I'm doing the main show and the results in one hit as I am only just catching up now. So if I'm irrelevant, I apologise.
Rock week sounds hopeful. What are we going to have, Placebo, the Killers? No, Katie Perry.
What has Cheryl got on her boobs? Looks like a couple of hubcaps.
Little Joe, my little popstar, you get on my wick. Oh they've put him in a leather jacket. He's not exactly Ozzy Osbourne, is he? No idea what that song was, but it wasn't rock, in my opinion.
I prefer Cheryl with her hair up. Her big hair gets on my nerves.
Lucie looked good as a rock chick, like a more bearable Mel C. I quite liked her performance.
Aw Danyl is fucking up his song because no one likes him! The nation is bi-phobic! The bisexual community needs to get behind him. But his fucking up DID seem very stage managed. I wouldn't be surprised if Simon told him to force a tear out. I like Danyl. He looked very handsome this week. He can sing. Cheryl is a bitch for sticking it to him when he's down either way. Simon, you can't say someone is 'undoubtedly probably' the best singer in the competition, those things cancel each other out.
Katy Perry is not rock!!! It's cock, but not rock. Lloyd can't sing. Get rid. I've done better than that at karaoke. And shouldn't he change the lyrics to 'I kissed a guy'? Damn straights.
Stacey's doing Somewhere Only We Know! Keane's one good song! She's murdering it. That song is fun to sing, I used to have it on Singstar. She sounds out of time with the music. Her dancing is duff. I don't think she can concentrate on two things at once, if you know what I mean (she's thick). Louis said the song is boring. Wrong! That song is lush. Can't believe the judges thought that was OK.
Argh Jamie doing Get Your Rocks off. I notice they took 'whores keep whoring and junkies keep scoring' out of it. That's not very rock n roll. Get Your Rocks Off requires no ability to sing whatsoever. Please let me never hear it again. Louis is right. Kerrang does not endorse X Factor rock!
I like Rachel and (whisper it) I like that U2 song. Fuck what have they done to her hair? They've Danniified it! Bring back the mohawk. I don't think it's wise to change her image each week, as it makes it harder to identify with her for the casual viewer. Imagine if they shaved the twins heads?
The Jedward quiffs are getting massive! They are like Sampson. It's quite a neat trick to get them to sing that Queen song, as it has no tune. They didn't look very sexy this week though, which is a shame as I think them in eyeliner as a theory works well.
I hate the Beatles, but I thought Olly's voice sounded good. Thus ends Saturday's show.
And now tonight's show! I'm X-Factored out already, and this is with no adverts, and no Xtra factor! I hope Lloyd or Jamie go tonight.
John Bon Jovi! Is he made of plastic? He's not ageing, is he? Bon Jovi were the first band I ever saw live. Milton Keynes bowl! Good times. Lighters aloft.
JLS on a giant picnic table! I'd scream if any of them were the slightest bit good-looking. Aston Merrygold indeed. He looks 6.
An advert for Bon Jovi! What a coincidence (!) Lloyd and Rachel in the bottom two. Hope Lloyd goes.
I hate the way Cheryl acts so hard done by when it's one of hers; she's a manipulative shrew. Don't gvie Lloyd your sympathy vote! Send him back to his mummy!
Deadlock! Rachel's out. Shame. She looks defeated. Racist Britain strikes again. Hold your head up high girl, go get your mohawk and your mojo back.