The X Factor - Love and heartbreak

The flash vote is shit! Bring back deadlock, dumbasses.
Ugh, this prison officer loves football. So she's a control freak and a misogynist. Notice she mentioned football before her husband as the great love of her life. She looked cute in her wedding pics: must be hard work in those prisons! Surprise, surprise she's singing some boring arse song that you'd rather punch yourself in the face than listen to. I wish they'd make them just do new songs FFS. I'm tired of hearing fucking Whitney, Mariah and all that bollocks. Half the time you could be watching an X Factor from five years ago. My only hope is that as she's on first, people won't vote for her. I'm sure my mum loves her, I'm sure yours does, I personally think she's a boring, plate-faced personality void. No offence, ha! Even Nicole is saying she doesn't like it. Jam-honesty! Louis is pretending like he thought of the 'Screw-bo' joke. He didn't.
Dear God, even Kingsland Road like football?! I thought they were meant to be hipsters. This song is pure cheese. I wish they'd be a bit edgier. And if you believe that all of them are straight - clue, the black one definitely isn't - then you must be mad. I'd say up to three of them are probably gay. The dance routine was fucking awful. Them winking and leering was gross. The only thing that was OK was their singing.
I pretty much missed Nicholas's performance as I find that song so dreary and I was ranting about something on FB. So I missed Sharon's paedo comments. Oh well.
Abi's funereal version of Can't Get You Out of My Head was profoundly depressing. Is there a song on the planet that this bitch won't ruin? Everything about her annoys me; the budget specs, her boring personality and sub-indie schmindy ick music she does. I thought Sharon gave her some great advice. My advice would be, try spending more than £100 on your glasses. It's a worthwhile investment.
I like James Arthur in the audience all awkward. He was someone worth championing last year.
Oh Christ, Shelley is singing Single Ladies, probably one of the most offensive songs on the planet. That lyric 'if you like it then you should have put a ring on it' is both a disservice and insult to women everywhere. But what can you expect from a woman who's main interest in life seems to be seeing how many species she can endanger with her revolting husband? This song is a crime against women. Needless to say, Shelley is no Beyonce. But at least she's not Illuminati.
Oh so Miss Dynamix can't sing because the pregnant one is ill. This will give the misogyny brigade some more grist for their mill. 'She should be at home, waa waa waa'. Shut up.
I wish Sam Callaghan would take a walk... I don't mind where, could be into a canal, or just off a cliff, not bothered, really. He has the charisma of a potato. He has a face like a potato. Except I like potatoes. He just sounded like he was on the loo for the high bit. I don't think he's going to go the distance, I really don't.
I like Tamera. I just don't like this song. But I do think she could win it - she has a talent and stage presence the others don't have. I wish they wouldn't keep changing her look each week, I liked her blonde.
So Luke has been put in a boat this week. When's the water coming to make him fuck off? I'd like to see him and his pathetic hair bobbing off into the distance. Things I know about him: hair. mum. It's not enough to be a popstar, kiddo! You just haven't earned it yet baby. He's got a hanky hanging out of his back pocket. Apparently this means you're gay, and you're saying what type of gay sex you like. I'll leave you to fill in those gaps. I will say that he did appear to be able to carry a tune tonight, which is more than I can say for previous weeks.
Rough Copy have gone a bit cheeseball this week, too. Some interesting clothing going on there, too. I like them, but hope they don't get too watered down. I liked one of them whipping the mic off Dermy.
This backstage bit with Caroline Flack is just boring padding and filler. She's better than this!
If I never have to hear anyone sing 'Beautiful' again, I'd appreciate it. I like Hannah, though. She looks cool and she seems lovely, and she sang with passion. Aw, her comments were cute at the end.
Are Kingsland Road really in the bottom two? What a load of shit. Neither of those groups should be in the bottom two. Hmm. Bad buzz. Bring back deadlock!

The X Factor - the results

I don't think I'm going to be blogging a lot of these results shows. I've just got this feeling that I'm not going to get into X Factor this year. Get Lucky isn't really helping; hearing the original is enough to make me want to vomit. What's with the gyrating?! Make it stop. Bring back the Dermot trouser talk - it's less gratuitous.
Oh God, now we've got to put up with Ellie Goulding and her enormous moon face singing about something insignificant. Did the world request another Sharleen Spiteri when my back was turned? This song is just what I expected; a big pile of nothing. Who are her fans? Really? Even her thighs on show are unexciting. This is music for people who find Ed Sheeran a bit edgy. And she probably got her career bankrolled by her daddy, just like that hobbit.
No deadlock! WTF. Deadlock is the best bit of the results show. That sucks. I wonder why they've got rid of that. Probably because Louis kept fucking it up. That's going to remove quite a bit of suspense, actually.
Cher is on next. No, not Cher Lloyd, 'if I could turn back time' Cher.
The 'flash vote' actually ruins some of the suspense of tonight, too, because we already know one of the people on the block. Why are they meddling with all the suspense?! Leave that suspense where it is. Didn't they also tell us last night that it would be two people in Sharon's group going home, or did I dream that?
So Lorna and Shelley are in the bottom two. I feel sorry for Lorna, I like her! I wish it had been Luke.
I think the problem with Shelley is they've feathered her fringe a bit, and it looked better blunt. No wonder it's knocked her confidence: no one wants a wispy fringe. What's she wearing? Looks like she's going for a job interview. I guess she might be later.
Did Sharon just forget Lorna's name, or was she pausing for dramatic effect? Lorna also has 'work trousers' on, unflattering ones. Lorna is better than Shelley. Case closed.
Why is Sharon drinking out of a teacup, who does she think she is, Lady Gaga? She's abstaining from voting. She's becoming so affected, I've forgotten what her real personality is.
What the fuck! Did they really send Lorna home? She blew Shelley AWAY. I honestly can't believe that. I'm shocked. I thought Louis was just hamming it up when he voted for Shelley. Also, Lorna got more votes than Shelley, shouldn't that be taken into consideration by the judges, what the public want? Boo. Not sure I'm going to carry on blogging X Factor. I don't really care, and I'm not sure anyone else does. Huff!

