Live (ish) Blog: The British Soap Awards 2009

I wouldn't normally watch the soap awards (as I'm not clinically insane) but I thought it might make for an amusing blog. Only you can decide if I was right or if I should have watched The Apprentice instead (I'm gonna watch The Apprentice anyway, ner!)
Oh dear, it didn't bode well when I hardly recognised anyone at the start. But then I only watch Eastenders and Corrie. I was amused to see Luke Strong doing a rude boy style hand flick at the cameras- bo! He's keeping it real down Underworld. He likes what he's seen so far. Unlike me, which is Barbara Windsor looking like a corpse and a vomit-rainbow of dresses. Aww, Shaun. I miss your manic charms. Andrew Sachs! Die! How am I going to cope when he's actually IN Corrie? Stop ruining my life!
Why is Phillip Schofield on EVERYTHING? He's about as humourous as an episode of Eastenders. Zzzz.
1st up: Sexiest Male. God, there's fuck all totty at the mo, that new doctor they've foisted upon up in Eastenders makes me wanna go gay. Ooh I vote Tony from Corrie! I've got the sickest crush on him and his white shirt black tie combo. And he's one of the options. Bizarre. As is Peter Barlow? I'm not that desperate! Or Shaun, I'd pick him too, I like gingers. Ah Christian is up for it as well. He's my boyfriend's pick. God, they nominate about 500 people. Next it'll be Dev, Dev's uncle, Ken, Norris and Billy Mitchell. Urgh, Jack from Eastenders won! He looks like the missing link. I'd rather go dogging with Phil Mitchell. His speech was quite funny, he said it was 3 hours in make up. Boo!
Sexiest Female. My boyfriend likes Becky and Tina from Corrie. Is Stacey Slater sexy? My mum says she's pretty but I think she looks like a hamster. Hmm, no nominations for Roxy or Ronnie I see. Tina won. She is cute. Oh dear, I'm actually getting into this. Bye bye non-existent credibility.
Villan of the Year HAS to be Tony. Those masks were fab. Ooh Archie is pretty bad as well though. Tony won! Hurrah. Well deserved. I was so pleased when they kept him in Corrie, he's a great character. He looks hot!
'Comedian' Lee Mack made a gross sexist joke. Haven't you been replaced by that other twat comedian now (Macantyre?) Just fuck off. Oh he's introducing Best Comedy Performance. It's gotta be Blanche, she's basically got her own scriptwriter she's so good. What she's not even nominated! Zenab Masood??? Is she meant to be funny? She's always fucking moaning. She's about as funny as getting run over on the way to get chemotherapy. Where was Norris? Becky? Even Dev, for fuck's sake. This award is an abomination, an injustice right up there with Guilford Four. I demand a recount!
Spectacular scene of the Year: I can't even think of any except that naked picture of Dev and thats cos it was yesterday! Oddly I'd seen the Emmerdale one at my mums. She's always going on about how good Emmerdale is, but I need another soap in my life like I need a pay cut.
Best Dramatic Performance: Oh dear, Doctors isn't winning anything, I wonder why (not). Bianca was actually pretty good in the paedo storyline. I thought that episode was excellent. Shit, Doctors did win! Wtf? I watched that once because my friend was in it, and even he was wooden.
Best young dramatic performance should go to Simon, he's amazing! He almost makes me like children! And that's just weird. Bianca's ginger spawn is quite good, too.
Best Exit. Yay, Liam should win that (cos of the masks!) but won't as he wasn't there. That Doctors exit did look good, it was like Final Destination. Ooh Liam did win after all! Very very rock n roll.
Hold up; how come Jordan and Peter are presenting an award? When did they film this? I feel cheated. Best Couple should go to Steve and Becky, and surely will. WHAT! The Masoods?!! You've got to be shitting me? Am I on a different planet to everyone else? They are SHIT. The only one thats good is the speccy kid. What next, Nasty Nick for Best Actor? Fuck me. The world is so out of kilter with my own perception of things, I wonder who's got it right. Obviously it's me, but still; fuck you, world.
Oh fucking hell, then Barbara Windsor won some lifetime achievement thing for bellowing 'GETOUTTAMYPUB!' and that's about it. She gets on my nerves. Oh shut up about Carry On films. Get over it! Aw, Shane Richie came out and called her 'the duchess'. Cute.
OK I'm flagging now. Surely the lifetime achievement award should be at the end. This show is exactly an hour too long. Still, I'll suffer the rest just for you and bankroll it later, even though you never asked me to.
Best storyline. Doctors won?! Who watches Doctors. No fucker, we're all at work. How ridiculous.
Best Newcomer: I like David's mate who works in the butchers, he has a very amusing voice. I think Whitney is excellent too, and a really good actress (and cute- she's not underage anymore, right?) David's mate won! Cool, especially as I can't even remember his screen name.
Best Episode should have gone to the Bianca/Whitney one I reckon. I thought that was about the only good episode of Eastenders in a year. Steve and Becky's wedding was awful and totally over-acted. It was actually quite embarrassing. Doctors won! Who knew.
Best Actor went to Shaun Slater- fuck a duck. I fancy him as much as the next person, but his acting is dire! Even he looked embarrassed. These awards are a shambles. Fair play that he said Max Branning or Phil Mitchell deserved it more, because they do (even though Phil Mitchell seems to have forgotten how to act drunk lately.) Who's going to win Best Actress now, Heather?
Becky won. I think on the whole she is a good actress, and her character is good, she just had an off day on the wedding. I can't believe they showed that clip straight after, it actually made me cringe it was so bad.
How the fuck did Eastenders win Best British Soap? It is so badly written it's untrue. Coronation Street is so far ahead in terms of writing, comedy, characterisation, even drama, it's unreal. Choosing Eastenders over it is like offering someone a holiday in the Bahamas or a trip to Blackpool and people choosing Blackpool because they don't like 'that foreign muck.'
Who is voting for this shit? You should have your pens taken off you, you fucking idiots. Or is crayons?

