Goodbye, Big Bro

'I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go' as Morrissey once sang, and today, I know the feeling.
I haven't blogged in while but it felt only fitting to use a dying format to say goodbye to a friend of 18 years, Big Brother. I do think BBUK will continue, like Glenn from The Walking Dead coming out from the dumpster 'in one form or another', and it definitely still exists in one form or another internationally, and for that, I'm grateful.
Big Brother has meant so much to me over the years, from making friends, forming relationships, blogging, podcasting, arguing online, arguing in real life, arguing because we care, we fucking care about this thing that yes, IS still on, except now... it isn't.
The ironic part is that it feels like things are just kicking off for our BB on Blast podcast in the past year or so, getting to go to the house, getting invited to talk to the producers, becoming mates with Arisa, host of BB Canada, and it can't all be for nothing, can it? Can it?
Big Brother on C5 is often slated, but thinking back over the moments we've had over the past few years, there's been a lot of really, really good ones. I'll leave it for the other fansites to take you on that trip down memory lane, but from Danny Wisker and his canoe to Kim Woodburn's 'adulterer!' madness, it's been a wild ride, both 'civillian' and celeb. I still don't really understand why C5 is killing the top rated show it has, but they have made a lot of bad decisions recently (removing Lewis, for example). I won't be tuning into whatever brain rot they put on instead. BB is life, C5 is not.
Will it go to Netflix? I feel like there's been a hell of a lot of hints. And I don't even mind it having 'a rest' for six months. But come on. We need UK Big Brother. The audience is there, and on Netflix, the international audience is there also. We could have live feed again! I know, I'm a dreamer. 
Last night was such a (!) blast. We were invited to the house, met in the pub beforehand, and were sent more free drinks from a mystery benefactor than I should have drunk. Trevor Boris, aka Marsha the Moose, came by to say hi! He didn't have to. Paul Osborne got Lewis and Mollie, hardcore BB fans onto the guest list with us, he didn't have to.
We passed Brooke and Tomasz and got smuggled into the camera runs, and saw the four housemates sat on mental chairs up the corner. It didn't feel real. We went in the task room and Gaz stuck his hand in a mystery box full of goo and probably still hasn't washed it. We were given a Big Coin each; what a treat! We didn't expect these things. We were lucky.
Jarrod and Matt held up signs. I held Garry's hand as votes were announced, and Gaz held mine, too. Mollie, Lewis, Gaz and I sipped on contraband vodka from my hipflask (wannabe edgy). Alfie was there, Chris, Jonnie... all friends I didn't have but now have, thanks to Big Brother. We sang to All These Things That I've Done which played over the highlights, my favourite Killers song, and one I'd just put on my Desert Island Discs for work the week before. How did you know, Big Brother? How did you know? It was magic.
The old housemates were all there, right by us, all except Ellis, Isaac (what did he have to do that was better?!) and you know who: the real winner, Lewis.
Emma cried. Half the grown men I was with cried. My eyes were watering all the way home, but I think I was just drunk! That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  
We watched and I booed Cameron and called him a misogynist, but I didn't really care anymore. It was all love and light on the night, probably because I was so hammered. It was about more than who won last night. It was about a story ending.
OK: so now I'm going to watch the episode as it's such a blur when you're there. It was a peculiar final, too short, the wrong finalists (debatably) and little fanfare or nostalgia, really. If I hadn't been there, I'm not sure how it would have felt to watch on TV alone. Looking at Twitter, the overall feeling was rushed, but I've sat through finals that have been too long, too.
OK, so there were some token throwback highlights at the start, including C4 stuff. We were screaming for Kinga! I note the prick in tinfoil also got shown, and even Aaron Allard Morgan!
First up, let me clarify, I have never 'whoop whoop'ed in my life and never will. I feel like that's important to state.
It's mad to think Big Brother started in the year 2000, when I was 20! I remember it like it was yesterday, specifically the Nasty Nick times. We had a Nasty Nick shrine, FFS. It's no wonder I've never grown up, maybe I've just been stuck being 20 since then. It would explain a lot.
Emma IMO did not look that emotional, but I'm not keen on her anyway. I thought her velveteen robe dress made her look a bit Cruella De Ville too. See how she said, 'Quite possibly the last champion'. They have been saying shit like this the whole way.
OMG I totally heard Lewis (my friend Lewis, not Lewis F) shout 'Netflix' as to what the future holds for Big Brother, ha and Emma giggled.
Emma saying 'time is most definitely not on our side' = C5 shade. The eviction outfits aren't great, I must say. We've seen them all before. Zoe looked the best, Akeem just looked like he had his work shirt on. I was surprised they had to do a two by two eviction on the final night but it was the right two to go first. Cian was fourth and Zoe was third. She seemed very happy to be going with Cian. When you're there, you can't hear a word they say in their interviews, so I was interested to see this.
