The British Soap Awards 2012

For my sins, I've blogged this for the last three years, but I only watch one soap now, Corrie. I'm so proud of myself for giving up Eastenders; there's only so many different ways they can insult you as a viewer before you have to vote with your remote. Still, at least this will be an easy way to catch up on what I missed. The only thing I miss about Eastenders is Christian and Syed. The rest can go fuck themselves.
And in truth, Corrie's been a bit duff lately, too. The always-brilliant Carla and smoking-masterclass-champ Peter are much underused in favour of the tedious interfering Stella (still not mastered that accent). Mary has outstayed her welcome by about 18 months. Julie and her boyfriend are pathetic. Eileen's boyfriend's lips creep me out and his wife is ridiculous (although the Tv smashing scene was hilarious). But worse is their appalling decision to bring back Terry Duckworth. He can't fucking act! He makes Nick Cotton look like Kenneth Brannagh. Tommy 'I'm not balding, it's the lighting, even in daylight' Duckworth can also go fuck a duck; to think Tina used to be with the lovely Graham and now has to put up with this pillock. Poor girl. Kevin and Sally: tedious. Sunita has had a personality transplant. Tyrone's girlfriend is a cow. Marcus, Maria and Sean: tedium. And you can't make Roy's mum Blanche just by giving her Blanche's lines. Soz. And as for Betty's week long send off; it made me want to drown in a vat of hotpot.
Jack 'the public are watching us!' Branning won sexiest man, again. I personally don't like men who look like the missing link, but that's just me. Syed would be my pick, I'll never forget how he looked on that horse on his wedding day. The fact they try and sell Tommy Duckworth to us as a hunk is embarrassing. I'd rather fuck his dad, Terry Duckworth; at least he'd probably do some decent dirty talk rather than staring at his own chest in the mirror.
Fucking hell, Keith Lemon just turned up, but it's OK, cos I'm 50 minutes behind so the fast forward is going to be on heavy rotation. Now he's groping Michelle Keegan (sexiest female). Lovely. One things for sure, she's too good for that one out of The Wanted who looks like he's permanently sniffing a fart.
I'm surprised the actress who plays Becky has turned up. Thought she'd gone all posh now with her dark hair and treading the boards and all that. It must be like going to an old work do, so fair play to her for coming. In fact, I think the correlation is clear: Corrie's gone down the toilet since she left.
Ace Batty might be one of the best names on the planet, after Mardy Fish, obv.
Frank Foster won best villain, which he deserves, because he does make my skin crawl. It doesn't help that he looks just like John Leslie, it adds that extra level of creepy. Frank thanked 'God'. Did God have a lot of input into the portrayal of a rapist? Weird. Carla looks absolutely stunning. I still have no idea how old Carla is. She could be anything from 30 to 45.
Wow, Emmerdale looks spectacularly rubbish. Hollyoaks looks quite good, that murder looked interesting, but I think I'm a bit old to start watching that, plus I've got no space in my planner.
Can't believe Tyrone's girlfriend won best newcomer, she's so annoying. I hope she makes herself useful and stabs Tyrone. Is she can't be bothered to do that, she can fuck off. I don't really have time for a 'man being emotionally abused by girlfriend' storyline, because it's just more grist to the 'women do it, too!' mill. 
Don't remind us how close Carla got to killing Stella. Why didn't she finish the job? Shit, this blog is making me think I'm going to end up stopping watching Corrie eventually, too. Perhaps I'll only ever watch high-brow programmes from now on. Well, until the Big Brother double bill in June.
