That's a proper recap of last week's events! It's like something out of 24. So it's guilty pleasures week - at last Christopher will be in his element. Are we every going to see the back if his enormous orange moon-face?
I liked Dermot's Hammer Time intro. We also like it when he says 'your Saturday night starts here' as it feels like a FACT, even if you've started watching it two hours late like me. My night is just beginning! Dermot says so. There's a takeaway on the way, too.
If I was singing on 'Guilty Pleasures' week I think I'd do Abba, The Winner Takes it All. Or Like a Prayer by Madonna.
Isn't it cute how Union J's names all start with G or J? Hopefully they'll get more votes now those dress-up rapists have gone. Talking of sexism, I also don't like a pre-pubescent boy use phrases such as 'screaming like a girl.'
As much as I'm loathe to admit it, 'Call me maybe' is SO fucking catchy. 'Before you came into my life I missed you so bad' as lyrics are almost Morrissey-esque. I don't like their suits, they look like they're going for a job interview at a bank. My boyfriend said this was their 'en vogue' moment. Not sure I was feeling it myself. The cute/gay one in their band is so head and shoulders above the others in terms of vocal ability it's becoming embarrassing. It was a lazy production moves-wise, I think, Nicole was right.
I thought Ella's performance was dire. You can't reimagine 'You are one that you want'. My boyfriend said she can sing this at John Travolta's funeral. The Scientologists will have her lynched. No want wants an Angkor Wat version of a song off Grease. Did Gary really just say that was her best performance ever? Been on the wine again, Baz? I hate 99% of all slowed-down versions of songs, primarily because you can't sing along to them.
STOP SAYING ELLA IS ONLY 16. I don't CARE!
How can James Arthur top the wub wubs? I thought this was his duffest performance of all. He should have done a rap. Tulisa felt like she was 'down Camden with the cool kids.' Have you been down Camden lately? It's a dump. LOL to GB saying he wants James to win over Christopher there. Nice! Loyalty fail.
I want someone to 'reimagine' the Birdie Song or Snooker Loopy. LOL to Ed Balls tweeting Tulisa to tell her what's what about Call Me Maybe. Yeah eat that, Tulisa. Call Me Maybe rocks.
I have loved Rylan ever since he told the story of a fox mugging him for his wallet on the Xtra Factor and I will love him for 1,000 years more. What is Rylan going to do for guilty pleasures? Every week it's a guilty pleasure.
Rylan looks great! I like his flashing trousers. He seems vaguely in tune. Rylan always does a medley! I thought that was his best performance yet. He does own that stage and his singing was good. He murdered the Spice Girls last week, he was much better this week, what is Tulisa on?
Gary Barlow's comments are JUST PLAIN WRONG. Rylan has improved over time. I liked Rylan's comeback about wanting to mime. Not that he wants to sing better, just that he wants to be able to be autotuned and miming asap. It's genius.
Rylan's quip about Gary being fat was just brilliant. He's got comic timing you just can't learn. You got zinged, Gary! Hilarious, and then he tried to run away on the treadmill, it's almost Frank Spencer-like. Rylan was born to be a star, I'd kill to see him in Celeb BB this year. I'd just love to be his mate, really.
Christopher Maloney, we are getting a little bit tired of hearing your voice. I do like this song. Is that a giant him with laser beams coming out of his eyes behind him? Fucking hell, one looming orange face was enough! He's actually doing this quite well, but enough alreadyz.
I do feel a bit guilty about the mean things I've said about Jahmene, as I heard his brother committed suicide, so I think that abuse by their dad must have been pretty hardcore. This still doesn't make him a popstar. Jahmene is doing a dreary slowed down version of Don't leave me this way. No, really, do. Louis: 'you have got it all'. Except a personality. Tulisa's comments were nice to him. He does need his confidence building. Hard to get that back when it's been beaten out of you.
So basically Rylan was the best act tonight by about 300 miles. Get your baby out, give it your mobile and vote. Fuck the cancer risk.