American Feeble (Blowtown week)

I was already mad about watching this, now Seacrest announces it's Mowtown week? Fuck a duck. This is getting as arduous as Eastenders. This show has gone down the dumper, big time. That USA X Factor better be BLOODY GOOD.
Woah! Jlo's blue eyeshadow up to her eyebrows and a sugar pink glittery dress. Did her toddlers dress her tonight?
Casey. Last week he murdered Nirvana. This week: hopefully Steven Tyler. When are they going to shave his revolting ginger beard off? It's getting as hard to shift as Matt Cardle's hat. I can't STAND Heard it Through the Grapevine (obviously) but I thought he did a decent version. He's probably in my top three (which doesn't say much for this rabble).
Thea. Next. Steven Tyler might as well sit there and go 'oooooooooowwwwww!' because his comments are total dogshit.
Jacob. I HATE his style of oversinging. I think he is AWFUL. He would be crucified on our XFactor. It bugs me when they say he's so good, and there's just something so SMUG about him. UGH. Adam Lambert seems like he came from the future when I watch how regressive this dude is. In fact, how regressive this whole show has gone.
Talking of smug, up next is Lauren, who is the dictionary definition of precocious. She gets right on my wick as she obviously thinks she's the shit as well. Well, you aint. You're just shit. Stop wiggling your head around like the Churchill dog. JLo just said she looked great, and the little upstart didn't even say 'ta'.
I like Stefano, but he's just so AVERAGE. I expect him to go out every single week. Oh Lord, he's MURDERING 'Hello'. Really duff.
Wow, I just noticed JLo's blusher. Less is more, Jlo, less is more. NB. The other day I woke up with the song 'Jenny from the Block' stuck in my head, and it didn't go for at least half an hour. DON'T LIKE.
Gordon Ramsay is in he audience! Sexist, cheating cunt. Let's all applaud him.
Hayley. Who is she? I don't feel like I've even seen her before. What have they dressed her as? She looks like she's in a Robert Palmer video.
Randy just said 'yo' at the end of a sentence! *pine for Jessie*
I think Ryan Seacrest must miss the sexually-charged banter with Simon. Maybe he should start picking on/fucking Steve Tyler.
Scotty! OMG I hate him! ONE TRICK PONY. And it's a pony we'd put down in this country. His face makes me want to throw up, he looks like one of Harry Hill's creepy puppets.
Pia. Well at least she looks good, and this song is listenable. Hmm, maybe it isn't.
Ah, here he is, my lovely little beardy thing. Paul with the movie-star teeth. He always looks like he's a bit stoned. AND he's doing a good song! Ah, he really is a breath of fresh air on this show. He's 4REALZ! No doubt he'll be leaving any week soon.
And he said 'what's going on, yo?' Jessie times! I actually just turned UP my TV. That's unheard of whilst watching this. He's doing Tracks of My Tears. He makes me smile! He's got backing singers doing the high notes. I love it. He's wonderfully shambolic. He's got charisma. I think I'm falling for him a bit, even though he's not sexy.
Oh God, Naima died on her feet last week. I really want her to do well because she's quirky, but she's not very good. SORRY! (as Simon Cowell would say). Wow, those trousers are something else though. I like her bangles. Her dancing was mental. LOL they did a Harry Hill ending 'DANCINGINTHESTREETS!' That's the second time I've mentioned Harry Hill in one blog. HARRYHILL!
James. I feel like I should like him but I don't. I find him quite boring. His voice grates on me a bit, too.
So that's it. And I watched 2 hours of that in about 40 minutes. Score.
Just watched the results show in about ten. I will not comment on Stevie Wonder or Hulk Hogan. Casey's out! Curse of being on first, dog. He was actually one of the only decent ones. Well done America, you brainiacs. Ah, the judges used their wildcard on him. One save of the season! Better hope Paul don't get in that bottom two. Casey looked like he was going to have a heart attack. Aw, bless. How cute! That was mega cute. His parents are the cutest thing on the planet, too.
But that also means tonight was ALL FOR NOTHING.
BTW I'm going on my hols to Spain for a week now, so let me know if I miss anything good on TV.