I don't like Becky's brown hair! Brown is dowdy. Blondes forever! I know she's trying to get away from 'Becky' but she shouldn't have played her so well, then.
How could Hamster girl from Eastenders win best young performance over Simon? Come on now. No one can beat Simon. Simon's better than ANYONE in any soap.
Jerry Hall looks like a piece of old gristle. Tanya from Eastenders looks really nice. I always think she's from the same tribe as me, like Esther Rantzen's annoying daughter who's on Watchdog. You recognise your own tribe when you see it. I recognise the teeth and the boobs.
Pat Butcher is getting the Lifetime Achievement award, which I guess is fair enough. It's weird when you hear her speak all posh.
Billy's WIG! Ah, Ferry Penwick. Even Eamonn Holmes was taking the piss out of Billy's wig on This Morning the other day saying he looked like Joe Pesci. When Eamonn Holmes is digging you out on telly, you know you're fucked.
That Bradley Walsh thing was weird but Simon was too cute. I'd actually give birth if I could be guaranteed a Simon. And that's saying something. Unfortunately, I'd end up with an Amy.
Roy's mum won Best Comedy Performance. Really?
Dennis from Corrie! There's another person we didn't need back. Owen. Gary. Izzy. Chesney. God, there's almost no one I like in it. Norris is cool, obv, but Mary is dragging him down. He doesn't need a sidekick. Sidekicks are always, always bad. Just ask Tails.
I do think Max and Tanya are good in Eastenders, so I suppose I do miss them a bit. Max is another champion cigarette smoker; him, Peter Barlow and Becky should have a smoke-off. And he said 'many thanks'. I know I'll want to sneak a peek when Sharon comes back, but I won't.
Oh Christ, a Betty tribute. I thought we were done. Yeah, hotpot! Whatevs.
I'm glad Katherine Kelly won best exit (and I remembered her name). They gave her a good send off after ruining her character a bit.
Those (new) Moon brothers are the reason I stopped watching Eastenders. It was like Chris Fountain; ugly 'hunks' with no personality being shoehorned in. Simon Ashdown does write the good Eastenders episodes, so good that you can tell when he's written them. It's a shame the other writers aren't even nearly up to scratch. Just not good enough, I'm afraid. I'm sick of writers in jobs where they can't write! I edit a magazine for my day job and the stories that are always the worst written are ones written by journalists (ie. the ones I nick from the local press). Is being able to write even a qualification for being a journalist? It makes me want to weep.
Good to see Peter Barlow nominated for Best Actor. Remember that weird episode they did this year when he was in every scene? It was like he was teleporting across Weatherfield. I like it when the directors do a little in-joke like that, it's quite good, and creates a little Twitter buzz. Like when Jason and Tina went to a club and did pills, but it was never explicitly mentioned, but they were stroking each other and 'chilling out' wearing glowsticks and chewing their faces off. I couldn't believe what I was seeing (this was not a dream!) But Twitter didn't exist then, so I can't prove it happened. Oh, someone from Emmerdale won.
Hope Carla wins Best Actress, she deserves it. Oh, she did! Good. I thought the rape storyline was really good, until she had to start working with Frank at the factory again, as that was completely unrealistic and cheapened it a bit.
Why does Eastenders always win best soap? It's fucking dire. It's unwatchable. I'd rather Doctors won! Maybe this time next year I'll have ditched Corrie and I'll be a soap free zone. See you in 2013. Or on Saturday, for The Voice.

