The X Factor - Love and heartbreak

The flash vote is shit! Bring back deadlock, dumbasses.
Ugh, this prison officer loves football. So she's a control freak and a misogynist. Notice she mentioned football before her husband as the great love of her life. She looked cute in her wedding pics: must be hard work in those prisons! Surprise, surprise she's singing some boring arse song that you'd rather punch yourself in the face than listen to. I wish they'd make them just do new songs FFS. I'm tired of hearing fucking Whitney, Mariah and all that bollocks. Half the time you could be watching an X Factor from five years ago. My only hope is that as she's on first, people won't vote for her. I'm sure my mum loves her, I'm sure yours does, I personally think she's a boring, plate-faced personality void. No offence, ha! Even Nicole is saying she doesn't like it. Jam-honesty! Louis is pretending like he thought of the 'Screw-bo' joke. He didn't.
Dear God, even Kingsland Road like football?! I thought they were meant to be hipsters. This song is pure cheese. I wish they'd be a bit edgier. And if you believe that all of them are straight - clue, the black one definitely isn't - then you must be mad. I'd say up to three of them are probably gay. The dance routine was fucking awful. Them winking and leering was gross. The only thing that was OK was their singing.
I pretty much missed Nicholas's performance as I find that song so dreary and I was ranting about something on FB. So I missed Sharon's paedo comments. Oh well.
Abi's funereal version of Can't Get You Out of My Head was profoundly depressing. Is there a song on the planet that this bitch won't ruin? Everything about her annoys me; the budget specs, her boring personality and sub-indie schmindy ick music she does. I thought Sharon gave her some great advice. My advice would be, try spending more than £100 on your glasses. It's a worthwhile investment.
I like James Arthur in the audience all awkward. He was someone worth championing last year.
Oh Christ, Shelley is singing Single Ladies, probably one of the most offensive songs on the planet. That lyric 'if you like it then you should have put a ring on it' is both a disservice and insult to women everywhere. But what can you expect from a woman who's main interest in life seems to be seeing how many species she can endanger with her revolting husband? This song is a crime against women. Needless to say, Shelley is no Beyonce. But at least she's not Illuminati.
Oh so Miss Dynamix can't sing because the pregnant one is ill. This will give the misogyny brigade some more grist for their mill. 'She should be at home, waa waa waa'. Shut up.
I wish Sam Callaghan would take a walk... I don't mind where, could be into a canal, or just off a cliff, not bothered, really. He has the charisma of a potato. He has a face like a potato. Except I like potatoes. He just sounded like he was on the loo for the high bit. I don't think he's going to go the distance, I really don't.
I like Tamera. I just don't like this song. But I do think she could win it - she has a talent and stage presence the others don't have. I wish they wouldn't keep changing her look each week, I liked her blonde.
So Luke has been put in a boat this week. When's the water coming to make him fuck off? I'd like to see him and his pathetic hair bobbing off into the distance. Things I know about him: hair. mum. It's not enough to be a popstar, kiddo! You just haven't earned it yet baby. He's got a hanky hanging out of his back pocket. Apparently this means you're gay, and you're saying what type of gay sex you like. I'll leave you to fill in those gaps. I will say that he did appear to be able to carry a tune tonight, which is more than I can say for previous weeks.
Rough Copy have gone a bit cheeseball this week, too. Some interesting clothing going on there, too. I like them, but hope they don't get too watered down. I liked one of them whipping the mic off Dermy.
This backstage bit with Caroline Flack is just boring padding and filler. She's better than this!
If I never have to hear anyone sing 'Beautiful' again, I'd appreciate it. I like Hannah, though. She looks cool and she seems lovely, and she sang with passion. Aw, her comments were cute at the end.
Are Kingsland Road really in the bottom two? What a load of shit. Neither of those groups should be in the bottom two. Hmm. Bad buzz. Bring back deadlock!

The X Factor - the results

I don't think I'm going to be blogging a lot of these results shows. I've just got this feeling that I'm not going to get into X Factor this year. Get Lucky isn't really helping; hearing the original is enough to make me want to vomit. What's with the gyrating?! Make it stop. Bring back the Dermot trouser talk - it's less gratuitous.
Oh God, now we've got to put up with Ellie Goulding and her enormous moon face singing about something insignificant. Did the world request another Sharleen Spiteri when my back was turned? This song is just what I expected; a big pile of nothing. Who are her fans? Really? Even her thighs on show are unexciting. This is music for people who find Ed Sheeran a bit edgy. And she probably got her career bankrolled by her daddy, just like that hobbit.
No deadlock! WTF. Deadlock is the best bit of the results show. That sucks. I wonder why they've got rid of that. Probably because Louis kept fucking it up. That's going to remove quite a bit of suspense, actually.
Cher is on next. No, not Cher Lloyd, 'if I could turn back time' Cher.
The 'flash vote' actually ruins some of the suspense of tonight, too, because we already know one of the people on the block. Why are they meddling with all the suspense?! Leave that suspense where it is. Didn't they also tell us last night that it would be two people in Sharon's group going home, or did I dream that?
So Lorna and Shelley are in the bottom two. I feel sorry for Lorna, I like her! I wish it had been Luke.
I think the problem with Shelley is they've feathered her fringe a bit, and it looked better blunt. No wonder it's knocked her confidence: no one wants a wispy fringe. What's she wearing? Looks like she's going for a job interview. I guess she might be later.
Did Sharon just forget Lorna's name, or was she pausing for dramatic effect? Lorna also has 'work trousers' on, unflattering ones. Lorna is better than Shelley. Case closed.
Why is Sharon drinking out of a teacup, who does she think she is, Lady Gaga? She's abstaining from voting. She's becoming so affected, I've forgotten what her real personality is.
What the fuck! Did they really send Lorna home? She blew Shelley AWAY. I honestly can't believe that. I'm shocked. I thought Louis was just hamming it up when he voted for Shelley. Also, Lorna got more votes than Shelley, shouldn't that be taken into consideration by the judges, what the public want? Boo. Not sure I'm going to carry on blogging X Factor. I don't really care, and I'm not sure anyone else does. Huff!

The X Factor - 80s night

Why, hello there. Oh, God, it's 80s night. I hate the 80s. The only band I like from the 80s are The Smiths and I can't see someone busting out Panic tonight. I'll be happy to take that back if they do.
Is it just me or is Dermot looking a little tired? Maybe he's just getting old, or he's tired of life, or he's tired of X Factor. More likely he's just tired of bouncing from foot to foot like the world's oldest schoolboy.
Sharon Osbourne walked out like she was someone with a walking stick on Jeremy Kyle, pretending they're disabled to get benefits. She's also dressing like an old dear, now, too.
Are they all pointing at Dermot's willy? Is that normal? It's a family show, etc. What sort of person looks at people's crotches anyway? It's creepy!
Hannah's on first: the shit spot. Best sing up, girl. I like her blue eyeshadow and that building behind her. I do not like her outfit. That skirt is vile. I also do not like this song. The only pop song I like from the 80s is Freedom by Wham. Oh, and I like Like a Prayer, but I think that was 90s. I thought that was quite a lacklustre start to the show, to be honest. Her performance was stiff and the song was crap.
I like Nicholas. I do not like Spandau Ballet. I do not like the fact I had to look up how to spell it. And I thought he sounded a bit flat in places. Is Nicole coming onto a fifteen year old? I think she is. Wow.
One of Miss Dynamix is pregnant. The way people were going on about it, you'd think she was disabled. Women have babies and jobs. Get over it. As for their performance, I thought it was a bit flat and their dance moves were a bit 'Jedward', ie. all over the shop. I do like them, though, so I hope they survive.
I really couldn't be less interested in this prison screw. Get your teeth fixed. Power ballads! Somebody shoot me. This episode has been boring as fuck so far. This Sam guy has a squashed face like he's run into a wall. His voice is drowning in backing vocals.
Kingsland Road have at least been entertaining, and appear to be able to sing. I think the 80s suits them - I mean, just look at their normal clothes. I think they could go quite a long way. It's like the X Factor's first hipster boyband.
I kind of missed Shelley as I was rummaging in a cupboard for things to sell on ebay. But I got the general gist.
The inspid Abi is doing Bon Jovi on the piano. Fuck off.
I like Lorna, but I have a feeling people won't vote for her because they're always pushing prison woman instead. Tamera is really good but I don't like this song.
Luke's up next. Does this dude have ANYTHING other than dirty hair. Looking like Worzel Gummage is NOT a route to becoming a popstar. He's singing out of tune as well.
Much as I like her, this bit with Caroline Flack is completely pointless. Isn't this drivel what Xtra Factor is for?
I like Rough Copy but I'm not feeling Phil Collins, to be honest. Nicole seems to think it was shamazing. I think Kingsland were the best of the lot tonight.
Oh, now there's some twist. Oh they're gonna choose the bottom two now. It's two of the overs! Well. Not really a shock.
Considering what a long show that was, this is quite a short blog. I don't know much, but I know that's not a good sign.

