The X Factor: Why of the Tiger

You still watching this formulaic old toot? Me too! Well take my hand and let me lead you through a forest of relentless negativity. Let's see how we're going to be patronised and manipulated tonight. What songs will be murdered? What pointless horrible theme will be foisted upon them (and us)? Oh, Saturday night at the movies. Gross. Only marginally better than 'Big Band' (await Michael Buble Christmas album in the adverts). Also, we call them FILMS. Stop trying to sound cool.
First off, I want to complain about the pink and blue logo. They still have the red and black logo at the start, so what's with this pink and blue bullshit? Red and black is strong! Pink and blue is wishy washy. Don't dilute your brand! Don't tell me Simon Cowell doesn't know about the essence of the brand. Red and black. Sort it out. Oh, the X is gold tonight. Yet MORE dilution! Fools.
So this lot of judges. Don't even get me started. I can't even look at Mel B without thinking of her husband killing a duck. She seems to have completely lost her spark, which I guess you would, if you're in a controlling relationship, where your husband bans the woman who sang the song 'Mama' from speaking to her... Mama. Sad. Cheryl Fernandez-V cares so little about her own identity that she would change her name twice (and probably counting). Does SHE not have a brand to think of? I know why she didn't go back to Tweedy, I guess (criminal record, cough) but really, I find it sad that this supposed successful independent popstar thinks so little of herself. If you want to change your name once, fine. Twice is starting to look dumb. Especially if you're tattooing that shit on you. It's quite sad to see. And Simon and Louis are just Simon and Louis. It's like a time warp. But now I'm getting old. And they look the same.
First up is Jake. On first, so they obviously want him out. Is it just me or was Jake 50 times better looking last year? I dunno if it's his hair or what but he is not doing it for me this time. I liked him last year. This song is fucking AWFUL. He sounds off. Is that falsetto? Morrissey would weep! What a boring performance. Terrible start. Simon doesn't even know who's mentoring this dude.
I miss Blonde Electric! There's no fun act. And no, that dude who did Rick Astley last week doesn't count. I tell you who I don't miss, though; Overload.
Only the Young. How the fuck did they survive doing Come on Eileen? Great phone outfit, though. What is it with this hair all the blokes have at the moment, like a big quiff with really short sides? It's hideous. A quiff is cool, like a Morrissey or Lee Ryan quiff (yeah I said it) but not this fucking boufanty nonsense. I'm so glad I'm not looking to fuck anyone new anymore, I'd be sick. The blonde guy looks like Jedward's older brother. Who is voting for Only the Young? Who is their audience? I like the fact they're actually friends, not manufactured. But really, who is there to like in the band? Everyone is strangely sexless. How do they all know each other? Are they fucking? Are they named after that average Brandon Flowers solo record? I need to know more. That performance did nothing for me one way or the other. It literally went in one ear and out the other. But don't get me wrong, I quite like them, lol.
I have no clue why this Jay James guy is there. He's like a poundshop James Blunt. We're trying to get rid of the other one, why do we need another! Please, no more posh pop stars. It's making me want to go all Russell Brand and start ranting nonsensically. The overs category is an actual embarrassment. It's dumb cos they get rid of loads of good boys and girls for these joke or mediocre acts. And he's singing fucking James Bond. Fuck James Bond and fuck this song. You need to be a woman to sing this song. This guy is too weedy for this song. Seriously, who is going to buy his album? Even my mum thinks he's a dick (probably). God, I hate Cheryl. She's a millionaire, gorgeous and newly married to the not-gay-at-all Jean-thingy whatshisface so you think she could crack a fucking smile once in a while. She always looks like someone's waving a wet fish under her nose, the miserable cow. I wouldn't buy any hairspray she advertised, I'd expect it to give me manic depression.
I was annoyed with Simon dissing Andrea last week as it was so transparently storylined as it's so obvious Andrea is going to win. I've not seen someone as good on X Factor since Leona Lewis. It's an insult for Simon to criticise him. Andrea seems so lovely, too. He even looks a bit cute tonight. And he LOVES PUGS. I want to cuddle him. I hate this song he's singing, though. It's such a warble fest. He's singing it well, though. I love the emotion! Simon is such a twat with his donuts comment to him. Simon is being a prick. His analogy was completely lost on Andrea.
