervert.
'No sob stories in The Voice' said Jessie J. Maybe a dead brother doesn't count? I like the name Cassius but it might just be because of that song.
My mum said The Script is like an 'ugly looking version of Peter Andre.' That's quite insulting. You can see where I get it from.
The bickering between the judges is not as good as it is on the American version. I miss Adam Levine's begging, Christina's cleavage and Cee lo stroking his cat. I forget what the other one does except shamelessly plug his wife every week.
Now I can't stop thinking about Peter Andre. Scrap that thing I said about fancying Danny.
This girl from Wales is cute and she had a really good voice. She reminds me off one I like off America's Next Top Model. No one likes this little fat bloke and they can't even see him. Jessie J's twaddle of the week: 'your lips aren't hugely clean.' You talk fucking bullshit.
They are obviously leaving Bo until last as she's the best (I am biased). I wonder who'll she'll pick?
The guy who did Plan B was good.
I liked the girl who said her mum thought she was overweight, it was quite cute. Willy is playing the mum card. And it worked. Sly old dog. I wonder how old William is, he seems kind of ageless and alien like he could be 30 or 1000.
Random mum comment: 'I don't like dresses at all. I think they're horrible things. I've never worn a dress.' I'm sitting here wearing a dress. And I've seen her in a wedding dress, at the very least.
I thought the girl who did Adele was good enough to go through. She just shouldn't have sung that Adele song as it just draws comparisons. Aw, she was sweet.
Justin Lee Collins (psoriasis™) appears to be auditioning next. Ooh he's doing Bon Jovi. Very current. My mum fancies him. His voice was good. No one turned. Rock off.
Amy Winehouse's friend looks like he's been modelling his hair on hers. Sitting on the dock of the bay is like a Olly Murs crab-pinched-my-feet type song. I wish no one had picked him. My mum is particularly unhappy about all the brown trousers people are wearing. She's quite the fashion critic tonight.
Tom Jones, I think you've dropped something. Oh yeah, there it is, another name of some dead or irrelevant person.
Bo was really good. I love listening to her voice so much. Jessie J has got a cheek saying anything about Bo's vocal power, whose voice is about 10 million times better than hers. She's got more passion in her little finger than that stage-school brat. It just proves how thick JJ is by not turning round. I want Bo to win because I really want to buy her album! Plus she might let me write her autobiography, you never know. Bo, give me a call, you've got a phone, don't you? ;)

Orange Unsigned Act: Semi Final

Today I got up at the un-godly hour of 8am to go to the semi-final of the Orange Unsigned Act show. Even arriving then though, we missed Alex Zane mentioning Alex James love of cheese and Bo Bruce's song (pretty annoying as she's my second fave). Also, why did Alex James say at the start he wanted to hear something 'new' when they were playing their best songs? Wake up, grandad.
Oh, I take that back as Bo DID play something new. Pretty brave! I liked that song, I wish I'd been there to hear it! She looked good on TV and we saw her wandering round at the Riverside studios and she looked cool, I liked her outfit. Was she at a disadvantage going on first?
So we arrived in time for Scarlet Harlots. I thought they were excellent live, they have really good energy, and are very cool. I think they are the most honest band in the competiton. They seem real. I'm glad they went through.
Hmm, WHY didn't they put Toby Sebastian on first so I missed him instead of Bo? Althought actually, I thought this weeks song WAS his best song. His voice does sound nice in the studio, but nice isn't really what I demand from my indie idols. Still, he did play effortlessly. Not sorry in the slightest to see him go though, unlike Simon Gavin who must be crying into his little beard as we speak.
I thought the judges comments were all pretty lame today. They clearly hadn't been practising their insults in front of the mirror. Alex James calling Toby Sebastian posh was a bit silly, it's not his fault, is it?
I didn't really rate Hip Parade; I know it's unpopular; but I find them a bit generic. I still don't like that putting 'radio' in the title, it's too cynical. They are a bit McFlyish, I think. It's singalong, but it's not for me. I liked his haircut though; I like a bit of ginger.
I thought Tommy Reilly was on fine form today (biased!) He did my favourite song and his voice sounded great. He is a raw talent. I love his face when he gets compliments from the judges; he looks geniunely baffled.
The results! Bit gutted Bo didn't go through; but pleased that Scarlot Harlots did. It's quite telling that The Wombats are less talented than any of the semi-finalists, in my opinion. Can't we take their record deal off them and give it to Bo?
I think it should be noted that all the acts who went through have featured in my blog lately; Bo & Toby should REALLY have answered my interview questions already! I have the POWER. I can make or break you!!!
And with that in mind, Tommy to win. I want to hear his album.