The X Factor: Judges 'Ouses (You're welcome edition)

I've wised up tonight and started watching this half an hour late. Bye bye ads!
The groups are going to New York. The girls are going to Antigua. Gary could be bothered to turn up, Nicole couldn't. Gary's got Olly Murs helping him. I miss Olly on the Xtra Factor, and I can't even stand him, but he's MILES funnier that this so-called comedian they've got on. I don't like the new format of Xtra Factor at all, which is a shame as I like Caroline Flack. I think she's very naturally funny (unlike her comedian co-host, ironically). I still Rylan would have been great on Xtra Factor. I do like him on BOTS but I think he would have been even better on Xtra Factor and got less Flack (soz).
Kingsland have been renamed Kingsland Road. Dear Lord, look what they're wearing! I think Queensland might have been more appropriate. One has braces and shorts on. He looks like a small man who would come out of a cuckoo clock. Two others look like they're dressed out of the school lost property box. They're definitely going to go through - I think they could go a long way.
Gary is doing his concentrating face watching this next group, the unfortunately named Brick City. He said they were his favourite so no doubt they're going to do crap. They've 'reimagined' Around the World by Lisa Stansfield. One has ankle high green socks on, and the lady of the group is wearing her dressing gown. Yep, as predicted, 'not much chemistry'. Groups like this with a mixture of boys and girls never get through. They don't have a clear audience.
Nearly all the groups and a god chunk of the girls are black. That makes a change. They'll probably squeeze as many white people through as possible, but there's even a black guy in Kingsland Road (I feel like a twerp even writing that band name). Who knew Gary was so all inclusive? No black people in Take That, were there!
I quite like Rough Copy. One of them always wears a dress and I think they can both sing. I can't remember the other one who had 'visa issues'. I like the fact that they didn't give Dermot the full hug either. Take that, Dermot (sorry).
I don't remember seeing Xyra ever before, so I don;t think that bodes well for them. They've 'reimagined' one and only Phil Collins classic 'In the Air Tonight' so now it doesn't have a tune. Interesting.
Code 4 have also lost a member. Why don't they call themselves Code 3 then! It's like Five all over again. NEVER have a number in your band name, or your Big Brother alliance. Any fool knows that. They are too cheesy for me. The way they ended that song made me want to puke. Olly: 'They gave 110%.' Should have kept the 10% back.
Have they seriously called this new group Miss Dynamix? How do Miss Dynamite and Little Mix feel about this? They are super cute. The blondish one sounds posh! I like the red haired one's voice. It's kind of husky. They are like the black Little Mix but better looking. They have to go through. I want them, Kingsland and Rough Copy to go through myself.
Now for the girls. The girls are the best category by a mile. Nicole Scherzinger is being an annoying show off. Nicole has got Mary J Bilge. At least she has a career, I suppose. She's a different class to Olly Murs but I find her somewhat impenetrable.
Wow, it looks beautiful where they are! Can I go on holiday there?
I like Tamera. I think she's really talented. I like it when people catch their breath between notes. I did prefer her blonde hair, though. Fucking hell, Scherzinger or Blige could have given her a cuddle when she was crying! Cold.
I like Jade! I love her voice and I love her look. I love the fact she has her arms out. She looks so cool compared to how she did when she was on it before. Just goes to show how changing your image can make you look like a completely different person. You can be a big girl and work it in a really individual way or you can be skinny and insipid (Melanie).
Ugh I can't stand this 'quirky' Abi girl. She's not even any good. I could name 500 real indie singers who are better than her. Her voice isn't even as good as toyboy tiger Diana Vickers.
I miss Relley's Cruella Deville hair! I like her, she's lovely. She was really fighting for it. Damn, I like too many of the girls! Nicole has a hard choice.  
Melanie bores the shit out of me. She's such a drip. I really hope she doesn't go through. Oh God, not 'this is my last chance' again. Push her off the pier. I do like that song she sang, and I do think she had a good voice, but I can't connect with her. Mary J seems quite emotional today.
Hannah is up next. I like the way she talks and she looks cool. 'I want to be in places like this'. I don't blame her, it looks like paradise there. Look at that water!
She made Nicole cry so that's a good sign. Ooh, Mary hugged her! That's a good sign, too. 'You're welcome'. So you've said.
I think I want Tamera, Jade and Hannah to go through. But I really like Relley, too. I can't decide! The girls are on a different PLANET to the boys and the overs. It's shame we can't have 5 girls and 1 over. It's criminal to let some of these go for prison officer woman, for example.
OK, so now we find out who Gary's putting through. First up is rag tag brood Kingsland (Road). Well, we know they're going through. Honestly, their clothes clash worse than mine. Charity shop eek.
'What about now, what about today, what about something... something...' Simon Cowell really likes this song, have you noticed? So WHAT about now? What? We'll never know. Oh, Kingsland got through.
Yay, Rough Copy got through! I'm glad, there's something likeable about them. Aw, Gary said he's going to try and get the other one back! That's so lovely! I hope that happens. Aw, sweet. That one crying was so lush. I want to cuddle them.
Hmm, will it be Brick City or Miss Dynamix? Seen as Gary put Miss Dynamix together, and Brick City seemed to be named after a bad session in the lav, the writing appears to be on the (toilet) wall.
I like the blonde one in Miss Dynamix's make up. She reminds me of Tamera! Gary put the three groups through I wanted! Who'd have thunk it?
I wish Abi would shut up about lacking confidence. You're on telly, you must be fairly confident. 'I can't get a no, I can't.' I hope you do.
I love the bow in Jade's hair! Oh no, Nicole dumped her again. That sucks! She BETTER NOT put Abi through instead. I'm going to flip. I don't like this bit where you can't tell who they're talking to. Oh no, Relley got dumped, too. Boo! Nicole is not choosing the people I want. I can't believe she chose Abi out of those three. She was dire. Also: should have worn waterproof mascara. I honestly can't see people picking up the phone for her. I really can't.
Tamera has the most amazing lips! She keeps going on about the bad things she did, I think it was smoking weed, wasn't it? Big deal. All this Nicole hasn't made up her mind bullshit doesn't wash with me. She knows exactly that she's taking Tamera through. It's all actressing!
Put Hannah through! Please don't put dopey Melanie through over her. Hannah has got heart. Melanie is as vacuous as a Disney princess. At least Nicole made the right decision there picking Hannah. I wish she'd put Jade through, though! Grr. It's cruel bringing people back and back and rejecting them again. Like the chairs. No Rylan theatrics this year, more's the pity. Ooh, she mentioned him! Do you think Nicole still talks to Rylan? He says she does, but come on.
Oh God, not this telling the families rigmarole again. I wonder how many people switch off at this point. I'm always amazed how big people's families are. There'd be like two or three people there for me, and only one would be a relation. I'd just get a shrug and a sausage in batter off my mum, my boyfriend and my best mate.
That was cute when Rough Copy were reuinited. I'm such a soppy sod! I need to get a grip. See you at the live shows. Not literally. I'll be sat on my couch as usual. Your weekend ends here.

