The X Factor: The results

Tulisa, watch your hair in that St Lucia heat. Lay off the Sun-In, for fuck's sake. She's come as a stick of rock to go with the candy floss hair. Still, beats Northampton with Gary Barlow, doesn't it? My boyfriend reckons there's a Morrison's right behind 'Gary's house'.
I'm really glad Ella went through. She's the best of the girls by a mile. 
I want Irish Jade to go through but I like 'I'm-a-struggling-mum sob story' Jade as well. Irish Jade has got some great wonky lipliner and blue nail varnish on. She's unique!
The black girl is not going through because she has so little personality that I can't remember her name. And she just stomped off and didn't even say thanks for the opportunity. Bad loser.
I don't like the way you can't tell which one Tulisa's speaking to! It's really fucking annoying. It must be horrible for the losing person to watch it back, as you're literally a camera angle away from getting a yes. 
Oh no, she didn't put my Jade through! Boo. I thought she was really good. I don't think 'mum sob story' Jade is as good as Irish lipliner Jade. But I suppose she's more likeable because she's a MOTHER zzz.
I think Lucy's going through out of these last two. I do like the other one (who's name I've also forgotten - but the fact I've forgotten her name probably says it all). At least she said thank you for the opportunity. I'm glad Lucy made it; I hope they don't make her do covers every week, though.
I think MK1 are going to go through. I like the girl, she's cute. The other band is a bit too all over the place. Louis made the right choice; and he's very sorry. Poor dude from MK1 couldn't even jump up and celebrate because of his crutches.
Put Poisonous Twin through! I don't even know what this other young boyband are called. It's just another bunch of acronyms, no doubt. FKOF, perhaps. WTF, Louis sent Poisonous Twin home. Can't believe Louis did the 'it's not good news, it's great news' line. That shit is old as time. Both Poisonous Twin and Duke would be better than those
Triple J or whatever they're called now are up against this cheesy band. They're all holding hands. Barry Styles looks like he's going to cry. Oh, they did put them through.
Cheesy dudes went 'you're joking' when Louis ditched them. He's not.
Oh it's Union J who went through and nearly put Louis' back out cuddling him. Be careful, he mightget aroused. So two soppy boybands for Louis: thanks for the variety. Where's the Wagner/ Jedward?
James MUST go through. My boyfriend is saying he needs a makeover. He'll be back next week with Brandon Flowers' teeth, I bet you. Now Nicole is doing the 'it's not good news, it's... frikking amazing news' schtick. Aw, nice when he called home. Nice to have family who love you.
I don't think they're going to put Jake through because he looked at the floor the whole time he sang. It's a shame because he's easy on the eye.  He's got pedal pushers on, too. Did I miss the pedal pushers memo? Sorry to see Jake go.
I don't think Nathan is going through. He's nice enough, but he's too generic. I think Jahmene is going through. Nicole-bot is pretending to show emotion, badly. Jahmene was cute when he got through, he was speechless, bless him.
PUT RYLAN THROUGH! I'm going to hit the roof if they don't. He's mega. He'll wear the best outfits, too. He'll be fabulous in every sense of the word.
This other beardy bloke Adam didn't do that great. He's cute but he's no Jake.
Rylan's reaction to being put through was the best reaction to being put through in a competition EVER. Fucking brilliant! I cried, I laughed. You could tell he 100% thought it was a no. He slumped on the floor wailing, he wiped his face on a cushion, he said 'is this a wind up?' and told Dermot he was 'bang out of order' for no particular reason. Nicole Scherzinger didn't know where to look. It was truly heartwarming TV - just pure happiness. 
I'm not surprised Gary didn't put Grotbags through, he never liked her, but he seems to have a hard-on for that annoying hippy.
I knew he'd put Kye through. Brad going 'I thought I was going to get a yes'. Don't EVER think that. I wouldn't ever presume such a thing.
I can't remember what this brunette woman is called, but she's not going through. She looks like Natasha Giggs. OMG he did put her through! I was sure he was going to cut her. Weird.
I think Gary must be putting Christopher through over Melanie now. Melanie: 'to leave my children is such a sacrifice' - well, I didn't ask you to have them, so spare me the martyrdom. Who's her daughter anyway, Nicola Roberts?
Christopher might give Rylan a run for his money in the blub factor if he gets through. OMG, Gary put Melanie through! What a load of balls. She's rubbish. How could he put Melanie and the brown haired woman through over him?! Ha, Melanie's daughter IS a mini Nicola Roberts.    
Oh OK, there's a twist and one more person can go through. It's between Amy, Christopher, Adam and Times Red (Good band name - snort). Vote Christopher!
There's three interesting characters to watch in the live shows at least: Ella, James and Rylan.
It's good news.... my blog's over.

