The X Factor - Love and heartbreak

The flash vote is shit! Bring back deadlock, dumbasses.
Ugh, this prison officer loves football. So she's a control freak and a misogynist. Notice she mentioned football before her husband as the great love of her life. She looked cute in her wedding pics: must be hard work in those prisons! Surprise, surprise she's singing some boring arse song that you'd rather punch yourself in the face than listen to. I wish they'd make them just do new songs FFS. I'm tired of hearing fucking Whitney, Mariah and all that bollocks. Half the time you could be watching an X Factor from five years ago. My only hope is that as she's on first, people won't vote for her. I'm sure my mum loves her, I'm sure yours does, I personally think she's a boring, plate-faced personality void. No offence, ha! Even Nicole is saying she doesn't like it. Jam-honesty! Louis is pretending like he thought of the 'Screw-bo' joke. He didn't.
Dear God, even Kingsland Road like football?! I thought they were meant to be hipsters. This song is pure cheese. I wish they'd be a bit edgier. And if you believe that all of them are straight - clue, the black one definitely isn't - then you must be mad. I'd say up to three of them are probably gay. The dance routine was fucking awful. Them winking and leering was gross. The only thing that was OK was their singing.
I pretty much missed Nicholas's performance as I find that song so dreary and I was ranting about something on FB. So I missed Sharon's paedo comments. Oh well.
Abi's funereal version of Can't Get You Out of My Head was profoundly depressing. Is there a song on the planet that this bitch won't ruin? Everything about her annoys me; the budget specs, her boring personality and sub-indie schmindy ick music she does. I thought Sharon gave her some great advice. My advice would be, try spending more than £100 on your glasses. It's a worthwhile investment.
I like James Arthur in the audience all awkward. He was someone worth championing last year.
Oh Christ, Shelley is singing Single Ladies, probably one of the most offensive songs on the planet. That lyric 'if you like it then you should have put a ring on it' is both a disservice and insult to women everywhere. But what can you expect from a woman who's main interest in life seems to be seeing how many species she can endanger with her revolting husband? This song is a crime against women. Needless to say, Shelley is no Beyonce. But at least she's not Illuminati.
Oh so Miss Dynamix can't sing because the pregnant one is ill. This will give the misogyny brigade some more grist for their mill. 'She should be at home, waa waa waa'. Shut up.
I wish Sam Callaghan would take a walk... I don't mind where, could be into a canal, or just off a cliff, not bothered, really. He has the charisma of a potato. He has a face like a potato. Except I like potatoes. He just sounded like he was on the loo for the high bit. I don't think he's going to go the distance, I really don't.
I like Tamera. I just don't like this song. But I do think she could win it - she has a talent and stage presence the others don't have. I wish they wouldn't keep changing her look each week, I liked her blonde.
So Luke has been put in a boat this week. When's the water coming to make him fuck off? I'd like to see him and his pathetic hair bobbing off into the distance. Things I know about him: hair. mum. It's not enough to be a popstar, kiddo! You just haven't earned it yet baby. He's got a hanky hanging out of his back pocket. Apparently this means you're gay, and you're saying what type of gay sex you like. I'll leave you to fill in those gaps. I will say that he did appear to be able to carry a tune tonight, which is more than I can say for previous weeks.
Rough Copy have gone a bit cheeseball this week, too. Some interesting clothing going on there, too. I like them, but hope they don't get too watered down. I liked one of them whipping the mic off Dermy.
This backstage bit with Caroline Flack is just boring padding and filler. She's better than this!
If I never have to hear anyone sing 'Beautiful' again, I'd appreciate it. I like Hannah, though. She looks cool and she seems lovely, and she sang with passion. Aw, her comments were cute at the end.
Are Kingsland Road really in the bottom two? What a load of shit. Neither of those groups should be in the bottom two. Hmm. Bad buzz. Bring back deadlock!

The X Factor - the results

I don't think I'm going to be blogging a lot of these results shows. I've just got this feeling that I'm not going to get into X Factor this year. Get Lucky isn't really helping; hearing the original is enough to make me want to vomit. What's with the gyrating?! Make it stop. Bring back the Dermot trouser talk - it's less gratuitous.
Oh God, now we've got to put up with Ellie Goulding and her enormous moon face singing about something insignificant. Did the world request another Sharleen Spiteri when my back was turned? This song is just what I expected; a big pile of nothing. Who are her fans? Really? Even her thighs on show are unexciting. This is music for people who find Ed Sheeran a bit edgy. And she probably got her career bankrolled by her daddy, just like that hobbit.
No deadlock! WTF. Deadlock is the best bit of the results show. That sucks. I wonder why they've got rid of that. Probably because Louis kept fucking it up. That's going to remove quite a bit of suspense, actually.
Cher is on next. No, not Cher Lloyd, 'if I could turn back time' Cher.
The 'flash vote' actually ruins some of the suspense of tonight, too, because we already know one of the people on the block. Why are they meddling with all the suspense?! Leave that suspense where it is. Didn't they also tell us last night that it would be two people in Sharon's group going home, or did I dream that?
So Lorna and Shelley are in the bottom two. I feel sorry for Lorna, I like her! I wish it had been Luke.
I think the problem with Shelley is they've feathered her fringe a bit, and it looked better blunt. No wonder it's knocked her confidence: no one wants a wispy fringe. What's she wearing? Looks like she's going for a job interview. I guess she might be later.
Did Sharon just forget Lorna's name, or was she pausing for dramatic effect? Lorna also has 'work trousers' on, unflattering ones. Lorna is better than Shelley. Case closed.
Why is Sharon drinking out of a teacup, who does she think she is, Lady Gaga? She's abstaining from voting. She's becoming so affected, I've forgotten what her real personality is.
What the fuck! Did they really send Lorna home? She blew Shelley AWAY. I honestly can't believe that. I'm shocked. I thought Louis was just hamming it up when he voted for Shelley. Also, Lorna got more votes than Shelley, shouldn't that be taken into consideration by the judges, what the public want? Boo. Not sure I'm going to carry on blogging X Factor. I don't really care, and I'm not sure anyone else does. Huff!