The X Factor - Judges 'Ouses

Hello, and welcome to judge's 'ouses (always to be said in the style of Rylan Clark). Louis kicked off two of the boys I liked last week and instead picked posh Giles and some fat people. The musical-chairs-of-doom twist was unforgivable, and reassures me that the judges have neither nor soul or ethics. Here's your dream! Oh, no, give it to someone else. Sick fucks.
The girls category seems super strong; I think any of them could go through. As usual the oldies and the groups are a lame duck.
I know everyone hates Sharon, but I like her and her little dog, and she's more than a vast improvement on fun-vacuum drug-fixer Tulisa. 'Oh I don't do drugs, I just arrange for other people to get them.' That must be the most stupid thing I've ever heard, and I've seen her cousin Dappy on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
How Sharon has the gall to say the words 'the most incredible performer and writer' and then cart out the disgusting Robbie Williams is beyond me. He is the most gross, overrated, ugly, revolting piece of shit on the planet, with no redeeming features. I can't even look at him. He makes Gary Barlow look like he has the charm of Aaron Paul.
First up is the dowdy prison officer, giving it all the 'as a mother' bullshit. Spare me. She's so overrated. Her voice is not pleasant to listen to. I'm tired of Whitney. The standard on the US X Factor blows us out of the water. It really does. I've been really enjoying it!
Lorna is cute and has a nice voice. I think she deserves to go through. I bet you they put dowdy prison officer through over her, though. They always make the wrong decisions.
This next woman is 34? I am 33! She looks old enough to be my mother. I thought her audition was piss poor. It's a shame as I like her. I love her hair.
Another one going on about being a mother. And singing Coldplay. Double misery.
Fucking hell, this next one (Andrea) has bought a flute. She's yelping through High and Dry. Jesus, she just squeaked like when you tread on your cat's tail at the end.
This Joseph guy is an entitled prick, and is useless. I can't stand him! The way he was acting during musical fuck-you chairs was pathetic last week. Blah blah I'm broke, blah blah my son, that doesn't entitle you to be a popstar! He bummed a bunch of notes there. He's not even average, he's BELOW average. Pitiful.
Louis has brought someone from Westlife, someone from All Saints... and Sinitta. OK then. Which Appleton is this, Liam Gallagher's ex? All Saints are possibly the most boring girl band that ever existed.
First up from the boys is not-quite-committed-to-his-dreads, thingymebob. I'm so glad I'm too old to go out with boys who wear skinny jeans.
Next up is Sam who has a smug face. Take your bracelets off and grow up. It seemed like he was struggling to me, although he was better than the first one.
Ad chat: Oh Eminem. What has become of you?
Next up is Paul, who replaced the one I liked last week. This guy is the best one yet and he's still meh.
LOL to posh little twonk Giles singing 'You're Beautiful.' Get rid!
Ryan is another fat kid so no doubt there'll be some patronising 'which fat one will they put through' dramatics later. He was crap, too.
I like this one the best who sang 'a thousand years' last week. Why does he look like he's got a permanent black eye? Now someone's going to tell me it's some condition and I'm going to feel guilty. He looks he should be in Eden Lake, terrorising some middle-class people. I really hope they put him through, he's the only one I like. He's moved Barry from Westlife to tears.
OK, here we go. Not in the least bit surprised that as-a-mother-prison-warden got through. Hope they put Lorna through out of the next three. Oh, she is. Thank God. Those other two weren't good enough.
I hope they put the blonde fringey woman through over this knobhead going on as if he's the only man to have ever had a child on the planet. Yes. Sharon made the right choices.
Ad chat: Olly Murs makes me feel sick.
Lol Louis just said 'it's not good news... it's great news!' My boyfriend likes it when they say that. I don't care if Giles or fake dreadlocks or ruddy faced Ryan gets through. I only care about Nicholas! Sorry, Ryan, your left your job for nothing. Bad luck.
Ah, posh Giles got ditched. Boo woo. That means dready is through. I must admit, I prefer him out of the three. Louis's already trying to get him to wash his hair. He'll probably have a skinhead next week.
Oh, yes Louis put Nicholas through. Both fat ones got sent home! Discrimination! I actually think Louis made the right choices. Odd.
Ad chat: Gok. Get to fuck.
Oh now we have to watch them tell their families. Can't we watch the ones who went home and told their families they didn't get through? That would be more interesting. LOL, they ARE showing that, too. Hilarious. But THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Imagine having to be filmed telling your family you've not made it. That's horrid! I'd rather send them an email or something. Even that guy's MUM was entitled! When he said Sharon didn't put him through she goes 'you're joking'. No. He isn't.
Lorna was drinking from the bottle... good on her.
Is this over yet? I'm hungry. Too many adverts. And I don't like Xtra Factor anymore. I want something grim and gritty to watch after this. Ooh, I know, The Killing (US). I like Robocop dude.
See you tomorrow!

X Factor: The final

So obviously I've still been watching X Factor, even though it's fairly turgid (as is the US version). I like Marcus, Little Mix and Amelia. I don't like Kelly Rowland, Gary Barlow, or Tulisa.
I don't know who I want to win, really. Little Mix are fun and Amelia has the best voice, but I've always liked Marcus, too, although the songs they keep making him do are interminable. It makes it a bit boring when you don't really care who wins, I want a Rhydian character to despise and hiss at.
I know one thing, Dermot seems to be having a lot more fun on the UK one than Steve 'crab eyes' Jones ever does o'er the sea.
I'd be a bit disappointed to find out I was duetting with Kelly Rowland and not, say, Lady Gaga or whoever they usually have on.
How many times tonight are we going to hear 'it would be great for a girl group to win it' and 'Amelia is the comeback kid'.
Does it favour Marcus if they all sing a Take That song at the start? It looks like they haven't bothered doing Amelia's hair.
Gary Barlow has been the particular bugbear of the series, pissing all over everything with his dour, pinched little face and a voice Jordan would consider monotone. Oh, look at Gary winning over Marcus's gran. I'll just forget about all the dirty tricks he's pulled this season, such as calling Amelia 'shouty' when she's a much better singer than Marcus.
Marcus sounds out of tune doing Outkast. At least he's doing something different, I suppose, but I've hated every song he's done since 'Smooth Like Jagger' and I only like that because it makes me laugh. Stop going 'woo', Marcus. I feel like I'm watching CDUK.
I'm thrillled that little runt Jeff Brazier isn't doing the outside broadcasts this year. I don't like Olly Murs, but I think Caroline Flack is good, she's quite natural.
When Tulisa goes 'it's my little muffins, little mix' it makes me cringe. Little Mix visited four people's home towns, so that's four times the votes, right? Little fix, lol!
Little Mix sang loads better than Marcus. I thought they were quite entertaining. I think I'd quite like to see them win it. They're like Manga girls.
I bet Kelly Rowland has never been in a house as small as Amelia's. She probably keeps her dog in a similar square-footage.
I wish Amelia would stop wearing that baby pink coat with her baby pink hair. Enough with the baby pink!
Oh, god, now she's come out in a vile baby pink dress! I think the stylist is in cahoots with Gary Barlow. I hate this song so much. Little Mix FTW, it's decided. She should have done a good power ballad.
Every time I see JLS I always think about that one going 'merry Christmas' which they took the mick out of on TV Burp. JLS outsung One Direction by a mile. My boyfriend says the One Direction lyrics sound like a 'paedo trying to court a four year old'. Mash up! Those two songs go together like Pat Sharpe and tact.
Marcus's baby pictures were cute. What's this song him and GBar are signing? Turgid times! Should have done Flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood. It's not exactly Matt Cardie trying to hump Rhianna, is it? I honestly think Marcus has blown it.
Tulisa looks like a grandma up there with Little Mix. Her outfit is all wrong, she looks like Cruella. I think it was a bit too po-faced. I think they should have gone a bit more fluffy - they should have sung the Spice Girls or something.
Kelly's song choices are so, so, so out of touch. I wouldn't be in the slightest bit surprised if Amelia went home tonight. All those duets were whack, actually.
Why is Leona Lewis singing Nine Inch Nails? She should do 'I want to fuck you like an animal' instead. 'I want to feel you from the inside out.. you bring me close to God' etc. Every song Leona Lewis covers is the same from Run to this, it's just one big build up, just a big vocal show-off. She's got the voice though. But can she write a song? Hair-watch: I prefered hers curly.
Buble! The flukiest man in pop. How did he get so famous, all does is covers. And he's looking a bit porky. I do like him though! Not his music, but he seems like someone you could take home to meet your mum.
WTF is the point in saying 'good luck to everyone'? You might as well say 'good luck to none of you!'
Amelia is gone. It feels like the right result in a way. I kind of think Marcus is going to win. He seems hugely popular. Amelia took it well - I suppose she's used to it!
The cutest final two ever! They look like they should be made into dolls and given away with Happy meals. Marcus is the same height as Little Mix, too.
I just want to mention Steve 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges' Jones once more before I go. Simon must look at Dermot's easy charm and gran-friendly humour and weep. See you tomorrow.