The British Soap Awards 2011

Time is flying. It seems about ten seconds since I last blogged these fuckers. And what a year it's been for soap. Hasn't Eastenders been amazing? Oh...
Admittedly the tram crash was good in Corrie, but on the whole, I don't think Corrie has been that great this year. I miss Blanche and the humour has given way for grotesque product placement. Like my boyf said, I'd rather they just show the packet than have them going 'Let's go to ALTON TOWERS! Let's stop at MCDONALDS on the way!' It's tawdry.
Tony Gordon! Give his eye an award for best actor. He is SADLY missed. Ooh, Syed looks dreamy.
McFly are giving an award to sexiest female. One of the nominees is Zoe Lucker (Vanessa). Are we that hard up? Tania is about 500 times better looking. Roxy aint even bothered to show up. Tina from Corrie won. She's dressed in gold foil. Tasty. She just looks like a good-looking girl next door to me. She dedicated the award to her mum and dad, presumably for giving her the genes.
Sexiest (I nearly wrote sexist- habit) male next. Sugababes are presenting, well the current heads. Keith Duffy! VILE. Duckworth spawn?! Vile. Maria's wife beater boyfriend? Gross. SYED! Jack Branning. Christian. Syed for the win, please. He's lovely.
Duckworth spawn looks mega sleazy. His low neck JLS-style t-shirts should be banned. OMG Syed wasn't even in the top four! WTF. Nor Christian! Homophobes. David Cameron probably banned it. Ah, Jack just made the genes joke. Nice white jacket. Very Manuel.
Best young performance (ie. most precocious child). Obviously Simon from Corrie must win. Simon did win! LOL. Aw Peter Barlow carried him up. Cute.
Most spectacular scene (ie. biggest explosion) must go to the tram crash. The Eastenders pub fire was farcical. Especially Phil's crackting. Why did the tram make a noise like Godzilla when it came off the tracks? Mentals. I should think it did win after all the £££ they spent on it.
Villain of the year. John Stape! He murders people but he's still not very scary. Lucas! Hell no. Hollyoaks is probably going to win this one.
Tracey aint bothered showing up, either. Not sure who won this, someone from Something I Don't Watch.
Best on-screen partnership. No Steve and Becky? Oh no, there they are. I think Kat and Alfie have a horrible relationship. She treats him like crap. What's she wearing?!
Best newcomer: Fatboy?! He's been in it for years! They are scraping the barrel. Dude from Hollyoaks won it, ffs. He must be good, he won the Villain, too.
Lifetime achievement. Ugh. What old relic's arse are we gonna kiss now? Oh, Jack Duckworth. I hate Jack and I hate Vera. He aint even bothered to show! Aw, Tyrone flew out to give him the award. That was kind of cute.
Best actor. Peter Barlow. Kevin Webster?! Masood! Phil. Shane Richie- ugh. Yeah give it to Peter Barlow! Hmm, they gave it to someone in Emmerdale, yo.
Best comedy performance. Auntie Kim. Mary from Corrie. Are you sure this isn't the annoying award? Paddy McGuiness actually made a funny joke. Where's Tamwar? Norris?
Mary won. I can't stand her character. She's not rooted in reality at all.
Best storyline went to Kevin/Mollygate. Hardly!
Best actress. Carol from Eastenders?! Oh fucking spare me. Zainab?! Ugh. Give it to Becky! Kay won. Why isn't Ronnie nominated for anything? She did all that staring into middle distance SO well.
Ugh, I can't be fucked to watch this anymore. I'm gonna go watch The Apprentice. Eastenders win best soap, right? Like they always do. UNDESERVEDLY. Arseholes.
PS. Best musical score? PEGGY'S THEME.

