The Soap Awards 2014

Well, it can't be any worse than the Brit Awards, right?!
So I have been a bit of a failed soap watcher for the past year, but have pulled it back together in recent months. I managed to get 60 episodes behind with Corrie, and solved this by nuking everything following Hayley dying, which was liberating. I hadn't watched Eastenders in two or three years, since it started to insult my intelligence, but was lured back by Danny Dyer, and am now watching regularly again. This is the extent of my soap watching; Emmerdale is for mums, Hollyoaks for kids and Doctors (not even a soap, really) for the unemployed. I will never take up a new soap; the current ones are enough trouble, especially when there are more exciting things to watch. And with that attitude in mind, I'll take you through tonight's Soap Awards!
Weird to see Ken Barlow back in action. Somehow weirder to see Danny Dyer hanging out with this 'orrible mob.
Here are some awards I'd give out: Best Grief Scream - Peter Beale, Character I'd like to see die next - Mary from Corrie, Most Unrealistic Personality Transplant - a tie between Tina and Maria in Corrie. What are the writers on? Character I'd most like to see back - Syed in Eastenders/ Becky in Corrie.
Les Dennis could be enough to stop me watching Corrie; I've not seen him in it yet, thank God but I feel like I'm looking for my excuse to stop. The only character I truly love is Carla, and what they've done to her character is sad. It's not for Carla living in that poky flat, getting pregnant and crying over Peter. Carla is hardcore! I hope she gets her edge back soon. I miss her flock wallpaper and jet black hair. I don't know how one woman could fancy Peter, let alone two like Carla and Tina.
Another male rape in Hollyoaks?! That's like their stock in trade. Gary Lucy's probably still having flashbacks.
Hayley's death was well done, and genuinely upsetting, as was Lucy's death in Eastenders, even though Lucy herself was wholly unlikeable. Who knew Ian and Peter could act? Not me. Ha, Peter looked genuinely huffy when Hayley's death won best episode.
What sort of category is 'most spectacular scene of the year'? And why aren't Nick and David Platt at the awards? Ooh the Hollyoaks blast looked good! My boyfriend has been watching Hollyoaks on the sly, claiming 'it was on at work' and then having in depth knowledge of various characters. It's like when I found out he knew too much about Star Trek; unacceptable.
WTF is going on in Doctors? Is someone having a hallucinogenic Jane Austen-inspired trip?! It's like when Bobbi came out of the fridge in Home and Away. Danny Dyer's scene where his son came out was actually really good and moving. I cried. I cry at most things on telly though. I cried for about a month when Hayley was dying.
Why isn't Danny Dyer up for best newcomer? I like his daughter, but his wife gets on my wick. Why is Charlie Stubbs in Emmerdale? Why is Doctor Ferreira in Corrie? Why is Kathy Beale in Hollyoaks? It's like soap musical chairs. I can't keep up.
When Martin Kemp and Pippy Schofield are on stage together it's like the first stages of a Just for Men advert.
Peter Barlow's coat that looks like the Google incognito window dude should be up for some sort of award, I feel. I don't even know who some of those villains of the year were, even in Eastenders. I turn my back for a minute... oh the loan shark from Corrie is now a baddie in Hollyoaks. He is kind of scary, that guy, but he's no Jez Quigley, ha. Ooh, Hollyoaks won one. Their theme tune is so bugging.
Tina from Corrie (as opposed to Tina from Eastenders) should always win sexiest female because she's beautiful. It's just a shame they made her character so duff before they wrote her out. They always do that; ruin a good character with a crappy storyline. Side note: Mark Wright's hair looks absolutely ridiculous.
Oh dear, I'm losing focus here a bit. Jim McDonald just picked up an award for Steve. Ah, Roy just won best dramatic performance. I missed all the part about how Roy coped after Hayley died, but my mum reliably informed he 'he seemed to get over it in two weeks.' My mum informed me about all the 60 episodes I deleted - and some of the same stories were still droning on when I came back after I ditched those three months. I liked Roy's acceptance speech. It was funny and heartfelt.
What is Joey Essex wearing? I'd really love it if I never had to see Joey Essex on my TV ever again. You know, I'm not wishing a Jade Goody demise on him, just a Jo O' Meara type vanishing act will do me fine, ta.
Ha, Richard Hillman has come to give Gail Platt an award for outstanding achievement. They should have played The Wannadies when he walked on. Wow, she's been in it 40 years. I like what she's wearing, she looks nice.
Sexiest male... there's no one I really fancy in soap anymore. Syed was my last top pick. I don't even fancy Danny Dyer as much as I used to cos his face has gone a bit puffy and I don't like his styling that much in Eastenders (another wearer of the standard issue Google incognito coat). I do LOVE Danny Dyer however. I think he's wonderful in every way, you slippery little mugs. Aw, Danny didn't win! Will he win anything?! Who the fuck are you people!?
Ok, running out of steam now. Let's find out which soap is the best and get on with our lives. I think I already know anyway. WTF, did Hollyoaks really just win?! Hilarity. Maybe my boyfriend was right after all.What next, Doctors up for a BAFTA?
Danny! You woz robbed.  I still love ya, treacle.

