The X Factor - Love and heartbreak

The flash vote is shit! Bring back deadlock, dumbasses.
Ugh, this prison officer loves football. So she's a control freak and a misogynist. Notice she mentioned football before her husband as the great love of her life. She looked cute in her wedding pics: must be hard work in those prisons! Surprise, surprise she's singing some boring arse song that you'd rather punch yourself in the face than listen to. I wish they'd make them just do new songs FFS. I'm tired of hearing fucking Whitney, Mariah and all that bollocks. Half the time you could be watching an X Factor from five years ago. My only hope is that as she's on first, people won't vote for her. I'm sure my mum loves her, I'm sure yours does, I personally think she's a boring, plate-faced personality void. No offence, ha! Even Nicole is saying she doesn't like it. Jam-honesty! Louis is pretending like he thought of the 'Screw-bo' joke. He didn't.
Dear God, even Kingsland Road like football?! I thought they were meant to be hipsters. This song is pure cheese. I wish they'd be a bit edgier. And if you believe that all of them are straight - clue, the black one definitely isn't - then you must be mad. I'd say up to three of them are probably gay. The dance routine was fucking awful. Them winking and leering was gross. The only thing that was OK was their singing.
I pretty much missed Nicholas's performance as I find that song so dreary and I was ranting about something on FB. So I missed Sharon's paedo comments. Oh well.
Abi's funereal version of Can't Get You Out of My Head was profoundly depressing. Is there a song on the planet that this bitch won't ruin? Everything about her annoys me; the budget specs, her boring personality and sub-indie schmindy ick music she does. I thought Sharon gave her some great advice. My advice would be, try spending more than £100 on your glasses. It's a worthwhile investment.
I like James Arthur in the audience all awkward. He was someone worth championing last year.
Oh Christ, Shelley is singing Single Ladies, probably one of the most offensive songs on the planet. That lyric 'if you like it then you should have put a ring on it' is both a disservice and insult to women everywhere. But what can you expect from a woman who's main interest in life seems to be seeing how many species she can endanger with her revolting husband? This song is a crime against women. Needless to say, Shelley is no Beyonce. But at least she's not Illuminati.
Oh so Miss Dynamix can't sing because the pregnant one is ill. This will give the misogyny brigade some more grist for their mill. 'She should be at home, waa waa waa'. Shut up.
I wish Sam Callaghan would take a walk... I don't mind where, could be into a canal, or just off a cliff, not bothered, really. He has the charisma of a potato. He has a face like a potato. Except I like potatoes. He just sounded like he was on the loo for the high bit. I don't think he's going to go the distance, I really don't.
I like Tamera. I just don't like this song. But I do think she could win it - she has a talent and stage presence the others don't have. I wish they wouldn't keep changing her look each week, I liked her blonde.
So Luke has been put in a boat this week. When's the water coming to make him fuck off? I'd like to see him and his pathetic hair bobbing off into the distance. Things I know about him: hair. mum. It's not enough to be a popstar, kiddo! You just haven't earned it yet baby. He's got a hanky hanging out of his back pocket. Apparently this means you're gay, and you're saying what type of gay sex you like. I'll leave you to fill in those gaps. I will say that he did appear to be able to carry a tune tonight, which is more than I can say for previous weeks.
Rough Copy have gone a bit cheeseball this week, too. Some interesting clothing going on there, too. I like them, but hope they don't get too watered down. I liked one of them whipping the mic off Dermy.
This backstage bit with Caroline Flack is just boring padding and filler. She's better than this!
If I never have to hear anyone sing 'Beautiful' again, I'd appreciate it. I like Hannah, though. She looks cool and she seems lovely, and she sang with passion. Aw, her comments were cute at the end.
Are Kingsland Road really in the bottom two? What a load of shit. Neither of those groups should be in the bottom two. Hmm. Bad buzz. Bring back deadlock!

