X Factor Finale: Leon!

I'm not going to gloat because I think Leon did pretty dire, however we jumped around the room like loonies when he won (as my boyfriend had a tenner on him... and won £140!) So I'm getting taken out tomorrow night! (well, to the Odeon and to KFC)
I'm glad the underdog won... I never liked Rhydian. Leon cruised through on his good looks n manky teeth. Good luck to him. Rhydian looked OK about it. I did think Leon sung the final song better and Rhydian will get a good job anyway. it could have been back to the shoe shop for Leon without this win. As for 'such nice people' Same Difference: I'm sure they'll get singing jobs, one way or another.
On Xtra Factor Rhydian looked proper gutted which warmed my heart. He couldn't even pretend to be happy for Leon(a). I guess it just goes to show that you need to be likeable as well as professional. Leon was 3rd favourite to win at the start of the night.
Anyway- I'm super hammered. Fearne needs to cut her fringe. Much love to Mr Blister. This is what happens when you support Arsenal. ;-)

X Factor: The Final (Like Rabbits Caught in the Highlights)

Ok I'm smashed because I've been playing my own X Factor drinking game (at the last minute we added in any cliche which proved deadly). But here's the news anyway:
It was a rubbish final. SD 1st song: strange child elf... the chritmas tree lights didn't go on when they were meant to. Louis decided to shuffle some papers. What papers were they? I have no idea. Altogether cheesy as fuck. But good news, there was more than 10 people on stage with Same Difference for each song. Distraction! (And drinks)
Leon 'dark horse' sang White Christmas, which was rubbish- he should have sang Last Christmas instead. He would have smouldered. Bland bland bland. Boo.
Rhydian's super white Nazi-youth (white angel) hair looked good. The first song was shit. I hoped he'd stand up with dirty knees after he knelt on the floor. And he dragged out the children's choir! Gimmick. They lit him as if he was Jesus. God damn.
Did you notice the roving reporters? Rhydian gets Myleene (not Welsh but quite well liked). SD get Jade Goody's ex. And Leon gets some cunt I used to go to school with! What the fuck? How unfair.
The next round saw the acts 'dueting' with some stars. SD got Jason Donavan, looking like a bug-eyed, Asda-brand Christian Slater. It was absolutely dreadful. I wish the judges could have commented and vomited all over it. Rhydian didn't fare much better. That woman sounded like she was gargling a boxful of frogs. 'So much charisma' WHERE??? Where is it fucking hiding? I can't see it.
Whilst watching Leon and Kylie, the Smiths lyric 'And death for no reason is murder' rattled around in my head. Kylie looked like she was wearing a lacy 'body' from dahn the market. Her face looked fucking melted. I once counted 50 Kylie posters on my wall when I was 9 years old, so I feel qualified to judge, and now when i see her I think, 'just go have children if you want them so much. Cos soon you'll be too old and all the sequins in the world won't be the same.' (Don't get me wrong, I hate children, but she's always bleating about wanting them. Seems to me she's more addicted to botox. Even Dannii's fitter than her these days.)
The 'auditonees' (read 'Losers') medley was just plain cruel. I hope that fat one tops herself tonight and the relatives sue Simon for all he's got.
And so finally. SD did High School Musical. Is it wrong to say I quite like that song? I enjoed Louis saying the looked 'like rabbits caught in the highlights'. He should know, the squinty little shit. Leon was just dreadful- he should have done the Westlife one. As it was, he sang (and I quote) 'the three blandest songs on the planet',
Rhydian was on last- well, what a surprise! After they lit him like the second coming earlier, it was obvious they were going to favour him to the end. he came on with his bow-tie unbuttoned like he'd just stood up to sing at a wedding. You should have doen Phantom, Rhydian! Or Freddie! Where was the glitter???
Anyway. Let's await the vote. And weep.

The X Factor Final Drinking Game

I wrote this for my mate at the Rhydian fan site but I want my mates to get trashed too! Enjoy...

The X Factor Final Drinking Game

Your drink of choice, but I suggest measures of one shot or one glass of wine, or one
pint of beer... warning, you will be absolutely HAMMERED by the end of this.

You must down your drink in one for any mention of...

'a journey...'
'you've come such a long way'
'that was a very safe performance'
'you'd better do better with your second song'
'the voting is really close'
'I think you're at risk'
'fabulous!'
'nailed it'
'owned the stage'
Simon saying any of the following...
'karaoke'
'cabaret'
'wedding'
'hotel'
'world class'
'100%'- one shot
'110%' two shots
'150%'- three shots
'a million/ billion/ trillion percent'- four shots- god help you.