The National Television Awards 2011

Why the fuck am I watching this, you ask? And do you want the honest answer? I'm bored. I miss my boyfriend (who works nights). I live for 2.30am every Friday night when I finally get to see him, and every week is just drudge in between at the moment. I am so stressed from work and so tired, but I can't get to sleep, so I can't even get away from myself, and I'm surviving on like four hours sleep a night. So that's why I'm watching this. I'm basically delirious.
I thought the show started well, with a strangely compelling duet between Stacey Solomon and Shaun Ryder. Stacey was my favourite when she was on the X Factor, it's a shame she's not singing for a living when plate-faced Matt Cardie is.
In other awards ceremony news, I watched the British Comedy Awards the other night, and there were a few good lols, it was quite bitchy, and I liked the joke Jonathan Ross made about Russell Howard's sleepy eye. I have a little soft spot for Russell Howard since Christmas when my mum made me watch his show.
Anyway. Back to the (anti) matter at hand. I don't mind Dermot; he knows what he's doing. Ah, there's Peter Andre. The cameraman missed a trick not cutting to his face when Dermot alluded to the 'J' word. Anyhoo, must retain that dignified silence.
Holly Willobobo looks massssive. She must be ready to drop. I like her womanly ways.
The notion that I'm a Celebrity is a better programme in any way shape or form than Big Brother is baffling. But then look what channel this show is on.
Eh-heh, Fatboy is up for best newcomer! Double LOL, he won it! And he did clicky fingers thing when he won. Dis rass! And he's going out with that Sugababe. You did good, Arthur.
Something just happened but I don't know what it was cos I fast-forwarded it. At least Shameless didn't win best drama, if I have to look at Tina Malone's face ever again it'll upset my tummy all inside.
OMFG is Peter Andre's the Next Chapter really up for an award? You might as well put my flip videos up for an award- the fridge raider episode was just sublime. Tossers.
Anyone who watched Glee should be struck blind. And deaf. I went off The Inbetweeners, too, TBH. I am such a sour puss.
It's not natural to see Phil Mitchell in a suit smiling and waving at the camera. I hope his crack odyssey wins him an award. That was the shortest drug addiction of all time. Three episodes and it was done. He should go into drugs counselling. Ew, do they have to show that clip of him with snot on his face? Ha, they all look so embarrassed when they show the clips.
Oh god, Louis Spence. Just go back in your box already, you little prat. And don't come out ever AGAIN.
Can't believe Stacey won, what a load of shit! Phil has been in Eastenders for about 20 years, FFS. Lacey didn't seem to speak in 'real life' like Stacey. Mind-boggling. I wonder what Phil would have said in his speech. WE SHALL NEVER KNOW.
Hope Dermot wins best presenter. Ant and Dec get on my last nerve. I think Paul O' Grady is good, too, I like his personality, he's not afraid to stir up a bit of shit. His show is rub, though.
Aw to Davina still crying at clips of Big Brother. I know, Davina. I miss it, too.
Ant and Dec won. Dec is looking more like Brian Dowling by the minute. And the less said about Ant's sixhead, the better. It's getting more like a octohead, and it's putting me off my dins. Simon's speech for them was good. Poor Dermy.
Something about sport. Fast forward. This Morning beat Loose Women, obv. But Jeremy Kyle is the goblin king of daytime. Incidentally, I looked at the Jeremy Kyle Show's Twitter account today and it said 'if you're a mother who's younger than her daughter, get in touch.' WTF? Yeah, get in touch and call the Guinness Book of Records.
Bored as I am, I'm getting really fucking tired of this show. I think I'm gonna hang up my washing then go play on my Xbox. Take that, Dermot.
Ugh, Anne Widdecombe isn't helping matters. I try to avoid personal attacks, but the only think uglier than her face are her views. Yeah you're a virgin because it's a choice. No, it's because no one would touch you with a bargepole, you old bag.
Who or what is Benedict Cumberpatch? It sounds SHIT.
Stephen Fry looks fat again. Too much Twitter. Oh god, a Bruce Forsyth eulogy. Save me. Aw his speech was quite cute actually! Look at his lovely wife. Oh, God, I've gone soft. Quick, fetch my medication.
I don't know much, but I do know that Eastenders isn't a patch on Corrie. If Emmerdale is five, and Eastenders is six, then CORRIE IS SEVEN! Enders aint no good. And especially not right now. (n.b I don't watch Emmerdale, I'm not insane, although I admit, I did see this clip at Christmas with my mum). Hollyoaks! Oh come on, now.
LOL to David Platt shaking his head in disgust when Eastenders won! Even if it's just high-jinks, it's mega funny. David Platt owns you, Eastenders! Ha, I'm not sure it is for the lols, he looks annoyed. That could just be the babydramas though.
Oh, Zainab, I'm not sure you're quite right for that dress, ducks. Why are the homophobic Masoods doing this speech? Get Phil to do it, you arseholes!
Corrie, it should have been you, oh, it should have been you, everybody knows, everybody SAYS SO.
Oh well, at least no one mentioned the dead baby elephant in the room. G'night.