The X Factor - 80s night

Why, hello there. Oh, God, it's 80s night. I hate the 80s. The only band I like from the 80s are The Smiths and I can't see someone busting out Panic tonight. I'll be happy to take that back if they do.
Is it just me or is Dermot looking a little tired? Maybe he's just getting old, or he's tired of life, or he's tired of X Factor. More likely he's just tired of bouncing from foot to foot like the world's oldest schoolboy.
Sharon Osbourne walked out like she was someone with a walking stick on Jeremy Kyle, pretending they're disabled to get benefits. She's also dressing like an old dear, now, too.
Are they all pointing at Dermot's willy? Is that normal? It's a family show, etc. What sort of person looks at people's crotches anyway? It's creepy!
Hannah's on first: the shit spot. Best sing up, girl. I like her blue eyeshadow and that building behind her. I do not like her outfit. That skirt is vile. I also do not like this song. The only pop song I like from the 80s is Freedom by Wham. Oh, and I like Like a Prayer, but I think that was 90s. I thought that was quite a lacklustre start to the show, to be honest. Her performance was stiff and the song was crap.
I like Nicholas. I do not like Spandau Ballet. I do not like the fact I had to look up how to spell it. And I thought he sounded a bit flat in places. Is Nicole coming onto a fifteen year old? I think she is. Wow.
One of Miss Dynamix is pregnant. The way people were going on about it, you'd think she was disabled. Women have babies and jobs. Get over it. As for their performance, I thought it was a bit flat and their dance moves were a bit 'Jedward', ie. all over the shop. I do like them, though, so I hope they survive.
I really couldn't be less interested in this prison screw. Get your teeth fixed. Power ballads! Somebody shoot me. This episode has been boring as fuck so far. This Sam guy has a squashed face like he's run into a wall. His voice is drowning in backing vocals.
Kingsland Road have at least been entertaining, and appear to be able to sing. I think the 80s suits them - I mean, just look at their normal clothes. I think they could go quite a long way. It's like the X Factor's first hipster boyband.
I kind of missed Shelley as I was rummaging in a cupboard for things to sell on ebay. But I got the general gist.
The inspid Abi is doing Bon Jovi on the piano. Fuck off.
I like Lorna, but I have a feeling people won't vote for her because they're always pushing prison woman instead. Tamera is really good but I don't like this song.
Luke's up next. Does this dude have ANYTHING other than dirty hair. Looking like Worzel Gummage is NOT a route to becoming a popstar. He's singing out of tune as well.
Much as I like her, this bit with Caroline Flack is completely pointless. Isn't this drivel what Xtra Factor is for?
I like Rough Copy but I'm not feeling Phil Collins, to be honest. Nicole seems to think it was shamazing. I think Kingsland were the best of the lot tonight.
Oh, now there's some twist. Oh they're gonna choose the bottom two now. It's two of the overs! Well. Not really a shock.
Considering what a long show that was, this is quite a short blog. I don't know much, but I know that's not a good sign.