American Idol: Blogging a dead horse

Got a spare six hours per week? Then why not get into past-its-best singing competition American Idol! Honestly, I've been slogging through these episodes for three days now. I wouldn't mind, but the singing is AWFUL. The songs are old fashioned, the judges are anodyne. JLo is so fluffy and banal she's now making Randy look like he's got teeth. She's the most repetitive judge since Louis 'kids will love them' Walsh. Steven (wooooooooooooo!) Tyler looks like he's waiting for Liv to come pick him up from the nursing home. Randy seems to be the only one who knows what he's talking about. RANDY, DAWG. I still want to lick his face.
I'm now watching the two-hour RESULTS show, results that would only take all of ten minutes for someone with brain-damage to read out. Ryan Seacrest performs this marvel in 120 minutes! No further comment is needed.
I like ONE of the boys, beardy bloke in the white suit (I'll take his name down later). The only girl I like (little goth geek thing) was the ONLY thing Jennifer Lopez saw fit to slag off, so I guess she's not getting through tonight. AMERICA.
Country dude with the deep voice makes me thank GOD (who doesn't exist) I wasn't born in the USA so I don't have to suffer the effrontery that is country music. We don't stand for that bullshit. Take your cattle and your straw and SHUT IT.
OMG that black girl that did Rhianna! It made nails down a blackboard sound like pan pipes. That girl with the dreds who they put in a yellow flamenco outfit! It's like they're about 15 years behind us for fashion and culture. Or the stylist is just really fucked in the head.
WTF is this talking heads bit about? FILLER! FILLER FILLER FILLER.
I kind of like this gobliny looking guy, too. So I guess he's not getting through, either.
There's no tension in this results show (so far) because even if they didn't make it, the judges have a certain amount of wildcards they can put through. So when people are being told they haven't made it, it's completely pointless. They should have kept that bit a secret and then maybe I'd have cared about the first 90 minutes of this excrement.
This bit where Ryan Seacrest tells us AGAIN what the judges said yesterday is TEDIOUS. It's like someone talking me through what I saw in Eastenders last night. I KNOW. I SAW IT. It was bad enough the first time.
Paul is the dude I like in the white suit with the roses. I also like ginger afro dude actually. Hope they both get through.
That falsetto bloke doesn't do much for me either, he's no Adam Lambert and they're selling him like he's amazing. That cutesy girl gets on my wick, too. You know the one. Long blonde hair. Smug.
Wild cards! This black girl is good. I like Stefano, too. Hope he gets in.
They're not even telling us how many wildcards they're putting through! Let me guess why. Cos they're making it up as they go along? Are they going to put all of them through? That would be some premium-grade flim flam.
Sod Giovanni! What about ginger afro kid? BAD IDOL.
My little goth is out! Boos. Why does dreadlock girl keep doing these dreadful songs (ah!) I like her but they're making her so old fashioned. Simon wouldn't have put up with this BS.
Yeah put Robbie through! He's my little goblin. He's got a really strong voice (yet he is murdering this Elton John song). Still miffed about ginger dude, though.
Whilst the judges deliberate let's listen to Jennifer Lopez's rubbish new single with... is that Brian Harvey? She's a bit old for all this frippery, in my opinion. She does look good, though. She's got a nice orange glow about her. Like she's been eating Ready Brek. Nice that she's hawking her wares whilst deciding on people's future, isn't it? Sensitive lady, our Jenny from the block (of gold).
The final ten looked so pleased to see Ashthon (her parents' spelling) get through. Positively thrilled!
Aw, Stefano. He's a sweetie. WOT, no Robbie? FAIL.
UGH. I'm left with a bad feeling in tummy. At least Simon was knowingly cruel. This is cruel pretending to be something else. And worse: it's not that entertaining. I await the US X Factor with curiosity (and expectation) and bile all stored up in my fingertips. I'm ready!

American Idol : now with 100% less Simon

Well, I think Puff Daddy and Justin Grimberlake would have been preferable to Jenny from the block and Liv Tyler's dad. Where's the grit? At least Randy's still there. Love Randy. What happened to Kara Doobedodah? I actually really liked her. Ellen was fucking useless, though.
Ryan Seacrest wants us to usher in a new 'error' of American Idol. The error is the judging panel, unfortunately. If they're going to go for dullards, Katy Perry would have been preferable. But how about some people with spunk? Courtney Love, Quentin Tarantino- even Kelly Osbourne would have been better.
I do think three is the right number of judges, though. Four is stupid number to have. Three is just so. Three is democratic.
Steve Tyler looks like a Who from Whoville. Stop shrieking, you freak. At least he's looking for a rocker, I suppose, even if it is in the wrong place.
JLo strikes me as mega fake; she's not really a nice person is she? Alright, I'll give her one chance. ONE.
I'm actually not really in the mood for this tonight. I've got a headache, I'm stressed and pissed off. Not sure I'm going to make the whole two hours.
Steve Tyler is so annoying- why is he singing along with everyone?
Ooh just noticed, Randy's skinny again. Gastric band? Hmm, no his face is skinny, but his body is fat. Ah, whatevs, I still want to lick his face.
JLo's skin is lacquered with gold leaf, applied at night by browbeaten elves. I don't like the way she's running the show. I miss Simon's cheekiness. Everyone's being so NICE. They need someone bitchy on there.
Also, I know it's early days, but there's no chemistry between these judges. Randy and Simon were clearly good mates. It feels like these three could be judging in different rooms; they're not bouncing off each other at all.
I think they just had two adverts in the space of about five minutes. Glad I'm watching this minus the adverts. But at least Steven and Randy are giving each other high fives now.
I don't think I even have anything to say about the contestants. It's not really about them, is it?!
OK I did an hour and twenty. I need a lie down. What can I say? I'm distinctly average. RIP.

