X Factor: the results

I wish I could be as happy and in love as Tulisa; her miserable face is such a good advert for going out with some footballing philanderer. I certainly hope they live happily ever after so Tulisa's unbridled joy can continue to shine out of her like she's R-Pattz hanging around in a badly CGI-ed forest.
Just when you think things can't get shitter, out comes Rod Stewart with some Merry Christmas/ Happy New Year bullshit, and a lyric about getting 'a Kanye West CD' unless I misheard.
Tulisa's clips package shows she looks better blonde; except for for when she went straw yellow and forgot to put a toner on. Isn't Tulisa aways having a go at Union J for standing on boxes? She's so cold and unfriendly and the shit she writes in Twitter shows she's a complete imbecile, too. I don't think Simon Cowell should put us with her calling people out and starting fights, it's not appropriate for a judge who's essentially on a children's show. I just can't even stand to look at her anymore.
Her song is insipid. I hope the others give her some critique at the end and tell her it's a bag of shit. I will give her something, she CAN sing, but she sounds croaky. At least she cracked a smile at the end, she's actually giving Gary Barlow a run for her money in the sourpuss Olympics for the past two weeks. But what happened to her 'urban roots'? This crap just sound like sub-standard Taylor Swift. Dappy must be agog. 
Some good product placement in the adverts then; an advert for Tulisa's album, and then an advert with 'The power of love' on it. No wonder Frankie was ringing up James to give him his best wishes, he probably raked in a few grand over that.
Why is Simon Cowell always pushing these good causes on us in the middle of an entertainment show? He does exactly the same thing on X Factor US and it's excruciating.
Dermot, the word is DETERIORATE not DETERIATE. Sort yourself out. This is getting on my nerves. If I want to help a charity, I will, one of my choosing. I work for a charity. Simon could fund 50 charities with his millions. I just want to find out if James Arthur is going through or not. Get off my back with the emotional blackmail, already.
I like Pink, not her music, but her attitude. And she does have a few toe-tappers, you must admit.
This song's a bit dirgy, I preferred the one she did on Alan Carr recently. Is she pregnant? Looks like she's trying to cover something up in that dress. Her voice doesn't sound so good tonight. That guitar part was unnaceptable.
It's crunch time! We're down to the wire, etc. I'm sure it will be Union J who go, as much as I want it to be the Halloween pumpkin.
James and Christopher through. It's gotta be Union J to go. It is. Aw, that was so cute the way James and Jahmene hugged. I'm sad to see Union J go, especially with Christopher still there, ugh. I thought they went out very classy. I like the fact they're singing 'you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess.' Say no to pronoun changing. One Direction never won it, anyway, and Union J are better than One Direction. They should have sung this song last night, it's better than both the songs they sang.
It seems so unfair they're gone and Christopher 'I'm so grateful for the support' 'I love me nan' is still there. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian on X Factor US for just repeating the same meaningless .
Who on earth is going to want to do a duet with him next week? Probably Gary Barlow will have to step in and do it. Bad luck, GBa. Still, at least James got through. And we only have to watch it for one more week.

X Factor: Semi final

Someone ticked 'blah' for my last blog so I'd better up my game. BLAH was it! Blah? Well thanks for your thoughts, Christopher Maloney/ Christopher Maloney's nan. Thanks very much indeed. Dermot didn't even do his dance tonight!
Gary Barlow keeps introducing Christopher like he's a nuclear war. In other news, Christopher claims to be 34 and straight. Don't get me wrong, he did sing that song well, but it's just such a cheesy song. He was shaking like a leaf. So are the judges all being told to be nice to him in a change of strategy this week to stop him getting sympathy votes? Tulisa begrudgingly said he was good, like she was announcing a cancer diagnosis. Louis trying to shift some Westlife units. Give it up, FFS. That dog is dead. He's right though, Christopher would be good on stage... then I never have to see him again. The only judge I like is Nicole, and a year ago I never thought I'd say that. Tulisa is now so dour she's making James Arthur look charasmatic. 
How long before I miss Rylan? I miss him every second! I notice that pug-faced prick Kirk Norcross was slagging Rylan off this week. 'Karma' for Kirk would be being devoured by a pack of sexist dogs. Rylan has more charm, humour and heart in his eyebrow than Kirk has in his entire ancestry. 
Aw, sad about Jahmene's brother who killed himself because of his mum's abusive relationship. Those must have been some seriously hairy times. Come on Jahmene, start crying. He sounded a bit flat, but I think it's because he's emotional. I do feel very, very sad for what happened to him; and sad for every woman and child being terrorised at a man's hands right now. If you can support domestic violence charities, please do, because the Tories are taking away women's refuges with all the heartlessness of the empathy-chip missing lizard bastards they are. Was sweet when Nicole and Gary were crying and very genuine. Aw, that was heartbreaking when he said, 'I feel like I let go of something.' No child should ever have to go through that. And any woman who is staying with a man right now 'for the sake of the kids' - look at what it does. Just look.
Union J haven't even got a sob story. I don't know what this song is. I found that one of their most boring performances so far. They are very vulnerable this week, what with the Maloney juggernaught, Jahmene's genuine sob story, and James Arthur and his magical teeth. It could be a all boys final.
Why is James Arthur sneering backstage? Perhaps he's just had his new dentures put in. James loving his siblings isn't a very good sob story.
James is doing U2. I hope it's a medley and he's gonna bust out a bit of Lemon in the middle. I don't like what he's wearing either. I'm not sure what he's doing with this, it's like a gospel version but it sounds all over the place. 
Louis's comment: 'this time next year you're going to have three or four albums out.' They're not going to be very well-written, are they? Nicole is trying to steal Christopher's northern vote. Good tactics.
Nicole's first audition looked dreadful! I don't think Jahmene should do the song he sang at the first audition - it's cheating! I wish they'd let James Arthur sing his own song. Nicole's comments... 'dot dot dot... get out of here.' WTF? Can we get subtitles when she's on? I can't help liking her though; argh!
Christopher is doing a song from this millennium! Clocks everywhere... is it Chico time? (we wish) Clocked off. I wouldn't call Michael Buble 'modern'. He's not singing this very well, I think it only works when he's belting things out. My boyfriend thinks this is part of Gary's strategy to get sympathy again. He should have done Moves Like Jagger or Bruno Mars or some of that old trot that thickos like.
Westlife again! Fuck me. The last person I saw from Westlife was on This Morning and called Simon Cowell a 'music mongrel.' Fuck Westlife. Then I read another one of them saying Breaking Bad and Homeland 'weren't really girls programmes.' Go fuck yourself, twat. Also I know for a fact Westlife are dicks because they came into a place my friend worked and were drunk and abusive.
That song was too cheesy for Union J. Why didn't they do a Take That song, or some other modern song? That performance WAS too safe.
Nicole to Louis: 'you are a bomb diggity mentor.' Why is Dermot saying 'we all miss our families'. Where are his - have they been kidnapped?
James is doing The Power of Love. It needed to to kick off in the middle and it did. I think he should have done a rap in it, or brought out the wub wubs, because now he's in trub trubs. It was good, I just think it was a bit random. Gary said it was the performance of the series. I have liked at least six or seven of the others he's done better than that. But I want him to win so much. Vote for James! Let's make those gnashers big in America and give them a fright!

