Piers Morgan's Life Stories: Russell Brand

I have been totally immersed in Russell Brand this year, from Booky Wook 2, to binging on all the old BBC6 and Radio 2 podcasts- I've been listening to about five or six a week so I'll virtually got Russell Brand narrating my thoughts at this point.
Yet- what's wrong with this picture? Mr Katy Perry doesn't speak like the Russell in my head ie. like himself anymore. America has chipped away at away at all his rough edges, all the little things that make him him. His films are poor. I have always thought he works better off the cuff, on Dancefloor Chart and Big Mouth and running wild on the radio. A script sucks the life out of him.
Anyway, it's still good to see his gummy old face, so let's see what he's got to say to old Piers.
WTF it was like he just walked onto Stars In Your Eyes at the start! Weirdness. I miss his beard! That's the first thing I'll blame the boring Perry for. His hair looks gross, too.
Oh hold up, he's talking in his normal accent! Rejoice. He seems weird and awkward! What's he wearing? It's like he's got his school uniform on.
Mr Gee! Do a poem. I've never actually seen his face before. That's weird.
SACHSGATE. Oh God, is there anything left to be said? Russell should just say 'it was a joke, get over it.' It doesn't deserve the seriousness that they're treating it with.
An advert for Arthur? A coincidence, surely! Ahem.
I liked hearing the stuff about his youth and relationship with his parents and reinventing himself when he went to college.
DANCEFLOOR CHART! Amaze. What great clips from that. I need the whole series of Dancefloor Chart on DVD NOW. I used to hate Russell at first when he was on that, and then just suddenly realised he was a genius. All my best celebrity relationships start with hate: Morrissey, Courtney, Russell. Dancefloor Chart is comedy in its purest form and makes me feel deeply nostalgic for those glory days of raving. It is so of its time, it makes me want to weep.
I'm not surprised he doesn't regret taking drugs, because they gave him some fantastic anecdotes, and shaped who he is. I like the revelation: 'I spose you don't have to take drugs every day.'
He IS vain, I don't care what he says! OMG I'd die to watch all those old Big Mouth's again- someone must have them! Stick 'em on a torrent! PLEASE.
Why is Helen Mirren so up his arse! She lurves him.
His answer to being faithful is not very reassuring, I don't think. If my boyfriend said that, I wouldn't be happy. I don't personally think Russell can be faithful and I do wonder what will happen him. But then, I'm not married to him. I also worry that she's the first great love of his life. There's a lot at stake there. Personally, I don't think she's interesting or intelligent enough for him. But he does seem happy.
I do think Russell is less funny now he's controversial. That's not to say I want him back on drugs or unhappy. But he has lost his edge.
Me and my boyfriend had a bet (which would have helped our evening along) that involved Russell Brand mentioning Morrissey in this interview. But he didn't. And frankly, it's ruined our evening. BOO.

