You still watching this formulaic old toot? Me too! Well take my hand and let me lead you through a forest of relentless negativity. Let's see how we're going to be patronised and manipulated tonight. What songs will be murdered? What pointless horrible theme will be foisted upon them (and us)? Oh, Saturday night at the movies. Gross. Only marginally better than 'Big Band' (await Michael Buble Christmas album in the adverts). Also, we call them FILMS. Stop trying to sound cool.
First off, I want to complain about the pink and blue logo. They still have the red and black logo at the start, so what's with this pink and blue bullshit? Red and black is strong! Pink and blue is wishy washy. Don't dilute your brand! Don't tell me Simon Cowell doesn't know about the essence of the brand. Red and black. Sort it out. Oh, the X is gold tonight. Yet MORE dilution! Fools.
So this lot of judges. Don't even get me started. I can't even look at Mel B without thinking of her husband killing a duck. She seems to have completely lost her spark, which I guess you would, if you're in a controlling relationship, where your husband bans the woman who sang the song 'Mama' from speaking to her... Mama. Sad. Cheryl Fernandez-V cares so little about her own identity that she would change her name twice (and probably counting). Does SHE not have a brand to think of? I know why she didn't go back to Tweedy, I guess (criminal record, cough) but really, I find it sad that this supposed successful independent popstar thinks so little of herself. If you want to change your name once, fine. Twice is starting to look dumb. Especially if you're tattooing that shit on you. It's quite sad to see. And Simon and Louis are just Simon and Louis. It's like a time warp. But now I'm getting old. And they look the same.
First up is Jake. On first, so they obviously want him out. Is it just me or was Jake 50 times better looking last year? I dunno if it's his hair or what but he is not doing it for me this time. I liked him last year. This song is fucking AWFUL. He sounds off. Is that falsetto? Morrissey would weep! What a boring performance. Terrible start. Simon doesn't even know who's mentoring this dude.
I miss Blonde Electric! There's no fun act. And no, that dude who did Rick Astley last week doesn't count. I tell you who I don't miss, though; Overload.
Only the Young. How the fuck did they survive doing Come on Eileen? Great phone outfit, though. What is it with this hair all the blokes have at the moment, like a big quiff with really short sides? It's hideous. A quiff is cool, like a Morrissey or Lee Ryan quiff (yeah I said it) but not this fucking boufanty nonsense. I'm so glad I'm not looking to fuck anyone new anymore, I'd be sick. The blonde guy looks like Jedward's older brother. Who is voting for Only the Young? Who is their audience? I like the fact they're actually friends, not manufactured. But really, who is there to like in the band? Everyone is strangely sexless. How do they all know each other? Are they fucking? Are they named after that average Brandon Flowers solo record? I need to know more. That performance did nothing for me one way or the other. It literally went in one ear and out the other. But don't get me wrong, I quite like them, lol.
I have no clue why this Jay James guy is there. He's like a poundshop James Blunt. We're trying to get rid of the other one, why do we need another! Please, no more posh pop stars. It's making me want to go all Russell Brand and start ranting nonsensically. The overs category is an actual embarrassment. It's dumb cos they get rid of loads of good boys and girls for these joke or mediocre acts. And he's singing fucking James Bond. Fuck James Bond and fuck this song. You need to be a woman to sing this song. This guy is too weedy for this song. Seriously, who is going to buy his album? Even my mum thinks he's a dick (probably). God, I hate Cheryl. She's a millionaire, gorgeous and newly married to the not-gay-at-all Jean-thingy whatshisface so you think she could crack a fucking smile once in a while. She always looks like someone's waving a wet fish under her nose, the miserable cow. I wouldn't buy any hairspray she advertised, I'd expect it to give me manic depression.
I was annoyed with Simon dissing Andrea last week as it was so transparently storylined as it's so obvious Andrea is going to win. I've not seen someone as good on X Factor since Leona Lewis. It's an insult for Simon to criticise him. Andrea seems so lovely, too. He even looks a bit cute tonight. And he LOVES PUGS. I want to cuddle him. I hate this song he's singing, though. It's such a warble fest. He's singing it well, though. I love the emotion! Simon is such a twat with his donuts comment to him. Simon is being a prick. His analogy was completely lost on Andrea.
Lola's boyfriend is cute! He obviously likes fish. I like Lola, I thought it was weird when she got sent home. I did like Steph as well, though. Eek, Lola sounds off. Shit. Oh she got good comments anyway. Never mind.
Next is Paul. My mum's favourite. Yawn! I hate Try a Little Tenderness, too. I can't get excited about this guy. I just don't get it. He's not for me. Was fat, now thinner. So what? Mel B thinks he's like a 'white Jay Z.'
I like Lauren Platt, she's cutesy. Loving her glittery eyeshadow, very Barry M. That song was a bit drab though, but her voice was good. I've just realised I've hardly said anything about what the judges are saying. It's because they're not saying anything interesting in the slightest.
Jack is the most pointless person in the competition. Nondescript voice, nondescript face and another hairsprayed quiff. Swap him with Jake and who could really tell the difference? Probably not even their own mothers. This one bores the crap out of me. I find him about as sexually attractive as I do Louis. Oh dear God, a pared down version of Eye of the Tiger. kjfjjrfjiieeeeueuuuuyrryryryiesjsjsjh. Sorry, that was me banging my head on my keyboard. I remember when this song had a tune. What issues is Mel talking about? Probably some problem with the duck killer she brought to work with her. And Mel might read this (ha!) and go, 'So he killed a duck! It was years ago!' But I say, once a duck killer, always a duck killer. Some things can't be erased by the sands of time.
Anyway. I can't get excited about Fleur. I like the letters spelling out her name. Remember Orla who Cheryl kicked out in place of the pathetic Chloe Jasmine? She was so interesting and cool. Fleur is just blah to me. I do like her little raps, and they're not cringe, which they easily could be, but I'm just not feeling her. Her backing vocals sound loud as fuck this week, too! You think they'd get the hint. Lady Marmalade, go away.
Stevi is getting on my nerves. Bring back Wagner! He looks like his face is melting. He can't sing a note. I can't even see the funny side. Louis agrees with me (worrying).
Simon pretending he goes to Harvester. Last time I went to a Harvester I locked myself out the house. Never again.
I've never seen Footloose, but I have seen the film where Kevin Bacon plays a paedo. I think I prefer that. Not sure it had any songs in it, though.
Dermot seems to be twitching about time tonight. He's making me feel on edge. Hold on, no one has done My Heart Will Go On yet. Talking of sinking ships, why is everyone moaning that this 8 piece boy band has 8... well, pieces, because they fucking put 8 of them together! I think they sing well. Fuck me, though, they ALL have that haircut! ALL OF THEM! Is it obligatory to be in a boyband, like when you join the army? I like the little tattooed one and the kind of ugly one who seems to be the best singer. There's three I would get rid of, though. One with weird teeth, one who looks like a ventriloquist dummy and the youngest one. Then it becomes a bit more interesting. Oh you could also ditch that one in the baggy grey tshirt. No one would miss him. Also, Stereo Kicks is the worst band name since One Direction. Truly, an abomination. DEAR LORD, Let it Be. I HATE Let it Be. I can play it on the keyboard, though. That and Oh When the Saints, obv.
Ben: 'I used to be sitting at home watching on the other side of the TV.' Why not turn it round, then? I look at Ben Haenow and I just see Steve Brookstein. And we need another Steve Brookstein less than we need another James Blunt.
Is that it? Oh can't it go on for another half an hour (no one ever said). Thanks for reading!
Showing posts with label The X Factor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The X Factor. Show all posts
Saturday, 25 October 2014
Saturday, 19 October 2013
The X Factor - Love and heartbreak
The flash vote is shit! Bring back deadlock, dumbasses.
Ugh, this prison officer loves football. So she's a control freak and a misogynist. Notice she mentioned football before her husband as the great love of her life. She looked cute in her wedding pics: must be hard work in those prisons! Surprise, surprise she's singing some boring arse song that you'd rather punch yourself in the face than listen to. I wish they'd make them just do new songs FFS. I'm tired of hearing fucking Whitney, Mariah and all that bollocks. Half the time you could be watching an X Factor from five years ago. My only hope is that as she's on first, people won't vote for her. I'm sure my mum loves her, I'm sure yours does, I personally think she's a boring, plate-faced personality void. No offence, ha! Even Nicole is saying she doesn't like it. Jam-honesty! Louis is pretending like he thought of the 'Screw-bo' joke. He didn't.
Dear God, even Kingsland Road like football?! I thought they were meant to be hipsters. This song is pure cheese. I wish they'd be a bit edgier. And if you believe that all of them are straight - clue, the black one definitely isn't - then you must be mad. I'd say up to three of them are probably gay. The dance routine was fucking awful. Them winking and leering was gross. The only thing that was OK was their singing.
I pretty much missed Nicholas's performance as I find that song so dreary and I was ranting about something on FB. So I missed Sharon's paedo comments. Oh well.
Abi's funereal version of Can't Get You Out of My Head was profoundly depressing. Is there a song on the planet that this bitch won't ruin? Everything about her annoys me; the budget specs, her boring personality and sub-indie schmindy ick music she does. I thought Sharon gave her some great advice. My advice would be, try spending more than £100 on your glasses. It's a worthwhile investment.
I like James Arthur in the audience all awkward. He was someone worth championing last year.
Oh Christ, Shelley is singing Single Ladies, probably one of the most offensive songs on the planet. That lyric 'if you like it then you should have put a ring on it' is both a disservice and insult to women everywhere. But what can you expect from a woman who's main interest in life seems to be seeing how many species she can endanger with her revolting husband? This song is a crime against women. Needless to say, Shelley is no Beyonce. But at least she's not Illuminati.
Oh so Miss Dynamix can't sing because the pregnant one is ill. This will give the misogyny brigade some more grist for their mill. 'She should be at home, waa waa waa'. Shut up.
I wish Sam Callaghan would take a walk... I don't mind where, could be into a canal, or just off a cliff, not bothered, really. He has the charisma of a potato. He has a face like a potato. Except I like potatoes. He just sounded like he was on the loo for the high bit. I don't think he's going to go the distance, I really don't.
I like Tamera. I just don't like this song. But I do think she could win it - she has a talent and stage presence the others don't have. I wish they wouldn't keep changing her look each week, I liked her blonde.
So Luke has been put in a boat this week. When's the water coming to make him fuck off? I'd like to see him and his pathetic hair bobbing off into the distance. Things I know about him: hair. mum. It's not enough to be a popstar, kiddo! You just haven't earned it yet baby. He's got a hanky hanging out of his back pocket. Apparently this means you're gay, and you're saying what type of gay sex you like. I'll leave you to fill in those gaps. I will say that he did appear to be able to carry a tune tonight, which is more than I can say for previous weeks.
Rough Copy have gone a bit cheeseball this week, too. Some interesting clothing going on there, too. I like them, but hope they don't get too watered down. I liked one of them whipping the mic off Dermy.
This backstage bit with Caroline Flack is just boring padding and filler. She's better than this!
If I never have to hear anyone sing 'Beautiful' again, I'd appreciate it. I like Hannah, though. She looks cool and she seems lovely, and she sang with passion. Aw, her comments were cute at the end.
Are Kingsland Road really in the bottom two? What a load of shit. Neither of those groups should be in the bottom two. Hmm. Bad buzz. Bring back deadlock!
Ugh, this prison officer loves football. So she's a control freak and a misogynist. Notice she mentioned football before her husband as the great love of her life. She looked cute in her wedding pics: must be hard work in those prisons! Surprise, surprise she's singing some boring arse song that you'd rather punch yourself in the face than listen to. I wish they'd make them just do new songs FFS. I'm tired of hearing fucking Whitney, Mariah and all that bollocks. Half the time you could be watching an X Factor from five years ago. My only hope is that as she's on first, people won't vote for her. I'm sure my mum loves her, I'm sure yours does, I personally think she's a boring, plate-faced personality void. No offence, ha! Even Nicole is saying she doesn't like it. Jam-honesty! Louis is pretending like he thought of the 'Screw-bo' joke. He didn't.
Dear God, even Kingsland Road like football?! I thought they were meant to be hipsters. This song is pure cheese. I wish they'd be a bit edgier. And if you believe that all of them are straight - clue, the black one definitely isn't - then you must be mad. I'd say up to three of them are probably gay. The dance routine was fucking awful. Them winking and leering was gross. The only thing that was OK was their singing.
I pretty much missed Nicholas's performance as I find that song so dreary and I was ranting about something on FB. So I missed Sharon's paedo comments. Oh well.
Abi's funereal version of Can't Get You Out of My Head was profoundly depressing. Is there a song on the planet that this bitch won't ruin? Everything about her annoys me; the budget specs, her boring personality and sub-indie schmindy ick music she does. I thought Sharon gave her some great advice. My advice would be, try spending more than £100 on your glasses. It's a worthwhile investment.
I like James Arthur in the audience all awkward. He was someone worth championing last year.
Oh Christ, Shelley is singing Single Ladies, probably one of the most offensive songs on the planet. That lyric 'if you like it then you should have put a ring on it' is both a disservice and insult to women everywhere. But what can you expect from a woman who's main interest in life seems to be seeing how many species she can endanger with her revolting husband? This song is a crime against women. Needless to say, Shelley is no Beyonce. But at least she's not Illuminati.
Oh so Miss Dynamix can't sing because the pregnant one is ill. This will give the misogyny brigade some more grist for their mill. 'She should be at home, waa waa waa'. Shut up.
I wish Sam Callaghan would take a walk... I don't mind where, could be into a canal, or just off a cliff, not bothered, really. He has the charisma of a potato. He has a face like a potato. Except I like potatoes. He just sounded like he was on the loo for the high bit. I don't think he's going to go the distance, I really don't.
I like Tamera. I just don't like this song. But I do think she could win it - she has a talent and stage presence the others don't have. I wish they wouldn't keep changing her look each week, I liked her blonde.
So Luke has been put in a boat this week. When's the water coming to make him fuck off? I'd like to see him and his pathetic hair bobbing off into the distance. Things I know about him: hair. mum. It's not enough to be a popstar, kiddo! You just haven't earned it yet baby. He's got a hanky hanging out of his back pocket. Apparently this means you're gay, and you're saying what type of gay sex you like. I'll leave you to fill in those gaps. I will say that he did appear to be able to carry a tune tonight, which is more than I can say for previous weeks.
Rough Copy have gone a bit cheeseball this week, too. Some interesting clothing going on there, too. I like them, but hope they don't get too watered down. I liked one of them whipping the mic off Dermy.
This backstage bit with Caroline Flack is just boring padding and filler. She's better than this!
If I never have to hear anyone sing 'Beautiful' again, I'd appreciate it. I like Hannah, though. She looks cool and she seems lovely, and she sang with passion. Aw, her comments were cute at the end.
Are Kingsland Road really in the bottom two? What a load of shit. Neither of those groups should be in the bottom two. Hmm. Bad buzz. Bring back deadlock!
Sunday, 13 October 2013
The X Factor - the results
I don't think I'm going to be blogging a lot of these results shows. I've just got this feeling that I'm not going to get into X Factor this year. Get Lucky isn't really helping; hearing the original is enough to make me want to vomit. What's with the gyrating?! Make it stop. Bring back the Dermot trouser talk - it's less gratuitous.
Oh God, now we've got to put up with Ellie Goulding and her enormous moon face singing about something insignificant. Did the world request another Sharleen Spiteri when my back was turned? This song is just what I expected; a big pile of nothing. Who are her fans? Really? Even her thighs on show are unexciting. This is music for people who find Ed Sheeran a bit edgy. And she probably got her career bankrolled by her daddy, just like that hobbit.
No deadlock! WTF. Deadlock is the best bit of the results show. That sucks. I wonder why they've got rid of that. Probably because Louis kept fucking it up. That's going to remove quite a bit of suspense, actually.
Cher is on next. No, not Cher Lloyd, 'if I could turn back time' Cher.
The 'flash vote' actually ruins some of the suspense of tonight, too, because we already know one of the people on the block. Why are they meddling with all the suspense?! Leave that suspense where it is. Didn't they also tell us last night that it would be two people in Sharon's group going home, or did I dream that?
So Lorna and Shelley are in the bottom two. I feel sorry for Lorna, I like her! I wish it had been Luke.
I think the problem with Shelley is they've feathered her fringe a bit, and it looked better blunt. No wonder it's knocked her confidence: no one wants a wispy fringe. What's she wearing? Looks like she's going for a job interview. I guess she might be later.
Did Sharon just forget Lorna's name, or was she pausing for dramatic effect? Lorna also has 'work trousers' on, unflattering ones. Lorna is better than Shelley. Case closed.
Why is Sharon drinking out of a teacup, who does she think she is, Lady Gaga? She's abstaining from voting. She's becoming so affected, I've forgotten what her real personality is.
What the fuck! Did they really send Lorna home? She blew Shelley AWAY. I honestly can't believe that. I'm shocked. I thought Louis was just hamming it up when he voted for Shelley. Also, Lorna got more votes than Shelley, shouldn't that be taken into consideration by the judges, what the public want? Boo. Not sure I'm going to carry on blogging X Factor. I don't really care, and I'm not sure anyone else does. Huff!
Oh God, now we've got to put up with Ellie Goulding and her enormous moon face singing about something insignificant. Did the world request another Sharleen Spiteri when my back was turned? This song is just what I expected; a big pile of nothing. Who are her fans? Really? Even her thighs on show are unexciting. This is music for people who find Ed Sheeran a bit edgy. And she probably got her career bankrolled by her daddy, just like that hobbit.
No deadlock! WTF. Deadlock is the best bit of the results show. That sucks. I wonder why they've got rid of that. Probably because Louis kept fucking it up. That's going to remove quite a bit of suspense, actually.
Cher is on next. No, not Cher Lloyd, 'if I could turn back time' Cher.
The 'flash vote' actually ruins some of the suspense of tonight, too, because we already know one of the people on the block. Why are they meddling with all the suspense?! Leave that suspense where it is. Didn't they also tell us last night that it would be two people in Sharon's group going home, or did I dream that?
So Lorna and Shelley are in the bottom two. I feel sorry for Lorna, I like her! I wish it had been Luke.
I think the problem with Shelley is they've feathered her fringe a bit, and it looked better blunt. No wonder it's knocked her confidence: no one wants a wispy fringe. What's she wearing? Looks like she's going for a job interview. I guess she might be later.
Did Sharon just forget Lorna's name, or was she pausing for dramatic effect? Lorna also has 'work trousers' on, unflattering ones. Lorna is better than Shelley. Case closed.
Why is Sharon drinking out of a teacup, who does she think she is, Lady Gaga? She's abstaining from voting. She's becoming so affected, I've forgotten what her real personality is.
What the fuck! Did they really send Lorna home? She blew Shelley AWAY. I honestly can't believe that. I'm shocked. I thought Louis was just hamming it up when he voted for Shelley. Also, Lorna got more votes than Shelley, shouldn't that be taken into consideration by the judges, what the public want? Boo. Not sure I'm going to carry on blogging X Factor. I don't really care, and I'm not sure anyone else does. Huff!
Saturday, 12 October 2013
The X Factor - 80s night
Why, hello there. Oh, God, it's 80s night. I hate the 80s. The only band I like from the 80s are The Smiths and I can't see someone busting out Panic tonight. I'll be happy to take that back if they do.
Is it just me or is Dermot looking a little tired? Maybe he's just getting old, or he's tired of life, or he's tired of X Factor. More likely he's just tired of bouncing from foot to foot like the world's oldest schoolboy.