The National Television Awards 2011

Why the fuck am I watching this, you ask? And do you want the honest answer? I'm bored. I miss my boyfriend (who works nights). I live for 2.30am every Friday night when I finally get to see him, and every week is just drudge in between at the moment. I am so stressed from work and so tired, but I can't get to sleep, so I can't even get away from myself, and I'm surviving on like four hours sleep a night. So that's why I'm watching this. I'm basically delirious.
I thought the show started well, with a strangely compelling duet between Stacey Solomon and Shaun Ryder. Stacey was my favourite when she was on the X Factor, it's a shame she's not singing for a living when plate-faced Matt Cardie is.
In other awards ceremony news, I watched the British Comedy Awards the other night, and there were a few good lols, it was quite bitchy, and I liked the joke Jonathan Ross made about Russell Howard's sleepy eye. I have a little soft spot for Russell Howard since Christmas when my mum made me watch his show.
Anyway. Back to the (anti) matter at hand. I don't mind Dermot; he knows what he's doing. Ah, there's Peter Andre. The cameraman missed a trick not cutting to his face when Dermot alluded to the 'J' word. Anyhoo, must retain that dignified silence.
Holly Willobobo looks massssive. She must be ready to drop. I like her womanly ways.
The notion that I'm a Celebrity is a better programme in any way shape or form than Big Brother is baffling. But then look what channel this show is on.
Eh-heh, Fatboy is up for best newcomer! Double LOL, he won it! And he did clicky fingers thing when he won. Dis rass! And he's going out with that Sugababe. You did good, Arthur.
Something just happened but I don't know what it was cos I fast-forwarded it. At least Shameless didn't win best drama, if I have to look at Tina Malone's face ever again it'll upset my tummy all inside.
OMFG is Peter Andre's the Next Chapter really up for an award? You might as well put my flip videos up for an award- the fridge raider episode was just sublime. Tossers.
Anyone who watched Glee should be struck blind. And deaf. I went off The Inbetweeners, too, TBH. I am such a sour puss.
It's not natural to see Phil Mitchell in a suit smiling and waving at the camera. I hope his crack odyssey wins him an award. That was the shortest drug addiction of all time. Three episodes and it was done. He should go into drugs counselling. Ew, do they have to show that clip of him with snot on his face? Ha, they all look so embarrassed when they show the clips.
Oh god, Louis Spence. Just go back in your box already, you little prat. And don't come out ever AGAIN.
Can't believe Stacey won, what a load of shit! Phil has been in Eastenders for about 20 years, FFS. Lacey didn't seem to speak in 'real life' like Stacey. Mind-boggling. I wonder what Phil would have said in his speech. WE SHALL NEVER KNOW.
Hope Dermot wins best presenter. Ant and Dec get on my last nerve. I think Paul O' Grady is good, too, I like his personality, he's not afraid to stir up a bit of shit. His show is rub, though.
Aw to Davina still crying at clips of Big Brother. I know, Davina. I miss it, too.
Ant and Dec won. Dec is looking more like Brian Dowling by the minute. And the less said about Ant's sixhead, the better. It's getting more like a octohead, and it's putting me off my dins. Simon's speech for them was good. Poor Dermy.
Something about sport. Fast forward. This Morning beat Loose Women, obv. But Jeremy Kyle is the goblin king of daytime. Incidentally, I looked at the Jeremy Kyle Show's Twitter account today and it said 'if you're a mother who's younger than her daughter, get in touch.' WTF? Yeah, get in touch and call the Guinness Book of Records.
Bored as I am, I'm getting really fucking tired of this show. I think I'm gonna hang up my washing then go play on my Xbox. Take that, Dermot.
Ugh, Anne Widdecombe isn't helping matters. I try to avoid personal attacks, but the only think uglier than her face are her views. Yeah you're a virgin because it's a choice. No, it's because no one would touch you with a bargepole, you old bag.
Who or what is Benedict Cumberpatch? It sounds SHIT.
Stephen Fry looks fat again. Too much Twitter. Oh god, a Bruce Forsyth eulogy. Save me. Aw his speech was quite cute actually! Look at his lovely wife. Oh, God, I've gone soft. Quick, fetch my medication.
I don't know much, but I do know that Eastenders isn't a patch on Corrie. If Emmerdale is five, and Eastenders is six, then CORRIE IS SEVEN! Enders aint no good. And especially not right now. (n.b I don't watch Emmerdale, I'm not insane, although I admit, I did see this clip at Christmas with my mum). Hollyoaks! Oh come on, now.
LOL to David Platt shaking his head in disgust when Eastenders won! Even if it's just high-jinks, it's mega funny. David Platt owns you, Eastenders! Ha, I'm not sure it is for the lols, he looks annoyed. That could just be the babydramas though.
Oh, Zainab, I'm not sure you're quite right for that dress, ducks. Why are the homophobic Masoods doing this speech? Get Phil to do it, you arseholes!
Corrie, it should have been you, oh, it should have been you, everybody knows, everybody SAYS SO.
Oh well, at least no one mentioned the dead baby elephant in the room. G'night.

The X Factor: The Final(s)

This blog is seriously tardy but I was away for the weekend (seeing Placebo! Blog to follow) and am just watching the X Factor now. Through serious willpower and switching off my phone I have avoided the result entirely! Go me. Although I almost got caught out first thing with a glimpse of The Wright Stuff but switched it off just in time!
I did catch Saturday's show late on Saturday night and was unsurprised to see Stacey well and truly jibbed. On first, and given Michael Buble, who's name I can barely spell, whilst Olly was given Robbie Williams, and 'my little popstar' got George Michael. Stacey was the fall girl, and she knew it, I think. The less said about Olly's version of Superstition the better. Plus his sixhead looks like it's going into battle with Ant McPartlin's.
So now I don't really care who wins as I don't like either. Olly wants to win so bad, the desperation is rolling off him. Send him back to the call centre. Little Joe shows little emotion either way, he's just beyond boring.
It pisses me off when they sing a song they've sung before in the final, it's so cheap. You're supposed to be in training to be a popstar! Simon said 'Olly's giving not 112% but 150%'. Well I always minus points for anything over 100, so in actual fact he's only giving 50%. It's just not good enough.
Twist and Shout is such a dreadful song. I just don't get it. Louis described Olly as 'bubbly'. So that's why his shirts are so tight.
What are these awful songs they are singing? I feel like I'm at a really shit musical. Last night wasn't much better either.
Aw Alexandra and JLS! Last year was better. Leona is good, too. We've had the dregs this year.
So who have they made the song suit so that person is bound to win? Let's find out.
Mountains! I can move, move, move any mountain! Strings. Choir. Fireworks! Are you crying yet? Olly is; so vote. (Oh, it was a day ago)
Ok I want Olly to win now. He did sing the end of that song well. Plus I'm sick of the Joe support.
Christ they are dragging this fucker out and I've fast forwarded half of it.
George Michael! Didn't say much to Dermy. Paul McCartney! I'd rather watch Heather Mills on Dancing on Ice. Unless he's going to do the Frog Chorus with Jedward I don't wanna know.
Oh Dermot get out from Macca's bum-hole. It's cringeworthy. He's just a sad old man in a wig.
I want to see the rampant home crowds after their pick has lost. Now that would be funny. Watch them cry!
I liked Joe's reaction when he won, he looked like he was going to pass out. Olly was a gracious loser, too.
Even so. If Jedward aren't richer/ more successful than Joe in 3 years time I'd be surprised. Bring on Celeb Big Brother!