The X Factor - 80s night

Why, hello there. Oh, God, it's 80s night. I hate the 80s. The only band I like from the 80s are The Smiths and I can't see someone busting out Panic tonight. I'll be happy to take that back if they do.
Is it just me or is Dermot looking a little tired? Maybe he's just getting old, or he's tired of life, or he's tired of X Factor. More likely he's just tired of bouncing from foot to foot like the world's oldest schoolboy.
Sharon Osbourne walked out like she was someone with a walking stick on Jeremy Kyle, pretending they're disabled to get benefits. She's also dressing like an old dear, now, too.
Are they all pointing at Dermot's willy? Is that normal? It's a family show, etc. What sort of person looks at people's crotches anyway? It's creepy!
Hannah's on first: the shit spot. Best sing up, girl. I like her blue eyeshadow and that building behind her. I do not like her outfit. That skirt is vile. I also do not like this song. The only pop song I like from the 80s is Freedom by Wham. Oh, and I like Like a Prayer, but I think that was 90s. I thought that was quite a lacklustre start to the show, to be honest. Her performance was stiff and the song was crap.
I like Nicholas. I do not like Spandau Ballet. I do not like the fact I had to look up how to spell it. And I thought he sounded a bit flat in places. Is Nicole coming onto a fifteen year old? I think she is. Wow.
One of Miss Dynamix is pregnant. The way people were going on about it, you'd think she was disabled. Women have babies and jobs. Get over it. As for their performance, I thought it was a bit flat and their dance moves were a bit 'Jedward', ie. all over the shop. I do like them, though, so I hope they survive.
I really couldn't be less interested in this prison screw. Get your teeth fixed. Power ballads! Somebody shoot me. This episode has been boring as fuck so far. This Sam guy has a squashed face like he's run into a wall. His voice is drowning in backing vocals.
Kingsland Road have at least been entertaining, and appear to be able to sing. I think the 80s suits them - I mean, just look at their normal clothes. I think they could go quite a long way. It's like the X Factor's first hipster boyband.
I kind of missed Shelley as I was rummaging in a cupboard for things to sell on ebay. But I got the general gist.
The inspid Abi is doing Bon Jovi on the piano. Fuck off.
I like Lorna, but I have a feeling people won't vote for her because they're always pushing prison woman instead. Tamera is really good but I don't like this song.
Luke's up next. Does this dude have ANYTHING other than dirty hair. Looking like Worzel Gummage is NOT a route to becoming a popstar. He's singing out of tune as well.
Much as I like her, this bit with Caroline Flack is completely pointless. Isn't this drivel what Xtra Factor is for?
I like Rough Copy but I'm not feeling Phil Collins, to be honest. Nicole seems to think it was shamazing. I think Kingsland were the best of the lot tonight.
Oh, now there's some twist. Oh they're gonna choose the bottom two now. It's two of the overs! Well. Not really a shock.
Considering what a long show that was, this is quite a short blog. I don't know much, but I know that's not a good sign.

The X Factor: Judges 'Ouses (You're welcome edition)

I've wised up tonight and started watching this half an hour late. Bye bye ads!
The groups are going to New York. The girls are going to Antigua. Gary could be bothered to turn up, Nicole couldn't. Gary's got Olly Murs helping him. I miss Olly on the Xtra Factor, and I can't even stand him, but he's MILES funnier that this so-called comedian they've got on. I don't like the new format of Xtra Factor at all, which is a shame as I like Caroline Flack. I think she's very naturally funny (unlike her comedian co-host, ironically). I still Rylan would have been great on Xtra Factor. I do like him on BOTS but I think he would have been even better on Xtra Factor and got less Flack (soz).
Kingsland have been renamed Kingsland Road. Dear Lord, look what they're wearing! I think Queensland might have been more appropriate. One has braces and shorts on. He looks like a small man who would come out of a cuckoo clock. Two others look like they're dressed out of the school lost property box. They're definitely going to go through - I think they could go a long way.
Gary is doing his concentrating face watching this next group, the unfortunately named Brick City. He said they were his favourite so no doubt they're going to do crap. They've 'reimagined' Around the World by Lisa Stansfield. One has ankle high green socks on, and the lady of the group is wearing her dressing gown. Yep, as predicted, 'not much chemistry'. Groups like this with a mixture of boys and girls never get through. They don't have a clear audience.
Nearly all the groups and a god chunk of the girls are black. That makes a change. They'll probably squeeze as many white people through as possible, but there's even a black guy in Kingsland Road (I feel like a twerp even writing that band name). Who knew Gary was so all inclusive? No black people in Take That, were there!
I quite like Rough Copy. One of them always wears a dress and I think they can both sing. I can't remember the other one who had 'visa issues'. I like the fact that they didn't give Dermot the full hug either. Take that, Dermot (sorry).
I don't remember seeing Xyra ever before, so I don;t think that bodes well for them. They've 'reimagined' one and only Phil Collins classic 'In the Air Tonight' so now it doesn't have a tune. Interesting.
Code 4 have also lost a member. Why don't they call themselves Code 3 then! It's like Five all over again. NEVER have a number in your band name, or your Big Brother alliance. Any fool knows that. They are too cheesy for me. The way they ended that song made me want to puke. Olly: 'They gave 110%.' Should have kept the 10% back.
Have they seriously called this new group Miss Dynamix? How do Miss Dynamite and Little Mix feel about this? They are super cute. The blondish one sounds posh! I like the red haired one's voice. It's kind of husky. They are like the black Little Mix but better looking. They have to go through. I want them, Kingsland and Rough Copy to go through myself.
Now for the girls. The girls are the best category by a mile. Nicole Scherzinger is being an annoying show off. Nicole has got Mary J Bilge. At least she has a career, I suppose. She's a different class to Olly Murs but I find her somewhat impenetrable.
Wow, it looks beautiful where they are! Can I go on holiday there?
I like Tamera. I think she's really talented. I like it when people catch their breath between notes. I did prefer her blonde hair, though. Fucking hell, Scherzinger or Blige could have given her a cuddle when she was crying! Cold.
I like Jade! I love her voice and I love her look. I love the fact she has her arms out. She looks so cool compared to how she did when she was on it before. Just goes to show how changing your image can make you look like a completely different person. You can be a big girl and work it in a really individual way or you can be skinny and insipid (Melanie).
Ugh I can't stand this 'quirky' Abi girl. She's not even any good. I could name 500 real indie singers who are better than her. Her voice isn't even as good as toyboy tiger Diana Vickers.
I miss Relley's Cruella Deville hair! I like her, she's lovely. She was really fighting for it. Damn, I like too many of the girls! Nicole has a hard choice.  
Melanie bores the shit out of me. She's such a drip. I really hope she doesn't go through. Oh God, not 'this is my last chance' again. Push her off the pier. I do like that song she sang, and I do think she had a good voice, but I can't connect with her. Mary J seems quite emotional today.
Hannah is up next. I like the way she talks and she looks cool. 'I want to be in places like this'. I don't blame her, it looks like paradise there. Look at that water!
She made Nicole cry so that's a good sign. Ooh, Mary hugged her! That's a good sign, too. 'You're welcome'. So you've said.
I think I want Tamera, Jade and Hannah to go through. But I really like Relley, too. I can't decide! The girls are on a different PLANET to the boys and the overs. It's shame we can't have 5 girls and 1 over. It's criminal to let some of these go for prison officer woman, for example.
OK, so now we find out who Gary's putting through. First up is rag tag brood Kingsland (Road). Well, we know they're going through. Honestly, their clothes clash worse than mine. Charity shop eek.
'What about now, what about today, what about something... something...' Simon Cowell really likes this song, have you noticed? So WHAT about now? What? We'll never know. Oh, Kingsland got through.
Yay, Rough Copy got through! I'm glad, there's something likeable about them. Aw, Gary said he's going to try and get the other one back! That's so lovely! I hope that happens. Aw, sweet. That one crying was so lush. I want to cuddle them.
Hmm, will it be Brick City or Miss Dynamix? Seen as Gary put Miss Dynamix together, and Brick City seemed to be named after a bad session in the lav, the writing appears to be on the (toilet) wall.
I like the blonde one in Miss Dynamix's make up. She reminds me of Tamera! Gary put the three groups through I wanted! Who'd have thunk it?
I wish Abi would shut up about lacking confidence. You're on telly, you must be fairly confident. 'I can't get a no, I can't.' I hope you do.
I love the bow in Jade's hair! Oh no, Nicole dumped her again. That sucks! She BETTER NOT put Abi through instead. I'm going to flip. I don't like this bit where you can't tell who they're talking to. Oh no, Relley got dumped, too. Boo! Nicole is not choosing the people I want. I can't believe she chose Abi out of those three. She was dire. Also: should have worn waterproof mascara. I honestly can't see people picking up the phone for her. I really can't.
Tamera has the most amazing lips! She keeps going on about the bad things she did, I think it was smoking weed, wasn't it? Big deal. All this Nicole hasn't made up her mind bullshit doesn't wash with me. She knows exactly that she's taking Tamera through. It's all actressing!
Put Hannah through! Please don't put dopey Melanie through over her. Hannah has got heart. Melanie is as vacuous as a Disney princess. At least Nicole made the right decision there picking Hannah. I wish she'd put Jade through, though! Grr. It's cruel bringing people back and back and rejecting them again. Like the chairs. No Rylan theatrics this year, more's the pity. Ooh, she mentioned him! Do you think Nicole still talks to Rylan? He says she does, but come on.
Oh God, not this telling the families rigmarole again. I wonder how many people switch off at this point. I'm always amazed how big people's families are. There'd be like two or three people there for me, and only one would be a relation. I'd just get a shrug and a sausage in batter off my mum, my boyfriend and my best mate.
That was cute when Rough Copy were reuinited. I'm such a soppy sod! I need to get a grip. See you at the live shows. Not literally. I'll be sat on my couch as usual. Your weekend ends here.