The National Television Awards 2011

Why the fuck am I watching this, you ask? And do you want the honest answer? I'm bored. I miss my boyfriend (who works nights). I live for 2.30am every Friday night when I finally get to see him, and every week is just drudge in between at the moment. I am so stressed from work and so tired, but I can't get to sleep, so I can't even get away from myself, and I'm surviving on like four hours sleep a night. So that's why I'm watching this. I'm basically delirious.
I thought the show started well, with a strangely compelling duet between Stacey Solomon and Shaun Ryder. Stacey was my favourite when she was on the X Factor, it's a shame she's not singing for a living when plate-faced Matt Cardie is.
In other awards ceremony news, I watched the British Comedy Awards the other night, and there were a few good lols, it was quite bitchy, and I liked the joke Jonathan Ross made about Russell Howard's sleepy eye. I have a little soft spot for Russell Howard since Christmas when my mum made me watch his show.
Anyway. Back to the (anti) matter at hand. I don't mind Dermot; he knows what he's doing. Ah, there's Peter Andre. The cameraman missed a trick not cutting to his face when Dermot alluded to the 'J' word. Anyhoo, must retain that dignified silence.
Holly Willobobo looks massssive. She must be ready to drop. I like her womanly ways.
The notion that I'm a Celebrity is a better programme in any way shape or form than Big Brother is baffling. But then look what channel this show is on.
Eh-heh, Fatboy is up for best newcomer! Double LOL, he won it! And he did clicky fingers thing when he won. Dis rass! And he's going out with that Sugababe. You did good, Arthur.
Something just happened but I don't know what it was cos I fast-forwarded it. At least Shameless didn't win best drama, if I have to look at Tina Malone's face ever again it'll upset my tummy all inside.
OMFG is Peter Andre's the Next Chapter really up for an award? You might as well put my flip videos up for an award- the fridge raider episode was just sublime. Tossers.
Anyone who watched Glee should be struck blind. And deaf. I went off The Inbetweeners, too, TBH. I am such a sour puss.
It's not natural to see Phil Mitchell in a suit smiling and waving at the camera. I hope his crack odyssey wins him an award. That was the shortest drug addiction of all time. Three episodes and it was done. He should go into drugs counselling. Ew, do they have to show that clip of him with snot on his face? Ha, they all look so embarrassed when they show the clips.
Oh god, Louis Spence. Just go back in your box already, you little prat. And don't come out ever AGAIN.
Can't believe Stacey won, what a load of shit! Phil has been in Eastenders for about 20 years, FFS. Lacey didn't seem to speak in 'real life' like Stacey. Mind-boggling. I wonder what Phil would have said in his speech. WE SHALL NEVER KNOW.
Hope Dermot wins best presenter. Ant and Dec get on my last nerve. I think Paul O' Grady is good, too, I like his personality, he's not afraid to stir up a bit of shit. His show is rub, though.
Aw to Davina still crying at clips of Big Brother. I know, Davina. I miss it, too.
Ant and Dec won. Dec is looking more like Brian Dowling by the minute. And the less said about Ant's sixhead, the better. It's getting more like a octohead, and it's putting me off my dins. Simon's speech for them was good. Poor Dermy.
Something about sport. Fast forward. This Morning beat Loose Women, obv. But Jeremy Kyle is the goblin king of daytime. Incidentally, I looked at the Jeremy Kyle Show's Twitter account today and it said 'if you're a mother who's younger than her daughter, get in touch.' WTF? Yeah, get in touch and call the Guinness Book of Records.
Bored as I am, I'm getting really fucking tired of this show. I think I'm gonna hang up my washing then go play on my Xbox. Take that, Dermot.
Ugh, Anne Widdecombe isn't helping matters. I try to avoid personal attacks, but the only think uglier than her face are her views. Yeah you're a virgin because it's a choice. No, it's because no one would touch you with a bargepole, you old bag.
Who or what is Benedict Cumberpatch? It sounds SHIT.
Stephen Fry looks fat again. Too much Twitter. Oh god, a Bruce Forsyth eulogy. Save me. Aw his speech was quite cute actually! Look at his lovely wife. Oh, God, I've gone soft. Quick, fetch my medication.
I don't know much, but I do know that Eastenders isn't a patch on Corrie. If Emmerdale is five, and Eastenders is six, then CORRIE IS SEVEN! Enders aint no good. And especially not right now. (n.b I don't watch Emmerdale, I'm not insane, although I admit, I did see this clip at Christmas with my mum). Hollyoaks! Oh come on, now.
LOL to David Platt shaking his head in disgust when Eastenders won! Even if it's just high-jinks, it's mega funny. David Platt owns you, Eastenders! Ha, I'm not sure it is for the lols, he looks annoyed. That could just be the babydramas though.
Oh, Zainab, I'm not sure you're quite right for that dress, ducks. Why are the homophobic Masoods doing this speech? Get Phil to do it, you arseholes!
Corrie, it should have been you, oh, it should have been you, everybody knows, everybody SAYS SO.
Oh well, at least no one mentioned the dead baby elephant in the room. G'night.