Russell Brand: Booky Wook 2

I recently finished Booky Wook 2, and thought it was just as good as the first. The style feels like he's reading it to you, or just having a chat with you. I think I've overdosed on RB lately because I've been listening to the old BBC6 podcasts so I'm virtually thinking like Russell Brand, which can't be healthy (worth hunting down on a torrent for the podcast about holidays alone- the tales of the boat trip are unrivalled). However, after seeing that clip of him talking all posh on some US show, I do feel like the shine has come off. What makes him special is his unpredictability, and when he's scripted or sanitised, he could be anyone. In his films he could be anyone. Then I saw a clip of him on Daybreak pronouncing all his words nicely, too. Don't like. If they're doing that shit to him, Cheryl Cole is going to come back talking like Princess Anne. (Just don't come back at all, Chez). Back to the book. Each chapter is pretty much a little snapshot of his life, which I think is quite a nice way of presenting things. I like how much Kate Moss making his bed meant to him, but if I was Katy Perry I don't think I'd like my current husband going on about what a goddess she is for an entire chapter.
There are a lot of stories and anecdotes I've heard him tell a million times on radio or in his stand up, but he gets away with it, as they're so funny. His disregard for other humans (especially women) is mindboggling, yet hysterical. I'd forgive him anything.
I particularly liked the chapter on Big Brother (a national treasure), and hearing about how much he appreciated that time. It was genuinely exciting hearing his tales of the contraband 'fight night' video and waiting to shag the contestants as they came out as it had been like watching them in a film.
The chapter where Trevor gets accused of rape is particularly poignant, as I haven't got to that bit of the podcasts yet, so I'm just revelling in all the hi-jinks at the mo, waiting for the bomb to drop. It's sad they could never come back from that, and I thought Russell covered it in a thoughtful way- but how that parting of ways went down in reality, who knows? Very sad all round.
I like the way he talks about his gaggle of friends, but I hate Adam Sandler (of all people) for kidnapping him for Hollywood. A big revelation seemed to be that he doesn't even actually enjoy working on the films! I wish he'd just come back and do radio, or present Big Brother. Hell, I'd even stick him back on Dancefloor chart. He's ours, we should just have him back.
The arrogance of him writing out little jokes between him and Noel Gallagher or bits of his stand up is shocking, yet again, he gets away with it. I don't think we really needed to regurgitate the VMAs but then again, some of those death threats were fucking hilarious.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a rubbish film, in which RB's talents are wasted, so it was interesting to hear he hated making it as that seemed like him 'striking it big'. The other chapters on making films and hosting the MTV awards (again) leave me cold a bit. The Morrissey chapter is great (of course!) but you're left feeling that maybe him and Moz aren't as close as you'd have previously thought-or why would he have to go through a third party to get permission to use the emails? I like the fact Moz likes Alan Carr, though. And I would kill to know what his email address is. I bet it's some play on popeofmope@aol.com (I could see Moz backwardly being with AOL).
Did Sachsgate need revisting? I guess so, I like the fact he thought himself being all over the news was how life SHOULD be. Also interesting was after the show initually went out, there was not ONE complaint. I remember exactly where I was standing listening to that podcast (Leather Lane market, if you must know) thinking, 'are they really calling him?' but that's about it. It still makes me sad what happened. I genuinely loved that show. It gave me full-on snorts of laughter where Adam and Joe (when available) only gives me chuckles (I do like those chuckles though, and snorts aren't so good on the tube).
There's only one chapter on Katy Perry, and it's fairly scant on details (saving it for Booky Wook 3, or the divorce?) Nothing she says is clever or of any interest. I do feel she's sucked the life out of him. I miss ol' Russ and his crazy ways. But I don't think we'll have to wait forever, let's put it that way.
Incidentally, I just started reading Derren Brown's latest book and it's boring as fuck in comparison. I think I need some fiction in my life.

Christmas TV Viewing

So it's the post-Christmas, pre-new year gap, and I'm just glad to be finally tasting food again. After a Christmas Day that involved waking up and bursting into tears because I felt so ill, and then went on to involve NO turkey, NO chocolate orange, NO booze, and NO presents on Christmas day as I was too weak, I'm just glad to be able to sit up straight now. I must be the only fucking person in England who LOST weight over Christmas. BOO!
But anyway, who cares about my ailments? Only me and all those within germ-spitting distance. I still managed to squeeze in a healthy amount of Christmas TV in between crying, chain-sucking strepsils, and avoiding particularly offensive family members.
Just before the worst of the fever struck, my mum said 'Do you want to watch a film?' and I archly said 'I only like kitchen sink dramas.' in my best Morrissey voice. Sadly, she took me quite seriously and put on 60s black and white drama Saturday Night and Sunday Morning. Actually, it was quite good, if you don't mind very little happening in a film, which I didn't. I like seeing how things used to look as well, and everyone looked very cool and smoked a lot. It had a bit of a weird ending though; like it ended in the middle.
On Christmas day itself, I opened my eyes for the Top of The Pops Christmas special; which was oddly enjoyable. The soaps were good but not great; I think Eastenders hit the mark the best with the Sean-baby saga. Tony sticking Jed in the box on Corrie was good fun; but not quite as dramatic, somehow.
I hated Deal or No Deal at Christmas, it's rubbish without the usual contensants when it's for some person who's 'deserving'. Zzzz. I slept through most of those.
I think it was Boxing Day when I watched ET on ITV2, which was dreamy; still just brilliant. Thank God CGI hadn't been invented to mess it up then. Pure perfection. Elliot is like a proto-type Conor Oberst. Drew Barrymore is fab. Harry Hill was good that day, too.
The rest of the schedule was pretty awful; we had to resort to playing games (not that much fun when you can't drink). We watched Cloverfield again (very good) and a zillion countdown shows; annoying people, best films, best songs, and so on. Lists and lists and lists.
Worst programme of the festive seasion was the utterly dire 8 out of 10 Cats- Best Bits. If those were the best bits, I shudder to think how chronically unfunny the rest of the fucking thing was. I thought comedians were meant to make you laugh? I pity the likes of the dazzling Charlie Brooker and always-great David Mitchell having to pretend to laugh at that one that looks like Billy Mitchell, and tha fat cunt off of Gavin and Stacey. I can't even bear to look at that pig-faced charisma-void, he makes my skin crawl. Utterly awful in every way, I strongly advise you to walk slowly away from that burning car crash, Jimmy Carr. Another serious of Your Face or Mine? would be seven billion times it's superior (seriously; that show rocked). Halfway through we switched over to a repeat of Ponderland and the relief of unbridled laughing at someone genuinely talented was a stark contrast to the back-slapping bullshit we had been suffering through. Oh yeah; and Christmas Ponderland was brilliant too; although Russell's new beard makes him look sinister. Still, thank God we still have him; because lord knows, we need him.
The only other thing of note we watched was the E4 special Why I Love Celebrity Big Brother. It was really fun to see all the previous years; the best of which had to be the heady mixture of Chantelle, Preston, Jodie Marsh, Pete Burns, Barrymore and George Galloway. Just magical. Jodie Marsh was robbed; she definitely had more to offer. How I loved the innocence of Chantelle's green eyeshadow! Sigh. So yes, I am VERY much looking forward to the new series on Friday. And still hating Jade for getting it cancelled this year. It gives me something to mouth off about anyway and I can't wait!