The X Factor - Judges 'Ouses

Hello, and welcome to judge's 'ouses (always to be said in the style of Rylan Clark). Louis kicked off two of the boys I liked last week and instead picked posh Giles and some fat people. The musical-chairs-of-doom twist was unforgivable, and reassures me that the judges have neither nor soul or ethics. Here's your dream! Oh, no, give it to someone else. Sick fucks.
The girls category seems super strong; I think any of them could go through. As usual the oldies and the groups are a lame duck.
I know everyone hates Sharon, but I like her and her little dog, and she's more than a vast improvement on fun-vacuum drug-fixer Tulisa. 'Oh I don't do drugs, I just arrange for other people to get them.' That must be the most stupid thing I've ever heard, and I've seen her cousin Dappy on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
How Sharon has the gall to say the words 'the most incredible performer and writer' and then cart out the disgusting Robbie Williams is beyond me. He is the most gross, overrated, ugly, revolting piece of shit on the planet, with no redeeming features. I can't even look at him. He makes Gary Barlow look like he has the charm of Aaron Paul.
First up is the dowdy prison officer, giving it all the 'as a mother' bullshit. Spare me. She's so overrated. Her voice is not pleasant to listen to. I'm tired of Whitney. The standard on the US X Factor blows us out of the water. It really does. I've been really enjoying it!
Lorna is cute and has a nice voice. I think she deserves to go through. I bet you they put dowdy prison officer through over her, though. They always make the wrong decisions.
This next woman is 34? I am 33! She looks old enough to be my mother. I thought her audition was piss poor. It's a shame as I like her. I love her hair.
Another one going on about being a mother. And singing Coldplay. Double misery.
Fucking hell, this next one (Andrea) has bought a flute. She's yelping through High and Dry. Jesus, she just squeaked like when you tread on your cat's tail at the end.
This Joseph guy is an entitled prick, and is useless. I can't stand him! The way he was acting during musical fuck-you chairs was pathetic last week. Blah blah I'm broke, blah blah my son, that doesn't entitle you to be a popstar! He bummed a bunch of notes there. He's not even average, he's BELOW average. Pitiful.
Louis has brought someone from Westlife, someone from All Saints... and Sinitta. OK then. Which Appleton is this, Liam Gallagher's ex? All Saints are possibly the most boring girl band that ever existed.
First up from the boys is not-quite-committed-to-his-dreads, thingymebob. I'm so glad I'm too old to go out with boys who wear skinny jeans.
Next up is Sam who has a smug face. Take your bracelets off and grow up. It seemed like he was struggling to me, although he was better than the first one.
Ad chat: Oh Eminem. What has become of you?
Next up is Paul, who replaced the one I liked last week. This guy is the best one yet and he's still meh.
LOL to posh little twonk Giles singing 'You're Beautiful.' Get rid!
Ryan is another fat kid so no doubt there'll be some patronising 'which fat one will they put through' dramatics later. He was crap, too.
I like this one the best who sang 'a thousand years' last week. Why does he look like he's got a permanent black eye? Now someone's going to tell me it's some condition and I'm going to feel guilty. He looks he should be in Eden Lake, terrorising some middle-class people. I really hope they put him through, he's the only one I like. He's moved Barry from Westlife to tears.
OK, here we go. Not in the least bit surprised that as-a-mother-prison-warden got through. Hope they put Lorna through out of the next three. Oh, she is. Thank God. Those other two weren't good enough.
I hope they put the blonde fringey woman through over this knobhead going on as if he's the only man to have ever had a child on the planet. Yes. Sharon made the right choices.
Ad chat: Olly Murs makes me feel sick.
Lol Louis just said 'it's not good news... it's great news!' My boyfriend likes it when they say that. I don't care if Giles or fake dreadlocks or ruddy faced Ryan gets through. I only care about Nicholas! Sorry, Ryan, your left your job for nothing. Bad luck.
Ah, posh Giles got ditched. Boo woo. That means dready is through. I must admit, I prefer him out of the three. Louis's already trying to get him to wash his hair. He'll probably have a skinhead next week.
Oh, yes Louis put Nicholas through. Both fat ones got sent home! Discrimination! I actually think Louis made the right choices. Odd.
Ad chat: Gok. Get to fuck.
Oh now we have to watch them tell their families. Can't we watch the ones who went home and told their families they didn't get through? That would be more interesting. LOL, they ARE showing that, too. Hilarious. But THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Imagine having to be filmed telling your family you've not made it. That's horrid! I'd rather send them an email or something. Even that guy's MUM was entitled! When he said Sharon didn't put him through she goes 'you're joking'. No. He isn't.
Lorna was drinking from the bottle... good on her.
Is this over yet? I'm hungry. Too many adverts. And I don't like Xtra Factor anymore. I want something grim and gritty to watch after this. Ooh, I know, The Killing (US). I like Robocop dude.
See you tomorrow!

