X Factor USA: Just one last word.

Thought I better blog this as I didn't even bother to blog the UK X Factor results. It must be a big night as Steve's got a dickie bow on. That's certainly adding a sense of gravitas to the evening.
God, looking at the final 12, what a shower of uselessness. I quite liked that Glee rip-off group who went the first week. Lakota Rain or whatever they're called should be drowned in a bag. I'd like to see the petulant Drew and the precocious Rachel Crowe never again, please. Astro has more talent in his little arrogant finger than all of them put together, and he's a little tosser.
Paula's talking turkey as usual. God, I really hope that Melanie Amaro doesn't win. She just rubs me up the wrong way. Oh they're doing festive numbers first. Great. All I Want for Christmas is You is a good one, though.
Everything that comes out of Steve Jones's mouth sounds laced with insincerity. I mean, it's obvious Dermot doesn't like pop music, but at least he sounds warm to the acts after they sing.
Chris is just about getting away with singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Uh. Yeah. Uh huh. Aw, Chris's messages from his family were sweet. He could win on goodwill and a killer sob story alone.
I've been supporting Josh all the way through but his song choices lately have been quite duff. He's got the voice, but I'm finding him quite boring. Does he have the X Factor? Also his tears didn't look as sincere as Chris's. I think he had to force them out!
Justin Beiber makes me want to quite a Morrissey lyric: 'when will you die? When will you die? When will you die?' Luckily I'm watching this about an hour behind so I don't have to listen to this turkey. Oh, fuck off Drew. Your attitude absolutely stunk and I'm glad you got the boot.
Oh no, Chris Rene in third place! Boo. Josh better win, now. I can't stand to see Melanie win it. Probably didn't help that Chris's mentor LA said Melanie did a 50 million dollar performance last night. Uh oh, Steve's losing control of his contestants. Pull it together, boyo.
Leona's on. Why isn't she doing Nine Inch Nails? Why is she always covering indie songs, anyway? She definitely sings Run better that Gary Lightbody. I can't even write the name 'Gary Lightbody' without laughing. He's the only man in pop that makes Chris Martin look well groomed.
Simon's face when Paula is prattling on is hilarious, it's like he's humouring some old dear.
50 Cent is championing women's rights as usual, I see. I bet he's got a big sign with his name on like that in his house. But as my mum said once, hasn't he got lovely teeth? LOL, can't believe he's still rolling out 'it's yer birthday'- why isn't he singing the line about giving you some X if you're into taking drugs? Huh? Astro is out-rapping 50 Cent. Shame.
Something bad has happened. I've caught up with my recording and now I'm having to watch Neo and Pitbull and I'm quite upset about it. Luckily, I'm about to drink some champagne, which should take the edge off. Got any 'X' going spare, Fiddy? Let's make this a proper on-Puff-Daddy's-boat affair.
Where's the winner's single? Aren't they going to do a sing off? They're doing a duet of Heroes. Please tell me David Bowie isn't going to get involved. LOL the doors opened behind them but no one was there. Maybe he got tied up at the Goblin City. That was an anti-climax and a half.
Melanie got it! That's a shame, she has got a good voice, but she doesn't do it for me. It was quite rude the way she just ignored Steve at the end, too.That's the final nail in his coffin, anyway. 'Just one last word, Melanie.... just one last word.' It's the new 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges.'
Is this the winner's song? No one knows, cos no one's told us! Well done, suckers.
I really hate this song. I'm going to get drunk. Ta-ra! See you on the next plane home, Steve. I hear Take it or Leave It is looking for a new host. If not, Toby Anstis probably needs a break from TV Scrabble.

