X Factor: Semi final

Someone ticked 'blah' for my last blog so I'd better up my game. BLAH was it! Blah? Well thanks for your thoughts, Christopher Maloney/ Christopher Maloney's nan. Thanks very much indeed. Dermot didn't even do his dance tonight!
Gary Barlow keeps introducing Christopher like he's a nuclear war. In other news, Christopher claims to be 34 and straight. Don't get me wrong, he did sing that song well, but it's just such a cheesy song. He was shaking like a leaf. So are the judges all being told to be nice to him in a change of strategy this week to stop him getting sympathy votes? Tulisa begrudgingly said he was good, like she was announcing a cancer diagnosis. Louis trying to shift some Westlife units. Give it up, FFS. That dog is dead. He's right though, Christopher would be good on stage... then I never have to see him again. The only judge I like is Nicole, and a year ago I never thought I'd say that. Tulisa is now so dour she's making James Arthur look charasmatic. 
How long before I miss Rylan? I miss him every second! I notice that pug-faced prick Kirk Norcross was slagging Rylan off this week. 'Karma' for Kirk would be being devoured by a pack of sexist dogs. Rylan has more charm, humour and heart in his eyebrow than Kirk has in his entire ancestry. 
Aw, sad about Jahmene's brother who killed himself because of his mum's abusive relationship. Those must have been some seriously hairy times. Come on Jahmene, start crying. He sounded a bit flat, but I think it's because he's emotional. I do feel very, very sad for what happened to him; and sad for every woman and child being terrorised at a man's hands right now. If you can support domestic violence charities, please do, because the Tories are taking away women's refuges with all the heartlessness of the empathy-chip missing lizard bastards they are. Was sweet when Nicole and Gary were crying and very genuine. Aw, that was heartbreaking when he said, 'I feel like I let go of something.' No child should ever have to go through that. And any woman who is staying with a man right now 'for the sake of the kids' - look at what it does. Just look.
Union J haven't even got a sob story. I don't know what this song is. I found that one of their most boring performances so far. They are very vulnerable this week, what with the Maloney juggernaught, Jahmene's genuine sob story, and James Arthur and his magical teeth. It could be a all boys final.
Why is James Arthur sneering backstage? Perhaps he's just had his new dentures put in. James loving his siblings isn't a very good sob story.
James is doing U2. I hope it's a medley and he's gonna bust out a bit of Lemon in the middle. I don't like what he's wearing either. I'm not sure what he's doing with this, it's like a gospel version but it sounds all over the place. 
Louis's comment: 'this time next year you're going to have three or four albums out.' They're not going to be very well-written, are they? Nicole is trying to steal Christopher's northern vote. Good tactics.
Nicole's first audition looked dreadful! I don't think Jahmene should do the song he sang at the first audition - it's cheating! I wish they'd let James Arthur sing his own song. Nicole's comments... 'dot dot dot... get out of here.' WTF? Can we get subtitles when she's on? I can't help liking her though; argh!
Christopher is doing a song from this millennium! Clocks everywhere... is it Chico time? (we wish) Clocked off. I wouldn't call Michael Buble 'modern'. He's not singing this very well, I think it only works when he's belting things out. My boyfriend thinks this is part of Gary's strategy to get sympathy again. He should have done Moves Like Jagger or Bruno Mars or some of that old trot that thickos like.
Westlife again! Fuck me. The last person I saw from Westlife was on This Morning and called Simon Cowell a 'music mongrel.' Fuck Westlife. Then I read another one of them saying Breaking Bad and Homeland 'weren't really girls programmes.' Go fuck yourself, twat. Also I know for a fact Westlife are dicks because they came into a place my friend worked and were drunk and abusive.
That song was too cheesy for Union J. Why didn't they do a Take That song, or some other modern song? That performance WAS too safe.
Nicole to Louis: 'you are a bomb diggity mentor.' Why is Dermot saying 'we all miss our families'. Where are his - have they been kidnapped?
James is doing The Power of Love. It needed to to kick off in the middle and it did. I think he should have done a rap in it, or brought out the wub wubs, because now he's in trub trubs. It was good, I just think it was a bit random. Gary said it was the performance of the series. I have liked at least six or seven of the others he's done better than that. But I want him to win so much. Vote for James! Let's make those gnashers big in America and give them a fright!