Soap and Ammo: Lord, have Mercy

Typical Corrie; normally the storylines revolve around Ken's tawdry affairs and Norris selling penny sweets; the minute they go all Die Hard, some inadequate goes garrity with a sniper rifle in Cumbria. Result: no Corrie for almost a week. Presumably, the grieving friends and family won't be offended this week. Unless they watch Eastenders.
It is a joy to see Tony's boggle-eye back on the cobbles; even if he is hamming it up somewhat. I like Carla giving it back to him ('under-endowed'!); Carla is one of the best soap characters ever; glamorous, cool, sexy. Why IS she going out with that bin man? It makes less than no sense. How can they keep Tony in the show as a escaped murderer? They can't, can they? He's coming out of that factory in a body bag. Sob.
Oh, and a word on the new credits. Boo. Change the theme tune! Put a drum machine on it.
Gail's trial! Burn the witch. Only Corrie could be so bombastic as to run two such big storylines together; if Eastenders give you a well-written, exciting storyline, they make you eat up a big pile of Heather doing karaoke in between.
Hayley is taking being a hostage extremely well. I'd be gibbering. This siege is not very scary so far. It's like a comedy siege. Ooh, the accomplice just bought it. I take it all back. I HAVE been affected by this storyline.
Talking of which, onto Eastenders. Which storyline have you enjoyed most recently? Ben's personality transplant? The thought of Pat and Peggy's having sex with the same bloke? Liam's maths homework? Fatboy and friends enjoying a sojourn to the countryside? I know, the fun never starts!
This new Zoe Lucker character is good, isn't it! Very well rounded. Mind her handbag, Max. Wow, that romp lasted the same amount of time it too Minty to fit three cliches into one sentence.
I heard they are replacing Lucy Beale with a new actress. My boyfriend will be disappointed, as he fancies the current one. I wish they'd replace the following characters: Lucas & family (including Denise's 'zany' sister), Janine & co, all the Slaters, all the new young ones (except Fatboy), Heather, Minty, wheelchair kid (your mum left, why don't you fuck off), Carol Jackson, Liam Butcher/Jackson, Owen's mum (see wheelchair kid reasoning but replace 'mum' with 'son'), Danny Mitchell, Danny Mitchell's mum. What I'd replace them with? A Syed and Christian year-long special in which they go to Lesbos and live happily ever after.
What the fuck is this Mercy character and her offensive stereotype of an aunt all about? I feel like I've missed something, but actually they just never bothered to write it. Even if they had, I'd rather watch Hamster-girl sing me through the latest Glee covers albums.
I want to see Bianca's Forever Friends nightie. Apparently they are re-writing the Lucas storyline because it's so controversial in light of the massacre. They can barely write something the first time around; I dread to think what the alternate version will be.
Theoretically, this Eastenders lasts the same amount of minutes as Coronation Street, so why does it feel three times as long?
Oh god, please don't stay Mercy. You're fucking useless.
Back to Corrie! Transphobia from Tony! Leave Hayley alone, you monster. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria.
Look at that casual sexism from the Boyzone twat! First trannies, now women. Who's next?
Don't hit Carla, you brute. You'll ruin her hair. I feel I was a little unfair on Eastenders. There are a few characters Tony could happily off for me tonight: Julie, Sean, bin man, Kevin, Kevin's dad, Molly's aunt, Sally, Rosie, Rosie's sister, Maria, Rita, Norris's girlfriend, Emily Bishop, all Windasses, Boyzone dude, Tyrone, Gail, Audrey, Audrey's gigolo, Jason, Chesney, Ashley & Claire & their kids, Jack Duckworth, Jack Duckworth's sugar mum, Liz; I could go on.
This Corrie has been a bit scarier (and more violent) than the first.
How could Tony say Maria was a better lay than Carla? Maria is one step up from an amoeba. It doesn't ring true. Kirk is sexier than her.
Why did Nicky Platt go from trying to avoid that hairdresser to her virtually living there? It seems like they forgot to write the bit after the first date. Storyline fail. I honestly don't miss this this show, so it can't just be me.
TONY. Don't toast the knicker factory. Think of the fumes from all that polyester. Think of the ozone layer. BANG.