The X Factor - the results

I don't think I'm going to be blogging a lot of these results shows. I've just got this feeling that I'm not going to get into X Factor this year. Get Lucky isn't really helping; hearing the original is enough to make me want to vomit. What's with the gyrating?! Make it stop. Bring back the Dermot trouser talk - it's less gratuitous.
Oh God, now we've got to put up with Ellie Goulding and her enormous moon face singing about something insignificant. Did the world request another Sharleen Spiteri when my back was turned? This song is just what I expected; a big pile of nothing. Who are her fans? Really? Even her thighs on show are unexciting. This is music for people who find Ed Sheeran a bit edgy. And she probably got her career bankrolled by her daddy, just like that hobbit.
No deadlock! WTF. Deadlock is the best bit of the results show. That sucks. I wonder why they've got rid of that. Probably because Louis kept fucking it up. That's going to remove quite a bit of suspense, actually.
Cher is on next. No, not Cher Lloyd, 'if I could turn back time' Cher.
The 'flash vote' actually ruins some of the suspense of tonight, too, because we already know one of the people on the block. Why are they meddling with all the suspense?! Leave that suspense where it is. Didn't they also tell us last night that it would be two people in Sharon's group going home, or did I dream that?
So Lorna and Shelley are in the bottom two. I feel sorry for Lorna, I like her! I wish it had been Luke.
I think the problem with Shelley is they've feathered her fringe a bit, and it looked better blunt. No wonder it's knocked her confidence: no one wants a wispy fringe. What's she wearing? Looks like she's going for a job interview. I guess she might be later.
Did Sharon just forget Lorna's name, or was she pausing for dramatic effect? Lorna also has 'work trousers' on, unflattering ones. Lorna is better than Shelley. Case closed.
Why is Sharon drinking out of a teacup, who does she think she is, Lady Gaga? She's abstaining from voting. She's becoming so affected, I've forgotten what her real personality is.
What the fuck! Did they really send Lorna home? She blew Shelley AWAY. I honestly can't believe that. I'm shocked. I thought Louis was just hamming it up when he voted for Shelley. Also, Lorna got more votes than Shelley, shouldn't that be taken into consideration by the judges, what the public want? Boo. Not sure I'm going to carry on blogging X Factor. I don't really care, and I'm not sure anyone else does. Huff!

The X Factor - 80s night

Why, hello there. Oh, God, it's 80s night. I hate the 80s. The only band I like from the 80s are The Smiths and I can't see someone busting out Panic tonight. I'll be happy to take that back if they do.
Is it just me or is Dermot looking a little tired? Maybe he's just getting old, or he's tired of life, or he's tired of X Factor. More likely he's just tired of bouncing from foot to foot like the world's oldest schoolboy.
Sharon Osbourne walked out like she was someone with a walking stick on Jeremy Kyle, pretending they're disabled to get benefits. She's also dressing like an old dear, now, too.
Are they all pointing at Dermot's willy? Is that normal? It's a family show, etc. What sort of person looks at people's crotches anyway? It's creepy!
Hannah's on first: the shit spot. Best sing up, girl. I like her blue eyeshadow and that building behind her. I do not like her outfit. That skirt is vile. I also do not like this song. The only pop song I like from the 80s is Freedom by Wham. Oh, and I like Like a Prayer, but I think that was 90s. I thought that was quite a lacklustre start to the show, to be honest. Her performance was stiff and the song was crap.
I like Nicholas. I do not like Spandau Ballet. I do not like the fact I had to look up how to spell it. And I thought he sounded a bit flat in places. Is Nicole coming onto a fifteen year old? I think she is. Wow.
One of Miss Dynamix is pregnant. The way people were going on about it, you'd think she was disabled. Women have babies and jobs. Get over it. As for their performance, I thought it was a bit flat and their dance moves were a bit 'Jedward', ie. all over the shop. I do like them, though, so I hope they survive.
I really couldn't be less interested in this prison screw. Get your teeth fixed. Power ballads! Somebody shoot me. This episode has been boring as fuck so far. This Sam guy has a squashed face like he's run into a wall. His voice is drowning in backing vocals.
Kingsland Road have at least been entertaining, and appear to be able to sing. I think the 80s suits them - I mean, just look at their normal clothes. I think they could go quite a long way. It's like the X Factor's first hipster boyband.
I kind of missed Shelley as I was rummaging in a cupboard for things to sell on ebay. But I got the general gist.
The inspid Abi is doing Bon Jovi on the piano. Fuck off.
I like Lorna, but I have a feeling people won't vote for her because they're always pushing prison woman instead. Tamera is really good but I don't like this song.
Luke's up next. Does this dude have ANYTHING other than dirty hair. Looking like Worzel Gummage is NOT a route to becoming a popstar. He's singing out of tune as well.
Much as I like her, this bit with Caroline Flack is completely pointless. Isn't this drivel what Xtra Factor is for?
I like Rough Copy but I'm not feeling Phil Collins, to be honest. Nicole seems to think it was shamazing. I think Kingsland were the best of the lot tonight.
Oh, now there's some twist. Oh they're gonna choose the bottom two now. It's two of the overs! Well. Not really a shock.
Considering what a long show that was, this is quite a short blog. I don't know much, but I know that's not a good sign.