Lola's boyfriend is cute! He obviously likes fish. I like Lola, I thought it was weird when she got sent home. I did like Steph as well, though.  Eek, Lola sounds off. Shit. Oh she got good comments anyway. Never mind.
Next is Paul. My mum's favourite. Yawn! I hate Try a Little Tenderness, too. I can't get excited about this guy. I just don't get it. He's not for me. Was fat, now thinner. So what? Mel B thinks he's like a 'white Jay Z.'
I like Lauren Platt, she's cutesy. Loving her glittery eyeshadow, very Barry M. That song was a bit drab though, but her voice was good. I've just realised I've hardly said anything about what the judges are saying. It's because they're not saying anything interesting in the slightest.
Jack is the most pointless person in the competition. Nondescript voice, nondescript face and another hairsprayed quiff. Swap him with Jake and who could really tell the difference? Probably not even their own mothers. This one bores the crap out of me. I find him about as sexually attractive as I do Louis. Oh dear God, a pared down version of Eye of the Tiger. kjfjjrfjiieeeeueuuuuyrryryryiesjsjsjh. Sorry, that was me banging my head on my keyboard. I remember when this song had a tune. What issues is Mel talking about? Probably some problem with the duck killer she brought to work with her. And Mel might read this (ha!) and go, 'So he killed a duck! It was years ago!' But I say, once a duck killer, always a duck killer. Some things can't be erased by the sands of time.
Anyway. I can't get excited about Fleur. I like the letters spelling out her name. Remember Orla who Cheryl kicked out in place of the pathetic Chloe Jasmine? She was so interesting and cool. Fleur is just blah to me. I do like her little raps, and they're not cringe, which they easily could be, but I'm just not feeling her. Her backing vocals sound loud as fuck this week, too! You think they'd get the hint. Lady Marmalade, go away.
Stevi is getting on my nerves. Bring back Wagner! He looks like his face is melting. He can't sing a note. I can't even see the funny side. Louis agrees with me (worrying).
Simon pretending he goes to Harvester. Last time I went to a Harvester I locked myself out the house. Never again.
I've never seen Footloose, but I have seen the film where Kevin Bacon plays a paedo. I think I prefer that. Not sure it had any songs in it, though.
Dermot seems to be twitching about time tonight. He's making me feel on edge. Hold on, no one has done My Heart Will Go On yet. Talking of sinking ships, why is everyone moaning that this 8 piece boy band has 8... well, pieces, because they fucking put 8 of them together! I think they sing well. Fuck me, though, they ALL have that haircut! ALL OF THEM! Is it obligatory to be in a boyband, like when you join the army?  I like the little tattooed one and the kind of ugly one who seems to be the best singer. There's three I would get rid of, though. One with weird teeth, one who looks like a ventriloquist dummy and the youngest one. Then it becomes a bit more interesting. Oh you could also ditch that one in the baggy grey tshirt. No one would miss him. Also, Stereo Kicks is the worst band name since One Direction. Truly, an abomination. DEAR LORD, Let it Be. I HATE Let it Be. I can play it on the keyboard, though. That and Oh When the Saints, obv.
Ben: 'I used to be sitting at home watching on the other side of the TV.' Why not turn it round, then? I look at Ben Haenow and I just see Steve Brookstein. And we need another Steve Brookstein less than we need another James Blunt.
Is that it? Oh can't it go on for another half an hour (no one ever said). Thanks for reading!

The X Factor: The results

Tulisa, watch your hair in that St Lucia heat. Lay off the Sun-In, for fuck's sake. She's come as a stick of rock to go with the candy floss hair. Still, beats Northampton with Gary Barlow, doesn't it? My boyfriend reckons there's a Morrison's right behind 'Gary's house'.
I'm really glad Ella went through. She's the best of the girls by a mile. 
I want Irish Jade to go through but I like 'I'm-a-struggling-mum sob story' Jade as well. Irish Jade has got some great wonky lipliner and blue nail varnish on. She's unique!