X Factor results: Rylan styled out

What horrendous injustice will be served up tonight? I guarantee you Christopher 'orange' Maloney won't be in the bottom two. Those Northerners are mad fer (sh)it.
JACKETS! Coldplay. A winning combination. Jamie from Union J is a MUCH better singer than Jahmene.
Next up is Bruno 'I'd catch a grenade for you' Mars. That's the only good song he's got, isn't it? And it's only good because it's so stupid. He seems to have taken the Madness route with this new single. Absolutely interminable. Is he miming? He's a funny little thing, isn't he, like someone who'd offer to help you in a computer game and then send you off in the wrong direction, rubbing his hands with glee. My advice; shank him before he gets the chance. Also, take your shades off, you little dick.
I think Tulisa's actually looked good the past two nights, maybe she sacked her stylist.
Is Rhianna singing a serious song? Can you really believe that she's really back with that revolting thug? I refuse to believe it, but I have seen her interviewed before and she's thick as pigshit, so it's possible. Shame that rain isn't going onto her *crackle*. She could have done so much for battered women; instead she did nada. She never condemned him, never helped a DV charity, she was just stubborn and pig-headed. And you can say I'm victim-blaming if you like, but her attitude has probably killed a few women ('well if she's forgiven him, maybe I should forgive the person terrorising me?'). Ooh, she is getting wet now. Anyway, I do think she's beautiful and I hope Chris Brown doesn't kill her. It's quite interesting her album is called 'unapologetic'; it should be called 'naive' or 'idiotic'. As for him, he is beneath contempt and the fact the music business has 'forgiven' him makes me feel physically sick and ashamed to be human. I can't even stand to look at his face, he is so vile. Let's not ever forget what he did, please. Let's never excuse it. I genuinely hope he dies alone, poor and crying.
James: 'Six months ago, I was sitting on my bed, strumming...' Ahem.
I'm so SICK of hearing Christopher saying THE SAME FUCKING THING... 'I just want to thank the public... I can't believe I've got this far... I've come such a long way... thanks for all the support...' STFU!
Liking Rylan's silver leggings. LOL to Tulisa not allowed on stage anymore. James is through, whoop. Louis' face when Christopher went through, haha.
Aw, Rylan vs Union J in the bottom two. I think Rylan's a goner. He's singing WIRES! I love Wires. YES he's singing it well! This is amazing! My boyfriend just said 'if Simon was there he'd put him through cos he loves Athlete.' I don't know why my boyfriend knows this information. OMG, he sang it really well. That was quite moving. Nice when he cuddled Gary. Aw, I was blubbing then. What a ninny I am.
LOL, Union J are doing Snow Patrol. It's a middle of the road indie-off. Louis's face is a picture. Jamie is really pulling out all the stops. Aw, I do like Union J. But I don't want Rylan to go.
I feel all emotional right now! Even Gary is admitting he loves Rylan. Oh, Tulisa did him in. So sad to see Rylan go. He went out on a real high, though. I so wish it was Christopher.
I really hope Rylan goes on Celebrity Big Brother. He's the new Jedward! Love him.

