Tuesday, 17 November 2009

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here (please)

I hate myself for even writing this. I hate this programme, it's like the anti-big brother, like it felched off BB but just took all the worst bits and then added animal cruelty for good measure. But it's still watchable, especially in a barren schedule.
The contestants this year are absolutely pathetic; pawns to Queen Katie of Price. The only one with any spunk so far is Kim 'how clean is your house' Woodbine. I thought Colin and Justin might be OK but I get the feeling they are going to be crawling round Katie just like everyone else, despite the acerbic diary room entries.
I can't stand the tasks (nothing can top Burrell and Gaffney, so why bother?), I'm only interested in the relationships; but there aren't any now, they are all just Jordan's bitches, talking about her, placating her, commenting on her deformed body. And wtf is up with her FACE? It looks simultaneously swollen and frozen, with comedy black eyebrows painted on her immovable forehead like a demonic child created her in an art class. Those teeth are an absolute joke too, they looks like comedy teeth, one size too big and Simon Cowell-white. I can't STAND veneers, they are vile! Embrace the wonky gnashers. Especially as she had perfectly normal teeth before anyway. The sound of her voice drains the life out of me; it makes monotone sound like falsetto.
She came in to 'set the record straight' about Peter Andre? Could another single syllable be uttered about this defunct relationship? She's totally fucking herself, because people started to respect her when she went in the jungle last time, I remember thinking she was quite a hard-arse during those tasks. Now I just think she's a hard-faced cunt. She had a toughness but a beauty about her before; now she's just a bleating kiss-and-tell on wheels, a crass tanorexic in a bad wig. GET OFF MY SCREEN!
There was something tragic about her reminiscing about the man she basically destroyed. She carps on about how she's over it; but I think she's still smarting. The whole jungle thing is just 'look at me'; but there's nothing underneath. And the next person to say she's a 'good businesswoman' should immediately be thrown from a bridge by Ant and Dec. Then throw Ant and Dec.
The boob talk is puerile and predictable. Zzzz. The conversation about farting was just pathetic; apparently women aren't allowed to according to the sexist chef twat. Why is this show always ten times more sexist than Big Brother? Must just be celebrities being out of touch. The editing on Celebrity is always shit too; they have barely shown at least half the people in the camp. I don't knwo who they are, and I'm not even getting a chance to find out! Genius.

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