Entertainments: Louis, Louis and Choke

I'm gonna do a mash up because I've got a little to say on a few things, and you know, I've missed you a bit.
I have to say I've not been enjoying the Law and Disorder series of Louis Theroux as much as I thought I would. Am I shallow to want him to go interview Heather Mills or Posh instead? I do like it when he covers serious subjects, but I prefer it when he's in silly mode. It seems like it could be any film maker doing these documentaries; Louis' personality is getting diluted. Maybe I just want a bit of light relief.
Talking of which, my enjoyment of the X Factor semi-final was marred somewhat by an accidental text telling me who had gone out before I got the chance to see it. The X Factor without suspense is justt a bunch of dickheads singing rubbish cover versions. Having said that, it wasn't a bad night. Alexandra has come on miles, and should probably win it. JLS have also improved. But the real talking point was the 'friendship' between Eeeeeeoooghhhhannn and Diana. How many times did they repeat the word 'friendship' on the Xtra Factor? It was blatantly obvious they are in love. It was like watching Hollyoaks on anti-depressants when Diana got the boot. It was half traumatic/ half hilarious watching him sobbing and mewling and running on stage, ruining her final song. Ah, it was kind of sweet though. Or would be if she didn't look ten years older than him, yet still looked her age, which is 17. I personally thought OWEN's rendition of that Busted song off Singstar was absolutely dreadful, and when he declared that it was the sort of rocky (?!) style he felt comfortable with, I really did have to resist the urge to open a vein. As for Diana doing Dido, bad move. She should have done Kate Nash or something, the tweenies voting would have lapped that up. It made me laugh when Cheryl Cole said Diana's fans were 'probably too cool to vote' therefore declaring the entire X Factor audience 'uncool'. Nice.
I'm sure you're keen to know, the reason I missed the X Factor was because I was at the cinema watching Choke. Now, I listened to the audio book of this Chuck Palahniuk book earlier this year. I enjoyed it, but by Chuck's standards, I thought the plot was holey; I never understood why the people who saved Victor's life sent him money in the first place. I also accidentally put my IPod on shuffle at one point and heard the twist at the end... a twist that was inexplicably, completely left out in the film. Yet they kept in the utterly ridiculous son of god schtick which made very little sense. Chuck gets away with some ridiculous plot devices/ twists, because of his convincing writing style. When his style is removed from the equation, and his ideas put into the wrong hands, it's just left looking a bit silly.
So I KNEW the plot and I still found the film inexplicable in parts. The main character, played by Sam Rockwell, was irritating and reminded me of Tom Cruise (urgh). There wasn't enough of the whole choking thing (it is the title after all). It was meant to be a comedy, which threw me, as the book wasn't, and I don't remember laughing. There probably wasn't enough sex in it, for a film about a sex addict. Why would Cherry Daiquiri go out with Denny when he was so bloody ugly? And as for the whole rock storyline; if you're going to take out the end scene of the book (i.e. probably one of the most interesting and dramatic parts, and one which was infinitely better than what the scriptwriter did here, which was go for the easy option), why even keep the stupid rocks in? I thought the rocks were dumb anyway, but at least they had a dramtic purpose in the novel.
There was also excessive use of flashbacks; always bad in films, as 12 million bad Stephen King adaptations can testify to. Anjelica Houston was OK, but that's about as much as I could say.
If you liked Fight Club, run a mile from this. Chuck is one of my favourite writers, but I'd love to know what he makes of this. If someone murdered my novel in this way, I'd go boot them in the face.