Panorama vs Chickens, Hugh and Tesco Too

I watched Panorama tonight and it was quite short but very good. Frank Skinner investigated bad language and people causing offence on TV. It was quite Brooker-esque. Frank Skinner should be on TV more, and Al Murray much less.
I'm generally of the opinion, if you don't like something, turn over. I want to complain to Offcom about people complaining to Offcom. How do we do that?!
Frank went on to interview Roy Chubby Brown. Isn't Roy Chubby Brown committing a hate crime by spouting his bigotted crap? I remember vividly being much younger and people in my house watching his show and feeling utterly disgusted by it. He should be extinct now, by rights, the venues that put on his show should be ashamed.
Then you have the other end of the scale, where it's obvious someone has a good heart, and part of the hatred is just envy. The amount of people who probably watched Jonathan Ross the other night just so they could mither about it is actually tragic. Get a life, dude. Weigh up the 'BBC snubs Gaza appeal' story with 'JRo makes fun of old granny', and two and two will not make four. The vast majority of written media is pathetic and I look forward to the collapse of it in future. Thank god for the internet and independent thought. (Oh, except if you want to give me a job, obviously) Definitely worth a look on the I Player anyway if you missed it.
After that I watched Chickens, Hugh and Tesco Too (awful title). As do-gooding chefs go, Hugh is definitely on the more bearable end of the scale. Chicken is probably my favourite food, and one of the only healthy things I eat. I am a meat eater, but I do care about animal welfare, unlike a lot of people, who sadly, do not give a shit.
Kudos to Waitrose and M&S for banning battery chickens. But then there's the argument people who shop in Lidl and Morrissons (ie. me) can't afford to pay six or seven pounds for a chicken. However, this show was more about a compromise, which I think was very useful, and pretty clever. Free range does have a image of Waitrose snobbery about it, and is out of reach for a lot of ordinary people. This gave a third option.
It was interesting seeing inside the barn and what the 'standard chicken' meant; i.e. wall to wall birds who can't move, are grown intensively, and looking extremely bedragged and half-dead. Compared to the 'freedom food' birds; still indoors but running around and flapping their wings with a lot more square inches, more light and more things to do (we're not talking the Playstation here, but it's more of a life- until neck-snappy time, obviously). Seeing it illustrated like this definitely gives you more choice as a consumer. The difference is striking. The chicken in the 'freedom food' range costs £1 more. For just a pound, I really CAN afford it, and I will. The guilt is just too much otherwise. Oh my god, chicks are the cutest things on earth! The guilt, the guilt. Morrissey hates me.
So where do Tescos come into it? Er, they don't give a shit and they just care about the cash, obviously. They say the standard chickens are protected by certain rights, have room to move and 'company'; they have company alright, like I have company on the tube at Kings Cross at 5.30 in the evening. I love a sweaty man with BO feeling my arse, it's such great company!
Tescos rather rudely ignored Hugh's request for an interview, so he became a shareholder, gathered 100 others, and tabled a resolution to force Tesco to, well, let's not beat around the bush, stop LYING.
The Tescos spokescunt said that 80% of people can't afford to pay an extra pound a week for a chicken. That's BULLSHIT! If you can afford to buy a lottery ticket, or a packet of fucking fags, you CAN afford it. I just bought a laptop today and as a result I have about £100 to last me the next four weeks. That's less than the dole. And I'm STILL going to pay the extra quid when I get a chicken tomorrow, just so I can sleep at night.
I do think the labelling on chicken is confusing and I'm no idiot. It's pretty obvious it's meant to be that way. The spokescunt brought new meaning to the word 'insufferable' and is a liar saying that the labelling is clear; it's NOT! Then she says, 'look at the website', oh yeah I'll just google the fucking Tesco website whilst I'm pushing my trolley round. Just stop lying to us, you smug cow. She made me so fucking angry, I don't know how Hugh didn't snap HER neck just for the hell of it.
Hugh pointed out the standard chicken has a picture of a farmer outdoors on it and she smugly said 'but the chicken is not outdoors.' It's OBVIOUS what the implication is! It is disgusting that nowhere on that chicken it says 'reared indoors'. It's a BATTERY HEN! And then when he put that to her, that they were being ambiguous, she said 'we don't need to patronise our customers like that.' You're patronising them by drawing a little tree on the label and pretending it's all cosy-wosy in chicken-land, darling (oh, god, I'm getting all sexist now and everything, see what you've driven me to?) You're patronising ME right now, with your self-satisfied demeanor, you fucking lying, whitewashing robo-bitch. How STUPID do they think we are?! It's not patronising to know the source of your ingredients. It should be the LAW.
As if that wasn't nasty enough, Tesco pulled a further fast one out of the bag by charging Hugh £86,000 for stamps to send his proposals out to the other shareholders. What a low move, especially as we all know what their profit margin is like. I hate the way they try and bully people like that. They must REALLY like hurting animals. I don't think that sort of stuff endears them to their customers; and I know this because I AM one. But I'm quite happy to go elsewhere if they really want, there's a supermarket on every corner in London. We do have choice here. There is something about the morality of this issue which is very affecting.
Oh my God, and after Hugh raised all that cash, the Tesco arseholes said Hugh now needed to get 75% of the vote of the shareholders as it was a 'special resolution'. For God's sake. They make Mr Burns look like Mother Teresa.
It was actually really sad when he failed in his attempt. 10% backed him and 9% abstained which was still positive apparently. But it was like trying to fight the sea; they are all in it together, the heartless bigwig scum.
In conclusion, I think Hugh is a really decent man, and I was really moved by his campaign and this show. I think too often these celebrity chefs walk a fine line between patronising and educating the public and Hugh is thankfully on the right side of it. On our side.
And I think Tescos should go fuck themselves.