The X Factor: Semi Final

Disclaimer: I'm a bit hungover so I think this is going to be a bit of a mean blog. Sorry contestants.
They are gonna give it 150%! Just watch them. Oh are we still bigging up Michael Jackson? Zzzz. Is he mentoring from beyong the grave via Derek Acorah? Him and his songs and his 'legacy' and his family can just go bury themselves, as far as I'm concerned. The ongoing hysteria is unedifying, let him rest, and let me not have to hear about him, please.
Hearing them going on about their 'dream' and not wanting to go back to the day job is just getting boring now. Olly looked and sounded awful; his sixhead looked enormous tonight. Going 'woo!' in a song is unforgivable, I don't care if it's MJ week.
I had to fast forwards Joe for reasons of taste and decency. It's just boring as fuck. But do you know what? I have faith that the British public will support an underdog over this bland little robot.
I thought Stacey seemed nervous. Her 'dancing' wasn't good and it affected her voice. Great; are we going to have an all (dull) boy final? Oh dear; Dannii pulled out the 'infected teeth' defence. This doesn't bode well.
I thought Danyl was the best of the lot vocally. *awaits barbed comment from Cheryl* Omg, she stood up. Perhaps she had a wedgie.
2nd song. Olly's song was awful; you can tell Simon chose it. His dancing is beyond rubbish. I think he could be vulnerable this week. I'd rather see him go than Stacey.
I know the song Joe sung that Simon said no one knew. Wish I didn't though.
The second song Stacey sang was dire, whatever they said. Again Danyl was the best, but the fireworks and everything smacked of desperation a bit. God I feel so grumpy about X Factor today. I apologise. Bring back Lloyd. (Not really)

The X Factor: The Zzz factor

Sorry I've been neglectful of my blog this week; there just doesn't seem to be that much good on telly. I'm a Celebrity is virtually unwatchable. They killed Owen in Enders. And now Jedward is out of the X Factor, can it be any good? I don't love any of the contestants in it. I like Stacey, and that's about it.
Theme: Take That and Elton John. When will it be Placebo week? (Never). I hope someone does a Million Love Songs, that's my fave. But just don't let it be Lloyd. Danyl on first! Is it his turn to go?
God I HATE Cheryl Cole. Why is she so sour? I know she married an idiot, but don't take it out on us, you hard-faced cow.
It was nice to see Danyl dancing around. I thought he did well, and I thought he looked kinda sexy. Don't stick the knife in, Dannii. Cheryl said he was 'camp.' Would she say that to Joe, or Lloyd?
Haha, Cheryl pulled 'little popstar' out to describe Lloyd again! How much does she get paid for just repeating the same old trot? It's useless. Oh christ, it IS Lloyd doing Million Love Songs. Boo.
What is Olly wearing? He looks like a pudgy baby in a jumpsuit. Sang OK though, except for the hideous cheesiness of it all.
Urgh, Joe. Can we ever get rid of him? I'm pining for Jedward.
I thought Stacey was really good, and I hate that Take That song. That girl can sing.
Now for the Elton John tyranny. This show is too long. Lloyd; awful. Danyl sung in the wrong key. Still; I'm glad he got good comments.
Olly; are those bikini-clad women strictly necessary? Joe was Joe. Please don't let him win. Stacey didn't do as well on the second song.
I'm finding it hard to care this week. Will blog something good in the week instead.

The X Factor: Jedward; I know it's over.

So George Michael couldn't be bothered to get out of his car and come to the studio; probably too busy having a bifta at home. I like some George Michael songs, namely Freedom (by Wham) and Praying for Time, neither of which were sung by our contestants last night.
Jedward looked sharp, Danyl sounded a bit off, Stacey did a song I'd never heard George sing in my life, Olly did the worst George Michael song of all time (Fast Love) and when Joe 'my little popstar' did the best performance of the night, it is deeply upsetting. I forgot to mention Lloyd? As he was on first, let's hope the voters did, too. That's clearly what the producers are hoping.
My mum told me Cheryl is having an affair with Joe! Joe! What magazine has she been reading? Disturbing News Monthly? World's Biggest Lies?
So they've dug up the Boyle. Yeah I get it, ugly person can sing. Next! (mind you, I always feel a bit nervous when they get her to speak, which is quite diverting)
Ah, now it's Maria cuntbag Carey. GIVE HER THE KITTENS! Give her the doves. Then punch her smug fucking face. Is she miming?! What is that effect on her voice? It sounds like it's been through the fairylight mixer. My god, she sounded like a struggling dolphin at the end. Fetch me some tuna!
FUCK! Is it the end of 'young kids love them' Jedward (again!) How can this be? SOB! Get rid of Olly!
Damn the people booing Jedward as they stand in one place singing that shitty Boyzone song out of tune. Jedward are lush. Aw it was like kids singing at your door at Christmas! *pets them*
Why is Olly singing in a faux american accent? Get lost, Olly. This song sucks.
Dannii 'is it a singing competition?' No, it's a entertainment programme! Shame no one was listening to her.
In the words of Emmy the Great (almost): Farewell to (J)ed, for (J)ed is dead. BOO. Fuck you, world. PS: Olly, your popularity is on the wane, big time. You broke our favourite toy. :-(

The X Factor: 2 birds, one blog

Round up, round up.
Queen night! Well I guess Brian May's diary is free as long as the 5ive reunion isn't scheduled any time soon. Hey ho, I'm sure it's what Freddie would have wanted.
Well Jedward had already shouted their way through We Will Rock You a couple of weeks ago so that was their obvious choice gone. I was certain they were going to do Radio Gaga but the Vanilla Ice schtick was inspired. They genuinely have got better; and they make me laugh a lot. Stacey and them are the only acts I really look forward to. Jamie is turgid; Danyl is desperate, Joe is just plain shit. Olly ('I punch like a girl'= I'm a sexist) I can take or leave. My boyfriend reckons there's something sinister behind his broken fingers, I wouldn't like to speculate.
I don't think Simon should have apologised for saving Jedward; I don't he should apologise for anything, except having Cheryl as a judge. Modelling the Croydon facelift last night, she looked every inch the council-estate crony she is, and not like the Nation's Princess (tm).
Calvin 'I like all the girls' Harris! Officially less famous than Jedward and dissed by Louis. Ouch. Well it wasn't exactly Jarvis storming MJ at the Brits, was it?
The medley on the results show is hot with embarrassment. I'm always expecting them to sell me a car like on American Idol. Ah, there's Brian May. 5ive still aint come knocking.
Brian May likes 'the girl'. Yeah, she has a name. Does he call his wife 'the perm'?
Shakira: underneath your clothes, there's an endless story. I get her confused with Anastasia. Miming! My Little Phoney. Shakira's advice to contestants: 'Intelligent effort'! Well, it's better than Whitney gawping at the floor for crack crumbs, I guess.
Charity single! I'm still expecting them to sell me a car. Is this song by the people's paedo really suitable to raise money for kids? Now we really DO need the stage invasion from Jarvis/ Calvin/ a lone gunman. Where's Jedward? Ah they got four words. Don't fuck it up!
Ah an advert for Queen's greatest hits! What a pleasant coincidence.
When Joe went through my boyfriend said 'who's he?' which I think sums it up, really. Bit worried Jedward are vulnerable this week. Can't see Simon sticking his neck out again. I want Lloyd to go! Yay, Jedward are safe! Phew. Bye bye Lloyd.
Did Dannii get her My Little Pony hair off Shakira? Neigh! Where did Jamie get those trousers from? I like The Show Must Go On but he murders everything he does. Plus did we need more Freddie? Hasn't he been through enough tonight? Jamie did seem self-assured to me, though, and it's not surprising up against a singer than makes you pine for Eggnog Quiggles. Oh, it should have been Ethan.
Louis has so got it in for Jamie, he's such an arsehole. Jamie is clearly a better singer than Lloyd. Pathetic. Simon looked suitably startled. Thought Jamie took it very well- I think he realised that releasing a Leona-style pop single probably wasn't for him.
Jedward lives. Kill Lloyd. End.

