Live (ish) Blog: The British Soap Awards 2009

I wouldn't normally watch the soap awards (as I'm not clinically insane) but I thought it might make for an amusing blog. Only you can decide if I was right or if I should have watched The Apprentice instead (I'm gonna watch The Apprentice anyway, ner!)
Oh dear, it didn't bode well when I hardly recognised anyone at the start. But then I only watch Eastenders and Corrie. I was amused to see Luke Strong doing a rude boy style hand flick at the cameras- bo! He's keeping it real down Underworld. He likes what he's seen so far. Unlike me, which is Barbara Windsor looking like a corpse and a vomit-rainbow of dresses. Aww, Shaun. I miss your manic charms. Andrew Sachs! Die! How am I going to cope when he's actually IN Corrie? Stop ruining my life!
Why is Phillip Schofield on EVERYTHING? He's about as humourous as an episode of Eastenders. Zzzz.
1st up: Sexiest Male. God, there's fuck all totty at the mo, that new doctor they've foisted upon up in Eastenders makes me wanna go gay. Ooh I vote Tony from Corrie! I've got the sickest crush on him and his white shirt black tie combo. And he's one of the options. Bizarre. As is Peter Barlow? I'm not that desperate! Or Shaun, I'd pick him too, I like gingers. Ah Christian is up for it as well. He's my boyfriend's pick. God, they nominate about 500 people. Next it'll be Dev, Dev's uncle, Ken, Norris and Billy Mitchell. Urgh, Jack from Eastenders won! He looks like the missing link. I'd rather go dogging with Phil Mitchell. His speech was quite funny, he said it was 3 hours in make up. Boo!
Sexiest Female. My boyfriend likes Becky and Tina from Corrie. Is Stacey Slater sexy? My mum says she's pretty but I think she looks like a hamster. Hmm, no nominations for Roxy or Ronnie I see. Tina won. She is cute. Oh dear, I'm actually getting into this. Bye bye non-existent credibility.
Villan of the Year HAS to be Tony. Those masks were fab. Ooh Archie is pretty bad as well though. Tony won! Hurrah. Well deserved. I was so pleased when they kept him in Corrie, he's a great character. He looks hot!
'Comedian' Lee Mack made a gross sexist joke. Haven't you been replaced by that other twat comedian now (Macantyre?) Just fuck off. Oh he's introducing Best Comedy Performance. It's gotta be Blanche, she's basically got her own scriptwriter she's so good. What she's not even nominated! Zenab Masood??? Is she meant to be funny? She's always fucking moaning. She's about as funny as getting run over on the way to get chemotherapy. Where was Norris? Becky? Even Dev, for fuck's sake. This award is an abomination, an injustice right up there with Guilford Four. I demand a recount!
Spectacular scene of the Year: I can't even think of any except that naked picture of Dev and thats cos it was yesterday! Oddly I'd seen the Emmerdale one at my mums. She's always going on about how good Emmerdale is, but I need another soap in my life like I need a pay cut.
Best Dramatic Performance: Oh dear, Doctors isn't winning anything, I wonder why (not). Bianca was actually pretty good in the paedo storyline. I thought that episode was excellent. Shit, Doctors did win! Wtf? I watched that once because my friend was in it, and even he was wooden.
Best young dramatic performance should go to Simon, he's amazing! He almost makes me like children! And that's just weird. Bianca's ginger spawn is quite good, too.
Best Exit. Yay, Liam should win that (cos of the masks!) but won't as he wasn't there. That Doctors exit did look good, it was like Final Destination. Ooh Liam did win after all! Very very rock n roll.
Hold up; how come Jordan and Peter are presenting an award? When did they film this? I feel cheated. Best Couple should go to Steve and Becky, and surely will. WHAT! The Masoods?!! You've got to be shitting me? Am I on a different planet to everyone else? They are SHIT. The only one thats good is the speccy kid. What next, Nasty Nick for Best Actor? Fuck me. The world is so out of kilter with my own perception of things, I wonder who's got it right. Obviously it's me, but still; fuck you, world.
Oh fucking hell, then Barbara Windsor won some lifetime achievement thing for bellowing 'GETOUTTAMYPUB!' and that's about it. She gets on my nerves. Oh shut up about Carry On films. Get over it! Aw, Shane Richie came out and called her 'the duchess'. Cute.
OK I'm flagging now. Surely the lifetime achievement award should be at the end. This show is exactly an hour too long. Still, I'll suffer the rest just for you and bankroll it later, even though you never asked me to.
Best storyline. Doctors won?! Who watches Doctors. No fucker, we're all at work. How ridiculous.
Best Newcomer: I like David's mate who works in the butchers, he has a very amusing voice. I think Whitney is excellent too, and a really good actress (and cute- she's not underage anymore, right?) David's mate won! Cool, especially as I can't even remember his screen name.
Best Episode should have gone to the Bianca/Whitney one I reckon. I thought that was about the only good episode of Eastenders in a year. Steve and Becky's wedding was awful and totally over-acted. It was actually quite embarrassing. Doctors won! Who knew.
Best Actor went to Shaun Slater- fuck a duck. I fancy him as much as the next person, but his acting is dire! Even he looked embarrassed. These awards are a shambles. Fair play that he said Max Branning or Phil Mitchell deserved it more, because they do (even though Phil Mitchell seems to have forgotten how to act drunk lately.) Who's going to win Best Actress now, Heather?
Becky won. I think on the whole she is a good actress, and her character is good, she just had an off day on the wedding. I can't believe they showed that clip straight after, it actually made me cringe it was so bad.
How the fuck did Eastenders win Best British Soap? It is so badly written it's untrue. Coronation Street is so far ahead in terms of writing, comedy, characterisation, even drama, it's unreal. Choosing Eastenders over it is like offering someone a holiday in the Bahamas or a trip to Blackpool and people choosing Blackpool because they don't like 'that foreign muck.'
Who is voting for this shit? You should have your pens taken off you, you fucking idiots. Or is crayons?

