So George Michael couldn't be bothered to get out of his car and come to the studio; probably too busy having a bifta at home. I like some George Michael songs, namely Freedom (by Wham) and Praying for Time, neither of which were sung by our contestants last night.
Jedward looked sharp, Danyl sounded a bit off, Stacey did a song I'd never heard George sing in my life, Olly did the worst George Michael song of all time (Fast Love) and when Joe 'my little popstar' did the best performance of the night, it is deeply upsetting. I forgot to mention Lloyd? As he was on first, let's hope the voters did, too. That's clearly what the producers are hoping.
My mum told me Cheryl is having an affair with Joe! Joe! What magazine has she been reading? Disturbing News Monthly? World's Biggest Lies?
So they've dug up the Boyle. Yeah I get it, ugly person can sing. Next! (mind you, I always feel a bit nervous when they get her to speak, which is quite diverting)
Ah, now it's Maria cuntbag Carey. GIVE HER THE KITTENS! Give her the doves. Then punch her smug fucking face. Is she miming?! What is that effect on her voice? It sounds like it's been through the fairylight mixer. My god, she sounded like a struggling dolphin at the end. Fetch me some tuna!
FUCK! Is it the end of 'young kids love them' Jedward (again!) How can this be? SOB! Get rid of Olly!
Damn the people booing Jedward as they stand in one place singing that shitty Boyzone song out of tune. Jedward are lush. Aw it was like kids singing at your door at Christmas! *pets them*
Why is Olly singing in a faux american accent? Get lost, Olly. This song sucks.
Dannii 'is it a singing competition?' No, it's a entertainment programme! Shame no one was listening to her.
In the words of Emmy the Great (almost): Farewell to (J)ed, for (J)ed is dead. BOO. Fuck you, world. PS: Olly, your popularity is on the wane, big time. You broke our favourite toy. :-(