Someone ticked 'blah' for my last blog so I'd better up my game. BLAH was it! Blah? Well thanks for your thoughts, Christopher Maloney/ Christopher Maloney's nan. Thanks very much indeed. Dermot didn't even do his dance tonight!
Gary Barlow keeps introducing Christopher like he's a nuclear war. In other news, Christopher claims to be 34 and straight.
Don't get me wrong, he did sing that song well, but it's just such a cheesy song. He was shaking like a leaf. So are the judges all being told to be nice to him in a change of strategy this week to stop him getting sympathy votes? Tulisa begrudgingly said he was good, like she was announcing a cancer diagnosis. Louis trying to shift some Westlife units. Give it up, FFS. That dog is dead. He's right though, Christopher would be good on stage... then I never have to see him again. The only judge I like is Nicole, and a year ago I never thought I'd say that. Tulisa is now so dour she's making James Arthur look charasmatic.
How long before I miss Rylan? I miss him every second! I notice that pug-faced prick Kirk Norcross was slagging Rylan off this week. 'Karma' for Kirk would be being devoured by a pack of sexist dogs. Rylan has more charm, humour and heart in his eyebrow than Kirk has in his entire ancestry.
Aw, sad about Jahmene's brother who killed himself because of his mum's abusive relationship. Those must have been some seriously hairy times. Come on Jahmene, start crying. He sounded a bit flat, but I think it's because he's emotional. I do feel very, very sad for what happened to him; and sad for every woman and child being terrorised at a man's hands right now. If you can support domestic violence charities, please do, because the Tories are taking away women's refuges with all the heartlessness of the empathy-chip missing lizard bastards they are. Was sweet when Nicole and Gary were crying and very genuine. Aw, that was heartbreaking when he said, 'I feel like I let go of something.' No child should ever have to go through that. And any woman who is staying with a man right now 'for the sake of the kids' - look at what it does. Just look.
Union J haven't even got a sob story. I don't know what this song is. I found that one of their most boring performances so far. They are very vulnerable this week, what with the Maloney juggernaught, Jahmene's genuine sob story, and James Arthur and his magical teeth. It could be a all boys final.
Why is James Arthur sneering backstage? Perhaps he's just had his new dentures put in. James loving his siblings isn't a very good sob story.
James is doing U2. I hope it's a medley and he's gonna bust out a bit of Lemon in the middle. I don't like what he's wearing either. I'm not sure what he's doing with this, it's like a gospel version but it sounds all over the place.
Louis's comment: 'this time next year you're going to have three or four albums out.' They're not going to be very well-written, are they? Nicole is trying to steal Christopher's northern vote. Good tactics.
Nicole's first audition looked dreadful! I don't think Jahmene should do the song he sang at the first audition - it's cheating! I wish they'd let James Arthur sing his own song. Nicole's comments... 'dot dot dot... get out of here.' WTF? Can we get subtitles when she's on? I can't help liking her though; argh!
Christopher is doing a song from this millennium! Clocks everywhere... is it Chico time? (we wish) Clocked off. I wouldn't call Michael Buble 'modern'. He's not singing this very well, I think it only works when he's belting things out. My boyfriend thinks this is part of Gary's strategy to get sympathy again. He should have done Moves Like Jagger or Bruno Mars or some of that old trot that thickos like.
Westlife again! Fuck me. The last person I saw from Westlife was on This Morning and called Simon Cowell a 'music mongrel.' Fuck Westlife. Then I read another one of them saying Breaking Bad and Homeland 'weren't really girls programmes.' Go fuck yourself, twat. Also I know for a fact Westlife are dicks because they came into a place my friend worked and were drunk and abusive.
That song was too cheesy for Union J. Why didn't they do a Take That song, or some other modern song? That performance WAS too safe.
Nicole to Louis: 'you are a bomb diggity mentor.' Why is Dermot saying 'we all miss our families'. Where are his - have they been kidnapped?
James is doing The Power of Love. It needed to to kick off in the middle and it did. I think he should have done a rap in it, or brought out the wub wubs, because now he's in trub trubs. It was good, I just think it was a bit random. Gary said it was the performance of the series. I have liked at least six or seven of the others he's done better than that. But I want him to win so much. Vote for James! Let's make those gnashers big in America and give them a fright!