Orange Unsigned Act: The Interviews

This week I interviewed the Orange Unsigned Act contestants... tonight's installments comes from the bands; Scarlet Harlots and Hip Parade. Enjoy!

Rob from Hip Parade:

1. Who's the best ginger in Eastenders, Bradley or Max?
well Bradley, cos Max is evil! (Max is the dad, yeah?)

2. Have any of you ever worn a dress? How did you look? If not, do you fancy it? Ive not, no... I dont have the legs for it!

3. Have you seen the Loch Ness Monster?
Yes.

4. What does a Hip Parade involve?
Ringing ears, pizza, Irn Bru and lack of sleep!

5. Do you think you can win the show? Will you win it?
We need to win it to get out of our boring day jobs!! We have done all we can to prove ourselves in the show. Its now in the hands of the public!

Tom from Scarlet Harlots:

1. What other colour harlots do you like?
Just as Will Smith said in his heavy 90's tune Miami; '...Real sweet faces, every different nation, Spanish, Hatian, Indian, Jamaican, Black, White, Cuban and Asian." If you're a Harlot, you're in!'

2. Would you rather have a cheese supper with Alex James or a years supply of Dairylea lunchables?
Dairylea. Next question.

3. Have any of you got recognised yet? What happened?
Geoff gets recognised regularly. Some (lovely) girl ran across the road screaming things at him in London the other week, almost at her peril, as the traffic was peaking. A conversation ended with the girl complimenting the whole Scarlet Harlots vibe, so all was good.

4. Is there a Yoko Ono figure in the Scarlet Harlots' story?
Yoko Ono's Flux film offerings were pretty wafty in all honesty! If you're asking about intense female characters in the Harlot hareem, then yes is the answer, but they're there for the right reason!

5. Do you think you can win the show? Will you win it?
We can win the show if people are feeling us. There's way more to us than what you see on stage and your TV. The Harlot bug is spreading and if web numbers are anything to go by, we should make it to the final.

Orange Unsigned Act: Not a catchy name for a show.

How about the Alt. Factor? Indie Idol? I suppose they wanted to squeeze 'orange' in. (That was almost a joke)

FYI: Have I mentioned I like Tommy Reilly? Jo Wiley's face is highly amusing in this. I think she's whispering in that guy's ear that she's got the hots for him.


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I also like Bo Bruce, her voice is lush:


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This blog was sponsored by lightupvirginmary being a ligger. It's all downhill from here, I'll be singing the praises of Michelle Heaton next week if someone gives me 50p and a sausage sandwich. (Don't tell MOZZY!)

Orange UnsignedAct- The wild card edition

Why is there no gap between unsigned and act? I don't like it! I'll get the grammar police onto it right away.
So there was a bit of a change to the format this week with the show taking place live in the studio; not very handy for me, as I taped it and didn't tape the results show which was on later, as I didn't know there was one- dammit. I see Alex James is trying to rework his 90s hairdo; nice try, but the cheese-eating catches up with us all, Alex. You can't fool us that way. And no rubber trousers this week? Sob. I live to see 40-year-old fading Britpoppers in amusing fetish-wear. The record company guy, Simon Gavin (look I wrote his name down and everything) was giving it the whole Peter Jones 'I need you to put my kids through school' schtick tonight. But you have Duffy for that, so no dramas.
Scarlet Harlots were up first; the lead singer wearing a lovely patterned tracksuit top. That song did seem quite appealing; a noisy old catchy mess. I like his Ian Brown posturing and jigging around.
Aw that was a bit cruel when Dennis the Menace's dad said Fangs were too old. They have sunglasses on, so you can't tell that! I have those sunglasses, they cost £2 from Primark and went out of fashion around May this year. I didn't like the song they did today, but I liked some of their other ones, and they were were at least interesting, if a bit derivative. (Did someone force the audience to clap in time like that? That was peculiar) Ageist Alex James said, 'That was a stonking riff, man.' Oh dear. Cos that's how all the kids speak, innit, blud?
I like Klaus Says Buy The Record, he's cute and quirky, like a mini-Patrick Wolf in his shorts. I like the fact he barely looked up during his song. I liked the folkiness and the lyrics (and his hair). He is too niche, though. He took a leaf out of Will Young's book and hit back at the judges; hey, it's worth a try.
Sleeper Cell (awful band name) are mindless pop-rock. Like little boys playing at being a band. The song was catchy, but so's syphilis. I'm too old for this. The name 'Barnaby' speaks for itself, really.
I liked Pyrelli's first audition, but his last one (where he got voted out) was a bit lacklustre. Today he did the acoustic one again I think, which I enjoyed at the time, but he was putting on an American accent at times today, which is a bit rich when he's clearly English and works in a shoe shop. It sounded kind of plodding and 'take her number down, why didn't I?' is a rhyme-shoehorn even Yoda would blanch at.
So I had to look on the website to discover Scarlet Harlot's made it. Hurrah for them, they deserved it. Now if all goes well, I should be attending the live show next week so I should have some behind the scenes info. It aint the Oscars, but it's more fun. If I get to ask Alex James something about cheese, life will be complete.