Klever Kitchens: A Eulogy

Yes, it's Monday night, soap time! Sorry the 'tainment has been on the quiet side, I'm in the process of moving house, so blogging has been replaced by calling up the council tax people, cleaning the oven and deciding which shoes to throw out. OK, I haven't really cleaned the oven. But I bought some oven cleaner!
TV has been pretty ropey anyway; I feel like the schedulers have forgotten about us; no good documentaries, no decent entertainment. American Idol has been too wishy washy this year, I can't get a handle on who I really like. I watched Dawn Porter's My Breasts Could Kill Me, but it was one of her weaker documentaries, unnecessarily dragged out over two shows, and consisting mainly of her going 'oh I'm really scared!' Zzzz. (you did get to see her boobs though, and they were pretty impressive).
The only programme I've been really getting off on is Celebrity Rehab! Dr Drew is my new idol. Download it! It's Big Brother, but with drug addict celebrities. What more do you want?
Anyway. SOAPS. Corrie has been quite good lately, what with Simon absconding from Blackpool (who could blame him?) Peter Barlow should kick that granddad's arse. I've never thought much of Leanne as a character but she's been quite good lately. Her sad but trying to be brave acting was quite good. Ken should never have let George take that child in the first place!
Jason with his top off! Gratuitous.
I've noticed Tina has looked less orange that usual since she's been grieving, it suits her. She's lost a lot of her chutzpah as a character in recent months though. I preferred her with David.
Gail looks like a Cluedo piece in that roll-neck. Gail on the boat with the puffa jacket. Deadly!
I do fancy Nicky Platt #2 a bit though; even though he's not just as good as Madame Rickett, I have a soft spot for him from when he was in Footballers Wives. I kind of like a jug-eared man from time to time, it's a bit sexy.
Mentions of Ton-eh! Aww I miss Ton-eh. Can't he come back? Acquit him! We need his googly eyed charms. He was ten times sexier than Nicky Platt #1 or #2.
Is Klever Kitchens going to have The Smiths played again as he's sent off into the furnace? He looked like a used car salesman in that photo atop the coffin.
I noticed John Partridge (aka Christian from Enders) slating Sean from Corrie the other day for being a 'tea time gay' (I think that means a gay who doesn't have sex). When DID they make Sean's character so wholly unlikeable? I used to really like his character but now all he seems to do is rubbish one-liners. He's got less depth than Kelly Crabtree.
Rita's back! Oh.
Ooh Kevin was horrible to Molly! Have that baby and leave it on his doorstep. That'll teach him.
Janice is back in her horse fleece! Horse fleece! Horse fleece! I swear she didn't wear it for about three years and now it's back. It was probably preserved in a museum; and rightly so.
Aw I just sobbed my socks off when Simon turned up! I want a Simon. And I hate children!
I'm glad Tina interrupted Gail's speech, it sounded dire. Elephant in the room indeed! That funeral ended a bit like I'd expect one of my own family funerals to end; with a virtual punch-up and someone shouting 'you're a family of freaks!'
Eastenders, on the other hand, has been dire. Somehow they managed to fluke a fairly decent live episode (except for Jack Branning bleating something about 'the public' by accident- projecting much?) but since then it's been dire; Max's search for Bradley's shoes, the return of Carol (and her puffa jacket- looks a bit like Gail's actually) and (god help us) the grime night. Even Dizzy gave that schtick up around 2002. Also, it feels like it's been snowing for about three weeks. Continuity fail.
Roxy's staff can't come in because of the snow? What, can't Chelsea walk 15 foot across the square? 85% of her staff live UPSTAIRS.
As for enfant dullard Danny Mitchell; what is the point? Take your 90s haircut and piss off to Hollyoaks.
Oh god and I forgot about Billy's 'friends' from Balham; some more well-rounded, 3-dimensional black characters from the Eastenders storyboard. INNIT.
Sorry I fell asleep there at the 'Ian's dirty washing' storyline. As for Lucy Beale's pregnancy; I couldn't give two shits. Where is Syed? Where is Christian? Why can't we just have a two-hander with them in?
God, now the 'gardening' storyline. This is interminable!
Ah, Corrie again. Suddenly Kevin wants to see Molly! Is it any wonder women use babies as currency in sex wars; they make good currency. They're a good bartering tool.
Peter vs George! Fight! Fight! Fight! Peter dealt with him quite nicely. It was more than he deserved. Not much to chew on in that second episode, really.
KEVIN. Change your jacket! Molly. Abort. Goodnight.