Sharon Osbourne walked out like she was someone with a walking stick on Jeremy Kyle, pretending they're disabled to get benefits. She's also dressing like an old dear, now, too.
Are they all pointing at Dermot's willy? Is that normal? It's a family show, etc. What sort of person looks at people's crotches anyway? It's creepy!
Hannah's on first: the shit spot. Best sing up, girl. I like her blue eyeshadow and that building behind her. I do not like her outfit. That skirt is vile. I also do not like this song. The only pop song I like from the 80s is Freedom by Wham. Oh, and I like Like a Prayer, but I think that was 90s. I thought that was quite a lacklustre start to the show, to be honest. Her performance was stiff and the song was crap.
I like Nicholas. I do not like Spandau Ballet. I do not like the fact I had to look up how to spell it. And I thought he sounded a bit flat in places. Is Nicole coming onto a fifteen year old? I think she is. Wow.
One of Miss Dynamix is pregnant. The way people were going on about it, you'd think she was disabled. Women have babies and jobs. Get over it. As for their performance, I thought it was a bit flat and their dance moves were a bit 'Jedward', ie. all over the shop. I do like them, though, so I hope they survive.
I really couldn't be less interested in this prison screw. Get your teeth fixed. Power ballads! Somebody shoot me. This episode has been boring as fuck so far. This Sam guy has a squashed face like he's run into a wall. His voice is drowning in backing vocals.
Kingsland Road have at least been entertaining, and appear to be able to sing. I think the 80s suits them - I mean, just look at their normal clothes. I think they could go quite a long way. It's like the X Factor's first hipster boyband.
I kind of missed Shelley as I was rummaging in a cupboard for things to sell on ebay. But I got the general gist.
The inspid Abi is doing Bon Jovi on the piano. Fuck off.
I like Lorna, but I have a feeling people won't vote for her because they're always pushing prison woman instead. Tamera is really good but I don't like this song.
Luke's up next. Does this dude have ANYTHING other than dirty hair. Looking like Worzel Gummage is NOT a route to becoming a popstar. He's singing out of tune as well.
Much as I like her, this bit with Caroline Flack is completely pointless. Isn't this drivel what Xtra Factor is for?
I like Rough Copy but I'm not feeling Phil Collins, to be honest. Nicole seems to think it was shamazing. I think Kingsland were the best of the lot tonight.
Oh, now there's some twist. Oh they're gonna choose the bottom two now. It's two of the overs! Well. Not really a shock.
Considering what a long show that was, this is quite a short blog. I don't know much, but I know that's not a good sign.
Is it just me or is Dermot looking a little tired? Maybe he's just getting old, or he's tired of life, or he's tired of X Factor. More likely he's just tired of bouncing from foot to foot like the world's oldest schoolboy.
Sharon Osbourne walked out like she was someone with a walking stick on Jeremy Kyle, pretending they're disabled to get benefits. She's also dressing like an old dear, now, too.
Are they all pointing at Dermot's willy? Is that normal? It's a family show, etc. What sort of person looks at people's crotches anyway? It's creepy!
Hannah's on first: the shit spot. Best sing up, girl. I like her blue eyeshadow and that building behind her. I do not like her outfit. That skirt is vile. I also do not like this song. The only pop song I like from the 80s is Freedom by Wham. Oh, and I like Like a Prayer, but I think that was 90s. I thought that was quite a lacklustre start to the show, to be honest. Her performance was stiff and the song was crap.
I like Nicholas. I do not like Spandau Ballet. I do not like the fact I had to look up how to spell it. And I thought he sounded a bit flat in places. Is Nicole coming onto a fifteen year old? I think she is. Wow.
One of Miss Dynamix is pregnant. The way people were going on about it, you'd think she was disabled. Women have babies and jobs. Get over it. As for their performance, I thought it was a bit flat and their dance moves were a bit 'Jedward', ie. all over the shop. I do like them, though, so I hope they survive.
I really couldn't be less interested in this prison screw. Get your teeth fixed. Power ballads! Somebody shoot me. This episode has been boring as fuck so far. This Sam guy has a squashed face like he's run into a wall. His voice is drowning in backing vocals.
Kingsland Road have at least been entertaining, and appear to be able to sing. I think the 80s suits them - I mean, just look at their normal clothes. I think they could go quite a long way. It's like the X Factor's first hipster boyband.
I kind of missed Shelley as I was rummaging in a cupboard for things to sell on ebay. But I got the general gist.
The inspid Abi is doing Bon Jovi on the piano. Fuck off.
I like Lorna, but I have a feeling people won't vote for her because they're always pushing prison woman instead. Tamera is really good but I don't like this song.
Luke's up next. Does this dude have ANYTHING other than dirty hair. Looking like Worzel Gummage is NOT a route to becoming a popstar. He's singing out of tune as well.
Much as I like her, this bit with Caroline Flack is completely pointless. Isn't this drivel what Xtra Factor is for?
I like Rough Copy but I'm not feeling Phil Collins, to be honest. Nicole seems to think it was shamazing. I think Kingsland were the best of the lot tonight.
Oh, now there's some twist. Oh they're gonna choose the bottom two now. It's two of the overs! Well. Not really a shock.
Considering what a long show that was, this is quite a short blog. I don't know much, but I know that's not a good sign.
Sunday, 6 October 2013
The X Factor: Judges 'Ouses (You're welcome edition)
I've wised up tonight and started watching this half an hour late. Bye bye ads!
The groups are going to New York. The girls are going to Antigua. Gary could be bothered to turn up, Nicole couldn't. Gary's got Olly Murs helping him. I miss Olly on the Xtra Factor, and I can't even stand him, but he's MILES funnier that this so-called comedian they've got on. I don't like the new format of Xtra Factor at all, which is a shame as I like Caroline Flack. I think she's very naturally funny (unlike her comedian co-host, ironically). I still Rylan would have been great on Xtra Factor. I do like him on BOTS but I think he would have been even better on Xtra Factor and got less Flack (soz).
Kingsland have been renamed Kingsland Road. Dear Lord, look what they're wearing! I think Queensland might have been more appropriate. One has braces and shorts on. He looks like a small man who would come out of a cuckoo clock. Two others look like they're dressed out of the school lost property box. They're definitely going to go through - I think they could go a long way.
Gary is doing his concentrating face watching this next group, the unfortunately named Brick City. He said they were his favourite so no doubt they're going to do crap. They've 'reimagined' Around the World by Lisa Stansfield. One has ankle high green socks on, and the lady of the group is wearing her dressing gown. Yep, as predicted, 'not much chemistry'. Groups like this with a mixture of boys and girls never get through. They don't have a clear audience.
Nearly all the groups and a god chunk of the girls are black. That makes a change. They'll probably squeeze as many white people through as possible, but there's even a black guy in Kingsland Road (I feel like a twerp even writing that band name). Who knew Gary was so all inclusive? No black people in Take That, were there!
I quite like Rough Copy. One of them always wears a dress and I think they can both sing. I can't remember the other one who had 'visa issues'. I like the fact that they didn't give Dermot the full hug either. Take that, Dermot (sorry).
I don't remember seeing Xyra ever before, so I don;t think that bodes well for them. They've 'reimagined' one and only Phil Collins classic 'In the Air Tonight' so now it doesn't have a tune. Interesting.
Code 4 have also lost a member. Why don't they call themselves Code 3 then! It's like Five all over again. NEVER have a number in your band name, or your Big Brother alliance. Any fool knows that. They are too cheesy for me. The way they ended that song made me want to puke. Olly: 'They gave 110%.' Should have kept the 10% back.
Have they seriously called this new group Miss Dynamix? How do Miss Dynamite and Little Mix feel about this? They are super cute. The blondish one sounds posh! I like the red haired one's voice. It's kind of husky. They are like the black Little Mix but better looking. They have to go through. I want them, Kingsland and Rough Copy to go through myself.
Now for the girls. The girls are the best category by a mile. Nicole Scherzinger is being an annoying show off. Nicole has got Mary J Bilge. At least she has a career, I suppose. She's a different class to Olly Murs but I find her somewhat impenetrable.
Wow, it looks beautiful where they are! Can I go on holiday there?
I like Tamera. I think she's really talented. I like it when people catch their breath between notes. I did prefer her blonde hair, though. Fucking hell, Scherzinger or Blige could have given her a cuddle when she was crying! Cold.
I like Jade! I love her voice and I love her look. I love the fact she has her arms out. She looks so cool compared to how she did when she was on it before. Just goes to show how changing your image can make you look like a completely different person. You can be a big girl and work it in a really individual way or you can be skinny and insipid (Melanie).
Ugh I can't stand this 'quirky' Abi girl. She's not even any good. I could name 500 real indie singers who are better than her. Her voice isn't even as good as toyboy tiger Diana Vickers.
I miss Relley's Cruella Deville hair! I like her, she's lovely. She was really fighting for it. Damn, I like too many of the girls! Nicole has a hard choice.
Melanie bores the shit out of me. She's such a drip. I really hope she doesn't go through. Oh God, not 'this is my last chance' again. Push her off the pier. I do like that song she sang, and I do think she had a good voice, but I can't connect with her. Mary J seems quite emotional today.
Hannah is up next. I like the way she talks and she looks cool. 'I want to be in places like this'. I don't blame her, it looks like paradise there. Look at that water!
She made Nicole cry so that's a good sign. Ooh, Mary hugged her! That's a good sign, too. 'You're welcome'. So you've said.
I think I want Tamera, Jade and Hannah to go through. But I really like Relley, too. I can't decide! The girls are on a different PLANET to the boys and the overs. It's shame we can't have 5 girls and 1 over. It's criminal to let some of these go for prison officer woman, for example.
OK, so now we find out who Gary's putting through. First up is rag tag brood Kingsland (Road). Well, we know they're going through. Honestly, their clothes clash worse than mine. Charity shop eek.
'What about now, what about today, what about something... something...' Simon Cowell really likes this song, have you noticed? So WHAT about now? What? We'll never know. Oh, Kingsland got through.
Yay, Rough Copy got through! I'm glad, there's something likeable about them. Aw, Gary said he's going to try and get the other one back! That's so lovely! I hope that happens. Aw, sweet. That one crying was so lush. I want to cuddle them.
Hmm, will it be Brick City or Miss Dynamix? Seen as Gary put Miss Dynamix together, and Brick City seemed to be named after a bad session in the lav, the writing appears to be on the (toilet) wall.
I like the blonde one in Miss Dynamix's make up. She reminds me of Tamera! Gary put the three groups through I wanted! Who'd have thunk it?
I wish Abi would shut up about lacking confidence. You're on telly, you must be fairly confident. 'I can't get a no, I can't.' I hope you do.
I love the bow in Jade's hair! Oh no, Nicole dumped her again. That sucks! She BETTER NOT put Abi through instead. I'm going to flip. I don't like this bit where you can't tell who they're talking to. Oh no, Relley got dumped, too. Boo! Nicole is not choosing the people I want. I can't believe she chose Abi out of those three. She was dire. Also: should have worn waterproof mascara. I honestly can't see people picking up the phone for her. I really can't.
Tamera has the most amazing lips! She keeps going on about the bad things she did, I think it was smoking weed, wasn't it? Big deal. All this Nicole hasn't made up her mind bullshit doesn't wash with me. She knows exactly that she's taking Tamera through. It's all actressing!
Put Hannah through! Please don't put dopey Melanie through over her. Hannah has got heart. Melanie is as vacuous as a Disney princess. At least Nicole made the right decision there picking Hannah. I wish she'd put Jade through, though! Grr. It's cruel bringing people back and back and rejecting them again. Like the chairs. No Rylan theatrics this year, more's the pity. Ooh, she mentioned him! Do you think Nicole still talks to Rylan? He says she does, but come on.
Oh God, not this telling the families rigmarole again. I wonder how many people switch off at this point. I'm always amazed how big people's families are. There'd be like two or three people there for me, and only one would be a relation. I'd just get a shrug and a sausage in batter off my mum, my boyfriend and my best mate.
That was cute when Rough Copy were reuinited. I'm such a soppy sod! I need to get a grip. See you at the live shows. Not literally. I'll be sat on my couch as usual. Your weekend ends here.
The groups are going to New York. The girls are going to Antigua. Gary could be bothered to turn up, Nicole couldn't. Gary's got Olly Murs helping him. I miss Olly on the Xtra Factor, and I can't even stand him, but he's MILES funnier that this so-called comedian they've got on. I don't like the new format of Xtra Factor at all, which is a shame as I like Caroline Flack. I think she's very naturally funny (unlike her comedian co-host, ironically). I still Rylan would have been great on Xtra Factor. I do like him on BOTS but I think he would have been even better on Xtra Factor and got less Flack (soz).
Kingsland have been renamed Kingsland Road. Dear Lord, look what they're wearing! I think Queensland might have been more appropriate. One has braces and shorts on. He looks like a small man who would come out of a cuckoo clock. Two others look like they're dressed out of the school lost property box. They're definitely going to go through - I think they could go a long way.
Gary is doing his concentrating face watching this next group, the unfortunately named Brick City. He said they were his favourite so no doubt they're going to do crap. They've 'reimagined' Around the World by Lisa Stansfield. One has ankle high green socks on, and the lady of the group is wearing her dressing gown. Yep, as predicted, 'not much chemistry'. Groups like this with a mixture of boys and girls never get through. They don't have a clear audience.
Nearly all the groups and a god chunk of the girls are black. That makes a change. They'll probably squeeze as many white people through as possible, but there's even a black guy in Kingsland Road (I feel like a twerp even writing that band name). Who knew Gary was so all inclusive? No black people in Take That, were there!
I quite like Rough Copy. One of them always wears a dress and I think they can both sing. I can't remember the other one who had 'visa issues'. I like the fact that they didn't give Dermot the full hug either. Take that, Dermot (sorry).
I don't remember seeing Xyra ever before, so I don;t think that bodes well for them. They've 'reimagined' one and only Phil Collins classic 'In the Air Tonight' so now it doesn't have a tune. Interesting.
Code 4 have also lost a member. Why don't they call themselves Code 3 then! It's like Five all over again. NEVER have a number in your band name, or your Big Brother alliance. Any fool knows that. They are too cheesy for me. The way they ended that song made me want to puke. Olly: 'They gave 110%.' Should have kept the 10% back.
Have they seriously called this new group Miss Dynamix? How do Miss Dynamite and Little Mix feel about this? They are super cute. The blondish one sounds posh! I like the red haired one's voice. It's kind of husky. They are like the black Little Mix but better looking. They have to go through. I want them, Kingsland and Rough Copy to go through myself.
Now for the girls. The girls are the best category by a mile. Nicole Scherzinger is being an annoying show off. Nicole has got Mary J Bilge. At least she has a career, I suppose. She's a different class to Olly Murs but I find her somewhat impenetrable.
Wow, it looks beautiful where they are! Can I go on holiday there?
I like Tamera. I think she's really talented. I like it when people catch their breath between notes. I did prefer her blonde hair, though. Fucking hell, Scherzinger or Blige could have given her a cuddle when she was crying! Cold.
I like Jade! I love her voice and I love her look. I love the fact she has her arms out. She looks so cool compared to how she did when she was on it before. Just goes to show how changing your image can make you look like a completely different person. You can be a big girl and work it in a really individual way or you can be skinny and insipid (Melanie).
Ugh I can't stand this 'quirky' Abi girl. She's not even any good. I could name 500 real indie singers who are better than her. Her voice isn't even as good as toyboy tiger Diana Vickers.
I miss Relley's Cruella Deville hair! I like her, she's lovely. She was really fighting for it. Damn, I like too many of the girls! Nicole has a hard choice.
Melanie bores the shit out of me. She's such a drip. I really hope she doesn't go through. Oh God, not 'this is my last chance' again. Push her off the pier. I do like that song she sang, and I do think she had a good voice, but I can't connect with her. Mary J seems quite emotional today.
Hannah is up next. I like the way she talks and she looks cool. 'I want to be in places like this'. I don't blame her, it looks like paradise there. Look at that water!
She made Nicole cry so that's a good sign. Ooh, Mary hugged her! That's a good sign, too. 'You're welcome'. So you've said.
I think I want Tamera, Jade and Hannah to go through. But I really like Relley, too. I can't decide! The girls are on a different PLANET to the boys and the overs. It's shame we can't have 5 girls and 1 over. It's criminal to let some of these go for prison officer woman, for example.
OK, so now we find out who Gary's putting through. First up is rag tag brood Kingsland (Road). Well, we know they're going through. Honestly, their clothes clash worse than mine. Charity shop eek.
'What about now, what about today, what about something... something...' Simon Cowell really likes this song, have you noticed? So WHAT about now? What? We'll never know. Oh, Kingsland got through.
Yay, Rough Copy got through! I'm glad, there's something likeable about them. Aw, Gary said he's going to try and get the other one back! That's so lovely! I hope that happens. Aw, sweet. That one crying was so lush. I want to cuddle them.
Hmm, will it be Brick City or Miss Dynamix? Seen as Gary put Miss Dynamix together, and Brick City seemed to be named after a bad session in the lav, the writing appears to be on the (toilet) wall.
I like the blonde one in Miss Dynamix's make up. She reminds me of Tamera! Gary put the three groups through I wanted! Who'd have thunk it?
I wish Abi would shut up about lacking confidence. You're on telly, you must be fairly confident. 'I can't get a no, I can't.' I hope you do.
I love the bow in Jade's hair! Oh no, Nicole dumped her again. That sucks! She BETTER NOT put Abi through instead. I'm going to flip. I don't like this bit where you can't tell who they're talking to. Oh no, Relley got dumped, too. Boo! Nicole is not choosing the people I want. I can't believe she chose Abi out of those three. She was dire. Also: should have worn waterproof mascara. I honestly can't see people picking up the phone for her. I really can't.
Tamera has the most amazing lips! She keeps going on about the bad things she did, I think it was smoking weed, wasn't it? Big deal. All this Nicole hasn't made up her mind bullshit doesn't wash with me. She knows exactly that she's taking Tamera through. It's all actressing!
Put Hannah through! Please don't put dopey Melanie through over her. Hannah has got heart. Melanie is as vacuous as a Disney princess. At least Nicole made the right decision there picking Hannah. I wish she'd put Jade through, though! Grr. It's cruel bringing people back and back and rejecting them again. Like the chairs. No Rylan theatrics this year, more's the pity. Ooh, she mentioned him! Do you think Nicole still talks to Rylan? He says she does, but come on.
Oh God, not this telling the families rigmarole again. I wonder how many people switch off at this point. I'm always amazed how big people's families are. There'd be like two or three people there for me, and only one would be a relation. I'd just get a shrug and a sausage in batter off my mum, my boyfriend and my best mate.
That was cute when Rough Copy were reuinited. I'm such a soppy sod! I need to get a grip. See you at the live shows. Not literally. I'll be sat on my couch as usual. Your weekend ends here.
Saturday, 5 October 2013
The X Factor - Judges 'Ouses
Hello, and welcome to judge's 'ouses (always to be said in the style of Rylan Clark). Louis kicked off two of the boys I liked last week and instead picked posh Giles and some fat people. The musical-chairs-of-doom twist was unforgivable, and reassures me that the judges have neither nor soul or ethics. Here's your dream! Oh, no, give it to someone else. Sick fucks.
The girls category seems super strong; I think any of them could go through. As usual the oldies and the groups are a lame duck.
