Ok I'm smashed because I've been playing my own X Factor drinking game (at the last minute we added in any cliche which proved deadly). But here's the news anyway:
It was a rubbish final. SD 1st song: strange child elf... the chritmas tree lights didn't go on when they were meant to. Louis decided to shuffle some papers. What papers were they? I have no idea. Altogether cheesy as fuck. But good news, there was more than 10 people on stage with Same Difference for each song. Distraction! (And drinks)
Leon 'dark horse' sang White Christmas, which was rubbish- he should have sang Last Christmas instead. He would have smouldered. Bland bland bland. Boo.
Rhydian's super white Nazi-youth (white angel) hair looked good. The first song was shit. I hoped he'd stand up with dirty knees after he knelt on the floor. And he dragged out the children's choir! Gimmick. They lit him as if he was Jesus. God damn.
Did you notice the roving reporters? Rhydian gets Myleene (not Welsh but quite well liked). SD get Jade Goody's ex. And Leon gets some cunt I used to go to school with! What the fuck? How unfair.
The next round saw the acts 'dueting' with some stars. SD got Jason Donavan, looking like a bug-eyed, Asda-brand Christian Slater. It was absolutely dreadful. I wish the judges could have commented and vomited all over it. Rhydian didn't fare much better. That woman sounded like she was gargling a boxful of frogs. 'So much charisma' WHERE??? Where is it fucking hiding? I can't see it.
Whilst watching Leon and Kylie, the Smiths lyric 'And death for no reason is murder' rattled around in my head. Kylie looked like she was wearing a lacy 'body' from dahn the market. Her face looked fucking melted. I once counted 50 Kylie posters on my wall when I was 9 years old, so I feel qualified to judge, and now when i see her I think, 'just go have children if you want them so much. Cos soon you'll be too old and all the sequins in the world won't be the same.' (Don't get me wrong, I hate children, but she's always bleating about wanting them. Seems to me she's more addicted to botox. Even Dannii's fitter than her these days.)
The 'auditonees' (read 'Losers') medley was just plain cruel. I hope that fat one tops herself tonight and the relatives sue Simon for all he's got.
And so finally. SD did High School Musical. Is it wrong to say I quite like that song? I enjoed Louis saying the looked 'like rabbits caught in the highlights'. He should know, the squinty little shit. Leon was just dreadful- he should have done the Westlife one. As it was, he sang (and I quote) 'the three blandest songs on the planet',
Rhydian was on last- well, what a surprise! After they lit him like the second coming earlier, it was obvious they were going to favour him to the end. he came on with his bow-tie unbuttoned like he'd just stood up to sing at a wedding. You should have doen Phantom, Rhydian! Or Freddie! Where was the glitter???
Anyway. Let's await the vote. And weep.