Soap and Ammo: Lord, have Mercy

Typical Corrie; normally the storylines revolve around Ken's tawdry affairs and Norris selling penny sweets; the minute they go all Die Hard, some inadequate goes garrity with a sniper rifle in Cumbria. Result: no Corrie for almost a week. Presumably, the grieving friends and family won't be offended this week. Unless they watch Eastenders.
It is a joy to see Tony's boggle-eye back on the cobbles; even if he is hamming it up somewhat. I like Carla giving it back to him ('under-endowed'!); Carla is one of the best soap characters ever; glamorous, cool, sexy. Why IS she going out with that bin man? It makes less than no sense. How can they keep Tony in the show as a escaped murderer? They can't, can they? He's coming out of that factory in a body bag. Sob.
Oh, and a word on the new credits. Boo. Change the theme tune! Put a drum machine on it.
Gail's trial! Burn the witch. Only Corrie could be so bombastic as to run two such big storylines together; if Eastenders give you a well-written, exciting storyline, they make you eat up a big pile of Heather doing karaoke in between.
Hayley is taking being a hostage extremely well. I'd be gibbering. This siege is not very scary so far. It's like a comedy siege. Ooh, the accomplice just bought it. I take it all back. I HAVE been affected by this storyline.
Talking of which, onto Eastenders. Which storyline have you enjoyed most recently? Ben's personality transplant? The thought of Pat and Peggy's having sex with the same bloke? Liam's maths homework? Fatboy and friends enjoying a sojourn to the countryside? I know, the fun never starts!
This new Zoe Lucker character is good, isn't it! Very well rounded. Mind her handbag, Max. Wow, that romp lasted the same amount of time it too Minty to fit three cliches into one sentence.
I heard they are replacing Lucy Beale with a new actress. My boyfriend will be disappointed, as he fancies the current one. I wish they'd replace the following characters: Lucas & family (including Denise's 'zany' sister), Janine & co, all the Slaters, all the new young ones (except Fatboy), Heather, Minty, wheelchair kid (your mum left, why don't you fuck off), Carol Jackson, Liam Butcher/Jackson, Owen's mum (see wheelchair kid reasoning but replace 'mum' with 'son'), Danny Mitchell, Danny Mitchell's mum. What I'd replace them with? A Syed and Christian year-long special in which they go to Lesbos and live happily ever after.
What the fuck is this Mercy character and her offensive stereotype of an aunt all about? I feel like I've missed something, but actually they just never bothered to write it. Even if they had, I'd rather watch Hamster-girl sing me through the latest Glee covers albums.
I want to see Bianca's Forever Friends nightie. Apparently they are re-writing the Lucas storyline because it's so controversial in light of the massacre. They can barely write something the first time around; I dread to think what the alternate version will be.
Theoretically, this Eastenders lasts the same amount of minutes as Coronation Street, so why does it feel three times as long?
Oh god, please don't stay Mercy. You're fucking useless.
Back to Corrie! Transphobia from Tony! Leave Hayley alone, you monster. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria.
Look at that casual sexism from the Boyzone twat! First trannies, now women. Who's next?
Don't hit Carla, you brute. You'll ruin her hair. I feel I was a little unfair on Eastenders. There are a few characters Tony could happily off for me tonight: Julie, Sean, bin man, Kevin, Kevin's dad, Molly's aunt, Sally, Rosie, Rosie's sister, Maria, Rita, Norris's girlfriend, Emily Bishop, all Windasses, Boyzone dude, Tyrone, Gail, Audrey, Audrey's gigolo, Jason, Chesney, Ashley & Claire & their kids, Jack Duckworth, Jack Duckworth's sugar mum, Liz; I could go on.
This Corrie has been a bit scarier (and more violent) than the first.
How could Tony say Maria was a better lay than Carla? Maria is one step up from an amoeba. It doesn't ring true. Kirk is sexier than her.
Why did Nicky Platt go from trying to avoid that hairdresser to her virtually living there? It seems like they forgot to write the bit after the first date. Storyline fail. I honestly don't miss this this show, so it can't just be me.
TONY. Don't toast the knicker factory. Think of the fumes from all that polyester. Think of the ozone layer. BANG.