X Factor: (Not the) Judges houses

Ok so I'm blogging X Factor even after declaring I'd never watch it again. I've been enjoying X Factor US and The Voice US so much, that I crawled back to our substandard version. The judges on the US X Factor work: there's the gentle-but-dead-behind-the-eyes Britney, enthusiastic puppy Demi Lovato, and Chief head-wobbler LA Reid. In the US X Factor this week, Simon didn't bother to turn up and they sent Louis Walsh over as 'guest judge'. They mentioned none of his credentials (not even Jedward) and they didn't even say he was a producer. It was just like this weird Irish idiot turned up for ten minutes and it was never mentioned again. Just like the fact they have no host.
The Voice US is superior because it has the super cuddly Ceelo Green, the so blonde-her-hair's-snapping-off, spilling out of her dress and often drunk Xtina, and head buffoon, Adam Levine. There's also some country douche, but we don't mention him.
Anyway, on with our cut-price bollocks. Shouldn't judges houses have an apostrophe in it somewhere somewhere?
One band has already left 'due to a visa issue'. Is this a euphemism? Shouldn't Simon Cowell get this shit checked out before bands get to that stage? Did he learn nothing from giving a wife beater a million quid on Red or Black?
Tiny Tempah is helping out Tulisa in St Lucia (he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house, don't you know). He generously said, 'there's probably space for one or two more female artists in the charts right now.' to which my boyfriend replied 'Well if they let pricks like you in the charts, I'd say there's plenty of space.' Who is Tiny to decide when the female popstar tally is full? They should get him working on border control next.
Louis is in Las Vegas with Sharon Osbourne. She should be on the real panel, not the simpering lettuce leaf Nicole - 'not good enough for the US one but she'll do for us cunts'. Nicole is with Neyo in Dubai. 
LOL Gary Barlow's group got to go to Northampton. St Lucia, Dubai, Las Vegas... Northamptonshire. That's what I call the short straw. Because I'm from there. So Gary Barlow has got Sinitta (sorry, Cheryl Cole) helping him as usual. I find Chezza about as warm and lovable as cat sick, so I'm not overly impressed, but she'd still be better on the panel than... er, all of the others. I feel like Simon Cowell doesn't give a shit about the UK version anymore, he gives us pathetic judges like Nicole and how the dour, stony-faced Gary got the gig after last year, lord only knows. Gary Barlow has about as much charisma as a sausage. And at least sausages are nice.
The groups are up first. So two more bands get a chance to come back because of the 'visa' issues. The first one, who's name escapes me, did a medley of Bob Marley an Pink. The second band Mitsotu, who we'd never seen in our lives before, as they were clearly always marked for failure, are also poor.
MK 1 (isn't that the Milton Keynes shopping centre?) are the ones who's third member got cut only after making them promise to give him 33% of all profits. I wonder is Syco has given him 500 quid to fuck off yet.
Union J have had to change their name from Triple J because Simon has decided to shoehorn a Harry Styles lookalike into their band. I'd be pissed off if an extra heartthrob was brought into my group. I think they should have renamed the group Triple J + 1. I think all the acts have been rubbish so far. Triple J are sucking the life out of the annoying-but-catchy Call Me Maybe.
I like Poisonous Twin and their scouse brows. At least they've got personality. This beat box group can fuck off.
The final act is called GMD3. Why are all these bands fucking acronyms? It's like trying to work my way round the periodic table! Bullshit. Off with their heads. I could think of better band names than this in about 30 seconds. Fuck me, this is the worst one yet. Louis' category is a bag of shit. I hope he puts through MK Ultra, Poisonous Twin, and then any of the shit boybands.
Dermot looks knackered. Can't he get some botox or something? They wouldn't let a woman presenter on TV looking so craggy.
Back to Dubai to see Princess Nicole beating her slaves and sitting by a ginormous bowl of fruit. Oh, and her category is the boys. 
James Arthur is my pick to win it. He's like Plan C. AWFUL song choice, so old fashioned and a bit defeatest singing a song called 'I can't make you love me'. There's just something very likeable about him. I liked the way he was clutching his shirt on one of his previous auditions. He has it: the X Factor. And he's the only one so far.
The next guy sang Neyo's song. He's not going through.
Adam I liked before, but he's doing a really shit song which barely goes up or down. No one would even pick this song to do at karaoke. I thought he could have done a lot better.
Jake I fancy. His brother is terminally ill, but he's carrying on like a trouper, anyway. He's singing Take That. Perhaps he thought he was getting Gary Barlow as his judge. He's also singing to the floor. Another uninspired song choice; why don't they sing something moving or unique? They are all looking like losers right now. Sing something to make the judges cry.
Rylan is absolute genius. The story he told on Xtra Factor about getting his wallet stolen by a fox was probably the funniest thing I heard last week. Rylan's come as Kylie Minogue. I hope he goes through, he's really entertaining. He's doing a mournful version of Rhianna.  He's got the Stacey Solomon factor.
This next guy Jahmene who murdered Moves Like Jagger actually did a reasonable version of Titanium. But he bores me.
Ok now we're back with Tulisa and the girls. I think she's got the best category, but still hasn't worked out how to put a toner on her hair. Her stylist must really hate her guts - you can buy them in Boots for 99p - and he's done her up like Trailer Trash Barbie.
I like Jade but I don't think she's brilliant. She's got heart but I'm not sure she could win it. I like Amy as well but I don't love her. At least her song choice was modern. They showed about two seconds of Leanne so I take it she's not going through.
I like Jade and her clown makeup and her doing it for her 'daddy' in prison.
Lucy is obviously talented but not as unique as they make out. It was quite brave of her to do Whitney, but put a quirky spin on it. I'll be pissed off if she doesn't go through.
Ella is the best of all the girls. Like James Arthur, she could easily win it, plus she writes her own songs. She's really good.
And now we're back with Gary and a hard-faced Cheryl Cole in Northampton (she'll fit right in, we love a good punch up there). Just as good as Vegas. Gary's category (the overs) is dreadful. Tulisa could have put four or five of her category through.
I have never seen this Carolynne person before. She sounds out of time. And she's singing fucking Boyzone. Bollocks.
Aw, that was quite nice when Gary gave Nicola some reassurance. I don't know why she got through. They should have put Hayley from Pop Idol through, she had a lovely voice. Tragedy? Of all the songs to sing.
Brad is dated, boring and looks like a used car salesman. He sang the Final Countdown in a club style; I couldn't even tell what song it was.
I HATE this Melanie 'I'm a mother' bore. She looks like someone who'd try and sell you a bag of heather at a festival. I bet her house if full of runes and windchimes. She's DULL! I don't know why Gary likes her so much. Gary's pretending he's not going to put her through because she's got kids; er wouldn't that be discrimination?! They'd never say that to a man. Douchebag.
Kye is actually alright, if he stops going on about being a chimney sweep and having to work for a living (yes, like we all do). Ooh, he hit a bum note. That was a shame. Adam Levine wouldn't stand for that crap.
Christopher is the most of earnest auditionees ever. He's wearing his heart on his forehead. Another awful, old-fashioned song, and he's singing it really camp. I still think they'll put him through, though, because the grans will love him.
As much as I can't stand Cheryl Cole, she's actually quite gracious to come back on a show she was basically sacked from. I'd swap her for Tulisa any day. And I'd swap Nicole Scherzinger for Wagner.
Cheryl's glad she's 'got a car coming soon.' Let's hope Will.i.am isn't driving it. Or... hmm, perhaps I'll leave it at that. 