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Down a Primrose Path)

I didn't bother blogging it yesterday cos no one's reading it and the celebrity hijackers were those nobodies from Big Mouth who looked like it was Christmas Day because they got to follow in the hallowed footsteps of Nikki and Michelle Bass. Frankly, I was embarrassed.
I liked Mackenzie Crook's geek task, but I think it points towards ME being a geek. I know, it's shocking. I liked their geek jumpers, I wear my hair in pigtails on occasion, I don't like talking in public, and more importantly, I have made a fantastic rubber band ball at work. You don't need to start off with a ball in the middle, that's for losers. In fact, you just tie the elastic bands together initially and keep wrapping round and the ball forms itself. Er... yes, I'm definitely a geek. I thought Jeremy did the best. He is quite a good sport when he's not being a bully.
I was annoyed with them all thinking John's a mole, which I think was mainly stoked up by Emilia. I felt sorry for John. The group is well and truly fragmented now.
Emilia and Latoya were up for nomination.
Latoya thinks the public want 'pacific' people to stay. I specifically want her to go for being a dumbass and a dullard.
Calista to Anthony: 'I can't wait for you to see my bedroom.' She may as well have said 'I can't wait to have kids.'
Jeremy is so pathetic with his 'don't question my intelligence' bullshit. Jeremy: you're THICK. You're immature. You're childish, you have no clue how to deal with women. I pity you.
Jeremy: 'don't belittle me in front of the public'. Christ, he'll be be calling us his people next. Just get it on already.

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Fatal Attraction)

The quality of the hijackers has dropped so low that I could be doing it tomorrow and I'd get about as much recognition as the Hollyoaks 'babes'. Personally I'd rather see Chris Moyles naked than watch Hollyoaks, so it may has well have been three bimbos from Lakeside shopping centre. Oh...
Scott Mills yesterday was dreadful too. I can't even remember one thing he did.
Things I was sickened by in tonights episode: Jeremy referring to the Hollyoaks girls as 'fit birds', them laughing at it, Jeremy speaking to everyone like they were shit off his shoe, and the Hollyoaks dogs not letting John go on a date with them. Now I've gone off John since him decrying his housemates mucking about yesterday as 'vulgar and disgusting' but even so. It's not like he's going to get the chance to go out with a generic lad's mag girl otherwise. Why was John not eligible for the date? I would have stuck up for him if I'd been in there.
The Hollyoaks bints further fought feminism's corner by wanting to be regaled with cheesy chat up lines, then triple-dating Anthony. It was all worth it for Calista's face though. Silly cow. I pity her boyfriend. Anthony really needs to make it crystal clear he's not interested to save her a tiny bit of face. Mind you, it's all her own fault. Apparently she was telling them she was going to marry her boyfriend when she first went in! How flaky?
The fact is Emilia and Amy are 17 billion times more interesting women than the Hollyoaks girlies. And Calista is better looking than them. Even if she is a desperado. It didn't help when she put on a slightly wedding dress-esque outfit. I was properly getting a Michelle Bass vibe.
What was going on with Anthony and John? Were they mucking around? It seemed like they were, but there was definitely an air of menace about the whole thing. I thought they were best buds? Anthony seems to have become more obnoxious now Victor's gone. I think John is jealous of Anthony's beauty and Anthony is jealous of John's brains. Even so, it's a peculiar turn of events.

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Liam & Victor)

I know no one is watching it and therefore no one is reading this, but I still am! I'll be watching it as the zombies are frying up my bacon after judgement day. More fool you for not watching it, it's better than all that Brian/Twins nonsense. They were loveable, but totally one dimensional. These people are falling apart in front of our eyes. Calista's courtship of Anthony is agonising. He should really be honest with her. But it's hard, innit! Still, she has a boyfriend! Still. She must be dumped already.
LIAM! I was sad to see Liam go, he was my favourite. He was entertaining! Singing in the bath, meowing, wanking, a combover. What more can you ask for?
I was also slightly sad to see Victor go. Despite all the masochism, he was an interesting character. I'd rather have seen the back of Jeremy but I'm looking forward to the bunk up with Emilia before the night is out. I was amused by the massage going on in the background an hour after Victor left.
Highjackers. Keith Lemon- shit! Denise Van Outen- crude! I enjoyed the surrealness of watching them watching Gordon Ramsey's cooking show. Watching them, watching something else. Very post modern.
Amy to win. I loved her saying yesterday she hated muscles, hated treat-em-mean-keep-em-keen men. I think Amy is the first true role model ever in the house. She's the first person I'd like to be friends with. She's very sure of herself. She doesn't rely on her sex appeal to carry her through. She has a brain, has an opinion, and she looks cool as fuck. Good on her.