TV: Soap and Gory

It's about time I did a soap blog, and I can't let the demise of Klever Kitchens pass by without comment. Corrie has been great lately, particularly Peter Barlow's sudden and spectacular fall from grace last week. I liked it when he went starry eyed and said drinking was like 'coming home'. But why did they call that bar 'The Joinery'? Surely it was crying out to be called 'Bar Lows'. No sorry doesn't help, Peter. Leanne, leave him! Get rid.
Gail, I shouldn't worry about David having a party whilst you're away, he had one friend, and that was kebab kid.
Why is Klever Kitchens always pulling that face like his dog's just died? Oh, because he's married to Gail. Why does no one notice that he keeps giving them suicide speeches? When someone starts telling me how they've always cared whatever happens, how much they love me, and to look after myself until I see them again, I immediately search their bag for the Nytol, some opiates or a handgun.
That rich granddad is going to try and squirrel Simon away! Bad man. Ken was right all along. Peter is just skulking round corners smoking fags all episode.
Klever Kitchen's debt collector looks like the late Liam Connor. He's too dishy to be scary. I preferred the debt collector who was chasing Phil Mitchell recently, giving it all 'to wit, Mr Mitchell' and wearing a trenchcoat.
Klever Kitchens admitted he was inspired by 'canoe guy'! Did he read about that on Voggle? Joe, the filth are going to be poring through your internet records! You should have gone to the internet cafe like all the other criminals do. Amateur.
And now an interlude into the pointless doom cloud than is Eastenders. Do you care who killed Archie? Do you REALLY? I care more about Dr Al's friends from Cornwall who wanted to meet Roxy. We never saw any evidence of any such friends, and shortly after, he pootled off in his twatmobile, having never been given a bigger storyline than changing his hairstyle from slick to fringy, and once helping Heather with something boring. Brilliant work, Eastenders scriptwriters, just super.
Talking of brilliant, aren't you enjoying the grim groundhog day quality of the love affair that is Stacey and Bradley? I'm sure you enjoyed the 2 days that they were actually happy in between the dopey girlfriend going back to New Zealand and Stacey revealing she got pregnant by rape. Endless giggles, I'm sure.
DI Marsden listening to Lionel Richie was just inspired. Who writes this stuff? Give them some sort of award, quick!
I like the return of Billy, Bianca's brother, but only because he's played by the same actor. Remember his pre-pubescent androgyny? His afro? What's he been doing all these years in between, that's what I want to know. Peculiarly, he seems to be able to act. Rare for this show, I know.
OMG Sonia! She slipped back in like Sunita in Corrie, like she'd never been gone. Where's Robbie?
Urgh, there's those numpties from that spin off show, which I suffered through for no particular reason. I can never get those braincells back, bruv. Just go away.
Where's Syed??? Where's Christian? How DID Syed get it up in the end, that's what I want to know. I'll give the scriptwriters something; the wedding episodes were top notch. So why do they give us all this shit 3 times a week? Can't they get someone decent to write it at least once a week? Do they really have to only get decent writers in on national holidays?
Hen nights are never something that Eastenders does well. They are listening to Moon Safari by Air! What year is this?! This is the ropiest collection of 'hens' since KFCs farms got raided for cruelty. And that joke was really laboured, I'm sorry, I've had a long day.
That stripper guy is quite fit, but I still want those characters to piss off. Besides, he looks underage.
Bradley said 'you wouldn't let it lie!' I hate Bradley's now! He's leaving, isn't he? Fuck off to Holloway, I mean, Hollywood. Oh, no, I got it right first time... Christ, look at the colour of his face. And his tank top. Give me Max any day of the week.
Hmm, my TV decided not to bother taping the second Corrie. Thanks TV. How I love the ITV catch up player, it's so easy to use! *cough*.