Mondays: Soap on a Mope

How can Eastenders get more viewers than Corrie? Seriously, lately it has been beyond painful. It is an ordeal watching it. Mind you, this is a nation that (allegedly) finds Horne and Corden funny, so there's no accounting for taste.
Enders! I thought they dragged out the Max and Stacey frown-fest long enough but this Ronnie/twitchy Danielle/Archie thing is interminable. It's like self harm for the brain. I HATE ARCHIE! Argh! He's awful! The storyline just makes me angry. No one on earth could be that much of a cunt, except maybe George Lamb. Ahem. I know he's only a character but he's just so irritating and bile-inducing: AND his radio show is shit (sorry, that joke was so bad even Ian Hyland in the News of the World would have balked at it).
Bad day at work? Why not depress yourself further and stare at Billy's green walls. Why not listen to Stacey's mum shrieking and not dying, no matter how hard you pray she will? Why not get screamed at by Bianca?
And if the relentless doom and gloom doesn't tickle your fancy, why not go for a bit of bona-fide boredom? Ah, here's Peggy's election campaign. Here's Patrick/ Chelsea/ Chelsea's boyfriend with the enormous sixhead. Where the fuck is Phil Mitchell? Even him giving Shirley one would be something (god, I AM desperate for storylines). They've even made Roxy boring (will she ever visit I-Beefa again?), and Christian hasn't been seen for weeks. perhaps he's off having some sterotypical gay fun somewhere. I wish we could watch (not all of it, admittedly).
Want some comedy? Try Corrie then because contrary to the script-writers misguided belief, Ian Beale, the Masoods and Heather are NOT FUNNY. AT ALL! Masala Queen? Just fuck off.
How about totty? Er... there IS NONE. Why am I watching this again? I swear off it every few months, but I just can't escape the E20 matrix. Argh! I'm stuck in Groundhog day, just like Danielle.
Corrie, on the other hand, has had some exceptionally good one liners lately. The writing has been top class (although Becky and Steve's wedding was a bit painful, and Becky overacted badly, but the restaurant scene the other night was really good). There are also lots of good new characters (although Luke Strong is killing my fond memories of Queer as Folk!) and good humourous storylines. I like David Platt's mate with the funny voice especially. It was also a masterstroke keeping Tony in, who is looking hotter by the day (I know, it's not right, but it feels it on occasion).
Minor gripes: what is the POINT in Liam's friend, the Lad Rags dude? He seems endlessly dull, is Tony going to off him or something? Also, what is the point in Liz's friend in the pub? And as for Dev's uncle: Jesus! There's definitely a bit of chaff knocking around, make no mistake.
Hold on, kebab boy just said Tesco, instead of Freshco! Has the subliminal advertising begun already?
PS: Klever kitchens guy makes me depressed.
PPS: I like Peter's child Simon, he's mega cute and looks like he should be in an Enid Blyton book. But don't tell anyone I said that. People will talk!