It appears a bit of the show title is missing, as the beginning of that sentence should obviously be, 'Who's your two least favourite faux-indie hangbag-carrying twonks?' If I sit here for a bit longer I could make that joke work, but I can't be bothered, so just laugh already, thanks!
Fearne (not just as good as Holly Willoughby) at least works for a living, even if she does have an obscene amount of revolting handbags, Peaches, well, with that face, she doesn't have so many options.
So Fearne goes to 'shadow' Peaches going about her business (of being a cunt). What is 'unpresidented' access, Fearne? Only you can tell us. She begins by telling us some 'myths' about Peaches; how about the one where anyone on the planet would find her attractive or funny?
Fearne is intensely irritating, from her stupid bowler hat downwards. Peaches talks like twat, because she is a twat. Why does she always sound like she's got a blocked up nose (ahem). She sounds like she'd say 'charity' 'charidee'. Her flat is fairly horrible. Mentions that Peaches is weird (by herself) so far: 1.
I like, this like, that, like... argh! What with Fearne's insincerity and Peaches' desperation to be cool, it's just unbearable. Oh, there's Peaches' cat which my boyfriend thinks is an aardvark. He's not that into nature.
Fearne: 'what do you think of all the haters out there?' She's no David Dimbleby, but in her defence, Nick Griffin is an easier interview than Peaches.
So is that magazine Peaches 'writes' still going? She mentions 'the British public'. Now SHE'S wearing a stupid bowler hat. Peaches says 'ant-eye' instead of 'anti'. That's New York living for you.
Peaches you can fiddle with your hair as much as you want, it will still look like that. Her and her friends were so cool they refused to have any fun. Fearne tried to make them drink some champagne but instead they sat round looking frumpy and describing things as 'intense'. I can't judge Peaches for finding Fearne 'lame', she is lame. But at least she's not pretending to be anything else. Peaches sits twiddling her hair talking about wormholes, and sounds every inch the student who thinks they're the first person to ever listen to The Orb and chat about aliens. But she doesn't want to talk about her 'spirituality and religion'. Forget the wormholes, she's an idiothole.
She's constantly carping on about being 'exhausted' which I reckon is because she's been out off her head all night. But Fearne was being such a dickhead as well, like your mum trying to force you to eat some toast when you're hungover, then gurning to the camera when Peaches (metaphorically) tells her to go fuck herself.
Next Fearne follows Peaches doing some 'modelling'. Peaches is tired and sulking. She makes Kelly Osbourne circa 2001 look like Taylor Swift. Peaches describes herself as 'nuts' and 'weird'.
She then admits to being a a Scientologist. Peaches, we already thought you were a moron, don't wrap it up in a bow for us. If you really believe it's not something to be ashamed of, back up your beliefs! Then she admitted she basically lucky dipped it.
Amount of times Peaches said 'like' in this documentary: 383228198.
54 minutes in and Peaches smiled for the first time. At the end Fearne concluded that maybe it was 'brave' of Peaches to be rude and difficult and to fall asleep when people are trying to interview her.
What I learnt from this show? Peaches is more boring than Peter fucking Andre, like so chronically dull it could be a medical condition. And Fearne is insufferable. And I knew these things already. Bugger.