X Factor USA: The final

And another ending begins. So what have I learnt this series? Steve Jones's charmless confidence is amusing when he's under pressure. Look closely and you can see the panic in his eyes as he peeks at that little card and forces himself to cuddle a crying child. LA Reid doing a strange dance to a strobey/washing machine song one week and looking like he was in the electric chair (someone must have done a gif of it). Nicola Scherzinger curling up like a woodlouse when she had to actually make a decision. Paula Abdul is pretty useless as a judge when she's not off her face. Simon lacks someone to spar with, and it sucks a lot of the humour out of the show.
And what a weird final three we're left with. Josh should clearly win. Chris is loveable but not sure how he made it to the final three (although one of the best first auditions I've ever seen). I can't warm to Melanie, I find her singing all old fashioned, and I'm still annoyed she was putting on a posh accent and now she's talking in her 'real' accent. It's like Will Young coming out of the closet straight after he won Pop Idol. Just be honest, why don't you, we can deal with it.
I doubt a person on the planet could annoy me as much as Nicole Scherzinger does. The shit that comes out of her mouth makes me want to scream - energy, positive attitudes, God. You wrote a song (sorry, didn't write, SANG) a song that pitted girls against one another and set them up as enemies, just something that's after your boyfriend and to call uglier than you. So don't ever try and talk to me about positivity, when you made your dirty coin on sexualising young girls, selling them an unobtainable and damaging image to aspire to and pitting them against one another. Her complete insincerity, her fake poor-little-me face, her wishy-washy opinions and when she does her preacher man voice followed by her simpering little girl act - the whole thing is just one big performance, and at the heart of it is something rotten, something dead inside. Honestly, Cheryl Cole is worth 100 of her, and she's my fourth favourite member of Girls Aloud. At least she's a real person, not a humanoid, like Scherbot2000.
WTF is this tuneless old dirge Josh is singing. Ahhhh.... Alanis Morrissette, that explains it. Time for a new haircut, horsey. I hope he's not going to lose because of this whiny bitch.
OMG they're making Chris Rene sing with Avril Lavinge. Call the exterminator, load the traps. Poor Chris, he must be so embarrassed. There's your streed cred gone out the window. Avril outsung him totally, I don't think he got a note in tune.
Has Melanie Amaro had a boob job? LOL just when you think it couldn't get any worse, we get R Kelly. Put him back in the fucking closet. Is he even allowed on TV these days? I'm glad no more acts are in the competition, we'd probably see Astro vs Gary Glitter or Drew getting a beat down from Chris Brown. Very tasteful, Simon, finger on the pulse as ever.
LA Reid on I Believe I Can Fly; 'that is one of the most important songs written in the past 50 years.' LOL. Yeah right up there with 'Get Away' by Lenny Kravitz and 'Life' by Des'ree.
What a fucking barrel scrape for celebs. Seriously, was Rhianna or Buble not available *snort*?
Why are they so up Michael Jackson's arse on this show, too? I think Blanket's face said it all a couple of shows ago. *roll eyes, pass the jesus juice*
Melanie is sooooo old fashioned. Have you ever seen her smile? She bores the hell out of me. I know Chris can't sing but at least he's unique and sparky.
I like Chris's original song. I'd like to see him win it in a way. I'd like to see the look on his face. I love it when they cut to LA Reid dancing or singing! It's so incongruous with his tough talk.
Also, are you seriously telling me Simon is coming back to judge Britan's Got Talent (ie. let's mock some mentals) but won't come back to do our X Factor? If it's a scheduling thing, just move ours, we don't get the Christmas Number 1 anymore anyway. That just goes to some 'wives' (aren't there any military husbands?). I digress.
Until tomorrow.

The X Factor USA

How shall I start this blog? With a glib comment about how Cheryl's probably watching Watchdog instead? With a comment about Simon's frozen mush? Or with a statement about what my cats have been up to today? All this and MORE!

I kind of missed Simon's'this is the best/worst thing I've ever seen this season/ in my life/ since last week' bullshit.

Ah, there's Steve Jones. Pretending not to have a Welsh accent. I hope he can pretend not to be a massive prick, also. But I wouldn't bet on it. Why is he in that truck?

Who is LA Reid? I prefer Alex Reid. I also prefer Randy, if we're picking between black bald talent show judges with glasses. Joining them for the LA auditions is Cheryl Cole. Yes, she's just popping by. Coo-ee!

Oh they're doing the live auditions ala BGT. I hate live auditions. I prefer the private thrills.

Steve Jones is bellowing in an accent that is not his own. No sign of him since the truck times, though.

You get five million dollars for winning this show? I can't stand children on these sorts of shows usually but that first girl was REALLY good. Aw, look at Chezza, all wide eyed. They let her down, you know. I can't stand her, but she's still worth 150 Scherzingers.

Paula is looking a bit 'slidey faced'. She doesn't appear drunk - yet. Why does Simon have to have one special little friend at a time? It's a bit childish, isn't it. I don't like the way he's alienating Cheryl. It's hurtful and pathetic. Let's be honest, he's a bit emotionally retarded, isn't he? And look at what he did to Louis! Never forget (as Gary well knows).

