American Feeble (Blowtown week)

I was already mad about watching this, now Seacrest announces it's Mowtown week? Fuck a duck. This is getting as arduous as Eastenders. This show has gone down the dumper, big time. That USA X Factor better be BLOODY GOOD.
Woah! Jlo's blue eyeshadow up to her eyebrows and a sugar pink glittery dress. Did her toddlers dress her tonight?
Casey. Last week he murdered Nirvana. This week: hopefully Steven Tyler. When are they going to shave his revolting ginger beard off? It's getting as hard to shift as Matt Cardle's hat. I can't STAND Heard it Through the Grapevine (obviously) but I thought he did a decent version. He's probably in my top three (which doesn't say much for this rabble).
Thea. Next. Steven Tyler might as well sit there and go 'oooooooooowwwwww!' because his comments are total dogshit.
Jacob. I HATE his style of oversinging. I think he is AWFUL. He would be crucified on our XFactor. It bugs me when they say he's so good, and there's just something so SMUG about him. UGH. Adam Lambert seems like he came from the future when I watch how regressive this dude is. In fact, how regressive this whole show has gone.
Talking of smug, up next is Lauren, who is the dictionary definition of precocious. She gets right on my wick as she obviously thinks she's the shit as well. Well, you aint. You're just shit. Stop wiggling your head around like the Churchill dog. JLo just said she looked great, and the little upstart didn't even say 'ta'.
I like Stefano, but he's just so AVERAGE. I expect him to go out every single week. Oh Lord, he's MURDERING 'Hello'. Really duff.
Wow, I just noticed JLo's blusher. Less is more, Jlo, less is more. NB. The other day I woke up with the song 'Jenny from the Block' stuck in my head, and it didn't go for at least half an hour. DON'T LIKE.
Gordon Ramsay is in he audience! Sexist, cheating cunt. Let's all applaud him.
Hayley. Who is she? I don't feel like I've even seen her before. What have they dressed her as? She looks like she's in a Robert Palmer video.
Randy just said 'yo' at the end of a sentence! *pine for Jessie*
I think Ryan Seacrest must miss the sexually-charged banter with Simon. Maybe he should start picking on/fucking Steve Tyler.
Scotty! OMG I hate him! ONE TRICK PONY. And it's a pony we'd put down in this country. His face makes me want to throw up, he looks like one of Harry Hill's creepy puppets.
Pia. Well at least she looks good, and this song is listenable. Hmm, maybe it isn't.
Ah, here he is, my lovely little beardy thing. Paul with the movie-star teeth. He always looks like he's a bit stoned. AND he's doing a good song! Ah, he really is a breath of fresh air on this show. He's 4REALZ! No doubt he'll be leaving any week soon.
And he said 'what's going on, yo?' Jessie times! I actually just turned UP my TV. That's unheard of whilst watching this. He's doing Tracks of My Tears. He makes me smile! He's got backing singers doing the high notes. I love it. He's wonderfully shambolic. He's got charisma. I think I'm falling for him a bit, even though he's not sexy.
Oh God, Naima died on her feet last week. I really want her to do well because she's quirky, but she's not very good. SORRY! (as Simon Cowell would say). Wow, those trousers are something else though. I like her bangles. Her dancing was mental. LOL they did a Harry Hill ending 'DANCINGINTHESTREETS!' That's the second time I've mentioned Harry Hill in one blog. HARRYHILL!
James. I feel like I should like him but I don't. I find him quite boring. His voice grates on me a bit, too.
So that's it. And I watched 2 hours of that in about 40 minutes. Score.
Just watched the results show in about ten. I will not comment on Stevie Wonder or Hulk Hogan. Casey's out! Curse of being on first, dog. He was actually one of the only decent ones. Well done America, you brainiacs. Ah, the judges used their wildcard on him. One save of the season! Better hope Paul don't get in that bottom two. Casey looked like he was going to have a heart attack. Aw, bless. How cute! That was mega cute. His parents are the cutest thing on the planet, too.
But that also means tonight was ALL FOR NOTHING.
BTW I'm going on my hols to Spain for a week now, so let me know if I miss anything good on TV.