X Factor Finale: Leon!

I'm not going to gloat because I think Leon did pretty dire, however we jumped around the room like loonies when he won (as my boyfriend had a tenner on him... and won £140!) So I'm getting taken out tomorrow night! (well, to the Odeon and to KFC)
I'm glad the underdog won... I never liked Rhydian. Leon cruised through on his good looks n manky teeth. Good luck to him. Rhydian looked OK about it. I did think Leon sung the final song better and Rhydian will get a good job anyway. it could have been back to the shoe shop for Leon without this win. As for 'such nice people' Same Difference: I'm sure they'll get singing jobs, one way or another.
On Xtra Factor Rhydian looked proper gutted which warmed my heart. He couldn't even pretend to be happy for Leon(a). I guess it just goes to show that you need to be likeable as well as professional. Leon was 3rd favourite to win at the start of the night.
Anyway- I'm super hammered. Fearne needs to cut her fringe. Much love to Mr Blister. This is what happens when you support Arsenal. ;-)

X Factor: The Final (Like Rabbits Caught in the Highlights)

Ok I'm smashed because I've been playing my own X Factor drinking game (at the last minute we added in any cliche which proved deadly). But here's the news anyway:
It was a rubbish final. SD 1st song: strange child elf... the chritmas tree lights didn't go on when they were meant to. Louis decided to shuffle some papers. What papers were they? I have no idea. Altogether cheesy as fuck. But good news, there was more than 10 people on stage with Same Difference for each song. Distraction! (And drinks)
Leon 'dark horse' sang White Christmas, which was rubbish- he should have sang Last Christmas instead. He would have smouldered. Bland bland bland. Boo.
Rhydian's super white Nazi-youth (white angel) hair looked good. The first song was shit. I hoped he'd stand up with dirty knees after he knelt on the floor. And he dragged out the children's choir! Gimmick. They lit him as if he was Jesus. God damn.
Did you notice the roving reporters? Rhydian gets Myleene (not Welsh but quite well liked). SD get Jade Goody's ex. And Leon gets some cunt I used to go to school with! What the fuck? How unfair.
The next round saw the acts 'dueting' with some stars. SD got Jason Donavan, looking like a bug-eyed, Asda-brand Christian Slater. It was absolutely dreadful. I wish the judges could have commented and vomited all over it. Rhydian didn't fare much better. That woman sounded like she was gargling a boxful of frogs. 'So much charisma' WHERE??? Where is it fucking hiding? I can't see it.
Whilst watching Leon and Kylie, the Smiths lyric 'And death for no reason is murder' rattled around in my head. Kylie looked like she was wearing a lacy 'body' from dahn the market. Her face looked fucking melted. I once counted 50 Kylie posters on my wall when I was 9 years old, so I feel qualified to judge, and now when i see her I think, 'just go have children if you want them so much. Cos soon you'll be too old and all the sequins in the world won't be the same.' (Don't get me wrong, I hate children, but she's always bleating about wanting them. Seems to me she's more addicted to botox. Even Dannii's fitter than her these days.)
The 'auditonees' (read 'Losers') medley was just plain cruel. I hope that fat one tops herself tonight and the relatives sue Simon for all he's got.
And so finally. SD did High School Musical. Is it wrong to say I quite like that song? I enjoed Louis saying the looked 'like rabbits caught in the highlights'. He should know, the squinty little shit. Leon was just dreadful- he should have done the Westlife one. As it was, he sang (and I quote) 'the three blandest songs on the planet',
Rhydian was on last- well, what a surprise! After they lit him like the second coming earlier, it was obvious they were going to favour him to the end. he came on with his bow-tie unbuttoned like he'd just stood up to sing at a wedding. You should have doen Phantom, Rhydian! Or Freddie! Where was the glitter???
Anyway. Let's await the vote. And weep.

The X Factor Final Drinking Game

I wrote this for my mate at the Rhydian fan site but I want my mates to get trashed too! Enjoy...