I know everyone hates Sharon, but I like her and her little dog, and she's more than a vast improvement on fun-vacuum drug-fixer Tulisa. 'Oh I don't do drugs, I just arrange for other people to get them.' That must be the most stupid thing I've ever heard, and I've seen her cousin Dappy on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
How Sharon has the gall to say the words 'the most incredible performer and writer' and then cart out the disgusting Robbie Williams is beyond me. He is the most gross, overrated, ugly, revolting piece of shit on the planet, with no redeeming features. I can't even look at him. He makes Gary Barlow look like he has the charm of Aaron Paul.
First up is the dowdy prison officer, giving it all the 'as a mother' bullshit. Spare me. She's so overrated. Her voice is not pleasant to listen to. I'm tired of Whitney. The standard on the US X Factor blows us out of the water. It really does. I've been really enjoying it!
Lorna is cute and has a nice voice. I think she deserves to go through. I bet you they put dowdy prison officer through over her, though. They always make the wrong decisions.
This next woman is 34? I am 33! She looks old enough to be my mother. I thought her audition was piss poor. It's a shame as I like her. I love her hair.
Another one going on about being a mother. And singing Coldplay. Double misery.
Fucking hell, this next one (Andrea) has bought a flute. She's yelping through High and Dry. Jesus, she just squeaked like when you tread on your cat's tail at the end.
This Joseph guy is an entitled prick, and is useless. I can't stand him! The way he was acting during musical fuck-you chairs was pathetic last week. Blah blah I'm broke, blah blah my son, that doesn't entitle you to be a popstar! He bummed a bunch of notes there. He's not even average, he's BELOW average. Pitiful.
Louis has brought someone from Westlife, someone from All Saints... and Sinitta. OK then. Which Appleton is this, Liam Gallagher's ex? All Saints are possibly the most boring girl band that ever existed.
First up from the boys is not-quite-committed-to-his-dreads, thingymebob. I'm so glad I'm too old to go out with boys who wear skinny jeans.
Next up is Sam who has a smug face. Take your bracelets off and grow up. It seemed like he was struggling to me, although he was better than the first one.
Ad chat: Oh Eminem. What has become of you?
Next up is Paul, who replaced the one I liked last week. This guy is the best one yet and he's still meh.
LOL to posh little twonk Giles singing 'You're Beautiful.' Get rid!
Ryan is another fat kid so no doubt there'll be some patronising 'which fat one will they put through' dramatics later. He was crap, too.
I like this one the best who sang 'a thousand years' last week. Why does he look like he's got a permanent black eye? Now someone's going to tell me it's some condition and I'm going to feel guilty. He looks he should be in Eden Lake, terrorising some middle-class people. I really hope they put him through, he's the only one I like. He's moved Barry from Westlife to tears.
OK, here we go. Not in the least bit surprised that as-a-mother-prison-warden got through. Hope they put Lorna through out of the next three. Oh, she is. Thank God. Those other two weren't good enough.
I hope they put the blonde fringey woman through over this knobhead going on as if he's the only man to have ever had a child on the planet. Yes. Sharon made the right choices.
Ad chat: Olly Murs makes me feel sick.
Lol Louis just said 'it's not good news... it's great news!' My boyfriend likes it when they say that. I don't care if Giles or fake dreadlocks or ruddy faced Ryan gets through. I only care about Nicholas! Sorry, Ryan, your left your job for nothing. Bad luck.
Ah, posh Giles got ditched. Boo woo. That means dready is through. I must admit, I prefer him out of the three. Louis's already trying to get him to wash his hair. He'll probably have a skinhead next week.
Oh, yes Louis put Nicholas through. Both fat ones got sent home! Discrimination! I actually think Louis made the right choices. Odd.
Ad chat: Gok. Get to fuck.
Oh now we have to watch them tell their families. Can't we watch the ones who went home and told their families they didn't get through? That would be more interesting. LOL, they ARE showing that, too. Hilarious. But THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Imagine having to be filmed telling your family you've not made it. That's horrid! I'd rather send them an email or something. Even that guy's MUM was entitled! When he said Sharon didn't put him through she goes 'you're joking'. No. He isn't.
Lorna was drinking from the bottle... good on her.
Is this over yet? I'm hungry. Too many adverts. And I don't like Xtra Factor anymore. I want something grim and gritty to watch after this. Ooh, I know, The Killing (US). I like Robocop dude.
See you tomorrow!
The girls category seems super strong; I think any of them could go through. As usual the oldies and the groups are a lame duck.
I know everyone hates Sharon, but I like her and her little dog, and she's more than a vast improvement on fun-vacuum drug-fixer Tulisa. 'Oh I don't do drugs, I just arrange for other people to get them.' That must be the most stupid thing I've ever heard, and I've seen her cousin Dappy on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
How Sharon has the gall to say the words 'the most incredible performer and writer' and then cart out the disgusting Robbie Williams is beyond me. He is the most gross, overrated, ugly, revolting piece of shit on the planet, with no redeeming features. I can't even look at him. He makes Gary Barlow look like he has the charm of Aaron Paul.
First up is the dowdy prison officer, giving it all the 'as a mother' bullshit. Spare me. She's so overrated. Her voice is not pleasant to listen to. I'm tired of Whitney. The standard on the US X Factor blows us out of the water. It really does. I've been really enjoying it!
Lorna is cute and has a nice voice. I think she deserves to go through. I bet you they put dowdy prison officer through over her, though. They always make the wrong decisions.
This next woman is 34? I am 33! She looks old enough to be my mother. I thought her audition was piss poor. It's a shame as I like her. I love her hair.
Another one going on about being a mother. And singing Coldplay. Double misery.
Fucking hell, this next one (Andrea) has bought a flute. She's yelping through High and Dry. Jesus, she just squeaked like when you tread on your cat's tail at the end.
This Joseph guy is an entitled prick, and is useless. I can't stand him! The way he was acting during musical fuck-you chairs was pathetic last week. Blah blah I'm broke, blah blah my son, that doesn't entitle you to be a popstar! He bummed a bunch of notes there. He's not even average, he's BELOW average. Pitiful.
Louis has brought someone from Westlife, someone from All Saints... and Sinitta. OK then. Which Appleton is this, Liam Gallagher's ex? All Saints are possibly the most boring girl band that ever existed.
First up from the boys is not-quite-committed-to-his-dreads, thingymebob. I'm so glad I'm too old to go out with boys who wear skinny jeans.
Next up is Sam who has a smug face. Take your bracelets off and grow up. It seemed like he was struggling to me, although he was better than the first one.
Ad chat: Oh Eminem. What has become of you?
Next up is Paul, who replaced the one I liked last week. This guy is the best one yet and he's still meh.
LOL to posh little twonk Giles singing 'You're Beautiful.' Get rid!
Ryan is another fat kid so no doubt there'll be some patronising 'which fat one will they put through' dramatics later. He was crap, too.
I like this one the best who sang 'a thousand years' last week. Why does he look like he's got a permanent black eye? Now someone's going to tell me it's some condition and I'm going to feel guilty. He looks he should be in Eden Lake, terrorising some middle-class people. I really hope they put him through, he's the only one I like. He's moved Barry from Westlife to tears.
OK, here we go. Not in the least bit surprised that as-a-mother-prison-warden got through. Hope they put Lorna through out of the next three. Oh, she is. Thank God. Those other two weren't good enough.
I hope they put the blonde fringey woman through over this knobhead going on as if he's the only man to have ever had a child on the planet. Yes. Sharon made the right choices.
Ad chat: Olly Murs makes me feel sick.
Lol Louis just said 'it's not good news... it's great news!' My boyfriend likes it when they say that. I don't care if Giles or fake dreadlocks or ruddy faced Ryan gets through. I only care about Nicholas! Sorry, Ryan, your left your job for nothing. Bad luck.
Ah, posh Giles got ditched. Boo woo. That means dready is through. I must admit, I prefer him out of the three. Louis's already trying to get him to wash his hair. He'll probably have a skinhead next week.
Oh, yes Louis put Nicholas through. Both fat ones got sent home! Discrimination! I actually think Louis made the right choices. Odd.
Ad chat: Gok. Get to fuck.
Oh now we have to watch them tell their families. Can't we watch the ones who went home and told their families they didn't get through? That would be more interesting. LOL, they ARE showing that, too. Hilarious. But THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Imagine having to be filmed telling your family you've not made it. That's horrid! I'd rather send them an email or something. Even that guy's MUM was entitled! When he said Sharon didn't put him through she goes 'you're joking'. No. He isn't.
Lorna was drinking from the bottle... good on her.
Is this over yet? I'm hungry. Too many adverts. And I don't like Xtra Factor anymore. I want something grim and gritty to watch after this. Ooh, I know, The Killing (US). I like Robocop dude.
See you tomorrow!
Sunday, 9 December 2012
X Factor: The final - James Arthur wins
So here we are, friends. We've made it. The dragon has been slayed. Now both boys are really winners. We just have to see what awful single they're gonna inflict on them.
Nice to see Dame Gary Barlow has had a haircut and a shave tonight. Perhaps he'll crack a smile, too.
I don't wish it could be Christmas every day, imagine the hangover and the indigestion. This Christmas medley is going on about five minutes too long. Where's Christopher Maloney? Probably in rehab.
I don't think James Arthur's haircut is helping his new chubby face. Jahmene Jugless? I don't think they should do songs again we've already heard. Why can't James sing his own song?
Jahmene is doing Angels, so I'm quite concerned that the fat frog-faced fuckwit is going to come out and start shouting over it. Ah, he didn't. Phew.
I can't believe James Arthur is doing 'Let's get it on' again. He should have done the one with the wub wubs. This was his worst performance, in my opinion. It it involved none of his shouting or emotion, it's just sleazy and gross. Rubbish.
That was nice of Louis to say Nicole was the best mentor ever on the X Factor. Tulisa did a delayed clap. Gary said nothing. He's right though, she seemed to go that extra mile to take care of them and support them.
I'm glad they're acknowledging Cher Lloyd, they never mention her, and she's bigger in America than Cheryl now, and that makes me laugh heartily. I like her cheeky little ways.
One Direction make me feel physically sick, except the one I deem acceptable to fancy. Harry Styles is nothing but a dirty little slag, and adult magazines drooling over them are creepy. Every single one of their 'songs' sounds EXACTLY THE SAME.
I just did some investigative research on the Chris Maloney no-show and turns out he stormed off because he was only given one line in the medley. Imagine if this cunt had won it? What a bastard. I hope he disappears back down the drain, and fast.
Emily Sande is the dreariest person ever. Dull as fuck.
So Jahmene's winning single is going to be Let it be? FFS. Is it a different song for James Arthur? I really hope so. Let's hope Fab Macca doesn't come out. I can play Let it be in the keyboard. I can also play Oh, when the saints. I'd rather listen to the Frog Chorus than this bullshit. Why is Louis supporting Jahmene so hard? What about James?
I miss James Arthur's glasses! His song is better than Jahmene's. I recognise it but I don't know what it is. Was nice what Tulisa said to James. I love James's deadpan replies to everything. He's just so understated. I like people who don't play the game and are just surly on TV.
My boyfriend is so bored he's fallen asleep and I can't really blame him. I just set up a direct debit to Refuge, ironically when Rhianna was singing her dull song, quite flat. Oh now she's 'reimagining' We Found Love in a Hopeless Place. Oh, at least it kicked in at the end. Uh oh, she's making the crowd go 'ooh ooh'. I thought that went out of fashion in about 1989. I'm getting quite bored now.
Dermot: 'The results is in.' Is they? About time. And the winner is... 'Ja.......'
JAMES! Was so nice when him and Jahmene hugged for so long. There's genuine love between them. James was literally speechless.
Nicole looks kind of sad, I think she's sad for Jahmene. Anyway, I hope they don't fuck up James's career. I hope he gets to do his own songs. And he's got to give the proceeds of the song to charity? How's he going to get out of his bedsit at that rate? Jibbed!
That was nice when they all ran on and James was just cuddling Jahmene and didn't even notice Nicole run up. Loved Rylan hugging Nicole at the end.
A feel good ending, and one we could have had in about 30 minutes. Thanks for sending my boyfriend into a coma, Simon. Now I need to stun him awake somehow for Peep Show.
Congratulations, James. A worthy winner. Enjoy.
Nice to see Dame Gary Barlow has had a haircut and a shave tonight. Perhaps he'll crack a smile, too.
I don't wish it could be Christmas every day, imagine the hangover and the indigestion. This Christmas medley is going on about five minutes too long. Where's Christopher Maloney? Probably in rehab.
I don't think James Arthur's haircut is helping his new chubby face. Jahmene Jugless? I don't think they should do songs again we've already heard. Why can't James sing his own song?
Jahmene is doing Angels, so I'm quite concerned that the fat frog-faced fuckwit is going to come out and start shouting over it. Ah, he didn't. Phew.
I can't believe James Arthur is doing 'Let's get it on' again. He should have done the one with the wub wubs. This was his worst performance, in my opinion. It it involved none of his shouting or emotion, it's just sleazy and gross. Rubbish.
That was nice of Louis to say Nicole was the best mentor ever on the X Factor. Tulisa did a delayed clap. Gary said nothing. He's right though, she seemed to go that extra mile to take care of them and support them.
I'm glad they're acknowledging Cher Lloyd, they never mention her, and she's bigger in America than Cheryl now, and that makes me laugh heartily. I like her cheeky little ways.
One Direction make me feel physically sick, except the one I deem acceptable to fancy. Harry Styles is nothing but a dirty little slag, and adult magazines drooling over them are creepy. Every single one of their 'songs' sounds EXACTLY THE SAME.
I just did some investigative research on the Chris Maloney no-show and turns out he stormed off because he was only given one line in the medley. Imagine if this cunt had won it? What a bastard. I hope he disappears back down the drain, and fast.
Emily Sande is the dreariest person ever. Dull as fuck.
So Jahmene's winning single is going to be Let it be? FFS. Is it a different song for James Arthur? I really hope so. Let's hope Fab Macca doesn't come out. I can play Let it be in the keyboard. I can also play Oh, when the saints. I'd rather listen to the Frog Chorus than this bullshit. Why is Louis supporting Jahmene so hard? What about James?
I miss James Arthur's glasses! His song is better than Jahmene's. I recognise it but I don't know what it is. Was nice what Tulisa said to James. I love James's deadpan replies to everything. He's just so understated. I like people who don't play the game and are just surly on TV.
My boyfriend is so bored he's fallen asleep and I can't really blame him. I just set up a direct debit to Refuge, ironically when Rhianna was singing her dull song, quite flat. Oh now she's 'reimagining' We Found Love in a Hopeless Place. Oh, at least it kicked in at the end. Uh oh, she's making the crowd go 'ooh ooh'. I thought that went out of fashion in about 1989. I'm getting quite bored now.
Dermot: 'The results is in.' Is they? About time. And the winner is... 'Ja.......'
JAMES! Was so nice when him and Jahmene hugged for so long. There's genuine love between them. James was literally speechless.
Nicole looks kind of sad, I think she's sad for Jahmene. Anyway, I hope they don't fuck up James's career. I hope he gets to do his own songs. And he's got to give the proceeds of the song to charity? How's he going to get out of his bedsit at that rate? Jibbed!
That was nice when they all ran on and James was just cuddling Jahmene and didn't even notice Nicole run up. Loved Rylan hugging Nicole at the end.
A feel good ending, and one we could have had in about 30 minutes. Thanks for sending my boyfriend into a coma, Simon. Now I need to stun him awake somehow for Peep Show.
Congratulations, James. A worthy winner. Enjoy.
Saturday, 8 December 2012
X Factor: The final
Manchester, so much to answer for. Well, that was a jolly little intro to the show. I watched a bit of programme about N Dubz last night (entirely by accident, of course) and all their songs were about nicking people's handbags! That's not right, is it?
Eh heh - Rylan has arrived! That's how to get the party started. Union J are on scooters. Spraggan! I'm surprised they've let her back in. Urgh, the Afghan. I'd forgotten about her. If only Ella (or Union J) were in the final rather than Mr 'Thanks for your support, it's been amazing' zzzz.
Jahmene looks like a little midget next to James and Chris. I never realised he was a little hobbit. I don't think Chris can open his mouth without 'thank you for support' coming out. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian and her 'emotional/ phenomenal' double bill of inanity.
My boyfriend just demanded I that I don't vote for James Arthur as I'll ruin his career. But I can't sit back and let Chris win. Not on my watch.
Nicole looks nice in red. Not sure Tulisa's dress fits her. Gary needs a shave. She described Jahmene as a 'man child'. This is the best publicity Asda has ever had. Let's hope Jahmene doesn't end up with an 'Oops' sticker on him. Nicole has obviously never eaten Asda meat or she wouldn't be so excited.
Ugh, now he tells us he's religious. How depressing. Nicole: 'Pray and vote for Jahmene.' But mostly 'vote'.
Jahmene has rented out Big Ben for the night. It's a big old venue, isn't it? He looks like he's got one of Hugh Heffner's jackets on. Falsetto times. I think that song quite suited him, actually.
I'll be interested to see what single they've picked to suit these three. A gospel, wub-wub cruise-ship combo. More likely it will be something completely unsuitable like Cannonball for Little Mix last year.
'THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT. ME NAN. EXCITED.' Argh! Shutupshutupshutupshutup. Nice cake. Maloney cupcakes. Creepy. Bloody Liverpool, first The Beatles, now this.
'He's as good as Nat King Cole.' That's a bit of a strange comparison. Gary, don't pretend you're ever going back to Christopher's nan's house again to eat her Iceland cream cakes. 'No one's stopping you.' Chris: 'except James and Jahmene.' Ha.
Chris is in the ghetto (blaster). What's this dated old trot he's singing? I feel like I'm at a musical and I hate musicals. Why is Nicole smiling? This man is standing in the way of her boys. Yay, Harry Hill ending. Christopher is a fan of the Harry Hill ending, and the rubbish songs he sings lend themselves to them. Louis: 'you're not going back to Liverpool.' Does he know something we don't? No one actually commented on his performance, it was all just sympathetic flim-flam.
Where's Olly Murs? I read this week that in a One Direction magazine they described Caroline as 'grandma Caroline' and said she 'looked like a goat'. Harsh! I think she's brilliant and pretty. She has come dressed as a Victorian nanny tonight.
'Christopher's another Tom Jones.' Oh God, one was enough. He's definitely using the same shade of fake tan.
I like Kevin Bacon talking about Jedward and Hollyoaks. I think that's the only advert I've liked all year.
Are they going to let James sing one of his own songs... nooooo, of course they're not. James channelling Dorothy: 'there's no place like home.' James Arthur has a nan, too. Nicole's horror at a bedsit. Yes, that's how people live, Nicole, you patronising cow. Welcome to Britain. I've lived in a bedsit smaller than that. Is Nicole his backing dancer now?
James is walking on stage like he needs the loo. He's doing Nina Simone, the Muse version. He's got pyramids behind him, so the Illuminati are on side, at least. He's got his jacket on, but it does look cold in there. He does look a bit Phil Mitchell in it, though. I watched his first audition last week and he looked like he'd put on about three stone. I still fancy him, though.
Don't worry, Tulisa, they'll know James is British from the teeth. And they will run away, crying. But we'll have him back. We embrace the bad tooth. Not nice of Nicole to call him 'mahoosive.', lol.
What's this song Kelly Clarkson is singing? Doesn't she have a couple of catchy ones? Why do they always do their dreary new single? Is this country music? It's awful. I don't think they've showed her face once. Has she got a massive spot or something? It's like Brandon Flowers behind those blinds all over again.
Do you think Nicole will ever speak to Jahmene again after this? Or will it be like the Pussycat Dolls all over again, and she'll change her number?
Oh Christ, Jahmene's singing Whitney. Has Nicole's mic broken? She's professional, isn't she? She's fixing that situation seamlessly! She coached him through that well. She doesn't sound bad, actually. I thought it improved it, if anything. It was added drama.