Rant: Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand

I have been so angry about this all day that this is the first move I've made since coming home. No bath, no food, I just have to get this off my chest because I'm going to EXPLODE.
FUCK YOU DAILY MAIL!
And fuck you the 18,000 who complained about RB because you weren't his real listeners.
Let me say first I listened to the podcast the week it went out, half of it at work, and half wandering round on my ipod. And the only thing I remember thinking was, 'are they really leaving that message on his answerphone?' and laughing a bit. It was pretty funny when they kept ringing back and back; it WAS totally outrageous, but this is Russell FUCKING Brand. His whole schtick is being on the edge. If you don't want a presenter who is going to say close the the bone things, don't employ Russell-turned-up-as-Saddam-Hussein-on-Sept-12 Brand. It's not a difficult equation!
Do you know what really bugs me about this, though (apart from EVERYTHING)? The fucking Daily Mail contingent do NOT listen to Russell Brand anyway! So why should THEY deny me the pleasure? I don't try and get Littlejohn banned although he is completely and utterly offensive every week. Perhaps that's the backlash required. Let's get the fucking racist homophobe Littlejohn sacked in return, the fat fucking spudhead. COME ON, CENSOR ME, YOU FAT PRICK! No, you can't, can you?
Furthermore, Manuel, or whatever his fucking name is, said HE WAS NOT BOTHERED. He said there was too much of a fuss. And EVEN IF HE HADNT, wouldn't he be MORE offended by the fact his darling innocent granddaughter is in a group called the Satanic SLUTS, for fuck's sake? Perhaps he should have a words with that sweet, pure grandaughter of his about HER language!
And it is not anti-feminist of me to point that out. She was plastered over the paper today attacking someone who I genuinely care about, someone who I admire, and who is the greatest comedian of our generation (no, not Jonathan Ross). I've often heard Russell talking affectionately about her and her group or dance troupe or whatever they are on his show, and she is kicking him right in the balls in return. I hope her 'career' disintegrates, because Russell has a damn sight more fans than she does.
The whole ridiculous irony of the 'hurt and offence' is somewhat marred by pictures of her in fishnets and PVC protesting she never slept with Russell. Whether she did or she didn't, she should have, the dopey fucking mare. And as for the 'elderly' Andrew Sachs (alright, I've learnt his name now) that's the most AGEIST thing I've ever heard. Pathetic. He will probably get punched on the street now by some irate RB or JRO lover, so well done, you complaining ninnies.
Is Ponderland being shelved now? I'm fucking furious about this! I'm even furious about Jonathan Ross getting canned, and I could take him or leave him. He is pretty funny, if a bit crude.
My boyfriend said 'it's all for show and it will all blow over' and I KNOW that's true, and I KNOW they have to be seen to be doing something BUT it still makes me angry that we have to pander to these soppy fucking cunts going 'oh, I'm offended by it', then DON'T LISTEN TO IT! You're not offended by it, you just want to destroy Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross because they are both mega rich, funny, and happy. They actually have happy lives and you can't fucking STAND IT. You just wan the universe to be bland and one dimensional and probably full of gardening programmes and fucking Terry Wogan.
To all who complained; I HATE YOU! And Morrissey hates you, so there.
Forget vote Obama, reinstate Brand NOW. You're lucky he even does your shitty Radio 2 show.

