X Factor: Union Jaded

'Tonight, one act will be going home. FACT.' Who would you name as 'Britain's finest global superstar?' Apparently it's Robbie Williams. Does the globe know? He's not had a hit in a decade, FFS, and even when he did, his songs were interminable, lightweight bits of unlistenable shit. Global superstar, my arse. Global supercunt, more like. Bodies in the Bodhi tree! Shame it wasn't his.
Rylan sang his line in this opening song better than one quarter of Union J did. WTF is this song? You can see why some people hate music, can't you? Perhaps Phil Mitchell had a point after all. This song has got a lot of 'youuuuuuuuuu' in it, bring in Brian Molko, do it justice.
My friend made a good point yesterday that 'straight' Jahmene changed the pronoun in his song, but lesbian Jade had to sing a pervy song about a man and not change the pronoun. Boo. Double standards.
I don't know about this Fun band. I've heard of them but never heard them play, so let's see. Oh shit, it's like The Feeling or something, right? No fun! Aren't they a bit... 'instrumenty' for the X Factor? Are they foreign? Oh, is it like Mumford and Sons? He's got the braces. It's indie for people who don't like indie, isn't it? Luckily I was a bit behind so go to forward through half of that. I win!
Dermot introduced Robbie Williams as a 'loveable cheeky chappie.' I love him like I love catching gonorrhea. OMG is he wearing a purple rollneck? He looks fat as fuck. This song is worse than I could have ever imagined. 'Ring a ring a roses'?! This is fucking embarrassing. Lapdancing Louis isn't going to help. Liam Gallagher must be sitting at home with All Saint #3 giggling like Spongebob. Rylan is better than this load of balls. Unbearable.
HA, Gary Barlow helped 'co-write' that song. He must hate Robbie even more than he lets on. Has Robbie got a girdle on? Ugh, just get off my screen, you fucking mess. Go and eat your way through your hard-earned millions overseas, out of my line of vision.
Yes, Rylan is through, AGAIN! OMG, Christopher got more votes than Jade and Union J. He's harder to get rid of than herpes (I'll try and squeeze a third STD into my blog before the end if poss). I'm amazed District3 got more votes than Union J, Union J are far superior.
Who IS voting for Christopher? Even Gary seemed surprised. I reckon Union J are quite shocked to be in the bottom 2. Mind you, I'M shocked they're in the bottom two. I like this song they're singing. Is it Pink? Someone did it on The Voice once and it was brill. They seem a bit half hearted and broken. They look like they're going to cry. Dermot looks like he's going to cry. I like the way the other one in the bottom two stands grimly hugging Dermot. Aw, they're all crying. Aw, look at Louis's little face. I do hope they stay, but it's a shame for Jade, bless her.
Jade is singing Dido. Two members of Union J are having an emotional breakdown in the background. I'm finding her voice a little reedy tonight. It's a shame, neither deserve to be in the bottom. I like Jade's make-up, she looks good. See; it's always when they give them these pastel rinses they fuck up; look at what happened to Amelia Lily.
Ah, we didn't even get deadlock; Jade's a goner. Shame, she didn't deserve it. Why is she in those awful dungarees? She looks like she's about to paint the house. Oh well, at least she can go do the school run again now. I will miss watching her. Especially when I have to look at Mr Pumpkin head for another week. LOL Dermot mentioned the school run! I'm glad I'm never having children, so I can never just be defined by just one part of me. Women can do two things at once! On a good day, even three. Good night! PS: crabs.