She looks MAD now. Someone's head is going to roll! That's the real Nicole right there! Jahmene handled that situation well, too. The term 'mic runner' is never going to be truer than in this moment. It'll be like someone who's done a failed lie detector test exiting the Jeremy Kyle studios.
Aw, Chris giving Gary the frame for his OBE was cute. My boyfriend just said, 'One day Chris Maloney could be OBE.' Hmm.
Gary and Chris are singing Rule the World. Ella sang this one better! My boyfriend says Chris is singing better than Gary. I despise them both equally. Chris looks so happy, bless him, in his Butlins jacket. How is Gary playing piano with one hand?
OMG Gary's as short as Dermot, and I've seen Dermot in Waitrose on Holloway Road, and he was short.
Ugh, what is this dreary song James and Nicole are singing? Awful song choice. They look like they're sat on the loo. I preferred 'Rule the world'. Nicole still looks miffed, and is giving James a weird look. Is she short-circuiting?
I like Rita Ora, she looks cool (usually) and I like that VIP song. What's up with her legs? Has she got clown pants on? Probably the most unflattering trousers I've ever seen. MEDLEY. I reckon she's going to rip those trousers off. She's got a Virgin Mary tattoo, cool. This second song is rubbish. Her hair is a bit Hilary Clinton tonight, but I still find her interesting. She looks like she needs to put a bra on, too. I think her stylist hates her. No trouser rip off, either.
Is Kylie going to do her reimagined version of Locomotion? I certainly hope not. She looks good, I think that dress is giving her fake curves. I like her hair colour and her eyebrow doesn't look like it's stapled halfway up her forehead either. I wouldn't mind looking like that in my mid forties. LOL Dermot is barely taller than Kylie, the smallest person in pop.
Ooh I was really worried when Jahmene went through that it was the end of James. But they did it. Yay! Happy times. Chris was a good sport, too. It was nice seeing Nicole hugging Dermot. Her boys made it!
LOL to the cameraman hitting the deck there! There's been a few rewind moments tonight.
Jahmene is carrying James! He must have the strength of ten men. Must be lugging all those tins in Asda.
That was good! It didn't drag too much either and I watched it with the adverts. James FTW! Maloney has been defeated. We can all sleep at night again. See you tomorrow.
Eh heh - Rylan has arrived! That's how to get the party started. Union J are on scooters. Spraggan! I'm surprised they've let her back in. Urgh, the Afghan. I'd forgotten about her. If only Ella (or Union J) were in the final rather than Mr 'Thanks for your support, it's been amazing' zzzz.
Jahmene looks like a little midget next to James and Chris. I never realised he was a little hobbit. I don't think Chris can open his mouth without 'thank you for support' coming out. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian and her 'emotional/ phenomenal' double bill of inanity.
My boyfriend just demanded I that I don't vote for James Arthur as I'll ruin his career. But I can't sit back and let Chris win. Not on my watch.
Nicole looks nice in red. Not sure Tulisa's dress fits her. Gary needs a shave. She described Jahmene as a 'man child'. This is the best publicity Asda has ever had. Let's hope Jahmene doesn't end up with an 'Oops' sticker on him. Nicole has obviously never eaten Asda meat or she wouldn't be so excited.
Ugh, now he tells us he's religious. How depressing. Nicole: 'Pray and vote for Jahmene.' But mostly 'vote'.
Jahmene has rented out Big Ben for the night. It's a big old venue, isn't it? He looks like he's got one of Hugh Heffner's jackets on. Falsetto times. I think that song quite suited him, actually.
I'll be interested to see what single they've picked to suit these three. A gospel, wub-wub cruise-ship combo. More likely it will be something completely unsuitable like Cannonball for Little Mix last year.
'THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT. ME NAN. EXCITED.' Argh! Shutupshutupshutupshutup. Nice cake. Maloney cupcakes. Creepy. Bloody Liverpool, first The Beatles, now this.
'He's as good as Nat King Cole.' That's a bit of a strange comparison. Gary, don't pretend you're ever going back to Christopher's nan's house again to eat her Iceland cream cakes. 'No one's stopping you.' Chris: 'except James and Jahmene.' Ha.
Chris is in the ghetto (blaster). What's this dated old trot he's singing? I feel like I'm at a musical and I hate musicals. Why is Nicole smiling? This man is standing in the way of her boys. Yay, Harry Hill ending. Christopher is a fan of the Harry Hill ending, and the rubbish songs he sings lend themselves to them. Louis: 'you're not going back to Liverpool.' Does he know something we don't? No one actually commented on his performance, it was all just sympathetic flim-flam.
Where's Olly Murs? I read this week that in a One Direction magazine they described Caroline as 'grandma Caroline' and said she 'looked like a goat'. Harsh! I think she's brilliant and pretty. She has come dressed as a Victorian nanny tonight.
'Christopher's another Tom Jones.' Oh God, one was enough. He's definitely using the same shade of fake tan.
I like Kevin Bacon talking about Jedward and Hollyoaks. I think that's the only advert I've liked all year.
Are they going to let James sing one of his own songs... nooooo, of course they're not. James channelling Dorothy: 'there's no place like home.' James Arthur has a nan, too. Nicole's horror at a bedsit. Yes, that's how people live, Nicole, you patronising cow. Welcome to Britain. I've lived in a bedsit smaller than that. Is Nicole his backing dancer now?
James is walking on stage like he needs the loo. He's doing Nina Simone, the Muse version. He's got pyramids behind him, so the Illuminati are on side, at least. He's got his jacket on, but it does look cold in there. He does look a bit Phil Mitchell in it, though. I watched his first audition last week and he looked like he'd put on about three stone. I still fancy him, though.
Don't worry, Tulisa, they'll know James is British from the teeth. And they will run away, crying. But we'll have him back. We embrace the bad tooth. Not nice of Nicole to call him 'mahoosive.', lol.
What's this song Kelly Clarkson is singing? Doesn't she have a couple of catchy ones? Why do they always do their dreary new single? Is this country music? It's awful. I don't think they've showed her face once. Has she got a massive spot or something? It's like Brandon Flowers behind those blinds all over again.
Do you think Nicole will ever speak to Jahmene again after this? Or will it be like the Pussycat Dolls all over again, and she'll change her number?
Oh Christ, Jahmene's singing Whitney. Has Nicole's mic broken? She's professional, isn't she? She's fixing that situation seamlessly! She coached him through that well. She doesn't sound bad, actually. I thought it improved it, if anything. It was added drama.
She looks MAD now. Someone's head is going to roll! That's the real Nicole right there! Jahmene handled that situation well, too. The term 'mic runner' is never going to be truer than in this moment. It'll be like someone who's done a failed lie detector test exiting the Jeremy Kyle studios.
Aw, Chris giving Gary the frame for his OBE was cute. My boyfriend just said, 'One day Chris Maloney could be OBE.' Hmm.
Gary and Chris are singing Rule the World. Ella sang this one better! My boyfriend says Chris is singing better than Gary. I despise them both equally. Chris looks so happy, bless him, in his Butlins jacket. How is Gary playing piano with one hand?
OMG Gary's as short as Dermot, and I've seen Dermot in Waitrose on Holloway Road, and he was short.
Ugh, what is this dreary song James and Nicole are singing? Awful song choice. They look like they're sat on the loo. I preferred 'Rule the world'. Nicole still looks miffed, and is giving James a weird look. Is she short-circuiting?
I like Rita Ora, she looks cool (usually) and I like that VIP song. What's up with her legs? Has she got clown pants on? Probably the most unflattering trousers I've ever seen. MEDLEY. I reckon she's going to rip those trousers off. She's got a Virgin Mary tattoo, cool. This second song is rubbish. Her hair is a bit Hilary Clinton tonight, but I still find her interesting. She looks like she needs to put a bra on, too. I think her stylist hates her. No trouser rip off, either.
Is Kylie going to do her reimagined version of Locomotion? I certainly hope not. She looks good, I think that dress is giving her fake curves. I like her hair colour and her eyebrow doesn't look like it's stapled halfway up her forehead either. I wouldn't mind looking like that in my mid forties. LOL Dermot is barely taller than Kylie, the smallest person in pop.
Ooh I was really worried when Jahmene went through that it was the end of James. But they did it. Yay! Happy times. Chris was a good sport, too. It was nice seeing Nicole hugging Dermot. Her boys made it!
LOL to the cameraman hitting the deck there! There's been a few rewind moments tonight.
Jahmene is carrying James! He must have the strength of ten men. Must be lugging all those tins in Asda.
That was good! It didn't drag too much either and I watched it with the adverts. James FTW! Maloney has been defeated. We can all sleep at night again. See you tomorrow.
Sunday, 2 December 2012
X Factor: the results
I wish I could be as happy and in love as Tulisa; her miserable face is such a good advert for going out with some footballing philanderer. I certainly hope they live happily ever after so Tulisa's unbridled joy can continue to shine out of her like she's R-Pattz hanging around in a badly CGI-ed forest.
Just when you think things can't get shitter, out comes Rod Stewart with some Merry Christmas/ Happy New Year bullshit, and a lyric about getting 'a Kanye West CD' unless I misheard.
Tulisa's clips package shows she looks better blonde; except for for when she went straw yellow and forgot to put a toner on. Isn't Tulisa aways having a go at Union J for standing on boxes? She's so cold and unfriendly and the shit she writes in Twitter shows she's a complete imbecile, too. I don't think Simon Cowell should put us with her calling people out and starting fights, it's not appropriate for a judge who's essentially on a children's show. I just can't even stand to look at her anymore.
Her song is insipid. I hope the others give her some critique at the end and tell her it's a bag of shit. I will give her something, she CAN sing, but she sounds croaky. At least she cracked a smile at the end, she's actually giving Gary Barlow a run for her money in the sourpuss Olympics for the past two weeks. But what happened to her 'urban roots'? This crap just sound like sub-standard Taylor Swift. Dappy must be agog.
Some good product placement in the adverts then; an advert for Tulisa's album, and then an advert with 'The power of love' on it. No wonder Frankie was ringing up James to give him his best wishes, he probably raked in a few grand over that.
Why is Simon Cowell always pushing these good causes on us in the middle of an entertainment show? He does exactly the same thing on X Factor US and it's excruciating.
Dermot, the word is DETERIORATE not DETERIATE. Sort yourself out. This is getting on my nerves. If I want to help a charity, I will, one of my choosing. I work for a charity. Simon could fund 50 charities with his millions. I just want to find out if James Arthur is going through or not. Get off my back with the emotional blackmail, already.
I like Pink, not her music, but her attitude. And she does have a few toe-tappers, you must admit.
This song's a bit dirgy, I preferred the one she did on Alan Carr recently. Is she pregnant? Looks like she's trying to cover something up in that dress. Her voice doesn't sound so good tonight. That guitar part was unnaceptable.
It's crunch time! We're down to the wire, etc. I'm sure it will be Union J who go, as much as I want it to be the Halloween pumpkin.
James and Christopher through. It's gotta be Union J to go. It is. Aw, that was so cute the way James and Jahmene hugged. I'm sad to see Union J go, especially with Christopher still there, ugh. I thought they went out very classy. I like the fact they're singing 'you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess.' Say no to pronoun changing. One Direction never won it, anyway, and Union J are better than One Direction. They should have sung this song last night, it's better than both the songs they sang.
It seems so unfair they're gone and Christopher 'I'm so grateful for the support' 'I love me nan' is still there. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian on X Factor US for just repeating the same meaningless .
Who on earth is going to want to do a duet with him next week? Probably Gary Barlow will have to step in and do it. Bad luck, GBa. Still, at least James got through. And we only have to watch it for one more week.
Just when you think things can't get shitter, out comes Rod Stewart with some Merry Christmas/ Happy New Year bullshit, and a lyric about getting 'a Kanye West CD' unless I misheard.
Tulisa's clips package shows she looks better blonde; except for for when she went straw yellow and forgot to put a toner on. Isn't Tulisa aways having a go at Union J for standing on boxes? She's so cold and unfriendly and the shit she writes in Twitter shows she's a complete imbecile, too. I don't think Simon Cowell should put us with her calling people out and starting fights, it's not appropriate for a judge who's essentially on a children's show. I just can't even stand to look at her anymore.
Her song is insipid. I hope the others give her some critique at the end and tell her it's a bag of shit. I will give her something, she CAN sing, but she sounds croaky. At least she cracked a smile at the end, she's actually giving Gary Barlow a run for her money in the sourpuss Olympics for the past two weeks. But what happened to her 'urban roots'? This crap just sound like sub-standard Taylor Swift. Dappy must be agog.
Some good product placement in the adverts then; an advert for Tulisa's album, and then an advert with 'The power of love' on it. No wonder Frankie was ringing up James to give him his best wishes, he probably raked in a few grand over that.
Why is Simon Cowell always pushing these good causes on us in the middle of an entertainment show? He does exactly the same thing on X Factor US and it's excruciating.
Dermot, the word is DETERIORATE not DETERIATE. Sort yourself out. This is getting on my nerves. If I want to help a charity, I will, one of my choosing. I work for a charity. Simon could fund 50 charities with his millions. I just want to find out if James Arthur is going through or not. Get off my back with the emotional blackmail, already.
I like Pink, not her music, but her attitude. And she does have a few toe-tappers, you must admit.
This song's a bit dirgy, I preferred the one she did on Alan Carr recently. Is she pregnant? Looks like she's trying to cover something up in that dress. Her voice doesn't sound so good tonight. That guitar part was unnaceptable.
It's crunch time! We're down to the wire, etc. I'm sure it will be Union J who go, as much as I want it to be the Halloween pumpkin.
James and Christopher through. It's gotta be Union J to go. It is. Aw, that was so cute the way James and Jahmene hugged. I'm sad to see Union J go, especially with Christopher still there, ugh. I thought they went out very classy. I like the fact they're singing 'you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess.' Say no to pronoun changing. One Direction never won it, anyway, and Union J are better than One Direction. They should have sung this song last night, it's better than both the songs they sang.
It seems so unfair they're gone and Christopher 'I'm so grateful for the support' 'I love me nan' is still there. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian on X Factor US for just repeating the same meaningless .
Who on earth is going to want to do a duet with him next week? Probably Gary Barlow will have to step in and do it. Bad luck, GBa. Still, at least James got through. And we only have to watch it for one more week.
Saturday, 1 December 2012
X Factor: Semi final
Someone ticked 'blah' for my last blog so I'd better up my game. BLAH was it! Blah? Well thanks for your thoughts, Christopher Maloney/ Christopher Maloney's nan. Thanks very much indeed.
Dermot didn't even do his dance tonight!
Gary Barlow keeps introducing Christopher like he's a nuclear war. In other news, Christopher claims to be 34 and straight. Don't get me wrong, he did sing that song well, but it's just such a cheesy song. He was shaking like a leaf. So are the judges all being told to be nice to him in a change of strategy this week to stop him getting sympathy votes? Tulisa begrudgingly said he was good, like she was announcing a cancer diagnosis. Louis trying to shift some Westlife units. Give it up, FFS. That dog is dead. He's right though, Christopher would be good on stage... then I never have to see him again. The only judge I like is Nicole, and a year ago I never thought I'd say that. Tulisa is now so dour she's making James Arthur look charasmatic.
How long before I miss Rylan? I miss him every second! I notice that pug-faced prick Kirk Norcross was slagging Rylan off this week. 'Karma' for Kirk would be being devoured by a pack of sexist dogs. Rylan has more charm, humour and heart in his eyebrow than Kirk has in his entire ancestry.
Aw, sad about Jahmene's brother who killed himself because of his mum's abusive relationship. Those must have been some seriously hairy times. Come on Jahmene, start crying. He sounded a bit flat, but I think it's because he's emotional. I do feel very, very sad for what happened to him; and sad for every woman and child being terrorised at a man's hands right now. If you can support domestic violence charities, please do, because the Tories are taking away women's refuges with all the heartlessness of the empathy-chip missing lizard bastards they are. Was sweet when Nicole and Gary were crying and very genuine. Aw, that was heartbreaking when he said, 'I feel like I let go of something.' No child should ever have to go through that. And any woman who is staying with a man right now 'for the sake of the kids' - look at what it does. Just look.
Union J haven't even got a sob story. I don't know what this song is. I found that one of their most boring performances so far. They are very vulnerable this week, what with the Maloney juggernaught, Jahmene's genuine sob story, and James Arthur and his magical teeth. It could be a all boys final.
Why is James Arthur sneering backstage? Perhaps he's just had his new dentures put in. James loving his siblings isn't a very good sob story.
James is doing U2. I hope it's a medley and he's gonna bust out a bit of Lemon in the middle. I don't like what he's wearing either. I'm not sure what he's doing with this, it's like a gospel version but it sounds all over the place.
Louis's comment: 'this time next year you're going to have three or four albums out.' They're not going to be very well-written, are they? Nicole is trying to steal Christopher's northern vote. Good tactics.
Nicole's first audition looked dreadful! I don't think Jahmene should do the song he sang at the first audition - it's cheating! I wish they'd let James Arthur sing his own song. Nicole's comments... 'dot dot dot... get out of here.' WTF? Can we get subtitles when she's on? I can't help liking her though; argh!
Christopher is doing a song from this millennium! Clocks everywhere... is it Chico time? (we wish) Clocked off. I wouldn't call Michael Buble 'modern'. He's not singing this very well, I think it only works when he's belting things out. My boyfriend thinks this is part of Gary's strategy to get sympathy again. He should have done Moves Like Jagger or Bruno Mars or some of that old trot that thickos like.
Westlife again! Fuck me. The last person I saw from Westlife was on This Morning and called Simon Cowell a 'music mongrel.' Fuck Westlife. Then I read another one of them saying Breaking Bad and Homeland 'weren't really girls programmes.' Go fuck yourself, twat. Also I know for a fact Westlife are dicks because they came into a place my friend worked and were drunk and abusive.
That song was too cheesy for Union J. Why didn't they do a Take That song, or some other modern song? That performance WAS too safe.
Nicole to Louis: 'you are a bomb diggity mentor.' Why is Dermot saying 'we all miss our families'. Where are his - have they been kidnapped?
James is doing The Power of Love. It needed to to kick off in the middle and it did. I think he should have done a rap in it, or brought out the wub wubs, because now he's in trub trubs. It was good, I just think it was a bit random. Gary said it was the performance of the series. I have liked at least six or seven of the others he's done better than that. But I want him to win so much. Vote for James! Let's make those gnashers big in America and give them a fright!
Gary Barlow keeps introducing Christopher like he's a nuclear war. In other news, Christopher claims to be 34 and straight. Don't get me wrong, he did sing that song well, but it's just such a cheesy song. He was shaking like a leaf. So are the judges all being told to be nice to him in a change of strategy this week to stop him getting sympathy votes? Tulisa begrudgingly said he was good, like she was announcing a cancer diagnosis. Louis trying to shift some Westlife units. Give it up, FFS. That dog is dead. He's right though, Christopher would be good on stage... then I never have to see him again. The only judge I like is Nicole, and a year ago I never thought I'd say that. Tulisa is now so dour she's making James Arthur look charasmatic.
How long before I miss Rylan? I miss him every second! I notice that pug-faced prick Kirk Norcross was slagging Rylan off this week. 'Karma' for Kirk would be being devoured by a pack of sexist dogs. Rylan has more charm, humour and heart in his eyebrow than Kirk has in his entire ancestry.