The X Factor (and Xtra factor!): In Brief

I did watch the X factor live last night but was a bit tired to blog. I thought Stacey was good and was annoyed by Simon's comment that she was 'vulnerable', she was sexy and her voice sounded really nice. Olly has a good voice and was lumbered with a bad song. Danyl was on form; I'm sick of that sour-faced Cheryl Cole digging him out. Lucy seems to have been put in a 'teemo' category, and it doesn't suit her because it's not her natural style. And what was with the Stacey impression? That shit is catching. Lloyd needs to go home- tonight. And why do the judges rave about Jamie and Joe? I thought they were both flat. Jedward were genius, obviously. Ghostbusters? Inspired.
Why DO the contestants wear the same clothes on the friday and saturday show? Can't they afford another set? Credit crunch.
Black Eyed Peas! Made Jedward look credible. Can you think of a worst band on the planet? I can't. Is there an UGLIER band on the planet? I doubt it. Thank fuck for fast forward.
Leona is pretty good, isn't she? I mean it's not my thing but she's got a hell of a voice on her. Mind out for those loopy fans, Leona- wear a helmet!
I'm actually pretty shocked Jedward were in the bottom two. I thought they had millions of fans?! It will suck if they go, and I can't see how they can survive with the judges voting. Boo! Don't think Lucie should be in the bottom though, either. Her sing-off song was crap, though.
Oh christ, John and Edwards sing off-song was Rock DJ, the worst song of all time. Watching them bobbing about for their little lives was quite sad.
I felt quite nervous when they were deciding! Didn't think Simon would take it to deadlock, LOL! Hope he saved Jedward. Haha, he did! Poor Lucie.
Danni said 'it should never have happened!' Hehehe! Jedz on the Xtra Factor 'what's a backlash?' You're about to find out.

The X Factor: Rock Week (and results!)

I'm doing the main show and the results in one hit as I am only just catching up now. So if I'm irrelevant, I apologise.
Rock week sounds hopeful. What are we going to have, Placebo, the Killers? No, Katie Perry.
What has Cheryl got on her boobs? Looks like a couple of hubcaps.
Little Joe, my little popstar, you get on my wick. Oh they've put him in a leather jacket. He's not exactly Ozzy Osbourne, is he? No idea what that song was, but it wasn't rock, in my opinion.
I prefer Cheryl with her hair up. Her big hair gets on my nerves.
Lucie looked good as a rock chick, like a more bearable Mel C. I quite liked her performance.
Aw Danyl is fucking up his song because no one likes him! The nation is bi-phobic! The bisexual community needs to get behind him. But his fucking up DID seem very stage managed. I wouldn't be surprised if Simon told him to force a tear out. I like Danyl. He looked very handsome this week. He can sing. Cheryl is a bitch for sticking it to him when he's down either way. Simon, you can't say someone is 'undoubtedly probably' the best singer in the competition, those things cancel each other out.
Katy Perry is not rock!!! It's cock, but not rock. Lloyd can't sing. Get rid. I've done better than that at karaoke. And shouldn't he change the lyrics to 'I kissed a guy'? Damn straights.
Stacey's doing Somewhere Only We Know! Keane's one good song! She's murdering it. That song is fun to sing, I used to have it on Singstar. She sounds out of time with the music. Her dancing is duff. I don't think she can concentrate on two things at once, if you know what I mean (she's thick). Louis said the song is boring. Wrong! That song is lush. Can't believe the judges thought that was OK.
Argh Jamie doing Get Your Rocks off. I notice they took 'whores keep whoring and junkies keep scoring' out of it. That's not very rock n roll. Get Your Rocks Off requires no ability to sing whatsoever. Please let me never hear it again. Louis is right. Kerrang does not endorse X Factor rock!
I like Rachel and (whisper it) I like that U2 song. Fuck what have they done to her hair? They've Danniified it! Bring back the mohawk. I don't think it's wise to change her image each week, as it makes it harder to identify with her for the casual viewer. Imagine if they shaved the twins heads?
The Jedward quiffs are getting massive! They are like Sampson. It's quite a neat trick to get them to sing that Queen song, as it has no tune. They didn't look very sexy this week though, which is a shame as I think them in eyeliner as a theory works well.
I hate the Beatles, but I thought Olly's voice sounded good. Thus ends Saturday's show.
And now tonight's show! I'm X-Factored out already, and this is with no adverts, and no Xtra factor! I hope Lloyd or Jamie go tonight.
John Bon Jovi! Is he made of plastic? He's not ageing, is he? Bon Jovi were the first band I ever saw live. Milton Keynes bowl! Good times. Lighters aloft.
JLS on a giant picnic table! I'd scream if any of them were the slightest bit good-looking. Aston Merrygold indeed. He looks 6.
An advert for Bon Jovi! What a coincidence (!) Lloyd and Rachel in the bottom two. Hope Lloyd goes.
I hate the way Cheryl acts so hard done by when it's one of hers; she's a manipulative shrew. Don't gvie Lloyd your sympathy vote! Send him back to his mummy!
Deadlock! Rachel's out. Shame. She looks defeated. Racist Britain strikes again. Hold your head up high girl, go get your mohawk and your mojo back.

The X Factor: Eating a sandwich whilst swimming

It's sunday, so time for me to sit in bed in my nightie catching up on last night's caterwauling- hurrah!
Oh, it's Big Band night. Urgh. Is there anyone on the planet who thinks 'great- big band week!'. I don't have much to say about Olly or Lloyd, except the song was too low for Lloyd. Even if it was Brian Molko doing big band week I'd hate it. It's just against sanity.
Christ that rap by Miss Frank was AWFUL. I liked the red lipstick though. The judges always say the exact opposite of what I think.
Bring back Rachel's quiff! I can't believe Rachel is 18. She looks 30! Did someone put something in her drink, she was so loopy afterwards. I think I preferred her sulky with the quiff.
Is INXS big band? Er, no. Oh, it's U2. Same thing.
Dermot has said 'in your comfort zone' about 30 times so far tonight. It reminds me of the second time that I followed you home...
Stacey did sound out of tune, but who cares? You can't kick her out, it's like drowning a kitten.
I thought Danyl was pretty good- the best so far.
Please get rid of 'little' Joe. I'd rather watch mould grow on my windowsill. I like Lucie though.
John and Edward: still can't sing. Nice balloons. I don't think Ricky Martin is big band, either. I must admit, I did contemplate the John and Edward threesome for the first time tonight, but couldn't take it seriously.
Quite lacklustre tonight. We need a pop or rock week, or one where they choose their own songs.