T4: Orange Unsigned Act

In my usual vein of being into things that are aimed at people a decade younger than me, I have very much been enjoying Orange Unsigned Act, or the indie X Factor. I didn't watch it last year, and I wish I had as it's damn good fun. I'm always put off by the collection of snidey cunts who present T4, but if you can bear to sit through two seconds of them, it's worth it for this. Oh, and another warning; the actual show is presented by fake-it-so-real-he-is-beyond-fake Alex Zane. If I can live through his guyliner in place of a personality and his brand-new topman indie gear schtick, then you can. I just like to stick my fingers in my ears until he goes away. It works reasonably well.
So, onto the judges! In Simon Cowell's role is some record company exec guy 'the money' who looks like that sweary bloke from Dead Set crossed with the new Dennis the Menace's dad. Louis Walsh is played by everyone's least favourite member of Blur; Daily-Mail-pandering cheese-enthusiast Alex James. And in Cheryl Cole's shoes, is everyone's favourite member of Kenickie (OK, I have no recollection of the other two) Lauren Laverne. Who could say a bad word about Lauren? Not me. She rocks.
The weird/ best part is some of these bands/ singers are actually very good. I particularly like spotty-but-sweet Tommy Reilly and posh, Princess Diana-a-like Bo Bruce. Today's show saw them supporting McFly! But don't hold that against them.
Toby Sebastian is the dullest of the group; he covered Corrine Bailey Rae recently, so that probably tells you all you need to know. Like a prettier James Blunt, he'd probably go far on the real X Factor. He might even win this if money-dude gets his way. Showed he had no personality whatsoever during the interviewing task. Played a song that was dull beyond belief. Losing in front of his home crowd, as someone who is VERY good at interviews once sang.
Scarlet Harlots (not to be confused with Jamie Oliver's band, the equally awfully-named Scarlet Division) are alright; they are trying DESPERATELY hard to be cool, and succeeding to a degree. The lead singer has an interesting face. They are a bit shambolic but I think that's OK. Today's song sounded a bit ska-ish. Alex Zane was nodding along, so there's the kiss of death. Haha, he of the stupidly-named kids (Geronimo, anyone?) Alex James said they needed a chorus like 'uh oh, we're in trouble' by Shampoo! Their faces were a picture. Oh my god, then Alex James said 'look at me whilst I'm talking to you!'. Rex revival!!! DO YOU LOVE ME, NICOLE? DO YA? DO YA?
This is TV gold.
Tommy Reilly went to meet Scott Mills who is apparently 'influential in music'. And the blandest man on earth. Tommy came across as self-deprecating and charming as usual. I liked the song he played, the guitar was quite Bright Eyes-ey. I like his foghorn style of singing, I like singers with imperfect voices who shout a bit (Conor, Courtney & so on). I really like that song of Tommy's with that lyric of his 'give me a call, you got a phone don't you?' It's so simple, but it just gets lodged in your brain. That's good song-writing for you.
Bo Bruce is cool; she has a great voice and a bad attitude, which is a good combination. I like the way she's a bit posh and arrogant and she doesn't play nice. She definitely has balls. Clashing swords with Lauren Laverne is a little dangerous though; especially when Lauren is voting on your career. I really liked that song Bo sang though, I thought it was pretty catchy. Lauren looked a bit miffied when Bo's friends heckled her. I don't think it was true that Bo's not as good as the others though. I think she's the second best, after Tommy.
The final act in the competition is Hip Parade. They were good in the interview. I don't like their music though. It's catchy, but kiddie rock, I think. A bit crass of them to write a song with 'radio' in the title; as we all know songs with 'radio' in the title get played on the radio lots more than songs that don't. That doesn't make them good.
It was a shame the Scarlet Harlots went. They should have ditched Toby Sebastian, but I'm glad Bo survived. For the vote-back show next week, I'd vote back in Scarlet Harlots or Klaus Says Buy The Record, mainly cos I fancied him (ahem).
PS: Alex James. Lay off the cheese, for fuck's sake, fatty.