X Factor: Union Jaded

'Tonight, one act will be going home. FACT.' Who would you name as 'Britain's finest global superstar?' Apparently it's Robbie Williams. Does the globe know? He's not had a hit in a decade, FFS, and even when he did, his songs were interminable, lightweight bits of unlistenable shit. Global superstar, my arse. Global supercunt, more like. Bodies in the Bodhi tree! Shame it wasn't his.
Rylan sang his line in this opening song better than one quarter of Union J did. WTF is this song? You can see why some people hate music, can't you? Perhaps Phil Mitchell had a point after all. This song has got a lot of 'youuuuuuuuuu' in it, bring in Brian Molko, do it justice.
My friend made a good point yesterday that 'straight' Jahmene changed the pronoun in his song, but lesbian Jade had to sing a pervy song about a man and not change the pronoun. Boo. Double standards.
I don't know about this Fun band. I've heard of them but never heard them play, so let's see. Oh shit, it's like The Feeling or something, right? No fun! Aren't they a bit... 'instrumenty' for the X Factor? Are they foreign? Oh, is it like Mumford and Sons? He's got the braces. It's indie for people who don't like indie, isn't it? Luckily I was a bit behind so go to forward through half of that. I win!
Dermot introduced Robbie Williams as a 'loveable cheeky chappie.' I love him like I love catching gonorrhea. OMG is he wearing a purple rollneck? He looks fat as fuck. This song is worse than I could have ever imagined. 'Ring a ring a roses'?! This is fucking embarrassing. Lapdancing Louis isn't going to help. Liam Gallagher must be sitting at home with All Saint #3 giggling like Spongebob. Rylan is better than this load of balls. Unbearable.
HA, Gary Barlow helped 'co-write' that song. He must hate Robbie even more than he lets on. Has Robbie got a girdle on? Ugh, just get off my screen, you fucking mess. Go and eat your way through your hard-earned millions overseas, out of my line of vision.
Yes, Rylan is through, AGAIN! OMG, Christopher got more votes than Jade and Union J. He's harder to get rid of than herpes (I'll try and squeeze a third STD into my blog before the end if poss). I'm amazed District3 got more votes than Union J, Union J are far superior.
Who IS voting for Christopher? Even Gary seemed surprised. I reckon Union J are quite shocked to be in the bottom 2. Mind you, I'M shocked they're in the bottom two. I like this song they're singing. Is it Pink? Someone did it on The Voice once and it was brill. They seem a bit half hearted and broken. They look like they're going to cry. Dermot looks like he's going to cry. I like the way the other one in the bottom two stands grimly hugging Dermot. Aw, they're all crying. Aw, look at Louis's little face. I do hope they stay, but it's a shame for Jade, bless her.
Jade is singing Dido. Two members of Union J are having an emotional breakdown in the background. I'm finding her voice a little reedy tonight. It's a shame, neither deserve to be in the bottom. I like Jade's make-up, she looks good. See; it's always when they give them these pastel rinses they fuck up; look at what happened to Amelia Lily.
Ah, we didn't even get deadlock; Jade's a goner. Shame, she didn't deserve it. Why is she in those awful dungarees? She looks like she's about to paint the house. Oh well, at least she can go do the school run again now. I will miss watching her. Especially when I have to look at Mr Pumpkin head for another week. LOL Dermot mentioned the school run! I'm glad I'm never having children, so I can never just be defined by just one part of me. Women can do two things at once! On a good day, even three. Good night! PS: crabs.