Aw, sad about Jahmene's brother who killed himself because of his mum's abusive relationship. Those must have been some seriously hairy times. Come on Jahmene, start crying. He sounded a bit flat, but I think it's because he's emotional. I do feel very, very sad for what happened to him; and sad for every woman and child being terrorised at a man's hands right now. If you can support domestic violence charities, please do, because the Tories are taking away women's refuges with all the heartlessness of the empathy-chip missing lizard bastards they are. Was sweet when Nicole and Gary were crying and very genuine. Aw, that was heartbreaking when he said, 'I feel like I let go of something.' No child should ever have to go through that. And any woman who is staying with a man right now 'for the sake of the kids' - look at what it does. Just look.
Union J haven't even got a sob story. I don't know what this song is. I found that one of their most boring performances so far. They are very vulnerable this week, what with the Maloney juggernaught, Jahmene's genuine sob story, and James Arthur and his magical teeth. It could be a all boys final.
Why is James Arthur sneering backstage? Perhaps he's just had his new dentures put in. James loving his siblings isn't a very good sob story.
James is doing U2. I hope it's a medley and he's gonna bust out a bit of Lemon in the middle. I don't like what he's wearing either. I'm not sure what he's doing with this, it's like a gospel version but it sounds all over the place.
Louis's comment: 'this time next year you're going to have three or four albums out.' They're not going to be very well-written, are they? Nicole is trying to steal Christopher's northern vote. Good tactics.
Nicole's first audition looked dreadful! I don't think Jahmene should do the song he sang at the first audition - it's cheating! I wish they'd let James Arthur sing his own song. Nicole's comments... 'dot dot dot... get out of here.' WTF? Can we get subtitles when she's on? I can't help liking her though; argh!
Christopher is doing a song from this millennium! Clocks everywhere... is it Chico time? (we wish) Clocked off. I wouldn't call Michael Buble 'modern'. He's not singing this very well, I think it only works when he's belting things out. My boyfriend thinks this is part of Gary's strategy to get sympathy again. He should have done Moves Like Jagger or Bruno Mars or some of that old trot that thickos like.
Westlife again! Fuck me. The last person I saw from Westlife was on This Morning and called Simon Cowell a 'music mongrel.' Fuck Westlife. Then I read another one of them saying Breaking Bad and Homeland 'weren't really girls programmes.' Go fuck yourself, twat. Also I know for a fact Westlife are dicks because they came into a place my friend worked and were drunk and abusive.
That song was too cheesy for Union J. Why didn't they do a Take That song, or some other modern song? That performance WAS too safe.
Nicole to Louis: 'you are a bomb diggity mentor.' Why is Dermot saying 'we all miss our families'. Where are his - have they been kidnapped?
James is doing The Power of Love. It needed to to kick off in the middle and it did. I think he should have done a rap in it, or brought out the wub wubs, because now he's in trub trubs. It was good, I just think it was a bit random. Gary said it was the performance of the series. I have liked at least six or seven of the others he's done better than that. But I want him to win so much. Vote for James! Let's make those gnashers big in America and give them a fright!
Sunday, 25 November 2012
X Factor results: Rylan styled out
What horrendous injustice will be served up tonight? I guarantee you Christopher 'orange' Maloney won't be in the bottom two. Those Northerners are mad fer (sh)it.
JACKETS! Coldplay. A winning combination. Jamie from Union J is a MUCH better singer than Jahmene.
Next up is Bruno 'I'd catch a grenade for you' Mars. That's the only good song he's got, isn't it? And it's only good because it's so stupid. He seems to have taken the Madness route with this new single. Absolutely interminable. Is he miming? He's a funny little thing, isn't he, like someone who'd offer to help you in a computer game and then send you off in the wrong direction, rubbing his hands with glee. My advice; shank him before he gets the chance. Also, take your shades off, you little dick.
I think Tulisa's actually looked good the past two nights, maybe she sacked her stylist.
Is Rhianna singing a serious song? Can you really believe that she's really back with that revolting thug? I refuse to believe it, but I have seen her interviewed before and she's thick as pigshit, so it's possible. Shame that rain isn't going onto her *crackle*. She could have done so much for battered women; instead she did nada. She never condemned him, never helped a DV charity, she was just stubborn and pig-headed. And you can say I'm victim-blaming if you like, but her attitude has probably killed a few women ('well if she's forgiven him, maybe I should forgive the person terrorising me?'). Ooh, she is getting wet now. Anyway, I do think she's beautiful and I hope Chris Brown doesn't kill her. It's quite interesting her album is called 'unapologetic'; it should be called 'naive' or 'idiotic'. As for him, he is beneath contempt and the fact the music business has 'forgiven' him makes me feel physically sick and ashamed to be human. I can't even stand to look at his face, he is so vile. Let's not ever forget what he did, please. Let's never excuse it. I genuinely hope he dies alone, poor and crying.
James: 'Six months ago, I was sitting on my bed, strumming...' Ahem.
I'm so SICK of hearing Christopher saying THE SAME FUCKING THING... 'I just want to thank the public... I can't believe I've got this far... I've come such a long way... thanks for all the support...' STFU!
Liking Rylan's silver leggings. LOL to Tulisa not allowed on stage anymore. James is through, whoop. Louis' face when Christopher went through, haha.
Aw, Rylan vs Union J in the bottom two. I think Rylan's a goner. He's singing WIRES! I love Wires. YES he's singing it well! This is amazing! My boyfriend just said 'if Simon was there he'd put him through cos he loves Athlete.' I don't know why my boyfriend knows this information. OMG, he sang it really well. That was quite moving. Nice when he cuddled Gary. Aw, I was blubbing then. What a ninny I am.
LOL, Union J are doing Snow Patrol. It's a middle of the road indie-off. Louis's face is a picture. Jamie is really pulling out all the stops. Aw, I do like Union J. But I don't want Rylan to go.
I feel all emotional right now! Even Gary is admitting he loves Rylan. Oh, Tulisa did him in. So sad to see Rylan go. He went out on a real high, though. I so wish it was Christopher.
I really hope Rylan goes on Celebrity Big Brother. He's the new Jedward! Love him.
JACKETS! Coldplay. A winning combination. Jamie from Union J is a MUCH better singer than Jahmene.
Next up is Bruno 'I'd catch a grenade for you' Mars. That's the only good song he's got, isn't it? And it's only good because it's so stupid. He seems to have taken the Madness route with this new single. Absolutely interminable. Is he miming? He's a funny little thing, isn't he, like someone who'd offer to help you in a computer game and then send you off in the wrong direction, rubbing his hands with glee. My advice; shank him before he gets the chance. Also, take your shades off, you little dick.
I think Tulisa's actually looked good the past two nights, maybe she sacked her stylist.
Is Rhianna singing a serious song? Can you really believe that she's really back with that revolting thug? I refuse to believe it, but I have seen her interviewed before and she's thick as pigshit, so it's possible. Shame that rain isn't going onto her *crackle*. She could have done so much for battered women; instead she did nada. She never condemned him, never helped a DV charity, she was just stubborn and pig-headed. And you can say I'm victim-blaming if you like, but her attitude has probably killed a few women ('well if she's forgiven him, maybe I should forgive the person terrorising me?'). Ooh, she is getting wet now. Anyway, I do think she's beautiful and I hope Chris Brown doesn't kill her. It's quite interesting her album is called 'unapologetic'; it should be called 'naive' or 'idiotic'. As for him, he is beneath contempt and the fact the music business has 'forgiven' him makes me feel physically sick and ashamed to be human. I can't even stand to look at his face, he is so vile. Let's not ever forget what he did, please. Let's never excuse it. I genuinely hope he dies alone, poor and crying.
James: 'Six months ago, I was sitting on my bed, strumming...' Ahem.
I'm so SICK of hearing Christopher saying THE SAME FUCKING THING... 'I just want to thank the public... I can't believe I've got this far... I've come such a long way... thanks for all the support...' STFU!
Liking Rylan's silver leggings. LOL to Tulisa not allowed on stage anymore. James is through, whoop. Louis' face when Christopher went through, haha.
Aw, Rylan vs Union J in the bottom two. I think Rylan's a goner. He's singing WIRES! I love Wires. YES he's singing it well! This is amazing! My boyfriend just said 'if Simon was there he'd put him through cos he loves Athlete.' I don't know why my boyfriend knows this information. OMG, he sang it really well. That was quite moving. Nice when he cuddled Gary. Aw, I was blubbing then. What a ninny I am.
LOL, Union J are doing Snow Patrol. It's a middle of the road indie-off. Louis's face is a picture. Jamie is really pulling out all the stops. Aw, I do like Union J. But I don't want Rylan to go.
I feel all emotional right now! Even Gary is admitting he loves Rylan. Oh, Tulisa did him in. So sad to see Rylan go. He went out on a real high, though. I so wish it was Christopher.
I really hope Rylan goes on Celebrity Big Brother. He's the new Jedward! Love him.
Saturday, 24 November 2012
X Factor: Where's Fernando?
What are the two musical styles you'd rather eat your own fist than listen to? That's right, it's Abba and Motown week! Talk about giving Christopher Maloney a free pass to the next round. Why can't we have 90s week, rock week, dance or pop week? Why has it always got to be these dated, duff themes? It's fucking idiocy.
It seems boring now there are only men left in the competition. I loved Rylan's amateur dramatics at Ella leaving. He's dra-ma, as Nicole would say.
I like Rylan's throne and the Alice in Wonderland set. I genuinely believe he's improved a lot since the beginning. Louis is right, Rylan is the people's champion, unlike Christopher who still gets boos at the mere mention of his name. Rylan keeping it classy with the comment about Gary's OBE, unlike Gary slagging of Rylan at his 'gig' this week, if that's what you call it.
I love the gay one in Union J. I think the other dark haired one is quite nice looking, too. My boyfriend's comment: 'There's four of them, one is gay and can sing - is it the new Queen?' They are singing my favourite Abba song, and the only Abba song I like. I'm not particularly liking their version. It's lacking the drama of the original - I think they made it a bit too frothy. I actually think Union J would be better without that George they shoehorned in, I think. He looks like a puppet Harry Styles.
Jahmene is still rolling out his sob story. It is horrendous what happened to him. Life's hard, innit? 'I had a dream'... I nodded off, more like. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Stop going on about your mum, you little lick-spittle. We all know how close Jimmy Savile was to his mother and how that ended up.
Ella, Ella, Ella... yeah we get the message. She gone now. Move on.
I thought James did the best he could with that rubbish song. They should have added some wub wubs. His voice sounds strong this week. I really hope he wins it. Angst and Abba. I've agreed with all of Louis's comments tonight. Gary: 'I'm your biggest fan.' What about Christopher Maloney? I wish they'd let James sing one of his own songs this week. I think I might ring up for James tonight. I just did - he doesn't sound quite as chirpy as when you ring up for Rylan.
Gary's introduction for Christopher Maloney was nice: 'brace yourselves.' Indeed. I don't think I've ever seen a judge so publically hate their own act. I can't stand Christopher's personality either, and how rude to say 'if people liked her, they should have voted for her.' Arsehole.
They've hidden him this week behind a bunch of half naked people. I just shouted 'FUCK OFF' very loudly at my screen. It's lucky the cat isn't near by or I'd probably have kicked it (OK, I wouldn't).
Louis giggling at the naked people was hilarious. 'Where's Fernando?' I don't think Louis has taken his meds tonight. Sir Gary apologising for the other judge's comments; who does he think he is? Just give the wrong number out so we can finally get rid of this cunt (Chris, not Gary, although...).
I like 'I'll be there' and I thought Union J sang it better than they did the first song. I do hope they become successful, I like them better than One Direction. Louis is making me laugh tonight.
Nicole just looked in the wrong camera and introduced James Arthur before Rylan came on. Oops! What is Rylan wearing? He's dressed like Mr Blobby. He didn't sing as well as in his first performance, but I still like the way he commands the stage. I love the way he talks to the judges, calling 'T' and Gary 'G' - it's so over-familiar, but lovely. Imagine if they'd pushed James Arthur out on the stage in that yellow suit and with those flashing lights, then we'd see what he was made of.
Jahmene's mum is definitely too old for bunches. I'd say 40 is the cut off point, but that's only because I like to wear bunches sometimes.
I wouldn't like to be 'wooed' by Let's Get It On. Is James wearing Gary Barlow's suit? I think he's got Dermot's shoes on, too. I hate this song. This is so cheesy. It's not the right fit for him. He smiled at the end of it, that's a rare sight. Louis is getting a bit over-excited. I think Nicole wants to look up 'you murdered it' in the English Dictionary, as that's not a compliment over here.
I actually like this song Jahmene is singing, argh! Nice to have your name up in lights like that, isn't it? LOL to Tulisa telling Louis to 'give it a rest'. I think he's drunk.
I like Gary's next introduction for Christopher: 'get out of your seats for Christopher Maloney.' Yeah, time for a tea break. He's got his jacket on again - good, perhaps he'll leave soon. There's overstaying your welcome and there's Christopher.
Nicole's cornflake analogy was a bit tenuous. She said 'I don't see much soul' and my boyfriend said, 'I do, an arsehole.' And there endeth my blog.
It seems boring now there are only men left in the competition. I loved Rylan's amateur dramatics at Ella leaving. He's dra-ma, as Nicole would say.
I like Rylan's throne and the Alice in Wonderland set. I genuinely believe he's improved a lot since the beginning. Louis is right, Rylan is the people's champion, unlike Christopher who still gets boos at the mere mention of his name. Rylan keeping it classy with the comment about Gary's OBE, unlike Gary slagging of Rylan at his 'gig' this week, if that's what you call it.
I love the gay one in Union J. I think the other dark haired one is quite nice looking, too. My boyfriend's comment: 'There's four of them, one is gay and can sing - is it the new Queen?' They are singing my favourite Abba song, and the only Abba song I like. I'm not particularly liking their version. It's lacking the drama of the original - I think they made it a bit too frothy. I actually think Union J would be better without that George they shoehorned in, I think. He looks like a puppet Harry Styles.
Jahmene is still rolling out his sob story. It is horrendous what happened to him. Life's hard, innit? 'I had a dream'... I nodded off, more like. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Stop going on about your mum, you little lick-spittle. We all know how close Jimmy Savile was to his mother and how that ended up.
Ella, Ella, Ella... yeah we get the message. She gone now. Move on.
I thought James did the best he could with that rubbish song. They should have added some wub wubs. His voice sounds strong this week. I really hope he wins it. Angst and Abba. I've agreed with all of Louis's comments tonight. Gary: 'I'm your biggest fan.' What about Christopher Maloney? I wish they'd let James sing one of his own songs this week. I think I might ring up for James tonight. I just did - he doesn't sound quite as chirpy as when you ring up for Rylan.
Gary's introduction for Christopher Maloney was nice: 'brace yourselves.' Indeed. I don't think I've ever seen a judge so publically hate their own act. I can't stand Christopher's personality either, and how rude to say 'if people liked her, they should have voted for her.' Arsehole.
They've hidden him this week behind a bunch of half naked people. I just shouted 'FUCK OFF' very loudly at my screen. It's lucky the cat isn't near by or I'd probably have kicked it (OK, I wouldn't).
Louis giggling at the naked people was hilarious. 'Where's Fernando?' I don't think Louis has taken his meds tonight. Sir Gary apologising for the other judge's comments; who does he think he is? Just give the wrong number out so we can finally get rid of this cunt (Chris, not Gary, although...).
I like 'I'll be there' and I thought Union J sang it better than they did the first song. I do hope they become successful, I like them better than One Direction. Louis is making me laugh tonight.
Nicole just looked in the wrong camera and introduced James Arthur before Rylan came on. Oops! What is Rylan wearing? He's dressed like Mr Blobby. He didn't sing as well as in his first performance, but I still like the way he commands the stage. I love the way he talks to the judges, calling 'T' and Gary 'G' - it's so over-familiar, but lovely. Imagine if they'd pushed James Arthur out on the stage in that yellow suit and with those flashing lights, then we'd see what he was made of.
Jahmene's mum is definitely too old for bunches. I'd say 40 is the cut off point, but that's only because I like to wear bunches sometimes.
I wouldn't like to be 'wooed' by Let's Get It On. Is James wearing Gary Barlow's suit? I think he's got Dermot's shoes on, too. I hate this song. This is so cheesy. It's not the right fit for him. He smiled at the end of it, that's a rare sight. Louis is getting a bit over-excited. I think Nicole wants to look up 'you murdered it' in the English Dictionary, as that's not a compliment over here.
I actually like this song Jahmene is singing, argh! Nice to have your name up in lights like that, isn't it? LOL to Tulisa telling Louis to 'give it a rest'. I think he's drunk.
I like Gary's next introduction for Christopher: 'get out of your seats for Christopher Maloney.' Yeah, time for a tea break. He's got his jacket on again - good, perhaps he'll leave soon. There's overstaying your welcome and there's Christopher.
Nicole's cornflake analogy was a bit tenuous. She said 'I don't see much soul' and my boyfriend said, 'I do, an arsehole.' And there endeth my blog.
Sunday, 18 November 2012
X Factor results: an Imbruglia-sized mistake
The two 'guests' on tonight: I hate Alicia Keys so much I'd rather be trapped in a prison cell with that one Olly Murs song about the crab on a loop for a week than go to 30 minutes of her of her tedious gig. Fuck her and her piano, I just find her pretentious, humourless, and I particularly hate that phone thing she does with her hand. Just: no.
Ella has got her hair up in that gross bun again. She's such a cute little thing, but they get her styling right once in ten times.
I thought Rylan sang well in the group song. I just gave him my vote. Take that, Barlow, etc.
So the gay one in Union J has come out, shocker. I've not been less shocked since Will Young came out. At least this guy did it whilst the competition was still on. Good for him.
I think there could be a big shock tonight and James or Ella could be in the bottom two, as I thought they were both patchy last night.
They're were taking the piss out Christopher with the laser beam eyes, weren't they? I do feel a bit sorry for him. But I still want him to go.
Gary's Evil Knievil joke goes over a thousand young heads - keep your references relevant, Granddad.
Who are these cunts buying Olly Murs's 'music'? The only interesting thing about Olly Murs is that he's been on Deal or No Deal twice, making him the only non oho (only here once). He's not even a good singer. I will give him something, though; I think he does a good job presenting Xtra Factor with Caroline Flack. I think she's brilliant; but he bounces off her well. Do you remember when Connie Huq was doing it *cringes and throws up simultaneously*. I think Caroline Flack is one of the most natural female TV presenters around right now. She just seems really down to earth and like you'd have a good time if you hung out with her. She makes Fearne Cotton and Holly-thingy look like boring old gits.
I'm so sick of Christopher thanking 'the public' for their support. Yeah the drunk/ elderly or sadistic public. THANKS A BUNCH. He's doing it for his nan, so it's all her fault.
Thank fuck I had a nap earlier and started watching the show 10 minutes late, which allowed me to forward through Alica Keys, who appears to have turned white. There were so many stupid props on the stage that I can only assume the song was utterly dire.
'Good luck to everyone' means 'Good luck to no one' so you might as well not waste your breath, Dermot.
YES! Rylan is through. My vote did count. LOL. He's got to sack his psychic now.
It's between James, Ella and Christopher. OMG. I was right, I predicted this right at the start - James and Ella in the bottom 2. Bad song choices, I'm telling you! This is a super cock up. I feel sorry for them because they should both be in the final. This is wrong.
Ella should go just for singing Beddingfield. Aw, she looks really sad. She has got one big mouth, bless her. Tulisa's face says she's already gone.
