American Feeble (Blowtown week)

I was already mad about watching this, now Seacrest announces it's Mowtown week? Fuck a duck. This is getting as arduous as Eastenders. This show has gone down the dumper, big time. That USA X Factor better be BLOODY GOOD.
Woah! Jlo's blue eyeshadow up to her eyebrows and a sugar pink glittery dress. Did her toddlers dress her tonight?
Casey. Last week he murdered Nirvana. This week: hopefully Steven Tyler. When are they going to shave his revolting ginger beard off? It's getting as hard to shift as Matt Cardle's hat. I can't STAND Heard it Through the Grapevine (obviously) but I thought he did a decent version. He's probably in my top three (which doesn't say much for this rabble).
Thea. Next. Steven Tyler might as well sit there and go 'oooooooooowwwwww!' because his comments are total dogshit.
Jacob. I HATE his style of oversinging. I think he is AWFUL. He would be crucified on our XFactor. It bugs me when they say he's so good, and there's just something so SMUG about him. UGH. Adam Lambert seems like he came from the future when I watch how regressive this dude is. In fact, how regressive this whole show has gone.
Talking of smug, up next is Lauren, who is the dictionary definition of precocious. She gets right on my wick as she obviously thinks she's the shit as well. Well, you aint. You're just shit. Stop wiggling your head around like the Churchill dog. JLo just said she looked great, and the little upstart didn't even say 'ta'.
I like Stefano, but he's just so AVERAGE. I expect him to go out every single week. Oh Lord, he's MURDERING 'Hello'. Really duff.
Wow, I just noticed JLo's blusher. Less is more, Jlo, less is more. NB. The other day I woke up with the song 'Jenny from the Block' stuck in my head, and it didn't go for at least half an hour. DON'T LIKE.
Gordon Ramsay is in he audience! Sexist, cheating cunt. Let's all applaud him.
Hayley. Who is she? I don't feel like I've even seen her before. What have they dressed her as? She looks like she's in a Robert Palmer video.
Randy just said 'yo' at the end of a sentence! *pine for Jessie*
I think Ryan Seacrest must miss the sexually-charged banter with Simon. Maybe he should start picking on/fucking Steve Tyler.
Scotty! OMG I hate him! ONE TRICK PONY. And it's a pony we'd put down in this country. His face makes me want to throw up, he looks like one of Harry Hill's creepy puppets.
Pia. Well at least she looks good, and this song is listenable. Hmm, maybe it isn't.
Ah, here he is, my lovely little beardy thing. Paul with the movie-star teeth. He always looks like he's a bit stoned. AND he's doing a good song! Ah, he really is a breath of fresh air on this show. He's 4REALZ! No doubt he'll be leaving any week soon.
And he said 'what's going on, yo?' Jessie times! I actually just turned UP my TV. That's unheard of whilst watching this. He's doing Tracks of My Tears. He makes me smile! He's got backing singers doing the high notes. I love it. He's wonderfully shambolic. He's got charisma. I think I'm falling for him a bit, even though he's not sexy.
Oh God, Naima died on her feet last week. I really want her to do well because she's quirky, but she's not very good. SORRY! (as Simon Cowell would say). Wow, those trousers are something else though. I like her bangles. Her dancing was mental. LOL they did a Harry Hill ending 'DANCINGINTHESTREETS!' That's the second time I've mentioned Harry Hill in one blog. HARRYHILL!
James. I feel like I should like him but I don't. I find him quite boring. His voice grates on me a bit, too.
So that's it. And I watched 2 hours of that in about 40 minutes. Score.
Just watched the results show in about ten. I will not comment on Stevie Wonder or Hulk Hogan. Casey's out! Curse of being on first, dog. He was actually one of the only decent ones. Well done America, you brainiacs. Ah, the judges used their wildcard on him. One save of the season! Better hope Paul don't get in that bottom two. Casey looked like he was going to have a heart attack. Aw, bless. How cute! That was mega cute. His parents are the cutest thing on the planet, too.
But that also means tonight was ALL FOR NOTHING.
BTW I'm going on my hols to Spain for a week now, so let me know if I miss anything good on TV.