X Factor: Number ones

I'm doped up on codeine due to my rickety back so if I say something offensive, blame the druggles. I am innocent!
So Lucy Spraggan has left the competition due to 'illness' - pig sick at the thought of what song they were going to make her cover next, I suspect. I think it's a shame for her fans and a bit of a kick in the teeth for them. It's weird when people are given an opportunity on a plate and hand it back; but then I guess the reality of fame - or what you thought you wanted - sometimes doesn't match up.
Bit tacky for Nicole to be bragging about having three acts when Lucy has left under a cloud.
Rylan: 'Essex is like the Hollywood of England.' Yeah, like Blackpool is the Las Vegas. Not good that he's up first, they must be sick of him. Rylan actually sounded in tune at the start. Maybe he just can't sing and dance at the same time. Even Gary's doing a little smile. I think he's doing quite a good job this week, it's a bit less OTT than usual. He's got his Brandon Flowers feathers on, too. Gary (the prophet of doom) going 'this might be your last week.' Keep peddling it, Gary, and people keep picking up the phones which is probably all a ploy anyway. I love Rylan calling Gary 'Gal' and 'G'. I even enjoyed Nicole's rehearsed 'shut up.' LOL to Dermot telling us not to smash through our glass windows at home, I was just about to.
Aw one of Union J is pretending playing the guitar, bless. This song is a bit lacklustre. I think this is one of the worse performances they've done. I do like the one on the right though, he can really sing. They're all done up like little Gary Barlows. Gary: 'you could work on your blending a little bit more.' Eh? How does one work on that?
Kye oh Kye, feels like there's a lot of deadwood now. Hahaha, he's doing 'You only get what you give'. 'Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson, they're all fakes run to your mansions.' OK, we will. I bet dude from the New Radicals doesn't have a mansion, probably more like a cardboard box. LOL I can't believe he sang the Courtney Love bit, I thought they'd cut it, or at least update it. That song was pathetic when it came out, and it's just tragic to hear it right now.  Don't dig up dead donkeys.
Kye's hair isn't doing much for him, I think he should keep his fringe covering his massive forehead. Strangely on X Factor US they have given EVERYONE fringes, even Britney and Demi. I thought it was fringe week when I watched it yesterday. That show is duff though, the contestants aren't as good as ours - the teen category is unbearable.
James Arthur looks like he's put on a stone since his first audition. How does Gwen Stefani look exactly the same as she did 20 years ago? I mean, obviously it's surgery, but she's got a good plastic surgeon.
James Arthur is better than this song. Is it 90s week? He's got his coat on again, I liked the person on Twitter last week who said 'he won't feel the benefit when he goes outside.' I thought his rap was pretty naff but I liked the way he pronounced 'love'. I notice he's holding his mic in the wrong hand this week, maybe it's to control the flappy hand. What is this 'album track' nonsense Tulisa is on about? Albums, lol. Grandma.
I thought Ella was good this week, and she actually looked nice for once, rather than the usual way they do her up. Firework is really hard to sing. And always reminds me of Beavis and Butthead. 'You like this song, don't you?' 'No.' 'You're not a firework, you're the plastic bag drifting down the street.' 'No, no, I AM a firework!'
The blonde one in District3 has a particularly annoying face. That song was annoying, but I don't understand why this band are still in anyway. Tulisa: 'you overstepped the cheese mark.' Where does the cheese mark begin and start? And with which cheese? I didn't think it was as bad as Tulisa and Nicole are making out, though.
Jahmene is taking Nicole to the Asda freezer department. Nicole pretending to enjoy scanning items was patronising - try doing it for the next 50 years. Did Jahmene just say 'YO-gurt' instead of 'YOG-urt.' What a knob. If he was in the Big Brother house, he'd be a champion fencesitter. I just fast-forwarded through Jahmene as he's so boring. I can't stand Beyonce, and I can't stand Jahmene. Get to fuck. That 'Jah-mazing' thing is getting tired, too. If Jahmene wins, then it will be a victory for sheep everywhere.
Christopher Malone: 'maybe the other judges see me as a threat' and 'I'm the public choice' - oh, shut up. This cunt's got his coat on as well. Is he doing Celine Dion? FFS. Pass the gun. Aw, he's doing a little 'gran vote' blub. Urgh.
Didn't feel there was much to get my teeth into this week. Time for my tablets.