The X Factor Final Drinking Game

Your drink of choice, but I suggest measures of one shot or one glass of wine, or one
pint of beer... warning, you will be absolutely HAMMERED by the end of this.

You must down your drink in one for any mention of...

'a journey...'
'you've come such a long way'
'that was a very safe performance'
'you'd better do better with your second song'
'the voting is really close'
'I think you're at risk'
'fabulous!'
'nailed it'
'owned the stage'
Simon saying any of the following...
'karaoke'
'cabaret'
'wedding'
'hotel'
'world class'
'100%'- one shot
'110%' two shots
'150%'- three shots
'a million/ billion/ trillion percent'- four shots- god help you.

Bonus drinks...

Any of the judges or contestants crying
Dermot crying
Simon alluding to Louis being gay
Louis alluding to Simon being gay
Dannii making an inappropriate whooping sound
Sharon mentioning her kids/ Ozzy
Kelly Osbourne in the audience
Louis dissing Dannii's pop career
Simon winking
Louis squinting
Louis mentioning Westlife
Simon stands up to applaud someone's act
Sharon dances to someone's act
Any past contestants spotted in audience
Any mention of Leona Lewis or Shayne Ward
Any of the judges commenting on the other's plastic surgery/ hair/ teeth
The acts being forced to perform a medley
Louis saying either Beverley or Niki should be in the final
Sharon saying 'I'm impartial'
Any mention of dead relatives/ poverty/ illness/ the awful jobs they will have to go back to

Specialist contestant section:

Leon
If he wears a waistcoat
Any mention of Michael Buble
If he clasps his hands together in prayer
If he mentions how he has to do it for his mum
If he shakes

Rhydian
If he wears something glittery
If they play 'Phantom of the Opera' music to introduce him
Any mention of Wales
Any judge saying 'we're looking at the winner'
If he does an overlong plea for votes and Dermot has to interrupt him

Same Difference
If they look longingly into each others eyes
If there are more than 10 other people on stage with them (distraction technique!)
Louis shaking his head in disgust whilst they are on
Louis saying anything about Butlins
Any mention of bullying
Any shots of their local working men's club

Disclaimer: I cannot be held accountable for any liver failure as a result of the drinking game.

X Factor: The Semi-Final

To entertain myself this week I decided to cliche spot. Sadly for me, we only got 'the gloves are off', 'dark horse', 'hairs on the back of my neck stood up' (twice), and 'nailed it' 7000 times. Simon's normally good for a 'thousand percent' or two, so shame on him.
Dannii looks alternately gorgeous and awful every other week, and unfortunately for her she was having a wiggy Afghan week. Niki performed one dreary song and one which made Louis nod his head like a little puppy. I like it when he does that.
Leon sang two interminable jazz numbers, shaking like an abused kitten in his dad's suit for the first song. I really wanted him to say 'I've wanted to meet Michael Buble my whole life'. Leon wore leather trousers for his second number, which looked horrible and you couldn't even see his knob. Boo. Simon was right that he didn't connect with the audience. He looked like he was going to death row, and was lucky to survive, in my opinion. Sort it aht, Leon. We're relying on you in this house to eat next week.
Dannii missed a trick by not getting Grhydian to sing 'Like a Virgin'! That would have brought the fucking house down. He had a little quiff tonight instead of the full Bart Simpson. I wish Grhydian was still ginge. I like gingers. I thought he was going to do the Nazi salute at any given moment. Simon stood up, so it must have been good, but we weren't feeling it in Roseland. I think my boyfriend summed it up best with the comment, 'If I wasn't sure Simon was gay before the series began, I'm fucking positive now.'
'The Same Difference' as Michael Buble called them (and it's a much better name) sang one of Simon's favourite gay anthems for the first song. One of the dancers had a Same Difference tattoo! So at least the have one fan for life (or until he has a bath). For their second song, the bullied (get over it) Same Difference sang a racist anthem by S Club 'go back to your own country' 7. See the way they stared into each others eyes when they sang 'you'll always be my baby'? VOMIT. They are deffo fucking. On the plus side, they sang better than normal and I was quite moved by the sobbing (which definitely kept them in).
So. That was it. I was glad Niki went 'back to serving beans next week'. See ya!

X Factor: 'I thought the eyes were great'

Two songs each tonight so twice the pain. The show kicked off with Rhydian, who our house-guest described quite accurately as 'that Swedish-looking freaky little gnome thing'. I think the dancers were wearing sunglasses so they didn't have to look at him. His suit was OK though. He did his usual singing. He'd be good in the theatre but I'm not interested in him as a pop singer.
Hope managed to achieve the almost impossible task of singing worse than the Spice Girls. I don't like it when they put the leery one up front- stick to the skunk one.
Niki did 'turn around Bright Eyes.' Wind machine! She was wearing a tent. I just turn off my brain when she's on. She's unlikeable.
Leon did Queen too- yawn. Was it an AIDS theme his week? He did his stupid puppet thing again, I can't even watch. And a waistcoat too! Horrific. Lucky he's still cute. His future will be one crap swing album, then onto the obscurity bus. Blah.
Same Difference wisely made the girl not sing much. The brother can sing. When the doors opened behind them I thought they were sending the firing squad in but sadly, it was a bunch of gap-toothed kids. Puke.
Second song: Queen again! I thought Hope did much better. Even the tranny one sang in tune. I thought it was good fun. Much better than Five's version, haha. I do hate that fucking song though.
Leon's second song was much better. I like it when he stares moodily down the camera lens. He does have something in his eyes that Rhydian doesn't have; it's called sex appeal.
Same Difference sent the fear of God through me by mentioning the words 'family disco'. I like Wham but they did murder it somewhat. Niki did Sting! Don't tell anyone but I like that song. She sang it alright actually. Simon was wrong. Shame on Louis for digging up the dead dad. Poor show.
Rhydian finished the show by singing another song with no tune. Outstanding? I don't GET IT. He has the cold dead eyes of a snake. He says nothing to me about my life. He also looks angry when people criticise him. Take it on the chin, Welsh boy! 'I love all British people'. I don't!
It's a shame Hope went. I quite like them! Oh well, they should have worn their underwear again.