American Idol : now with 100% less Simon

Well, I think Puff Daddy and Justin Grimberlake would have been preferable to Jenny from the block and Liv Tyler's dad. Where's the grit? At least Randy's still there. Love Randy. What happened to Kara Doobedodah? I actually really liked her. Ellen was fucking useless, though.
Ryan Seacrest wants us to usher in a new 'error' of American Idol. The error is the judging panel, unfortunately. If they're going to go for dullards, Katy Perry would have been preferable. But how about some people with spunk? Courtney Love, Quentin Tarantino- even Kelly Osbourne would have been better.
I do think three is the right number of judges, though. Four is stupid number to have. Three is just so. Three is democratic.
Steve Tyler looks like a Who from Whoville. Stop shrieking, you freak. At least he's looking for a rocker, I suppose, even if it is in the wrong place.
JLo strikes me as mega fake; she's not really a nice person is she? Alright, I'll give her one chance. ONE.
I'm actually not really in the mood for this tonight. I've got a headache, I'm stressed and pissed off. Not sure I'm going to make the whole two hours.
Steve Tyler is so annoying- why is he singing along with everyone?
Ooh just noticed, Randy's skinny again. Gastric band? Hmm, no his face is skinny, but his body is fat. Ah, whatevs, I still want to lick his face.
JLo's skin is lacquered with gold leaf, applied at night by browbeaten elves. I don't like the way she's running the show. I miss Simon's cheekiness. Everyone's being so NICE. They need someone bitchy on there.
Also, I know it's early days, but there's no chemistry between these judges. Randy and Simon were clearly good mates. It feels like these three could be judging in different rooms; they're not bouncing off each other at all.
I think they just had two adverts in the space of about five minutes. Glad I'm watching this minus the adverts. But at least Steven and Randy are giving each other high fives now.
I don't think I even have anything to say about the contestants. It's not really about them, is it?!
OK I did an hour and twenty. I need a lie down. What can I say? I'm distinctly average. RIP.

American Idol: Exitainment Gives Back (Alicia Keys)