American Idol: The Final

Well, what do you know? The right two went through to the final and pretty-boy Barbie Casey James was sent on his way, probably off to advertise T-shirts or something. So we can't see an injustice like last year, when slack-jawed monkey-face inexplicably beat the dazzling Adam Lambert. I genuinely like both Lee and Crystal. I suppose Crystal deserves to win, for her raw talent. But Lee has a really good voice. I like it when he goes a bit flat and gets away with it. Oh Christ, are they singing songs they've sung before? That's such a cop out. There's enough songs in the world that they could learn a new one.
Ooh second round Lee is doing Everybody Hurts. It sounds a bit... grating. And there was a Stars in Your Eyes ending (just repeat title very fast). Is Crystal going to walk this? I think Lee IS nervous. And who wouldn't be up against Crystal? But does any of it really matter anyway? Even the runners up make buckets out of the show over there. If Chico had been on Idol he'd be on his fourth album by now.
Not sure who put Crystal in that dress for Black Velvet, but they must REALLY like Lee DeWyze. She is a little frumpy, but who gives a fuck? She's walking this thing, and rightly so.
And it's Simon's last Idol. What does this mean for the show? Surely it's all over. I can't see how it could survive without him, and with the competition of the X Factor USA. Ryan must be quaking in his loafers. No wonder he's been such a tool all series.
So what song will they give them as the single? This is always the test of who they want to actually win. It's mildly offensive to make them sing a cover when they are obviously both decent songwriters themselves.
Urgh Lee sounds flat on this U2 song too (and not in the good way). This is probably only U2 song I can halfway bear. Aw he looks like he's going to cry. I'm not surprised. He's getting trounced. But this is Idol. The voters could vote the wrong way. I wouldn't put it past them.
I don't know what this song is that Crystal is singing. I feel sad for Randy. I don't want him to be cast asunder on the wasteland of Idol.
I liked Crystal humbly wishing Simon luck on his future endeavours. I liked her bad jokes that no one was laughing at. She just seems like a decent person. And it didn't even seem close tonight.
OK, 2nd show. How can they string this out for two hours? I admire their gall. Why have they dressed them up like schoolkids? Creepy!
OMG Alice Cooper. OMG monkey-face. Come back and finish the job, Adam Lambert.
Medley mania. Fast forward.
Ricky Gervais has gone the same way in my mind as Russell Brand; sold to an audience that doesn't understand him, losing all credibility. I'm sure they're both gutted they've lost my respect.
Oh Christ, Alanis Morrisette singing 'You Oughta Know' with Crystal! It's like karaoke night. Please, let me never hear this song again. Ever.
Wow, that Ford advert was really moving. Brought a tear to my eye.
I hope Simon gives Paula a job on X Factor. I didn't miss her until she'd gone.
All this Simon eulogising is a bit much. I feel like the Queen's died.
Wow, Kelly Clarkson looks 40! Will we ever find out this blasted result?
Here's the official envelope! Bring it. OH MY GOD. AGAIN! AGAIN AMERICA YOU DISAPPOINT ME. PATHETIC.
If you're a white, straight man, it doesn't matter. It's in the bag. Crystal, go and release your own music. Simon doesn't deserve your proceeds.
Lee, you should be singing Lemon by U2. Crystal woz robbed.

American Idol: Exitainment Gives Back (Alicia Keys)

Hiya, sorry for the lack of bloggles, I've been having a few technical problems (with my life). And my TV actually. But that's no excuse. So here's a late Idol blog for you.
It's nicer watching Idol on a torrent than on ITV2 because it's obviously in HD and everything looks like it's been painted with chrome (including Ryan Seacrest's face).
What's the first thing you think when you hear the words 'Alicia Keys'? Ryan reckons 'Philanthropy, generosity and musicianship'. He says tomato, I say, cunt. I think of her on a telephone, and more latterly, her with Jack White, another pretentious, humourless Yank-bore. So anyway, it's great that she's the mentor this week.
Argh, I just want to slap her. She's just so gratuitously smug she makes Mariah Carey look self-effacing. And just to add to the smugfest, it's 'Idol Gives Back' week. Spare me! Ah look, they forced Crystal Bowersox to ask Alicia a question about her charity work. Very natural. Have I mentioned I'M a charity worker? No? Well I'm philanthropous (I made this word up) DAILY but I don't like to mention it.
So apparently the theme is 'inspiration'. I think 'insipid' will be nearer the mark.
How is Casey Jones still in this? Is that even his name? He's just a ghoul on a poster, an advert for Levis. Not interested. Why is he there instead of Didi Bananas? I liked her. Ah, Casey JAMES. Sorry Corey. I mean, Casey.
I love Randy, but his comments are so boring these days. I preferred the days when Simon used to look perplexed at everything that came out of his mouth.
Casey looks like one of his nuts and bolts is coming loose. OMG what is Simon wearing?! Is that a tank top? A cardie? He is getting cuckolded, BIG TIME. Lollies.
I like Lee Dewyze. I used to think he was nothingy but he's grown on me a lot. I said it before but I like his imperfections and his gravelly bits. I liked his song choice, too. I think he makes the right decisions. And I fancy him a bit now, just because I like him more.
OMG someone's going to do R Kelly later. Is it going to be Trapped in the Closet (with all it's parts?) 'I pulled out my barretta!' Let us pray together.
Goo Goo Dolls! I like one of theirs. Someone put it on a mix tape for me once. It wasn't this one though. This one sounds like an X Factor winners single! I like this Keith Urban dude a bit more now too. I like the fact he's a bit out of tune and flat, it's appealing. He looks more handsome this week too. Maybe I'm going soft.
Oh, Aaron is doing 'I Believe I can Fly' not the midget chronicles #13. This song sucks some serious dick. Aaron is weird. I can't get the Final Destination kid out of my head. And the fact he's so obviously gay. He can't win this race. He's just too geeky and show-tunesy.
Ooh Ellen made a joke about drugs! Those naughty lesbians! What is going on with Ryan and Simon? I reckon Simon set up the US X Factor gig solely to make Ryan unemployed. Don't fuck with the Cowell, chrome boy.
Next up: Siobhan. If I live to be 100 years, I will never spell it right first time. And I will not live to 100. Not with that chip shop nearby. I reckon she could win it. Could she? Could she take it off Crystal? Definitely, Crystal is too grumpy. Hold on, what am I talking about; it will a bloke that wins, right? Ooh, I like her butterflies.
Big Mike! Been a bit bored with him since they saved him. Woah, he is BIG! Look at his arms! I wouldn't fuck with him. Mm, sweat patches. Mind you, I'd have sweat patches if I was wearing a jumper under those lights. I'd have sweat patches if I was naked under those lights. Especially so.
Crystal! Her voice is really good. I just like her a lot. She looks a bit awkward without her guitar, and a little frumpy but that's OK. Aw, she blubbed at the end! If it was someone else I'd be cynical but I trust her. I liked it when she used Ryan's hanky.
I miss Adam Lambert. I miss Adam Lambert. I miss Adam Lambert. Where is our gay emo Superman this year? Answer me that, Simon.
Oh and onto the results show. There's Obama! He talks like a cartoon character. His wife looks like she's got one on dip and one on dazzle. Ooh Obama bigging up Randy- hehe.
Oh Christ, Queen Latifa. This is going to be painful. Sponsor mentions: #25. Coming up, the Crack Eyed Peas and Joss Stone. Dear Lord.
Ooh Big Mike, white really isn't your colour. I feel like I'm watching Ghostbusters.
I'm going to have to skip a lot of this charity stuff because it's too cloying. Although Jennifer Garner seems nice and she's supporting Save the Children. I just don't know how they reconcile their obscene wealth with others extreme poverty.
Ooh Posh is supporting Save The Children too. She's putting on a REAL posh voice (how did she get that nickname?). She looks so natural, as ever, reading off that card. What a star.
Ooh Russell Brand has popped up. He looks haunted and too thin. I miss him being off his head on crack presenting MTV Dance. I miss him darting around on Big Mouth. But mostly I miss his radio show. RIP. PS. Don't marry her.
I skipped Black Eyed Peas, but couldn't miss Fergie's outfit. Nice boots, you utter mess. And why is Ferdy in the band now? First Eastenders, now this.
The less said about this stand up comic, the better. Ah, the car advert. How uncynical. This certainly makes me want to give money to Africa.
Wow, Joss Stone's band look cool! *speechless* Pass the gun, dear.
God, Russell Brand, what are you doing? It makes me weep, it really does. Your talent is unique; you are so much better than Jim Carey or that Jonas guy.
God this is rubbish. Annie Lennox and Mary J Bilge are beyond comment.
So, Keith Urban went home. Just as I started liking him. Should have been Casey! Next time.
That show was arduous, which had a knock on effect on my blog. I blame the do-gooding!