Aw, so cute when James kissed her as they crossed paths. 'This is James f-ing Arthur.' Oh Christ, he's singing Alicia Keys. Too much Alicia for one show! One second is too much. He should have put his glasses on for old times sake. Can you imagine if he went over to America with those teeth? They'd think there was something wrong with him, like he was simple or something. I love the fact he's not had them done. I thought he outdid her in that song. I hope she goes, but it's still wrong.
I love Tulisa's bile! At last she shows her teeth. Telling the public they're fucking wrong, yeah, eat that, public, you fucking morons. Don't you know how to use a sodding phone?
OH NO. Louis sent James home. Oh no. Bad feeling in my stomach. DEADLOCK.
Oh, thank God James got through. I'm sure that Ella will still do well, I think she should sing her own songs, get away from X Factor and become a credible artist and do her own hair and styling. She could still be massive. Who's successful after X Factor has diddly squat to do with who wins, anyway. I think it's just who gets the best manager.
No WOMEN left in the competition. I love you, Britain, you sexist fuckwits. And remember, kids, don't blame Rylan for this shitstorm; blame Christopher!
Ella has got her hair up in that gross bun again. She's such a cute little thing, but they get her styling right once in ten times.
I thought Rylan sang well in the group song. I just gave him my vote. Take that, Barlow, etc.
So the gay one in Union J has come out, shocker. I've not been less shocked since Will Young came out. At least this guy did it whilst the competition was still on. Good for him.
I think there could be a big shock tonight and James or Ella could be in the bottom two, as I thought they were both patchy last night.
They're were taking the piss out Christopher with the laser beam eyes, weren't they? I do feel a bit sorry for him. But I still want him to go.
Gary's Evil Knievil joke goes over a thousand young heads - keep your references relevant, Granddad.
Who are these cunts buying Olly Murs's 'music'? The only interesting thing about Olly Murs is that he's been on Deal or No Deal twice, making him the only non oho (only here once). He's not even a good singer. I will give him something, though; I think he does a good job presenting Xtra Factor with Caroline Flack. I think she's brilliant; but he bounces off her well. Do you remember when Connie Huq was doing it *cringes and throws up simultaneously*. I think Caroline Flack is one of the most natural female TV presenters around right now. She just seems really down to earth and like you'd have a good time if you hung out with her. She makes Fearne Cotton and Holly-thingy look like boring old gits.
I'm so sick of Christopher thanking 'the public' for their support. Yeah the drunk/ elderly or sadistic public. THANKS A BUNCH. He's doing it for his nan, so it's all her fault.
Thank fuck I had a nap earlier and started watching the show 10 minutes late, which allowed me to forward through Alica Keys, who appears to have turned white. There were so many stupid props on the stage that I can only assume the song was utterly dire.
'Good luck to everyone' means 'Good luck to no one' so you might as well not waste your breath, Dermot.
YES! Rylan is through. My vote did count. LOL. He's got to sack his psychic now.
It's between James, Ella and Christopher. OMG. I was right, I predicted this right at the start - James and Ella in the bottom 2. Bad song choices, I'm telling you! This is a super cock up. I feel sorry for them because they should both be in the final. This is wrong.
Ella should go just for singing Beddingfield. Aw, she looks really sad. She has got one big mouth, bless her. Tulisa's face says she's already gone.
Aw, so cute when James kissed her as they crossed paths. 'This is James f-ing Arthur.' Oh Christ, he's singing Alicia Keys. Too much Alicia for one show! One second is too much. He should have put his glasses on for old times sake. Can you imagine if he went over to America with those teeth? They'd think there was something wrong with him, like he was simple or something. I love the fact he's not had them done. I thought he outdid her in that song. I hope she goes, but it's still wrong.
I love Tulisa's bile! At last she shows her teeth. Telling the public they're fucking wrong, yeah, eat that, public, you fucking morons. Don't you know how to use a sodding phone?
OH NO. Louis sent James home. Oh no. Bad feeling in my stomach. DEADLOCK.
Oh, thank God James got through. I'm sure that Ella will still do well, I think she should sing her own songs, get away from X Factor and become a credible artist and do her own hair and styling. She could still be massive. Who's successful after X Factor has diddly squat to do with who wins, anyway. I think it's just who gets the best manager.
No WOMEN left in the competition. I love you, Britain, you sexist fuckwits. And remember, kids, don't blame Rylan for this shitstorm; blame Christopher!
X Factor: Guilty Pleasures and even their babies
That's a proper recap of last week's events! It's like something out of 24. So it's guilty pleasures week - at last Christopher will be in his element. Are we every going to see the back if his enormous orange moon-face?
I liked Dermot's Hammer Time intro. We also like it when he says 'your Saturday night starts here' as it feels like a FACT, even if you've started watching it two hours late like me. My night is just beginning! Dermot says so. There's a takeaway on the way, too.
If I was singing on 'Guilty Pleasures' week I think I'd do Abba, The Winner Takes it All. Or Like a Prayer by Madonna.
Isn't it cute how Union J's names all start with G or J? Hopefully they'll get more votes now those dress-up rapists have gone. Talking of sexism, I also don't like a pre-pubescent boy use phrases such as 'screaming like a girl.'
As much as I'm loathe to admit it, 'Call me maybe' is SO fucking catchy. 'Before you came into my life I missed you so bad' as lyrics are almost Morrissey-esque. I don't like their suits, they look like they're going for a job interview at a bank. My boyfriend said this was their 'en vogue' moment. Not sure I was feeling it myself. The cute/gay one in their band is so head and shoulders above the others in terms of vocal ability it's becoming embarrassing. It was a lazy production moves-wise, I think, Nicole was right.
I thought Ella's performance was dire. You can't reimagine 'You are one that you want'. My boyfriend said she can sing this at John Travolta's funeral. The Scientologists will have her lynched. No want wants an Angkor Wat version of a song off Grease. Did Gary really just say that was her best performance ever? Been on the wine again, Baz? I hate 99% of all slowed-down versions of songs, primarily because you can't sing along to them.
STOP SAYING ELLA IS ONLY 16. I don't CARE!
How can James Arthur top the wub wubs? I thought this was his duffest performance of all. He should have done a rap. Tulisa felt like she was 'down Camden with the cool kids.' Have you been down Camden lately? It's a dump. LOL to GB saying he wants James to win over Christopher there. Nice! Loyalty fail.
I want someone to 'reimagine' the Birdie Song or Snooker Loopy. LOL to Ed Balls tweeting Tulisa to tell her what's what about Call Me Maybe. Yeah eat that, Tulisa. Call Me Maybe rocks.
I have loved Rylan ever since he told the story of a fox mugging him for his wallet on the Xtra Factor and I will love him for 1,000 years more. What is Rylan going to do for guilty pleasures? Every week it's a guilty pleasure.
Rylan looks great! I like his flashing trousers. He seems vaguely in tune. Rylan always does a medley! I thought that was his best performance yet. He does own that stage and his singing was good. He murdered the Spice Girls last week, he was much better this week, what is Tulisa on?
Gary Barlow's comments are JUST PLAIN WRONG. Rylan has improved over time. I liked Rylan's comeback about wanting to mime. Not that he wants to sing better, just that he wants to be able to be autotuned and miming asap. It's genius.
Rylan's quip about Gary being fat was just brilliant. He's got comic timing you just can't learn. You got zinged, Gary! Hilarious, and then he tried to run away on the treadmill, it's almost Frank Spencer-like. Rylan was born to be a star, I'd kill to see him in Celeb BB this year. I'd just love to be his mate, really.
Christopher Maloney, we are getting a little bit tired of hearing your voice. I do like this song. Is that a giant him with laser beams coming out of his eyes behind him? Fucking hell, one looming orange face was enough! He's actually doing this quite well, but enough alreadyz.
I do feel a bit guilty about the mean things I've said about Jahmene, as I heard his brother committed suicide, so I think that abuse by their dad must have been pretty hardcore. This still doesn't make him a popstar. Jahmene is doing a dreary slowed down version of Don't leave me this way. No, really, do. Louis: 'you have got it all'. Except a personality. Tulisa's comments were nice to him. He does need his confidence building. Hard to get that back when it's been beaten out of you.
So basically Rylan was the best act tonight by about 300 miles. Get your baby out, give it your mobile and vote. Fuck the cancer risk.
I liked Dermot's Hammer Time intro. We also like it when he says 'your Saturday night starts here' as it feels like a FACT, even if you've started watching it two hours late like me. My night is just beginning! Dermot says so. There's a takeaway on the way, too.
If I was singing on 'Guilty Pleasures' week I think I'd do Abba, The Winner Takes it All. Or Like a Prayer by Madonna.
Isn't it cute how Union J's names all start with G or J? Hopefully they'll get more votes now those dress-up rapists have gone. Talking of sexism, I also don't like a pre-pubescent boy use phrases such as 'screaming like a girl.'
As much as I'm loathe to admit it, 'Call me maybe' is SO fucking catchy. 'Before you came into my life I missed you so bad' as lyrics are almost Morrissey-esque. I don't like their suits, they look like they're going for a job interview at a bank. My boyfriend said this was their 'en vogue' moment. Not sure I was feeling it myself. The cute/gay one in their band is so head and shoulders above the others in terms of vocal ability it's becoming embarrassing. It was a lazy production moves-wise, I think, Nicole was right.
I thought Ella's performance was dire. You can't reimagine 'You are one that you want'. My boyfriend said she can sing this at John Travolta's funeral. The Scientologists will have her lynched. No want wants an Angkor Wat version of a song off Grease. Did Gary really just say that was her best performance ever? Been on the wine again, Baz? I hate 99% of all slowed-down versions of songs, primarily because you can't sing along to them.
STOP SAYING ELLA IS ONLY 16. I don't CARE!
How can James Arthur top the wub wubs? I thought this was his duffest performance of all. He should have done a rap. Tulisa felt like she was 'down Camden with the cool kids.' Have you been down Camden lately? It's a dump. LOL to GB saying he wants James to win over Christopher there. Nice! Loyalty fail.
I want someone to 'reimagine' the Birdie Song or Snooker Loopy. LOL to Ed Balls tweeting Tulisa to tell her what's what about Call Me Maybe. Yeah eat that, Tulisa. Call Me Maybe rocks.
I have loved Rylan ever since he told the story of a fox mugging him for his wallet on the Xtra Factor and I will love him for 1,000 years more. What is Rylan going to do for guilty pleasures? Every week it's a guilty pleasure.
Rylan looks great! I like his flashing trousers. He seems vaguely in tune. Rylan always does a medley! I thought that was his best performance yet. He does own that stage and his singing was good. He murdered the Spice Girls last week, he was much better this week, what is Tulisa on?
Gary Barlow's comments are JUST PLAIN WRONG. Rylan has improved over time. I liked Rylan's comeback about wanting to mime. Not that he wants to sing better, just that he wants to be able to be autotuned and miming asap. It's genius.
Rylan's quip about Gary being fat was just brilliant. He's got comic timing you just can't learn. You got zinged, Gary! Hilarious, and then he tried to run away on the treadmill, it's almost Frank Spencer-like. Rylan was born to be a star, I'd kill to see him in Celeb BB this year. I'd just love to be his mate, really.
Christopher Maloney, we are getting a little bit tired of hearing your voice. I do like this song. Is that a giant him with laser beams coming out of his eyes behind him? Fucking hell, one looming orange face was enough! He's actually doing this quite well, but enough alreadyz.
I do feel a bit guilty about the mean things I've said about Jahmene, as I heard his brother committed suicide, so I think that abuse by their dad must have been pretty hardcore. This still doesn't make him a popstar. Jahmene is doing a dreary slowed down version of Don't leave me this way. No, really, do. Louis: 'you have got it all'. Except a personality. Tulisa's comments were nice to him. He does need his confidence building. Hard to get that back when it's been beaten out of you.
So basically Rylan was the best act tonight by about 300 miles. Get your baby out, give it your mobile and vote. Fuck the cancer risk.
Sunday, 11 November 2012
X Factor: Christoph-uck off, please.
Soz for the no show last night; like Father Christmas, I leave the house once a year. James and Ella were clearly the best, but I enjoyed Rylan murdering the Spice Girls. I think one member of Union J is a badass; the others can all sod off, especially the little ventriloquist's dummy who 'plays' guitar. One Direction and all who sail in them are beyond creepy, do they have any songs about not controlling fat girls?
OMG what's with the U2 Beautiful Day singalong? They should have sung Lemon instead.
I like Ella and her normal figure, and James and his bad teeth. I'm soooo tired of Jahmene. 'I'm singing for my mum' he opined on Xtra Factor. Why don't you stay at home and sing for her and save all the rest of us the drudgery, then? I find him as exciting as a dishcloth. If he beats either James or Ella, it will be a travesty. I thought he killed Angels, and I hate Angels, anyway. But at least Robbie can sing it.
As for Christopher, the desperation to get rid of him is clearly turning into the biggest pity vote since Rylan. District3 doing Eric Clapton was dire. Ella made me cry and James brought the wub wub.
Next up, it's my little muffins, Little Mix! I haven't heard them sing anything since the horrendously inappropriate Cannonball, so it will be interesting to see what they do here. This sounds like that Katy Perry song ET. I generally like songs that have stuttering in, not sure this is my bag, though. Lion hair is virtually unrecognisable. They all look a bit cross and frowny. I wonder if they speak to Tulisa anymore?
It's lucky my boyfriend's not here as he won't allow Ed Sheeran on the TV. It's indie music for people who've never heard indie music, isn't it? Do people actually fancy him? He looks like a hobbit. I'm a fan of gingers but he gives ginger a bad name. He's so boring he makes James Morrison look wacky. Look at what he's wearing! You're on TV, hobbit! Fix up, look sharp. I'd rather drink bleach than listen to his dreary album. It's like he's taken something people genuinely like and extracted all the good parts out of it and served it up morosely in a hoodie, wearing a wooden necklace. What is this, 2001? Fuck off Frodo, Gollam wants his ring back. SIX singles off his album??? Money-grabbing gimp. And Morrissey can't even get a record deal. Britain: you disgust me.
James through first. Whoop: Rylan's through next, sweet! He's gone back to black but I'll forgive him. I love his and James Arthur's friendship. All Nicole's boys through, including Asda-nerd. Interesting way to announce it. Ooh, will it be Christopher or the boybands in the bottom 2?
Ooh, harsh time to have a break, Dermy, you little sod! How many breaks can they cram into one hour-long show?
LOL Chistopher is through so Louis has to eat one of his babies. It better be District Blee. Union J are way better. Louis is looking grim-faced. Looks like Christopher might be getting all those zillions of votes after all. HOW?
There's not even an attractive one in District 3, they all like they could be scampering round Middle Earth as Ed Sheeran's little henchmen. I find them quite cheesy. I suppose it's good drama to have to kill off one of the boybands, though. I sense another one of Louis' meltdown's coming on.
Neither boyband can be THAT popular, anyway, if they keep getting beat by the squarest shelf-stacker in England and someone who can't sing a note.
Put Union J though! They're cuter. They have better clothes. They seem more passionate. I think they want it more. Aw, it's cute when they all hug at the end. This better go my way or I'm gonna be pissed.
It's weird they're getting Louis to vote first. He's refusing to vote! Go, Louis. Gary has voted to send District3 home. Good. Yes, Nicole did, too. It's conclusive. Hopefully Union J will rack up a few more votes now the vote is split, and the singing pumpkin will finally be binned next week. Tulisa: 'District3 were R&B'. Er, no they weren't.
I was going to give 'I'm a Celebrity' a go and write a first blog about it, but honestly, I can't stomach it. I can never keep up watching a whole series of it, and I'm always baffled how it does so much better than Big Brother with it's mixture of human and animal cruelty. I think it's just a tired format like The Apprentice. Big Brother never gets old for me. Yeah there have been magic moments on 'Celeb' (Burrell, Gaffney) but it's not enough. I'm out. Xtra Factor it is.
(PS: I reserve the right to watch one episode and change my mind at some point. But it's unlikely, my planner is on 0%. I've already had to delete about 40 Deal or No Deals.)
OMG what's with the U2 Beautiful Day singalong? They should have sung Lemon instead.
I like Ella and her normal figure, and James and his bad teeth. I'm soooo tired of Jahmene. 'I'm singing for my mum' he opined on Xtra Factor. Why don't you stay at home and sing for her and save all the rest of us the drudgery, then? I find him as exciting as a dishcloth. If he beats either James or Ella, it will be a travesty. I thought he killed Angels, and I hate Angels, anyway. But at least Robbie can sing it.
As for Christopher, the desperation to get rid of him is clearly turning into the biggest pity vote since Rylan. District3 doing Eric Clapton was dire. Ella made me cry and James brought the wub wub.
Next up, it's my little muffins, Little Mix! I haven't heard them sing anything since the horrendously inappropriate Cannonball, so it will be interesting to see what they do here. This sounds like that Katy Perry song ET. I generally like songs that have stuttering in, not sure this is my bag, though. Lion hair is virtually unrecognisable. They all look a bit cross and frowny. I wonder if they speak to Tulisa anymore?
It's lucky my boyfriend's not here as he won't allow Ed Sheeran on the TV. It's indie music for people who've never heard indie music, isn't it? Do people actually fancy him? He looks like a hobbit. I'm a fan of gingers but he gives ginger a bad name. He's so boring he makes James Morrison look wacky. Look at what he's wearing! You're on TV, hobbit! Fix up, look sharp. I'd rather drink bleach than listen to his dreary album. It's like he's taken something people genuinely like and extracted all the good parts out of it and served it up morosely in a hoodie, wearing a wooden necklace. What is this, 2001? Fuck off Frodo, Gollam wants his ring back. SIX singles off his album??? Money-grabbing gimp. And Morrissey can't even get a record deal. Britain: you disgust me.
James through first. Whoop: Rylan's through next, sweet! He's gone back to black but I'll forgive him. I love his and James Arthur's friendship. All Nicole's boys through, including Asda-nerd. Interesting way to announce it. Ooh, will it be Christopher or the boybands in the bottom 2?
Ooh, harsh time to have a break, Dermy, you little sod! How many breaks can they cram into one hour-long show?
LOL Chistopher is through so Louis has to eat one of his babies. It better be District Blee. Union J are way better. Louis is looking grim-faced. Looks like Christopher might be getting all those zillions of votes after all. HOW?
There's not even an attractive one in District 3, they all like they could be scampering round Middle Earth as Ed Sheeran's little henchmen. I find them quite cheesy. I suppose it's good drama to have to kill off one of the boybands, though. I sense another one of Louis' meltdown's coming on.
Neither boyband can be THAT popular, anyway, if they keep getting beat by the squarest shelf-stacker in England and someone who can't sing a note.
Put Union J though! They're cuter. They have better clothes. They seem more passionate. I think they want it more. Aw, it's cute when they all hug at the end. This better go my way or I'm gonna be pissed.
It's weird they're getting Louis to vote first. He's refusing to vote! Go, Louis. Gary has voted to send District3 home. Good. Yes, Nicole did, too. It's conclusive. Hopefully Union J will rack up a few more votes now the vote is split, and the singing pumpkin will finally be binned next week. Tulisa: 'District3 were R&B'. Er, no they weren't.
I was going to give 'I'm a Celebrity' a go and write a first blog about it, but honestly, I can't stomach it. I can never keep up watching a whole series of it, and I'm always baffled how it does so much better than Big Brother with it's mixture of human and animal cruelty. I think it's just a tired format like The Apprentice. Big Brother never gets old for me. Yeah there have been magic moments on 'Celeb' (Burrell, Gaffney) but it's not enough. I'm out. Xtra Factor it is.
(PS: I reserve the right to watch one episode and change my mind at some point. But it's unlikely, my planner is on 0%. I've already had to delete about 40 Deal or No Deals.)