I want to know what's in Klever Kitchen's survival pack! Rubber ring? Tin foil blankee? Fireworks? Honestly, Gail will put up with anything from this dude! She needs to change her taste in men.
Talking of which, Peter Barlow, no one cares when you're down in the gutter! Aw, Simon is SO cute! He almost makes me want to have children. But not really. No wonder that granddad wants to snatch him away. He's probably doing some genetic experiment on him.
What's the bet the nosy neighbours are going to see something they shouldn't? Ah, they did. OMG Klever Kitchens threw her on the floor! What a catch he is! Just let him go, Gail. The man is a menace to society.
Why is Gail still rocking that old Nokia? Is it nostalgia night? Why do they only have phones from 1995 and music from the early 2000s in the soaps tonight? What next, Simon feeding his Tamagotchi whilst listening to Moby?
Ooh, look at the moon! How moving. What next, a 'Gail Force' wind? That's the second husband she's sent to a watery grave. No indie pop hits this time around? I enjoyed the Wannadies as Richard Hillman drove into the canal. They could have dug out some more Moz for Joe. Aw Klever Kitchen's has lost his dinghy. This dude is born to lose. His phone, by contrast, looks quite snazzy. Perhaps he should have took it down cash converters. Oh well, at least we won't have to look at that expression any more. My favourite Klever Kitchen moment was when he smashed up the surgery after listening to The Smiths of course. RIP.
I hate Boyzone dude! He can't act! Get rid of him. I blame him for Peter's demise. Look, he's aiding and abetting sharing a beer with him!
Anyway, we decided the other night that instead of killing off Blanche's character, they should have her send an acerbic postcard every few months, giving us her thoughts on what her family and neighbours have been up to. I'd love to see her thoughts on Peter's latest fuck up. You could even animate it. Now THAT is a spin off show.

New Years Day: The Soaps

I very much enjoyed the soaps on New Years day, and thought they were much better than the Christmas Day. Of course I was most excited about the Syed/ Christian anti-fairytale coming on top, which it did, sort of. It's a bit rubbish that they continue to drag it out, but it's fucking Eastenders, what do you expect? Look at the Stacey/ Bradley carnival of sour faces that still rolls on unabated... it's pathetic.
But anyway, there were lots of briliant things about Eastenders. I liked the wedding, the colours, the horsey, the outfits, but mostly I liked Christian sticking it to Zainab. That bitch deserved what she got and it was great when he said 'he loved it!' Zainab is such a wholly unlikeable character, a hypocrite, a snob and homophobe to boot. I can't believe anyone actually likes the rotten old bint.
The second episode was obviously a disappointment, because we were waiting for Christian to sort the lot of them out, but he bottled it. And what's up with Jane? Why is she being such an arsehole, clucking on about 'the business'? She didn't care about it a couple of weeks ago when she fucked off. I expected Jane to be caring about it, but she's gone down the Roxy selfish bitch route. When is someone going to lend Christian some support? It aint going to be Lucy Beale is it?
The best scene in the 2nd part was when Zainab confronted Syed and he told her he loved Christian. I thought his acting was bloody brilliant. My heart broke for him and Christian, who must be the hottest gays in soap, ever. I'm glad he stuck it to her as well. I'm pissed off he married Amira though. She doesn't deserve that, even if she is an insipid horse face. She's got a good heart.
Will Zainab tell Masood (whom I think would take it better)? Will Christian still get off with Syed? Just wait another 12 months and we might find out.
Corrie was obviously nowhere near as good, but I did really like the storyline where Becky said she didn't want to have a baby. It's rare you see someone say that in a soap, and I thought her reasons were all very good! I get the feeling she's going to bend on it though, which is annoying. But I really felt for her. And fuck you Liz, and stop wearing that bloody necklace. Also, please get rid of Ashley and Claire, they are absolutely useless.
Cheers. Big Brother later! Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Soap speciale!