American Idol: Your only gimmick is a carpet

I promised I'd do an American Idol blog, and a promise is a promise (or so says Michael Stipe). I haven't really been feeling it this year; I miss Paula and Ellen is just weird in a boring way, not very funny, and doesn't seem to have a clue what she's talking about. I don't get what the appeal is; she's not edgy enough to be of any intelligent use, and not fluffy enough to be any fun. Will Simon take Randy the Dawg with him to the US X Factor? I hope so. Randy is lush! It wouldn't be the same without seeing if he's fat or thin from season to season. You can leave Seacrest behind though; his banter is becoming excruciating. No wonder Simon quit! I do like Kara a lot, she's lovely.
There's no firm favourite for me with the contestants this year; no Adam Lambert! Even the ones I like I don't LOVE. And the Rolling Stones week last week was pathetic; who picks these themes? It's supposed to be a young show! I'm nearly 30 and I couldn't give two fucks about the Rolling Stones. This week's theme of Number 1s sounds a lot better.
Tonight's guest judge is Miley Cyrus. Is there a human on the planet more odious than Miley Cyrus? Charmless, arrogant and with the voice of a 50 year-old-chain smoker. Close your eyes and listen to her speak! It's not normal! What is there to like? I can't even understand why children like her. She's 17 going on 60.
Lee Dewyze (is he the bank robber?) I actually quite like, I liked his version of 'Fireflies' a couple of weeks ago, and there just seems something a little more interesting about him than some of the others. I even liked some of his bum notes last week. But he still lacks something. I don't know what this song is he's singing, but it's fucking dreadful.
Oh Christ, Paige Miles has chosen Against All Odds by Phil Collins. Was Another Day in Paradise not a number one? How about Think Twice? She sounds scared to death. And she fluffed the words. And she's off. Aw, bless. Ellen gave her the 'at least you look great' comment. Oh dear. Kara said it was the worst vocal this season!
Rya Seacrest sounds like his microphone is in a bucket of water. Maybe that's what happened to Paige and Phil Collins.
Tim Urban doing Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen. I hate that song. I don't like Tim Urban much either. Zzzzz. The vocals are boring because it's a boring song that goes nowhere.
Don't pretend to have a crush on Miley, Aaron Kelly, you're quite obviously gay. Mind you, she makes a great fag hag. Aaron looks like the guy out of the first Final Destination, who's in the Stan video for the Eminem song. He keeps singing songs by geriatrics; I mean, Aerosmith? It's what thick people have played at their weddings. Song choice fail. Come back with some N Dubz next week.
Crystal Bowersox! She's pretty good. I bet it hurt having to take advice from the devil child. Credibility broach! She sung some country song. The guitar reminded me of Bad Bright Eyes. Don't like Bad Bright Eyes. Only like Good Bright Eyes. I liked it when she was kind of shouting at the end, though. That reminded me of Good Bright Eyes. I think she is quite a talent. It's obvious why she's cagey; because she's selling out by being on American Idol. But over there, I think it's worth the risk. You can come eighth and still make a decent living.
I like big Mike! He's really genuine and he's got a fantastic voice. There's something lovely about him, I like the way he just gave Miley a bear hug and lifted her off the floor. I want a Mike cuddle.
Next up is Andrew. Do you think they're going to mention that great audition where he did Paula Abdul's Straight Up? They have only mentioned it EVERY SINGLE WEEK since he did it in boot camp. It was good, but it wasn't that good, folks. Let's relax a little. Oh Christ, he's doing Marvin Gaye. Come back Paula, all's forgiven. He sounds like he's just talking most of it. Oh my God, Kara mentioned 'that moment' but didn't invoke the name of Paula this time. It's like THAT DRESS. Oh she said it! STRAIGHT UP! Pathetic. That record is broken.
Katie Stevens has an annoying precocious kind of face, but irritatingly, she's quite good. She still looks like a five-year-old doing karaoke, though. She looks like she should have shoes on that are three sizes too big, and she's gurning all over the place. Her eyebrows look like they're on strings.
Ah Gordon Ramsay is in the audience. Do you think he's going to call Miley Cyrus a pig? Here's hoping.
Casey James is beautiful but bland. Look at his perfect hair, and proto-Brad Pitt face. He leaves me cold.
I like Didi Bananas! She looks like Madeleine McCann's mum. Ryan fucked up her name. That song she sang was AWFUL! Oh my god, I was praying for tinnitus. I agreed with what Kara said, it seemed fake.
God, more old songs, Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Have they heard of any songs since the 80s? I kind of like this geeky snaggle-toothed one, Siobhan Magnus. She's got a gob on her like Andy Murray. Why do people call their kids names you have to think about how to spell because it's pronounced different? I don't want to think about that every time.
And now for the results show. I know, I've had shorter working weeks. To cut an hour down to five minutes, it was Paige Miles. I didn't even know she existed until she murdered Phil Collins. Bye!