Ugh I hate Emma's hair so much (might as well say it for the last time). Blonde does not suit her and nor does the Donald Trump bouffant. She used to have the coolest short hair when it was dark and slick. FAIL.
Wow, there was 1% between Zoe and Cian! Not surprising, they are replacement level housemates. He is bit fake and a bit of a buttkiss, whereas she's real, but a misery guts.
Not much of interest in their interview, Cian was a bad friend, Zoe has periods.
Was interesting when Emma told them it was the last ever series and Zoe went 'flipping heck.' That made me sad.
Ooh the housemates going in to The Killers. How GOOD does Lewis look giving that peace sign, DAMN. Btw, shout out to Sian's red hair, it looked fabulous. Nice to see all these clips of Lewis. Criminal he wasn't there because of a joke (admittedly a really bad taste joke). Still gutted we were denied his best bits and interview. I paid good money to keep him in this house. Mind you, this highlights package is pretty Lewis heavy. At this point in the crowd we were SCREAMING 'I've got soul but I'm not a soldier!' (Ooh, I just found a good fanmade Lewis best bits on YouTube)
That was actually a really good clips package of the entire series Big Brother did there.
Why they gave Lewis G the airtime to promote his single, I don't know, but I enjoyed chanting 'off' and 'who are ya.' Disgusting to see Hussain there and not have Lewis there. Yuck. The only clothing line Hussain will be bringing out is in his mum's back garden (sorry if someone already did that joke on Twitter, I haven't looked that far down yet!)
Cameron was shaking like a shitting dog waiting for that announcement. Well done mate, great gameplan. Now fix up your YouTube if you've learnt anything in the house. Hopefully it's that equality isn't being allowed to punch women in the face and coming out (one of the times) by calling yourself 'bent' isn't a great look. 
I voted for Akeem to win, but I wasn't bothered about him coming second. He was a nice guy but he's no Lewis. His best bit was probably when his dog went in. Doing the two thumbs up for the photographers too, dearie me. That is so Akeem.
Lol at Emma saying Akeem gave it 110%. Emma: 'You have been phenomenal' to Akeem and him going 'I have.' Ha! Bold.
Ah, Akeem seems quite emotional in his interview! Emma telling him his parents are on holiday, ha.
Akeem: 'I do a lot of training and delivery for my job.' No shit!
The most exciting thing about Cameron winning was seeing Tony Dadley walk right by me in the audience. I booed and tried to get me giving him the thumbs down on camera but I'm too short! Haha.
Tony Dadley going, 'Do you know what you've done?' If the answer is, 'Played the idiot general public?' The answer, I'm pretty sure is, yes.
Cameron: 'I thought I was going to be irritating, annoying, I moan a lot..' Weeellll. Emma right up his arse. Well, we know she's a misogynist too (just ask Hazel). It's just 'his storm'. Like going 'Kill all Jews' was just Lewis's storm another year. Funny how it works, isn't it.
Don't get me wrong, I actually think Cameron was a good housemate, and an interesting and entertaining one. The only downside is his previous behaviour, blatant gameplaying (coming out three times, please) and fake storylining (seeing a ghost, for example). But he was good to watch and bitch about. There, I said it. I hope he has learnt something, I really do and I hope he doesn't spend 100 grand on Brexit stickers and Trump colouring books.
I'm glad Emma actually ackknowledged Lewis's existence in Cameron's interview and the importance of their friendship.
Emma going 'You have won Big Brother not Lewis'. Yet he would have had he been there.
Cameron had only come out to five people before (and Twitter). This crap that he never planned to come out in the house is one of the most bullshit things I've ever heard. Don't insult my intelligence.
Emma telling Cameron he won the last Big Brother. He genuinely looked upset. Yes, genuine emotion at last !
Was amazed Emma mentioned Davina and Brian at the end. Brian! First bit of respect he's been shown in a while.
Oh Emma did actually look upset at the end there. When she said 'it's time for this house to find a new home' you can hear Gaz scream, haha. Apparently they're demolishing it this week. Rubbish.
I feel they could have done more with the end. The voices bit is a good call back but could have gone on for a few more minutes.
'Big Brother will get back to you' - well, you'd better. I had to cuddle several weeping grown men at that point, you don't know what you've done, Big Brother!
I just watched a BBBOTS too and Emma and Rylan's emotions seemed very real. I actually blubbed. They are right that it seemed like the most Big Brother series for ages. The production values were on point, and the tasks were fantastic.
I think you'll find BBBOTS was Russell Brand's baby though, let's be real. Big Mouth was so fucking good.
Cameron in his BBBOTS interview on coming out: 'I couldn't have written it any better.' That's because you did write it, duh.
Wow to Rylan saying 'Me, Marcus and Emma will make sure Big Brother will get back to you.' Strong words! Yet why all the tears then? It's hell to hope. 
So will I do with my evenings now? Wait for CBBUS? Watch old BBUKs (must be time to do a new 'Blast from the past' episode... even if it is BBUK4, eek)? Have a social life?
To all my BB fam, I know we'll stay talking. I've genuinely made some of the best friends I have from people I've met, to people I haven't, who live an ocean away. It's the way we met and our common connection, but we will be friends regardless. We've been lucky to have the show for 18 years, nearly half my life. We'll be lucky if it comes back. And if it doesn't? We've got each other.