The black girl is not going through because she has so little personality that I can't remember her name. And she just stomped off and didn't even say thanks for the opportunity. Bad loser.
I don't like the way you can't tell which one Tulisa's speaking to! It's really fucking annoying. It must be horrible for the losing person to watch it back, as you're literally a camera angle away from getting a yes. 
Oh no, she didn't put my Jade through! Boo. I thought she was really good. I don't think 'mum sob story' Jade is as good as Irish lipliner Jade. But I suppose she's more likeable because she's a MOTHER zzz.
I think Lucy's going through out of these last two. I do like the other one (who's name I've also forgotten - but the fact I've forgotten her name probably says it all). At least she said thank you for the opportunity. I'm glad Lucy made it; I hope they don't make her do covers every week, though.
I think MK1 are going to go through. I like the girl, she's cute. The other band is a bit too all over the place. Louis made the right choice; and he's very sorry. Poor dude from MK1 couldn't even jump up and celebrate because of his crutches.
Put Poisonous Twin through! I don't even know what this other young boyband are called. It's just another bunch of acronyms, no doubt. FKOF, perhaps. WTF, Louis sent Poisonous Twin home. Can't believe Louis did the 'it's not good news, it's great news' line. That shit is old as time. Both Poisonous Twin and Duke would be better than those
Triple J or whatever they're called now are up against this cheesy band. They're all holding hands. Barry Styles looks like he's going to cry. Oh, they did put them through.
Cheesy dudes went 'you're joking' when Louis ditched them. He's not.
Oh it's Union J who went through and nearly put Louis' back out cuddling him. Be careful, he mightget aroused. So two soppy boybands for Louis: thanks for the variety. Where's the Wagner/ Jedward?
James MUST go through. My boyfriend is saying he needs a makeover. He'll be back next week with Brandon Flowers' teeth, I bet you. Now Nicole is doing the 'it's not good news, it's... frikking amazing news' schtick. Aw, nice when he called home. Nice to have family who love you.
I don't think they're going to put Jake through because he looked at the floor the whole time he sang. It's a shame because he's easy on the eye.  He's got pedal pushers on, too. Did I miss the pedal pushers memo? Sorry to see Jake go.
I don't think Nathan is going through. He's nice enough, but he's too generic. I think Jahmene is going through. Nicole-bot is pretending to show emotion, badly. Jahmene was cute when he got through, he was speechless, bless him.
PUT RYLAN THROUGH! I'm going to hit the roof if they don't. He's mega. He'll wear the best outfits, too. He'll be fabulous in every sense of the word.
This other beardy bloke Adam didn't do that great. He's cute but he's no Jake.
Rylan's reaction to being put through was the best reaction to being put through in a competition EVER. Fucking brilliant! I cried, I laughed. You could tell he 100% thought it was a no. He slumped on the floor wailing, he wiped his face on a cushion, he said 'is this a wind up?' and told Dermot he was 'bang out of order' for no particular reason. Nicole Scherzinger didn't know where to look. It was truly heartwarming TV - just pure happiness. 
I'm not surprised Gary didn't put Grotbags through, he never liked her, but he seems to have a hard-on for that annoying hippy.
I knew he'd put Kye through. Brad going 'I thought I was going to get a yes'. Don't EVER think that. I wouldn't ever presume such a thing.
I can't remember what this brunette woman is called, but she's not going through. She looks like Natasha Giggs. OMG he did put her through! I was sure he was going to cut her. Weird.
I think Gary must be putting Christopher through over Melanie now. Melanie: 'to leave my children is such a sacrifice' - well, I didn't ask you to have them, so spare me the martyrdom. Who's her daughter anyway, Nicola Roberts?
Christopher might give Rylan a run for his money in the blub factor if he gets through. OMG, Gary put Melanie through! What a load of balls. She's rubbish. How could he put Melanie and the brown haired woman through over him?! Ha, Melanie's daughter IS a mini Nicola Roberts.    
Oh OK, there's a twist and one more person can go through. It's between Amy, Christopher, Adam and Times Red (Good band name - snort). Vote Christopher!
There's three interesting characters to watch in the live shows at least: Ella, James and Rylan.
It's good news.... my blog's over.