Klever Kitchens: A Eulogy

Yes, it's Monday night, soap time! Sorry the 'tainment has been on the quiet side, I'm in the process of moving house, so blogging has been replaced by calling up the council tax people, cleaning the oven and deciding which shoes to throw out. OK, I haven't really cleaned the oven. But I bought some oven cleaner!
TV has been pretty ropey anyway; I feel like the schedulers have forgotten about us; no good documentaries, no decent entertainment. American Idol has been too wishy washy this year, I can't get a handle on who I really like. I watched Dawn Porter's My Breasts Could Kill Me, but it was one of her weaker documentaries, unnecessarily dragged out over two shows, and consisting mainly of her going 'oh I'm really scared!' Zzzz. (you did get to see her boobs though, and they were pretty impressive).
The only programme I've been really getting off on is Celebrity Rehab! Dr Drew is my new idol. Download it! It's Big Brother, but with drug addict celebrities. What more do you want?
Anyway. SOAPS. Corrie has been quite good lately, what with Simon absconding from Blackpool (who could blame him?) Peter Barlow should kick that granddad's arse. I've never thought much of Leanne as a character but she's been quite good lately. Her sad but trying to be brave acting was quite good. Ken should never have let George take that child in the first place!
Jason with his top off! Gratuitous.
I've noticed Tina has looked less orange that usual since she's been grieving, it suits her. She's lost a lot of her chutzpah as a character in recent months though. I preferred her with David.
Gail looks like a Cluedo piece in that roll-neck. Gail on the boat with the puffa jacket. Deadly!
I do fancy Nicky Platt #2 a bit though; even though he's not just as good as Madame Rickett, I have a soft spot for him from when he was in Footballers Wives. I kind of like a jug-eared man from time to time, it's a bit sexy.
Mentions of Ton-eh! Aww I miss Ton-eh. Can't he come back? Acquit him! We need his googly eyed charms. He was ten times sexier than Nicky Platt #1 or #2.
Is Klever Kitchens going to have The Smiths played again as he's sent off into the furnace? He looked like a used car salesman in that photo atop the coffin.
I noticed John Partridge (aka Christian from Enders) slating Sean from Corrie the other day for being a 'tea time gay' (I think that means a gay who doesn't have sex). When DID they make Sean's character so wholly unlikeable? I used to really like his character but now all he seems to do is rubbish one-liners. He's got less depth than Kelly Crabtree.
Rita's back! Oh.
Ooh Kevin was horrible to Molly! Have that baby and leave it on his doorstep. That'll teach him.
Janice is back in her horse fleece! Horse fleece! Horse fleece! I swear she didn't wear it for about three years and now it's back. It was probably preserved in a museum; and rightly so.
Aw I just sobbed my socks off when Simon turned up! I want a Simon. And I hate children!
I'm glad Tina interrupted Gail's speech, it sounded dire. Elephant in the room indeed! That funeral ended a bit like I'd expect one of my own family funerals to end; with a virtual punch-up and someone shouting 'you're a family of freaks!'
Eastenders, on the other hand, has been dire. Somehow they managed to fluke a fairly decent live episode (except for Jack Branning bleating something about 'the public' by accident- projecting much?) but since then it's been dire; Max's search for Bradley's shoes, the return of Carol (and her puffa jacket- looks a bit like Gail's actually) and (god help us) the grime night. Even Dizzy gave that schtick up around 2002. Also, it feels like it's been snowing for about three weeks. Continuity fail.
Roxy's staff can't come in because of the snow? What, can't Chelsea walk 15 foot across the square? 85% of her staff live UPSTAIRS.
As for enfant dullard Danny Mitchell; what is the point? Take your 90s haircut and piss off to Hollyoaks.
Oh god and I forgot about Billy's 'friends' from Balham; some more well-rounded, 3-dimensional black characters from the Eastenders storyboard. INNIT.
Sorry I fell asleep there at the 'Ian's dirty washing' storyline. As for Lucy Beale's pregnancy; I couldn't give two shits. Where is Syed? Where is Christian? Why can't we just have a two-hander with them in?
God, now the 'gardening' storyline. This is interminable!
Ah, Corrie again. Suddenly Kevin wants to see Molly! Is it any wonder women use babies as currency in sex wars; they make good currency. They're a good bartering tool.
Peter vs George! Fight! Fight! Fight! Peter dealt with him quite nicely. It was more than he deserved. Not much to chew on in that second episode, really.
KEVIN. Change your jacket! Molly. Abort. Goodnight.