X Factor: Fright night

What was she for Halloween? The ugliest girl you've ever seen. Someday she will die alone. So says Courtney Love, and who are we to argue?
OMFG. What has Nicole come as? She looks like a Yeti. I think I preferred her prostitute/dominatrix look that was on the Daily Mail website earlier this week.Gary didn't look too impressed when Nicole waved her arse in his face. Mind you, not much impresses Gary. He's worse than Shania Twain or Sheryl Crow or whoever sings that shit. I think Louis should have come in full Count Dracula regalia with blood dripping from his gob. It would suit him.
Lucy's not well and can't sing? It's not like she really SINGS anyway. That is a shame though, as I do like seeing what she does each week.
Kye's up first, singing Robbie Williams' Let Me Entertain You. LOL, Gary was jealous when this song came out. Tragic. Imagine how low you'd have to be to be jealous of that frog-faced talentless fuck Robbie Williams. I'd rather be fat Gary Barlow, on my uppers and smoking a spliff than that rubbery egotistical bag of shit. I hate Robbie Williams more than anyone on the planet, and that includes Chris Brown.
Robbie looks washed up, but then he's looked washed up for about 15 years now. Anyway, what's Let me entertain you got to do with Halloween, apart from Robbie having the face of a fright mask? I think Kye might have slashed rubber trousers on. He kind of did a Harry Hill ending but not quite. He's definitely got his Kyeliner on tonight. 'Louis' little hand tapping away' is not an image any of us want in our heads.
Are you buying all these girls screaming for Union J-cloth? Me neither. Union J have come over a bit R-Pattz... wooden and chalky white. Another song I've never heard. This is what happens when you get old. I think I'm starting to fancy the gay one. The Barry Styles one makes me feel a bit Jimmy Savile. It's not right for a grown woman to fancy that one.
Tulisa's styling isn't right for her as usual. They always do her too old looking. She's a young woman! I'm almost wishing for the straw yellow hair again. Gary is disappearing behind a wall of dry ice. Not permanently, sadly. It would be good to deep freeze him, though. Then accidentally switch the plug off.
Ooh Rylan's on early. You can see his ginger beard regrowth. I like Robbie liking Rylan just to wind Gary up. I see Lucy was well enough to party at Rylan's party. I like Rylan white blonde! He should go back to blonde.
Toxic is a good song choice! Even Gary's smiling. He looks good, I like his styling. Oh not another medley. LOL to him waving his crotch in Gary's face. Gary's getting all the crotch action tonight. Gary loved it! That was very enjoyable. Louis: 'you remind me of a young Jean Paul Gautier.' Hilarious. Just brilliant.
Ella looks cool when she just styles herself. I like the way she has her hair and the clothes she wears. Robbie: I was a muppet at 16.' Er... who's gonna tell him?
I like Ella's vampire garb. Is she singing Evanescence? Crikey! That's almost alternative. I fucking hate them, obviously. She sounds a bit... flat? Oh just shut up, you're only 16. Ella will be in the final 3, doesn't matter what she does. Nicole is right, it was in the wrong key. The normal key is nails down a blackboard.
What's Christopher coming as, a pumpkin? He'll have to tone down his make-up a bit, boom boom. He's got his coat on. I'm surprised he hasn't got a sparkler in the go. Someone's shining a torch at him. Not sure why. Tulisa looks grim-faced. I'll say one thing; it's a lot better than last week, much less cheesy. LOL, another Harry Hill ending! He's making them his own.
I think Gary needs to get a restraining order against Nicole, she's like a drunk aunt at a wedding (sorry, that cliche is more overused than...) Louis: 'you remind me of Tony Christie.' Fucking hell, Louis, change the record.
OMG to Gary's comment about Tulisa's 'fag ash breath' - that is well below the belt! Really horrible man. Totally uncalled for. I hope says sorry after the break. People going 'oh he owned her' or whatever are so off, because to 'own' someone you need some class and humour; neither of which he has. I'll take fag ash breath over humourless cunt breath any day.
UGH The Other Boy Band are doing STING dressed up like the rapists of Clockwork Orange. That's double sexual terrorism right there.
Tulisa looks like she's been crying. I'd be struggling to keep my composure after than onslaught. Gary should have more respect for himself than humiliating a woman on TV like that, what a prize prick.
Jahmene has been hanging out with Samuel L Jackson. Well, that's pretty cool. Beats hanging out with Daniel Craig. I wonder if he got a free Kangol hat to take home. Is there a greater film on earth than Snakes on a Plane?
Jahmene is singing Killing Me Softly. I hate it when people change the pronouns in songs, just leave it as 'his', not her! It's so dumb. Morrissey wouldn't approve. Wouldn't want anyone to think little Jahmene was gay, would we? *snigger*. This song is no good without Wyclef on it. And it's shit with him on it. I don't rate Jahmene and if he wins it will be the most boring thing on the planet. Vocal acrobatics can fuck off.
I quite like Jade doing the Sugababes. Is it the Sugababes? Oh, she did the school run again. Well done. I thought Jade was a bit flat. She looks good, though.
James up last! He's getting to hang around with Labyrinth. Is David Bowie there? James always looks like he's got lovely curly mascara on. I miss his old Deirdre Barlow glasses. They have saddled him with Sweet Dreams. No one wants to do Annie Lennox. There's weird satanic cult stuff going on; don't tell the West Memphis police department. He is doing this quite well; Marylin Manson style. Best performance of the night IMO. The flappy arm is out again. And the teeth! I love the fact he won't let them do his teeth. He's looking a bit chubby this week. I still would. He's sexy. He's worth 17,000 of Jahmene. I like the way he's always so dour. He's like Aiden Grimshaw but just a bit less pretty.
PS. This just in from my friend on Facebook of Sir Gary Barlow: 'I know someone who went to school with him and she said he was an absolute cretin and a weirdo and no one would talk to him and he would just make mixtapes all day.' What was on the mixtapes? Someone call up Xtra Factor and find out!