 -----

PS: Keep listening to BB on Blast! We'll cover US and Canada. Send in any bbuk finale feedback to bbonblastpod@gmail.com before Friday. Love you!

Big Brother UK 2016: Hughie goes? (Fuck) you (who) decide(d)

Soz for brevity, I'm on the iPad again. Emma looks like Miss Haversham. Why so dowdy? Why is Evelyn getting booed? Oh because she's a woman. Hughie cheers! Yes! I'm voting Hughie. Jackson got cheers too. 

Where is Marco/ Andrew and the twins? I miss when the old housemates used to strut down the stage. I guess there's too many now. 

Jason has smiled more in the past 6 weeks than he has in the past few years. He should tell his face. 

Why are they bothering to 'interview' Sam and Alex? Who gives a fuck. 'No ones seen us.' Cos you're shit. Alex getting lightly grilled on Evelyn. 'Mugging a bird off'. Charming. You did, by the way, mug her off. Hope the funeral eulogy is worth it. Also, those shoes. 

Bet the two women go in the two by two eviction. I knew it! Jayne and Evelyn both look lovely. Four men in the final! That is some bullshit. Sexist dicks. At least people didn't boo when they came out. I think. 

Emma's like 'there there ladies for making it to the final'. 5th and 6th place. Not that great, is it? Jayne and Nikki need a spin off show. 

Emma is not letting Evelyn speak. Evelyn still thinks Alex is genuine. Seriously. Did they ever even snog? Ah, Jayne's best bits were good. Top DRs. 

OMG I wish I'd voted for Andy now. He didn't deserve to go out in fourth. CHVRCHES for his eviction song. Cool. How did Jackson and Jason get more votes? Will no one think of Lateysha? 

Emma: 'There's half a percent between the top two.' That old chestnut!

Andy missed high brow conversations in the house, like that time he was in that lift with Lady Gaga. What a snob. I note the rat is there to greet him. 

Hughie looks orange, Jackson looks 80s and Jason looks like he's going to a wedding. 

Omg Jackson out next. Imagine if Jason wins? Emma says there's half a percent in it. Do you believe her? I've voted twice. Don't think I can do much more. 

In a way I half admire Jackson's 'extra an mid-80s Madonna video' style. Georgina looks ropey, to be honest. I like the way Jackson spoke about her. Even if it's just magazine-deal-itis, it's nice to ha someone speak about you like that (I'd imagine). 

Seriously, how did Jason win! Hughie would have been SUCH a good winner. Would have been so fun. He's such a lush person. He was ROBBED! Sooooo depressing. 

Hughie: 'If I'm honest, I don't think one person thought he was going to win.' Haaaa! 

Aw Ryan. Ha, his tattoo. Lol. Omg when Hughie said he wanted to make a go of it with Ryan I cried. I haven't felt this optimistic about a BB showmance since Steph and Jeremy. Oh...