X Factor: Dead Dad returns!

Here we go again. I thought Beverley was very shrill. It didn't do it for me at all. Too shrieky. Same Difference did alright I thought; super cheesy but in tune mostly. He is a lot better than her. She needs to stop gurning. But apart from that, they are troupers. Their family seemed a bit touchy feely. I'm not really into all that.
Niki rolled out the dead dad again! Wrong! She sang the sort of ballad my mum used to play in the car. Her voice is good, there's just something unlikable about her (mainly self-pity). There is also something awkward about her when she performs.
I was pleased they played the Phantom of the Opera music again when they introduced Rhydian. I thought they'd stopped ripping the shit out of him when they didn't play it last week. Rhydian was back in full-on serial killer mode this week, shifty eyed and looking like he'd had a run in with an angry orange. The song he sang was dreadful, it had no tune at all. God knows why Dannii was crying I can only presume she was drunk or on her period. Hope were patchy but passionate. The other ones didnt sing a word, but the main girl did well and looked better now she's a reformed skunk.
I was disappointed Leon did swing. I hate swing! Still, on the plus side his hair has grown, and he didn't dance this week, so he looked HOT. Hurrah! He was in full on mini-josh-hartnett-with-manky-teeth mode, which works for me.
I enjoyed the end when Beverley went. I was glad Hope stayed as they are more interesting and I enjoyed Simon's gloating. Fuck you, Louis! You've only got Dead Dad now and you know she's no match for the angry orange.

X Factor: Mum at a Wedding

Disco week! I hate disco, naturally. They are always harping on about the acts being modern, then they set them themes like country music, or heavy metal week (actually, that would be amusing) then moan at them for not being contemporary.
Leon did better, but looked like a child. White trousers are never good. Niki- sang better than last week. Beverley looked awful and I thought she was crap. Rhydian- awful. Hope- out of tune and horrible outfits. Alisha: her voice isn't good enough! I quite like Young Hearts but she murdered it. Same Difference: as the name says. Shrug.
Louis is a dick. Dannii seemed to have a mild form of retardation that made her make stupid comments really loudly, followed by a 'woo!'
I wasn't sad to see Alisha go (except a little for Sharon). She should have gone a long time ago. It annoys me when they take ages to vote. Just fucking say a name, you dicks.
Next week: Motown classics! Pass the knife.

X Factor: 'Eating Caviar with Salad Cream'

Here we go again! Your saturday night time suckage starts here. Strap yourself in and pour yourself a large drink (or better still, sky plus it and start watching it an hour or two in- then you can forwards through Shayne Ward and the ads).
Niki was out of time- only Foghorn Dannii spotted it. I was disappointed Simon said Niki was good; she was shit. Dannii looked very good tonight I must say- very sexy dress. She's still got the wonk though; shame. I am liking Dannii a lot more than I used to, she does stand up for herself. Louis is more annoying than ever this year, but I like the banter with Simon. Simon owns him, of course.
I thought Same Difference had their best week yet, the set was kind of creepy but they were less shrill and shrieky than normal. Andy No Balls sounded like he was under water, and managed to sing a Snow Patrol song more out of tune than Gary Lightbody. Rock anthem? Not in my house. Bless him in his little 'rock' T-shirt. Beverley was a zillion times better than Niki and in no way deserved to be in the bottom two... hmm, now why could she be? Because of racist Britain, of course! Disappointing.
I thought Hope were quite good, they weren't under-dressed and I thought they sang well. Leon was AWFUL, again. Dancing in the Moonlight is horrific. Please stop him dancing, it makes me not fancy him anymore. I'm not even going to comment on the 'woo!'s or the waving. SHUDDER. His waistcoat was also unnecessary. Alisha had a bland song but I thought it was her best week. Rhydian has a face only his mother could love but he seemed a lot more humble this week and I liked him more for it (it's probably an act! I'm easily fooled).
It was HEARTBREAKING when Andy went out; he took it soooo badly. His lip quiver was too much to bear. I can't stand seeing men cry, especially not such a pretty one. Dermot didn't know where to look.
The Xtra factor was HILARIOUS afterwards, it was like someone had told Leon Andy had cancer; his little red-rimmed eyes and hands praying to some God to please, make it right.
Also, don't tell anyone, but against my better judgement I've also started quite liking Fearne on the Xtra Factor. Shhh!