The X Factor: Slow motion suicide

I'm enjoying my Saturday nights now, and catching up with X Factor on Sunday afternoon, with no fear of finding out the result. Nice one, Simon.
Christ, where did they dig Whitney Houston up from? Annoying back in the day, and even more annoying now we're expected to forget about the ten year crack-fest. Grr!
And with Louis at Stephen Gately's funeral, the show is looking shakier than ever. Will he have just one single group to come back to? It makes you realise that it's all a load of old rubbish, really. RIP Stephen, and C-U-N-T Jan Moir (yeah, I think everything has been said on that subject already).
Diva week seems a bit unfair on some of the blokes, doesn't it?
Why is Whitney hanging out with Frank Butcher? Why is Simon Cowell bigging up Frank Butcher? 'The most legendary person in music ever...' Frank Butcher? WTF? This a farce! He's not even the best car-lot owner.
I thought Lucie looked good, and she did well to sing such a lightweight song when she probably wanted to do a belter. Thought Cheryl was a bit cruel to her. Cheryl's acts are a load of balls and she's definitely on the defensive. The bigger the hair, the worse the attitude.
I like Dannii's La Foux-style hair. Dannii does seem cooler this year. Is all it takes a haircut? Cheryl, take note.
The song Olly sang was awful but there's just something inherently likeable about him. He can sing, too and he's a bit different.
Christ, they've made the pretty, scraggy-haired black one from Miss Frank very blonde! I like Miss Frank. They are kind of mismatched and came together by accident and there's something good about that, serendipitous. I like the little curvy one, too. Fuck you, Simon. Keep Miss Frank in! He was particularly harsh considering Louis isn't even there to defend them.
I like Rachel's fuschia lipstick! Rachel is super-cool. They made her up like a clown last week and I don't think it helped. Oh dear, they've gone a bit overboard on the blusher again. I agree with Simon's comments- Dannii is getting Rachel's styling/ personality a bit wrong. Nice jacket, though. Does Beyonce have any songs that aren't sexist against either men or women?
I hate Joe, and I hate 'Where do Broken Hearts Go'. Fuck off. I don't get why they all love him so much, he's fucking rubbish from start to finish. Go to your room!
I like Danyl, and I think Cheryl is just being a bi-phobic bint. And yes, I'm still pissed off about Ethan. Oh, he did sound a bit off during that, though. These songs bore the crap out of me. I'm losing the will. How can anyone watch this show live with the adverts too, I'd be self harming by this point?
If I hear Cheryl Cole say 'little popstar' one more time I might punch myself in the face in protest. Lloyd: zzzz. He reminds me of Eoghan Quigg. He sounded flat too.
Simon, control yourself! he 'fell in love with' Olly, and described Lloyd as 'cute'. Hmm.
Cheryl squeezed out some tears to save her little popstar! Sweet (vomit).
Fucking hell, John and Edward were even worse than last week! Even I can sing better than that. What a pair of tools. WTF was that bit in the middle where they did some Titanic ad lib? Fuck a duck. Keep them in! This is amazingly ridiculous.
Oh I forgot about this last guy who did Respect (I wonder why?). Get rid! Oh and Jamie Afro too. I'm flagging badly now. This song is dreadful.
I'm not sure even Stacey can perk me up right now. Oh dear, Cheryl said 'little popstar' again. *breaks own nose*
God, could Simon get his tongue out of Whitney's jacksee? And as for Frank Butcher. Send him back to Pat/ Peggy/ Janine.

New: X Factor results show

Gately is dead, no Louis but the show must go on, because ching ching, there's cash to made. So they've made it like American Idol and made them sing a really shit song at the start to make us all cringe. 'Tonight's going to be a good night' was perhaps not that suitable an opening song in light of a tragic death, but there you go. Dermot'll give us a cud and make it all better.
I kind of hope the twins don't go out a bit, because watching them dig their own hole is quite funny.
Ah, this is the reason for the 2nd live show! More voting, more money for Cowell's coffers.
Alexandra Burke; not just as good as Leona Lewis. Nice try though, love. Her hair looks good, so that's the main thing. Hold on, is she miming? Surely not!
Haha, Dannii had to apologise for her bi-bashing last night! Don't diss the bi's Dannii, they are a much maligned minority. It cant be easy for them, all that choice.
Robbie William's 'performance' was like watching a knackered old car-horn that had grown an ego farting round a stage for five minutes. Awful. He looked a bit 'twinkly eyed' to me as well. Sniff!
Haha, that's funny they put John and Edward through first. LOL! More rubbishness to come. I reckon it might be Kandy Rain at the bottom.
Christ, look at Rachel's blusher! The make-up artist really hates her. Fuck, she better not be in the bottom two. Shit, she is.
All women in the bottom two, and a black woman at that. Good old GBP.
At least they sing a different song, I couldn't suffer through those same ones again.
Aw Rachel looks crushed. This isn't fair. I thought both performances were quite good. At least they gave Louis a vote by proxy.
OMG deadlock! Those racy clothes paid off after all. I'm glad it went to the viewers vote. I'm glad Rachel stayed too, although I thought Kandy Rain were good. That's sexism for you.
I can tell X Factor is going to go badly this year from the championing of Jamie and John. Zzzzzz. I'd rather watch Dating in the Dark.

The X Factor: 1st Live Show (without Ethan!)

Gawd, watching Saturday night's X factor on a Sunday is a tyranny; can't leave the house and get a paper in case I see the results. Oh hold on, the results are tomorrow now! Fuck this, I'm going out to get a sausage sandwich.
(disclaimer, I still think splitting it into two shows is utterly unnecessary.)
Wow that sandwich was good. I'm ready to bitch. Yes, I'm still mega smarting about Ethan and Daniel Fox. I reckon Simon would have chosen them. Cheryl needs to change her taste in men (in more than one area).
Hmm, they've put Rachel on first, not that pleased about that. She's brilliant so hope she doesn't crack under pressure! Oh fuck, Robbie Williams. WHY? He looks about 50. He makes me feel sick to my stomach. I could write 5000 words on why I hate Robbie Williams. If I could have him airbrushed from the planet, I would. Or machine-gunned even.
'Let me entertain you' doesn't have a tune, so Rachel was at a disadvantage from the start. Too much make up, too shreiky, too many 'wooos'! Too much dancing. Oh dear. Simon: 'I have mis-underestimated you.' Ahem.
Kandy Rain aka the Pussykat Trolls. Nah not really, I just wanted to do a Sun-style pun. They're good, good-looking and they can sing. A lot of leg boob on show though; why should men get to ogle when I don't get to perve over Ethan? Not fair.
Fuck off Cheryl; I've seen Girls Aloud wearing equally slutty (I'm using this word for men and women) things, and you're meant to comment on their voices, not their clothes. I hate Cheryl, she's being sexist; you can wear sexy things once you're established? This is bigger bullshit than Beyonce and her Sasha 'character'. They can wear what they fucking want, but it's not like they chose those clothes, the stylists did! Stick your demure up your old rotten fanny, Cheryl.
Next up is Deal or No Deal fella, Olly. He sang a Robbie Williams song, and sounded exactly like Robbie Williams. What's the point?
Ricky has basically stolen Ethan's spot as far as I'm concerned. Take your flat-cap and shove it up your arse. His voice sounded quite feminie singing Amy Winehouse but maybe that's just because of the song. I didn't mind it actually. *pines for Ethan*
I like Stacey, she's so dopey! She's like a comedy character. WOW, she was really fucking good! That actually moved me (I do like a bit of a cry-up to Coldplay). She can really sing. Dannii has got the strongest category by a MILE.
I like Miss Frank! I like the fact they came together by accident. They are a bit loud, but they're cool. And they're cute.
I found Jamie a bit tedious. Simon said that was the best thing he's seen so far? Shoulda gone to Specsavers.
Lloyd 'my little popstar tm.'; another dull foetus I have to look at instead of Ethan. Great, he can't sing high notes. Fuck off, then! Yuck, he's doing 'cry me, cry me!' I hate Timberlake almost as much as Williams (but not quite). I don't think this kid's voice is any cop whatsoever. To quote Courtney 'oh just shut up, you're only 16'.
Shit, I just saw on Strike Gently that Stephen Gately was dead (I was asleep for most of yesterday). Nuts. I know of someone who just went to sleep and never woke up, but who knows if there's more to it than that.
I think Lucie is very good. Dannii's category is seriously hot.
Next up is the distinctly non-psychic John and Edward. Oh they're irish! So THAT'S why. Robbie described them as 'endearing'. I think he meant 'arseholes'.
OMG Rock DJ; the worst song EVER EVER EVER written. At least there's barely any singing in it. The pair of them looked utterly embarrassed, and so they should be, the cocky little chancers. They make Same Difference look polished and likeable. Cheryl's backhanded insulting of them was good.
Little Joe whatever he's called doesn't do it for me, and that song was too low for him. I thought it was rubbish.
God this X Factor is sucking the life out of me, and I can fast-forward the adverts. It's too long, and tomorrow too? It's too much.
I like Danyl, but I hate that fucking song more than I hate Robbie Williams- FACT. Dannii outed Danyl as a bi! Hehe. Go on Danyl, squeeze out a tear.
Christ I need a stiff vodka and a lie down after all that.