Hiya, sorry for the lack of bloggles, I've been having a few technical problems (with my life). And my TV actually. But that's no excuse. So here's a late Idol blog for you.
It's nicer watching Idol on a torrent than on ITV2 because it's obviously in HD and everything looks like it's been painted with chrome (including Ryan Seacrest's face).
What's the first thing you think when you hear the words 'Alicia Keys'? Ryan reckons 'Philanthropy, generosity and musicianship'. He says tomato, I say, cunt. I think of her on a telephone, and more latterly, her with Jack White, another pretentious, humourless Yank-bore. So anyway, it's great that she's the mentor this week.
Argh, I just want to slap her. She's just so gratuitously smug she makes Mariah Carey look self-effacing. And just to add to the smugfest, it's 'Idol Gives Back' week. Spare me! Ah look, they forced Crystal Bowersox to ask Alicia a question about her charity work. Very natural. Have I mentioned I'M a charity worker? No? Well I'm philanthropous (I made this word up) DAILY but I don't like to mention it.
So apparently the theme is 'inspiration'. I think 'insipid' will be nearer the mark.
How is Casey Jones still in this? Is that even his name? He's just a ghoul on a poster, an advert for Levis. Not interested. Why is he there instead of Didi Bananas? I liked her. Ah, Casey JAMES. Sorry Corey. I mean, Casey.
I love Randy, but his comments are so boring these days. I preferred the days when Simon used to look perplexed at everything that came out of his mouth.
Casey looks like one of his nuts and bolts is coming loose. OMG what is Simon wearing?! Is that a tank top? A cardie? He is getting cuckolded, BIG TIME. Lollies.
I like Lee Dewyze. I used to think he was nothingy but he's grown on me a lot. I said it before but I like his imperfections and his gravelly bits. I liked his song choice, too. I think he makes the right decisions. And I fancy him a bit now, just because I like him more.
OMG someone's going to do R Kelly later. Is it going to be Trapped in the Closet (with all it's parts?) 'I pulled out my barretta!' Let us pray together.
Goo Goo Dolls! I like one of theirs. Someone put it on a mix tape for me once. It wasn't this one though. This one sounds like an X Factor winners single! I like this Keith Urban dude a bit more now too. I like the fact he's a bit out of tune and flat, it's appealing. He looks more handsome this week too. Maybe I'm going soft.
Oh, Aaron is doing 'I Believe I can Fly' not the midget chronicles #13. This song sucks some serious dick. Aaron is weird. I can't get the Final Destination kid out of my head. And the fact he's so obviously gay. He can't win this race. He's just too geeky and show-tunesy.
Ooh Ellen made a joke about drugs! Those naughty lesbians! What is going on with Ryan and Simon? I reckon Simon set up the US X Factor gig solely to make Ryan unemployed. Don't fuck with the Cowell, chrome boy.
Next up: Siobhan. If I live to be 100 years, I will never spell it right first time. And I will not live to 100. Not with that chip shop nearby. I reckon she could win it. Could she? Could she take it off Crystal? Definitely, Crystal is too grumpy. Hold on, what am I talking about; it will a bloke that wins, right? Ooh, I like her butterflies.
Big Mike! Been a bit bored with him since they saved him. Woah, he is BIG! Look at his arms! I wouldn't fuck with him. Mm, sweat patches. Mind you, I'd have sweat patches if I was wearing a jumper under those lights. I'd have sweat patches if I was naked under those lights. Especially so.
Crystal! Her voice is really good. I just like her a lot. She looks a bit awkward without her guitar, and a little frumpy but that's OK. Aw, she blubbed at the end! If it was someone else I'd be cynical but I trust her. I liked it when she used Ryan's hanky.
I miss Adam Lambert. I miss Adam Lambert. I miss Adam Lambert. Where is our gay emo Superman this year? Answer me that, Simon.
Oh and onto the results show. There's Obama! He talks like a cartoon character. His wife looks like she's got one on dip and one on dazzle. Ooh Obama bigging up Randy- hehe.
Oh Christ, Queen Latifa. This is going to be painful. Sponsor mentions: #25. Coming up, the Crack Eyed Peas and Joss Stone. Dear Lord.
Ooh Big Mike, white really isn't your colour. I feel like I'm watching Ghostbusters.
I'm going to have to skip a lot of this charity stuff because it's too cloying. Although Jennifer Garner seems nice and she's supporting Save the Children. I just don't know how they reconcile their obscene wealth with others extreme poverty.
Ooh Posh is supporting Save The Children too. She's putting on a REAL posh voice (how did she get that nickname?). She looks so natural, as ever, reading off that card. What a star.
Ooh Russell Brand has popped up. He looks haunted and too thin. I miss him being off his head on crack presenting MTV Dance. I miss him darting around on Big Mouth. But mostly I miss his radio show. RIP. PS. Don't marry her.
I skipped Black Eyed Peas, but couldn't miss Fergie's outfit. Nice boots, you utter mess. And why is Ferdy in the band now? First Eastenders, now this.
The less said about this stand up comic, the better. Ah, the car advert. How uncynical. This certainly makes me want to give money to Africa.
Wow, Joss Stone's band look cool! *speechless* Pass the gun, dear.
God, Russell Brand, what are you doing? It makes me weep, it really does. Your talent is unique; you are so much better than Jim Carey or that Jonas guy.
God this is rubbish. Annie Lennox and Mary J Bilge are beyond comment.
So, Keith Urban went home. Just as I started liking him. Should have been Casey! Next time.
That show was arduous, which had a knock on effect on my blog. I blame the do-gooding!