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Mamma's Watching!)

What a weird BB tonight. Joan Rivers was funny but didn't make enough of an impact for me. I was not impressed with her nominations either. I'd gladly see the back of Jay, Calista, Latoya or Nathan. Out of the four who are up, I'd like to see Jeremy('s spoken!) and Victor go. Jeremy gives me the creeps and Victor, well...
The whole fake fight thing was bizarre. Latoya doesn't speak for a week and a half and then does an award-winning eppy. It was far too realistic! Even so, I have no clue what Victor got so upset about. So what they were mucking about. I can't STAND guys who start punching the walls. I think he should be thrown out for it, as it's very intimidating. I was glad to see him cry. It annoyed me when they kicked Latoya out of the bathroom because precious Victor was getting his knickers in a twist. Get over it, you big baby.
It was weird how the whole group dynamics disintegrated after that. I was unimpressed with Nathan hiding in the hot tub offering his usual platitudes. I've not seen so much fence-sitting since H from Steps was in the house. Trying to please the public so much just makes them want to punch you. Even Anthony wanted to put him up for nomination, so something must be slightly amiss. It's too much about public image. Anthony seems a lot more willing to show his emotions. Calista is just annoying me now, I had high hopes for her at first too.
And then we had John going into politician mode so blatantly it made me despise him. He was like a creepy cult leader on a recruiting drive. Just be normal, John! It's all rhetoric. My opinions about them are really changing on a daily basis now. I still like Liam though. He's creepy as well, but interesting.
PS. Can Amy ever be spotted not munching on a bit of food? Fair enough it's normally healthy but christ! There can't be anything left for the others.

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Art Attack)

I couldn't even comment on Chris Moyles yesterday, he's too disgusting.
I was interested by Brian Sewell's attack on Amy as an artist, and her seemingly not being able to defend herself. I wonder how heavily edited that was, because if someone attacked my heart's desire in such a fashion, I would have metaphorically torn their arm off. However, writing novels does require some dedication. I am suspicious of most modern art. I don't like having to read the plaque. I like a good painting as well. Brian Sewell is still a dick though. He rips Amy's life's work, then congratulates Liam for having a wank on TV! It's a funny old world.
John, Anthony and Nathan all seemed quite miffed with the hijack, and I appreciated Anthony and Nathan trying to plead that they were 'intellectual'. I don't think you were put in there for that, Anthony. Nathan, manners are good, perhaps you should have thought of that before telling Amy you fancied her in front of Latoya (the worlds dullest mute)?
Er... why did Anthony shave a ridiculous cross into his hair? Hasn't Calista got a boyfriend? And how cute was Jeremy stroking Emilia's hair?! It properly melted my heart!

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (SAS)

I thought the SAS task was horrible, depressing, and overlong. Amy did well, but overall it was an annoying episode. I felt sorry for Anthony, bless him. I'm glad he nominated Victor.
Victor crossed the line for me tonight, in calling his sister a slut in front of the others (but not in English, so they could call him up on it). He berated her for having men in her bed, but she hasn't even snogged anyone! They were just talking! She is flirty, but so what? He's a complete prick, and it was completely calculated to demoralise her in front of the others. It wasn't a joke at all, it was very deliberate attempt to undermine her confidence. And it's not like Jeremy has the balls or the inclination to stick up for her.
I sincerely hope he gets voted out a the next possible opportunity and Emilia celebrates by having a threesome in the hot tub with Jeremy and Anthony.

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Nailing Birds)

I have to make this very brief as I had steroids injected in my wrist and can only type with one hand (and my boss said she'd sack me if she caught me blogging tonight!)
But I had to pass comment on Russell Brand's Hijack. I thought it was brilliant. I loved the fact he was evil and tormented Jeremy (who's comment about nailing birds made him my definite pick to go this week). I liked his abuse of power flirting with the girls (them competing for him was funny). And I especially liked him convincing Jay that his dress code had been decided by a focus group and Tim Burton. HOW thick?! Pure genius.
The cameraman stunt was OBVIOUSLY fake. I found it funny, especially when Russell came in. I liked Latoya giving the cmeraman a hug, and John trying to placate him. Why did all the other housemates turn on John? It was proper Lord of the Flies. I felt sorry for him, but it wasn't Russell's fault, it was the sheeplike housemates. It was quite interesting that Jade was one of the only housemates to spot it was a ruse.
Award for murdering feminism: Emilia saying 'who am I going to cook and clean for?' to Victor and Jeremy.
Russell- why no Moz posters in the 'ouse? Also- has Liam got a sock shoved down his pants?