Recording of Morrissey on Jonathan Ross

The Morrissey luck fairy visited me today (about time, where were you last Saturday, you bitch?) In a rather unexpected turn of events someone posted on my work messageboard that they had 4 spare tickets for Jonathan Ross tonight (they film it on Thursdays). But alas! Someone else had replied saying they'd take them. Desperate, I posted saying 'if by any chance you don't go, please could I have your tickets.' By pure chance, two of this girls friends couldn't go, so she said she'd meet me and my boyfriend in the queue! Raced out of work and went to meet a complete stranger who I work with, and her boyfriend, who luckily both turned out to be very nice.
The Joanathan Ross set looks very peculiar in the flesh- tiny and very, very red. The black couch which looks so plush on the TV looks cheap and manky in the flesh and Jro's desk looks TINY! My boyfriend insists furniture on film sets is made smaller to make actors look taller so maybe this is what happened here. The couch, the 'poofs and the piano' and the area where the band perform are all right next to each other. The poofs sang a crude song about anal sex which was quite funny, but Jonathan Ross was being very crude which I thought was a bit 'urgh.' He seemed really fake and unnatural at first, which is a shame, as normally I like him loads.
I was excited to see the show anyway, but I was a bit disappointed with the guests tonight. How dare I complain about the guests when Moz is on? Well I dare! especially when Jro talks to some bints from 'Mistresses' (I know, me neither) for forty minutes and then Morrissey doesn't even get interviewed. Sob! Honestly, it was quite draggy. We really needed some comedy on. Jonathan Ross ate a cheeseburger from a can at the start which I thought was in bad taste in front of Morrissey and thought he was baiting him a little bit. I'm suprised Morrissey didn't walk out. Jro also said he was going to show a clip of Harry Hill doing Moz on Stars in Your Eyes, but he didn't (sadly!)
The other guests were so dude from Lost who talked about his old drug habit for half an hour (and he even admitted Lost was tosh) and Britt Eckland, who seemed truly nutty (and oddly obsessed with Google!). Jro asked her if she was a Morrissey fan and she lied and said she was but I'm sure they'll cut that bit out. There was a funny story regarding her chihuahua and a teddy bear, and that was probably the best bit of the show (apart from the obvious). She was very beautiful in her day as well.
I really wished Morrissey had been interviewed but he literally just sang 'That's how people grow up.' although I thought it was damn good live, much better than on record. It was really catchy. Jonathan asked Moz if he was happy and he said 'no.' and Jonathan said 'I wouldn't expect anything else.' At the end Moz said 'can I go now?'
Jro said Morrissey still had a sore throat and had to rest his voice so couldn't sing any more songs. At the end he kind of got on Morrissey's back and cuddled him and said 'I nearly slipped it in there.' I'm guessing they'll probably cut that bit out.
Morrissey looked good, quite thin, and was wearing a tight blue top. He looked embarrassed and bored in the 'green room' beforehand and I pitied him having to sit though guests so banal. Normally Jro has quite good guests on, so it was a bit of a bummer. Having said that, I heard whispers in the queue that it was going to be James Blunt instead of Mozzer so I shouldn't complain. I think part of the problem is normally when I watch Jonathan Ross on a Friday night I'm half cut so it probably normally seems funnier than it is.
The most worrying part for me was the very end when Jonathan asked Morrissey's band if they were going to finish the Roundhouse dates and the band went 'oh is that the time?' and buggered off. They seemed quite pissed off. I'm sure it was the cheeseburger thing.
Dear lord, Morrissey, please don't cancel the Roundhouse dates. I need to see you so much!
All in all, an enjoyable night, despite my grumbles. I possibly converted my new work buddy to La Moz, and I won't be sitting at home tomorrow thinking 'I wish I was there.' Oh yeah, I will when I watch Jules Holland. I bet he'll do more than one song on that!
i'd definitely go again but the guest list needs shaking up. Next time I want Moz, Derren Brown, Russell Brand and Courtney Love. Ta.