X Factor: Big Band Week

God, I hate big bands. Big bands make me think of son of Chucky, Ray Quinn, Westlife and Robbie 'Facial Landslide' Williams (in that order: I have a short attention span). So Big Band week coupled with the fact X Factor is staggering along wounded equals a sullen me.
But it was worse than I thought. Bad luck to all the rubber-neckers who tuned in to see Emily aka 'Shiverz' getting the boot, as she wasn't even mentioned! Is that a good example to people, X Factor producers, if something bad happens, just ignore it and pretend the person never existed? They could have a least said 'Emily had to leave due to personal reasons'. Don't we deserve that much? If you hadn't even seen the news you'd just be left thinking you'd lost a little piece of your mind somewhere. They should have showed the happy slap video. It was more entertaining than anything they had to offer.
So onto the singing. Absolutely awful. The songs were ear-assaultingly bad. Leon still looked scared. The Stepford siblings shrieked and gurned through S Club 7, which I was unaware was a big band classic. Hope prostituted themselves once again. Niki's back flab tried to escape out of her dress. Alisha had one eye on dip and one on dazzle. Andy was the singing equivalent of being forced to watch Heartbeat. Brian Friedman's 'choreography' is part of the problem, just let them stand there and sing for fuck's sake, they're not Michael Jackson, they are dinner ladies and teachers with dead relatives who were bullied at school dammit (oh, get over it).
And so Futureproof were binned. Back to the supermarket. Back to being bullied. Back to the heartbreak and the grief. Back to trying to fill the void of your pathetic little lives.
Oh well, at least you can watch X Factor next week and suffer like the rest of us poor bastards.

X Factor- 2nd Week

The Sharon drama wasn't worth acknowledging, as if anyone seriously thought she wouldn't be back. Dermot appeared to have had his eyebrows shaved off. Dannii looked quite nice except from her melted nose.
First up was Hope, whom Simon had decreed would destroy feminism via their underwear for the sake of cheap entertainment. Why? Their voices are alright. Why make a 16 year old cavort around in her undies on telly? Of course, I know why. Still: lowest common denominator. Plus, a couple of them are dead ropey.
Leon looked wooden and scared stiff. Still, I love his manky teeth and little legs and I thought his voice was strong (which no one even commented on). He just needs a confidence boost. Louis acted like a little toad, shamelessly plugging Cuntlife.
Beverley had her make-up done by Barbie but sang well. Alisha said she came as 'the black Minnie Mouse' (is the usual Minnie Mouse white?) She was still uninspiring, bring back Mingberley!
The creepy gurning siblings were holding hands! Yuck! She is a worse singer than him. They are like a couple of nodding dogs waiting for a bone. Louis was cruel to them though: he doesn't like camp? Could have fooled me.
Rhydian was world class: a world class cunt.
Emily was lucky to escape the chop again, and had clearly been styled by the person who used to be let loose on Kate Thornton. They are trying to make her look like a child with all the stupid badges and that but she just ends up looking fugging stupid. Get rid!
Futureproof: good voices, strange faces. Andy- not exactly John Travolta. He's too stoned-looking to do that crazy dancing. He just looked like he'd been in a minor electrocution incident.
Dead Dad was good, and as she didn't mention her dead dad for the first time EVER, I will call her Niki again. Only on a trial basis, mind.
Daniel DeNickyClarke was pretty awful, but his song was utterly shit. Still, I don't feel sorry for him. He was up his own arse. Still think Alisha should have gone; oh well, there's always next week. I'm feeling bored already.

X Factor: First Live Show- 'Like Eating Water for Dinner'

And so the X Factor finals begin. Dermot looked quite hot, even with a slightly Hitler-esque side parting. First on was Kimberley, looking like Marylin Monroe after 10 pints. Simon appeared to be having a hot flush for the first quarter of an hour of the show; either that or he'd hoovered up a sackful of cocaine before the opening credits. Next was Andy, who had clearly been practising smouldering in front of a mirror, but was let down by his comedy eyebrow movements and helmet hair. Futureproof had on their future-proof jackets, but failed to dazzle. Beverley had on a wig. Leon was absoloutely dreadful, like a manic puppet but still looked hot as hell. Emily looked like she'd been dressed in the dark by Kelly Osbourne. Also, cheer the fuck up!
Same Difference: does the world need another Steps? This is a rhetorical question. They're a pair of gonks, aren't they? Dead-dad surprised me by being the best of the night but still managed to shoehorn her dead dad into conversation three times in one thirty second intro clip. Alisha was dullsville, but I didn't think Daniel aka Clicky Nark was as bad as they said, despite having the cold dead eyes of a fish.
I was hoping people had left the thorns in the roses they chucked at Rhydian.
(No) Hope were alright vocally, except they look like a bunch of town centre bacardi-breezer swilling hussies.
Sharon is still the best of the judges, Louis is a weasel, Dannii is pointless, and Simon rocks, coke-binge or not.
It was a travesty Kimberley went, she was fun if nothing else. Alisha is kinda boring. I enjoyed Kimberley going 'oh fuck' after her performance and Sharon stomping off in a huff. Bring on the drama!