American Idol: Your only gimmick is a carpet

I promised I'd do an American Idol blog, and a promise is a promise (or so says Michael Stipe). I haven't really been feeling it this year; I miss Paula and Ellen is just weird in a boring way, not very funny, and doesn't seem to have a clue what she's talking about. I don't get what the appeal is; she's not edgy enough to be of any intelligent use, and not fluffy enough to be any fun. Will Simon take Randy the Dawg with him to the US X Factor? I hope so. Randy is lush! It wouldn't be the same without seeing if he's fat or thin from season to season. You can leave Seacrest behind though; his banter is becoming excruciating. No wonder Simon quit! I do like Kara a lot, she's lovely.
There's no firm favourite for me with the contestants this year; no Adam Lambert! Even the ones I like I don't LOVE. And the Rolling Stones week last week was pathetic; who picks these themes? It's supposed to be a young show! I'm nearly 30 and I couldn't give two fucks about the Rolling Stones. This week's theme of Number 1s sounds a lot better.
Tonight's guest judge is Miley Cyrus. Is there a human on the planet more odious than Miley Cyrus? Charmless, arrogant and with the voice of a 50 year-old-chain smoker. Close your eyes and listen to her speak! It's not normal! What is there to like? I can't even understand why children like her. She's 17 going on 60.
Lee Dewyze (is he the bank robber?) I actually quite like, I liked his version of 'Fireflies' a couple of weeks ago, and there just seems something a little more interesting about him than some of the others. I even liked some of his bum notes last week. But he still lacks something. I don't know what this song is he's singing, but it's fucking dreadful.
Oh Christ, Paige Miles has chosen Against All Odds by Phil Collins. Was Another Day in Paradise not a number one? How about Think Twice? She sounds scared to death. And she fluffed the words. And she's off. Aw, bless. Ellen gave her the 'at least you look great' comment. Oh dear. Kara said it was the worst vocal this season!
Rya Seacrest sounds like his microphone is in a bucket of water. Maybe that's what happened to Paige and Phil Collins.
Tim Urban doing Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen. I hate that song. I don't like Tim Urban much either. Zzzzz. The vocals are boring because it's a boring song that goes nowhere.
Don't pretend to have a crush on Miley, Aaron Kelly, you're quite obviously gay. Mind you, she makes a great fag hag. Aaron looks like the guy out of the first Final Destination, who's in the Stan video for the Eminem song. He keeps singing songs by geriatrics; I mean, Aerosmith? It's what thick people have played at their weddings. Song choice fail. Come back with some N Dubz next week.
Crystal Bowersox! She's pretty good. I bet it hurt having to take advice from the devil child. Credibility broach! She sung some country song. The guitar reminded me of Bad Bright Eyes. Don't like Bad Bright Eyes. Only like Good Bright Eyes. I liked it when she was kind of shouting at the end, though. That reminded me of Good Bright Eyes. I think she is quite a talent. It's obvious why she's cagey; because she's selling out by being on American Idol. But over there, I think it's worth the risk. You can come eighth and still make a decent living.
I like big Mike! He's really genuine and he's got a fantastic voice. There's something lovely about him, I like the way he just gave Miley a bear hug and lifted her off the floor. I want a Mike cuddle.
Next up is Andrew. Do you think they're going to mention that great audition where he did Paula Abdul's Straight Up? They have only mentioned it EVERY SINGLE WEEK since he did it in boot camp. It was good, but it wasn't that good, folks. Let's relax a little. Oh Christ, he's doing Marvin Gaye. Come back Paula, all's forgiven. He sounds like he's just talking most of it. Oh my God, Kara mentioned 'that moment' but didn't invoke the name of Paula this time. It's like THAT DRESS. Oh she said it! STRAIGHT UP! Pathetic. That record is broken.
Katie Stevens has an annoying precocious kind of face, but irritatingly, she's quite good. She still looks like a five-year-old doing karaoke, though. She looks like she should have shoes on that are three sizes too big, and she's gurning all over the place. Her eyebrows look like they're on strings.
Ah Gordon Ramsay is in the audience. Do you think he's going to call Miley Cyrus a pig? Here's hoping.
Casey James is beautiful but bland. Look at his perfect hair, and proto-Brad Pitt face. He leaves me cold.
I like Didi Bananas! She looks like Madeleine McCann's mum. Ryan fucked up her name. That song she sang was AWFUL! Oh my god, I was praying for tinnitus. I agreed with what Kara said, it seemed fake.
God, more old songs, Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Have they heard of any songs since the 80s? I kind of like this geeky snaggle-toothed one, Siobhan Magnus. She's got a gob on her like Andy Murray. Why do people call their kids names you have to think about how to spell because it's pronounced different? I don't want to think about that every time.
And now for the results show. I know, I've had shorter working weeks. To cut an hour down to five minutes, it was Paige Miles. I didn't even know she existed until she murdered Phil Collins. Bye!