X Factor: The final - James Arthur wins

So here we are, friends. We've made it. The dragon has been slayed. Now both boys are really winners. We just have to see what awful single they're gonna inflict on them.
Nice to see Dame Gary Barlow has had a haircut and a shave tonight. Perhaps he'll crack a smile, too.
I don't wish it could be Christmas every day, imagine the hangover and the indigestion. This Christmas medley is going on about five minutes too long. Where's Christopher Maloney? Probably in rehab.
I don't think James Arthur's haircut is helping his new chubby face. Jahmene Jugless? I don't think they should do songs again we've already heard. Why can't James sing his own song?
Jahmene is doing Angels, so I'm quite concerned that the fat frog-faced fuckwit is going to come out and start shouting over it. Ah, he didn't. Phew.
I can't believe James Arthur is doing 'Let's get it on' again. He should have done the one with the wub wubs. This was his worst performance, in my opinion. It it involved none of his shouting or emotion, it's just sleazy and gross. Rubbish.
That was nice of Louis to say Nicole was the best mentor ever on the X Factor. Tulisa did a delayed clap. Gary said nothing. He's right though, she seemed to go that extra mile to take care of them and support them.
I'm glad they're acknowledging Cher Lloyd, they never mention her, and she's bigger in America than Cheryl now, and that makes me laugh heartily. I like her cheeky little ways.
One Direction make me feel physically sick, except the one I deem acceptable to fancy. Harry Styles is nothing but a dirty little slag, and adult magazines drooling over them are creepy. Every single one of their 'songs' sounds EXACTLY THE SAME.
I just did some investigative research on the Chris Maloney no-show and turns out he stormed off because he was only given one line in the medley. Imagine if this cunt had won it? What a bastard. I hope he disappears back down the drain, and fast.
Emily Sande is the dreariest person ever. Dull as fuck.
So Jahmene's winning single is going to be Let it be? FFS. Is it a different song for James Arthur? I really hope so. Let's hope Fab Macca doesn't come out. I can play Let it be in the keyboard. I can also play Oh, when the saints. I'd rather listen to the Frog Chorus than this bullshit. Why is Louis supporting Jahmene so hard? What about James?
I miss James Arthur's glasses! His song is better than Jahmene's. I recognise it but I don't know what it is. Was nice what Tulisa said to James. I love James's deadpan replies to everything. He's just so understated. I like people who don't play the game and are just surly on TV.
My boyfriend is so bored he's fallen asleep and I can't really blame him. I just set up a direct debit to Refuge, ironically when Rhianna was singing her dull song, quite flat. Oh now she's 'reimagining' We Found Love in a Hopeless Place. Oh, at least it kicked in at the end. Uh oh, she's making the crowd go 'ooh ooh'. I thought that went out of fashion in about 1989. I'm getting quite bored now.
Dermot: 'The results is in.' Is they? About time. And the winner is... 'Ja.......'
JAMES! Was so nice when him and Jahmene hugged for so long. There's genuine love between them. James was literally speechless.
Nicole looks kind of sad, I think she's sad for Jahmene. Anyway, I hope they don't fuck up James's career. I hope he gets to do his own songs. And he's got to give the proceeds of the song to charity? How's he going to get out of his bedsit at that rate? Jibbed!
That was nice when they all ran on and James was just cuddling Jahmene and didn't even notice Nicole run up. Loved Rylan hugging Nicole at the end.
A feel good ending, and one we could have had in about 30 minutes. Thanks for sending my boyfriend into a coma, Simon. Now I need to stun him awake somehow for Peep Show.
Congratulations, James. A worthy winner. Enjoy. 

X Factor: The final

Manchester, so much to answer for. Well, that was a jolly little intro to the show. I watched a bit of  programme about N Dubz last night (entirely by accident, of course) and all their songs were about nicking people's handbags! That's not right, is it?
Eh heh - Rylan has arrived! That's how to get the party started. Union J are on scooters. Spraggan! I'm surprised they've let her back in. Urgh, the Afghan. I'd forgotten about her. If only Ella (or Union J) were in the final rather than Mr 'Thanks for your support, it's been amazing' zzzz.
Jahmene looks like a little midget next to James and Chris. I never realised he was a little hobbit. I don't think Chris can open his mouth without 'thank you for support' coming out. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian and her 'emotional/ phenomenal' double bill of inanity.
My boyfriend just demanded I that I don't vote for James Arthur as I'll ruin his career. But I can't sit back and let Chris win. Not on my watch.
Nicole looks nice in red. Not sure Tulisa's dress fits her. Gary needs a shave. She described Jahmene as a 'man child'. This is the best publicity Asda has ever had. Let's hope Jahmene doesn't end up with an 'Oops' sticker on him. Nicole has obviously never eaten Asda meat or she wouldn't be so excited.
Ugh, now he tells us he's religious. How depressing. Nicole: 'Pray and vote for Jahmene.' But mostly 'vote'.
Jahmene has rented out Big Ben for the night. It's a big old venue, isn't it? He looks like he's got one of Hugh Heffner's jackets on. Falsetto times. I think that song quite suited him, actually.
I'll be interested to see what single they've picked to suit these three. A gospel, wub-wub cruise-ship combo. More likely it will be something completely unsuitable like Cannonball for Little Mix last year.
'THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT. ME NAN. EXCITED.' Argh! Shutupshutupshutupshutup. Nice cake. Maloney cupcakes. Creepy. Bloody Liverpool, first The Beatles, now this.
'He's as good as Nat King Cole.' That's a bit of a strange comparison. Gary, don't pretend you're ever going back to Christopher's nan's house again to eat her Iceland cream cakes. 'No one's stopping you.' Chris: 'except James and Jahmene.' Ha.
Chris is in the ghetto (blaster). What's this dated old trot he's singing? I feel like I'm at a musical and I hate musicals. Why is Nicole smiling? This man is standing in the way of her boys. Yay, Harry Hill ending. Christopher is a fan of the Harry Hill ending, and the rubbish songs he sings lend themselves to them. Louis: 'you're not going back to Liverpool.' Does he know something we don't? No one actually commented on his performance, it was all just sympathetic flim-flam.
Where's Olly Murs? I read this week that in a One Direction magazine they described Caroline as 'grandma Caroline' and said she 'looked like a goat'. Harsh! I think she's brilliant and pretty. She has come dressed as a Victorian nanny tonight.
'Christopher's another Tom Jones.' Oh God, one was enough. He's definitely using the same shade of fake tan.
I like Kevin Bacon talking about Jedward and Hollyoaks. I think that's the only advert I've liked all year.
Are they going to let James sing one of his own songs... nooooo, of course they're not. James channelling Dorothy: 'there's no place like home.' James Arthur has a nan, too. Nicole's horror at a bedsit. Yes, that's how people live, Nicole, you patronising cow. Welcome to Britain. I've lived in a bedsit smaller than that. Is Nicole his backing dancer now?
James is walking on stage like he needs the loo. He's doing Nina Simone, the Muse version. He's got pyramids behind him, so the Illuminati are on side, at least. He's got his jacket on, but it does look cold in there. He does look a bit Phil Mitchell in it, though. I watched his first audition last week and he looked like he'd put on about three stone. I still fancy him, though.
Don't worry, Tulisa, they'll know James is British from the teeth. And they will run away, crying. But we'll have him back. We embrace the bad tooth. Not nice of Nicole to call him 'mahoosive.', lol.
What's this song Kelly Clarkson is singing? Doesn't she have a couple of catchy ones? Why do they always do their dreary new single? Is this country music? It's awful. I don't think they've showed her face once. Has she got a massive spot or something? It's like Brandon Flowers behind those blinds all over again.
Do you think Nicole will ever speak to Jahmene again after this? Or will it be like the Pussycat Dolls all over again, and she'll change her number?
Oh Christ, Jahmene's singing Whitney. Has Nicole's mic broken? She's professional, isn't she? She's fixing that situation seamlessly! She coached him through that well. She doesn't sound bad, actually. I thought it improved it, if anything. It was added drama.
She looks MAD now. Someone's head is going to roll! That's the real Nicole right there! Jahmene handled that situation well, too. The term 'mic runner' is never going to be truer than in this moment. It'll be like someone who's done a failed lie detector test exiting the Jeremy Kyle studios.
Aw, Chris giving Gary the frame for his OBE was cute. My boyfriend just said, 'One day Chris Maloney could be OBE.' Hmm.
Gary and Chris are singing Rule the World. Ella sang this one better! My boyfriend says Chris is singing better than Gary. I despise them both equally. Chris looks so happy, bless him, in his Butlins jacket. How is Gary playing piano with one hand?
OMG Gary's as short as Dermot, and I've seen Dermot in Waitrose on Holloway Road, and he was short.
Ugh, what is this dreary song James and Nicole are singing? Awful song choice. They look like they're sat on the loo. I preferred 'Rule the world'. Nicole still looks miffed, and is giving James a weird look. Is she short-circuiting?
I like Rita Ora, she looks cool (usually) and I like that VIP song. What's up with her legs? Has she got clown pants on? Probably the most unflattering trousers I've ever seen. MEDLEY. I reckon she's going to rip those trousers off. She's got a Virgin Mary tattoo, cool. This second song is rubbish. Her hair is a bit Hilary Clinton tonight, but I still find her interesting. She looks like she needs to put a bra on, too. I think her stylist hates her. No trouser rip off, either.
Is Kylie going to do her reimagined version of Locomotion? I certainly hope not. She looks good, I think that dress is giving her fake curves. I like her hair colour and her eyebrow doesn't look like it's stapled halfway up her forehead either. I wouldn't mind looking like that in my mid forties. LOL Dermot is barely taller than Kylie, the smallest person in pop.
Ooh I was really worried when Jahmene went through that it was the end of James. But they did it. Yay! Happy times. Chris was a good sport, too. It was nice seeing Nicole hugging Dermot. Her boys made it!
LOL to the cameraman hitting the deck there! There's been a few rewind moments tonight.
Jahmene is carrying James! He must have the strength of ten men. Must be lugging all those tins in Asda.
That was good! It didn't drag too much either and I watched it with the adverts. James FTW! Maloney has been defeated. We can all sleep at night again. See you tomorrow.