TV: Soap and Gory

It's about time I did a soap blog, and I can't let the demise of Klever Kitchens pass by without comment. Corrie has been great lately, particularly Peter Barlow's sudden and spectacular fall from grace last week. I liked it when he went starry eyed and said drinking was like 'coming home'. But why did they call that bar 'The Joinery'? Surely it was crying out to be called 'Bar Lows'. No sorry doesn't help, Peter. Leanne, leave him! Get rid.
Gail, I shouldn't worry about David having a party whilst you're away, he had one friend, and that was kebab kid.
Why is Klever Kitchens always pulling that face like his dog's just died? Oh, because he's married to Gail. Why does no one notice that he keeps giving them suicide speeches? When someone starts telling me how they've always cared whatever happens, how much they love me, and to look after myself until I see them again, I immediately search their bag for the Nytol, some opiates or a handgun.
That rich granddad is going to try and squirrel Simon away! Bad man. Ken was right all along. Peter is just skulking round corners smoking fags all episode.
Klever Kitchen's debt collector looks like the late Liam Connor. He's too dishy to be scary. I preferred the debt collector who was chasing Phil Mitchell recently, giving it all 'to wit, Mr Mitchell' and wearing a trenchcoat.
Klever Kitchens admitted he was inspired by 'canoe guy'! Did he read about that on Voggle? Joe, the filth are going to be poring through your internet records! You should have gone to the internet cafe like all the other criminals do. Amateur.
And now an interlude into the pointless doom cloud than is Eastenders. Do you care who killed Archie? Do you REALLY? I care more about Dr Al's friends from Cornwall who wanted to meet Roxy. We never saw any evidence of any such friends, and shortly after, he pootled off in his twatmobile, having never been given a bigger storyline than changing his hairstyle from slick to fringy, and once helping Heather with something boring. Brilliant work, Eastenders scriptwriters, just super.
Talking of brilliant, aren't you enjoying the grim groundhog day quality of the love affair that is Stacey and Bradley? I'm sure you enjoyed the 2 days that they were actually happy in between the dopey girlfriend going back to New Zealand and Stacey revealing she got pregnant by rape. Endless giggles, I'm sure.
DI Marsden listening to Lionel Richie was just inspired. Who writes this stuff? Give them some sort of award, quick!
I like the return of Billy, Bianca's brother, but only because he's played by the same actor. Remember his pre-pubescent androgyny? His afro? What's he been doing all these years in between, that's what I want to know. Peculiarly, he seems to be able to act. Rare for this show, I know.
OMG Sonia! She slipped back in like Sunita in Corrie, like she'd never been gone. Where's Robbie?
Urgh, there's those numpties from that spin off show, which I suffered through for no particular reason. I can never get those braincells back, bruv. Just go away.
Where's Syed??? Where's Christian? How DID Syed get it up in the end, that's what I want to know. I'll give the scriptwriters something; the wedding episodes were top notch. So why do they give us all this shit 3 times a week? Can't they get someone decent to write it at least once a week? Do they really have to only get decent writers in on national holidays?
Hen nights are never something that Eastenders does well. They are listening to Moon Safari by Air! What year is this?! This is the ropiest collection of 'hens' since KFCs farms got raided for cruelty. And that joke was really laboured, I'm sorry, I've had a long day.
That stripper guy is quite fit, but I still want those characters to piss off. Besides, he looks underage.
Bradley said 'you wouldn't let it lie!' I hate Bradley's now! He's leaving, isn't he? Fuck off to Holloway, I mean, Hollywood. Oh, no, I got it right first time... Christ, look at the colour of his face. And his tank top. Give me Max any day of the week.
Hmm, my TV decided not to bother taping the second Corrie. Thanks TV. How I love the ITV catch up player, it's so easy to use! *cough*.
I want to know what's in Klever Kitchen's survival pack! Rubber ring? Tin foil blankee? Fireworks? Honestly, Gail will put up with anything from this dude! She needs to change her taste in men.
Talking of which, Peter Barlow, no one cares when you're down in the gutter! Aw, Simon is SO cute! He almost makes me want to have children. But not really. No wonder that granddad wants to snatch him away. He's probably doing some genetic experiment on him.
What's the bet the nosy neighbours are going to see something they shouldn't? Ah, they did. OMG Klever Kitchens threw her on the floor! What a catch he is! Just let him go, Gail. The man is a menace to society.
Why is Gail still rocking that old Nokia? Is it nostalgia night? Why do they only have phones from 1995 and music from the early 2000s in the soaps tonight? What next, Simon feeding his Tamagotchi whilst listening to Moby?
Ooh, look at the moon! How moving. What next, a 'Gail Force' wind? That's the second husband she's sent to a watery grave. No indie pop hits this time around? I enjoyed the Wannadies as Richard Hillman drove into the canal. They could have dug out some more Moz for Joe. Aw Klever Kitchen's has lost his dinghy. This dude is born to lose. His phone, by contrast, looks quite snazzy. Perhaps he should have took it down cash converters. Oh well, at least we won't have to look at that expression any more. My favourite Klever Kitchen moment was when he smashed up the surgery after listening to The Smiths of course. RIP.
I hate Boyzone dude! He can't act! Get rid of him. I blame him for Peter's demise. Look, he's aiding and abetting sharing a beer with him!
Anyway, we decided the other night that instead of killing off Blanche's character, they should have her send an acerbic postcard every few months, giving us her thoughts on what her family and neighbours have been up to. I'd love to see her thoughts on Peter's latest fuck up. You could even animate it. Now THAT is a spin off show.