Sunday, 4 November 2012
X Factor results: Kye bye
Evening! Well I enjoyed the X Factor judges on Alan Carr (minus Louis) more than I did last night's show. And in X Factor US they kicked out two of my favourites in one night, so I think I'm going to ditch that because children and cowboys don't really appeal to me. Also, there's too much screaming on it, you can't hear a bloody thing. Oh, and the hosts are insufferable. Come back Steve Jones, all is forgiven.
My boyfriend has taken to calling James Arthur 'Lurch' which I think is a bit harsh. I wouldn't mind him lurching at me down a dark alley, flappy hand and all.
My boyfriend just claimed 'Ella can't sing for shit.' That's a bit cruel. Firework is a hard song to sing, even Katy Perry can't sing it. She's probably the second best singer there.
Can we finally ditch the singing orange tonight, please? I don't care if grannies love it. That's purely speculation anyway. It's probably just Gary's wife ringing up 20,000 times from their Northamptonshire mansion.
I liked Rita Ora when she was guest judge but her song is ropey. She looks good, though.
Gwen Stefani: 'do you think I'm looking hot, are you looking at my rack?' More your stomach, if anything. 'Ow, ow, ow.' Did she stub her toe? Gwen Stefani might make a good X Factor judge. Shirley Manson would be better. Courtney Love would be better still, but she'd be sacked within a week. But oh, what a week.
Rylan should either dye his beard blonde or ditch the beard. The two-tone looks odd. I think he should embrace his natural ginger, personally.
OMG Christopher is through again! You've got to be kidding me. The audience were actually booing. WHO IS VOTING FOR HIM? Oh, I forgot, Gary's wife.
Shit, Kye and Rylan in the bottom two. I think Rylan's time might be up. Ooh what was the coarse language! I want to know. Bet it was Tulisa.
Nicole introduced her act by the power of mime. Eh heh, Rylan's going serious. He's doing the fish tank song from Romeo and Juliet. Aw, this is quite moving. He DOES sing better when he's not dancing! Go, Rylan! He's not hit a bum note yet. He looks really happy, too. Wow! That might have just saved him.
Kye's doing a dreary song. He looks like he's got leggings on and he's wearing a little girl's bow round his neck. He is singing it quite well, but he's so boring. Rylan FTW. So cute seeing Rylan and Dermot cuddling whilst Rylan sings. I think Kye is over-egging wandering behind the judges now. Rylan is the fan favourite. Is Gary going to stomp off again if things don't go his way?
Gary 'I'm sure that everyone at home agrees' - don't speak for me, you fucking prick! How dare he say that! Don't tell us what everyone thinks. Grr, I hate it when people say that, like when people say 'Every girl wants to get married' or 'everyone wants to be famous'. Piss off.
YES, Tulisa sent it to deadlock and Rylan was saved. Show Gary's face! So apparently 'everyone at home' DOESN'T agree with Gary after all. Funny that. Presumptuous prat.
Gary: 'when you have an act like Rylan good singers will go home every week.' What is that even supposed to mean? An act people enjoy, an act people like watching rather than dreary Kye and Christopher, or an act at least two of the judges AND the public are saving? What a twonk. Hopefully Rylan will win and Gary will quit. And then Simon will come back. And then something else. Shit, Downton Abbey has got a cricket match coming up. Pass the smelling salts. And the remote.
My boyfriend has taken to calling James Arthur 'Lurch' which I think is a bit harsh. I wouldn't mind him lurching at me down a dark alley, flappy hand and all.
My boyfriend just claimed 'Ella can't sing for shit.' That's a bit cruel. Firework is a hard song to sing, even Katy Perry can't sing it. She's probably the second best singer there.
Can we finally ditch the singing orange tonight, please? I don't care if grannies love it. That's purely speculation anyway. It's probably just Gary's wife ringing up 20,000 times from their Northamptonshire mansion.
I liked Rita Ora when she was guest judge but her song is ropey. She looks good, though.
Gwen Stefani: 'do you think I'm looking hot, are you looking at my rack?' More your stomach, if anything. 'Ow, ow, ow.' Did she stub her toe? Gwen Stefani might make a good X Factor judge. Shirley Manson would be better. Courtney Love would be better still, but she'd be sacked within a week. But oh, what a week.
Rylan should either dye his beard blonde or ditch the beard. The two-tone looks odd. I think he should embrace his natural ginger, personally.
OMG Christopher is through again! You've got to be kidding me. The audience were actually booing. WHO IS VOTING FOR HIM? Oh, I forgot, Gary's wife.
Shit, Kye and Rylan in the bottom two. I think Rylan's time might be up. Ooh what was the coarse language! I want to know. Bet it was Tulisa.
Nicole introduced her act by the power of mime. Eh heh, Rylan's going serious. He's doing the fish tank song from Romeo and Juliet. Aw, this is quite moving. He DOES sing better when he's not dancing! Go, Rylan! He's not hit a bum note yet. He looks really happy, too. Wow! That might have just saved him.
Kye's doing a dreary song. He looks like he's got leggings on and he's wearing a little girl's bow round his neck. He is singing it quite well, but he's so boring. Rylan FTW. So cute seeing Rylan and Dermot cuddling whilst Rylan sings. I think Kye is over-egging wandering behind the judges now. Rylan is the fan favourite. Is Gary going to stomp off again if things don't go his way?
Gary 'I'm sure that everyone at home agrees' - don't speak for me, you fucking prick! How dare he say that! Don't tell us what everyone thinks. Grr, I hate it when people say that, like when people say 'Every girl wants to get married' or 'everyone wants to be famous'. Piss off.
YES, Tulisa sent it to deadlock and Rylan was saved. Show Gary's face! So apparently 'everyone at home' DOESN'T agree with Gary after all. Funny that. Presumptuous prat.
Gary: 'when you have an act like Rylan good singers will go home every week.' What is that even supposed to mean? An act people enjoy, an act people like watching rather than dreary Kye and Christopher, or an act at least two of the judges AND the public are saving? What a twonk. Hopefully Rylan will win and Gary will quit. And then Simon will come back. And then something else. Shit, Downton Abbey has got a cricket match coming up. Pass the smelling salts. And the remote.
Saturday, 3 November 2012
X Factor: Number ones
I'm doped up on codeine due to my rickety back so if I say something offensive, blame the druggles. I am innocent!
So Lucy Spraggan has left the competition due to 'illness' - pig sick at the thought of what song they were going to make her cover next, I suspect. I think it's a shame for her fans and a bit of a kick in the teeth for them. It's weird when people are given an opportunity on a plate and hand it back; but then I guess the reality of fame - or what you thought you wanted - sometimes doesn't match up.
Bit tacky for Nicole to be bragging about having three acts when Lucy has left under a cloud.
Rylan: 'Essex is like the Hollywood of England.' Yeah, like Blackpool is the Las Vegas. Not good that he's up first, they must be sick of him. Rylan actually sounded in tune at the start. Maybe he just can't sing and dance at the same time. Even Gary's doing a little smile. I think he's doing quite a good job this week, it's a bit less OTT than usual. He's got his Brandon Flowers feathers on, too. Gary (the prophet of doom) going 'this might be your last week.' Keep peddling it, Gary, and people keep picking up the phones which is probably all a ploy anyway. I love Rylan calling Gary 'Gal' and 'G'. I even enjoyed Nicole's rehearsed 'shut up.' LOL to Dermot telling us not to smash through our glass windows at home, I was just about to.
Aw one of Union J is pretending playing the guitar, bless. This song is a bit lacklustre. I think this is one of the worse performances they've done. I do like the one on the right though, he can really sing. They're all done up like little Gary Barlows. Gary: 'you could work on your blending a little bit more.' Eh? How does one work on that?
Kye oh Kye, feels like there's a lot of deadwood now. Hahaha, he's doing 'You only get what you give'. 'Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson, they're all fakes run to your mansions.' OK, we will. I bet dude from the New Radicals doesn't have a mansion, probably more like a cardboard box. LOL I can't believe he sang the Courtney Love bit, I thought they'd cut it, or at least update it. That song was pathetic when it came out, and it's just tragic to hear it right now. Don't dig up dead donkeys.
Kye's hair isn't doing much for him, I think he should keep his fringe covering his massive forehead. Strangely on X Factor US they have given EVERYONE fringes, even Britney and Demi. I thought it was fringe week when I watched it yesterday. That show is duff though, the contestants aren't as good as ours - the teen category is unbearable.
James Arthur looks like he's put on a stone since his first audition. How does Gwen Stefani look exactly the same as she did 20 years ago? I mean, obviously it's surgery, but she's got a good plastic surgeon.
James Arthur is better than this song. Is it 90s week? He's got his coat on again, I liked the person on Twitter last week who said 'he won't feel the benefit when he goes outside.' I thought his rap was pretty naff but I liked the way he pronounced 'love'. I notice he's holding his mic in the wrong hand this week, maybe it's to control the flappy hand. What is this 'album track' nonsense Tulisa is on about? Albums, lol. Grandma.
I thought Ella was good this week, and she actually looked nice for once, rather than the usual way they do her up. Firework is really hard to sing. And always reminds me of Beavis and Butthead. 'You like this song, don't you?' 'No.' 'You're not a firework, you're the plastic bag drifting down the street.' 'No, no, I AM a firework!'
The blonde one in District3 has a particularly annoying face. That song was annoying, but I don't understand why this band are still in anyway. Tulisa: 'you overstepped the cheese mark.' Where does the cheese mark begin and start? And with which cheese? I didn't think it was as bad as Tulisa and Nicole are making out, though.
Jahmene is taking Nicole to the Asda freezer department. Nicole pretending to enjoy scanning items was patronising - try doing it for the next 50 years. Did Jahmene just say 'YO-gurt' instead of 'YOG-urt.' What a knob. If he was in the Big Brother house, he'd be a champion fencesitter. I just fast-forwarded through Jahmene as he's so boring. I can't stand Beyonce, and I can't stand Jahmene. Get to fuck. That 'Jah-mazing' thing is getting tired, too. If Jahmene wins, then it will be a victory for sheep everywhere.
Christopher Malone: 'maybe the other judges see me as a threat' and 'I'm the public choice' - oh, shut up. This cunt's got his coat on as well. Is he doing Celine Dion? FFS. Pass the gun. Aw, he's doing a little 'gran vote' blub. Urgh.
Didn't feel there was much to get my teeth into this week. Time for my tablets.
So Lucy Spraggan has left the competition due to 'illness' - pig sick at the thought of what song they were going to make her cover next, I suspect. I think it's a shame for her fans and a bit of a kick in the teeth for them. It's weird when people are given an opportunity on a plate and hand it back; but then I guess the reality of fame - or what you thought you wanted - sometimes doesn't match up.
Bit tacky for Nicole to be bragging about having three acts when Lucy has left under a cloud.
Rylan: 'Essex is like the Hollywood of England.' Yeah, like Blackpool is the Las Vegas. Not good that he's up first, they must be sick of him. Rylan actually sounded in tune at the start. Maybe he just can't sing and dance at the same time. Even Gary's doing a little smile. I think he's doing quite a good job this week, it's a bit less OTT than usual. He's got his Brandon Flowers feathers on, too. Gary (the prophet of doom) going 'this might be your last week.' Keep peddling it, Gary, and people keep picking up the phones which is probably all a ploy anyway. I love Rylan calling Gary 'Gal' and 'G'. I even enjoyed Nicole's rehearsed 'shut up.' LOL to Dermot telling us not to smash through our glass windows at home, I was just about to.
Aw one of Union J is pretending playing the guitar, bless. This song is a bit lacklustre. I think this is one of the worse performances they've done. I do like the one on the right though, he can really sing. They're all done up like little Gary Barlows. Gary: 'you could work on your blending a little bit more.' Eh? How does one work on that?
Kye oh Kye, feels like there's a lot of deadwood now. Hahaha, he's doing 'You only get what you give'. 'Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson, they're all fakes run to your mansions.' OK, we will. I bet dude from the New Radicals doesn't have a mansion, probably more like a cardboard box. LOL I can't believe he sang the Courtney Love bit, I thought they'd cut it, or at least update it. That song was pathetic when it came out, and it's just tragic to hear it right now. Don't dig up dead donkeys.
Kye's hair isn't doing much for him, I think he should keep his fringe covering his massive forehead. Strangely on X Factor US they have given EVERYONE fringes, even Britney and Demi. I thought it was fringe week when I watched it yesterday. That show is duff though, the contestants aren't as good as ours - the teen category is unbearable.
James Arthur looks like he's put on a stone since his first audition. How does Gwen Stefani look exactly the same as she did 20 years ago? I mean, obviously it's surgery, but she's got a good plastic surgeon.
James Arthur is better than this song. Is it 90s week? He's got his coat on again, I liked the person on Twitter last week who said 'he won't feel the benefit when he goes outside.' I thought his rap was pretty naff but I liked the way he pronounced 'love'. I notice he's holding his mic in the wrong hand this week, maybe it's to control the flappy hand. What is this 'album track' nonsense Tulisa is on about? Albums, lol. Grandma.
I thought Ella was good this week, and she actually looked nice for once, rather than the usual way they do her up. Firework is really hard to sing. And always reminds me of Beavis and Butthead. 'You like this song, don't you?' 'No.' 'You're not a firework, you're the plastic bag drifting down the street.' 'No, no, I AM a firework!'
The blonde one in District3 has a particularly annoying face. That song was annoying, but I don't understand why this band are still in anyway. Tulisa: 'you overstepped the cheese mark.' Where does the cheese mark begin and start? And with which cheese? I didn't think it was as bad as Tulisa and Nicole are making out, though.
Jahmene is taking Nicole to the Asda freezer department. Nicole pretending to enjoy scanning items was patronising - try doing it for the next 50 years. Did Jahmene just say 'YO-gurt' instead of 'YOG-urt.' What a knob. If he was in the Big Brother house, he'd be a champion fencesitter. I just fast-forwarded through Jahmene as he's so boring. I can't stand Beyonce, and I can't stand Jahmene. Get to fuck. That 'Jah-mazing' thing is getting tired, too. If Jahmene wins, then it will be a victory for sheep everywhere.
Christopher Malone: 'maybe the other judges see me as a threat' and 'I'm the public choice' - oh, shut up. This cunt's got his coat on as well. Is he doing Celine Dion? FFS. Pass the gun. Aw, he's doing a little 'gran vote' blub. Urgh.
Didn't feel there was much to get my teeth into this week. Time for my tablets.
Sunday, 28 October 2012
X Factor: Union Jaded
'Tonight, one act will be going home. FACT.' Who would you name as 'Britain's finest global superstar?' Apparently it's Robbie Williams. Does the globe know? He's not had a hit in a decade, FFS, and even when he did, his songs were interminable, lightweight bits of unlistenable shit. Global superstar, my arse. Global supercunt, more like. Bodies in the Bodhi tree! Shame it wasn't his.
Rylan sang his line in this opening song better than one quarter of Union J did. WTF is this song? You can see why some people hate music, can't you? Perhaps Phil Mitchell had a point after all. This song has got a lot of 'youuuuuuuuuu' in it, bring in Brian Molko, do it justice.
My friend made a good point yesterday that 'straight' Jahmene changed the pronoun in his song, but lesbian Jade had to sing a pervy song about a man and not change the pronoun. Boo. Double standards.
I don't know about this Fun band. I've heard of them but never heard them play, so let's see. Oh shit, it's like The Feeling or something, right? No fun! Aren't they a bit... 'instrumenty' for the X Factor? Are they foreign? Oh, is it like Mumford and Sons? He's got the braces. It's indie for people who don't like indie, isn't it? Luckily I was a bit behind so go to forward through half of that. I win!
Dermot introduced Robbie Williams as a 'loveable cheeky chappie.' I love him like I love catching gonorrhea. OMG is he wearing a purple rollneck? He looks fat as fuck. This song is worse than I could have ever imagined. 'Ring a ring a roses'?! This is fucking embarrassing. Lapdancing Louis isn't going to help. Liam Gallagher must be sitting at home with All Saint #3 giggling like Spongebob. Rylan is better than this load of balls. Unbearable.
HA, Gary Barlow helped 'co-write' that song. He must hate Robbie even more than he lets on. Has Robbie got a girdle on? Ugh, just get off my screen, you fucking mess. Go and eat your way through your hard-earned millions overseas, out of my line of vision.
Yes, Rylan is through, AGAIN! OMG, Christopher got more votes than Jade and Union J. He's harder to get rid of than herpes (I'll try and squeeze a third STD into my blog before the end if poss). I'm amazed District3 got more votes than Union J, Union J are far superior.
Who IS voting for Christopher? Even Gary seemed surprised. I reckon Union J are quite shocked to be in the bottom 2. Mind you, I'M shocked they're in the bottom two. I like this song they're singing. Is it Pink? Someone did it on The Voice once and it was brill. They seem a bit half hearted and broken. They look like they're going to cry. Dermot looks like he's going to cry. I like the way the other one in the bottom two stands grimly hugging Dermot. Aw, they're all crying. Aw, look at Louis's little face. I do hope they stay, but it's a shame for Jade, bless her.
Jade is singing Dido. Two members of Union J are having an emotional breakdown in the background. I'm finding her voice a little reedy tonight. It's a shame, neither deserve to be in the bottom. I like Jade's make-up, she looks good. See; it's always when they give them these pastel rinses they fuck up; look at what happened to Amelia Lily.
Ah, we didn't even get deadlock; Jade's a goner. Shame, she didn't deserve it. Why is she in those awful dungarees? She looks like she's about to paint the house. Oh well, at least she can go do the school run again now. I will miss watching her. Especially when I have to look at Mr Pumpkin head for another week. LOL Dermot mentioned the school run! I'm glad I'm never having children, so I can never just be defined by just one part of me. Women can do two things at once! On a good day, even three. Good night! PS: crabs.
Rylan sang his line in this opening song better than one quarter of Union J did. WTF is this song? You can see why some people hate music, can't you? Perhaps Phil Mitchell had a point after all. This song has got a lot of 'youuuuuuuuuu' in it, bring in Brian Molko, do it justice.
My friend made a good point yesterday that 'straight' Jahmene changed the pronoun in his song, but lesbian Jade had to sing a pervy song about a man and not change the pronoun. Boo. Double standards.
I don't know about this Fun band. I've heard of them but never heard them play, so let's see. Oh shit, it's like The Feeling or something, right? No fun! Aren't they a bit... 'instrumenty' for the X Factor? Are they foreign? Oh, is it like Mumford and Sons? He's got the braces. It's indie for people who don't like indie, isn't it? Luckily I was a bit behind so go to forward through half of that. I win!
Dermot introduced Robbie Williams as a 'loveable cheeky chappie.' I love him like I love catching gonorrhea. OMG is he wearing a purple rollneck? He looks fat as fuck. This song is worse than I could have ever imagined. 'Ring a ring a roses'?! This is fucking embarrassing. Lapdancing Louis isn't going to help. Liam Gallagher must be sitting at home with All Saint #3 giggling like Spongebob. Rylan is better than this load of balls. Unbearable.
HA, Gary Barlow helped 'co-write' that song. He must hate Robbie even more than he lets on. Has Robbie got a girdle on? Ugh, just get off my screen, you fucking mess. Go and eat your way through your hard-earned millions overseas, out of my line of vision.
Yes, Rylan is through, AGAIN! OMG, Christopher got more votes than Jade and Union J. He's harder to get rid of than herpes (I'll try and squeeze a third STD into my blog before the end if poss). I'm amazed District3 got more votes than Union J, Union J are far superior.