The X Factor - Judges 'Ouses

Hello, and welcome to judge's 'ouses (always to be said in the style of Rylan Clark). Louis kicked off two of the boys I liked last week and instead picked posh Giles and some fat people. The musical-chairs-of-doom twist was unforgivable, and reassures me that the judges have neither nor soul or ethics. Here's your dream! Oh, no, give it to someone else. Sick fucks.
The girls category seems super strong; I think any of them could go through. As usual the oldies and the groups are a lame duck.
I know everyone hates Sharon, but I like her and her little dog, and she's more than a vast improvement on fun-vacuum drug-fixer Tulisa. 'Oh I don't do drugs, I just arrange for other people to get them.' That must be the most stupid thing I've ever heard, and I've seen her cousin Dappy on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
How Sharon has the gall to say the words 'the most incredible performer and writer' and then cart out the disgusting Robbie Williams is beyond me. He is the most gross, overrated, ugly, revolting piece of shit on the planet, with no redeeming features. I can't even look at him. He makes Gary Barlow look like he has the charm of Aaron Paul.
First up is the dowdy prison officer, giving it all the 'as a mother' bullshit. Spare me. She's so overrated. Her voice is not pleasant to listen to. I'm tired of Whitney. The standard on the US X Factor blows us out of the water. It really does. I've been really enjoying it!
Lorna is cute and has a nice voice. I think she deserves to go through. I bet you they put dowdy prison officer through over her, though. They always make the wrong decisions.
This next woman is 34? I am 33! She looks old enough to be my mother. I thought her audition was piss poor. It's a shame as I like her. I love her hair.
Another one going on about being a mother. And singing Coldplay. Double misery.
Fucking hell, this next one (Andrea) has bought a flute. She's yelping through High and Dry. Jesus, she just squeaked like when you tread on your cat's tail at the end.
This Joseph guy is an entitled prick, and is useless. I can't stand him! The way he was acting during musical fuck-you chairs was pathetic last week. Blah blah I'm broke, blah blah my son, that doesn't entitle you to be a popstar! He bummed a bunch of notes there. He's not even average, he's BELOW average. Pitiful.
Louis has brought someone from Westlife, someone from All Saints... and Sinitta. OK then. Which Appleton is this, Liam Gallagher's ex? All Saints are possibly the most boring girl band that ever existed.
First up from the boys is not-quite-committed-to-his-dreads, thingymebob. I'm so glad I'm too old to go out with boys who wear skinny jeans.
Next up is Sam who has a smug face. Take your bracelets off and grow up. It seemed like he was struggling to me, although he was better than the first one.
Ad chat: Oh Eminem. What has become of you?
Next up is Paul, who replaced the one I liked last week. This guy is the best one yet and he's still meh.
LOL to posh little twonk Giles singing 'You're Beautiful.' Get rid!
Ryan is another fat kid so no doubt there'll be some patronising 'which fat one will they put through' dramatics later. He was crap, too.
I like this one the best who sang 'a thousand years' last week. Why does he look like he's got a permanent black eye? Now someone's going to tell me it's some condition and I'm going to feel guilty. He looks he should be in Eden Lake, terrorising some middle-class people. I really hope they put him through, he's the only one I like. He's moved Barry from Westlife to tears.
OK, here we go. Not in the least bit surprised that as-a-mother-prison-warden got through. Hope they put Lorna through out of the next three. Oh, she is. Thank God. Those other two weren't good enough.
I hope they put the blonde fringey woman through over this knobhead going on as if he's the only man to have ever had a child on the planet. Yes. Sharon made the right choices.
Ad chat: Olly Murs makes me feel sick.
Lol Louis just said 'it's not good news... it's great news!' My boyfriend likes it when they say that. I don't care if Giles or fake dreadlocks or ruddy faced Ryan gets through. I only care about Nicholas! Sorry, Ryan, your left your job for nothing. Bad luck.
Ah, posh Giles got ditched. Boo woo. That means dready is through. I must admit, I prefer him out of the three. Louis's already trying to get him to wash his hair. He'll probably have a skinhead next week.
Oh, yes Louis put Nicholas through. Both fat ones got sent home! Discrimination! I actually think Louis made the right choices. Odd.
Ad chat: Gok. Get to fuck.
Oh now we have to watch them tell their families. Can't we watch the ones who went home and told their families they didn't get through? That would be more interesting. LOL, they ARE showing that, too. Hilarious. But THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Imagine having to be filmed telling your family you've not made it. That's horrid! I'd rather send them an email or something. Even that guy's MUM was entitled! When he said Sharon didn't put him through she goes 'you're joking'. No. He isn't.
Lorna was drinking from the bottle... good on her.
Is this over yet? I'm hungry. Too many adverts. And I don't like Xtra Factor anymore. I want something grim and gritty to watch after this. Ooh, I know, The Killing (US). I like Robocop dude.
See you tomorrow!