Got a spare six hours per week? Then why not get into past-its-best singing competition American Idol! Honestly, I've been slogging through these episodes for three days now. I wouldn't mind, but the singing is AWFUL. The songs are old fashioned, the judges are anodyne. JLo is so fluffy and banal she's now making Randy look like he's got teeth. She's the most repetitive judge since Louis 'kids will love them' Walsh. Steven (wooooooooooooo!) Tyler looks like he's waiting for Liv to come pick him up from the nursing home. Randy seems to be the only one who knows what he's talking about. RANDY, DAWG. I still want to lick his face.
I'm now watching the two-hour RESULTS show, results that would only take all of ten minutes for someone with brain-damage to read out. Ryan Seacrest performs this marvel in 120 minutes! No further comment is needed.
I like ONE of the boys, beardy bloke in the white suit (I'll take his name down later). The only girl I like (little goth geek thing) was the ONLY thing Jennifer Lopez saw fit to slag off, so I guess she's not getting through tonight. AMERICA.
Country dude with the deep voice makes me thank GOD (who doesn't exist) I wasn't born in the USA so I don't have to suffer the effrontery that is country music. We don't stand for that bullshit. Take your cattle and your straw and SHUT IT.
OMG that black girl that did Rhianna! It made nails down a blackboard sound like pan pipes. That girl with the dreds who they put in a yellow flamenco outfit! It's like they're about 15 years behind us for fashion and culture. Or the stylist is just really fucked in the head.
WTF is this talking heads bit about? FILLER! FILLER FILLER FILLER.
I kind of like this gobliny looking guy, too. So I guess he's not getting through, either.
There's no tension in this results show (so far) because even if they didn't make it, the judges have a certain amount of wildcards they can put through. So when people are being told they haven't made it, it's completely pointless. They should have kept that bit a secret and then maybe I'd have cared about the first 90 minutes of this excrement.
This bit where Ryan Seacrest tells us AGAIN what the judges said yesterday is TEDIOUS. It's like someone talking me through what I saw in Eastenders last night. I KNOW. I SAW IT. It was bad enough the first time.
Paul is the dude I like in the white suit with the roses. I also like ginger afro dude actually. Hope they both get through.
That falsetto bloke doesn't do much for me either, he's no Adam Lambert and they're selling him like he's amazing. That cutesy girl gets on my wick, too. You know the one. Long blonde hair. Smug.
Wild cards! This black girl is good. I like Stefano, too. Hope he gets in.
They're not even telling us how many wildcards they're putting through! Let me guess why. Cos they're making it up as they go along? Are they going to put all of them through? That would be some premium-grade flim flam.
Sod Giovanni! What about ginger afro kid? BAD IDOL.
My little goth is out! Boos. Why does dreadlock girl keep doing these dreadful songs (ah!) I like her but they're making her so old fashioned. Simon wouldn't have put up with this BS.
Yeah put Robbie through! He's my little goblin. He's got a really strong voice (yet he is murdering this Elton John song). Still miffed about ginger dude, though.
Whilst the judges deliberate let's listen to Jennifer Lopez's rubbish new single with... is that Brian Harvey? She's a bit old for all this frippery, in my opinion. She does look good, though. She's got a nice orange glow about her. Like she's been eating Ready Brek. Nice that she's hawking her wares whilst deciding on people's future, isn't it? Sensitive lady, our Jenny from the block (of gold).
The final ten looked so pleased to see Ashthon (her parents' spelling) get through. Positively thrilled!
Aw, Stefano. He's a sweetie. WOT, no Robbie? FAIL.
UGH. I'm left with a bad feeling in tummy. At least Simon was knowingly cruel. This is cruel pretending to be something else. And worse: it's not that entertaining. I await the US X Factor with curiosity (and expectation) and bile all stored up in my fingertips. I'm ready!