I like this effeminate character. Has he got painted clothes on? I like this old couple, too, they're mental.

Steve Jones. Where are you? LA Reid has said absolutely nothing of interest. Who IS he?

LOL to 'it was like you were singing, and she swallowed poison.' Tulisa doesn't come out with that sort of shit. A note on the UK X Factor: I've stopped watching it. Kelly Rowland is one percent less entertaining than a balloon with a smiley face painted on it. Tulisa doesn't even have the attitude we were promised, she's just dull. And I could see Gary Barlow doing the voiceover for Dignitas adverts, should the clinics ever take off in the UK. Just imagine him now, saying 'The place to go to die peacefully.' I'd go.

I've seen Katy Perry sing Firework worse that that blonde girl did.

Ah, Cheryl's sitting by Simon today. Does she get to wear a special badge or something? The X Factor panel is like a Super Sweet 16 party, except it's Super Sweet nearly 60s.

I like the obnoxious girl in the red hotpants. The quality of auditions have been quite good so far. Simon trying to browbeat LA Reid into changing his opinion about her. Doesn't he want judges to have differing opinions? This alleged 'chemistry' between him and Simon is nowhere to be seen.

That downtrodden woman was good, but she was a bit out of tune in parts. That's twice LA Reid has said about the hair standing up on the back of his neck. Is that the new 'proper little popstar' or 'you have the likeability factor'?

And then Cheryl was gone, replaced by that useless nicey-nicey but rip-off-the-mask and she's festering underneath Nicole I-am-31-honestly Scherzinger. If she ever had an interesting point to make I'd get such a shock, I'd probably jump in the ocean. Any single member of Girls Aloud would have been better. Yeah, even Nadine, with THAT accent.

I like the fact one audition actually made Paula throw up. Is that water in your bottle, Paula? I still don't know what that guy did cos I wasn't paying attention.

On the UK X Factor if you say 'I watch children' you'd get arrested.

What did you get for your birthday, Nicole? Was it to trample on someone else's dreams and steal their job? Heartless waxy old witch.

Band: 'The Answer'. Is that like 'The Reason'? If they are the answer, what's the question? I think it's 'Are they as good as Jedward?' and we KNOW the answer. Got her lipstick on, dadadadada.

Oh, btw, I finally saw Steve Jones about 59 minutes in. He has none of the warmth and craggy charm of Dermot and his rollnecks. He's like a Just For Men advert come to life.

I like this guy who's 70 days clean out of rehab. Wait until they get him singing Unchained Melody instead of his own song. The auditions have been much better than ours. Mind you, they have a much bigger pool of talent to choose from.

LA Reid likes it! He reminds me of someone but I haven't worked out who yet. I bet the hairs on the back of his neck are standing up now. Coldplay! This is your cue to cry. Aw, that was cute. They got me! Lucky he was good, hey? Otherwise, that could have been some serious car crash TV.

US Xfactory (thanks for that one, Moz) verdict? So far, much better than ours. But not as good as The Voice. Stalemate!