Good soaps tonight, and I cried, but the end of the month has me feeling fragile so it was inevitable. I'm vulnerable to the soapemotions! Hey, what was all that Rosie in her undies but only on the website thing about? That was stupid! I can't be bothered with that interactive bullshit.
I thought Fizz (it's Fiz but that doesn't look right) looked great tonight. She's just lovely in every way. If that John Snape/ Stape does her over, he'll have me to deal with. And, er... Chesney. And when Sean wished her luck and said 'you're my kind of crazy, Fizzbomb' that was what did me in. Just good writing and characterisation and human truth. All in one.
God knows why she wants to get married in prison, though. It's not like he's a lifer. I thought registry offices were grim enough.
Rosie's just a little CUNT! Rargh! Why is Luke Strong putting up with it? No wonder he buggered off to Strictly Come Dancing. Vince from Queer as Folk wouldn't put up with this shit. Michelle deserves all she gets! Her taste in men is dreadful. I'd rather go for Tony.
It's a bit unfair they ganged up on Rosie; he WAS going to sleep with her after all. You also can't fire someone for that reason. Tribunal!
Five hundred quid to split up Amber and Kebab Kid! Five hundred! That's pretty cheap. Wish they'd give Dev a decent storyline. He's amaaaaaazing.
I liked the ginger Windass tricking Chesney into admitting he loved Fizz. I kinda like that ginger chav. I've always had a soft spot for a weasley ginge, don't tell anyone.
I hope Norris does NOT employ that woman. End.
Eastenders was also good, in it's own Eastender-y way (i.e. not just as good, but five minutes of good). I hope Jane takes the satanic-looking Bobby and goes have her baby with someone else. Sod Ian!
I HATE all the Mitchells crap; fuck off Sam, fuck off Ronnie and your ugly boyfriend, and fuck off Dr. creepy Jenkins. He has all the good writing, characterisation and human truth of a cereal box that someone has written the work 'HUNK' on. RUBBISH.
OMG that bit with Syed and Christian was both sexy and creepy at the end (good combination). How GOOD did Syed look tonight, all stubbly and long haired? He's my Bollywood prince (is that racist?) And see the way those chocolates got flung to the floor as they snogged down an alley... oh yes. Fabulous. WHO saw them??? I don't want to know. I like the mystery.
Hey, I think I've just changed my mind about the interactive website bollocks, IF the interactive website bollocks can include a steamy X-rated scene with Christian and Syed. Down the alley, or otherwise, I'm open to suggestions, as long as Syed is unclothed.
Dear or dear, do you come here for this kind of smut?! Disgraceful! Think of the children.