X Factor: The Final Twelve

The X Factor last night was a big old weep fest. I was soooo happy that Dannii put the cut-price Josh Hartnett through (Leon) even though he can't sing that well. He's my favourite (cos I fancy him). I like Andy as well, but Rhydian? It should have been the cute little black kid who Louis liked.
Sharon cocked up too in my opinion. She definitely should have put in the little girl with the braces though. I was glad she put her with the afro and technicolour eyeshadow through, though. I like her (not enough to remember her name, obviously).
I was surprised by Simon's choices. I really wanted the geeks to go through and thought that Ghostt (their spelling error, not mine) had good voices. Instead he puts through the sinister Steps siblings and two groups of mangled together rejects (although the girls have half decent voices).
Louis had a barrel to scrape from and scrape it he did with the fair choices of the Nicky Clarke orphan,and the nice teacher woman, and then Mrs. Dead Dad (mentions of the dead dad so far... 60 billion).
But despite the constant hammering of these common-or-garden sob stories, the real joy and sorrow comes from the emotion displayed when they come through the doors and tell their assorted relatives that they have or have not made it. It's proper tearjerker territory.
And then! The errant Sisi got kicked out of the girl band for having a criminal conviction. They didn't tell us what it was, but I guessed assault, and sure enough, she beat up a McDonlads worker and failed to do her community service. Class!
So there's one very happy person dishing out Big Macs tonight. That's just the way it goes. But sometimes it goes the other way too.
Leon to win!

The X Factor: Boot Camp

The show opened with a clip of Simon saying 'it is an unmitigated distaster'. What a cliffhanger! What could he be talking about? My money's on Dannii Minogue's face. I've seen less wonky nostrils on Michael Jackson.
And onto the contestants. There was Riddian, who they didn't get rid(dian) of, despite the fact he looked like Patrick Keilty with acne. Sharon called him repulsive, which was pretty much spot on. Then there was Leon, who I found myself inexplicably attracted to and then realised he looked like a young Josh Hartnett in the Faculty (except with manky teeth). I quite like manky teeth occasionally though. Certainly in this case. How old is Leon? Am I legally allowed to fancy him? Oh yeah and his voice is alright (as if that matters!!!) Basically the rule of X Factor is, if you're cute, you're in, if you're ugly you're out. And if Louis fancies you, run for it.
However, there are exceptions to this rule. They like a couple of 'characters' in the mix (i.e. obnoxious dicks) so we get saddled with the shovel-faced Kimberley who Simon labelled 'the most annoying person i've ever met'. She could carry a tune but made Big Brother's Shabnam look well-adjusted. Out next week in a pool of mascara, I predict.
What else? Oh yes, there was the usual roll call of sob stories, ranging from 'I shouldn't be here' to 'my dad's dead'. Yes I think you mentioned it FORTY TIMES already. Actually, it's not her fault, it's the producers for treating us like thick sheep. Baa!
The second hottest by the way is Andy, who works with asbestos. On the un-hot side of the coin we have Luke, like a creepier Ray Quinn.
The over 25s and groups were pretty much a wash-out, but one group caught my eye for appearing to be made up entirely of male virgins. I like them already, just because they look completely unprofessional. You've got to love the underdog.
Finally, why was Dermot sobbing at a story that wasn't even sad? Pull yourself together, man!
Worst band name of the day? Futureproof. That's not actually a good thing, is it? That's a bit like being Moneyproof or Sexproof or XFactorWinnersProof. Doh!

The X Factor: We Love Streisand

Of COURSE I have been watching The X Factor; suckered in year after year by the hundred and ten percents, the sob stories and of course, Simon Cowell's teeth.
However, I'm not sure about Dannii Minogue: I alternate between thinking she's quite attractive and a wonky-nosed, plastic-faced neponistic foghorn (yes I made up the word nepotonistic, what are you gonna do about it?)
I also don't like the fact that Sharon Osbourne isn't the top spec bitch anymore, I liked her ruling the roost, and she seems much quieter this year. Come on Sharon, kick some fucking arse.
I've always hated the squirming, squinting little Louis, but even I felt a bit sad when they sacked him for Brian 'style director' Freidman. However, now he's back you realise what a humourless, spiteful little gimp Louis is. He takes a perverse delight in laughing in people's faces. I love the fact Simon and Sharon are just completely degrading him now by constantly calling him Lulu.
On the subject of sackings, Kate Thornton could present about as well as she could tell her stylist that her outfit didn't look so great, so I was looking forward to Dermot taking over. However, I find his presenting style a little weird on this show, he pops up at the bottom of the screen waggling his head around like an over-enthusiastic tortoise and blinking into the sun. He also seems to spend no time getting to know or consoling the contestants. I'm thinking that's because he was filming BBLB at the time and his profile might increase a little in the coming weeks.
As for tonights show, there's only really one thing to comment on and it's the girl in the 'wedding dress'. I literally cannot believe such people exist. How do they get through the day? The amount of suffering they must have to endure every time they leave the house must make life unbearable. It is the ultimate cruelty to laugh at her and her League-of-Gentlemen-esque family, but what choice do you have?