American Idol: Alleged Artistry

The reason I haven't written about this yet is because I never get around to watching it until Sunday, so my thoughts seem a little irrelevant by then. But I HAVE been watching, and tonight I'm all alone so watched this weeks offerings in one go.
Firstly, I kind of like the new judge, whatsherface. What 'props' does Paula have under the table (apart from the obvious- glug glug glug).
The 'theme' weeks have been absolutely turgid this year; country music, motown, Micheal fucking Jackson. So I'm glad we were free of the tyranny tonight and they could choose any song they liked. Also, I am not very impressed with the contestants. A lot of the ones I wanted to go through to the finals didn't. But here we go;
Anoop: I like Anoop and was glad when he got through by thought he had gone downhill since My Prerogative- the sickly ballads weren't really doing it for me. Although tonight I thought he was mildly ridiculous.
I think Megan has been beyond hopeless for weeks, she sings like she's pissed out of her head. She's cute but crap.
Danny looks like an accountant. My brain goes into hibernation when he comes on. Has he got a dead wife? I know he CAN sing; I can hear it, but it just bores me rigid. Paula said she'd hit repeat in her car. But he's not in your car, you drunk old bat.
I like Alison aka mini Kerry Katona. She's got a really good voice. Oh god, she did 'Don't Speak'- stick your bindi on. She reminded me of Pink during this performance. Lovely hair colour too. Don't know why Randy dissed her clothes; she looked cute. Has he never heard of emo?
Scott; sigh! Hating one blind person is bad enough (Mikey from BB, the memory lingers) but two seems cruel. But come on, he is ONLY IN IT BECAUSE HE'S BLIND. He is SHIT! I can't STAND it! That song he did was agony. He's OFF! HE CAN'T SING! He's flat! Get rid! Yet again and again the judges let him get away with it! One of the best of the night? NO! Pathetic.
As for Matt; if you asked me what his name was before Ryan said it, I wouldn't have had a clue. He is duller than dull. I didn't mind the song he did tonight, though, but he was a bit growly. Still, the best he's done so far, for me. So quite obvious that the judges would hate it!
I don't like Lil Rounds, I find her a bit smug. Liked her bob tonight though. Her voice went right through me. If you wince, it's not that good, is it?
My favourite is Adam aka Feet Wentz. What did they DO to him last week? He looked like a spotty little choirboy! Don't destroy the emo! But when he did Ring of Fire the week before he was amazing! I HATE 'play that funky music' but he seemed absolutely in his element. I didn't like his quiff though, he looked like Superman. His voice is like a billion times better than anyone else's though. His range is seriously impressive. He really seems like he has that 'star quality' they bang on about. Now bring back the fringe (and the boy-snogging).
Kris Allen aka the monkey I also find a little boring. Yeah he's easy on the eye, but so's beige. Aint No Sunshine. Urgh. But hold on, he was actually quite good; the best I've seen him actually.
Results show; what was Megan's crow thing about? She was being quite insufferable towards the end so not sorry to see her go. Lady Gaga; you looked like Donatella Versace tonight, and that aint a good thing. Your five minutes are up, fuck off, love.
PS: I still love Randy, dawg.

American Idol: It could have been me

Here's how to lose HOURS of your life, and you'll never get them back, NEVER! So the final promised to be OK, i.e. both of the contestants could sing, which was a plus. It was a fight between Foetus Archulleta & Designer Stubble Cook. Ryan Seacrest had even put on his guyliner especially, and later he shared it with both the Davids, which was very kind.
In the first round, Frank Butcher forced David Cook to sing U2, which I thought he did quite well actually. It seemed unlikely some weeks back that fish-face David Cook would get so far but he's an OK singer, just utterly uncredible as a rock singer. His second song was pure Avril Lavinge. Pre-pubescent David Archuletta (what an anchor) seemed utterly certain to win, getting the thumbs up all night long.
They both sang loads of shit no one had ever heard of, which is quite rubbish for the final really, the self-indulgent prinks. But in the final round Archuletta pulled it out of the bag, singing Imagine, probably one of the most loved songs of all time (except for me, I hate it). But Cooky squeezed out the tears and smudged his make-up, so that probably got the mum vote.
Paula managed to not turn up drunk for once (a minor miracle) but she did say 'you're standing in your truth' which was rather ridiculous. Randy was really in default mode though; 'molten hot'- check, 'you could sing the phone book'-check, you could just pull a string at the side of him and have him say this rubbish whilst he eats his way to his next lapband (aw I don't mean it, I love Randy in his little red coat, I like it when he goes 'booooo' at Simon).
Now, what IS it with US TV and their product placement? The BBUSA thing was bad enough, but this was beyond a joke plugging that GODAWFUL- looking Mike Myers film. Ben Stiller and Jack Black can just die painfully. It's like they force the contestants to watch it and laugh whilst pointing a gun at their heads. It's an insult to anyone's intelligence.
The results show was beyond a joke, two hours for something that could, realistically, take ten seconds. It felt longer than childbirth. The medleys, the past contestants, the desperate stars rolled out to flog their albums. You COULD NOT get away with this shit on the X Factor, there'd be a revolution.
Seal, for example. Where did they dig him up from? Is he credible now? How did that happen? He's quite buff now, isn't he? He looked like a black Grant Mitchell.
More medleys. Donna Summer in a fright wig. Michael Johns and Carly the tattooed lady made me laugh loads. Bryan Adams. Zed Zed Top. Some USA McFly.
Then came the crowning glory: England's favourite stoner and cottager extraordinaire, George Michael. He must have run out of weed money. I was just thinking how ropey and skinny he looked in his Bono sunglasses when my mum rang up and went, 'He's gorgeous! I've never fancied anyone so much since Elvis. It's a shame he's gay.' That song Praying For Time reminds me SO much of being young, listening to my mum playing that record over and over, that and Status Quo, anyway.
And so here it was, and it was a Will Young/ Gareth Gates style shocker. Old Cooky won by twelve million votes, even after the judges had declared Archuletta the Second Coming. Archuletta's face didn't fall quit as much as I'd hoped, but it was quite amusing hearing Fishy singing his way through this lame pop song that was clearly written for Archuletta. It was like Rhydian losing to Leon all over again! I like it though, I do like the underdog, it has to be said.
So that's it. God bless America and more importantly, Simon fucking Cowell. He still owns us all, and that's that.
Oh yeah, a side note on The Apprentice: I was soooo fucked off Raef went, he was class and a half. I fell asleep halfway through watching it after The Whitest Boy Alive gig and I just woke up as Mrs Tiggywinkle went 'You're fired!' and I couldn't believe my ears. Raef and his DiCaprio-esque advert rocked the casbah. It's all shit from now on. Sob! I guess Michael to win just for comedy value, or Alex for eye-candy value, although I've totally gone off him. It was all about Raef. Old Sugar always fucks it up though, the bozo.
PS. I saw a Big Brother advert today! Exciting!