The X Factor: RIP Bellamy

Bon Jovi! Bad medicine is what I need. My mum will be enjoying this. Let's take bets on if John's hair is real or not. I think it's about as real as Brian Molko's. In fact their band logo looks a bit like the Placebo wings.
I'm trying to think of something more embarrassing that this but can't.
Richie Sambora/ Johnny Marr- I can't tell them apart.
Has Richie Sambora got a Halloween mask on? WTF has he pumped into his face! JBJ still looks good for his age, though. I used to LURVE him when I was 11.
Ugh, the return of the space cowboy. Just what nobody wanted. My favourite all time Jamiroqui moment was when he got headbutted by that photographer. Happy days. He's like the bastard son of Aphex Twin and the Cat in the Hat. Just fuck off. I mean, who likes this kind of music? If you find a fan of his do them a favour and break their neck gently in their sleep.
'I've had reservations about coming on the show'- what a cocky arsehole. It's not like you have any credibility to lose. He's not fit to do backing dancing for Cheryl Cole.
Rihanna. Couldn't be arsed to go to her 'best friend's' wedding, but time to mime on the X Factor. I hope I can one day have a friendship that strong.
Rihanna's got all shit dancey beats all over her songs like Katy Perry now. Actually she's not miming. I can't tell you how I noticed that.
She does look good though. I like her look generally, she's all mismatched. I'm not even gonna comment on that 'food fight'.
Boo- don't want Katie in the bottom two- want it to be Treyc! What is Katie wearing? Will she ever sort her hair out? You decide.
Belle Amie should go on the basis of how they sung last night, they were DIRE.
Oh an advert for a Bon Jovi gig. What a coincidence!
That blonde one in Belle Amie looks like their mum. I like the red haired one. This chorus is screechy. Can we get rid of them now?
Katie's singing was ten billion times better than Belle Amie's. End of story.
Deadlock! Let's see if Belle Amie are less popular than Katie. YES! LOL. Katie was better!
DEADLOCK FTW.

The Axe Factor - Haunted by you

I'm meant to be at a Halloween party dressed as half of Jedward tonight but I'm still not fully well. So someone else is being John. Or Edward. I'm as interchangeable as they are. Mind you, at the same party last year I drank two bottles of cheap champagne and hurled in the bath, so maybe it's for the best.
I can't really be arsed with Halloween. What's the point? You don't get presents or a day off. I like my holidays self-indulgent.
Liking Simon's fangs! Sexy times. Why aren't Cheryl and Dannii done up goth-style?
Mary has borrowed Alfie's moon for the night. Could it be magic? No.
Aiden 2nd! What is there to look forward to after that? Ooh the guyliner. The clock going backwards. He's not looking up today. I think he's compelling every time he's on that stage. Kept expecting the dancers to move though!
Now Aiden knows how it feels when MEN go 'smile love!' patronisingly to women on the street. Sucks, doesn't it.
Belle Amie sound badly out of tune tonight. Woo! This song isn't spooky. WTF is Simon on?! They were completely out of tune.
Rebecca is doing Chris Isaacs. How is this scary? Is it cos it has the word 'wicked' in it? Should have done Jungle is Massive instead. I like her lipstick. Oh the old 'world class' comment.
Treyc. Take That again- so I guess she can't blame the song if she goes out. I'm not sure if I hate could it be magic more than relight my fire. Don't talk back to Dannii, minion.
Matt is doing Bleeding Love. I've got an indie cover of it, I can't remember who it's by, though. He sounds like he's spluttering all over that mic. Perhaps he's adding in a bit of beatbox. Dannii is being quite fiesty tonight.
Louis still can't get Wagner's name right. This is the song the judges come onto at the start! What's it going to turn into? Bat out of hell! Lawks. Don't save us from those flames.
Paige! I just don't like his voice. I actually like Back to Black but he didn't do it justice whatsoever. I see Dannii is modelling herself on Dr Foster from Lie to Me in the VT clips this week. Well done if you got this reference at home (as Richard would say on Pointless).
The Daily Mail interviewed Katie's mum this week and titled the article something like 'Why does everyone hate Katie Weasel?' NICE! Honestly, as if going through Cherie Blair's bins wasn't enough.
Well Katie looks good but I have no idea what this song is. Woo! Her beehive has got it's own co-ordinates this week. I like her make-up, it's cool. I've always liked her. Being obnoxious and different isn't a bad thing.
Being One Direction is. TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES. Wow, this song is a tune. Their make up is a bit duff but I fancy some red mascara. Liking the drum machine. This is actually ace. That shouldn't have worked... but it did. The dark-haired one is a fittie.
OMFG I am psychic! I guessed Cher was going to do this song! I used to have this on tape. How did I guess that?! It must have been the moon in the video. My boyfriend is totally unimpressed I just guessed this out of about a trillion songs.
She sounds a little shaky but not too bad. I think she's proved her mettle. Cher's gone Kate Bush. I like her eyeshadow and her goth nightie, it's cute. She's gone for the full Tim Burton this week. Used to love this song so much. The rest of the album was duff, though.
Simon, it's not a 'season', it's a 'series', dear. That was NOT better than Aiden. Sowwee.
Belle Amie or Wagner to go tomorrow. Right; I'm off on my broomstick.