X Factor: the results

I wish I could be as happy and in love as Tulisa; her miserable face is such a good advert for going out with some footballing philanderer. I certainly hope they live happily ever after so Tulisa's unbridled joy can continue to shine out of her like she's R-Pattz hanging around in a badly CGI-ed forest.
Just when you think things can't get shitter, out comes Rod Stewart with some Merry Christmas/ Happy New Year bullshit, and a lyric about getting 'a Kanye West CD' unless I misheard.
Tulisa's clips package shows she looks better blonde; except for for when she went straw yellow and forgot to put a toner on. Isn't Tulisa aways having a go at Union J for standing on boxes? She's so cold and unfriendly and the shit she writes in Twitter shows she's a complete imbecile, too. I don't think Simon Cowell should put us with her calling people out and starting fights, it's not appropriate for a judge who's essentially on a children's show. I just can't even stand to look at her anymore.
Her song is insipid. I hope the others give her some critique at the end and tell her it's a bag of shit. I will give her something, she CAN sing, but she sounds croaky. At least she cracked a smile at the end, she's actually giving Gary Barlow a run for her money in the sourpuss Olympics for the past two weeks. But what happened to her 'urban roots'? This crap just sound like sub-standard Taylor Swift. Dappy must be agog. 
Some good product placement in the adverts then; an advert for Tulisa's album, and then an advert with 'The power of love' on it. No wonder Frankie was ringing up James to give him his best wishes, he probably raked in a few grand over that.
Why is Simon Cowell always pushing these good causes on us in the middle of an entertainment show? He does exactly the same thing on X Factor US and it's excruciating.
Dermot, the word is DETERIORATE not DETERIATE. Sort yourself out. This is getting on my nerves. If I want to help a charity, I will, one of my choosing. I work for a charity. Simon could fund 50 charities with his millions. I just want to find out if James Arthur is going through or not. Get off my back with the emotional blackmail, already.
I like Pink, not her music, but her attitude. And she does have a few toe-tappers, you must admit.
This song's a bit dirgy, I preferred the one she did on Alan Carr recently. Is she pregnant? Looks like she's trying to cover something up in that dress. Her voice doesn't sound so good tonight. That guitar part was unnaceptable.
It's crunch time! We're down to the wire, etc. I'm sure it will be Union J who go, as much as I want it to be the Halloween pumpkin.
James and Christopher through. It's gotta be Union J to go. It is. Aw, that was so cute the way James and Jahmene hugged. I'm sad to see Union J go, especially with Christopher still there, ugh. I thought they went out very classy. I like the fact they're singing 'you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess.' Say no to pronoun changing. One Direction never won it, anyway, and Union J are better than One Direction. They should have sung this song last night, it's better than both the songs they sang.
It seems so unfair they're gone and Christopher 'I'm so grateful for the support' 'I love me nan' is still there. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian on X Factor US for just repeating the same meaningless .
Who on earth is going to want to do a duet with him next week? Probably Gary Barlow will have to step in and do it. Bad luck, GBa. Still, at least James got through. And we only have to watch it for one more week.