Rant: Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand

I have been so angry about this all day that this is the first move I've made since coming home. No bath, no food, I just have to get this off my chest because I'm going to EXPLODE.
FUCK YOU DAILY MAIL!
And fuck you the 18,000 who complained about RB because you weren't his real listeners.
Let me say first I listened to the podcast the week it went out, half of it at work, and half wandering round on my ipod. And the only thing I remember thinking was, 'are they really leaving that message on his answerphone?' and laughing a bit. It was pretty funny when they kept ringing back and back; it WAS totally outrageous, but this is Russell FUCKING Brand. His whole schtick is being on the edge. If you don't want a presenter who is going to say close the the bone things, don't employ Russell-turned-up-as-Saddam-Hussein-on-Sept-12 Brand. It's not a difficult equation!
Do you know what really bugs me about this, though (apart from EVERYTHING)? The fucking Daily Mail contingent do NOT listen to Russell Brand anyway! So why should THEY deny me the pleasure? I don't try and get Littlejohn banned although he is completely and utterly offensive every week. Perhaps that's the backlash required. Let's get the fucking racist homophobe Littlejohn sacked in return, the fat fucking spudhead. COME ON, CENSOR ME, YOU FAT PRICK! No, you can't, can you?
Furthermore, Manuel, or whatever his fucking name is, said HE WAS NOT BOTHERED. He said there was too much of a fuss. And EVEN IF HE HADNT, wouldn't he be MORE offended by the fact his darling innocent granddaughter is in a group called the Satanic SLUTS, for fuck's sake? Perhaps he should have a words with that sweet, pure grandaughter of his about HER language!
And it is not anti-feminist of me to point that out. She was plastered over the paper today attacking someone who I genuinely care about, someone who I admire, and who is the greatest comedian of our generation (no, not Jonathan Ross). I've often heard Russell talking affectionately about her and her group or dance troupe or whatever they are on his show, and she is kicking him right in the balls in return. I hope her 'career' disintegrates, because Russell has a damn sight more fans than she does.
The whole ridiculous irony of the 'hurt and offence' is somewhat marred by pictures of her in fishnets and PVC protesting she never slept with Russell. Whether she did or she didn't, she should have, the dopey fucking mare. And as for the 'elderly' Andrew Sachs (alright, I've learnt his name now) that's the most AGEIST thing I've ever heard. Pathetic. He will probably get punched on the street now by some irate RB or JRO lover, so well done, you complaining ninnies.
Is Ponderland being shelved now? I'm fucking furious about this! I'm even furious about Jonathan Ross getting canned, and I could take him or leave him. He is pretty funny, if a bit crude.
My boyfriend said 'it's all for show and it will all blow over' and I KNOW that's true, and I KNOW they have to be seen to be doing something BUT it still makes me angry that we have to pander to these soppy fucking cunts going 'oh, I'm offended by it', then DON'T LISTEN TO IT! You're not offended by it, you just want to destroy Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross because they are both mega rich, funny, and happy. They actually have happy lives and you can't fucking STAND IT. You just wan the universe to be bland and one dimensional and probably full of gardening programmes and fucking Terry Wogan.
To all who complained; I HATE YOU! And Morrissey hates you, so there.
Forget vote Obama, reinstate Brand NOW. You're lucky he even does your shitty Radio 2 show.