Who IS voting for Christopher? Even Gary seemed surprised. I reckon Union J are quite shocked to be in the bottom 2. Mind you, I'M shocked they're in the bottom two. I like this song they're singing. Is it Pink? Someone did it on The Voice once and it was brill. They seem a bit half hearted and broken. They look like they're going to cry. Dermot looks like he's going to cry. I like the way the other one in the bottom two stands grimly hugging Dermot. Aw, they're all crying. Aw, look at Louis's little face. I do hope they stay, but it's a shame for Jade, bless her.
Jade is singing Dido. Two members of Union J are having an emotional breakdown in the background. I'm finding her voice a little reedy tonight. It's a shame, neither deserve to be in the bottom. I like Jade's make-up, she looks good. See; it's always when they give them these pastel rinses they fuck up; look at what happened to Amelia Lily.
Ah, we didn't even get deadlock; Jade's a goner. Shame, she didn't deserve it. Why is she in those awful dungarees? She looks like she's about to paint the house. Oh well, at least she can go do the school run again now. I will miss watching her. Especially when I have to look at Mr Pumpkin head for another week. LOL Dermot mentioned the school run! I'm glad I'm never having children, so I can never just be defined by just one part of me. Women can do two things at once! On a good day, even three. Good night! PS: crabs.
Saturday, 27 October 2012
X Factor: Fright night
What was she for Halloween? The ugliest girl you've ever seen. Someday she will die alone. So says Courtney Love, and who are we to argue?
OMFG. What has Nicole come as? She looks like a Yeti. I think I preferred her prostitute/dominatrix look that was on the Daily Mail website earlier this week.Gary didn't look too impressed when Nicole waved her arse in his face. Mind you, not much impresses Gary. He's worse than Shania Twain or Sheryl Crow or whoever sings that shit. I think Louis should have come in full Count Dracula regalia with blood dripping from his gob. It would suit him.
Lucy's not well and can't sing? It's not like she really SINGS anyway. That is a shame though, as I do like seeing what she does each week.
Kye's up first, singing Robbie Williams' Let Me Entertain You. LOL, Gary was jealous when this song came out. Tragic. Imagine how low you'd have to be to be jealous of that frog-faced talentless fuck Robbie Williams. I'd rather be fat Gary Barlow, on my uppers and smoking a spliff than that rubbery egotistical bag of shit. I hate Robbie Williams more than anyone on the planet, and that includes Chris Brown.
Robbie looks washed up, but then he's looked washed up for about 15 years now. Anyway, what's Let me entertain you got to do with Halloween, apart from Robbie having the face of a fright mask? I think Kye might have slashed rubber trousers on. He kind of did a Harry Hill ending but not quite. He's definitely got his Kyeliner on tonight. 'Louis' little hand tapping away' is not an image any of us want in our heads.
Are you buying all these girls screaming for Union J-cloth? Me neither. Union J have come over a bit R-Pattz... wooden and chalky white. Another song I've never heard. This is what happens when you get old. I think I'm starting to fancy the gay one. The Barry Styles one makes me feel a bit Jimmy Savile. It's not right for a grown woman to fancy that one.
Tulisa's styling isn't right for her as usual. They always do her too old looking. She's a young woman! I'm almost wishing for the straw yellow hair again. Gary is disappearing behind a wall of dry ice. Not permanently, sadly. It would be good to deep freeze him, though. Then accidentally switch the plug off.
Ooh Rylan's on early. You can see his ginger beard regrowth. I like Robbie liking Rylan just to wind Gary up. I see Lucy was well enough to party at Rylan's party. I like Rylan white blonde! He should go back to blonde.
Toxic is a good song choice! Even Gary's smiling. He looks good, I like his styling. Oh not another medley. LOL to him waving his crotch in Gary's face. Gary's getting all the crotch action tonight. Gary loved it! That was very enjoyable. Louis: 'you remind me of a young Jean Paul Gautier.' Hilarious. Just brilliant.
Ella looks cool when she just styles herself. I like the way she has her hair and the clothes she wears. Robbie: I was a muppet at 16.' Er... who's gonna tell him?
I like Ella's vampire garb. Is she singing Evanescence? Crikey! That's almost alternative. I fucking hate them, obviously. She sounds a bit... flat? Oh just shut up, you're only 16. Ella will be in the final 3, doesn't matter what she does. Nicole is right, it was in the wrong key. The normal key is nails down a blackboard.
What's Christopher coming as, a pumpkin? He'll have to tone down his make-up a bit, boom boom. He's got his coat on. I'm surprised he hasn't got a sparkler in the go. Someone's shining a torch at him. Not sure why. Tulisa looks grim-faced. I'll say one thing; it's a lot better than last week, much less cheesy. LOL, another Harry Hill ending! He's making them his own.
I think Gary needs to get a restraining order against Nicole, she's like a drunk aunt at a wedding (sorry, that cliche is more overused than...) Louis: 'you remind me of Tony Christie.' Fucking hell, Louis, change the record.
OMG to Gary's comment about Tulisa's 'fag ash breath' - that is well below the belt! Really horrible man. Totally uncalled for. I hope says sorry after the break. People going 'oh he owned her' or whatever are so off, because to 'own' someone you need some class and humour; neither of which he has. I'll take fag ash breath over humourless cunt breath any day.
UGH The Other Boy Band are doing STING dressed up like the rapists of Clockwork Orange. That's double sexual terrorism right there.
Tulisa looks like she's been crying. I'd be struggling to keep my composure after than onslaught. Gary should have more respect for himself than humiliating a woman on TV like that, what a prize prick.
Jahmene has been hanging out with Samuel L Jackson. Well, that's pretty cool. Beats hanging out with Daniel Craig. I wonder if he got a free Kangol hat to take home. Is there a greater film on earth than Snakes on a Plane?
Jahmene is singing Killing Me Softly. I hate it when people change the pronouns in songs, just leave it as 'his', not her! It's so dumb. Morrissey wouldn't approve. Wouldn't want anyone to think little Jahmene was gay, would we? *snigger*. This song is no good without Wyclef on it. And it's shit with him on it. I don't rate Jahmene and if he wins it will be the most boring thing on the planet. Vocal acrobatics can fuck off.
I quite like Jade doing the Sugababes. Is it the Sugababes? Oh, she did the school run again. Well done. I thought Jade was a bit flat. She looks good, though.
James up last! He's getting to hang around with Labyrinth. Is David Bowie there? James always looks like he's got lovely curly mascara on. I miss his old Deirdre Barlow glasses. They have saddled him with Sweet Dreams. No one wants to do Annie Lennox. There's weird satanic cult stuff going on; don't tell the West Memphis police department. He is doing this quite well; Marylin Manson style. Best performance of the night IMO. The flappy arm is out again. And the teeth! I love the fact he won't let them do his teeth. He's looking a bit chubby this week. I still would. He's sexy. He's worth 17,000 of Jahmene. I like the way he's always so dour. He's like Aiden Grimshaw but just a bit less pretty.
PS. This just in from my friend on Facebook of Sir Gary Barlow: 'I know someone who went to school with him and she said he was an absolute cretin and a weirdo and no one would talk to him and he would just make mixtapes all day.' What was on the mixtapes? Someone call up Xtra Factor and find out!
OMFG. What has Nicole come as? She looks like a Yeti. I think I preferred her prostitute/dominatrix look that was on the Daily Mail website earlier this week.Gary didn't look too impressed when Nicole waved her arse in his face. Mind you, not much impresses Gary. He's worse than Shania Twain or Sheryl Crow or whoever sings that shit. I think Louis should have come in full Count Dracula regalia with blood dripping from his gob. It would suit him.
Lucy's not well and can't sing? It's not like she really SINGS anyway. That is a shame though, as I do like seeing what she does each week.
Kye's up first, singing Robbie Williams' Let Me Entertain You. LOL, Gary was jealous when this song came out. Tragic. Imagine how low you'd have to be to be jealous of that frog-faced talentless fuck Robbie Williams. I'd rather be fat Gary Barlow, on my uppers and smoking a spliff than that rubbery egotistical bag of shit. I hate Robbie Williams more than anyone on the planet, and that includes Chris Brown.
Robbie looks washed up, but then he's looked washed up for about 15 years now. Anyway, what's Let me entertain you got to do with Halloween, apart from Robbie having the face of a fright mask? I think Kye might have slashed rubber trousers on. He kind of did a Harry Hill ending but not quite. He's definitely got his Kyeliner on tonight. 'Louis' little hand tapping away' is not an image any of us want in our heads.
Are you buying all these girls screaming for Union J-cloth? Me neither. Union J have come over a bit R-Pattz... wooden and chalky white. Another song I've never heard. This is what happens when you get old. I think I'm starting to fancy the gay one. The Barry Styles one makes me feel a bit Jimmy Savile. It's not right for a grown woman to fancy that one.
Tulisa's styling isn't right for her as usual. They always do her too old looking. She's a young woman! I'm almost wishing for the straw yellow hair again. Gary is disappearing behind a wall of dry ice. Not permanently, sadly. It would be good to deep freeze him, though. Then accidentally switch the plug off.
Ooh Rylan's on early. You can see his ginger beard regrowth. I like Robbie liking Rylan just to wind Gary up. I see Lucy was well enough to party at Rylan's party. I like Rylan white blonde! He should go back to blonde.
Toxic is a good song choice! Even Gary's smiling. He looks good, I like his styling. Oh not another medley. LOL to him waving his crotch in Gary's face. Gary's getting all the crotch action tonight. Gary loved it! That was very enjoyable. Louis: 'you remind me of a young Jean Paul Gautier.' Hilarious. Just brilliant.
Ella looks cool when she just styles herself. I like the way she has her hair and the clothes she wears. Robbie: I was a muppet at 16.' Er... who's gonna tell him?
I like Ella's vampire garb. Is she singing Evanescence? Crikey! That's almost alternative. I fucking hate them, obviously. She sounds a bit... flat? Oh just shut up, you're only 16. Ella will be in the final 3, doesn't matter what she does. Nicole is right, it was in the wrong key. The normal key is nails down a blackboard.
What's Christopher coming as, a pumpkin? He'll have to tone down his make-up a bit, boom boom. He's got his coat on. I'm surprised he hasn't got a sparkler in the go. Someone's shining a torch at him. Not sure why. Tulisa looks grim-faced. I'll say one thing; it's a lot better than last week, much less cheesy. LOL, another Harry Hill ending! He's making them his own.
I think Gary needs to get a restraining order against Nicole, she's like a drunk aunt at a wedding (sorry, that cliche is more overused than...) Louis: 'you remind me of Tony Christie.' Fucking hell, Louis, change the record.
OMG to Gary's comment about Tulisa's 'fag ash breath' - that is well below the belt! Really horrible man. Totally uncalled for. I hope says sorry after the break. People going 'oh he owned her' or whatever are so off, because to 'own' someone you need some class and humour; neither of which he has. I'll take fag ash breath over humourless cunt breath any day.
UGH The Other Boy Band are doing STING dressed up like the rapists of Clockwork Orange. That's double sexual terrorism right there.
Tulisa looks like she's been crying. I'd be struggling to keep my composure after than onslaught. Gary should have more respect for himself than humiliating a woman on TV like that, what a prize prick.
Jahmene has been hanging out with Samuel L Jackson. Well, that's pretty cool. Beats hanging out with Daniel Craig. I wonder if he got a free Kangol hat to take home. Is there a greater film on earth than Snakes on a Plane?
Jahmene is singing Killing Me Softly. I hate it when people change the pronouns in songs, just leave it as 'his', not her! It's so dumb. Morrissey wouldn't approve. Wouldn't want anyone to think little Jahmene was gay, would we? *snigger*. This song is no good without Wyclef on it. And it's shit with him on it. I don't rate Jahmene and if he wins it will be the most boring thing on the planet. Vocal acrobatics can fuck off.
I quite like Jade doing the Sugababes. Is it the Sugababes? Oh, she did the school run again. Well done. I thought Jade was a bit flat. She looks good, though.
James up last! He's getting to hang around with Labyrinth. Is David Bowie there? James always looks like he's got lovely curly mascara on. I miss his old Deirdre Barlow glasses. They have saddled him with Sweet Dreams. No one wants to do Annie Lennox. There's weird satanic cult stuff going on; don't tell the West Memphis police department. He is doing this quite well; Marylin Manson style. Best performance of the night IMO. The flappy arm is out again. And the teeth! I love the fact he won't let them do his teeth. He's looking a bit chubby this week. I still would. He's sexy. He's worth 17,000 of Jahmene. I like the way he's always so dour. He's like Aiden Grimshaw but just a bit less pretty.
PS. This just in from my friend on Facebook of Sir Gary Barlow: 'I know someone who went to school with him and she said he was an absolute cretin and a weirdo and no one would talk to him and he would just make mixtapes all day.' What was on the mixtapes? Someone call up Xtra Factor and find out!
Friday, 23 December 2011
X Factor USA: Just one last word.
Thought I better blog this as I didn't even bother to blog the UK X Factor results. It must be a big night as Steve's got a dickie bow on. That's certainly adding a sense of gravitas to the evening.
God, looking at the final 12, what a shower of uselessness. I quite liked that Glee rip-off group who went the first week. Lakota Rain or whatever they're called should be drowned in a bag. I'd like to see the petulant Drew and the precocious Rachel Crowe never again, please. Astro has more talent in his little arrogant finger than all of them put together, and he's a little tosser.
Paula's talking turkey as usual. God, I really hope that Melanie Amaro doesn't win. She just rubs me up the wrong way. Oh they're doing festive numbers first. Great. All I Want for Christmas is You is a good one, though.
Everything that comes out of Steve Jones's mouth sounds laced with insincerity. I mean, it's obvious Dermot doesn't like pop music, but at least he sounds warm to the acts after they sing.
Chris is just about getting away with singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Uh. Yeah. Uh huh. Aw, Chris's messages from his family were sweet. He could win on goodwill and a killer sob story alone.
I've been supporting Josh all the way through but his song choices lately have been quite duff. He's got the voice, but I'm finding him quite boring. Does he have the X Factor? Also his tears didn't look as sincere as Chris's. I think he had to force them out!
Justin Beiber makes me want to quite a Morrissey lyric: 'when will you die? When will you die? When will you die?' Luckily I'm watching this about an hour behind so I don't have to listen to this turkey. Oh, fuck off Drew. Your attitude absolutely stunk and I'm glad you got the boot.
Oh no, Chris Rene in third place! Boo. Josh better win, now. I can't stand to see Melanie win it. Probably didn't help that Chris's mentor LA said Melanie did a 50 million dollar performance last night. Uh oh, Steve's losing control of his contestants. Pull it together, boyo.
Leona's on. Why isn't she doing Nine Inch Nails? Why is she always covering indie songs, anyway? She definitely sings Run better that Gary Lightbody. I can't even write the name 'Gary Lightbody' without laughing. He's the only man in pop that makes Chris Martin look well groomed.
Simon's face when Paula is prattling on is hilarious, it's like he's humouring some old dear.
50 Cent is championing women's rights as usual, I see. I bet he's got a big sign with his name on like that in his house. But as my mum said once, hasn't he got lovely teeth? LOL, can't believe he's still rolling out 'it's yer birthday'- why isn't he singing the line about giving you some X if you're into taking drugs? Huh? Astro is out-rapping 50 Cent. Shame.
Something bad has happened. I've caught up with my recording and now I'm having to watch Neo and Pitbull and I'm quite upset about it. Luckily, I'm about to drink some champagne, which should take the edge off. Got any 'X' going spare, Fiddy? Let's make this a proper on-Puff-Daddy's-boat affair.
Where's the winner's single? Aren't they going to do a sing off? They're doing a duet of Heroes. Please tell me David Bowie isn't going to get involved. LOL the doors opened behind them but no one was there. Maybe he got tied up at the Goblin City. That was an anti-climax and a half.
Melanie got it! That's a shame, she has got a good voice, but she doesn't do it for me. It was quite rude the way she just ignored Steve at the end, too.That's the final nail in his coffin, anyway. 'Just one last word, Melanie.... just one last word.' It's the new 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges.'
Is this the winner's song? No one knows, cos no one's told us! Well done, suckers.
I really hate this song. I'm going to get drunk. Ta-ra! See you on the next plane home, Steve. I hear Take it or Leave It is looking for a new host. If not, Toby Anstis probably needs a break from TV Scrabble.
God, looking at the final 12, what a shower of uselessness. I quite liked that Glee rip-off group who went the first week. Lakota Rain or whatever they're called should be drowned in a bag. I'd like to see the petulant Drew and the precocious Rachel Crowe never again, please. Astro has more talent in his little arrogant finger than all of them put together, and he's a little tosser.
Paula's talking turkey as usual. God, I really hope that Melanie Amaro doesn't win. She just rubs me up the wrong way. Oh they're doing festive numbers first. Great. All I Want for Christmas is You is a good one, though.
Everything that comes out of Steve Jones's mouth sounds laced with insincerity. I mean, it's obvious Dermot doesn't like pop music, but at least he sounds warm to the acts after they sing.
Chris is just about getting away with singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Uh. Yeah. Uh huh. Aw, Chris's messages from his family were sweet. He could win on goodwill and a killer sob story alone.
I've been supporting Josh all the way through but his song choices lately have been quite duff. He's got the voice, but I'm finding him quite boring. Does he have the X Factor? Also his tears didn't look as sincere as Chris's. I think he had to force them out!
Justin Beiber makes me want to quite a Morrissey lyric: 'when will you die? When will you die? When will you die?' Luckily I'm watching this about an hour behind so I don't have to listen to this turkey. Oh, fuck off Drew. Your attitude absolutely stunk and I'm glad you got the boot.
Oh no, Chris Rene in third place! Boo. Josh better win, now. I can't stand to see Melanie win it. Probably didn't help that Chris's mentor LA said Melanie did a 50 million dollar performance last night. Uh oh, Steve's losing control of his contestants. Pull it together, boyo.
Leona's on. Why isn't she doing Nine Inch Nails? Why is she always covering indie songs, anyway? She definitely sings Run better that Gary Lightbody. I can't even write the name 'Gary Lightbody' without laughing. He's the only man in pop that makes Chris Martin look well groomed.
Simon's face when Paula is prattling on is hilarious, it's like he's humouring some old dear.
50 Cent is championing women's rights as usual, I see. I bet he's got a big sign with his name on like that in his house. But as my mum said once, hasn't he got lovely teeth? LOL, can't believe he's still rolling out 'it's yer birthday'- why isn't he singing the line about giving you some X if you're into taking drugs? Huh? Astro is out-rapping 50 Cent. Shame.
Something bad has happened. I've caught up with my recording and now I'm having to watch Neo and Pitbull and I'm quite upset about it. Luckily, I'm about to drink some champagne, which should take the edge off. Got any 'X' going spare, Fiddy? Let's make this a proper on-Puff-Daddy's-boat affair.
Where's the winner's single? Aren't they going to do a sing off? They're doing a duet of Heroes. Please tell me David Bowie isn't going to get involved. LOL the doors opened behind them but no one was there. Maybe he got tied up at the Goblin City. That was an anti-climax and a half.
Melanie got it! That's a shame, she has got a good voice, but she doesn't do it for me. It was quite rude the way she just ignored Steve at the end, too.That's the final nail in his coffin, anyway. 'Just one last word, Melanie.... just one last word.' It's the new 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges.'
Is this the winner's song? No one knows, cos no one's told us! Well done, suckers.
I really hate this song. I'm going to get drunk. Ta-ra! See you on the next plane home, Steve. I hear Take it or Leave It is looking for a new host. If not, Toby Anstis probably needs a break from TV Scrabble.
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