Your winner.... Jason! All that gameplanning finally paid off. Has anyone taken a look at Charlie's phone bill? So the lesson here is steal 20k off people and you win? What's the moral of that story? Who actually voted for Jason? Was it Chelsea? It's like Brexit all over again: it makes NO FUCKING SENSE. 

We never, ever get the winner we deserve. 

PS: Big Brother Bile is on hiatus but enjoy FRANKIE GRANDE in the Big Brother house. We've got podcasts galore about that cunt. It's been a shit 2016 and so far, this has been the icing on the cake (Jason winning, not Frankie Grande, who I'm sure I'll enjoy seeing befriending Biggins.) 

I'll be back when I've got a new laptop. Cheers for reading. 

Celebrity Big Brother 2015 Live Final: Jor-done it

So here we are, D day. Or should that be E day? Or F day? No don't mention the F word. And still I'm wondering; how the hell did Perez get the boot on Weds? I know he had a lot of haters, but Calum STD Best got more votes than him? How so? And don't give me that teenage girl vote bullshit. No self respecting teenage girl would fancy a man with a toupee and a face like a jacket potato. Not to mention those mainstream trainers.
So tell me, who is there to vote for now, who is there to root for? I am not voting for ANYONE. It's a choice between fencesitters and cunts, and I can't bring myself to take either side (although, natually, I'm more of a cunt.) It's obvious Katie Hopkins will win, as the idiotgeneralpublic (t.m.) think she's changed, or because she pretends to cry, she's human or some bullshit. All I can hope for is a Cheggers/Jordan final two. And how boring would that be?
I PRAY Michelle Visage gets chucked out first and gets the Janice Battersby two-by-two exit. I was so upset that she beat Perez, but she was obviously thrilled to see two gay men go in one night, so she could get to the final and speak for them. When Perez called her out on her LGBT bullshit it was a joy and it really upset her, which proved he had a point.
The way Perez was treated in the house was terrible (James Jordan and Jim Davidson were the final insult), and his revelations about production said it all (the Ted files). Anyway, him being evicted on Weds ruined tonight and what would have been a good battle of evil against (fake) evil at the end. Now we have people who've barely spoken against one person who's just a nasty piece of work.
I liked Cheggers '10ps down the phone box' comment. I also liked Katie Hopkins 'kicked out of a care home' comment. 
Why no ex-housemates walking out on the stage? Boo. Oh probably because of the boos.
Jordan has to go see Dr Ottoman for a boob feel. Katie telling her to leave! Hilarious. No hidden agenda there. Not at all! No one resents Jordan for coming in late, just for not kicking Katie Hopkins arse. OMG Katie Hopkins, Visage and Calum having a go at her. Transparent or what. Bad gameplay at the end. Do they think we're dumb?
No final dinner can ever compare to Spencer and Heidi's 'my England, my kryptonite.' Legacy.
No two by two? 'Get Hopkins out'. Woo! 
Michelle is out! Beaten by Queen Jordan! That will teach you. Should have picked your friends better. PS: The LGBT community want their acronym back.
Emma saying to Michelle that she's 'very likeable.' She's about as likeable as Emma. Props for the Leo Sayer reference, though.
Hold on, what the fuck is Emma wearing! How did I just notice that?
Is Perez crying at Michelle slagging him off? Oh, the drama. Going on about 'the gays' again. They're not puppies. It's dehumanising. Also, why is Hopkins not allowed to talk to Perez? Is Michelle the mafia? Get out. The UK doesn't like you back.
Cheggers out next. He also looks disappointed. What's the opposite of wahey? He's giving it the two thumbs up for his photo, you've got to respect that. Then crying like a baby. Thought he was always happy! Lies.
Cheggers loves his wife, I dunno if you've heard. I like the bits where they showed him shouting at people. Those were his best moments. He's right about the acting in the house, too.
Kavana is flipping the bird at Cheggers, what the fuck? The indignity! I like the fact Cheggers refered to him as a 'fellow alcoholic.' Cheggers has washed his hands of Perez. Well, he does enjoy cleaning. Cheggers is getting the wub wubs on his best bits. Standard. Keith is allowed to tell other people to fuck off in his highlights, I see. Hypocrisy!
Calum out next. Hurrah! Pack up your hair piece, your mainstream trainers and get back to your PAs. He'll no doubt be shagging some random in a toilet before the night is out. Nothing interesting to say except bashing Perez. Yawn. I'm glad 'shove it up your arse' made his best bits.
The final two is a total hair or scare. The battle of the bouffants. LOL Jordan went in, did fuck all and won it. Sweet. I cracked and voted for her and Cheggers, too. Tee hee. Hopkins can go back to being a panto villian. Booooo!
Hopkins interview all about Perez, too. 'I don't like people picking on people...' Unless it's me, should have been the end of that sentence. I'm glad she admitted she liked having a sparring partner. Going on about Switzerland again. I'd rather be Switzerland than Cuntworld.
Emma thinks Katie has been phenomenal. Alright then. And that dress you're wearing is flattering.
Jordan is a gibbering wreck. Little does she know she just benefitted from the anti-Hopkins vote.
The Jeggers alliance was triumphant. Hold on, why has Nadia got headphones in?
All Jeggers did was talk about horses, ha. Jordan hopes Michelle hasn't been bitchy about her. Er... oh well. Alex Reid won't be happy. And Pete the Parent will be livid!
One things for sure, there's only one thing we'll remember about this series and he rode the fun train out of there on Wednesday.
Thanks for reading. PS: The bilecast will be out on Sunday. Stay tuned! 