The X Factor: Final Cut

Saturday night on my own! Quick, start drinking. They keep saying 'it's crunch time' and weirdly, I just opened a giant bar of Crunch chocolate. Nice! I am a female cliche. Ooh Harry Hill's back next week. Score.
Urgh, Ronan 'you nearly got me punched in a fight' Keating. You say it best when you say noth... oh I've definitely done that joke before.
Mmm Ethan. Drool. Urgh, Will Young, the chinny, lisping closet-case-til-just-after-he-won-Pop-Idol. Yeah, I don't like him much.
Simon has Sinitta helping him, who came out covered in leaves. Quick, pop her in the oven. Dannii went slightly more A-list with her sister, who is going for the preserved in formaldehyde look. Lush.
The boyz, the boyz. I can't be fugged with Joe, he looks like a foetus. His voice is quite good, but I can't be bothered with him. The same with Lloyd. It's obviously going to be him or Joe going through, battling for the jail-bait vote. His voice isn't as good.
I like Daniel. He's all emotional and loud. Perhaps Will will give him the gay vote. Ha, Will did like him.
Mm, Ethan. Hot. I could look at him all day long. If he doesn't go through I'll doubt Cheryl's heterosexuality. I like his voice a lot, too! He's the FULL PACKAGE (tm). Them going 'oh he's too good looking' that's not a PROBLEM, dope-bags.
Ooh Duane's voice was quite good as well. Shit. This is quite hard to call. I don't mind Ricky, but I can't be arsed with his cheeky chappie/ hat schtick. So my picks are Daniel, Ethan and Duane.
The groups. Project A. One of them looks like Suffia off BB. I think they're alright, like a hen-night out down Wetherspoons.
Kandy Rain used to be strippers. Well, the name was a giveaway. But at the same time, who cares- what century is it?! Sexist tabloid scum. The little blonde one is cute. I'm going for Project A over them, though, for the 'likeability factor' *shoots self*.
I don't remember ever seeing the appallingly named De-Tour ever before so I guess they aren't going through as they're about as charismatic as Ronan. Oh, scratch that then.
Clamouring for the worst band name is Harmony Hood, a ragtag brood but I kind of like them a bit, like mismatched socks.
Miss Frank are kind of cool, like the Fugababes, you suspect they are just being forced to pretend they like each other. They are good, I liked their performance! They're quirky.
Urgh, the Fylight twins. Get rid. They are shit! Louis, just take them to bed if you fancy them that much, but don't inflict them on us, for fuck's sake. He's DEFINITELY going to put them through.
My pick for the groups are Miss Frank, Project A and Kandy Rain. Which aint gonna happen.
The over 25s... Olly! Deal or No Deal! You gotta love him just for that. He's a bit dull, though.
I like Treyc (yes that is how you spell it). But she's a bit lacklustre, too.
Daniel 'One True Voice' has a mohican now, so we must take him seriously. He has a 'look'. Zzzzz. What, he's got backing singers?! Cheat. He bores me to tears.
Nicole (dead dad 2) I can't stand. She sang that song I hate and I can't get over it. She's too shrieky. I'm not very impressed with this over 25 category.
Oh I do like Danyl. So that's something. Oh and Jamie. I hope they don't only put one of them through. So my picks out of this lot are them and Olly. But Nicole's definitely going through.
And lastly, the girls. The girls are GOOD. Stacey, the people's chav. I like her a lot, actually. She's sweet. Good voice.
Does Kylie have it in her contract that they can't film her up close?
The next Stacey is OK but lacks charisma I think. And her voice is a little shrill. Plus, two Stacey's? I don't think so.
I love, love, love Rachel. I think she's great. She seems like she really NEEDS it, and she's cool, too. I hope she goes through.
I don't remember ever seeing Despina before, so I guess she's not going through. She was a bit shrieky for my liking.
Lucie is excellent. She's super-talented. Nicole is boring. Even her messing it up was boring.
It has to be Stacey the mum, Rachel and Lucie.
Oh it's over. I hate this 'over two nights' thing. It's too much. I can't blog it tomorrow either. BOO!
Over and out.

The X Factor: Boot camp 2

So like everyone else I haven't really been enjoying the X Factor this year, but after them sucking the life out of the audition process, I actually enjoyed last night's boot camp, mainly because there were at least three good singers; Ethan (hot), the bloke who was a contestant on Deal or no Deal and that little mousy girl. So let's watch tonight as they don't get through. Oh my god, I didn't like those twins and their stupid dancing, cocky little cuntrags. I ALSO didn't like that girl doing that dire 'I'm telling you' song. When does shrieking count as singing? If I ever hear that song again, I'm gonna do a Michael Douglas. You have been warned.
I must say Dannii is looking quite sharp this year, I'm liking her hair. Cheryl's hair, on the other hand, ages her massively, and her crumpled forehead oh-its-another-person-I-beat-on-pop-rivals-once expression is getting rather boring. Can't we have a female judge with an opinion, instead of one who likes handbags? Get that bullying Sugababe on instead, at least she'll tell it to people straight.
Oh god, first contestant up tonight was a sub-par Chico (unbelievable that could be, I know.) I like the black girl with the afro.
Kandy Rain sounds like a porn star. And collectively, look a bit like one.
I felt sorry for the one in the pork pie hat who lost his voice, I kind of liked him. It's not his fault that he's ill. I reckon they might put him through, anyway.
Olly is the Deal or No Deal one (he's obviously a fame whore!) Yep, I still back him. He's a cheeky chappie.
I like the big afro dude, I don't think he's trying to hard. Simon can talk about being 'corny'; if any English person except him would ever use such a word.
I thought the chavvy girl was out of tune. But Simon fancies her, so she'll make it.
Oh dear; the bisexual guy did a jazzy Simply Red number. Big mistake!
Deliberations...
Yes sob story, your brother is pulling strings, by getting you this far. Hopefully that's it though. Ah, it was.
Yay Deal or No Deal and big afro guy got through, and that weird blonde guy (Daniel). I'm glad that black girl with the short stripy blonde bit in her hair got through, she was really good. Fuck those little twins though. EVIL!
'For you it's the end... of the bad news.' Cruel! The misspelt Danyl AND Ethan got through! Yay. You can tell they cut it this year so most of the people you got to know got through. The ones going home I hardly recognised.
Oh dear, the group category looks AWFUL. Good luck, Louis. Are you telling me Simon doesn't have a hand in deciding the categories? Please! Personally I think the best category is the girls. Dannii FTW.
PS: Two shows it too many, what with Xtra Factor, too. I feel X Factored out.