The X Factor: The results

Tulisa, watch your hair in that St Lucia heat. Lay off the Sun-In, for fuck's sake. She's come as a stick of rock to go with the candy floss hair. Still, beats Northampton with Gary Barlow, doesn't it? My boyfriend reckons there's a Morrison's right behind 'Gary's house'.
I'm really glad Ella went through. She's the best of the girls by a mile. 
I want Irish Jade to go through but I like 'I'm-a-struggling-mum sob story' Jade as well. Irish Jade has got some great wonky lipliner and blue nail varnish on. She's unique!
The black girl is not going through because she has so little personality that I can't remember her name. And she just stomped off and didn't even say thanks for the opportunity. Bad loser.
I don't like the way you can't tell which one Tulisa's speaking to! It's really fucking annoying. It must be horrible for the losing person to watch it back, as you're literally a camera angle away from getting a yes. 
Oh no, she didn't put my Jade through! Boo. I thought she was really good. I don't think 'mum sob story' Jade is as good as Irish lipliner Jade. But I suppose she's more likeable because she's a MOTHER zzz.
I think Lucy's going through out of these last two. I do like the other one (who's name I've also forgotten - but the fact I've forgotten her name probably says it all). At least she said thank you for the opportunity. I'm glad Lucy made it; I hope they don't make her do covers every week, though.
I think MK1 are going to go through. I like the girl, she's cute. The other band is a bit too all over the place. Louis made the right choice; and he's very sorry. Poor dude from MK1 couldn't even jump up and celebrate because of his crutches.
Put Poisonous Twin through! I don't even know what this other young boyband are called. It's just another bunch of acronyms, no doubt. FKOF, perhaps. WTF, Louis sent Poisonous Twin home. Can't believe Louis did the 'it's not good news, it's great news' line. That shit is old as time. Both Poisonous Twin and Duke would be better than those
Triple J or whatever they're called now are up against this cheesy band. They're all holding hands. Barry Styles looks like he's going to cry. Oh, they did put them through.
Cheesy dudes went 'you're joking' when Louis ditched them. He's not.
Oh it's Union J who went through and nearly put Louis' back out cuddling him. Be careful, he mightget aroused. So two soppy boybands for Louis: thanks for the variety. Where's the Wagner/ Jedward?
James MUST go through. My boyfriend is saying he needs a makeover. He'll be back next week with Brandon Flowers' teeth, I bet you. Now Nicole is doing the 'it's not good news, it's... frikking amazing news' schtick. Aw, nice when he called home. Nice to have family who love you.
I don't think they're going to put Jake through because he looked at the floor the whole time he sang. It's a shame because he's easy on the eye.  He's got pedal pushers on, too. Did I miss the pedal pushers memo? Sorry to see Jake go.
I don't think Nathan is going through. He's nice enough, but he's too generic. I think Jahmene is going through. Nicole-bot is pretending to show emotion, badly. Jahmene was cute when he got through, he was speechless, bless him.
PUT RYLAN THROUGH! I'm going to hit the roof if they don't. He's mega. He'll wear the best outfits, too. He'll be fabulous in every sense of the word.
This other beardy bloke Adam didn't do that great. He's cute but he's no Jake.
Rylan's reaction to being put through was the best reaction to being put through in a competition EVER. Fucking brilliant! I cried, I laughed. You could tell he 100% thought it was a no. He slumped on the floor wailing, he wiped his face on a cushion, he said 'is this a wind up?' and told Dermot he was 'bang out of order' for no particular reason. Nicole Scherzinger didn't know where to look. It was truly heartwarming TV - just pure happiness. 
I'm not surprised Gary didn't put Grotbags through, he never liked her, but he seems to have a hard-on for that annoying hippy.
I knew he'd put Kye through. Brad going 'I thought I was going to get a yes'. Don't EVER think that. I wouldn't ever presume such a thing.
I can't remember what this brunette woman is called, but she's not going through. She looks like Natasha Giggs. OMG he did put her through! I was sure he was going to cut her. Weird.
I think Gary must be putting Christopher through over Melanie now. Melanie: 'to leave my children is such a sacrifice' - well, I didn't ask you to have them, so spare me the martyrdom. Who's her daughter anyway, Nicola Roberts?
Christopher might give Rylan a run for his money in the blub factor if he gets through. OMG, Gary put Melanie through! What a load of balls. She's rubbish. How could he put Melanie and the brown haired woman through over him?! Ha, Melanie's daughter IS a mini Nicola Roberts.    
Oh OK, there's a twist and one more person can go through. It's between Amy, Christopher, Adam and Times Red (Good band name - snort). Vote Christopher!
There's three interesting characters to watch in the live shows at least: Ella, James and Rylan.
It's good news.... my blog's over.

X Factor: (Not the) Judges houses

Ok so I'm blogging X Factor even after declaring I'd never watch it again. I've been enjoying X Factor US and The Voice US so much, that I crawled back to our substandard version. The judges on the US X Factor work: there's the gentle-but-dead-behind-the-eyes Britney, enthusiastic puppy Demi Lovato, and Chief head-wobbler LA Reid. In the US X Factor this week, Simon didn't bother to turn up and they sent Louis Walsh over as 'guest judge'. They mentioned none of his credentials (not even Jedward) and they didn't even say he was a producer. It was just like this weird Irish idiot turned up for ten minutes and it was never mentioned again. Just like the fact they have no host.
The Voice US is superior because it has the super cuddly Ceelo Green, the so blonde-her-hair's-snapping-off, spilling out of her dress and often drunk Xtina, and head buffoon, Adam Levine. There's also some country douche, but we don't mention him.
Anyway, on with our cut-price bollocks. Shouldn't judges houses have an apostrophe in it somewhere somewhere?
One band has already left 'due to a visa issue'. Is this a euphemism? Shouldn't Simon Cowell get this shit checked out before bands get to that stage? Did he learn nothing from giving a wife beater a million quid on Red or Black?
Tiny Tempah is helping out Tulisa in St Lucia (he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house, don't you know). He generously said, 'there's probably space for one or two more female artists in the charts right now.' to which my boyfriend replied 'Well if they let pricks like you in the charts, I'd say there's plenty of space.' Who is Tiny to decide when the female popstar tally is full? They should get him working on border control next.
Louis is in Las Vegas with Sharon Osbourne. She should be on the real panel, not the simpering lettuce leaf Nicole - 'not good enough for the US one but she'll do for us cunts'. Nicole is with Neyo in Dubai. 
LOL Gary Barlow's group got to go to Northampton. St Lucia, Dubai, Las Vegas... Northamptonshire. That's what I call the short straw. Because I'm from there. So Gary Barlow has got Sinitta (sorry, Cheryl Cole) helping him as usual. I find Chezza about as warm and lovable as cat sick, so I'm not overly impressed, but she'd still be better on the panel than... er, all of the others. I feel like Simon Cowell doesn't give a shit about the UK version anymore, he gives us pathetic judges like Nicole and how the dour, stony-faced Gary got the gig after last year, lord only knows. Gary Barlow has about as much charisma as a sausage. And at least sausages are nice.
The groups are up first. So two more bands get a chance to come back because of the 'visa' issues. The first one, who's name escapes me, did a medley of Bob Marley an Pink. The second band Mitsotu, who we'd never seen in our lives before, as they were clearly always marked for failure, are also poor.
MK 1 (isn't that the Milton Keynes shopping centre?) are the ones who's third member got cut only after making them promise to give him 33% of all profits. I wonder is Syco has given him 500 quid to fuck off yet.
Union J have had to change their name from Triple J because Simon has decided to shoehorn a Harry Styles lookalike into their band. I'd be pissed off if an extra heartthrob was brought into my group. I think they should have renamed the group Triple J + 1. I think all the acts have been rubbish so far. Triple J are sucking the life out of the annoying-but-catchy Call Me Maybe.
I like Poisonous Twin and their scouse brows. At least they've got personality. This beat box group can fuck off.
The final act is called GMD3. Why are all these bands fucking acronyms? It's like trying to work my way round the periodic table! Bullshit. Off with their heads. I could think of better band names than this in about 30 seconds. Fuck me, this is the worst one yet. Louis' category is a bag of shit. I hope he puts through MK Ultra, Poisonous Twin, and then any of the shit boybands.
Dermot looks knackered. Can't he get some botox or something? They wouldn't let a woman presenter on TV looking so craggy.
Back to Dubai to see Princess Nicole beating her slaves and sitting by a ginormous bowl of fruit. Oh, and her category is the boys. 
James Arthur is my pick to win it. He's like Plan C. AWFUL song choice, so old fashioned and a bit defeatest singing a song called 'I can't make you love me'. There's just something very likeable about him. I liked the way he was clutching his shirt on one of his previous auditions. He has it: the X Factor. And he's the only one so far.
The next guy sang Neyo's song. He's not going through.
Adam I liked before, but he's doing a really shit song which barely goes up or down. No one would even pick this song to do at karaoke. I thought he could have done a lot better.
Jake I fancy. His brother is terminally ill, but he's carrying on like a trouper, anyway. He's singing Take That. Perhaps he thought he was getting Gary Barlow as his judge. He's also singing to the floor. Another uninspired song choice; why don't they sing something moving or unique? They are all looking like losers right now. Sing something to make the judges cry.
Rylan is absolute genius. The story he told on Xtra Factor about getting his wallet stolen by a fox was probably the funniest thing I heard last week. Rylan's come as Kylie Minogue. I hope he goes through, he's really entertaining. He's doing a mournful version of Rhianna.  He's got the Stacey Solomon factor.
This next guy Jahmene who murdered Moves Like Jagger actually did a reasonable version of Titanium. But he bores me.
Ok now we're back with Tulisa and the girls. I think she's got the best category, but still hasn't worked out how to put a toner on her hair. Her stylist must really hate her guts - you can buy them in Boots for 99p - and he's done her up like Trailer Trash Barbie.
I like Jade but I don't think she's brilliant. She's got heart but I'm not sure she could win it. I like Amy as well but I don't love her. At least her song choice was modern. They showed about two seconds of Leanne so I take it she's not going through.
I like Jade and her clown makeup and her doing it for her 'daddy' in prison.
Lucy is obviously talented but not as unique as they make out. It was quite brave of her to do Whitney, but put a quirky spin on it. I'll be pissed off if she doesn't go through.
Ella is the best of all the girls. Like James Arthur, she could easily win it, plus she writes her own songs. She's really good.
And now we're back with Gary and a hard-faced Cheryl Cole in Northampton (she'll fit right in, we love a good punch up there). Just as good as Vegas. Gary's category (the overs) is dreadful. Tulisa could have put four or five of her category through.
I have never seen this Carolynne person before. She sounds out of time. And she's singing fucking Boyzone. Bollocks.
Aw, that was quite nice when Gary gave Nicola some reassurance. I don't know why she got through. They should have put Hayley from Pop Idol through, she had a lovely voice. Tragedy? Of all the songs to sing.
Brad is dated, boring and looks like a used car salesman. He sang the Final Countdown in a club style; I couldn't even tell what song it was.
I HATE this Melanie 'I'm a mother' bore. She looks like someone who'd try and sell you a bag of heather at a festival. I bet her house if full of runes and windchimes. She's DULL! I don't know why Gary likes her so much. Gary's pretending he's not going to put her through because she's got kids; er wouldn't that be discrimination?! They'd never say that to a man. Douchebag.
Kye is actually alright, if he stops going on about being a chimney sweep and having to work for a living (yes, like we all do). Ooh, he hit a bum note. That was a shame. Adam Levine wouldn't stand for that crap.
Christopher is the most of earnest auditionees ever. He's wearing his heart on his forehead. Another awful, old-fashioned song, and he's singing it really camp. I still think they'll put him through, though, because the grans will love him.
As much as I can't stand Cheryl Cole, she's actually quite gracious to come back on a show she was basically sacked from. I'd swap her for Tulisa any day. And I'd swap Nicole Scherzinger for Wagner.
Cheryl's glad she's 'got a car coming soon.' Let's hope Will.i.am isn't driving it. Or... hmm, perhaps I'll leave it at that. 

