I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here (please)

I hate myself for even writing this. I hate this programme, it's like the anti-big brother, like it felched off BB but just took all the worst bits and then added animal cruelty for good measure. But it's still watchable, especially in a barren schedule.
The contestants this year are absolutely pathetic; pawns to Queen Katie of Price. The only one with any spunk so far is Kim 'how clean is your house' Woodbine. I thought Colin and Justin might be OK but I get the feeling they are going to be crawling round Katie just like everyone else, despite the acerbic diary room entries.
I can't stand the tasks (nothing can top Burrell and Gaffney, so why bother?), I'm only interested in the relationships; but there aren't any now, they are all just Jordan's bitches, talking about her, placating her, commenting on her deformed body. And wtf is up with her FACE? It looks simultaneously swollen and frozen, with comedy black eyebrows painted on her immovable forehead like a demonic child created her in an art class. Those teeth are an absolute joke too, they looks like comedy teeth, one size too big and Simon Cowell-white. I can't STAND veneers, they are vile! Embrace the wonky gnashers. Especially as she had perfectly normal teeth before anyway. The sound of her voice drains the life out of me; it makes monotone sound like falsetto.
She came in to 'set the record straight' about Peter Andre? Could another single syllable be uttered about this defunct relationship? She's totally fucking herself, because people started to respect her when she went in the jungle last time, I remember thinking she was quite a hard-arse during those tasks. Now I just think she's a hard-faced cunt. She had a toughness but a beauty about her before; now she's just a bleating kiss-and-tell on wheels, a crass tanorexic in a bad wig. GET OFF MY SCREEN!
There was something tragic about her reminiscing about the man she basically destroyed. She carps on about how she's over it; but I think she's still smarting. The whole jungle thing is just 'look at me'; but there's nothing underneath. And the next person to say she's a 'good businesswoman' should immediately be thrown from a bridge by Ant and Dec. Then throw Ant and Dec.
The boob talk is puerile and predictable. Zzzz. The conversation about farting was just pathetic; apparently women aren't allowed to according to the sexist chef twat. Why is this show always ten times more sexist than Big Brother? Must just be celebrities being out of touch. The editing on Celebrity is always shit too; they have barely shown at least half the people in the camp. I don't knwo who they are, and I'm not even getting a chance to find out! Genius.

TV: What Katie Did Next

How did Peter and Jordan split their camera crews? Do you think there's some sort of custody agreement? It's funny that in the midst of their very REAL grief at the end of their marriage they both thought to get the whole damn thing on film, isn't it? Well, not so much funny as sick.
So I watched Peter 'dignified silence' Andre's Going it Alone the other week and it was really, really boring. Brave (t.m.) Pete cries! Look how deep his lyrics are! Look at him allude to some secret horror that ended the marriage! Yeah, whatever. He left her. And he's just as big a cash cow as she is. Both of them would sell their grannies for an OK cover. At least she's not pretending otherwise.
That's not to say I'm defending that frozen-faced harridan; I can't fucking stand her. I never understood all this 'oh she's such a good businesswoman' shit; she's just a bit ruthless and got lucky.
So anyway, onto tonight's PR stunt (I mean, show). Oh Jordan is equally boring when she's not got a husband to emasculate. She's her usual cold, monotone self.
Her going to meet her 'publishers' just makes me sick, frankly. If she's a writer, I'm a mountaineer. Oh, she just went to look at pictures of herself. Hand her the cheque, she's worked hard.
Ooh she made the bookings herself to go on holiday! Well done. And she's flying out with no security! Bold. She aint exactly Madonna, is she?
The holiday itself was mind-numbing in the extreme. Jordan posing, Jordan and her hangers on talking shit. Jordan looking through the tabloids at pictures of herself. Zzzzz.
Then she had her Pete tattoo crossed out. Tasteful. I don't really get that because you can still read it; and her kids might think it's a bit odd. She seemed quite steely doing that.
Then she was acting outraged that the paparazzi asked her to go topless! Tsk, she'd never do that, how dare they. Didn't like her friend telling her what to wear out though. If she wants to look like a creasoted stick insect smuggling two beach balls into a scrap of PVC let her get on with it, I say.God, her veneers look bloody enormous and her black hair is too harsh. I get it, she likes horses, but no need to model herself on one.
Actually, this show was more interminable than Peter's one. Fair enough he laid on the 'doting dad' thing a bit thick, but she laid on the caring mother thing a bit TOO thin.
Bring on the BDSMing cage-fighter, I say.