Bonus drinks...

Any of the judges or contestants crying
Dermot crying
Simon alluding to Louis being gay
Louis alluding to Simon being gay
Dannii making an inappropriate whooping sound
Sharon mentioning her kids/ Ozzy
Kelly Osbourne in the audience
Louis dissing Dannii's pop career
Simon winking
Louis squinting
Louis mentioning Westlife
Simon stands up to applaud someone's act
Sharon dances to someone's act
Any past contestants spotted in audience
Any mention of Leona Lewis or Shayne Ward
Any of the judges commenting on the other's plastic surgery/ hair/ teeth
The acts being forced to perform a medley
Louis saying either Beverley or Niki should be in the final
Sharon saying 'I'm impartial'
Any mention of dead relatives/ poverty/ illness/ the awful jobs they will have to go back to

Specialist contestant section:

Leon
If he wears a waistcoat
Any mention of Michael Buble
If he clasps his hands together in prayer
If he mentions how he has to do it for his mum
If he shakes

Rhydian
If he wears something glittery
If they play 'Phantom of the Opera' music to introduce him
Any mention of Wales
Any judge saying 'we're looking at the winner'
If he does an overlong plea for votes and Dermot has to interrupt him

Same Difference
If they look longingly into each others eyes
If there are more than 10 other people on stage with them (distraction technique!)
Louis shaking his head in disgust whilst they are on
Louis saying anything about Butlins
Any mention of bullying
Any shots of their local working men's club

Disclaimer: I cannot be held accountable for any liver failure as a result of the drinking game.

X Factor: The Semi-Final

To entertain myself this week I decided to cliche spot. Sadly for me, we only got 'the gloves are off', 'dark horse', 'hairs on the back of my neck stood up' (twice), and 'nailed it' 7000 times. Simon's normally good for a 'thousand percent' or two, so shame on him.
Dannii looks alternately gorgeous and awful every other week, and unfortunately for her she was having a wiggy Afghan week. Niki performed one dreary song and one which made Louis nod his head like a little puppy. I like it when he does that.
Leon sang two interminable jazz numbers, shaking like an abused kitten in his dad's suit for the first song. I really wanted him to say 'I've wanted to meet Michael Buble my whole life'. Leon wore leather trousers for his second number, which looked horrible and you couldn't even see his knob. Boo. Simon was right that he didn't connect with the audience. He looked like he was going to death row, and was lucky to survive, in my opinion. Sort it aht, Leon. We're relying on you in this house to eat next week.
Dannii missed a trick by not getting Grhydian to sing 'Like a Virgin'! That would have brought the fucking house down. He had a little quiff tonight instead of the full Bart Simpson. I wish Grhydian was still ginge. I like gingers. I thought he was going to do the Nazi salute at any given moment. Simon stood up, so it must have been good, but we weren't feeling it in Roseland. I think my boyfriend summed it up best with the comment, 'If I wasn't sure Simon was gay before the series began, I'm fucking positive now.'
'The Same Difference' as Michael Buble called them (and it's a much better name) sang one of Simon's favourite gay anthems for the first song. One of the dancers had a Same Difference tattoo! So at least the have one fan for life (or until he has a bath). For their second song, the bullied (get over it) Same Difference sang a racist anthem by S Club 'go back to your own country' 7. See the way they stared into each others eyes when they sang 'you'll always be my baby'? VOMIT. They are deffo fucking. On the plus side, they sang better than normal and I was quite moved by the sobbing (which definitely kept them in).
So. That was it. I was glad Niki went 'back to serving beans next week'. See ya!

X Factor: 'I thought the eyes were great'