Mondays: Soap on a Mope

How can Eastenders get more viewers than Corrie? Seriously, lately it has been beyond painful. It is an ordeal watching it. Mind you, this is a nation that (allegedly) finds Horne and Corden funny, so there's no accounting for taste.
Enders! I thought they dragged out the Max and Stacey frown-fest long enough but this Ronnie/twitchy Danielle/Archie thing is interminable. It's like self harm for the brain. I HATE ARCHIE! Argh! He's awful! The storyline just makes me angry. No one on earth could be that much of a cunt, except maybe George Lamb. Ahem. I know he's only a character but he's just so irritating and bile-inducing: AND his radio show is shit (sorry, that joke was so bad even Ian Hyland in the News of the World would have balked at it).
Bad day at work? Why not depress yourself further and stare at Billy's green walls. Why not listen to Stacey's mum shrieking and not dying, no matter how hard you pray she will? Why not get screamed at by Bianca?
And if the relentless doom and gloom doesn't tickle your fancy, why not go for a bit of bona-fide boredom? Ah, here's Peggy's election campaign. Here's Patrick/ Chelsea/ Chelsea's boyfriend with the enormous sixhead. Where the fuck is Phil Mitchell? Even him giving Shirley one would be something (god, I AM desperate for storylines). They've even made Roxy boring (will she ever visit I-Beefa again?), and Christian hasn't been seen for weeks. perhaps he's off having some sterotypical gay fun somewhere. I wish we could watch (not all of it, admittedly).
Want some comedy? Try Corrie then because contrary to the script-writers misguided belief, Ian Beale, the Masoods and Heather are NOT FUNNY. AT ALL! Masala Queen? Just fuck off.
How about totty? Er... there IS NONE. Why am I watching this again? I swear off it every few months, but I just can't escape the E20 matrix. Argh! I'm stuck in Groundhog day, just like Danielle.
Corrie, on the other hand, has had some exceptionally good one liners lately. The writing has been top class (although Becky and Steve's wedding was a bit painful, and Becky overacted badly, but the restaurant scene the other night was really good). There are also lots of good new characters (although Luke Strong is killing my fond memories of Queer as Folk!) and good humourous storylines. I like David Platt's mate with the funny voice especially. It was also a masterstroke keeping Tony in, who is looking hotter by the day (I know, it's not right, but it feels it on occasion).
Minor gripes: what is the POINT in Liam's friend, the Lad Rags dude? He seems endlessly dull, is Tony going to off him or something? Also, what is the point in Liz's friend in the pub? And as for Dev's uncle: Jesus! There's definitely a bit of chaff knocking around, make no mistake.
Hold on, kebab boy just said Tesco, instead of Freshco! Has the subliminal advertising begun already?
PS: Klever kitchens guy makes me depressed.
PPS: I like Peter's child Simon, he's mega cute and looks like he should be in an Enid Blyton book. But don't tell anyone I said that. People will talk!

Corrie/ Enders: Waste of Paint

It's not often Corrie quotes Bright Eyes but it's fun when it does- Becky to Jason: 'you're a waste of paint!' I LOVED Becky's decline tonight; and she was right, Jason is too thick for her and he deserves whiney little Sarah Platt. I loved her complaining she spent seven quid on a candle before throwing it at him as he left. She seemed to have had her highlights done at some point between the first and second episode, and she looked cool when she leapt over the bar to beat the shit out of Jason. I loved her totally going nuclear and stealing someone's purse and smashing a window and then Steve Macdonald accidentally humping her. Her self-destruction seemed oddly realistic and genuinely heartbreaking at the end.
Also, how ungrateful is that bookie guy? Leanne is buying the betting shop for him and he goes out on the pull? Cock. As for Lian and Carla: I must have missed the episode where he had a brain transplant.
Enders was nowhere NEAR as good; Archie is too simple a bully; and would Peggy stand for it? This is a woman famous for her feuds. What's up with that guy who fancies Christian? He's a bit creepy, I think he's just after dirt on Ronnie. Christian, you're too good for him! I cant stand that woman dating Phil either; she's pointless and annoying. The only good thing is the paedo storyline. Whitney is excellent.
Final scores: Corrie 1- Enders-0.