Eastenders: The Paedophile Edition

Eastenders was excellent tonight. I cried the whole way through it so it must have done the trick. Wow they really piled on the rain machine, didn't they? And Tony actually did some acting rather than just looking like some shifty motherfucker. I thought the whole thing was brilliantly acted; Bianca and Whitney in particular were really good. And I normally can't stand Bianca.
The whole episode was really well written (I notice from the credits they got an old school writer in; I did my dissertation on Eastenders at university so that tells you what type of course I did) They always get an old school writer in when it's a biggie episode.
The whole episode was full of horror and it was very dramatic, in the right way. I'm glad they didn't shirk from it; and I thought Bianca's reaction was interesting; I was SHOCKED when Whitney said she was 12 when it started and Bianca still carried on having a go at her. But the penny dropped more gradually; and it was actually more effective as she put the pieces together. It was good when she took Tiffany off Tony's lap, and him saying she was too young, because that's how it must be to be a child abuser; you must have to have some supremely twisted sense of morality to say 'no, that child is too young, but 12 is ok.' We lump them together, but child abusers ARE humans; and that's what's frightening.
I'm so glad they didn't drag it out more; I couldn't have standed (!) it any longer. NB. That creative writing degree was wasted on me *pays back the loan forever*.
I was wondering the whole way through when someone was going to say the P word, and I'm glad they did, although it was clearly a heavy handed 'message for the kids'. Yet it was good that it was acknowledged; this was not an affair, it was rape. Whitney was not to blame.
I was very happy when it transpired Bianca had called the old bill at the end. The whole thing was like the worst drama in my house ever growing up times twelve. And you gotta love Eastenders for that shit.
PS: I double dare you to spell paedophilia right first time.

Coronation Street vs Eastenders (both shit this week)

I know Eastenders was earlier in the week, but certain things need to be said. How can I not comment on the giant picture of HIMSELF that Christian had on the wall of his flat? Brilliantly narcissistic. Who does he think he is, Peter and Jordan combined?
Charlie trying to get with that woman was gross: that woman looked way too old for him, even older than Peggy. Also, when will the get rid of Stacey's mum? She is to my viewing pleasure what Alex is to my enjoyment of Big Brother. A big, fat ANNOYANCE.
Mad May is alright. Dawn's boyfriend makes me feel physically sick, especially when they try and sell him as a hunk. He looks like something you'd find under the bridge.
Also shit: Bradley and his boss/ Chelsea and her coke. Drugs are bad! We get it. And what was with Lucy's boyfriend? I couldn't work out if he was grubby or just very stubbly. Either way, who'd want to shag Lucy Beale? She's the female David Platt.
Which brings us onto Corrie. The writers are clearly drunk. How stupid is the storyline where Steve slept with Becky? Steve is besotted with Michelle, that would never have happened. Plus, do we have to see quite so much of Steve with his shirt off? I've just eaten.
Also, the whole precursor to that with the bookie knob-head in the cellar was a load of old rubbish too. I think the writers have gone on holiday and just left Carla's bloke with the poppy-out eye in charge of the scripts.
Sigh! Still at least we have the real life soap Big Brother to fill the hole.

Corrie/ Enders- Kill Me Now

God I feel depressed today. And I'm not exactly uplifted by the Corrie/ Eastenders sandwich of meloncholy.
I'm sick of Sean, Violet, Jamie, Carla, her bug-eyed boyfriend, her flat that looks like a brothel. I'm sick of Liam being so damn friendly all the time. I'm sick of Michelle's other son, the weaselly one with the comedy sideburns (I'm not sick of Ryan, of course, he's a hottie).
Enders: I'm sick of Ian, Stephen, Stacey. I'm MURDEROUS about Clare. Her sleazy patter makes me want to hurl. I wouldn't shag Ian Beale for a zillion squid. Harpie. My mate told me she played the exact same character in Hollyoaks. So now Hollyoaks is infiltrating Enders. It's wrong. Hollyoaks should keep it's robotic bimbos and bimboys to itself. Otherwise Eastenders will send Hollyoaks Phil Mitchell and they won't like that, no sir.
The characterisation in Eastenders is poor beyond words. Just look at the minor characters, the chav mum and the homeless girl for example. The homeless girl had neater hair than me. The chav mum was a confused almost-goth.
I guess I have to conclude Eastenders has gone shit again. It kinda sucks.
And back to Corrie again. Violet and Jamie feel about Sean the same way I feel about the rest of the human race. Just get out of my face! Run, run little piggies, run. I got deja vu because Liam had the exact same conversation with Ryan as in the earlier show.
'If you want peace come round.'
'If you want to escape the madness come round.'
'If you want a smug, patronising smarm fest with Maria and that stupid black dog, come on round, Ryan, and we'll pretend to play video games.'
David did NOT snog Tracey, or go out with Maria. Don't believe David's oranged-faced lies. The thought of him shagging in any capacity is just unforgivable before the 9pm watershed.
Finally, what the fuck have they done to the Rovers?! They've given it a gothic makeover. They must have got Carla's decorators in. Urgh.