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Fucking Mosh!)

I loved Kelly Osbourne being the celebrity hijacker, I have a soft spot for her. I think she's really cute! She is definitely her mother's daughter. I enjoyed the bitchy banter between Victor, Jeremy and Amy as the start of the show, but didn't enjoy Victor ordering his sister to make him a cup of tea. Men do that if you let them though.
I liked the fact little Ozzy was in charge of the nominations too. I liked the fact she said that nomination reason wasn't good enough, and that Victor was a twat. But Victor wasn't actually a twat, he was just feeling institutionalised. Bless.
I think the normal Big Brother should say more things like 'stop flirting' or 'if you don't make that tea right now you're up for nomination'. It's much more fun than the normal stuff. Like if Jade Goody had been abusing Shilpa Shetty Big Brother could have just shouted over the loudspeaker: 'Oh put a sock in it, you fucking munter!' and the situation would have been dealt with. This is the way forward, I feel.
I loved the reasons Amy nominated Emilia: 'because she's fit, she's beautiful and I'm jealous.' Perfect! That's the most honest nomination I've ever heard. More of that candidness needed. I think I like Amy, she's just in with a bad crowd.
What does Emilia see in Jeremy anyway? Anthony and Nathan are a million times nicer. Jeremy looks like a pasty-faced middle-aged man. He's not very nice to her. He's not sexy. That 'treat them mean, keep them keen' thing doesn't actually, work does it? I'm still feeling a bit sorry for Liam. How did he get 50 sexual partners?! It's just not conceivable. Bless him, making up stories for the telly. I bet his gran's loving it.
Anyway, it looks like we'll be seeing the back of Victor now, or silly Jade, as he, she and Jeremy are up for nomination. I think Victor has more to offer. Jade believes in happily ever after. Did she not see what happened to Chantelle?
I enjoyed the goth party, but why was Anthony wearing a nappy? Did I miss a module at Goth school? They won't have me back, you know.

Big Brother 8: Jump Ziggy Jump

Yeah into the fucking river. But then again no. Because I kind of love Ziggy again (i.e. I'd rather he stayed than the newbies). They definitely just put these new people in to make us appreciate that despite their inadequacies, we truly love our old housemates.
There was definitely some tension between Ziggles and Shanessa tonight, what with the willy crack (SOMEONE'S been reading the News Of The World) and then singing the Spice Girls. Evil mind games! She's not as stupid as she looks.
Brian was brilliant tonight, the most multi-faceted moron on earth, touching, funny, kind, beautiful. Describing shagging Amanda as harps and angels and Shanessa as being sucked through a hosepipe was class. He, Gerry and the twins sobbing in the toilet was emotional 'It's too much!' cried Gerry. It's true. It just makes you hate the new housemates. Brian said 'they aren't great replacements for Chanelle and Ziggy' and summed up the thoughts of the nation.
I don't know how Ziggy didn't realise they were cheering for him to jump out the box. I loved it when Shanessa jumped out and the twins looked stony-faced and Gerry went 'fuck'. Ziggy looked funny in his fairy outfit.
I LOVED Ziggy and Liam getting all terrotorial in the halfway house 'they are chucking my twins around the pool!' but the conversation went too laddy for me when Liam commented on Amy's spotty chin. Yuck. Not very chivalrous. He didn't mind rubbing his on hers later. I also expected him to give the thumbs up to the camera when they got into bed. There's something about that overtly laddish behaviour I just find unnerving. It was interesting watching his seduction technique though.
I hate David. I hate Kryton forehead girl. I still hate Carole. I do know from live feedage that Liam, Ziggy, Jonty and Amy are back in the big house, and that Tracey, Shanessa, David and Kryton are back in the halfway house. Good. Drop the bomb, I don't care who bites the bullet there. I'm glad Zigs is safe. I know I'm a turncoat, but it's who you hate the least at this stage, let's be honest.
However, it does make the picking of the housemates, and the various tasks completely pointless, and a bit unfair. But that's Big Brother to a tee, isn't it? I'd be annoyed if I was a newbie. They are blatantly making it up as they go. Anyway. I feel it may be time for Tracey to 'deal with it'. What do you reckon?