American Idol: Blogging a dead horse

Got a spare six hours per week? Then why not get into past-its-best singing competition American Idol! Honestly, I've been slogging through these episodes for three days now. I wouldn't mind, but the singing is AWFUL. The songs are old fashioned, the judges are anodyne. JLo is so fluffy and banal she's now making Randy look like he's got teeth. She's the most repetitive judge since Louis 'kids will love them' Walsh. Steven (wooooooooooooo!) Tyler looks like he's waiting for Liv to come pick him up from the nursing home. Randy seems to be the only one who knows what he's talking about. RANDY, DAWG. I still want to lick his face.
I'm now watching the two-hour RESULTS show, results that would only take all of ten minutes for someone with brain-damage to read out. Ryan Seacrest performs this marvel in 120 minutes! No further comment is needed.
I like ONE of the boys, beardy bloke in the white suit (I'll take his name down later). The only girl I like (little goth geek thing) was the ONLY thing Jennifer Lopez saw fit to slag off, so I guess she's not getting through tonight. AMERICA.
Country dude with the deep voice makes me thank GOD (who doesn't exist) I wasn't born in the USA so I don't have to suffer the effrontery that is country music. We don't stand for that bullshit. Take your cattle and your straw and SHUT IT.
OMG that black girl that did Rhianna! It made nails down a blackboard sound like pan pipes. That girl with the dreds who they put in a yellow flamenco outfit! It's like they're about 15 years behind us for fashion and culture. Or the stylist is just really fucked in the head.
WTF is this talking heads bit about? FILLER! FILLER FILLER FILLER.
I kind of like this gobliny looking guy, too. So I guess he's not getting through, either.
There's no tension in this results show (so far) because even if they didn't make it, the judges have a certain amount of wildcards they can put through. So when people are being told they haven't made it, it's completely pointless. They should have kept that bit a secret and then maybe I'd have cared about the first 90 minutes of this excrement.
This bit where Ryan Seacrest tells us AGAIN what the judges said yesterday is TEDIOUS. It's like someone talking me through what I saw in Eastenders last night. I KNOW. I SAW IT. It was bad enough the first time.
Paul is the dude I like in the white suit with the roses. I also like ginger afro dude actually. Hope they both get through.
That falsetto bloke doesn't do much for me either, he's no Adam Lambert and they're selling him like he's amazing. That cutesy girl gets on my wick, too. You know the one. Long blonde hair. Smug.
Wild cards! This black girl is good. I like Stefano, too. Hope he gets in.
They're not even telling us how many wildcards they're putting through! Let me guess why. Cos they're making it up as they go along? Are they going to put all of them through? That would be some premium-grade flim flam.
Sod Giovanni! What about ginger afro kid? BAD IDOL.
My little goth is out! Boos. Why does dreadlock girl keep doing these dreadful songs (ah!) I like her but they're making her so old fashioned. Simon wouldn't have put up with this BS.
Yeah put Robbie through! He's my little goblin. He's got a really strong voice (yet he is murdering this Elton John song). Still miffed about ginger dude, though.
Whilst the judges deliberate let's listen to Jennifer Lopez's rubbish new single with... is that Brian Harvey? She's a bit old for all this frippery, in my opinion. She does look good, though. She's got a nice orange glow about her. Like she's been eating Ready Brek. Nice that she's hawking her wares whilst deciding on people's future, isn't it? Sensitive lady, our Jenny from the block (of gold).
The final ten looked so pleased to see Ashthon (her parents' spelling) get through. Positively thrilled!
Aw, Stefano. He's a sweetie. WOT, no Robbie? FAIL.
UGH. I'm left with a bad feeling in tummy. At least Simon was knowingly cruel. This is cruel pretending to be something else. And worse: it's not that entertaining. I await the US X Factor with curiosity (and expectation) and bile all stored up in my fingertips. I'm ready!

American Idol : now with 100% less Simon

Well, I think Puff Daddy and Justin Grimberlake would have been preferable to Jenny from the block and Liv Tyler's dad. Where's the grit? At least Randy's still there. Love Randy. What happened to Kara Doobedodah? I actually really liked her. Ellen was fucking useless, though.
Ryan Seacrest wants us to usher in a new 'error' of American Idol. The error is the judging panel, unfortunately. If they're going to go for dullards, Katy Perry would have been preferable. But how about some people with spunk? Courtney Love, Quentin Tarantino- even Kelly Osbourne would have been better.
I do think three is the right number of judges, though. Four is stupid number to have. Three is just so. Three is democratic.
Steve Tyler looks like a Who from Whoville. Stop shrieking, you freak. At least he's looking for a rocker, I suppose, even if it is in the wrong place.
JLo strikes me as mega fake; she's not really a nice person is she? Alright, I'll give her one chance. ONE.
I'm actually not really in the mood for this tonight. I've got a headache, I'm stressed and pissed off. Not sure I'm going to make the whole two hours.
Steve Tyler is so annoying- why is he singing along with everyone?
Ooh just noticed, Randy's skinny again. Gastric band? Hmm, no his face is skinny, but his body is fat. Ah, whatevs, I still want to lick his face.
JLo's skin is lacquered with gold leaf, applied at night by browbeaten elves. I don't like the way she's running the show. I miss Simon's cheekiness. Everyone's being so NICE. They need someone bitchy on there.
Also, I know it's early days, but there's no chemistry between these judges. Randy and Simon were clearly good mates. It feels like these three could be judging in different rooms; they're not bouncing off each other at all.
I think they just had two adverts in the space of about five minutes. Glad I'm watching this minus the adverts. But at least Steven and Randy are giving each other high fives now.
I don't think I even have anything to say about the contestants. It's not really about them, is it?!
OK I did an hour and twenty. I need a lie down. What can I say? I'm distinctly average. RIP.