Soap Round-Up: The Psycho Woman Edition

I say soap round-up but obviously I don't watch Emmerdale. It's shit!
So Eastenders has come out of the mire a little. However, they always drag stories on for waaaaaaaaaaaay too long, when will Max and Stacey get caught out? The whole Dawn baby saga is a bit sick and depressing and just goes on and on and on improbably. How does May plan to get the baby off Dawn? Wrestle her? Swap it for the useless husband? Yawn, who cares.
The Stella/ Ben thing is the best storyline at the moment. Stella has gone from Queen Drip to Child-Called-It territory. I feel pretty frightened of her. I can't WAIT until Phil finds out! What will he do? Rarrrgggghh! Rip a table in half! Go all red! Order a double vodka with your orange juice! I love it. I can just see her laughing in his face. He's going to go postal. However at the rate storylines are going at the moment, I expect this episode will occur at some point during the 2012 Olympics.
What else? I find the whole Billy and Honey thing dull, dull, dull. Can't think what else is going on. Parklife and co haven't been in it this week. Has Bert left yet? I mostly fast forward when him, Yolande, or Jim come on. I know they suspended the road-sweeping girlfriend-beater week. We can only pray that the old folk start sniffing coke and fucking hookers real soon so we can get rid sharpish.
As for Corrie, Tracey's trial has been reasonably good, and I enjoyed the two-hander the other day when she confessed to Deirdre she offed Charlie. Also we didn't have to see any of that shitty new family who've just moved in. If I wanted to watch twats off Brookside I woud have done it in the 90s when it was in some way relevant.
Anyway. My boyfriend really hates Tracey with a passion but I love the fact she concocted such a ridiculous and fundamentally flawed plan of murder just because someone cheated on her. I also liked it when she said 'Do you think I'd EVER let a man hit me?' Go Tracey! She is evil, but she's funny. Berating her lawyer for telling her off was genius. I suspect she's going down.
David Platt (still not gone upstairs and transformed into a hunk, dammit) is offensive to both the eye and mind. I really want to smack him in the mouth. I'd rather do ten years (she's not going to get twenty! Don't they read the papers?) than sleep with that foundation-smeared, snub nosed little smuggard.
As for Deirdre, can someone sort her clothes out? She really does wear the most revolting things. The neck I can deal with, but those belts are just a step too far.

Enders Vs Corrie

Quality-wise neither really deserve their own blog so let's mush them in together. Corrie's OK at the moment, the gay kiss and the David blackmail thing are mildly titilating. I'm forever waiting for David go upstairs and come back down better-looking like Madame Rickett did- but he never does. Instead we are forced to look at his sneery weasely face, which even a hair cut and a splodge of fake tan can't disguise. Don't do it Tracey. When she told him to 'come in the back way' the other day, there was some concern in my household and I'm sure, many others.
Corrie has its fair share of dross though: this endless Becky thing (just fuck off) and the boring factory family. Jason's acting makes wood look animated. Yawnio. Luckily, Corrie has Norris and Blanche and therefore always wins.
Enders is ultimate dross lately, it doesn't even feel like Eastenders now Pauline and Martin are gone. Phil Mitchell, whom I prayed for the return of for several months, is saddled with sappy twat Stella and the devil-child Ben. I want him to get drunk and go on a rampage! Knock some heads together! Fuck all this pussy-footing around bollocks. GO PURPLE!
Stacey Slater shagging that old ginger bloke is also morally-repugnant, and how dull is his wife? And if that fucking child of theirs sings a song ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA FUCKING BOOT THE TELLY. As for that ridiculous plot-hole riddled storyline with Dawn having a baby- what the fuck? The wife having to listen to her and that bloke shagging the other day was just plain sick. That's not tea time viewing.
I also particularly hate BERT, BERT's chav child-spawn thing, YOLANDE, all of that family who live with Pat, especially the shouty, appalling actress mechanic blonde one and the skeletal black daughter who seems to have had a personality bypass. Further to this, I hate Mickey and his comedy hair.
Dear God, there's not even any totty or nuffink these days. Shit, why am I still watching this? Its depressing as fuck.
Although Dot is always super-cool.