Russell Brand: My Booky Wook

I'm not much one for autobiographies normally, they're kind of a mum thing, aren't they? But I read this pretty fast for me. I have got a bit of a Russell obsession at the moment... I can't stop listening to his radio 2 podcasts. They have cheered up my journey to and from work no end. Not so keen on his stand up though... I find it a bit contrived. I think he's best off the cuff. He's just naturally very quick and funny.
So, the Booky Wook. The language it's written in seemed heavily Russell-fied at first, almost labouredly so, yet by the end, it seemed to be written in perfectly plain English, so either he relaxed a little, or you just became totally immersed in his world. Personally, I find his phrasing of things quite amusing, and I enjoy his surreal take on life. For a book that covers a whole spectrum of human horror, it's told in such a jaunty manner that you may as well have just been told an overly-long dirty joke.
I think at times I found myself wanting more information about something, maybe wanting to know more about how he felt after he hit the big time, or how it really felt coming OFF heroin. I mean it wasn't exactly 'A Million Little Pieces'- Russell just went in and conquered it, and merrily went on with life. The flippancy of the narrative style engaging and funny, but I also felt like he was skirting over massive, massive aspects of things that would have been interesting to delve further into (but I don't think that was the sort of book Russell wanted to write). But he should be applauded for conquering his demons, it can't have been easy.
I think my favourite chapter was where he detailed the truth about the horror of his heroin addiction, the places he went to, the people he hung around with, the lengths that he would basically stoop to. It just felt genuinely honest, and I could picture the scene with ease. It felt like it could be my world, or a friends world, pretty easily. I also liked the bit where he told Ricky Gervais a story about sleeping with two obese hookers and Ricky hung up on him.
Russell Brand has done some AWFUL things... things you wouldn't even want to admit to. He's been a disgraceful human being in many ways. The way he treats women (or has in the past) is pretty outrageous, let's be honest. But he never really apologises, or asks why. And I quite like that. It's almost as if all the stuff that happens to him is out of his control.
Anyway, he's unspeakably smart, and he has good taste (Morrissey!)
But I think he's still searching for something. Anyone who needs to sleep with that many people just to prove themselves attractive is obviously missing something. I don't think he's that bothered though. Will he settle down and behave? I think it's pretty unlikely.
PS. I wish I knew if my bus was coming or not. I wish I had half that self-belief.

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Nailing Birds)

I have to make this very brief as I had steroids injected in my wrist and can only type with one hand (and my boss said she'd sack me if she caught me blogging tonight!)
But I had to pass comment on Russell Brand's Hijack. I thought it was brilliant. I loved the fact he was evil and tormented Jeremy (who's comment about nailing birds made him my definite pick to go this week). I liked his abuse of power flirting with the girls (them competing for him was funny). And I especially liked him convincing Jay that his dress code had been decided by a focus group and Tim Burton. HOW thick?! Pure genius.
The cameraman stunt was OBVIOUSLY fake. I found it funny, especially when Russell came in. I liked Latoya giving the cmeraman a hug, and John trying to placate him. Why did all the other housemates turn on John? It was proper Lord of the Flies. I felt sorry for him, but it wasn't Russell's fault, it was the sheeplike housemates. It was quite interesting that Jade was one of the only housemates to spot it was a ruse.
Award for murdering feminism: Emilia saying 'who am I going to cook and clean for?' to Victor and Jeremy.
Russell- why no Moz posters in the 'ouse? Also- has Liam got a sock shoved down his pants?