Two songs each tonight so twice the pain. The show kicked off with Rhydian, who our house-guest described quite accurately as 'that Swedish-looking freaky little gnome thing'. I think the dancers were wearing sunglasses so they didn't have to look at him. His suit was OK though. He did his usual singing. He'd be good in the theatre but I'm not interested in him as a pop singer.
Hope managed to achieve the almost impossible task of singing worse than the Spice Girls. I don't like it when they put the leery one up front- stick to the skunk one.
Niki did 'turn around Bright Eyes.' Wind machine! She was wearing a tent. I just turn off my brain when she's on. She's unlikeable.
Leon did Queen too- yawn. Was it an AIDS theme his week? He did his stupid puppet thing again, I can't even watch. And a waistcoat too! Horrific. Lucky he's still cute. His future will be one crap swing album, then onto the obscurity bus. Blah.
Same Difference wisely made the girl not sing much. The brother can sing. When the doors opened behind them I thought they were sending the firing squad in but sadly, it was a bunch of gap-toothed kids. Puke.
Second song: Queen again! I thought Hope did much better. Even the tranny one sang in tune. I thought it was good fun. Much better than Five's version, haha. I do hate that fucking song though.
Leon's second song was much better. I like it when he stares moodily down the camera lens. He does have something in his eyes that Rhydian doesn't have; it's called sex appeal.
Same Difference sent the fear of God through me by mentioning the words 'family disco'. I like Wham but they did murder it somewhat. Niki did Sting! Don't tell anyone but I like that song. She sang it alright actually. Simon was wrong. Shame on Louis for digging up the dead dad. Poor show.
Rhydian finished the show by singing another song with no tune. Outstanding? I don't GET IT. He has the cold dead eyes of a snake. He says nothing to me about my life. He also looks angry when people criticise him. Take it on the chin, Welsh boy! 'I love all British people'. I don't!
It's a shame Hope went. I quite like them! Oh well, they should have worn their underwear again.

Deal with the Devil... well, Rhydian

You may have noticed and admired my fancy new header (or you might think it's shit- if so, booo!) Anyway, it was made for me by the writer of this nutty Rhydian fan site and am now writing some X Factor style babble for him. I'm like a guest columnist and my posts are called X Factor eXecration (that large X was NOT my idea). The X Factor is nearly over so we may as well milk it all we can, as the jungle is boring and there's nothing else on.
But he's trying to make me turn to the dark side and like Rhydian!!! It will never happen. Just looking up his nose on that banner freaks me out every time.
Leon is my man. Cute little pocket-sized, bandy-legged, manky-teethed Leon. Forever!

X Factor: Dead Dad returns!

Here we go again. I thought Beverley was very shrill. It didn't do it for me at all. Too shrieky. Same Difference did alright I thought; super cheesy but in tune mostly. He is a lot better than her. She needs to stop gurning. But apart from that, they are troupers. Their family seemed a bit touchy feely. I'm not really into all that.
Niki rolled out the dead dad again! Wrong! She sang the sort of ballad my mum used to play in the car. Her voice is good, there's just something unlikable about her (mainly self-pity). There is also something awkward about her when she performs.
I was pleased they played the Phantom of the Opera music again when they introduced Rhydian. I thought they'd stopped ripping the shit out of him when they didn't play it last week. Rhydian was back in full-on serial killer mode this week, shifty eyed and looking like he'd had a run in with an angry orange. The song he sang was dreadful, it had no tune at all. God knows why Dannii was crying I can only presume she was drunk or on her period. Hope were patchy but passionate. The other ones didnt sing a word, but the main girl did well and looked better now she's a reformed skunk.
I was disappointed Leon did swing. I hate swing! Still, on the plus side his hair has grown, and he didn't dance this week, so he looked HOT. Hurrah! He was in full on mini-josh-hartnett-with-manky-teeth mode, which works for me.
I enjoyed the end when Beverley went. I was glad Hope stayed as they are more interesting and I enjoyed Simon's gloating. Fuck you, Louis! You've only got Dead Dad now and you know she's no match for the angry orange.

X Factor: The Final Twelve

The X Factor last night was a big old weep fest. I was soooo happy that Dannii put the cut-price Josh Hartnett through (Leon) even though he can't sing that well. He's my favourite (cos I fancy him). I like Andy as well, but Rhydian? It should have been the cute little black kid who Louis liked.
Sharon cocked up too in my opinion. She definitely should have put in the little girl with the braces though. I was glad she put her with the afro and technicolour eyeshadow through, though. I like her (not enough to remember her name, obviously).
I was surprised by Simon's choices. I really wanted the geeks to go through and thought that Ghostt (their spelling error, not mine) had good voices. Instead he puts through the sinister Steps siblings and two groups of mangled together rejects (although the girls have half decent voices).
Louis had a barrel to scrape from and scrape it he did with the fair choices of the Nicky Clarke orphan,and the nice teacher woman, and then Mrs. Dead Dad (mentions of the dead dad so far... 60 billion).
But despite the constant hammering of these common-or-garden sob stories, the real joy and sorrow comes from the emotion displayed when they come through the doors and tell their assorted relatives that they have or have not made it. It's proper tearjerker territory.
And then! The errant Sisi got kicked out of the girl band for having a criminal conviction. They didn't tell us what it was, but I guessed assault, and sure enough, she beat up a McDonlads worker and failed to do her community service. Class!
So there's one very happy person dishing out Big Macs tonight. That's just the way it goes. But sometimes it goes the other way too.
Leon to win!