X Factor: The final

So obviously I've still been watching X Factor, even though it's fairly turgid (as is the US version). I like Marcus, Little Mix and Amelia. I don't like Kelly Rowland, Gary Barlow, or Tulisa.
I don't know who I want to win, really. Little Mix are fun and Amelia has the best voice, but I've always liked Marcus, too, although the songs they keep making him do are interminable. It makes it a bit boring when you don't really care who wins, I want a Rhydian character to despise and hiss at.
I know one thing, Dermot seems to be having a lot more fun on the UK one than Steve 'crab eyes' Jones ever does o'er the sea.
I'd be a bit disappointed to find out I was duetting with Kelly Rowland and not, say, Lady Gaga or whoever they usually have on.
How many times tonight are we going to hear 'it would be great for a girl group to win it' and 'Amelia is the comeback kid'.
Does it favour Marcus if they all sing a Take That song at the start? It looks like they haven't bothered doing Amelia's hair.
Gary Barlow has been the particular bugbear of the series, pissing all over everything with his dour, pinched little face and a voice Jordan would consider monotone. Oh, look at Gary winning over Marcus's gran. I'll just forget about all the dirty tricks he's pulled this season, such as calling Amelia 'shouty' when she's a much better singer than Marcus.
Marcus sounds out of tune doing Outkast. At least he's doing something different, I suppose, but I've hated every song he's done since 'Smooth Like Jagger' and I only like that because it makes me laugh. Stop going 'woo', Marcus. I feel like I'm watching CDUK.
I'm thrillled that little runt Jeff Brazier isn't doing the outside broadcasts this year. I don't like Olly Murs, but I think Caroline Flack is good, she's quite natural.
When Tulisa goes 'it's my little muffins, little mix' it makes me cringe. Little Mix visited four people's home towns, so that's four times the votes, right? Little fix, lol!
Little Mix sang loads better than Marcus. I thought they were quite entertaining. I think I'd quite like to see them win it. They're like Manga girls.
I bet Kelly Rowland has never been in a house as small as Amelia's. She probably keeps her dog in a similar square-footage.
I wish Amelia would stop wearing that baby pink coat with her baby pink hair. Enough with the baby pink!
Oh, god, now she's come out in a vile baby pink dress! I think the stylist is in cahoots with Gary Barlow. I hate this song so much. Little Mix FTW, it's decided. She should have done a good power ballad.
Every time I see JLS I always think about that one going 'merry Christmas' which they took the mick out of on TV Burp. JLS outsung One Direction by a mile. My boyfriend says the One Direction lyrics sound like a 'paedo trying to court a four year old'. Mash up! Those two songs go together like Pat Sharpe and tact.
Marcus's baby pictures were cute. What's this song him and GBar are signing? Turgid times! Should have done Flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood. It's not exactly Matt Cardie trying to hump Rhianna, is it? I honestly think Marcus has blown it.
Tulisa looks like a grandma up there with Little Mix. Her outfit is all wrong, she looks like Cruella. I think it was a bit too po-faced. I think they should have gone a bit more fluffy - they should have sung the Spice Girls or something.
Kelly's song choices are so, so, so out of touch. I wouldn't be in the slightest bit surprised if Amelia went home tonight. All those duets were whack, actually.
Why is Leona Lewis singing Nine Inch Nails? She should do 'I want to fuck you like an animal' instead. 'I want to feel you from the inside out.. you bring me close to God' etc. Every song Leona Lewis covers is the same from Run to this, it's just one big build up, just a big vocal show-off. She's got the voice though. But can she write a song? Hair-watch: I prefered hers curly.
Buble! The flukiest man in pop. How did he get so famous, all does is covers. And he's looking a bit porky. I do like him though! Not his music, but he seems like someone you could take home to meet your mum.
WTF is the point in saying 'good luck to everyone'? You might as well say 'good luck to none of you!'
Amelia is gone. It feels like the right result in a way. I kind of think Marcus is going to win. He seems hugely popular. Amelia took it well - I suppose she's used to it!
The cutest final two ever! They look like they should be made into dolls and given away with Happy meals. Marcus is the same height as Little Mix, too.
I just want to mention Steve 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges' Jones once more before I go. Simon must look at Dermot's easy charm and gran-friendly humour and weep. See you tomorrow.