American Idol: Feet Don't Fail Me Now

*Spoiler! Do not read this if you do not want to know the result!!!*
I spent the entire DAY avoiding Facebook, Twitter and Google in case I saw the result. Although I haven't blogged it much due to me generally being late watching it, I have absolutely LOVED this series of American Idol, mainly due to Adam Lambert (aka Feet Wentz). I didn't like the cut of his jib at first, but he has an extraordinarily good voice, and you don't hear me say that about reality show contestants very often. Obviously if he releases an album it will be shit, but I'd rather he had the cash than dull monkey-boy Kris Allen. What is he even doing in the final? It should be Katona-lite. Sexism!
Randy was looking quite natty tonight in his tweed. Paula looked like she'd had an accident at the Orangina bottling plant. Simon forgot to do his shirt up.
Why do they sing the same songs again? It's a swizz! I don't think Adam did Mad World that well the first time, he shoulda done Ring of Fire again. He looked cute in his flasher mac. And lovely teeth n all.
I think Aint No Sunshine is a good song for Kris Allen. But he's still sub-standard. Simon is teasing us! He can't really think Kris is better.
Didn't like Adam's suit or second song much. I like that guy who plays electric guitar though, he's cool. Ooh the judges seemed to like it, though. Why??? Simon Fuller's song choices blow!
The winner's single always reveals who they REALLY want to win. Adam sounded like a woman! Which is good, obviously. The song was shitty though, but it will still sell by the skip-full. Randy: Adam is not pitchy!
Fuck, I thought Kris sounded better on the single! Boo. I can't bear to look at his chimp-face no more, mountains or otherwise. That chin is getting out of hand.
It took me several hours to download but I just watched the result; I hope you've got a lot of patience because they sure do like dragging that shit out. They dug up Fergie, Cindi Lauper, Rod Stewart, Brian May... it was an aural tyranny!
Weren't Adam's wings nice? It was very Brandon Flowers/ Patrick Wolf-esque. And the platforms too. Did you notice he busted out the glitter eyeliner once all the votes were in! I never knew he was gay before (ahem).
And then; and then. I just can't believe the result. I was honestly stunned. I did not think Kris could win it for a second. The only good thing I can say about it is that Adam doesn't have to release that turgid single and he can go get a band together or something. He is so phenomenally good compared to Kris Allen it is actually pitiful how stupid and backwards the result is. 100 million votes? These people aren't fit to be left in charge of a phone! Perhaps it was that dog who accidentally rang 999 taking over the entire United States switchboard, that's the only explanation I can think of.
I still enjoyed the show untold amounts. But honestly. Adam was just brilliant. Justice has not been done. I demand to know figures, see vote counts, and if necessary, have Kris Allen killed.
Now I really need to go to bed.