Orange unsigned act final

I'm writing this on my iphone as the generosity of laptop lending on the part of my boyfriend extended to the celeb big brother final and no more. So forgive me for any brevity and schoolgirl errors. Oh and don't EVER buy anything from PC World. But you knew that anyway.
So here we are, and i have this niggling feeling tommy aint gonna win. He just seems like he couldn't win a popular vote. But we'll see.
Alex James mentioning cheese! Check.
The first scarlet harlots song sounded like a right fucking din! Lauren does come off a but stiff on this show, doesn't she? Shame cos I love her on the radio and the culture show.
Mcfly (sorry, I mean Hip Parade) did their usual shouty schtick. Zzzz if they win.
Today they'd covered up tommy's spots which made him look weird and a bit prosthetic. Embrace your flaws! Has he got mascara on?
OMG they MURDERED that Scarlot Harlots song in the studio. They sucked the life right out of it. It sounded like their batteries had run out.
Hip Parade did their second impression of the day; this time The Subways, another faux-rock band that felches off a genuine scene. The judges are showing their age bigging up such radio friendly nonsense.
I was a bit nervous they were going to put a childrens choir or something on tommy's song. But they didn't, so yay.
Amanda ghost said tommy should make his songs easier to understand. How much easier could it be? Perhaps he should rename it 'Gis a call-LOL!' for the really braindead. Honestly, where would Morrissey be if he'd decided to patronise his audience like that? 'Meat is Murder but chicken nuggets taste ace, m8!'
Talking of which, Lily Allens lyrics are deplorable.
Wowee Tommy won! I'm really pleased. Was it down to the foundation? No It's all down to me, obviously!
Phone blogging: I'm just so painfully committed to the sound of my own bullshit.

Orange Unsigned Act: The Interviews

This week I interviewed the Orange Unsigned Act contestants... tonight's installments comes from the bands; Scarlet Harlots and Hip Parade. Enjoy!

Rob from Hip Parade:

1. Who's the best ginger in Eastenders, Bradley or Max?
well Bradley, cos Max is evil! (Max is the dad, yeah?)

2. Have any of you ever worn a dress? How did you look? If not, do you fancy it? Ive not, no... I dont have the legs for it!

3. Have you seen the Loch Ness Monster?
Yes.

4. What does a Hip Parade involve?
Ringing ears, pizza, Irn Bru and lack of sleep!

5. Do you think you can win the show? Will you win it?
We need to win it to get out of our boring day jobs!! We have done all we can to prove ourselves in the show. Its now in the hands of the public!

Tom from Scarlet Harlots:

1. What other colour harlots do you like?
Just as Will Smith said in his heavy 90's tune Miami; '...Real sweet faces, every different nation, Spanish, Hatian, Indian, Jamaican, Black, White, Cuban and Asian." If you're a Harlot, you're in!'

2. Would you rather have a cheese supper with Alex James or a years supply of Dairylea lunchables?
Dairylea. Next question.

3. Have any of you got recognised yet? What happened?
Geoff gets recognised regularly. Some (lovely) girl ran across the road screaming things at him in London the other week, almost at her peril, as the traffic was peaking. A conversation ended with the girl complimenting the whole Scarlet Harlots vibe, so all was good.