American Idol: Alleged Artistry

The reason I haven't written about this yet is because I never get around to watching it until Sunday, so my thoughts seem a little irrelevant by then. But I HAVE been watching, and tonight I'm all alone so watched this weeks offerings in one go.
Firstly, I kind of like the new judge, whatsherface. What 'props' does Paula have under the table (apart from the obvious- glug glug glug).
The 'theme' weeks have been absolutely turgid this year; country music, motown, Micheal fucking Jackson. So I'm glad we were free of the tyranny tonight and they could choose any song they liked. Also, I am not very impressed with the contestants. A lot of the ones I wanted to go through to the finals didn't. But here we go;
Anoop: I like Anoop and was glad when he got through by thought he had gone downhill since My Prerogative- the sickly ballads weren't really doing it for me. Although tonight I thought he was mildly ridiculous.
I think Megan has been beyond hopeless for weeks, she sings like she's pissed out of her head. She's cute but crap.
Danny looks like an accountant. My brain goes into hibernation when he comes on. Has he got a dead wife? I know he CAN sing; I can hear it, but it just bores me rigid. Paula said she'd hit repeat in her car. But he's not in your car, you drunk old bat.
I like Alison aka mini Kerry Katona. She's got a really good voice. Oh god, she did 'Don't Speak'- stick your bindi on. She reminded me of Pink during this performance. Lovely hair colour too. Don't know why Randy dissed her clothes; she looked cute. Has he never heard of emo?
Scott; sigh! Hating one blind person is bad enough (Mikey from BB, the memory lingers) but two seems cruel. But come on, he is ONLY IN IT BECAUSE HE'S BLIND. He is SHIT! I can't STAND it! That song he did was agony. He's OFF! HE CAN'T SING! He's flat! Get rid! Yet again and again the judges let him get away with it! One of the best of the night? NO! Pathetic.
As for Matt; if you asked me what his name was before Ryan said it, I wouldn't have had a clue. He is duller than dull. I didn't mind the song he did tonight, though, but he was a bit growly. Still, the best he's done so far, for me. So quite obvious that the judges would hate it!
I don't like Lil Rounds, I find her a bit smug. Liked her bob tonight though. Her voice went right through me. If you wince, it's not that good, is it?
My favourite is Adam aka Feet Wentz. What did they DO to him last week? He looked like a spotty little choirboy! Don't destroy the emo! But when he did Ring of Fire the week before he was amazing! I HATE 'play that funky music' but he seemed absolutely in his element. I didn't like his quiff though, he looked like Superman. His voice is like a billion times better than anyone else's though. His range is seriously impressive. He really seems like he has that 'star quality' they bang on about. Now bring back the fringe (and the boy-snogging).
Kris Allen aka the monkey I also find a little boring. Yeah he's easy on the eye, but so's beige. Aint No Sunshine. Urgh. But hold on, he was actually quite good; the best I've seen him actually.
Results show; what was Megan's crow thing about? She was being quite insufferable towards the end so not sorry to see her go. Lady Gaga; you looked like Donatella Versace tonight, and that aint a good thing. Your five minutes are up, fuck off, love.
PS: I still love Randy, dawg.

American Idol: 'Molten Hot'

OK about five days late and so I only started paying attention halfway through, but bear with me. Firstly, and most importantly, will Paula stop saying NITCH? I's not fucking NITCH you thick fuck, it's NICHE. NICHE!!!! The next time you say NITCH I'm going to put my fucking foot through the telly! And that goes for people who say CLICK too. It's fucking CLIQUE!!!! I know you're thick and American but for fuck's sake. Get a fucking grip.
Oh yeah and Paula's leather gloves. She must have had sweaty hands.
So let's get down to the nitty gritty ABUSE (I mean, critique). Carly. Frowny, but I like her. She did karaoke classic, turn around bright eyes (or whatever the fuck it's called.) I like it, cos it has Bright Eyes in the title. What of it?
Michael Johns- Aussie. He did a medley. Is that allowed? It seems like cheating. I like him as well though.
David Archu... you know, the one who's a child. Theme park performance! Truth. Also, camp as always. He doesn't do it for me, perhaps because I'm not a pervy old man.
Cliche spot: 'you could sing the phone book' and 'ghastly' by SC. I LOVE it when he says 'ghastly'.
Krusty Le Crab (the one who WONT DIE) shamelessly cheated by singing some song that would appeal to braindead patriotic Americans, GOD BLESS AMERICA, which showed evil genius. Kind of shot herself in the foot by saying as a kid when she sang 'people were all like shut up and you're getting on my nerves'. Yes, just like now. She always gets in by the backdoor, just like George Bush. Possibly she's a lizard. Keep an eye out.
David 'bob bob bob' Cook- the first baby in history to have a receeding hairline. Yeah, he is a total fish-face but he DOES have a good voice, and he took a risk with Billie Jean. So good on him. My other favourites are Polly-Pocket Ramielle, who requires you to say 'she's cute' at least once every time she's on the screen. And Carly.
Was sad to see Chikeeeeeeeeze go in a way, he was kind of smooth, I liked him a bit. I don't really like Syesha, I think she's a bit smug. Brooke I sort of like but she's a bit hit and miss. And she can't take criticism.
PS. How sexy were all the mums?!