Eastenders: Once you start lying, keep lying

After the recent excitement of Ian's beard Eastenders hit a new low last week, followed by tonight's half hour of torture (lessened by my trusty Sky Plus).
Last week over-actors anonymous failed to sign up Roxy (and her nylon hair), Billy and the new post-obsessed family leaving us to cringe through a lot of interminable dialogue about nothing. This new asian family really are dreadful, not one personality between four of them. I mean, why? She's a nagging harpy. Plus she looks old enough to be his mum.
Bradley's (new, so I'm told) mum seems to have one eyebrow permanently stapled into the surprised position. She is also unpleasant to watch, as is chav child's dad (what happened to Bert? please don't come back). His storyline (whatever it is) is uninteresting. So uninteresting I fast forwarded it all.
Where the hell has Phil gone??? Come back! Sort it aht! Where's Ben? Did they lock him in a cupboard? Hopefully he'll come back hot.
Patrick- don't care. Fat girl- don't care. Call that a cliff-hanger??? Fuck me. Dig up Dennis. Please!
One good thing: I liked Sean Slaters advice to Peggy: 'Once you start lying, keep lying.' You don't get that sort of insight from a fortune-cookie.

Eastenders: Aftermath

I want a balloon with Phil Mitchell's face on! NOW!
PS. Bet he didn't do it.
That is all.

Eastenders: Stellar!

Yay a good Eastenders at last. But haven't we waited long enough? And actually, it wasn't all good because there was some unbearable dross with Bert/ Patrick/ Wellard. Normally I forwards through those bits.
So when Ben staggered forwards saying 'can somebody help me?' it was quite harrowing. Bless that little nerd. Phil circling Stella round the pool table was very effective. You knew when she blamed Ian the game was up.
I LOVED it when Peggy said 'Make her pay.' That's the Mitchell way! Phil's acting was brilliant. I was willing him to mush her up with an iron bar. He went all purple! Hurrah. More evil Phil! Sack everyone else, just have Phil going psycho.
So did he push her? Course he did!

Enders Vs Corrie

Quality-wise neither really deserve their own blog so let's mush them in together. Corrie's OK at the moment, the gay kiss and the David blackmail thing are mildly titilating. I'm forever waiting for David go upstairs and come back down better-looking like Madame Rickett did- but he never does. Instead we are forced to look at his sneery weasely face, which even a hair cut and a splodge of fake tan can't disguise. Don't do it Tracey. When she told him to 'come in the back way' the other day, there was some concern in my household and I'm sure, many others.
Corrie has its fair share of dross though: this endless Becky thing (just fuck off) and the boring factory family. Jason's acting makes wood look animated. Yawnio. Luckily, Corrie has Norris and Blanche and therefore always wins.
Enders is ultimate dross lately, it doesn't even feel like Eastenders now Pauline and Martin are gone. Phil Mitchell, whom I prayed for the return of for several months, is saddled with sappy twat Stella and the devil-child Ben. I want him to get drunk and go on a rampage! Knock some heads together! Fuck all this pussy-footing around bollocks. GO PURPLE!
Stacey Slater shagging that old ginger bloke is also morally-repugnant, and how dull is his wife? And if that fucking child of theirs sings a song ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA FUCKING BOOT THE TELLY. As for that ridiculous plot-hole riddled storyline with Dawn having a baby- what the fuck? The wife having to listen to her and that bloke shagging the other day was just plain sick. That's not tea time viewing.
I also particularly hate BERT, BERT's chav child-spawn thing, YOLANDE, all of that family who live with Pat, especially the shouty, appalling actress mechanic blonde one and the skeletal black daughter who seems to have had a personality bypass. Further to this, I hate Mickey and his comedy hair.
Dear God, there's not even any totty or nuffink these days. Shit, why am I still watching this? Its depressing as fuck.
Although Dot is always super-cool.