4. Is there a Yoko Ono figure in the Scarlet Harlots' story?
Yoko Ono's Flux film offerings were pretty wafty in all honesty! If you're asking about intense female characters in the Harlot hareem, then yes is the answer, but they're there for the right reason!

5. Do you think you can win the show? Will you win it?
We can win the show if people are feeling us. There's way more to us than what you see on stage and your TV. The Harlot bug is spreading and if web numbers are anything to go by, we should make it to the final.

Orange Unsigned Act: Not a catchy name for a show.

How about the Alt. Factor? Indie Idol? I suppose they wanted to squeeze 'orange' in. (That was almost a joke)

FYI: Have I mentioned I like Tommy Reilly? Jo Wiley's face is highly amusing in this. I think she's whispering in that guy's ear that she's got the hots for him.


">

I also like Bo Bruce, her voice is lush:


">

This blog was sponsored by lightupvirginmary being a ligger. It's all downhill from here, I'll be singing the praises of Michelle Heaton next week if someone gives me 50p and a sausage sandwich. (Don't tell MOZZY!)

The Apprentice: Final

'I'm not conflicting against you' sounds like the kind of thing Alex from BB would say. i.e. moronspeak!
So Lee and Claire invented a man's scent called 'Roulette' which was the height of tackiness. Apparently it was for the kind of man who 'waxes his balls'. A masochistic knob-end then. For some reason Lee got confused and thought he was making a porno instead of an advert for the perfume, 'Look into his eyes... you've wanted him for years... feel your lips move towards him'. Christ. I felt like I needed a cold shower after all that. So yeah, basically Lee buggered it up royally.
Helene also folded under the pressure, becoming increasingly grumpy and useless. Alex actually did alright despite appearing confused between what a Duel is and what Dual means. For some reason they didn't show Claire for the first half hour then she came out and said her perfume had 'sensual animal notes'. Eh? That can't be a good thing whatever way you look at it.
Alex should have admitted he didn't design the bottle! It made him sound like a right snake when he ducked out of it. But they STILL should have won the task, people were openly laughing at the roulette product. It's a stitch up! STITCH UP! Sugarlumps wanted Claire to win from the start. I wrote this sentence before she even won because it was so BLATANT.
Oh. Ok then, Lee won but he shouldn't have, he sucked! Back to reverse pterodactyl school for him. Booo. I actually warmed to Claire in the end. But she's still smug as a bug in a rug.

