Well here we are with Exitainment's inaugural Christmas TOTP blog and I hope Fearne and Reggie are going to give a full apology at the start of the show. No not for Jimmy Savile, but for the appalling music coming up.
Oh Christ, I hate it when they tell me what's next, it makes me despair. First up, Robbie Williams. My boyfriend insists this song is Ring of Roses. Oh, he even says it. This is entirely tuneless. This fat cunt can't sing a note. Has he been smoking crack? I'd rather watch Gary Barlow duet with Christopher Maloney again. My boyfriend said Gary co-wrote this as 'industrial sabotage'. The audience looks like a bad hen do, it's like they've made sure everyone's over 40 in case of any misunderstandings. I can safely say that's the worst Robbie Williams song ever released. It makes Rudebox sound like Everyday is like Sunday.
So, Call Me Maybe is rubbish except for the chorus. Did anyone order a female Justin Beiber? Take it back, then. The audience are too old to have heard of this song, but at least no one will get molested, except maybe Carly Rae thingybob.
Conor Maynard is like an uglier Justin Beiber, if that was possible. I don't know who this little prick is, but he's got a very punchable face. He looks like Toby Maguire pre-plastic surgery. This is completely TUNELESS. FUCK OFF. This has gone on about 5 minutes longer than it should have.
My boyfriend is shocked they've not changed the logo or renamed it TOTPv2 or something. They truly are shameless. Fearne: apologise immediately. On your knees. Reggie, keep your hands in your pockets.
Paloma Faith is just a walking car boot sale on legs. Why is she dragging Michael Hutchence's dead body out of the closet for Christmas? Let Peaches and Astile enjoy Christmas in peace. I didn't know Paloma thing even sang, I thought she just made a career out of getting on 'worst dressed' lists. That personality is completely put on, too. I've seen more authentic Ray-Bien sunglasses.
My boyfriend: 'Is Fearne pregnant?' No, she's just gobbled up a passing baby.
Sam and the Womp? Have I missed something? Has Bjork fallen on hard times? Ali G has turned up in his Jim'll fix it tracksuit, that's in poor taste. I have never heard this song before in my life. Hopefully I'll never hear it again. You have to respect a fringe that short, though. Please get that trumpet off my screen. Come back 2 Unlimited, all is forgiven.
Oh fuck, someone's reanimated Florence. She isn't dead? Why does she look like that, then? I'd rather be locked in a room and forced to listen to Enya for three weeks than listen to this bullshit. Where's the machine? Probably keeping an old lady alive over Christmas. Anyone who likes this kind of music will be first against the wall in my new world order. How old is Florence now? 26? In dog years, maybe.
Coldplay are being beamed in from a nuclear bunker. Apple's gone a bit mad with the magic markers. There's an elephant in the room: it ain't the only one! This song is shit. My boyfriend has just hid his head under a blanket.
Next up: Girls Aloud. Watch them not show Sarah Harding's face once cos its too busted. Kimberley is my favourite. This song is boring. The other one they've got out is better. There's a lot of ombré on that stage. 'I'm beautiful cos you love me'. You're dumped. What now? Girl power!
Has Rita Ora sorted out her fashion sense since X Factor? She's going 'huh!' like Jessie J. She's got foil pyjamas on. Also unflattering. Stick her in the oven. I like one of her songs. Not this one, though. Still, now we've got her, can we drown Jessie J?
What is 'rudimental feat John Newman'? What sort of music is this? He looks like some prick off Towie. He sounds like he's got a frog in his throat. Now someone in a Christmas jumper is playing a trumpet. Makes you pine for the lizard Queen's speech. There's a lot of people on that stage. All arseholes.
Reggie Yates: 'the power of love... ask your mum.' Patronising prick. You don't know when I was born! This is another song off a fucking advert. Why is there a guitar/bass-player there? The power of sludge. Fuck you po-faced snowmen and insipid girl. This is making me sleepy. My boyfriend's verdict: 'this makes me want to go in John Lewis and smash some shit up'.
Payphone! I think Payphone is my song of the year. I'm not even joking. Script dude and Will.i.am, not so much.
Has James Arthur had his teeth fixed? Nah, not yet. At least he's growing his hair out a bit now. I like this song! I think it's quite catchy.
I did enjoy The Killers Runaways song this year, too. I like Brandon when the vein in his neck is throbbing like he's just had words with Richard Dawkins. No sign of him here, though.
Argh, what is it with this Emily Sande agenda? Who are her fans? What sort of music is this? I feel oppressed by its averageness.
So James Arthur didnt even get Christmas number one? Haven't the people of Hillsborough suffered enough? Bland Aid. Ugh, what was the criteria for getting people to sing this song, Northern and a prick? And then pops up Fab Macca. Enough said. I'm pleased about the justice. No need to inflict this on us, too, though.
My mum's boyfriend has got some morphine patches. I think it might be time to slap on 17 of them. Merry Christmas.