Here's how to lose HOURS of your life, and you'll never get them back, NEVER! So the final promised to be OK, i.e. both of the contestants could sing, which was a plus. It was a fight between Foetus Archulleta & Designer Stubble Cook. Ryan Seacrest had even put on his guyliner especially, and later he shared it with both the Davids, which was very kind.
In the first round, Frank Butcher forced David Cook to sing U2, which I thought he did quite well actually. It seemed unlikely some weeks back that fish-face David Cook would get so far but he's an OK singer, just utterly uncredible as a rock singer. His second song was pure Avril Lavinge. Pre-pubescent David Archuletta (what an anchor) seemed utterly certain to win, getting the thumbs up all night long.
They both sang loads of shit no one had ever heard of, which is quite rubbish for the final really, the self-indulgent prinks. But in the final round Archuletta pulled it out of the bag, singing Imagine, probably one of the most loved songs of all time (except for me, I hate it). But Cooky squeezed out the tears and smudged his make-up, so that probably got the mum vote.
Paula managed to not turn up drunk for once (a minor miracle) but she did say 'you're standing in your truth' which was rather ridiculous. Randy was really in default mode though; 'molten hot'- check, 'you could sing the phone book'-check, you could just pull a string at the side of him and have him say this rubbish whilst he eats his way to his next lapband (aw I don't mean it, I love Randy in his little red coat, I like it when he goes 'booooo' at Simon).
Now, what IS it with US TV and their product placement? The BBUSA thing was bad enough, but this was beyond a joke plugging that GODAWFUL- looking Mike Myers film. Ben Stiller and Jack Black can just die painfully. It's like they force the contestants to watch it and laugh whilst pointing a gun at their heads. It's an insult to anyone's intelligence.
The results show was beyond a joke, two hours for something that could, realistically, take ten seconds. It felt longer than childbirth. The medleys, the past contestants, the desperate stars rolled out to flog their albums. You COULD NOT get away with this shit on the X Factor, there'd be a revolution.
Seal, for example. Where did they dig him up from? Is he credible now? How did that happen? He's quite buff now, isn't he? He looked like a black Grant Mitchell.
More medleys. Donna Summer in a fright wig. Michael Johns and Carly the tattooed lady made me laugh loads. Bryan Adams. Zed Zed Top. Some USA McFly.
Then came the crowning glory: England's favourite stoner and cottager extraordinaire, George Michael. He must have run out of weed money. I was just thinking how ropey and skinny he looked in his Bono sunglasses when my mum rang up and went, 'He's gorgeous! I've never fancied anyone so much since Elvis. It's a shame he's gay.' That song Praying For Time reminds me SO much of being young, listening to my mum playing that record over and over, that and Status Quo, anyway.
And so here it was, and it was a Will Young/ Gareth Gates style shocker. Old Cooky won by twelve million votes, even after the judges had declared Archuletta the Second Coming. Archuletta's face didn't fall quit as much as I'd hoped, but it was quite amusing hearing Fishy singing his way through this lame pop song that was clearly written for Archuletta. It was like Rhydian losing to Leon all over again! I like it though, I do like the underdog, it has to be said.
So that's it. God bless America and more importantly, Simon fucking Cowell. He still owns us all, and that's that.
Oh yeah, a side note on The Apprentice: I was soooo fucked off Raef went, he was class and a half. I fell asleep halfway through watching it after The Whitest Boy Alive gig and I just woke up as Mrs Tiggywinkle went 'You're fired!' and I couldn't believe my ears. Raef and his DiCaprio-esque advert rocked the casbah. It's all shit from now on. Sob! I guess Michael to win just for comedy value, or Alex for eye-candy value, although I've totally gone off him. It was all about Raef. Old Sugar always fucks it up though, the bozo.
PS. I saw a Big Brother advert today! Exciting!