X Factor: Fright night

What was she for Halloween? The ugliest girl you've ever seen. Someday she will die alone. So says Courtney Love, and who are we to argue?
OMFG. What has Nicole come as? She looks like a Yeti. I think I preferred her prostitute/dominatrix look that was on the Daily Mail website earlier this week.Gary didn't look too impressed when Nicole waved her arse in his face. Mind you, not much impresses Gary. He's worse than Shania Twain or Sheryl Crow or whoever sings that shit. I think Louis should have come in full Count Dracula regalia with blood dripping from his gob. It would suit him.
Lucy's not well and can't sing? It's not like she really SINGS anyway. That is a shame though, as I do like seeing what she does each week.
Kye's up first, singing Robbie Williams' Let Me Entertain You. LOL, Gary was jealous when this song came out. Tragic. Imagine how low you'd have to be to be jealous of that frog-faced talentless fuck Robbie Williams. I'd rather be fat Gary Barlow, on my uppers and smoking a spliff than that rubbery egotistical bag of shit. I hate Robbie Williams more than anyone on the planet, and that includes Chris Brown.
Robbie looks washed up, but then he's looked washed up for about 15 years now. Anyway, what's Let me entertain you got to do with Halloween, apart from Robbie having the face of a fright mask? I think Kye might have slashed rubber trousers on. He kind of did a Harry Hill ending but not quite. He's definitely got his Kyeliner on tonight. 'Louis' little hand tapping away' is not an image any of us want in our heads.
Are you buying all these girls screaming for Union J-cloth? Me neither. Union J have come over a bit R-Pattz... wooden and chalky white. Another song I've never heard. This is what happens when you get old. I think I'm starting to fancy the gay one. The Barry Styles one makes me feel a bit Jimmy Savile. It's not right for a grown woman to fancy that one.
Tulisa's styling isn't right for her as usual. They always do her too old looking. She's a young woman! I'm almost wishing for the straw yellow hair again. Gary is disappearing behind a wall of dry ice. Not permanently, sadly. It would be good to deep freeze him, though. Then accidentally switch the plug off.
Ooh Rylan's on early. You can see his ginger beard regrowth. I like Robbie liking Rylan just to wind Gary up. I see Lucy was well enough to party at Rylan's party. I like Rylan white blonde! He should go back to blonde.
Toxic is a good song choice! Even Gary's smiling. He looks good, I like his styling. Oh not another medley. LOL to him waving his crotch in Gary's face. Gary's getting all the crotch action tonight. Gary loved it! That was very enjoyable. Louis: 'you remind me of a young Jean Paul Gautier.' Hilarious. Just brilliant.
Ella looks cool when she just styles herself. I like the way she has her hair and the clothes she wears. Robbie: I was a muppet at 16.' Er... who's gonna tell him?
I like Ella's vampire garb. Is she singing Evanescence? Crikey! That's almost alternative. I fucking hate them, obviously. She sounds a bit... flat? Oh just shut up, you're only 16. Ella will be in the final 3, doesn't matter what she does. Nicole is right, it was in the wrong key. The normal key is nails down a blackboard.
What's Christopher coming as, a pumpkin? He'll have to tone down his make-up a bit, boom boom. He's got his coat on. I'm surprised he hasn't got a sparkler in the go. Someone's shining a torch at him. Not sure why. Tulisa looks grim-faced. I'll say one thing; it's a lot better than last week, much less cheesy. LOL, another Harry Hill ending! He's making them his own.
I think Gary needs to get a restraining order against Nicole, she's like a drunk aunt at a wedding (sorry, that cliche is more overused than...) Louis: 'you remind me of Tony Christie.' Fucking hell, Louis, change the record.
OMG to Gary's comment about Tulisa's 'fag ash breath' - that is well below the belt! Really horrible man. Totally uncalled for. I hope says sorry after the break. People going 'oh he owned her' or whatever are so off, because to 'own' someone you need some class and humour; neither of which he has. I'll take fag ash breath over humourless cunt breath any day.
UGH The Other Boy Band are doing STING dressed up like the rapists of Clockwork Orange. That's double sexual terrorism right there.
Tulisa looks like she's been crying. I'd be struggling to keep my composure after than onslaught. Gary should have more respect for himself than humiliating a woman on TV like that, what a prize prick.
Jahmene has been hanging out with Samuel L Jackson. Well, that's pretty cool. Beats hanging out with Daniel Craig. I wonder if he got a free Kangol hat to take home. Is there a greater film on earth than Snakes on a Plane?
Jahmene is singing Killing Me Softly. I hate it when people change the pronouns in songs, just leave it as 'his', not her! It's so dumb. Morrissey wouldn't approve. Wouldn't want anyone to think little Jahmene was gay, would we? *snigger*. This song is no good without Wyclef on it. And it's shit with him on it. I don't rate Jahmene and if he wins it will be the most boring thing on the planet. Vocal acrobatics can fuck off.
I quite like Jade doing the Sugababes. Is it the Sugababes? Oh, she did the school run again. Well done. I thought Jade was a bit flat. She looks good, though.
James up last! He's getting to hang around with Labyrinth. Is David Bowie there? James always looks like he's got lovely curly mascara on. I miss his old Deirdre Barlow glasses. They have saddled him with Sweet Dreams. No one wants to do Annie Lennox. There's weird satanic cult stuff going on; don't tell the West Memphis police department. He is doing this quite well; Marylin Manson style. Best performance of the night IMO. The flappy arm is out again. And the teeth! I love the fact he won't let them do his teeth. He's looking a bit chubby this week. I still would. He's sexy. He's worth 17,000 of Jahmene. I like the way he's always so dour. He's like Aiden Grimshaw but just a bit less pretty.
PS. This just in from my friend on Facebook of Sir Gary Barlow: 'I know someone who went to school with him and she said he was an absolute cretin and a weirdo and no one would talk to him and he would just make mixtapes all day.' What was on the mixtapes? Someone call up Xtra Factor and find out!