The X Factor - Love & Heartache

Well last week's twist was pretty rubbish, wasn't it? It's left us with a bunch of old duffers in the competition and cut decent or fun people like Amelia or 2 shoes.

Nu Vibe on first? They really are being punished for last week, aren't they? See ya!

Did Tulisa just say she can't stand Dappy? Lol. Join the queue.

How can they make With or Without You more palatable? Well, taking Bono off helps. But this is duff. I wonder what 2 shoes would have done this week? Why are they always giving Nu Vibe rubbishy dance tunes? My boyfriend has renamed them 'No Direction'. Where's the cute one? Gary stole Louis's 'no vibe' joke.

I think whoever is styling Tulisa is mates with Cheryl Cole, because they're making her look like crap every week. Last week it was the two-tone highlights, this week a harsh black bun. She looks like she's off to a Greek funeral. I wouldn't mind if she was actually a good judge, but she's not, I've heard more concise criticism round the water cooler.

Why is Sammi going on about her weight? Shouldn't it be about the singing? And why do they make her up to look so old? She looked young and fresh faced in the clip before, but they've made her look like an old granny.

I wish Kelly Rowland would 'put it down'. Gary is so po-faced, what a miserable fuck. It makes me sick all this love for him, he just comes across like a curmudgeon with none of the charm or grace of Simon. My boyfriend has declared him 'Gary Cropper' but I think that's a bit harsh on Roy. At least he's loveable. I think Gary needs to get off that diet and let his hair down a bit. Since when did he become the elder statesman of pop, anyway? Fucking hell, next year they'll probably stick H from Steps (aka Donny Tourette's stepladder) on the judging panel and expect me to eat it. 'Oh H, please put me through! I really want to meet Lee Latchford-Evans' at the judges house stage!'

That song Craig did was rubbish. I like him but he's a bit overrated. I'm not surprised that song was Beyonce. I have a gene that makes me hate every song she's ever put her name to.

Oh piss off with your sob story about liking heavy metal music, Janet. I don't like her performances at all, she just leaves me cold. But I might as well get used to it as she's going to be in for a long time.

Frankie was awful! I love that Coldplay song, and it normally makes me cry, but it showed up the weaknesses in his voice really badly. They took out all the drama and build up in that song, too. Swagger fail, lol.

Johnny at least brings a bit of light to the competition, and I liked 'vogue' and 'you can rub my lamp anytime'. It really is a miracle to make Barlow crack a smile, he's concentrating so hard on looking sour/sexy, which he isn't, and I speak with some conviction, because I used to fancy him in the 90s.

I love Marcus, but that song was dreary. I hope it doesn't put him in jeopardy.

(My computer died for a while so I'm playing catch up, as Roy Walker says).

I really like Rhythmix, I think they're fun and cute, and a bit of a mess vocally, but in a good way. They're like cartoon characters.

Mischa has come as a Quality Street. I said to my boyfriend 'do you recognise this song? It's Charlie and Eddie.' and he goes, 'Oh, that used to be a good song.'

The Risk are perfectly pleasant. I'm already bored by them.

Sophie should have gone last week, yo. Amelia was a lot more exciting and interesting than her (well, she was before they sucked all her natural style out of her, and left her with bedraggled pink hair and frosted lipstick, crying).

At least they gave Sophie a fringe, she needed one. But they've made her look so duff and mumsy. Why can't they make teenagers look a bit cool? It's like they take their natural style and suck it out of them and put it back together like your mum buying you a grotesque jumper and saying 'this is your sort of thing isn't it?' Sophie can sing, but she's got no X Factor.

What's the point in hating Kitty? Everyone knows a Kitty. You just let them get on with it. I like her antagonism towards people booing her. She should go on Celeb Big Brother. She looks rather botoxed. Isn't she only 28? She should have done Hyperballad by Bjork instead. No one can EVER do It's Oh So Quiet as well as Janice Battersby did on Stars in Their Eyes once. That was TV gold. I thought Kitty's version was quite good, too, actually. I'd take her over Janet any day.

X Factor - Replacement judge roulette

It seems weird to have X Factor and Big Brother on at the same time, like reality worlds are colliding. It's like having Easter eggs at Christmas.
'I want to be as big as Adele'- just keep eating, it's not that hard. Oh Dermot, does it stick in your craw, still trading insults with Louis whilst Steve Jones butters up Paula Abdul.
Judge roll call: Kelly Rowland. The most boring girl band member of all time. Tulisa- well at least NDubz have a few catchy tunes. I don't like her being forced to say she's 'gobby'. No man ever gets described as gobby, so I just see labelling women as gobby as telling them to STFU.
Gary Barlow looks skinny. I always fancied him the most out of Take That. I'm not sure about him as a judge though, I think it's just his accent that makes me feel deeply depressed.
The first contestant wants to be famous to sleep with girls. Well, at least he's honest. Bum tats! He's got some guts. He can't sing though, his voice is reedy. Predictably, they're all loving it.
I can imagine Simon taking a shine to this obnoxious yellow haired girl. She's a bit shrieky for my liking though. Oh, and she's an arsehole. Tara Palmer Cuntkinson.
Wow, some 30 year old's are really ageing badly. I don't really like this panel, but I like the lack of Cheryl being Simon's favourite girl, and Dannii getting sidelined. This panel seem to genuinely like each other.
Woah look at that turtle neck Dermot's wearing. Did he nick that out of Deirdre Barlow's closet? And those chinos? He's dressed like he's going to Christian camp.
The sickly Goldie singing copper bell and grabbing her boobs is quite good. She's 50? Fuck me. I was certain she was going to puke up on stage, but alas, no.
Stage school brat doing Your Song. Sorry, I forgot to care. Just like in Dragon's Den they spend too long on each section and it gets boring.
I like this chav who's come to clear his name. I think he's going to need the attitude adjuster again after as he's dire! I think the friends and family are going to shank Dermot.
I kind of like Kelly Rowland's look but not her stick-on fringe. Tulisa has enormous eyes. She's like a ghetto Disney princess. I liked the way she dealt with that guy. And Kelly standing it up and giving it all that too. Riot grrls!
No dogs allowed! LOL to Dermot being the tell off man. 'Watch your mouth- don't call girls that.' I'm glad we've got the four foot eleven Dermot taking charge of things. I think my money would be on Tulisa over him in a fight.
PS: Louis. I think your top up of botox is overdue.