American Idol: It could have been me

Here's how to lose HOURS of your life, and you'll never get them back, NEVER! So the final promised to be OK, i.e. both of the contestants could sing, which was a plus. It was a fight between Foetus Archulleta & Designer Stubble Cook. Ryan Seacrest had even put on his guyliner especially, and later he shared it with both the Davids, which was very kind.
In the first round, Frank Butcher forced David Cook to sing U2, which I thought he did quite well actually. It seemed unlikely some weeks back that fish-face David Cook would get so far but he's an OK singer, just utterly uncredible as a rock singer. His second song was pure Avril Lavinge. Pre-pubescent David Archuletta (what an anchor) seemed utterly certain to win, getting the thumbs up all night long.
They both sang loads of shit no one had ever heard of, which is quite rubbish for the final really, the self-indulgent prinks. But in the final round Archuletta pulled it out of the bag, singing Imagine, probably one of the most loved songs of all time (except for me, I hate it). But Cooky squeezed out the tears and smudged his make-up, so that probably got the mum vote.
Paula managed to not turn up drunk for once (a minor miracle) but she did say 'you're standing in your truth' which was rather ridiculous. Randy was really in default mode though; 'molten hot'- check, 'you could sing the phone book'-check, you could just pull a string at the side of him and have him say this rubbish whilst he eats his way to his next lapband (aw I don't mean it, I love Randy in his little red coat, I like it when he goes 'booooo' at Simon).
Now, what IS it with US TV and their product placement? The BBUSA thing was bad enough, but this was beyond a joke plugging that GODAWFUL- looking Mike Myers film. Ben Stiller and Jack Black can just die painfully. It's like they force the contestants to watch it and laugh whilst pointing a gun at their heads. It's an insult to anyone's intelligence.
The results show was beyond a joke, two hours for something that could, realistically, take ten seconds. It felt longer than childbirth. The medleys, the past contestants, the desperate stars rolled out to flog their albums. You COULD NOT get away with this shit on the X Factor, there'd be a revolution.
Seal, for example. Where did they dig him up from? Is he credible now? How did that happen? He's quite buff now, isn't he? He looked like a black Grant Mitchell.
More medleys. Donna Summer in a fright wig. Michael Johns and Carly the tattooed lady made me laugh loads. Bryan Adams. Zed Zed Top. Some USA McFly.
Then came the crowning glory: England's favourite stoner and cottager extraordinaire, George Michael. He must have run out of weed money. I was just thinking how ropey and skinny he looked in his Bono sunglasses when my mum rang up and went, 'He's gorgeous! I've never fancied anyone so much since Elvis. It's a shame he's gay.' That song Praying For Time reminds me SO much of being young, listening to my mum playing that record over and over, that and Status Quo, anyway.
And so here it was, and it was a Will Young/ Gareth Gates style shocker. Old Cooky won by twelve million votes, even after the judges had declared Archuletta the Second Coming. Archuletta's face didn't fall quit as much as I'd hoped, but it was quite amusing hearing Fishy singing his way through this lame pop song that was clearly written for Archuletta. It was like Rhydian losing to Leon all over again! I like it though, I do like the underdog, it has to be said.
So that's it. God bless America and more importantly, Simon fucking Cowell. He still owns us all, and that's that.
Oh yeah, a side note on The Apprentice: I was soooo fucked off Raef went, he was class and a half. I fell asleep halfway through watching it after The Whitest Boy Alive gig and I just woke up as Mrs Tiggywinkle went 'You're fired!' and I couldn't believe my ears. Raef and his DiCaprio-esque advert rocked the casbah. It's all shit from now on. Sob! I guess Michael to win just for comedy value, or Alex for eye-candy value, although I've totally gone off him. It was all about Raef. Old Sugar always fucks it up though, the bozo.
PS. I saw a Big Brother advert today! Exciting!

Things I should have written about this week but didn't

Sorry I didn't write about The Apprentice, I know at least half a person who wanted me to, but by the time I could be bothered (i.e. the next day) all the David Brent jokes had been taken by the press. Can you believe I picked that dude to win recently? It was a total cringe-fest. Alan has picked some prize buffoons this year... but he's also picked Alex (swoon!) so we'll forgive him.
I also didn't write about BB USA (mainly because I was half cut last night and can't remember the finer details) but I DO remember Natalie getting show the door! I guess 'Team Christ' turned out to be Team Judas (I can't believe she didn't crack that one in her interview). And why did James start on Chelsia in the jury house? The 'houseguests' didn't turn on him because of her, they turned on him because he kept saying how he was going to wreak bloody revenge on them on a constant loop. Can Sharon win it now? She'd be lucky. If not, I'd go for Sheila, Adam, then Ryan in that order.
I ALSO did not write about American Idol, and nor did I last week when Michael Johns went. Shame, I liked him. This week saw the back of Krusty Le Crab, which I was glad about, but as punishment we had to look at Mariah Carey's smug, punchable face for two hours. Seriously, die. I liked Brooke this week. David Arch-whatshisface didn't even sing that song as good as Leon! Ahhh, Leon. Cute little Leon. I enjoyed perving over him on a weekly basis. Who else is left? Shoutyeisha. Carly and her incredible frowning face. What's that stoner with the dreadlocks called? Fidel Castro? He's alright but a bit nothingy. Oh yeah and fish-face. I like fish-face the best. But when Paula said to him 'you've got the whole package' I was thinking, perhaps not having a fish-face would help. Oh and his hair looks a bit- flyaway... if you get my drift. So if he didn't look aquatic, and wasn't going bald, he'd deffo be the whole nine yards.
I could say plenty about Eastenders but it got so utterly silly this week I don't know how. Even Stacey wouldn't sink so low as Stephen 'Acting school' Beale. Poor Christian! And Sean just became utterly ridiculous. As for Corrie, I enjoyed the use of the term 'bat inspectors' but my main thought for the week was if you HAD to, at gunpoint, who would you sleep with out of David Platt or that gormless kebab shop kid he knocks about with? I honestly have weighed up all the pros and cons and I'd still rather talk out of an extra mouth where my cheek once was than make that decision.
Unfortunately I forgot to tape the show about the Tree Man, but that would have been my highlight.
Turn off- Katie & Peter who have gone from a chuckle at a mild happy-slapping incident to being forced to listen to some chavs playing their music on a loudspeaker on the bus for an HOUR. The words banal and inane do not even scratch the surface. Empty souls, empty heads... and still we watch. They really do win every single time.

American Idol: 'Molten Hot'