American Idol: It could have been me

Here's how to lose HOURS of your life, and you'll never get them back, NEVER! So the final promised to be OK, i.e. both of the contestants could sing, which was a plus. It was a fight between Foetus Archulleta & Designer Stubble Cook. Ryan Seacrest had even put on his guyliner especially, and later he shared it with both the Davids, which was very kind.
In the first round, Frank Butcher forced David Cook to sing U2, which I thought he did quite well actually. It seemed unlikely some weeks back that fish-face David Cook would get so far but he's an OK singer, just utterly uncredible as a rock singer. His second song was pure Avril Lavinge. Pre-pubescent David Archuletta (what an anchor) seemed utterly certain to win, getting the thumbs up all night long.
They both sang loads of shit no one had ever heard of, which is quite rubbish for the final really, the self-indulgent prinks. But in the final round Archuletta pulled it out of the bag, singing Imagine, probably one of the most loved songs of all time (except for me, I hate it). But Cooky squeezed out the tears and smudged his make-up, so that probably got the mum vote.
Paula managed to not turn up drunk for once (a minor miracle) but she did say 'you're standing in your truth' which was rather ridiculous. Randy was really in default mode though; 'molten hot'- check, 'you could sing the phone book'-check, you could just pull a string at the side of him and have him say this rubbish whilst he eats his way to his next lapband (aw I don't mean it, I love Randy in his little red coat, I like it when he goes 'booooo' at Simon).
Now, what IS it with US TV and their product placement? The BBUSA thing was bad enough, but this was beyond a joke plugging that GODAWFUL- looking Mike Myers film. Ben Stiller and Jack Black can just die painfully. It's like they force the contestants to watch it and laugh whilst pointing a gun at their heads. It's an insult to anyone's intelligence.
The results show was beyond a joke, two hours for something that could, realistically, take ten seconds. It felt longer than childbirth. The medleys, the past contestants, the desperate stars rolled out to flog their albums. You COULD NOT get away with this shit on the X Factor, there'd be a revolution.
Seal, for example. Where did they dig him up from? Is he credible now? How did that happen? He's quite buff now, isn't he? He looked like a black Grant Mitchell.
More medleys. Donna Summer in a fright wig. Michael Johns and Carly the tattooed lady made me laugh loads. Bryan Adams. Zed Zed Top. Some USA McFly.
Then came the crowning glory: England's favourite stoner and cottager extraordinaire, George Michael. He must have run out of weed money. I was just thinking how ropey and skinny he looked in his Bono sunglasses when my mum rang up and went, 'He's gorgeous! I've never fancied anyone so much since Elvis. It's a shame he's gay.' That song Praying For Time reminds me SO much of being young, listening to my mum playing that record over and over, that and Status Quo, anyway.
And so here it was, and it was a Will Young/ Gareth Gates style shocker. Old Cooky won by twelve million votes, even after the judges had declared Archuletta the Second Coming. Archuletta's face didn't fall quit as much as I'd hoped, but it was quite amusing hearing Fishy singing his way through this lame pop song that was clearly written for Archuletta. It was like Rhydian losing to Leon all over again! I like it though, I do like the underdog, it has to be said.
So that's it. God bless America and more importantly, Simon fucking Cowell. He still owns us all, and that's that.
Oh yeah, a side note on The Apprentice: I was soooo fucked off Raef went, he was class and a half. I fell asleep halfway through watching it after The Whitest Boy Alive gig and I just woke up as Mrs Tiggywinkle went 'You're fired!' and I couldn't believe my ears. Raef and his DiCaprio-esque advert rocked the casbah. It's all shit from now on. Sob! I guess Michael to win just for comedy value, or Alex for eye-candy value, although I've totally gone off him. It was all about Raef. Old Sugar always fucks it up though, the bozo.
PS. I saw a Big Brother advert today! Exciting!

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack Final

Aw it was quite sad tonight when it was Dermot 'Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah' O' Leary's final BBLB. We've grown up watching BB and BBLB! OK, I was about 20 or so when it first started but I'm still growing up! I don't care if I'm already 27 and should be well grown up by now. Big Brother was as important as Britpop in it's day. Yeah it's died a death but that's the producers fault. The public still want it to be great. Dermot looked sexy back in the day! He's like a weathered little midget now. Bless.
Not sure at all about the whole Dermot doing the interviews from inside the house set up. It didn't really give the others the opportunity to speak their mind. And he interviewed John and Emelia before he told them who'd won! That was just weird. Don't meddle! They will never learn. Ever!
People left in an odd order. I was pleased to see Nathan out 6th (nice guys do finish last), followed by Jeremy, 5th. Anthony was a BIG shock going out at 4th- serves him right for being a dick all week. He looked shocked too. Haha. Amy was 3rd but she should have won! I loved the fact Emilia was in 2nd place and still getting booed. I love the fact she got to 2nd place. I do kind of want her and Jeremy to get it on. Jeremy is a funny little thing.
And so John, the ginger hunch-backed giant won. Why? What does this say about the kids of today? I think what it probably says is 'they aren't watching this' or 'nobody voted'. John was a bit pompous, a bit sanctimonious, a bit grumpy. I can only presume he sailed through due to the opening night prank. But christ. Get over it. Nathan and Anthony were dull but pretty. But the girls were the most interesting thing about this BB- girls who didn't take their tops off, and didn't sell their stories.
It's a shame no one watched this because there was something quite lovely and non-bimbo/wannabe filled about it. There were some fresh ideas which hopefully they will carry through to the main BB this year.
Please someone watch it in the summer, for fuck's sake. We've still got some growing up to do yet.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Final Eve

Big Brother should have ended on Friday really. These last two days feel like no mans land. Danielle was crying for herself? No kidding. She even admitted it. Jack's hugging of her looked more authentic than of Jade, but then she always did seem a bit frosty towards him.
Dirk looked happy to stay and even admitted it would be 'kinda cool' to win it. He's done more than Jermaine and Shilpa, who have played it well but safe.
Tomorrow should be interesting. How will they cram in SIX interviews? Jack's will only take 30 seconds admittedly. They didn't even show his wank on the highlights!
Six bottles of beer on the wall, six bottles of beer... oh, it's all very tiring and slightly inconsequential. Hey ho.