Jonathan Ross: Plastic Fantastic

Wow, what was going on with Jro's guests this week? Had the make-up artists gone botox crazy? Michelle Pfeiffer looked pretty stapled but still pretty. Chris Moyles appeared to have no wrinkles on his fat, cunty forehead. But the biggest Mickey Rourke impersonator had to be Ewan Mcgregor, not even 40 (surely) and looking more plastic than his Star Wars action figure. Like not even slightly: this was full on melting territory. He looked like Eddie Izzard's dad. Oh and he was on with that other boring geezer who he rides motorbikes with. Bothered. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Michelle: boring. Chris Moyles: obnoxious fat prick. Saviour of fuck bloody all. Ewan McGregor (plus his bitch): no one gives a fuck about your latest motorcycle ride.
The best thing on Jro is always Mr Pickles, his pug dog and his little woolly balaclava. Wrinkles rock.

Jonathan Ross: Beth Ditto, Jamie Foxx, Michael Ball

Tonight Jro had a right weird assortment of guests. Jamie Foxx (is it a double x? I forget) was about what I expected, a bit shallow and dull. What's the deal with his hairline though? It's like Action Man gone wild. No really: how does he get it like that? Is it stuck on? Somebody explain.
I really liked Beth Ditto: I thought she was incredibly cute and I love her accent. I kind of hate some of the things she stands for (her faux punk sensibilities, and the gratuitous nudity, for example) but she seems like a really funny and kind person. I felt a bit bad for her when they showed the NME cover and all the audience went 'eww'. I went 'eww' too when I saw it, but even so. I don't think ANY woman should strip naked to get on the cover of a magazine, no matter what your size is, I think it's anti-feminist, perhaps more so when you do have talent, so you don't even need to fall back on your bosoms. I don't think there's a point to be made. I think it's exploitative regardless of your reasoning behind it.
It does make me angry though, that whatever she does, there is a certain section of the community that will just see her as a fat lesbian. She is an intelligent woman and she does have an incredible voice, and a lot more talent than 95% of the sticks you see in magazines, so she should be given some respect. Unfortunately, society is too dumb to see past the fat.
Michael Ball? Yeah sure you got fat for a role, whatever you say. Jonathan Ross: always funny.

Enders/ Derren/ Peep Show/ Jro/ Idol

It was an excellent night's TV last night- lucky for me, who's too poor to go out. Eastenders, which is proper rubbish on a stick normally was unintentionally hilarious, watching Phil Mitchell's pudgy little face trying to hang onto that car was ace. He looked like a gigantic hippo diving under the water, stopping for a five minute chat under the car. Does Ian's brat die? I dunno. I don't read the soap spoiler. It wasn't looking good though.

Derren was the one we've been waiting for, where he made a girl think she'd died in a car crash. The cast of her face was really creepy, but who lets people put gunge over their mouth and eyes at the beauty spa? Yuck. I thought the whole thing was done as tastefully as possible considering the subject matter and it was very eerie and convincing. Derren: you remain the master.

Peep Show (can the series be over all ready??? Booooo!) was brilliant, Jez pissing himself was the moment for me. Come back very soon! Apparently Magicians is shit, but how can it be so?

Janice Dickinson on Jonathan Ross was fucking ace, she makes Sharon Osbourne look positively conservative. She would make a great judge on X Factor, it's true.

We also watched (i.e. forwarded through) American Idol and both predicted the no-necked wonder would get the heave-ho (mainly because they Americans don't like black people) and also cos she was kinda boring. Who will win out of Jordin and Blake? I dunno. What I do know is I'm going to be at my mums next week for the final so I'm going to have to watch the whole fuckng thing, insipid Cat Deeley links an' all. And if I dare say I hate this or that person I'll get,

'Why are you so horrible about everyone?! You don't like anyone!'

True. It's called having taste.