OK about five days late and so I only started paying attention halfway through, but bear with me. Firstly, and most importantly, will Paula stop saying NITCH? I's not fucking NITCH you thick fuck, it's NICHE. NICHE!!!! The next time you say NITCH I'm going to put my fucking foot through the telly! And that goes for people who say CLICK too. It's fucking CLIQUE!!!! I know you're thick and American but for fuck's sake. Get a fucking grip.
Oh yeah and Paula's leather gloves. She must have had sweaty hands.
So let's get down to the nitty gritty ABUSE (I mean, critique). Carly. Frowny, but I like her. She did karaoke classic, turn around bright eyes (or whatever the fuck it's called.) I like it, cos it has Bright Eyes in the title. What of it?
Michael Johns- Aussie. He did a medley. Is that allowed? It seems like cheating. I like him as well though.
David Archu... you know, the one who's a child. Theme park performance! Truth. Also, camp as always. He doesn't do it for me, perhaps because I'm not a pervy old man.
Cliche spot: 'you could sing the phone book' and 'ghastly' by SC. I LOVE it when he says 'ghastly'.
Krusty Le Crab (the one who WONT DIE) shamelessly cheated by singing some song that would appeal to braindead patriotic Americans, GOD BLESS AMERICA, which showed evil genius. Kind of shot herself in the foot by saying as a kid when she sang 'people were all like shut up and you're getting on my nerves'. Yes, just like now. She always gets in by the backdoor, just like George Bush. Possibly she's a lizard. Keep an eye out.
David 'bob bob bob' Cook- the first baby in history to have a receeding hairline. Yeah, he is a total fish-face but he DOES have a good voice, and he took a risk with Billie Jean. So good on him. My other favourites are Polly-Pocket Ramielle, who requires you to say 'she's cute' at least once every time she's on the screen. And Carly.
Was sad to see Chikeeeeeeeeze go in a way, he was kind of smooth, I liked him a bit. I don't really like Syesha, I think she's a bit smug. Brooke I sort of like but she's a bit hit and miss. And she can't take criticism.
PS. How sexy were all the mums?!

American Idol 8- A Million Percent Yes

Making fun of the mentally ill. OK. Making fun of the fat, the stupid, the deluded. That I can cope with. I can laugh along too, oh yes.
But what I can't abide, or really get to grips with, is the judges (and Ryan Seacrest) looking younger and younger each year. But hold on, Simon looks different on X Factor. His whole head looks squarer. I was in the audience of Britain's Got Talent only last year and he looked like a different person. He's more of a chameleon than Morrissey, except Morrissey doesn't guzzle botox for breakfast. And Morrissey is less gay.
Simon looks a bit gaunt on Idol. And what has happened to Randy? He went from chubster, to skinny Yoda, to rotund again. A gastric bypass is serious op, how did he eat his way up again? Still, I like lovely chocolatey Randy, and his sideburns. I like Simon berating Paula. Sharon wouldn't let him get away with that shit.
I've been listening to a Conor Oberst live bootleg this week, and I've never been happier we don't have country music here. But I'm yet to hear someone auditioning with Bright Eyes on Idol. I thought they were big over there! Come on... we're ready to sing along.

Enders/ Derren/ Peep Show/ Jro/ Idol

It was an excellent night's TV last night- lucky for me, who's too poor to go out. Eastenders, which is proper rubbish on a stick normally was unintentionally hilarious, watching Phil Mitchell's pudgy little face trying to hang onto that car was ace. He looked like a gigantic hippo diving under the water, stopping for a five minute chat under the car. Does Ian's brat die? I dunno. I don't read the soap spoiler. It wasn't looking good though.

Derren was the one we've been waiting for, where he made a girl think she'd died in a car crash. The cast of her face was really creepy, but who lets people put gunge over their mouth and eyes at the beauty spa? Yuck. I thought the whole thing was done as tastefully as possible considering the subject matter and it was very eerie and convincing. Derren: you remain the master.

Peep Show (can the series be over all ready??? Booooo!) was brilliant, Jez pissing himself was the moment for me. Come back very soon! Apparently Magicians is shit, but how can it be so?

Janice Dickinson on Jonathan Ross was fucking ace, she makes Sharon Osbourne look positively conservative. She would make a great judge on X Factor, it's true.

We also watched (i.e. forwarded through) American Idol and both predicted the no-necked wonder would get the heave-ho (mainly because they Americans don't like black people) and also cos she was kinda boring. Who will win out of Jordin and Blake? I dunno. What I do know is I'm going to be at my mums next week for the final so I'm going to have to watch the whole fuckng thing, insipid Cat Deeley links an' all. And if I dare say I hate this or that person I'll get,

'Why are you so horrible about everyone?! You don't like anyone!'

True. It's called having taste.

American Idol

Even though I haven't mentioned it so far in my blogular I have been following American Idol, in spite of the fact it's a personality-free zone. The songs are also weird country/ MOR shit we've never even heard of this side of the free world. The contestants are boring fuckers. Simon Cowell is like Simon Cowell replicated in a Crimewatch reconstruction. 110%? Check! Karaoke! Check! Cruise ship caberet? Check! Child being forced to stand up sing at a garden party? Check!
Randy has stopped saying 'dawg/ in the dawg pound/ a'ight' and therefore is pointless except for being a kind of male Oprah Winfrey yo-yo dieter sideshow attraction. Paula is constantly drunk and pointless.
Tonight I'd read that Cowell rolled his eyes when Chris made a comment about the Virginia massacre and rightly predicted they'd cut it out. Sadly Simon didn't realise we have You Tube, so we watched it anyway. I was less fussed about Simon's eye-rolling and more concerned about Chris 'twitchy' Richardson's blatant sympathy-vote pulling opportunistic display of shoehorning in 'I lost a lot of friends'. Really? Name them. Call me cynical. But I'd rather be a heartless cunt than a naive sheep. Next week it could be a dying grandma to distract from his dreadful singing. Who knows.
Worse than all of this, including mass murder, is Cat 'stroke victim' Deeley's insipid links. If you're a man and you fancy her, seek help: half her face is sliding off. This is a woman who would probably greet the news of being diagnosed with terminal cancer with a sugary 'Fantastic!'
Seriously, drop dead, you pathetic bitch.
Disclaimer: I was drunk when I wrote this but its still true.