American Idol: 'Molten Hot'

OK about five days late and so I only started paying attention halfway through, but bear with me. Firstly, and most importantly, will Paula stop saying NITCH? I's not fucking NITCH you thick fuck, it's NICHE. NICHE!!!! The next time you say NITCH I'm going to put my fucking foot through the telly! And that goes for people who say CLICK too. It's fucking CLIQUE!!!! I know you're thick and American but for fuck's sake. Get a fucking grip.
Oh yeah and Paula's leather gloves. She must have had sweaty hands.
So let's get down to the nitty gritty ABUSE (I mean, critique). Carly. Frowny, but I like her. She did karaoke classic, turn around bright eyes (or whatever the fuck it's called.) I like it, cos it has Bright Eyes in the title. What of it?
Michael Johns- Aussie. He did a medley. Is that allowed? It seems like cheating. I like him as well though.
David Archu... you know, the one who's a child. Theme park performance! Truth. Also, camp as always. He doesn't do it for me, perhaps because I'm not a pervy old man.
Cliche spot: 'you could sing the phone book' and 'ghastly' by SC. I LOVE it when he says 'ghastly'.
Krusty Le Crab (the one who WONT DIE) shamelessly cheated by singing some song that would appeal to braindead patriotic Americans, GOD BLESS AMERICA, which showed evil genius. Kind of shot herself in the foot by saying as a kid when she sang 'people were all like shut up and you're getting on my nerves'. Yes, just like now. She always gets in by the backdoor, just like George Bush. Possibly she's a lizard. Keep an eye out.
David 'bob bob bob' Cook- the first baby in history to have a receeding hairline. Yeah, he is a total fish-face but he DOES have a good voice, and he took a risk with Billie Jean. So good on him. My other favourites are Polly-Pocket Ramielle, who requires you to say 'she's cute' at least once every time she's on the screen. And Carly.
Was sad to see Chikeeeeeeeeze go in a way, he was kind of smooth, I liked him a bit. I don't really like Syesha, I think she's a bit smug. Brooke I sort of like but she's a bit hit and miss. And she can't take criticism.
PS. How sexy were all the mums?!

American Idol 8- A Million Percent Yes

Making fun of the mentally ill. OK. Making fun of the fat, the stupid, the deluded. That I can cope with. I can laugh along too, oh yes.
But what I can't abide, or really get to grips with, is the judges (and Ryan Seacrest) looking younger and younger each year. But hold on, Simon looks different on X Factor. His whole head looks squarer. I was in the audience of Britain's Got Talent only last year and he looked like a different person. He's more of a chameleon than Morrissey, except Morrissey doesn't guzzle botox for breakfast. And Morrissey is less gay.
Simon looks a bit gaunt on Idol. And what has happened to Randy? He went from chubster, to skinny Yoda, to rotund again. A gastric bypass is serious op, how did he eat his way up again? Still, I like lovely chocolatey Randy, and his sideburns. I like Simon berating Paula. Sharon wouldn't let him get away with that shit.
I've been listening to a Conor Oberst live bootleg this week, and I've never been happier we don't have country music here. But I'm yet to hear someone auditioning with Bright Eyes on Idol. I thought they were big over there! Come on... we're ready to sing along.